Family harassment again...

[joyfulmom4]

Here I thought we were past this (having gone over this territory so many times before) but my mom gave me the "you should cut your hair" lecture again this week. I was surprised at how much it still hurt and how much it affected my self-confidence, even though I really love my long hair. :(

We went to a water park with the kids last week for a couple of days for spring break. While in the hotel room, mom was watching me comb out and oil my hair. Then she started in with the not-so-subtle hints.

"I saw a woman at the store the other day with 'your hair' (meaning thick, wavy hair like mine). She had it cut about shoulder length with pretty layers and bangs and it looked so beautiful and flattering on her."

"Uh huh. Sounds nice."

Long pause while I go on ignoring her and she sits there waiting for me to take the bait.

"That was a hint, you know."

"Yes. And I am ignoring it. I am sure her hair was very nice but I like my hair just fine the way it is."

"But it would look so much nicer if you cut it. Your hair isn't flattering. It's too long. It makes you look old. You'd look so much prettier with a shorter style."

"Mom, I like my long hair. We've had this discussion before and you know I don't want to cut my hair. In fact, I'm letting it grow longer. Maybe someday I'll decide to cut it, but for now, I am just letting it grow to see how long it will get. Perhaps by this time next year, it will be to my knees!"

(Big gasp of horror and disgust!) "Oh no! You're not really going to do that are you? That's just crazy. Why would you want to do that? That's awful. No way. You're not going to do that!"

"Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But it's not up to you. You know that I like long hair. I always have. Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved long hair. That hasn't changed throughout the years. Whether I was a kid, a teen, a young adult or a 40-something mother, I have loved long hair. And so I am wearing it this way. I always loved paisley too, by the way, so I wear that as well. I guess that makes me a long-haired hippie? ;) I know you don't like long hair and you feel I would look better with another style. But how I wear my hair is not up to you. (And borrowing my favorite LHC reply...) I AM NOT HERE TO DECORATE YOUR WORLD"

End of discussion.

At the time, I thought I handled it well. It was all calm and not upset or emotional. I thought I was OK with it. But since then, I notice myself being more self-critical and seeing myself as old and frumpy when I look in the mirror. :(

So I had to vent here. I know you guys will cheer me up.

[Gutterfayrie]

Good for you!!!

[JamieLeigh]

If having long hair is "old" and "frumpy", then why do so many young celebrities spend so much money to get long extensions, so they can mimic what you have going on naturally? ;)

I'm sorry you're having to deal with things like this in your own family. I'm sure my turn will come one day, since I've been pretty much left alone for the last few years. Family should be supportive, not critical, in situations like this where your decision isn't hurting you or anyone else. The time to be critical would be "Why are you letting your child ride with no car seat?" Something that is obviously dangerous or unlawful. Not style decisions!!!

:heartbeat:grouphug::love::heart::flower: = from me and everyone else with an open mind and a loving heart

:tongue::crazyq: = to what everyone else thinks!!!!

[Kerynna]

Wow, sounds like you held up much better than I would have. I love the way you handled it. I'm sorry you had to deal with those critical comments from your mom. I wonder, if you were to cut your hair in exactly the way she wants, would she just come up with some other aspect of your appearance to harangue you about?

Your hair is absolutely radiant and gorgeous, by the way. :flower:

[Xandergrammy]

Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry you had to deal with this. Your hair is drop dead gorgeous and some people will just never understand our love for very long, beautiful hair. Don't let your mom bring down your self esteem and happiness with your hair. My guess is that if you cut your hair exactly the way your mom suggests, she'd find something else to "suggest". Some people are just like that. Hugs to you.


P.S. Hey Kerynna, I posted this without reading your comment. "Great minds think alike!" :gabigrin:

[ravenreed]

I don't know if it helps at all, but most of my girlfriends have longer hair. The age range is 20's - 50's. I am talking bra strap or longer, which I know is not long for here, but in the real world it is... I don't think any of them look frumpy. Two of my friends with shorter hair are in the process of growing it long. My 66 year old mom would KILL for hair like mine. No one I know is considering chopping it off. Also included is a set of 30-ish identical and one has long hair and one short (chin length). The longer haired one doesn't look any older or frumpier!

Have you told your mom how much it hurts for her to say these things? I would probably say something to the effect of, "I love you, but this conversation hurts my feelings and I feel unsupported. I just won't discuss it ever again." Then I would walk away the next time she brings it up. But of course, not everyone would feel comfortable saying that to their mom, I understand that.

[Jim]

Gosh. Looking at your pictures it is hard to imagine what your mother sees. Your hair is beautiful. Don't let her biases sway you. She has her own conception of what looks good and that is okay. It's just to bad she feels the need to impose it on others.

I think you handled it very well. So, you have beautiful hair, and you are diplomatic too. What's to be critical about?

Jim

[spidermom]

You handled that very well, I think. Good for you! With or without criticism from an outside source, I think we all have days when we wonder if a different hair style would be more flattering or easier. I had a day like that yesterday, and nobody was harrassing me.

[kdaniels8811]

I am envious of your hair, it is beautiful! I a sorry your mom is not being more supportive, why do the people we love the most have to be like that? You did handle it well, I would of been in tears - and twice as determined to NEVER cut my hair.. Yours is very beautiful.

[Akiko]

I am sorry you had to go through that. I am the same age as you. I would feel hurt if my mother said the same thing. Your hair is so full and gorgeous. Your updos are amazing. I can never have a braided bun like your avatar. Mines are petite! Oh, well.

Maybe not showing your mom your hair down might help? I just hope somehow your mom will come to understand that you value your hair very much.

[EdG]

My mom also regularly complains about my hair being too long.

It's strange how parents will treat their offspring like kids, even though the "kids" are in their forties. :silly:

Next time that happens, you could point out to your mom that you're well into adulthood and have been making your own decisions for two decades.

Of course, that tactic has yet to work on my mom. :shrug:

You have gorgeous hair, BTW. :)
Ed

[BlackfootHair]

I suppose mothers will always feel the need to be overbearing when it comes to being critical of their kids. They feel like they will always know best. :)

[SHELIAANN1969]

You are not old, nor frumpy! :flower:

You have one of the most fabulous heads of hair on this board, you are one of my many hair idols!

Don't let her get to you, you look fan-tab-u-lous! :blossom:

[Elbereth]

Your hair is simply stunning- there is nothing old and frumpy in it. To each to her own, I guess, but I completely fail to understand how could anyone possibly think your hair is anything but amazingly beautiful.

In fact, I have noticed that lately great many women in their 40's and 50's have started to sport this slightly past shoulder length style (much like the one your mother described, I think) and I have started to associate that with middle age wannabe-upper middle class ladies...:rolleyes:

[Aisha25]

Goodness I would never think you would get grief. But wow how horrible:grouphug: You have gooooergous hair and its so thick from top to bottoms. I think you handled it very well and I think wow what a way to respond,it was perfect and down to the point great job:thumbsup: Please dont look at yourself and see what your mother is making you see,you are not that frumpy old looking not at all. Long hair makes you look young and feel it as well. I mean I see older women all the time with short short hair and I think wow that makes her look so old and manly. So please dont give it a second thought ok:flower:

[Carolyn]

Some people just don't like long hair. My parents were like that. My mom would say things about getting my hair cut my whole adult life. She only complimented my long hair one time. She just couldn't see the beauty in long hair. To her, styled short hair was pretty and good looking. I knew we were never going to agree on this. She eventually stopped saying things but I knew what she was thinking.

I think parents feel it's OK to still talk to their adult children as if they were still young children. They think they know best for us and it's part of wanting the best for us. I'm not saying that's right. I'm just saying that's how the thinking can be.

Hopefully she won't say what she is thinking to you from now on. If she does, the next thing to do is acknowledge that you know she wants the best for you but that you know what you want. And as an adult you get to pick your hairstyles, no matter who thinks they are unflattering. Tell her that her comments really hurt your feelings and that if she keeps on with them, it could affect your relationship. Also tell her you don't want that to happen.

[Hypnotica]

I think you handle it very well. And if she bring this up again, a beautiful response would be: "This subject is not open for discussion". Later, rinse, repeat.

[templeofvenus]

There is so much pressure nowadays in magazines etc saying long hair ages you!!! Personally I think thats rubbish! In the old days back in the tudor court long hair was a prized possesion even on older women! so I think its really down to fashion and what is in at the time, if you are not a slave to fashion with your hair then wear it the way you wish, how can hair make a face look older?!?! your hair is beautiful, glorious in fact! I say keep it if you love it like that then its your feelings that matter :flowers:

[RustedAngel]

My family is really strangely supportive of my long hair. I don't think anyone has said anything critical or suggested I cut it, and my mom actually tells me all the time that my hair is really pretty and looks really healthy.

On the other hand I did get a really awkward question from my grandparents last thanksgiving about when they would get great grandkids. I'm 25, don't have a serious girlfriend, and I don't even think I want kids! I was pretty upset, but I guess their generation was a lot different. It was kind of expected that you just popped out kids at 18 and took whatever job you could get I guess? That's not what I want for myself.

[IrishRover716]

If you were a 40 year old guy with hair that long, she'd probably just say that you looked like you didn't want to grow up. I think the "old and frumpy" comment is just trying to justify her dislike of your hair, which she probably has no real reason for. Because I don't know any old woman who wouldn't kill to have long, beautiful hair.

[Wind-in-Tree]

Joyfullmom,

Although it hurts a little bit when your mother does not approve of your hair, I think you gave made your point quite clear.
We always like to think that our mothers love and like us no matter what and it is hard to accept if they don't seem to.
But this says more about your mother than about you.

If loving long hair and paisley makes you a long haired hippie, I guess I am a hippie too.
I am 42 years old, and love to wear long skirts. I have hair a little above the APL length but with patience and TLC, I hope it will be back to where it used to be.
I wear it a folded French braid to protect is as much as I can.
One of my sons told me a while ago that I looked just like an Amish woman.
I took it as a compliment.

Mature women, in my opinion, look younger with long hair.
The older you are, the younger you look when you have long hair, girlish in a mature way.
What makes you beautiful is being as much yourself as you can be.
Not to mindlessly and without courage follow the fashion rules of society!

Be the long haired lady in paisly.
I am sure you look beautiful exactly how you are!
Your hair looks amazing......

Again, this says more about your mother than about you.

Take care.

[Helen Baq]

I've never understood that "long hair makes you look older" thing. I never heard it until I was watching some makeover show where they cut some woman's hair. I found it confusing because I always felt long hair made people look younger! I think the whole thing is just the media convincing us that we don't look good unless we do what they say. :rolleyes:

Your hair is beautiful. I honestly can't understand how anyone could not find long, shiny, healthy hair beautiful. I'm sorry you've had to deal with this from her. I think maybe telling her she's hurting your feelings, as many others have suggested, might help. :)

[LadyLongLocks]

I'm glad you explained to her how you felt. You should wear your hair as YOU like it. Your hair is beautiful!
My mom used to do the same thing to me. If my hair got close to classic length, she would always say "it's getting kind of long isn't it?" I would usually cut it back :( I had small children and I didn't have much time for hair in the 90s. So I agreed and would cut it back several inches.

Now she has accepted my hair and it is longer than ever. Its knee length and I am keeping it. It almost seems that once my hair got to mid thigh she left me alone...now I was a rare one with hair this long...now she brags about my long hair!!

Buns are not frumpy either! Your buns are so pretty and I always admire your avatar!

Anyone can have short layered hair...few can grow it as long and beautiful as yours :)

You could have also told her what style would look better on her, but I bet you didn't.

[LittleOrca]

I would have also said I don't see many old women with long hair. It's all short, blue poodle-perms. Maybe it is short hair that makes you look older then? After all, little girls with long hair look like little girls, but if they cut their hair to a pixie, then they look more grown up... or at least that was the line used on me when I was little and talked into a pixie cut.

[Dreams_in_Pink]

I just couldn't hold myself...

If every women thought that way, hair extension industry would collapse:
http://i559.photobucket.com/albums/ss33/dreams_in_pink/LLLong.jpg
http://i559.photobucket.com/albums/ss33/dreams_in_pink/annak.jpg

[Themyst]

I just love your hair! If only mine could be so thick.

It sounds to me like you handled your mother's comments pretty well. I think of long hair as part of a personality trait. I really think there is something wrong with people who insist others must change their personality to meet their standards. Perhaps you mother has some kind of underlying issue.

Where I live, all around me are women with old lady bob chops. There must be some unwritten rule here that when you get married or turn 30, you must conform. I don't want to look like that! Indeed, I cause quite a spectacle when I go out with my hair down.

[Silverlox]

It's strange how parents will treat their offspring like kids, even though the "kids" are in their forties. :silly:

Next time that happens, you could point out to your mom that you're well into adulthood and have been making your own decisions for two decades.

Of course, that tactic has yet to work on my mom. :shrug:

You have gorgeous hair, BTW. :)
Ed

What Ed said. :agree:

I'm into my fifties and have the same problem with my mother, - the militant short-hair fanatic.

How come that once you're well into adulthood long hair is always wrong in some people's view? Hair must truly have magical properties since it makes you look old and frumpy, at the same time as it makes you seem desperate to look young. :shrug: Weird!

While I find it very easy to disregard negative hair comments from people who are not very important to me, it's quite a different matter when it comes from the near and dear because they are already under your skin.

Your hair is more than gorgeous!! It's so amazingly thick-y-licious, I'm practically drooling with envy! :bowtome::thud:

Mothers! :rolleyes:
Can't live with them, wouldn't have been here without them. :p

Disclaimer: I'm in no way implying that all mothers are bad news. Heck, I'm a mother myself! I also love my mother dearly, she is wonderful in many ways.
I just wish I could find a way to convince her to quit making negative hair comments.. :shake:

[princess]

Here I thought we were past this (having gone over this territory so many times before) but my mom gave me the "you should cut your hair" lecture again this week. I was surprised at how much it still hurt and how much it affected my self-confidence, even though I really love my long hair. :(

We went to a water park with the kids last week for a couple of days for spring break. While in the hotel room, mom was watching me comb out and oil my hair. Then she started in with the not-so-subtle hints.

"I saw a woman at the store the other day with 'your hair' (meaning thick, wavy hair like mine). She had it cut about shoulder length with pretty layers and bangs and it looked so beautiful and flattering on her."

"Uh huh. Sounds nice."

Long pause while I go on ignoring her and she sits there waiting for me to take the bait.

"That was a hint, you know."

"Yes. And I am ignoring it. I am sure her hair was very nice but I like my hair just fine the way it is."

"But it would look so much nicer if you cut it. Your hair isn't flattering. It's too long. It makes you look old. You'd look so much prettier with a shorter style."

"Mom, I like my long hair. We've had this discussion before and you know I don't want to cut my hair. In fact, I'm letting it grow longer. Maybe someday I'll decide to cut it, but for now, I am just letting it grow to see how long it will get. Perhaps by this time next year, it will be to my knees!"

(Big gasp of horror and disgust!) "Oh no! You're not really going to do that are you? That's just crazy. Why would you want to do that? That's awful. No way. You're not going to do that!"

"Maybe I will, maybe I won't. But it's not up to you. You know that I like long hair. I always have. Ever since I was a little girl, I have loved long hair. That hasn't changed throughout the years. Whether I was a kid, a teen, a young adult or a 40-something mother, I have loved long hair. And so I am wearing it this way. I always loved paisley too, by the way, so I wear that as well. I guess that makes me a long-haired hippie? ;) I know you don't like long hair and you feel I would look better with another style. But how I wear my hair is not up to you. (And borrowing my favorite LHC reply...) I AM NOT HERE TO DECORATE YOUR WORLD"

End of discussion.

At the time, I thought I handled it well. It was all calm and not upset or emotional. I thought I was OK with it. But since then, I notice myself being more self-critical and seeing myself as old and frumpy when I look in the mirror. :(

So I had to vent here. I know you guys will cheer me up.

I do not know about getting old and frumpy with long hair but your siggy picture is beautiful. What a beautiful colour and it looks shiny and healthy.

So do not worry about "old and frumpy". It is just that people are used to the layered cuts and styles.

I think you look very nice and I would give anything to have a head of hair like yours.

[s_tresses]

Its amazing to me how culture shapes opinion. I mean everyone in my family is encouraging the ladies to grow their hair longer and what seems too extreme is cutting it very short. Of course, when the majority wants people to act or look like a certain way it is suffocating. Like in my culture if moms encourage their daughters to grow their hair longer they think its "bugging" and I used to think that also.

They should just be supportive and there are always ways to present the same opinion in a much more nicer way.

[Pixna]

Old and frumpy???!!! Of COURSE you're not!!! How sad that your mother is trying to dig into your "soft spots" and get her way by saying something so insulting. I'm in my 50s and my mother (who is in her 80s) will probably never understand why I don't color my hair (like she does) or wear it "helmet style": short, teased, and lacquered so heavily that a tornado couldn't move it. To each her own, I suppose.

All the gorgeous Hollywood babes of every ilk and age have long hair. And when they cut it short, they inevitably start growing it back right away or get extensions. Long hair is versatile, feminine, youthful (regardless of one's age), and sensual. Don't let your mother's harping get to you. Your hair is phenomenal and so are you!

[marzipanthecat]

Hello -

Gosh, it's amazing how hurtful family can be, isn't it? At least you dealt with it all very sensibly and explained why you like having long hair. Of course, I think your hair is just lovely and I can't think why anyone would tell you to cut it, but I guess all mothers always think of their children as forever little children, no matter how old they are, and therefore just "tell them off" about anything!

I have an aunt who keeps telling me to get my hair cut (I kind of tune this out now, like background noise1), but she has been trying since I was a little girl, and it isn't as if I have always had very long hair, especially back when I was about 6. OK, storytime: Way back in the olden days, when I was about 6 years old, I had hair that was just past my shoulders. I was living with this aunt at the time (oh, we were a really share-the-children-around sort of family) and she was determined I should have my hair cut short - like her son's hair (we are talking army crop short here). So she takes me to the barber with him, as he was due for another buzz cut, and of course I start screaming the pace down (I didn't want my hair cut but then I didn't want ANYTHING I was told I must have, including baths and bedtimes, I was a very annoying child). So this barber, who apparently wasn't too keen on cutting a female's hair anyway, tells my aunt he certainly won't do it now. And I wouldn't let her near me for days - she kept following me around with scissors! So, fast forward almost 30 years, and this is still going on! So it isn't just your mother, I'd bet a lot of people have family who think they have the right to be rude!

[Alun]

If you were a 40 year old guy with hair that long, she'd probably just say that you looked like you didn't want to grow up. I think the "old and frumpy" comment is just trying to justify her dislike of your hair, which she probably has no real reason for. Because I don't know any old woman who wouldn't kill to have long, beautiful hair.

I've long since learnt that if someone doesn't like long hair, they'll say anything, no matter if they contradict themself, especially my mum!

Your hair is (pick at least one):-

Too thick/thin to grow out

Too straight/wavy to grow out

Makes you look too young/old

Is out of fashion/just copying the herd (if it's in fashion)

Etc, etc, etc.

All any of it means is that the person saying it doesn't like long hair - no more, no less.

[longhairedfairy]

Wow, with the way your hair looks in your signature pic the ONE and ONLY reason to object to it is jealousy (or would that be envy? ;)).

[joyfulmom4]

:grouphug:

Aaaawww, thanks everyone. :)

I posted this, left for a meeting and then lunch, and came back to find all these wonderfully encouraging posts. I *so* appreciate it. I can't believe I let myself get worked up over this type of thing, but I guess that parent-child thing works both ways. Somewhere inside there's always the kid who wants to please mom (or at least feels bad displeasing her).

Not that my mom is bad. She and I actually get along really well and she does so much for us (helping out w/ kids, etc) and I have a lot of fun w/ her and enjoy her company. But, mother-child relationships always have those few little thorns, I guess. And the hair thing has been one for awhile. But I had been under the (mistaken) impression that she'd finally accepted my choice and was leaving me alone. She hasn't said anything in a long time. I guess maybe she needed a reminder?

Anyway, your comments and insights helped. I do think it's a "not liking long hair" thing, rather than anything specific to my hair. She just doesn't like long hair. Never has. Just as much as I have always liked it. But I have never bugged her about hers. I appreciate everyone's compliments too. I was really flattered. You all are too kind. All the gorgeous long-hairs here are my inspiration. When I look at your pics, I see beautiful hair. I imagine my mother would tell you to get a haircut too. :rolleyes: So I will try to remind myself of that when I start hearing the "frumpy and old" voice in my head. I don't see any frumpy, old hair around here. Mine must not be either. :)

[heidi w.]

Back away from the scissors and look again in the mirror at BEAUTIFUL YOU!

That hair is GORGEOUS. You have the hair everyone wants.

Dim the lights. Everyone looks good in dim light!

(I do.)
heeeeheeee
heidi w.

[janeytilllie]

Your hair is very very beautful! And in my opinion short hair makes one look older.

And alot of top celebrities have long hair too
E.g. Jennifer Lopez, Celne Dion, Shania Twain and Crystal Gale to name a few. These ladies are very beautiful and do not look old with long hair.

I do not understand people who think that having long hair is bad thing?!

Best to keep ignoring your mum. Keep strong and don't listen to her ;) :blossom:

[Asha]

K I'm 19 an would kill for hair like yours at any age LOL. Seriously I'm envious so don't be so hard on yourself. I would lovee to have that some day and can only hope that mine looks as nice. Plus I think the hair in your avatar is rather young and adorable in style so...idk hope I helped.

[Fairlight63]

I love your long hair. It is just beautiful! Don't you even ever think of cutting your hair short!

Your Mom sounds like my husband. I have learned to keep it up around him so that he doesn't know how long my hair is getting to be.

[Feline]

Once, one of my sisters was being a pain trying to tell me I should cut my hair. Without really thinking about it, I just blurted out, "it's my only really good feature, why would I want to get rid of it?". Dead silence and a nervous look. Uh-huh. In blurt veritas, I guess.

[adiapalic]

I suppose mothers will always feel the need to be overbearing when it comes to being critical of their kids. They feel like they will always know best. :)

Yes they will--forever, and ever, and ever, amen. :(

[Teazel]

That hair is GORGEOUS. You have the hair everyone wants.

Yep, what she said. :agree: If your hair is no good, what hope is there for the rest of us?? :lol:

[Debra83]

Mom's have a way of pulling out the old emotional manipulation trick when trying to "force" you to conform to the image they have for you in their head. I know, I'm a daughter and a mother!!!!

While I swore I would never pull that trick on my child, I have, to my horror, found myself using it on occasion to which I IMMEDIATELY apologize as soon as I recognize myself doing it and recant whatever "important-mother-thought" I was having at the time. Suggestions are okay and welcome. It's the delivery that causes angst in my opinion and experience.

In spite of drumming up thoughts of inadequacy and self-doubt, the lack of "mother approval" also will play on us (meaning girls, as I can't speak for guys).

My mom commented on how my hair was getting longer the other day and it brightened my day that she noticed and said something (she knows I'm trying). If she had something bad though, I would have defended my choice, but I don't think I would have attached that line about decorating on it as it seems a little disrespectful and wayyyyy too defensive. If I had tagged it on, I probably would feel that I should apologize as mom opinions ARE important to me - even if they push wrong buttons sometimes.

[MadPirateBippy]

My hubs wants me to cut. Some people you just have to lay the law down with. My Mom also does the "That was a hint, by the way" thing, too. I have yet to find a good way of dealing with that.

"I know, this is me ignoring your hint." works, but only sometimes.

I guess its hard for moms to let go of the illusion that they have some sort of control over us.

[spf4214]

I think that you dealt with the situation very well. Your hair is amazing and if you like it long then you should wear it long.

[hennaphile]

I;m so sorry you have to deal with that! it honestly sounds like she's jelous of how awesome your hair is, or is projecting her own insecurities onto you.

and also:

Long hair is not frumpy! in fact, i think short hair has a greater tendancy to do so, but that's beside the point. you responded very thoughtfully, be proud of how you choose to wear your hair!

[shayly-fyanna]

Hugs! you don't look old or frumpy. and i second the comment about celebrities getting their hair damaged by getting extension so they can look as good as you and many here do with such long, silky, luxurious hair. ** ;) ** sorry a little bit of envy here, I adore long hair and dream of getting mine to Classic at least, loving Medieval history and such craziness i wish to have such knee length hair like the women i've seen in pictures of the 18th. and 19th. century, and the paintings of such beautiful hair as the accolade. not to forget such beauties as those that parade sharing the pictures of their hair here at LHC.

So i understand and :flower::wethree::grouphug: commiserate with you getting such comments and from mom. but well some people just have to try and change your mind. you were nice about your opinions and wishes and i cannot say what i would do or say in such a situation. but i agree it's your hair and your desires that matter. so hug your mom and tell her you love her and accept that it might take alot to change her views, and just keep going on your lovely, silky, shiny way down the long haired road to happiness.

[Sha-na-na]

Ya know, Moms really do not want to hurt our feelings. They say these nasty things with the belief that they are giving us tough love and that what they are saying is for our own good. They have this belief that they should say it before the real world tells it to us in a nastier way.

Maybe you really WOULD look good with shorter hair. Maybe you would look better with short hair. But that is besides the point. It is your hair, and you get to choose. Just tell your mother that you do not like it when she suggests it, and you wish she would lay off.

Good luck with it! <3 your hair!

[Chrissy]

OK first of all in defense of Moms as I am one. Not ALL Moms are manipulative etc as stated in this thread. We are all individuals so I think a sweeping statement like that is unfair.

OK on to your beautiful hair. I have never understood why anyone would care about how one wears their hair. What does it matter? Who does it hurt? There are far more important thiings to argue/discuss than this.

I have always told my kids (who are now 14 and almost 19) that I don't care what they do to their hair. As long as it is taken care of. I don't care what color it is, how long it is etc.

It does hurt more I feel when a parent or someone you love tells you how they feel in a way that is not so nice. I hate when people say things with a smile but nasty stuff spews out. I'm thankful you are not letting it get to you for too long.

I would love to have hair your length and plan to do so!! Hey I'm almost 54 and no way will I ever cut again. I've done it too much already. Also you are very talented when it comes to styles. I visited your page and it is lovely!!!

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your Mom but maybe tell her you know she loves you but it really hurts when she keeps at you with getting your hair cut. I would be kind but blunt. Otherwise you will always wonder when the next attack will happen.

I wish you the best!!!!!

[joyfulmom4]

Reading through the many messages here, I have to comment on the mother-child relationship. I'm a mom too, though my kids are younger, so we're not yet at this stage of things. I think about it though, about whether I'll be able to restrain myself from making inappropriate and/or controlling comments/suggestions with my own kids when they're grown. I have to admit that I know it will be a struggle. I think moms all want their kids to be the best they can be and to have the best for their kids. And of course I know my mother isn't trying to be mean. She likely doesn't even realize how much the comments hurt my feelings or my self-esteem. Mom's a very good person and a great mom. We get along beautifully for the most part. But all moms and daughters have their moments, don't they? I imagine so. Like all relationships. :)

Anyway, I really appreciate all the responses and the positive feedback. I've been feeling a bit depressed lately. Nothing in particular, I have had a lot of stress at home and work and have been really, really busy, so there's not a lot of time to relax and rejuvenate. I haven't been exercising and I've put on weight. Looking into my spring wardrobe has been an ego-deflating experience, to say the least, since nothing fits. None of this has helped me feel great about my appearance, so a critique of what I always consider my "best feature" really stung. I could really relate to the story Feline told about blurting out to her sister that it's her only good feature so why would she want to get rid of it. On a good day, I know that's not true either. But when you have one of those bad days, well, ykwim.

In any case, I'm generally feeling better today. And I really appreciate the feedback. Oh, and I am having lunch with my mom today. I'm sure the topic of hair won't even come up. We'll just carry on as usual. Hopefully she won't bring up hair again for a long time, better yet, never. :)

[heidi w.]

I guess its hard for moms to let go of the illusion that they have some sort of control over us.

That's no illusion.

Even though I'm well into my adulthood and have had a very rocky relationship with my mother, and even though now we talk a few times a year, she is the one who installed my buttons!

heidi w.

[jewelotn]

I haven't read through all the responses but have to say that I think you handled yourself very well to your mom!

I think maybe in the future, not tell her so much about your plans with your hair since she's not supportive and can be placed in the "need to know basis" group...?

Also, perhaps changing the subject whenever she tries to talk about hair...? IE: (mom): So...I saw someone with beautiful hair with lots of layers. (you): That's nice. So have you talked to (insert a friend or family member's name) lately?

And I agree with pp that perhaps this is also a way for your mom to feel like you're not growing up so fast or that you're still her "baby"...

Not that that would make her questioning or persistent need to "persuade" you less hurtful or bothersome...lol. Moms can be tough! I hope I can be supportive to my 2 girls (DD1 is 3 yrs, DD2 is 7 months) in all their decisions. Ok, most of them at least...:)

[Ndnlady]

You handled the situation well! You are not old and frumpy, don't let her make you second guess yourself like that, she has raised you and now you are making your own decisions period. Your hair in your sig pic is quite beautiful by the way!:)

[joyfulmom4]

That's no illusion.

Even though I'm well into my adulthood and have had a very rocky relationship with my mother, and even though now we talk a few times a year, she is the one who installed my buttons!

heidi w.


LOL! This is hilarious. Yep. No wonder they know just how to push all our buttons, since they did install them. :p

[Pixna]

...she is the one who installed my buttons!

Truer words were never said!!! :gabigrin:

[rubyann]

joyfulmom4:grouphug:

My hair is neither as long as yours or as thick and gorgeous as yours:thudpile:, but I know what you mean about your mom. My mom just has to comment on when I'll cut it or when it will be long enough, just about every time I see her.:horse: I just smile and tell her I like it and that's all that matters. I don't let it bother me at all. I do go through the feeling frumpy/old thing occasionally, but I ignore it and it goes away:lala: Life is much too short to let other people's negative opinions matter to me, even from my mom. Too funny, I remember bugging her about her unfashionable makeup and polyester clothing back in the late '70s early '80s. Maybe it's payback time:wink:

Am I feelin' the smilies today or what?!? Whatever, I just want you to know that your hair is beautiful and if it makes you happy that's all that matters!

[pointydog]

I just stumbled in here and had to laugh.
My mother has incredibly thick, strong hair. Used to be BSL, but sometime in the late 70's she cut it short. It's been getting shorter and shorter as time goes by.

I used to get comments from mom about my hair being 'stringy' 'difficult' 'hippy-looking' 'unprofessional' etc. with advice on just how short it should be, pictures from magazines, salon cards, pointing out hairstyles she liked.

I fixed that once and for all some time ago. I told mom "Look, I love you, and you're my mom. I have never before said one word about your hair. You've sacrificed it all for convenience and I don't like the way it looks at all. Yet I've respectfully held my tongue because you never asked what I thought about it. If you aren't willing to grow your hair back to waist-length just because I think it would look nice, then why on earth would you think I should cut mine because you *think* you'd like it better short?"

She was a little hurt at first I think, but later that day she told me I was right and she was sorry about it. Just recently she actually tried growing it out and it was a little below her collar when she gave up again. I am amazed at how fast her hair grows and how incredibly strong and thick it is. More white than black now, but still incredible. I was hoping it would get long enough that I could show her how to french braid it, but it never got that far.

Oh well.

Don't let it get you down. My mom and I will never agree about it, but once I spelled it out she stopped being critical.

Hopefully you will eventually reach a point with your mother when you can agree to disagree.

[Carolyn]

I just stumbled in here and had to laugh.
My mother has incredibly thick, strong hair. Used to be BSL, but sometime in the late 70's she cut it short. It's been getting shorter and shorter as time goes by.

I used to get comments from mom about my hair being 'stringy' 'difficult' 'hippy-looking' 'unprofessional' etc. with advice on just how short it should be, pictures from magazines, salon cards, pointing out hairstyles she liked.

I fixed that once and for all some time ago. I told mom "Look, I love you, and you're my mom. I have never before said one word about your hair. You've sacrificed it all for convenience and I don't like the way it looks at all. Yet I've respectfully held my tongue because you never asked what I thought about it. If you aren't willing to grow your hair back to waist-length just because I think it would look nice, then why on earth would you think I should cut mine because you *think* you'd like it better short?"

She was a little hurt at first I think, but later that day she told me I was right and she was sorry about it.

Excellent! I'm willing to bet your mom had never thought about what she was saying to you in reverse. It's a two way street.