Im a perfectionist and my hair is driving me crazzy!

[SmellyJelly]

A while back I had trichotillomania (obessive hair pulling) that was when my hair was at it's worst condition, it has left me with patches of different length hair and that is one of the reasons why I want it to grow so much. I stupidly had bleached highlights about 6 months ago which has made my hair in bad condition and all I want to do is pull all the unhealthy patches out. I just need some support, when I find a split end it makes me feel slightly angry and I have to get rid of it or I get this empty upset feeling inside. Please can someone tell me that I can make my hair healthy! I am new here and already I have picked up some great hair care tips but I feel as if I won't ever reach my hair goals :shrug:

Sophie x

[templeofvenus]

Its difficult to break habits like that, I have eating disorder habits that are hard to break, I know its not the same thing but its a state of mind and you can overcome it! try and focus on the positives and maybe keep a diary and write down your frustrations in it instead of acting them out on your hair! write down your progress too and I am sure in a few weeks you will see that you can have the hair you want if you focus on the future and try not to think negatively about it, plus on here you will get tons of support!:flowers:

[joyfulmom4]

:grouphug: Big hugs to you. That's difficult stuff to deal with. Please make sure you're getting help for the compulsive behavior. I probably don't need to give you advice about the trichotillomania, but just in case you need some reminder or encouragement, it can help to work with a counselor to address the anxiety/compulsions driving the hair pulling and most likely now driving your hair 'perfectionism' and obsessing over split ends. This could make you miserable if you let it get out of hand. My dd has OCD and she has gotten a lot of relief from obsessions and compulsions that troubled her. She has been seeing a cognitive-behavioral therapist who works with her on understanding the OCD and methods to deal with it. She also went on meds after about 6 mos of therapy alone and that has given additional benefit. Not sure of your situation, so maybe it does or doesn't apply, but I see similarities between the trichotillomania and the obsession with the split ends. You need peace and freedom from inner anxiety every bit as much (more) as you need lovely hair.

[SmellyJelly]

Its difficult to break habits like that, I have eating disorder habits that are hard to break, I know its not the same thing but its a state of mind and you can overcome it! try and focus on the positives and maybe keep a diary and write down your frustrations in it instead of acting them out on your hair! write down your progress too and I am sure in a few weeks you will see that you can have the hair you want if you focus on the future and try not to think negatively about it, plus on here you will get tons of support!:flowers:

Hiya, I do understnad the eating disorder habits as I used to have a very complicated realtionship with food. The diary idea sounds great, I will definatly do that :) Thanks

[BlackfootHair]

I would consider a trim to even things up and get rid of splits. That always makes me feel better! :)

[neon-dream]

Ahw no that's so sad :(.
I agree with both comments, and especially the fact that you will get tons of support here.
Hopefully that will help you through this!!
:grouphug:

[SmellyJelly]

:grouphug: Big hugs to you. That's difficult stuff to deal with. Please make sure you're getting help for the compulsive behavior. I probably don't need to give you advice about the trichotillomania, but just in case you need some reminder or encouragement, it can help to work with a counselor to address the anxiety/compulsions driving the hair pulling and most likely now driving your hair 'perfectionism' and obsessing over split ends. This could make you miserable if you let it get out of hand. My dd has OCD and she has gotten a lot of relief from obsessions and compulsions that troubled her. She has been seeing a cognitive-behavioral therapist who works with her on understanding the OCD and methods to deal with it. She also went on meds after about 6 mos of therapy alone and that has given additional benefit. Not sure of your situation, so maybe it does or doesn't apply, but I see similarities between the trichotillomania and the obsession with the split ends. You need peace and freedom from inner anxiety every bit as much (more) as you need lovely hair.

Hiya :) I am on the waiting list for a mental health service, they said I should start getting appoitments after Easter. Thank you for your kind post xx

[DragonLady]

I do that myself. I used to pull my hair out as a child 'till I had bald patches the size of my hands. I still do it sometimes, when I'm reading or deeply absorbed in something.

The things that help me: everyone in the family is supposed to yell at me to "stop it" if they see me doing it. That gets my attention, although sometimes it's irksome to have a kid yelling at me.

Try using your other hand to pull with. For some reason, that slows me down.

Put something in the way -a hat, or a scarf or bun it up so you can't really reach the sections you like to tug on.

Learn to tug real gentle, so you feel like you're pulling it out, but don't actually cause it to break. That won't help break the habit, but it will save some of your hair.

Keep both hands full. Or put a ton of oil in it in the evenings so it's a greasy mess you don't want to touch.

And keep looking at all the gorgeous pictures here and remind yourself that you like those so much better than the patchy, nasty, diseased-looking mess that you get if you keep pulling it out.

[rhubarbarin]

Your hair can and WILL look beautiful and healthy! You just have to leave it alone. Benign neglect is the best thing for your hair.
I'm sure yours doesn't look nearly as bad as you might think. In fact it might look very nice indeed. You've already come a long way, since it's growing out where you had pulled it before.

I had trichotillomania when I was a kid. I didn't have any particular areas I focused on - I really thinned out my hair all over my head. I very carefully pulled out the whole hair, follicle and all, and then ate the follicle! Sometimes I wonder if my hair would be thicker now if I hadn't ever done it.. oh well. Treatment for general anxiety and compulsive habits is very helpful. I did recover, completely (without treatment, unfortunately - but therapy in later years has been SO HELPFUL for me). I haven't had an urge to pull my hair out for about 10 years.

Not sure if this would be a good thing for you, but I find that in the past, when I have been upset about my hair's condition and finding lots of splits, doing some S+D (looking through individual hairs and carefully snipping off each damaged end, right above where the damage begins) has helped 'scratch that itch' that I get to just CHOP all the damaged bits off.

[Fethenwen]

Ouh, sounds tough. But good thing you are getting help :) I would also suggest some relaxation, maybe you could take up yoga or something? That sort of thing helps to a lot of problems, like I didn't even know that I was tense before I started doing yoga.

Good luck to you!

[spidermom]

When I was growing out my hair, it really helped to get regular small trims to keep my hair looking neat. I couldn't tolerate the awkward stages otherwise - too straggly and unkempt-looking for me personally.

[Johanna64]

:grouphug:
Maybe you can put your hair in nice updo's.

[Atlantic]

I've been struggling with trich for 30 years. I've improved greatly over the past few years, and in the past few months (since I discovered LHC!) I've finally had some success in actually stopping pulling altogether. I had a minor relapse due to a very stressful situation earlier this month, but have stopped again.

I would strongly second the suggestions made by other posters - in particular, joyfulmom4's suggestion of cognitive-behavioural therapy. You can even get books from the library on CBT while you're waiting for an appointment. Also DragonLady's suggestion of practical ways to keep from pulling your hair, and especially rhubarbarin's suggestion of doing S&D (search and destroy) on split and damaged ends - personally I find this is a great replacement obsession. :)

I knit these days to keep my hands busy, or fuss with worry beads. Wearing a scarf or putting hair gunk in helps to make my hair more difficult and less attractive to touch - for me this is really important. I find I can usually ignore my hair when I'm not already touching it, because the touching is what makes me most aware of the hairs that are "different", which are the ones I want to pull. Breaking the habit of habitually touching it is key for me. You need to find your triggers for pulling - touching your hair, or seeing it in the mirror, or whatever - and stop the triggers.

And obsessing mildly about my hair regime is helping a lot! Once I started focussing on actually improving my hair, rather than just stopping pulling, I found it a lot easier to stop - pulling was interfering with an explicit positive goal I had, rather than just the negative goal of "don't pull".

[Anje]

Be careful of the S&D thing... Yes, it's better than pulling the hair out, but as someone who also has tricho tendencies (though my eyebrows and eyelashes were the targets), I can tell you that I can get a bit OCD about S&Ding too.

Get something to put in your hands, pull your hair back, and put a hat or scarf or something on to keep you from touching it and remind you not to, when you're sitting around. You can also cultivate some more benign habits... I have a tendency to scratch up the sebum under my nails while reading, or try to smooth the sebum from the scalp over the hair. The second one is actually good for the hair, though it can definitely speed your toward your next wash day.

[SmellyJelly]

I've been struggling with trich for 30 years. I've improved greatly over the past few years, and in the past few months (since I discovered LHC!) I've finally had some success in actually stopping pulling altogether. I had a minor relapse due to a very stressful situation earlier this month, but have stopped again.

I would strongly second the suggestions made by other posters - in particular, joyfulmom4's suggestion of cognitive-behavioural therapy. You can even get books from the library on CBT while you're waiting for an appointment. Also DragonLady's suggestion of practical ways to keep from pulling your hair, and especially rhubarbarin's suggestion of doing S&D (search and destroy) on split and damaged ends - personally I find this is a great replacement obsession. :)

I knit these days to keep my hands busy, or fuss with worry beads. Wearing a scarf or putting hair gunk in helps to make my hair more difficult and less attractive to touch - for me this is really important. I find I can usually ignore my hair when I'm not already touching it, because the touching is what makes me most aware of the hairs that are "different", which are the ones I want to pull. Breaking the habit of habitually touching it is key for me. You need to find your triggers for pulling - touching your hair, or seeing it in the mirror, or whatever - and stop the triggers.

And obsessing mildly about my hair regime is helping a lot! Once I started focussing on actually improving my hair, rather than just stopping pulling, I found it a lot easier to stop - pulling was interfering with an explicit positive goal I had, rather than just the negative goal of "don't pull".

Thanks for the informative post :) I found that the way I reduced the amount I was pulling my hair was keeping my hands busy too, I often did it when I was feeling awkade around certain people (it probably wasn't the best idea to do it where people could see but nobody ever said anything) I tried to take my mind off things by ripping up paper into tiny tiny pieces, it helped. It's my birthday soon and I asked for lots of new products so im definatly gonna change my regimen for the better which should hopefully reduce my split ends.


Be careful of the S&D thing... Yes, it's better than pulling the hair out, but as someone who also has tricho tendencies (though my eyebrows and eyelashes were the targets), I can tell you that I can get a bit OCD about S&Ding too.

Thats a good point, when I do S&D I can get abit obsessed. Often I have to stop because I feel I might end up cutting lots of my hair off as I get very frustrated when I find lots of split ends. Although if Im cutting the ends off it does help me not to pull them out, as you said :)

[MissLady321]

Aw it will be ok trust me. I myself used to have hair issues. Until about a year ago my hair was broken off from damage. I was even almost bald on my edges. Well first relax your hair will grow just be patient it will take time. I highly recommend using longhairlovers.com products. They are great for healthy fastergrowing hair. 1 to 4 times a month do a hot oil treatment by drenching hair with olive oil. Cover hair with plastic cap and use hooded dryer or blow dryer to apply heat to hair for 5 to 20 min. Wash hair with long hair lovers luxeshampoo beingcareful not to causetangles. You only need a smal amount of shampoo. Squirt a few drops of the clarifying rinse over scalp to remove any unwanted residue on hair. With rinse still in hair applyconditioner to hair and combthrough. Leave on for 3 to 5 min. Putting onshower cap and applying heat is optional. Rinse hair apply leave in conditioner if you like. Blow or air dry. Using ceramic flat iron brush and oil like africas bestultimate herbal hair oil or pure jojoba oil. The oil will help a lot with split ends dryness andbreakage. If you dont feel comfortable trimming your own hair go to the best salon you can find. As for your hair color try using henna it actually moisturizes hair and the color is morenatural and lasts longer. You can find some at lushusa.com (lush cosmetics) I know this is a lot ofadvice but i hope you find ithelpful and if you have morequestions feel free to contat me.

[ravenreed]

I get obsessed with split ends because my skin is so sensitive that they actually make me itchy. I just do constant S&D's and cut off the individual splits. Previously in my life I got non-stop trims to help with the split ends. I have always had them, even with virgin, never heat-treated hair. Ugh! I hate split ends!!!! You may just have to find some way to come to peace with them, though I hope you find something here that helps prevent them. I know that is easier said than done, however.

Have you tried anything to distract yourself from the compulsions? I used to be a nail biter. The only way I was able to give it up is to keep my nails very short and absolutely smooth. As soon as I get a snag, if I don't have a nail file handy, I will bite it!

I hope that you find some relieve for the anxiety. I also cope with anxiousness, although over other things, and it can really impact one's life!

[chrissy-b]

Hi! Another trichster here. :waving:

You've already received some excellent advice, but I'd like to add what has helped me.


Wearing my hair up as often as possible. It keeps me from cutting and triggering the urge to pull.
Don't go too long between washes: at least for me, the excess sebum gives me urges.
Monistat helped the thin parts fill in. Tea tree oil helps cool your scalp.
Scalp massages helps my hair grow in thicker.
Heavy oiling, catnip tea rinses and cassia have all helped with splits. I really don't have many splits or breakage.


And like someone else said, it really helps to look at photos of beautiful hair and to believe that you can really get there someday!