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whiteisle
April 29th, 2009, 05:57 PM
As some of you may know, my mom just recently was diagnosed with breast cancer and will be undergoing chemo shortly. There is a very good possibilty she will loose her hair due to the drugs they will give her. Since I'm not very "invested" in time with my own hair (been growing out from a pixie since Dec. 2007) I have considered the possibility of getting my own hair severly chopped off as one way to show my support and make her feel not quite so "alone" in the hair department.

I guess I thought I could get it cut really short and keep it that way until she was done with her chemo (about 18 weeks) and then we could "grow" together.

If you were in my situation (and didn't have hair much longer than mine currently) what might you do?

Is this a silly idea?

GlassEyes
April 29th, 2009, 06:03 PM
It is NOT a silly idea. Don't for a second think it is. It's a very kind and thoughtful idea.

However, if you ARE attached to your hair at this point, don't do it. I doubt that your mother would want you to give up anything you hold dear when the chemo may take her's. I don't she'd want anything more to be lost from it.

On the other hand, doing so is a great way to show your support for her. But, and I say this in the kindest manner and please don't take it offensively because I'm not saying you will, if you think you may resent her for it, or hate the idea, don't. It will just cause problems.

Otherwise, go for it. It really is a kind gesture of support that you can show.

salamander
April 29th, 2009, 06:05 PM
Why don't you ask your mom if she'd like it? Then you'd know if it would make her really happy, or if there was something else you could do.

spidermom
April 29th, 2009, 06:10 PM
I'd be cautious. She may be deeply touched or she may think your hair is one more thing the cancer destroyed. You know her best so go with your gut.

Forever_Sophie
April 29th, 2009, 06:11 PM
Not at all silly, very thoughtful. I've been through chemo and personally, wouldn't have wanted anyone to do that for me... What did your mom think of the pixie you had? If she loved it, then I would do it.

That said, having lost my mom, I regret....as another friend did, not getting her name or initials tattooed when she took ill. Not sure my mom would have been crazy about the idea but I like to think it would have...sort of.....proven how I loved her :( Best wishes to you and your mom.

Carolyn
April 29th, 2009, 06:17 PM
I would ask her what she thought. If she is touched and loves the idea then you could do it. That said, if I had cancer and someone wanted to do that for me I'd beg and plead with them not to. Actually I'd be really pissed at them for doing it. Everyone will have different thoughts on this, so please don't do anything until you talk it over with your mom. If she doesn't like the idea, then drop the subject and don't do it.

Xandergrammy
April 29th, 2009, 06:21 PM
I think it's a lovely idea. I agree with some of the others that you should have a chat with your mom and see what her thoughts are. Prayers for your mom.

Furiana
April 29th, 2009, 06:28 PM
You can always buy a wig and wear that in support! It wouldn't need to be a short-haired wig, either.

Or -- depending on her sense of humour -- you could try a bald cap. :twisted:

Tangles
April 29th, 2009, 06:39 PM
Definitely talk to her about it! This isn't the kind of thing that would make a good surprise, your hair could very well be a comfort to her you know.

On the other hand growing together sounds fun, it's just that you would have to buzz your hair pretty short if you wanted to start out on the same page... so yeah, are you ready to do that?

No matter what you decide, you will surely be a great source of support.

ETA: You're not all that long, so it might actually be a great way to get your hair REALLY healthy by regrowing from scratch...

whiteisle
April 29th, 2009, 06:49 PM
Thank you everyone. It IS probably a good idea that I should run the idea by her first to get her thoughts on it. I know for sure she would definitely appreciate the gesture and being my mom, I suppose like any other mom, she would tell me not to do it.

When she first found out about the BC and was told she'd have to go through chemo one of the first things she said to me was (with tears in her eyes), "I guess you'll have to grow your hair out by yourself now."........it broke my heart.

And I've tried so hard to find information for her about the cancer, the chemo, the drugs, the side effects and what can be done to ease them, what she can expect, etc. and whenever I talk about the options for the hair loss she just gets this look - just a hint because I know she's trying really hard to hide it and be brave - of devastation about loosing her hair. She of course would not trade her health for her hair but she's never thought highly of herself and her looks and this just seems to be such an insult among everything else.

I know her well enough to know she would tell me not to cut mine.........but I also feel like it would mean everything to her if I did. And regarding any resentment I might feel about it? No, there would be no resentment. Just love for my mom. And perhaps just one more thing I can do for her mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

This idea just occured to me today and I need time to really think about it. It helps to talk to others and get different perspectives on it so thank you all again. :blossom:

marajade
April 29th, 2009, 06:53 PM
It is NOT a silly idea. Don't for a second think it is. It's a very kind and thoughtful idea.

However, if you ARE attached to your hair at this point, don't do it. I doubt that your mother would want you to give up anything you hold dear when the chemo may take her's. I don't she'd want anything more to be lost from it.

On the other hand, doing so is a great way to show your support for her. But, and I say this in the kindest manner and please don't take it offensively because I'm not saying you will, if you think you may resent her for it, or hate the idea, don't. It will just cause problems.

Otherwise, go for it. It really is a kind gesture of support that you can show.

Well said. I would definitely sit her down and find out how she would feel supported- it would be a shame if you cut off your hair and it doesn't "matter" to her.

Helen Baq
April 29th, 2009, 07:09 PM
I agree with asking her first. My mom has always loved my hair. I think she would have been really upset if I'd cut it all off when she first started going through chemo. I've thought about offering her some of my hair for a wig, but I think she'd rather I kept it. :)

JamieLeigh
April 30th, 2009, 09:17 AM
I agree with GlassEyes. If you're super-attached to the length you've achieved and your mom knows this, she might feel guilty that you've chopped for her. But regardless, she will probably appreciate the gesture, and I think that is a great way to show your love for your mother, by sacrificing something that's important to you. :flower:

I hope that all goes well with your mom and yourself. Please keep us posted on her (and your) progress. :)

Ursula
April 30th, 2009, 09:31 AM
Of the various ways to offer support, chopping off your hair strikes me as one of the less-useful alternatives.

There are going to be a lot of things your mom could use help with. Rides to doctor's appointments. Cooking when she knows she has to eat but the meds are giving her nausia. Cleaning when she's sore and achy. Paying routine bills while keeping up on all the co-pays for her meds and appointments. If you want to do things to support her, waiting to see what her actual needs are, and then meeting those needs, would be more helpful than a symbolic gesture.

It is also possible that she'd enjoy seeing your hair grow, and perhaps helping you with it (combing, brushing, braiding, etc.) Your hair may be a way for her to enjoy hair when she doesn't have any of her own to enjoy. Looking at you with your hair chopped off might be a reminder that her hair is gone, if she knows you cut your hair because she lost hers. And this sort of reminder isn't necessarily a helpful thing.

marzipanthecat
April 30th, 2009, 09:48 AM
Have a talk with her doctor/consultant/support nurse - not everybody loses all their hair during chemo. Yes, of course a lot of people do, but not everyone! I know a few people who had a very small amount of hair loss, and I also know two women who didn't lose hardly any hair at all. That is unusual, though.

It's a very nice idea, to show support for her, and I think it is very kind of you,.

cocolover
April 30th, 2009, 10:07 AM
My mom had breast cancer 8 years ago and I thought about doing this very thing. She did lose her hair, and that was one of the more traumatic parts of the process for her. I decided not to, but understand some of the feelings that make you consider it.

If you really feel led to do it, then talk with your mom about it. But like others have mentioned, there are many ways to show support. My mom hated wearing her wigs, she said they were just too hot, so one idea would to be go shopping for head coverings and lightweight hats together. A big trip to the spa during a good time of the treatment cycle is another great option. My mom struggled with not feeling very feminine without her hair and pampering at the spa can help with that.

My husband had cancer 6 years ago now and when he went bald, about five guys we knew all shaved their heads as a sign of support. Of course they all had short hair already, so it wasn't quite the same. :) In talking with both my mom and my husband, it means a lot when people do special things to show support, but it really can be a variety of things. Some of things that really meant a lot to my husband is when a guy came and cleaned his car for him. He likes to keep his car spotless and of course he couldn't do that at the time. And then when some guys chipped in and took him to race car school for the day!
It really is up to you, but don't feel limited like this is the biggest show of support you can do. Little things do add up to a lot in these situations.

enfys
April 30th, 2009, 10:10 AM
Oh Whiteisle I'm so sorry your mum is ill.

I don't care if people think it's a vanity thing, every doctor will say that what worries women the most about cancer is the chance of hair loss. Don't forget it's not a given; not every cancer patient loses their hair.

What do you think she would do to hide it if she lost her hair? Say she wore headscarves, you could too. Like people who cover their heads in church out or respect you could cover your hair around your mum. And going out together both in headscarves would probably help her confidence.

Personally I'd hate someone to cut their hair for my sake; I'd want to see as few bald heads as possible since it'd just remind me of myself!

heidi w.
April 30th, 2009, 10:57 AM
You know, as a person who's been mightily sick in my time (as in hospitalized) although never with cancer, my first suggestion would be to ask her what she wants.

She may see your shorn hair as Spidermom suggests. Another casualty.

Those who I know that have been around loved ones during cancer often tried to maintain something of beauty in their presence, such as constant flowers outside their window even if the rest of the yard went to hell.

I am betting your love, your patience, your presence, your care, your best understanding even when the situation makes her a krankypoo.....will be the thing she wants most -- and for you to be happy. You are her best art project that she's putting out in the world.

I would choose cooking food and freezing it over shorn hair. I would choose finding someone to offer gentle music in the chemotherapy room over shorn hair. If I were feeling really gross and unattractive and utterly exhausted, I wouldn't be too happy with you coming home with shorn hair if it wasn't necessary, much as I might appreciate it and say that only.

Just ask her what she wants and needs along the way. Make sure she has a safe place to talk about everything. More than anything, she may not want to feel isolated. Situations such as this, we often feel very alone and isolated.

heidi w.

susiemw
April 30th, 2009, 11:08 AM
I'd wait and see what happens first.
A lot of the new chemo regimes don't cause hair loss.
It would be a shame to cut your hair in anticipation of
hair loss that never happened!

I'm sorry to hear about your mothers cancer diagnosis.

susan

Fifty-Five
May 2nd, 2009, 10:21 PM
I agree with a lot of the previous posts! =3 Talk to her, first, but also know there are so many other things you can do to show your support, too. If you decide not to cut it, well, then I urge you not to feel any guilt. A lot of people I've known with cancer didn't like it if someone they knew cut their hair or shaved it off because they felt guilty, and also felt that just because they didn't have any hair, it didn't mean others couldn't keep theirs. =3 But, yeah, talk to your mom, and also wait to see. Maybe she won't lose her hair, or maybe, like some have mentioned, you could wear similar hats or head coverings or something. n_n

LutraLutra
May 3rd, 2009, 02:27 AM
Hugs to your mum, and you too. :) I think Spidermom said it best. :flower:

ShaSha
May 3rd, 2009, 07:31 AM
I agree with many others that it depends how attached your mother is to your hair (not her own).

My mother had an operation for breast cancer, with chemo and all, and she did lose her hair. In finland you get a wig with those treatments, so she wore one during the "bald" period. (I suggested she get a fabulous long wig :p, but no, she had a short wig, like her own hair.)

I never thought to cut my own hair because of her losing her own, she would have been devastated.

Actually, when her hair started shedding she did not want to go for a hairdresser and explain about the cancer and why she wanted to be bald. So I cut & shaved her hair. Must be one of the weirdest experiences I've had.

girlcat36
May 3rd, 2009, 07:55 AM
I went through chemo two years ago.
My 18 year old daughter told me that she fully intended to shave her own head if, and when, I lost my hair. Her hair was APL, but she was young and her hair grows quickly.
I thought that it was SO AWESOME that she was willing to do that!
I never did go bald from my chemo, but I did lose half my hair, including a very large bald spot at the back of my head. So DD never had to shave her head, but I know she would have done it!

Xandergrammy
May 3rd, 2009, 01:25 PM
Actually, when her hair started shedding she did not want to go for a hairdresser and explain about the cancer and why she wanted to be bald. So I cut & shaved her hair. Must be one of the weirdest experiences I've had.


I think it's a wonderful thing that you could do that for your mother. It would be comforting to me to have someone close to me cut and shave my head.