Hair to please your man?

[Fairlight63]

I am just curious to know are there any ladies who keep their hair in a certain way to please their S.O.?
My DH likes my hair short (chin length) but I am not wanting to cut my hair (short is too much work). I want it long (BSL) for more styling options.
So if your S.O. wanted you to cut your hair would you do it?

[Teazel]

Hell no. Not if I were passionate about keeping it long.

On the other hand, the fact that my DH loves my hair long has prevented me from cutting on a whim a few times. :)

ETA: I should add that since my hair passed classic he finds the 'super length' a bit creepy, or freaky, or something. I understand that: I used to think the same thing. But it's not going to stop me growing my hair as long as I like.

[joyfulmom4]

When I first met my dh, I had long hair, about waist length. Dh must have found me attractive, since he asked me out. ;) But after a few months of dating, I found out that he really liked short hair on women. This wasn't revealed in any way that was critical of me. I don't even remember how it came up, just incidentally in some conversation or other.

But that doesn't mean dh doesn't like my hair. I don't even know if he still prefers short hair. We don't really talk about that. But I do know that he finds my hair attractive anyway. It's not like he dislikes long hair. He compliments me on mine at times when it looks particularly nice. And he has said positive things to me about it. One thing for sure, he's never suggested I cut it or wear it differently. The most he ever does is to mention how much he likes a particular look (which of course means I'll wear it more b/c I do like to look attractive to my partner). I don't think I would have cut my hair just to please him. And he's never pressured me, nor do I think he would.

I think most partners are that way. Just b/c a person really likes a certain look does not usually translate into them not liking any other look. You can be a big fan of short hair, but still think a certain long-haired person looks fabulous.

I'd say one should wear their hair (and clothes, etc) in a fashion they like and feel good in. Most partners who are caring and supportive will love their partner and find them attractive no matter what.

[Eboshi]

Cut my hair short ...... where ? :tmi:

[Carolyn]

I second the "hell no". If he wants a short haired woman he can go find one.

[Euphony]

Absolutely not! It happens I met hubby when my hair was short, it actually didn't dawn on me that he might like long or short hair. My hair before LHC was always no longer than bsl, but coincidentally I met hubby shortly after one of my hack my hair off to chin length or shorter periods (I used to go through those a lot). Fortunately he actually likes long hair, but really doesn't care if my hair is short or long as long as it pleases me.

[AJoifulNoise]

Nope, my hair is mine and for my own pleasure. I wouldn't cut it for anyone but me.

[AmyJorgensen]

I usually hear it the other way around, in that the man wishes his partner would keep her hair long....but, no, I wouldn't cut.

[RavennaNight]

No way. My hair is not for anyone but me. Ooooooooh I'd be mad if that ever even remotely came up.

[GlennaGirl]

I sort of have. Several times. My DH has subtly made it known that my hair is stringy and thin when it's longer. It has taken me a long time to get to the point of deciding to grow anyway, but I have. But again...it did take a really long time.

He's not controlling or anything. I don't want to give that impression. I'm a little hyper-sensitive to criticism.

[spidermom]

I've made compromises in certain areas. He dislikes bangs. I like bangs. I don't have bangs.

[Euphony]

I've made compromises in certain areas. He dislikes bangs. I like bangs. I don't have bangs.
How funny! I do the exact same thing! I haven't had bangs in 5.5 years, met hubby 5 years ago - he's never seen more than a picture of me with bangs. I miss my bangs, I keep waffling, he did say however whatever makes me happy...I'm still waffling :D

[kdaniels8811]

I second the hell no! to cutting my hair. But if they like it short and we wear it up all the time, isn't that almost the same thing? My SO is a little disconcerted that my hair is always in a bun so if we go out I told him I will wear it down. The fact that this is day 86 of hair up tells you we have not been out in a while!! Oh, I take that back we did go out but I had just recieved an incredibly beautiful Nightblooming hairstick so had to wear my hair up to show it off....

http://i494.photobucket.com/albums/rr303/kdaniels8811/nightbloominghairstick-1.jpg

Don't you agree?

[HairColoredHair]

Cut my hair for someone else? :spitting:

[going gray]

My DH recently said to me, that my hair isn't the same thickness it used to be, & wouldn't it be much easier to manage chin length. Been all through that time & time again, NO, it's much harder to care for & I'm keeping my hair long. No I wouldn't cut it for him!

[rapunzhell13]

I've always encountered the opposite and had short hair regardless, super short even. I think you just gotta do what makes you happy and be confident in your decisions. If my Significant Other tried to enforce their preference on me, it would make me think twice about them. Hair is just hair, to me at least. :shrug:

[angeldance]

When I met my husband I had very short hair and he loved it, but when I told him that I wanted to grow it long to at least waist length maybe hip, he was over the moon!!! so I have inadvertently pleased him!:)

[DragonLady]

I have changed my hair for everyone under the sun. :(

My parents, my foster parents, my boyfriends, my bosses.... Never again!

This is the first time in my life I have a real goal for my own hair to do what I want, and I want to grow it to my ankles. I may never make it that far, but it's what I want and I'm enjoying the process. Thankfully, my DH is behind me all the way, but even if he wasn't I'd still do it.

Do what YOU want. You'll be happier with every decision in your whole life if it's based on what you hope to achieve. There will always be times you have to compromise or tweak things a bit, but heading north if you want to be somewhere further south will only make you angry and bitter and more resentful than ever about every little thing that doesn't turn out exactly right.

[CaityBear]

Never. But my boyfriend also knows how much I love my long hair so he would never even consider asking me to consider cutting my hair. Not to mention he does like my hair long.

[earthdancer]

My husband first met me when I had long hair (BSL) but by the time we started dating years later, it was short (bad perm story). He doesn't prefer short hair on women, though, and I liked my hair long, as well, but I couldn't grow it until I found Fructis Long and Strong products, which stopped my hair from breaking off. I started growing it again happily, mostly for myself; it's a side-benefit that he likes it, too. Of course, the neighbors think I'm eccentric (what else is new?)

If my hair starts thinning a lot as I get older, I'm cutting it no matter what he thinks. Knock wood, though! I've always felt like a long-haired girl--I tell people I have a gypsy in my soul!

[Naava]

My husbands opinion definitely matters to me, but I wouldn't cut my hair short for him if I wouldn't want it. Hair is still just hair and should never be that big of a deal to him.

In reality we don't have that problem, my hair is now longer than it has ever been during our relationship and my DH is just happy abou me growing it (he used to have hip leght hair and he is growing his hair too).

[EvaSimone]

No I wouldn't. I would compromise though as long as he was willing to compromise about his hair or style. Basically if he didn't like long hair I might keep my hair at waist or hip instead of tailbone or classic. But I wouldn't chop it into a bob or anything.

My DF and I started dating when I had a chin length bob and I kept it like that for two years while we dated. I decided to start growing it out and it turned out that he loves my hair long even though he never really commented about my length or lack of length before. He is very encouraging about me growing my hair longer and keeping it long.

I guess I was pretty lucky that I have someone who appreciates my hair.

[Juneii]

psh, I used to be that idiotic. I dated this jerk who liked other girls while dating me. I got jealous and I tend not to think clearly when I'm jealous. All the girls he liked had shoulder length hair and I felt that my waist length hair was too long and tried to get it cut to shoulder. Luckily the hairstylist I went to refused to cut my hair shorter than bsl.
after that I promised myself that I will not change how I look to please someone other than myself. if my long hair bothers my S.O. so much then he can leave.

[Unicorn]

I can't imagine me doing that. I've had BF's make noises in that direction from time to time, my response has always been, when you take care of it on a daily basis you get to decide what happens to it.

Strangely enough, no one ever took me up on it the challenge...... :-)

Unicorn

[MadPirateBippy]

I second the "hell no". If he wants a short haired woman he can go find one.

Amen.

My husband would prefer that I have shorter hair. I have told him in no uncertain terms that was not happening, and now he's not cutting HIS hair because I like it long.

Soon there will be two longhairs in the family, if all goes well. :eyebrows:

[arabidbutterfly]

Since my husband shaves his head for me, I guess I should say that I would cut for him, but since he is excited about me growing it out, I don't think that will be an issue :)

[Jeni]

No, if I want it long/short/curly/straight/blond/purple/etc then that is what it will be. It honestly would not occur to me to ask his opinion unless I was trying to decided between 2 things, in the end I would do what ever the heck I want.

I have only had 1 bf who told me I could not to do something (get a piercing I wanted) because he didnt like it and I laughed so hard I almost wet myself. I went right out and got it done and then dumped his sorry butt.

Everyone has opinions and preferences and that's fine as long as they realize that its ultimately your opinion that really counts.

[oneKnight]

My husband likes the look of my hair long, and long braided. I don't know how he feels about bangs, I like them myself. I do know he likes my hair shortISH because it's easier for him to play with. I think he's afraid to touch it when it's long, and it doesn't help that his hands are rough.

Although he said it was "ok with him" when I had my hair SUPER short, he now (jokingly) says he will kick me out if I do it again. I take that to mean he doesn't like it THAT short. hehe

I do what I like within reason, and since he likes a pretty wide range of styles I can do pretty much whatever and still make him happy at the same time.

[manderly]

An awful lot of "hell nos" going on. :shrug:

My BF would never ask me to cut my hair. He really doesn't care how I have my hair, but everything I do I always ask his opinion, because he is my mate and I value and care about his opinion.

Before I do something new I ask him if he'd like it. He thought I'd look good with bangs. So did I. I would have hated cutting bangs without asking him first and discover he didn't like the way they looked on me. I always ask him what he thinks when I color my hair or do a new style. In my life there are exactly 2 people in the whole world that I care what I look like for. Me and him.

He used to get his hair cut very short on the sides, made him look like a "grunt" (Marine/Army guy) which I didn't like on him. It also uncovered a not-so-attractive mole over his ear. I told him a few times I liked his hair a tad bit longer, and what do you know? Over the years when he comes home from a haircut, I no longer see his scalp and mole on the sides :)

Being kind and respectful and generous about your partners likes is not a bad thing so long is it comes in the form of small compromises and not in the form of losing yourself completely to "please" him. Just because you "caught" him doesn't mean his opinion is meaningless anymore, I wish more women felt that way.

[Chanterelle]

It's the other way round for me, LOL. My DBF wants me to grow hair really long (tailbone or classic) and constantly encourages me not to trim it too often. I can't imagine myself with hair that long but as I'm barely BSL now I don't say anything.

[maria_asa]

I have a very hard time imagining that my BF would ask me to cut because, well, he just doesn't care about hair :shrug: and he knows how much it means to me.
If he would ask though I would need a very good explanation and I don't think I would go any shorter than BSL. I've had short(ish) hair for most of my life and it's just not me plus long hair is much easier.

[LittleOrca]

I keep my hair long because I like it long. My fiancee likes my long hair, so that is just a bonus. If he wanted me to cut it off I'd tell him to either get used to my long locks or go take a hike. :)

[SimplyLonghair]

Well my hair was short when I met my husband and bleached white blonde, O_O
and he still liked me,
he loved me when I went back to my natural color and
he loved me when I went redder and longer.

He just loved me.
He was great that way.
Now he is my own special angelhttp://www.freesmileys.org/smileys/smiley-angelic004.gif (http://www.freesmileys.org) and
I like to think that he is still cheering me on to great lengths!:D

[OhioLisa]

An awful lot of "hell nos" going on. :shrug:

My BF would never ask me to cut my hair. He really doesn't care how I have my hair, but everything I do I always ask his opinion, because he is my mate and I value and care about his opinion.

Before I do something new I ask him if he'd like it. He thought I'd look good with bangs. So did I. I would have hated cutting bangs without asking him first and discover he didn't like the way they looked on me. I always ask him what he thinks when I color my hair or do a new style. In my life there are exactly 2 people in the whole world that I care what I look like for. Me and him.

He used to get his hair cut very short on the sides, made him look like a "grunt" (Marine/Army guy) which I didn't like on him. It also uncovered a not-so-attractive mole over his ear. I told him a few times I liked his hair a tad bit longer, and what do you know? Over the years when he comes home from a haircut, I no longer see his scalp and mole on the sides :)

Being kind and respectful and generous about your partners likes is not a bad thing so long is it comes in the form of small compromises and not in the form of losing yourself completely to "please" him. Just because you "caught" him doesn't mean his opinion is meaningless anymore, I wish more women felt that way.

Amen, amen, amen, sista!

[KnightsLady]

I don't know that I would cut it to please him, as I've adapted myself to people over the years and never been very happy with the result. Still, I would probably ask for his opinion if I wanted to go shorter, just to make sure it didn't upset him too much.

[twilight_faerie]

No way. I dyed my hair black for some dude I briefly went out with and immediately hated it after we broke up. That's the last time I will ever change my hair for a man. It's MY HAIR.

[Nat242]

I had a long post typed out, but I think I'll just say this:

Considering your partner's feelings goes both ways - you could change to please him, but if he was considering *your* feelings, would he really want you to? :confused:

For example, I like my partner with a beard. However, I would never expect him to keep it just for me if it was bothering him or if he preferred to be/felt more confident clean-shaven. Maybe he'd do it to please me, but I'd feel awful that he was putting himself out and changing something about his appearance that he didn't want to just because I liked it.

[hanne jensen]

I'm growing my hair to please my DH. He didn't ask me to, he just said that he liked my hair better when it was longer. I really don't care if my hair is in a buzz cut or to the floor. So, I'm growing and for the first time in my life taking proper care of my hair so it will grow and not break off.
I don't mind trying to please my DH and he's been really supportive. It's DH who measures my hair, dusts my hair and hennas my hair. DH is more excited than I am over my hair growth.
After all, it's just hair-something on my head to keep too much body heat from escaping.

[rapunzhell13]

I had a long post typed out, but I think I'll just say this:

Considering your partner's feelings goes both ways - you could change to please him, but if he was considering *your* feelings, would he really want you to? :confused:

For example, I like my partner with a beard. However, I would never expect him to keep it just for me if it was bothering him or if he preferred to be/felt more confident clean-shaven. Maybe he'd do it to please me, but I'd feel awful that he was putting himself out and changing something about his appearance that he didn't want to just because I liked it.

I totally agree.

[Anje]

I value DH's opinions, though he keeps pretty quiet about my hair. Didn't say anything when I cut a foot off and it went to barely shoulder length. But I've recently learned that he likes tailbone on me best of all the lengths he's seen. And this is the longest mine has ever been.

For him, it's not a hard preference for long hair. He likes it when women wear their hair at a length that is flattering to that woman. Which works pretty well for everyone.

If I grow it longer and he decides he doesn't like it at, say, classic, I might consider cutting back to tailbone after giving him some time to get used to it. But that's because his opinion is largely based on what he thinks flatters me the most. He wears a beard partially because I think it looks great on him, but he shaves it off every few years, too, because he feels like it. There's a balance between what two people want in a relationship, and neither should compromise the other too badly.

[dearladydisdain]

My BF says I would look good with collar bone length hair (which I think is untrue) but he also says he loves my hair now. I would never do anything with my hair to please him...but on the other hand, I like him to keep his hair a certain length, so maybe I'm being hypocritical? ;)

[paper]

I did keep my hair long for a long time, when I had the urge to cut shorter. I knew my DH loved long hair. I did finally go really short for years. I am now growing my hair for me this time, and he's thrilled!

[mellie]

I've cut my hair for DH when it gets past mid-back, he really complains about it a lot because it's hard to deal with so much hair. It does kind of get hard to handle when it's much longer than that, so I don't mind cutting it for him.

[rhysiana]

On the other hand, the fact that my DH loves my hair long has prevented me from cutting on a whim a few times. :)


This is certainly what my DH is hoping for. The first time I ever cut my hair short was a few months before we started dating, and even though he was just my friend at the time, he nearly cried.* Fortunately for him, I've gotten over my short hair phase.

*He saw Crystal Gayle when her hair was still ankle-length dancing with Big Bird on Sesame Street back when he was very small, and it appears to have left an impression.

[ktani]

I sort of have. Several times. My DH has subtly made it known that my hair is stringy and thin when it's longer. It has taken me a long time to get to the point of deciding to grow anyway, but I have. But again...it did take a really long time.

He's not controlling or anything. I don't want to give that impression. I'm a little hyper-sensitive to criticism.

While I have not had an S. O. in my life be critical of my hair, I have had others years ago, tell me my hair looked stingy or thin and at those times, it was. I have since dealt with those issues and to me, it is what I like, in terms of hair length.

No one is going to determine what hair length suits me best except me.

However, with long hair, there are so many options, that if one likes, they can have the appearance of short hair, simply by wearing it up, certain ways.

[rags]

I don't know. My DH and I have been together 25 years next month, married 24. If he really, truly, hated my hair long and thought it was unattractive, I would cut it in a heartbeat. (With the caveat that I wouldn't go above the shoulders).

Fortunately, he is just the opposite, and we both love me with long hair. I had to cut it a couple of years ago due to the evil demon medications making it all fall out, and he has been nothing but supportive. But when it became obvious that I had gotten most of the regrowth I was going to get, he let me know he was ready for me to regrow it. And so was I, and so here I am!

I don't know - I love my hair long, but he is the one I want to be attractive to. If for some reason (which I can't even imagine) he hated it long, I think being attractive to him is more important to me. :shrug:

[Eireann]

My DH loves super long hair, which helps me to be patient while growing my hair out. I get lots of positive reinforcement! I think he would be happy if my hair were down to my knees, but I'm not sure I could manage longer than tailbone. I guess I have a few years before I find out!

[Nevermore]

My fiancee, Simone, loves my hair. However, I didn't start growing it for her nor do I keep it long for her. She supports me in my growing and prevents scissor happy moments, but that's because she loves me and knows how sad I'd be afterwards, not because she's the kind of person who would require/demand/strongly suggest that I keep my hair (or any other part of me) how she prefers.

I agree with others who said that people who love you won't make you/strongly suggest that you do something that won't make you happy as well. That's not compromising, that's controlling. And compromising on personal appearance on a long term basis isn't healthy in my opinion. It's one thing to look a certain way at work, but when you come home to your partner, you should be free to be yourself. If you can't be yourself around them then there's an issue, imo.

[Aisha25]

I second the "hell no". If he wants a short haired woman he can go find one.
:lol: I second this one;)

[RedThreads]

The only think I continue doing for the sake of my husband is the color of henna I use. I have considered changing to a different shade (or stopping all together) and he has made it clear that he would love me anyway, but he would not be happy. Since I am not unhappy with my red, I keep it because he likes it. As for length...My hair is mine. He knows that I will cut it or keep it long as it pleases me. He love my individuality and would never do anything to stop me from being who I want to be. I think that is what love is suppose to be.

[Torrin Paige]

It's funny. When we started dating my hair was waist length. Shortly before we married I cut it up to chin length (it was supposed to be BSL, but someone got a little scissor happy) and he told me I looked cute. When it was back down to around BSL he asked me to not cut it anymore. Of course, I just laughed and told him there was no way in hell I was going to cut it again...I love it long. So, he's supportive of me and whatever I want my hair to look like, but he made it known that he likes it long as do I. The funniest thing? Blonde hair is his least favorite color (he's into brunettes). I'd like to think I have changed his mind over the 12 years we've been together.

[kali_shey]

My ex-husband hated long hair so, naturally, I grew it long to annoy him. I'm quixotic like that. :rolleyes:

However, nobody should have to change for a significant other. You know, take the person as they are and etc. etc. etc.

[Pixna]

My husband married me when I was nearly bald and has already seen me through one grow-out to long. He was horrified with The Hair Massacre and misses my braid. I know that he loves ME (all of me) -- not just my outer appearance -- and I am grateful for that.

Of course, I always invite his opinion about my hair, since he has to look at it more than I do, and I trust and value his opinion. When my sister went through chemo, she lost all of her beautiful blond hair, which she has always worn long. Thank heavens her husband didn't marry her for her hair!!! I hope no one gets married for such a shallow reason. Virtually all of us will lose our youthful looks one of these days, so there better be something more substantial to our relationships than our appearance if they are to last.

[BeatlesFanGirl]

There's no way I'd cut my hair. Not for anyone. My ex wanted me to become blond, but I never did.

[lillerina]

If I even mention getting more than just a very slight trim he looks at me like a kicked puppy! No way he wants me to cut it, and I don't want to cut it either. Win-win situation.

If I was dating someone who tried to control the main way i exress myself, I would dtmfa, no doubt.

[catfish]

My man has said many times over the years that long or short, straight, frizzy, curly, up or down, braids or tails, he loves that my hair is never the same day to day.;) We've been together a long time, variety in my styles makes it fun.:D He's constantly changing his look up too, beard, mustache,goatee, short hair, long hair, he has even bleached it and has had a mohawk too.;)

I do plenty with my hair to please my man, fortunately with long hair I have many more options:eyebrows:

[Alaskanheart]

UH NO. Ive had my hair every length every color, style, and texture since weve been together. I dont think he prefers my hair to be long or short, because he never says anything about it. I do know that he hates it when I wear my silk sleep cap. I think if he tried to push me into wearing my hair a certain way I would do the opposite just because I dont like being told what to do.

[enfys]

I met my fiance through the internet, and the photos he saw were a bit old. I had tailbone/classic hair and no fringe. By the time we met it was BSL with a fringe. He still seemed to like me.

A while ago I asked him how long he'd like my hair to be, and he picked a point on the tape measure, 27" (my length). When I questioned it he said after he thought I wouldn't grow it past that for him. Infact he would prefer more like 32".
I suggested maybe more. His eyes lit up.

I cut his hair myself, and I'm always scared that he just lets me have my way, but he assures me he likes it as short as I cut it, and that I do a better job than professionals (recurring story isn't it...)

Funny that he grew up loving Princess Leia, and is going to marry a short, long haired brunette with a button nose...Maybe childhood influences are stronger than we think.

[scalawaggirl]

I've been on both sides of this. My last ex liked, well LOVED, long hair and when we got together, I was in my short phase. He wanted me to grow it out long and made it known but never pushed me hard to do it. I took it as a, "Yeah, I really should start growing it out now" thing but the fact that he liked it also gave me the nudge to go ahead (but that's all it was). I was influenced by the fact that I could please him by growing it out but finally came to understand that it didn't make much difference with him either way; thus the ex part.

My BF now also likes long hair and has commented on it but he would never say yay or nay to me doing something. I did ask him what he thought about me going red w/henna and he was very supportive saying I could do whatever made me happy so I did. I also cut fringe and he complimented me on it. Now, I'm keeping part of them and growing out the sides because they are too wide for my taste.

Mostly, he's just bemused by my long hair comments and whatever the latest thing I'm doing. Last night, it was Dairy Whip; tomorrow who knows? :)

Bottom line, though, is I grow my hair for me. If he's along for the ride, cool. If not, bye-bye.

[Islandgrrl]

I cut my hair for no one. My DH has never expressed a preference for my hair being either long or short. When I met him my hair was very short. And it's been everywhere between pixie and just about knee length since I met him. He's never complained (other than the occasional b*tch about vacuum cleaner maintenance) about the length or really even commented other than to tell me to do with it what I like.

So long it stays. Period.

[neon-dream]

No, my hair is for me to enjoy :D

[Gumball]

My hair's my hair. The SO likes me for me so whatever I do to my hair is just fine. Thankfully she loves my hair how it is so I win. If I was replying to the thread title itself, then I guess I'm my own man :p so my hair pleases me!

[RedStripe]

I'm not too big in general on maintaining/altering my appearance (hair style, clothes, makeup, or whatever) to please a man. I figure if someone is attracted to me, my choices in how I want to look are part of that package.

That said, my current SO is a longhair guy himself, so he's happy to see plenty of hair on me, as well.

[peachrose]

Not exactly. When I met my DH I had a chin length cut and I do remember him once saying in passing that he liked hair around APL... That kinda stuck with me but it's simply something I have always wanted to have but never thought it was possible or even worth it, given my hairs dry texture.

DH does love my long hair and I love when he mentions it but really it's for myself. The last couple years have been really profound for me and I feel like I am becoming the person I always wanted to be, slowly but surely. Having long hair is a part of that process and the longer it gets the more I cherish it and delight in caring for it.

[lora410]

No way in hell would I cut my hair if he ask. My exact response would probably be "um, I don't think so, I didn't work my ass off for the last 2 years to cut it off."

[Carolyn]

I wouldn't want to be with a man who wanted me to cut my hair.

[maunaloa]

My husband likes my hair long, but I have cut it before and he has been fine. Luckily, I am growing it out, so he is very happy. He is also supportive of my decision to not cover the white hairs that are profusely popping out everywhere. :cheese:

[manderly]

I'm really shocked at how protective so many of you are of your hair. I get this is a hair site, but I can't help but feel very, very sad when I see that you would throw away the love of your man/woman if he/she expressed a preference for your hair shorter.

This thread isn't about living with a SO who says cut your hair or else!!! It's about him stating an opinion and preference.

It's a bit harsh for those who are saying "he can find a short haired woman" and the like. I doubt your SO's are sitting on internet forums talking to their friends saying "if my woman doesn't cut her hair off and bleach it blonde, well then I'm going to get rid of her and find a woman who WILL!". You would find that behavior disrespectful. Well, pot, kettle.

[Carolyn]

I'm really shocked at how protective so many of you are of your hair. I get this is a hair site, but I can't help but feel very, very sad when I see that you would throw away the love of your man/woman if he/she expressed a preference for your hair shorter.

This thread isn't about living with a SO who says cut your hair or else!!! It's about him stating an opinion and preference.

It's a bit harsh for those who are saying "he can find a short haired woman" and the like. I doubt your SO's are sitting on internet forums talking to their friends saying "if my woman doesn't cut her hair off and bleach it blonde, well then I'm going to get rid of her and find a woman who WILL!". You would find that behavior disrespectful. Well, pot, kettle.OK since I'm the one who said "he can find a short haired woman" I'll explain further. I really do mean that. I'm just stating the facts from my point of view. If my hair length is an issue for him, then he can go ------- (you fill in the blank). If he asked me to cut my hair and I gave him the "hell no" answer and he didn't give it a rest and shut up about it, I'd be so done with him. My hair is a part of me and if he can't deal with it, then we don't have much do we? We'd have more issues than me not wanting to give up something that's very important to me just to please him. I'm not thrilled with some aspects of his appearance but I don't say anything. Maybe that does sound harsh but oh well :shrug: That's just how I am. I've never been a people pleaser or a subservient little wife and I don't see that changing. Please keep in mind I am talking only about me and Mr Cranky. I am not saying everyone should hold my views. If someone thinks I'm being disrepectful :confused: that's not my problem.

[HoneyMouse]

I'm really shocked at how protective so many of you are of your hair. I get this is a hair site, but I can't help but feel very, very sad when I see that you would throw away the love of your man/woman if he/she expressed a preference for your hair shorter.

This thread isn't about living with a SO who says cut your hair or else!!! It's about him stating an opinion and preference.

It's a bit harsh for those who are saying "he can find a short haired woman" and the like. I doubt your SO's are sitting on internet forums talking to their friends saying "if my woman doesn't cut her hair off and bleach it blonde, well then I'm going to get rid of her and find a woman who WILL!". You would find that behavior disrespectful. Well, pot, kettle.

I think those comments are tongue in cheek actually although the bleach blond dumping one might actually be true for some guys raised on a diet of playboy peroxides lol and wouldn't deserve any respect anyway.

An old bf of mine shaved his head I didn't like it but that wasn't why we broke up. To use that as a serious reason is silly. In his case the hair thing was a choice of shaved or balding in the middle and the hair itched me.

[Coriander]

DBF has always loved my long hair, and he loves it even more now that it's longer. He used to find anything longer than waist "creepy length" but thanks to my pointing out pictures of people on here with gorgeous classic hair he's excited to see how I would look with that - and he thinks it's a "very pretty, feminine length". :D

Other than that, I ditto the "hell no". It's my head.

[wintersun99]

I am just curious to know are there any ladies who keep their hair in a certain way to please their S.O.?
My DH likes my hair short (chin length) but I am not wanting to cut my hair (short is too much work). I want it long (BSL) for more styling options. So if your S.O. wanted you to cut your hair would you do it?

In this scenario, no. He's expressing a preference, but I don't read that he actually asked you to cut it and I wouldn't jump to that conclusion.

[LadyLongLocks]

We already talked about it. I will probably go to classic length in the future. Its a nice length and I always liked it. Its still very long. It would be about 40". Short enough not to sit on.
He is a true long hair lover and always wants me to have it long.I like the thought of having those thick blunt ends.

[JamieLeigh]

Absolutely not!! I keep my hair long because it pleases ME! I guess I have just been lucky that in every serious relationship I have ever had, there has been a guy who loves long hair.......or maybe that's why they were with me. LOL. :p

[Pullippanuru]

hrm... While i won't jump through hoops to please my so if he has a suggestion i like i may give it a try. it's just hair imo.

[DragonLady]

I'm really shocked at how protective so many of you are of your hair. I get this is a hair site, but I can't help but feel very, very sad when I see that you would throw away the love of your man/woman if he/she expressed a preference for your hair shorter.

This thread isn't about living with a SO who says cut your hair or else!!! It's about him stating an opinion and preference.

It's a bit harsh for those who are saying "he can find a short haired woman" and the like. I doubt your SO's are sitting on internet forums talking to their friends saying "if my woman doesn't cut her hair off and bleach it blonde, well then I'm going to get rid of her and find a woman who WILL!". You would find that behavior disrespectful. Well, pot, kettle.


"Oh, DL, I love you so much."

"Where did you get that hair? You should cut it."

"Why are you wearing that dress? Try this one."

"Those shoes just aren't right. Wear these."

"Lose the hat."

"Change the belt, and you'll be all set."



"You know, DL, I really don't know what happened. But, I just don't love you anymore."


Been there, done that. Changed almost my entire life for a jerk who just never was happy, and never was satisfied. I cut my hair, quit making clothes, gave up my garden, sold my perfume bottle collection.... And we broke up, anyway. Only after did I really realize just how controlling he was. He was subtle and he had a silver tongue, but he was still controlling and -really- nasty.

My DH now does tell me his preferences. But he would never tell me to cut or grow or change. Ever. I happen to know he loves short, red hair. I have long, brown hair. He deals. I happen to love blue-eyed blondes. He's a green-eyed brunette. I love him. And I will never, ever, try to tell him what to do with his hair, clothes, or anything else. It just isn't a part of a loving relationship. We'll either continue to love each other "as is" or let each other go.

[Jessaka]

My boyfriend loves my long hair. But yeah, I wouldn't chop it all off to like a boy cut or anything for him even if he wanted it. I am a hair person, can't deal with no hair.

[manderly]

"Oh, DL, I love you so much."

"Where did you get that hair? You should cut it."

"Why are you wearing that dress? Try this one."

"Those shoes just aren't right. Wear these."

"Lose the hat."

"Change the belt, and you'll be all set."



"You know, DL, I really don't know what happened. But, I just don't love you anymore."


Been there, done that. Changed almost my entire life for a jerk who just never was happy, and never was satisfied. I cut my hair, quit making clothes, gave up my garden, sold my perfume bottle collection.... And we broke up, anyway. Only after did I really realize just how controlling he was. He was subtle and he had a silver tongue, but he was still controlling and -really- nasty.

My DH now does tell me his preferences. But he would never tell me to cut or grow or change. Ever. I happen to know he loves short, red hair. I have long, brown hair. He deals. I happen to love blue-eyed blondes. He's a green-eyed brunette. I love him. And I will never, ever, try to tell him what to do with his hair, clothes, or anything else. It just isn't a part of a loving relationship. We'll either continue to love each other "as is" or let each other go.

I understand, but that wasn't really the point I was trying to make. Being told what to change about yourself all the time isn't really what I perceive to be going on here.

Having your BF say "I think you would look fantastic with your hair like this" is not really the same thing. If he was saying "you SHOULD cut your hair like this" and insinuating that he would somehow not want to be with you anymore if you chose not to obey his wishes, well that's an abnormal and controlling relationship.

I know my BF will love ME, not matter what I change or don't change. I'm carrying an extra 60 lbs right now. I know he doesn't like it (nor do I) and wishes that I would do something more about it, but he still tells me every day how much he loves me and he's not telling me he will leave me if I don't lose weight and I'm not telling him that if he wants a skinny girl he should go and find one!

:flower:

[Carolyn]

I am just curious to know are there any ladies who keep their hair in a certain way to please their S.O.?
My DH likes my hair short (chin length) but I am not wanting to cut my hair (short is too much work). I want it long (BSL) for more styling options.
So if your S.O. wanted you to cut your hair would you do it?Actually this is what the OP asked. I've bolded it and colored it red. She is not asking what would you do if your SO suggested a change. She is asking what if the SO wanted you to cut. So yeah I thought I did answer her question.


ETA Perhaps we see the question very differently.

[manderly]

[/b]Actually this is what the OP asked. I've bolded it and colored it red. She is not asking what would you do if your SO suggested a change. She is asking what if the SO wanted you to cut. So yeah I thought I did answer her question.
[/color][/size]

ETA Perhaps we see the question very differently.

That wasn't really necessary, I can read. Apparently we are seeing the question differently.

Let me show you what I read:


I am just curious to know are there any ladies who keep their hair in a certain way to please their S.O.?
My DH likes my hair short (chin length) but I am not wanting to cut my hair (short is too much work). I want it long (BSL) for more styling options.
So if your S.O. wanted you to cut your hair would you do it?

Perhaps where we are running into a difference of opinion is in the word "WANTED". Wanted is often used in place of the word "asked" or "desired" or "wished". Wanted is a much stronger word, but not always accurate.

Of course, if the OP's question was specifically "If your SO told you to cut your hair, would you do it?" Then my answer would be no, most likely. If she was a little more specific with her question like "If your SO told you he liked you with hair xx length and asked you to cut it to that again, would you?".

Words are important.

[turtlelover]

My husband isn't a hair guy. He could care less that I'm growing my hair out now!!! Most guys I dated LOVED my hair when it was long, but their are certainly exceptions.

[AutumnSky]

Nope. Fortunately, not an issue in our house....He prefers it long, and so do I.
(He also doesn't believe that a woman can have too many shoes....I may have found the perfect man....)

[Jeni]

Yea I think the problem is a lot of us are seeing the question as: Your SO wants you to do _____, but your not really wanting to, would you do it to please them? If you look at it that way a lot of people are going to have the "hell no" reaction.

If you think about it as: You know your SO likes ____ and your trying to figure out what to do with your hair and you know you want a change/you don't can if it changes then would you cut/color/curl/grow/etc how your SO wants it? In that case the answer has a better chance (IMO) of being "sure why not"

I read the question as being more like my first example. I'm all for listening to people's opinion but it is my decision in the end, if they cant deal with that then oh well.

[Carolyn]

That wasn't really necessary, I can read. Apparently we are seeing the question differently.

Let me show you what I read:



Perhaps where we are running into a difference of opinion is in the word "WANTED". Wanted is often used in place of the word "asked" or "desired" or "wished". Wanted is a much stronger word, but not always accurate.

Of course, if the OP's question was specifically "If your SO told you to cut your hair, would you do it?" Then my answer would be no, most likely. If she was a little more specific with her question like "If your SO told you he liked you with hair xx length and asked you to cut it to that again, would you?".

Words are important.I am sorry I got the font a little big. I didn't mean to do that. That was a mistake. But yes I thought the bold and red was necessary. I was going by the word "wanted". To me that means the SO was asking/requesting/or maybe telling her to cut her hair. We can only go by her orginal post. She has not added any more information. I am looking at her question from my perspective of what if Mr Cranky wanted/asked/requested/told me to cut my hair. My reply would still be "hell no. Go find yourself a short haired woman if you want one". That would be my nice reply. I can't say here what the next part would be :twisted: Those words get ****'s :gabigrin: Some people might consider that harsh :shrug: In answering the OP's question THE WAY I READ IT, that's what I would say. Lucky for Mr Cranky he isn't into hair :cheese:

[marla]

I think it's selfish and creepy for a guy to urge a girl to change her hair for him if she doesn't like it that way.

[chelssix]

I think it depends. I wouldn't style my hair soley for someone else, but I think that if I were involved with someone who maybe was not crazy about long hair, but was utterly disgusted by hair that was long enough to sit on, I wouldn't grow my hair that long.
Keep in mind, this would not be for someone I wasn't totally committed to.

[RancheroTheBee]

I can't imagine my boyfriend asking me to cut my hair, since he's so supportive about my growing my hair out. He even hid my scissors when I asked him to. :grin: When I asked him if he'd ever find a certain length weird, he just replied, "I thought you were just growing it until it stopped." It was cute. That said, if he asked me to cut it, I'd likely decline the request. But he knows that this is important to me, so he makes a bad example. Hahaha.

Otherwise, I had a guy tell me to do the opposite once; I got my hair cut, and he said he hated it and told me to grow it out. I told him to shove it, and cut it shorter just to spite him. (Let's say I'm much happier with my current BF.)

[vindo]

It depends...my husband likes long hair for sure but if he would not like ultra long I might consider waist or so.
But that only if he really, really, really would not like my hair longer.

But I am more for selling it to my husband, men often don't know what they like and are easy to influence. In the past 2 years I have made my husband a long hair man :lol:

[manderly]

Emichiee, I just wanted to say your new avatar is gorgeous :)

[Heavenly Locks]

I have to say that my husbands opinion is very important to me. If he really like something I do my best to accommodate him or compromise until we are both happy :) I have to say that his opinions of hair that is 'too long' has influenced my ultimate decision on my goal length. When I make it to hip, we can re-evaluate. I mean, he might like it so much that he's ok with it longer.

However, if he asked me to cut it 'short' (above BSL) and I didn't want to do that...it would be a long night of talking until I won. :p

[Nat242]

Manderly, I *would* be concerned about my relationship if my partner wanted me to drastically change my hair for his preference, knowing that I've never had long hair before, that I enjoy having it, and that it makes me feel beautiful.

My partner would prefer me to do what makes me feel beautiful, as opposed to doing something that makes me feel *less* beautiful to please him, because he puts my happiness above aesthetics.

In kind, I would never expect him to keep his beard if he didn't want to (even though I think the beard suits him more). Perhaps he would find keeping his beard inconvenient, perhaps it made him feel less attractive, or less confident. Perhaps his beard was a lot of maintenance that took up too much time. Perhaps he felt it never looked or felt "right". Why would I want to put him through that? Seems a bit selfish to me.

If my partner *really* preferred short hair, or blondes, I'd buy a wig to wear in the bedroom from time to time. If that wasn't enough, I would be very concerned about our relationship.

[manderly]

Manderly, I *would* be concerned about my relationship if my partner wanted me to drastically change my hair for his preference, knowing that I've never had long hair before, that I enjoy having it, and that it makes me feel beautiful.

My partner would prefer me to do what makes me feel beautiful, as opposed to doing something that makes me feel *less* beautiful to please him, because he puts my happiness above aesthetics.

In kind, I would never expect him to keep his beard if he didn't want to (even though I think the beard suits him more). Perhaps he would find keeping his beard inconvenient, perhaps it made him feel less attractive, or less confident. Perhaps his beard was a lot of maintenance that took up too much time. Perhaps he felt it never looked or felt "right". Why would I want to put him through that? Seems a bit selfish to me.

If my partner *really* preferred short hair, or blondes, I'd buy a wig to wear in the bedroom from time to time. If that wasn't enough, I would be very concerned about our relationship.


And Nat242, I completely understand and agree with that assessment.

It's the "hell nos" and "he can find another woman" and "I'll be damned if I cut a hair on my head to please him" and other similar responses that I was cringing at. It showed a refusal to have any kind of discourse or compromise within a relationship. It's my way or the highway. When did women get so......mean?

I don't believe that if the OP discussed with her SO how deeply she loved having long hair that he would still press the issue. It seemed to me like a whim decision and a general question asked of the board.

I appreciate and value my BF's opinion. Would I dye my hair blonde for him? Nope (I would look stupid). Would I throw away our relationship because he asked me? Well, that would be as silly as him throwing away our relationship because I didn't dye my hair blonde.

When it all boils down to it, most of the world outside LHC views hair as....well......hair. Something to be cut, dyed, permed, straightened, and changed at every whim. It's something that grows back all the time and can be altered endlessly. Most people do not feel the love and passion that we here have for our hair, and I think our responses to these types of threads don't take that into consideration. We come from our very biased and protective ideas about our hair. It's a lifestyle for us :)

Thank you again for your always thoughtful responses Nat :flower:

[Nat242]

Manderly :flowers:

[GlebeGirl]

When it all boils down to it, most of the world outside LHC views hair as....well......hair. Something to be cut, dyed, permed, straightened, and changed at every whim. It's something that grows back all the time and can be altered endlessly. Most people do not feel the love and passion that we here have for our hair, and I think our responses to these types of threads don't take that into consideration. We come from our very biased and protective ideas about our hair. It's a lifestyle for us :)

I think this paragraph is your own answer. The original question was asked in a forum about hair, to a group of people that obviously care about their hair more than your average person. It should come as no surprise that there would be a more vehement response than if the same question were asked in a forum about beekeeping or basket weaving. Plus, for the great majority here we're with people who also know that we're more than a little protective about our hair choices.

My SO reacted very strongly to me getting a septum piercing. I'd wanted one for a very long time, had talked about it a lot, had heard his opinion that facial piercings weren't something that he found attractive. In the end it was something that *I* wanted and I wanted it for myself, not to make myself more or less attractive for anyone else.

He balked when I first showed it to him, even got a little upset. I said that it was something that made me really happy and that I'd thought about it for long enough that I knew the urge wasn't just going to disappear. He got over it, and got to the point where he didn't even notice it any more. It turned out that he loves me, not my fashion choices. And he told me so. I eventually took it out and even though I think about putting it back in from time to time it's really a non-issue. He even said recently that if I missed having it I should put it back in.

Since he doesn't seem to care how long my hair is I can't really use hair as an example, but I do have to say I come in on the side of the 'hell-no' crowd. There are aesthetic choices that my SO makes that drive me nuts (Hawaiian shirts to a party? REALLY?), but I sure as heck love the man more than the packaging and I know he feels the same way about me.

[fairydust]

I wouldn't do anything to my hair that I didn't want to do. That being said, if my DH suggested that I cut my hair/grow it longer, and I agreed with him based on my own assesment, then yes, I would do as he "wanted". THAT being said, my DH rarely requires or wants me to look a certain way. He gives suggestions and/or opinions if I ask him, but other than that...he likes me for the person that I am, and not my appearance.

[manderly]

I think this paragraph is your own answer. The original question was asked in a forum about hair, to a group of people that obviously care about their hair more than your average person. It should come as no surprise that there would be a more vehement response than if the same question were asked in a forum about beekeeping or basket weaving. Plus, for the great majority here we're with people who also know that we're more than a little protective about our hair choices

I didn't ask a question ;) Of course we have a skewed opinion about anything hair related. But we can't allow ourselves to become insulated in our little LHC hair bubble. Occasionally we have to remember what those kooky non-LHCers think and realize that we aren't all on the same wavelength.

It's not like he told her to get a boob-job or anything. :D


And you validated the point that I was trying to make earlier. You got a piercing your BF didn't like, he stuck around, he still loved you. It was just a piercing, it didn't affect how he ultimately felt about you. And you eventually removed it on your own. What keeps you from putting it back in? Is there a part of you, deep down, that thinks to yourself that he doesn't really like it for whatever reason so you don't wear it?

If the OP cuts or not, ultimately he will still love her and be with her. That's in stark contrast to the responses that were coming from this forum, women saying that it's controlling and she should dump his butt for wanting her to cut her hair. It was a little over the top. This was really the only point I have been trying to make :flower:

[Katze]

I wear my hair to please myself. When I am happy with it, BF is happy because he says I am beautiful when I am happy. :)

Yesterday I braided in some dark blue extensions and he was really amused. I think it wasn't really his thing, but he was so entertained at how much fun it was for me that he actually could get excited about them. He made a comment this morning like 'you know they do kind of look good!' He thinks my hair obession is really strange, but likes how it makes me happy.

Also, BF does not like my tattoos particularly, but they are part of me. He sometimes kisses them.

I wish he would trim his beard more tidily, cut his 'Lucifer' super long scary eyebrow hairs, and comb his hair. When we are going out, or before a special event, he does these things to please me, and I otherwise don't bother him about them even when they drive me nuts. To me, that's part of the compromise. He is happy with a beard that looks like it's growing down his neck, a monobrow, and rolled-out-of-bed hair, and I have to accept this and love him, because he is my sweetie.

[HoneyMouse]

When I was in college there was a swiss guy with yummy long blond hair. about 4 months into the course he cut it short and I never forgave him.

[GlebeGirl]

I didn't ask a question ;)

It was this I was replying to (bolding mine):


It's the "hell nos" and "he can find another woman" and "I'll be damned if I cut a hair on my head to please him" and other similar responses that I was cringing at. It showed a refusal to have any kind of discourse or compromise within a relationship. It's my way or the highway. When did women get so......mean?



You got a piercing your BF didn't like, he stuck around, he still loved you. It was just a piercing, it didn't affect how he ultimately felt about you. And you eventually removed it on your own. What keeps you from putting it back in? Is there a part of you, deep down, that thinks to yourself that he doesn't really like it for whatever reason so you don't wear it?

What keeps me from putting it back in? The fact that I kept irritating it with knocking it around too much when I wash my face. I looked HAWT with that thing in. The fact that he has enough respect for me to accept my choices about my personal appearance is truly important, and I think it would indicate a lack of self-respect for myself if I changed something cosmetic that I like because I thought on some level he wouldn't approve. I think he'd respect me less if I was trying to curry his favour with molding myself into what I think he wants me to look like.

I know where you're coming from, believe me. I used to worry a lot more about it (not with my current SO) but I think that once you're a few years into a relationship that kind of stuff isn't the most important thing. In fact, it's often stuff that should have been make or break in the beginning if it's going to be an issue at all.

[manderly]

I know where you're coming from, believe me. I used to worry a lot more about it (not with my current SO) but I think that once you're a few years into a relationship that kind of stuff isn't the most important thing. In fact, it's often stuff that should have been make or break in the beginning if it's going to be an issue at all.

7 years with my BF and I don't curry his favor :) That doesn't mean I still don't value how he sees me. It's not about kowtowing to his every whim, it's about give and take to please eachother. :flower:

I'm glad you've found your soulmate :D

[SHELIAANN1969]

I grew my hair for me. When I first met my hubs, I was in the process of growing my hair, but it was around shoulder length. It was also my natural color - dark blonde.

I grew and grew and decided I wanted to be a henna head, hubs wasn't happy, I was like, "I love you but it's MY hair!"

He now says he loves the henna, he is actually the one who puts it on for me, but I will do what I want with my hair, it makes me happy, if it makes him happy that's a bonus but not the main factor in what I do with my tresses.

:flower:

ETA: to answer the first question HELL BUT NO!, I would NOT cut my hair for anyone, no way, no how, no way! ack!

[Carolyn]

It's the "hell nos" and "he can find another woman" and "I'll be damned if I cut a hair on my head to please him" and other similar responses that I was cringing at. It showed a refusal to have any kind of discourse or compromise within a relationship. It's my way or the highway. When did women get so......mean?
Speaking only from my own perspective, I don't see my original response to the OP as mean at all. I see it as standing up for myself, for who I am, and for what is important to me. I would refuse to compromise on a hair length issue. For that it would be my way or the highway. And if it did come down to that then (as I've said before) there are much bigger issues between us. Hair could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. So, "mean"? No, I just don't see it that way. I see being able standing up for myself and things that are important to me as a very admirable trait. In a man that's usually seen as a good thing. Men are admired for having the balls to stand up for themselves. If it's a woman doing the same thing, then she is seen as mean and bitchy. Does that make me a mean bitch? :D Some would probably say so :shrug: I see it as being my own person, knowing my own mind, and standing up for myself. It's taken me years of self discovery to come to this point and I am very proud of leaving the subservient little doormat that I once was behind.

[auburnlocks]

Forgive me if I’m wrong, but don’t men generally prefer long hair anyway? My hubby doesn’t make a fuss either way, but once and a while he’ll see a woman with a really short hair cut and comment about how he thinks it’s a little too masculine. I would guess that guys like to know a woman is a woman from any angle. (I choose NOT to go into why this is. LOL)

[Naluin]

At the moment, I'm not cutting my hair because of DBF.

Having decided to grow out the hair I chemically straightened, I want to cut it all off now! I've wanted to cut for a few weeks, but DBF would not appreciate the buzzcut. I'm trying to think of an alternate strategy to grow out the relaxed hair.

So, yes, I do take into consideration his opinion when deciding what to do with my hair, but my preferences and long term goals for my hair usually determine what I so with my hair.

[DragonLady]

When did women get so......mean?

I think it was after several thousand years of being chattel. Over the centuries we've been property to be bought and sold like cattle. We've been forced to hide ourselves in head-to-toe drapery. We weren't considered smart enough for careers requiring anything more difficult than cleaning the toilet or scrubbing the floors. We weren't taught to read. We weren't allowed to know anything about politics or business. We weren't allowed to own our own property. We were burned alive if we rebelled or had any ideas of our own. Men decided who and what we were and could be, and then they enforced their decisions with their fists.

Now, we're taking back our own power. And "Hell, no" is our first line of defence against going back to the parlors to spend our days in servitude to a household run by a man who honestly believes that penises rule the world.

We've come a long way since those days; but we can go back as individuals and find ourselves "barefoot and pregnant" for the rest of our days just by slacking off and letting some man somewhere convince us that we'd be so much cuter, or sweeter, or nicer if we'd just give up our silly notions of self-image and self-reliance.

[Kleis]

I just don't think it's mean to be true to oneself. :shrug: If it's "only hair," especially. A partner who disliked something about me that gives me such pleasure would, I hope, make the sacrifice to put up with it instead of doing the, "I love you, you're perfect, now change."

Besides, I've had my hair 20 years. No partner has come anywhere NEAR that. I wouldn't consider this nearly as bad as a guy I'm dating asking me to get rid of the cats, but I would find someone who started asking things like this from me to be incompatible.

I'm far more open to bringing things and new experiences INTO my life than dismissing things and experiences that I have integrated into my life, unless I was heading that way already.


ETA: But I think overreacting to a casual suggestion could be done in a mean fashion. :twocents:

[getoffmyskittle]

When did women get so......mean?

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/how_it_works.png (http://www.xkcd.com/385/)

[twilight]

to dragonlady: :cheer:

DH and i were friends the last time my hair was around hip-length, then i chopped it all off and we got together shortly afterwards... he used to tell me (when it was still short) that i was "different" with short hair. he perceived me as being spunkier and fiestier as a shortie. thus, he liked the idea of me growing it all back out. :P

i was kind of annoyed by the comments when he made them years ago, but i realize he was just trying to say the same thing i always say: i am more "me" with long hair. it's true.

so he prefers my hair long and i prefer my hair long, which works out nicely. but if he decides one day he thinks i should cut it off, he will be disappointed with my reaction. *points and laughs at imaginary DH in her head*

[Tap Dancer]

No, I would not cut/grow/dye my hair to please a man. Accept me the way I am. I have a right to do anything to my body that I choose.

I briefly dated a guy about 9 years ago who always said things like, "Your hair would look better longer," "You should get a tan," and "I think you should grow your nails." I got angry after a while (and I never took his stupid suggestions). I started to feel picked on. It's like, why even date me if you don't like anything about my appearance? He didn't like it when I started pointing out his flaws. I told him how his hair would look better and what clothes would be more stylish. ;)

If I'm going to change something about myself to please you, YOU are going to change something to please me. It's only fair.

[Pixna]

I think it was after several thousand years of being chattel. Over the centuries we've been property to be bought and sold like cattle. We've been forced to hide ourselves in head-to-toe drapery. We weren't considered smart enough for careers requiring anything more difficult than cleaning the toilet or scrubbing the floors. We weren't taught to read. We weren't allowed to know anything about politics or business. We weren't allowed to own our own property. We were burned alive if we rebelled or had any ideas of our own. Men decided who and what we were and could be, and then they enforced their decisions with their fists.

Now, we're taking back our own power. And "Hell, no" is our first line of defence against going back to the parlors to spend our days in servitude to a household run by a man who honestly believes that penises rule the world.

We've come a long way since those days; but we can go back as individuals and find ourselves "barefoot and pregnant" for the rest of our days just by slacking off and letting some man somewhere convince us that we'd be so much cuter, or sweeter, or nicer if we'd just give up our silly notions of self-image and self-reliance.

:beerchug: :beerchug: :beerchug:

[rags]

Wow, I guess I am just way more old fashioned than I realized. I simply can't imagine him telling me to "cut it off or else". But he would certainly say " I don't like your hair that long. I would prefer that you cut it to such and such a length."
I would ask him why, we would talk about it, and most likely I would be getting a haircut. :shrug:

How can I be so sure? Well, he has done the opposite just recently; told me he wanted it grown back out. I wanted to wait and see if it would thicken up any more; he wanted my long hair back. Result: I'm growing it.

His preferences are extremely important to me. After all, what's the good of me thinking I look gorgeous if he doesn't think so? (no, I don't wear clothing he doesn't like either). Are there limits? Probably not for hair. I have even contemplated shaving my head myself before, so I can't imagine a length he'd want that I would balk at.

I don't know. In the long run, I just think compromising is the name of the game. He knows I adore his beard. He's not the fondest of wearing one all the time; but he'll wear it for a while and then shave for a while. Compromise.

Some of the answers sound mean to me too. :shrug:
But maybe I'm just from a different generation?

[jeniffer]

My ex boyfreind used to love my hair! I think he would be the one that would of have gotten mad if I came home on day with it cut to my shoulders. I used to joke about it, but he never liked that. Also there we times that I really wanted to cut it off, you know, the bad hair days...But he would alway be there to make sure I didn't do anything drastic. Now I left him and I have to say I'm really happy with my hair and can't even think of cutting it. If I would get a new man in my life and he didn't like the length I'm not sure what I would do. I think he should respect me for who I am, that includes my hair. On the other hand, I also like to please a man, just like I like him to please me. So then again, not sure. Maybe we would compromise...so let's say, go bra length? Dang....What am I saying here! I love my hair! haha. But it is true, isn't it? Guys can make you do crazy things when you're in love!

[manderly]

Well I can see that I'm just beating a dead horse here, and apparently what I say is not something that wants to be heard, so I will gracefully bow out of this thread.

I leave you with this:

When Wesley (of The Princess Bride), says to his love "As you wish", women everywhere swoon. If a woman reciprocates with "As you wish", she is weak. :shrug:

And with that....*poof*

[redbark]

I leave you with this:

When Wesley (of The Princess Bride), says to his love "As you wish", women everywhere swoon. If a woman reciprocates with "As you wish", she is weak. :shrug:

And with that....*poof*

There is a world of difference between whispering romantic nothings and going through them with a rigor applied to every spoken word.

If Wesley had told the princess bride "I would cut my right arm before I let a tear fall from your beautiful eyes"...women everywhere would swoon.'

Would he really , literally cut his arm if she were to shed a wee tear .... women again would swoon ...

...but more from nausea ...I bet!

More to the point : In the princess bride setting if she were to have said "Your every wish is my command, melord" ...a lot of romantic hearts would go aflutter...

That is not to say it should be taken literally. Certainly not in today's world!

[Pixna]

I believe our bodies are our own -- no one should control anyone else's body, no matter what. But I also respect and trust my husband's opinion, even if we don't always agree. He has always had a beard, and when we first met, it was fairly long. I have always loved a long, bushy beard. He likes it neat and tidy, and as he's gotten older, the beard has gotten shorter and shorter. I asked him to grow it long, and did do that for me last year, just to see how he felt about it. But he didn't like it, even though I did, so it went short again. His vote trumps mine when it comes to his body, and my vote trumps his when it comes to my body. I feel that is exactly the way it should be.

In a healthy relationship, no one would demand that the other do something he/she doesn't want to. And anyone who is emotionally healthy would not do something for his/her partner that he/she didn't truly want to do in the first place.

[Kleis]

Well I can see that I'm just beating a dead horse here, and apparently what I say is not something that wants to be heard, so I will gracefully bow out of this thread.

I leave you with this:

When Wesley (of The Princess Bride), says to his love "As you wish", women everywhere swoon. If a woman reciprocates with "As you wish", she is weak. :shrug:

And with that....*poof*


People are disagreeing with you, not "not hearing."

A partner may not like my thigh length hair, but that doesn't mean I cut off 20 years of growth to please him. I might feel differently if it were much shorter, or less of a time commitment to grow back. :twocents:

Westley, feh. (http://xkcd.com/549/) :lol:

[OhioLisa]

Well I can see that I'm just beating a dead horse here, and apparently what I say is not something that wants to be heard, so I will gracefully bow out of this thread.

I leave you with this:

When Wesley (of The Princess Bride), says to his love "As you wish", women everywhere swoon. If a woman reciprocates with "As you wish", she is weak. :shrug:

And with that....*poof*


Agreed. And it is this double standard that sickens me.

[Kleis]

Agreed. And it is this double standard that sickens me.

But just because a woman doesn't want to cut off her hair doesn't mean she doesn't compromise or work with the relationship in other, possibly far more important ways. :shrug:

[OhioLisa]

In a healthy relationship, no one would demand that the other do something he/she doesn't want to. And anyone who is emotionally healthy would not do something for his/her partner that he/she didn't truly want to do in the first place.

Ahh, but demand was not the word used by the OP.

Furthermore, in a healthy relationship, you put others' feelings above your own. Many people refuse to do so. And what is the divorce rate these days? A correlation, it seems to me.

[Pixna]

Ahh, but demand was not the word used by the OP.

Furthermore, in a healthy relationship, you put others' feelings above your own. Many people refuse to do so. And what is the divorce rate these days? A correlation, it seems to me.

Maybe. Maybe not. I've been married for over 30 years. We don't put either's feelings above our own. We talk. We listen. We compromise. We would never ask the other to do something we know he/she doesn't want to do, especially when it comes to one's body.

[wintersun99]

Wow, I guess I am just way more old fashioned than I realized. I simply can't imagine him telling me to "cut it off or else". But he would certainly say " I don't like your hair that long. I would prefer that you cut it to such and such a length."
I would ask him why, we would talk about it, and most likely I would be getting a haircut. :shrug:

How can I be so sure? Well, he has done the opposite just recently; told me he wanted it grown back out. I wanted to wait and see if it would thicken up any more; he wanted my long hair back. Result: I'm growing it.

His preferences are extremely important to me. After all, what's the good of me thinking I look gorgeous if he doesn't think so? (no, I don't wear clothing he doesn't like either). Are there limits? Probably not for hair. I have even contemplated shaving my head myself before, so I can't imagine a length he'd want that I would balk at.

I don't know. In the long run, I just think compromising is the name of the game. He knows I adore his beard. He's not the fondest of wearing one all the time; but he'll wear it for a while and then shave for a while. Compromise.

Some of the answers sound mean to me too. :shrug:
But maybe I'm just from a different generation?

I don't think you're alone here, I agree with everything you wrote and would probably act very much the same way. Relationships are about communication and compromise and of course, pleasing yourself, but also pleasing your S.O. I may not do something just because a preference was voiced, but I would certainly not dismiss it out of hand. :)

[GlebeGirl]

Furthermore, in a healthy relationship, you put others' feelings above your own. Many people refuse to do so. And what is the divorce rate these days? A correlation, it seems to me.

(Bolding mine.)

I don't agree with that statement. Putting others' feelings above your own means suppressing your own desires and emotions. How is that healthy? I think that in a healthy relationship both partners listen to each others' feelings and respect them, not place greater importance on those of the other in pursuit of a romantic ideal.

J decided that if my having a septum piercing was important to me then it was important for me to have it. He could have insisted that I place his feelings above mine so that there wouldn't be friction from his point of view, but he has more respect for me as a person than that!

I hate that he uses a handkerchief rather than disposable tissues. I really, really hate it but it's important to him, so I deal with it rather than try to make him change something that he wants. That could be seen as me putting his feelings above mine, yes, but to me it's more a realization that some things are not important enough to need to change, and things like hair length or septum piercings or boogery rags just aren't.

I think that's where the HELL NO responses are coming from. Not meanness, not selfishness, but from a place of self-respect and individuality that is important to many who have had to sublimate pieces of themselves in the past for someone and found it to be unacceptable.

[Nat242]

Ahh, but demand was not the word used by the OP.

Furthermore, in a healthy relationship, you put others' feelings above your own. Many people refuse to do so. And what is the divorce rate these days? A correlation, it seems to me.

Ohio Lisa, did you read my posts? This is a long thread, so I'll repeat my point.

My partner requesting something of me that goes against what he knows I like and want and makes me happy, would be him putting his feelings above mine. It would be him placing his aesthetic preference above what he knows makes me happy.

How is that putting his partner's feelings first?

ETA: I do agree with Glebe Girl's point, for the record, in that pleasing my partner no matter how much it might hurt me is not my definition of a healthy relationship. In my example here, I'm just pointing out the discrepancy in the, "you should please your man even if it displeases you" logic.

[Kleis]

I don't think you're alone here, I agree with everything you wrote and would probably act very much the same way. Relationships are about communication and compromise and of course, pleasing yourself, but also pleasing your S.O. I may not do something just because a preference was voiced, but I would certainly not dismiss it out of hand. :)

But, WS, unless I'm mistaken, you've already cut your hair very short. And Rags' hair doesn't look that long, either. It think the correlation in this hypothetical instance (i.e., haircutting) is that the people who are more on the pro side have less of an investment of time already spent. :shrug:

OhioLisa's hair is quite long, on the other hand.

I think that dismissing the women who would not do this as not being about communication or compromise--not directed at YOU, but in general--are missing all the areas in which communication and compromise are happening. Communicating about children, careers, living location, medical issues, parent issues, education, finances, retirement...if you can work out all these, what's a little hair.

If my partner decided he was not attracted to me with long hair, chances are he'd not be attracted to me with short hair, too. AND it places the attraction in what is, to me, a very odd place. If I'm attracted to someone, it's because I like who they are. Hair? If a person is attractive, they could be (and have been) bald. I'm not going to insist a partner get hair plugs if he loses it, after all.

[vindo]

Emichiee, I just wanted to say your new avatar is gorgeous :)

Thank you, that was just after my monthly trim :)

[OhioLisa]

Ohio Lisa, did you read my posts? This is a long thread, so I'll repeat my point.

My partner requesting something of me that goes against what he knows I like and want and makes me happy, would be him putting his feelings above mine. It would be him placing his aesthetic preference above what he knows makes me happy.

How is that putting his partner's feelings first?

ETA: I do agree with Glebe Girl's point, for the record, in that pleasing my partner no matter how much it might hurt me is not my definition of a healthy relationship. In my example here, I'm just pointing out the discrepancy in the, "you should please your man even if it displeases you" logic.

It goes both ways. If he knows it truly means more to you in the first place, he shouldn't even ask. However, if it means more to him than it does to you, then yes, I think making him happy should take precedence. Discussion is a very under-utilized tool in such cases.

Would I make a sacrifice of something for my man if he asked me? In a heartbeat. Does his happiness mean more to me than my own? You bet.

[wintersun99]

Kleis...

No, I'm not missing the point and I think I'm actually in agreement with BOTH sides. My point is that I would NOT dismiss (out of hand) a preference that someone else has. I also said that I would listen and discuss BOTH preferences (mine and his). I NEVER said that I would do something simply because of someone else's preference IF it was something I didn't want to do. I never condemned anyone else's choice of an emphatic "no"... I don't think that my having recently cut my hair has anything to do with the premise of my statement. :confused:

Maybe I'm just having a hard time relating to such vociferous responses as I've never been in a situation where a S.O. has pressured me to do something I didn't ultimately decide was best for me, anyway.

[Unicorn]

I'm amazed that someone would make a major change to their hair for a BF, unless the person already has a tendency to change their hair style regularly anyway of course.

I can see me wearing a particlar style that a BF has expressed a preferance for, but not anything that involves chemicals (either to begin using or cease using) or scissors. I wouldn't grow my hair for a BF any more than I would cut it. I suppose my feeling is that my body is mine, I have to live in it 24/7, so only I get to decide on the body I live in. If a BF felt strongly enough to make an issue of it, then he's just not right for me. I can't imagine telling BF what to do with their body either.

A relationship should be bigger than one's physical attributes, in my book.

Unicorn

[Kleis]

Would I make a sacrifice of something for my man if he asked me? In a heartbeat. Does his happiness mean more to me than my own? You bet.


I guess it just comes down to a compatibility issue. Personally--just speaking of me here--I would not find someone whose happiness depended on cutting my hair to be compatible to me. I'd think his happiness is too focused in the wrong direction for me.

Would I make a sacrifice of something else? Sure, but not blindly. If I were dating someone who was vegetarian, for instance, and requested that I eat at vegetarian restaurants when we went out. I could do that. I'd still eat meat on my own, but I could share vegetarian meals happily. Could I quit wearing perfume oils around him? Or using scented soap? Sure.

But someone asking a sacrifice of me by actually altering my body? Hmm, that's when I start watching out for other incompatibilities.

[Kleis]

Kleis...

No, I'm not missing the point and I think I'm actually in agreement with BOTH sides. My point is that I would NOT dismiss (out of hand) a preference that someone else has. I also said that I would listen and discuss BOTH preferences (mine and his). I NEVER said that I would do something simply because of someone else's preference IF it was something I didn't want to do. I never condemned anyone else's choice of an emphatic "no"... I don't think that my having recently cut my hair has anything to do with the premise of my statement. :confused:

:shrug: It seemed relevant, but if it's not, I'll take your word for it.

[OhioLisa]

I guess it just comes down to a compatibility issue. Personally--just speaking of me here--I would not find someone whose happiness depended on cutting my hair to be compatible to me. I'd think his happiness is too focused in the wrong direction for me.

Would I make a sacrifice of something else? Sure, but not blindly. If I were dating someone who was vegetarian, for instance, and requested that I eat at vegetarian restaurants when we went out. I could do that. I'd still eat meat on my own, but I could share vegetarian meals happily. Could I quit wearing perfume oils around him? Or using scented soap? Sure.

But someone asking a sacrifice of me by actually altering my body? Hmm, that's when I start watching out for other incompatibilities.


If I said to my guy "hey, dear... I kinda like you with a goatee, would you grow it back out?" He would say "really? you think I look better?" "Yes, dear" "Ok." And he would grow it. Is he thinking "omg, this chick wants me to alter my body for her!!" Uhh, doubt it. In the grand scheme of things, it IS just hair.

[Kleis]

If I said to my guy "hey, dear... I kinda like you with a goatee, would you grow it back out?" He would say "really? you think I look better?" "Yes, dear" "Ok." And he would grow it. Is he thinking "omg, this chick wants me to alter my body for her!!" Uhh, doubt it. In the grand scheme of things, it IS just hair.

Yes and no. Goatee: a month or two of growth. Thigh length hair on me: over 20 years of growth.

A friend of mine was married once to a guy who ragged her about her thigh length hair, and then finally grabbed it and cut it off without her permission. THEN, after she went to a salon and had it styled, said, "You know, I don't like it."

I realize this was an abusive situation, but there's another point. I'm not going to make a drastic change when someone only *assumes* they'd like it better.

But, as I said, it's a compatibility issue. If this is okay for a particular couple, then they are well-suited. If it's not, then they may not be. I wouldn't be happy with this dynamic, but I'm not saying you're wrong to be okay with it.

[OhioLisa]

Yes and no. Goatee: a month or two of growth. Thigh length hair on me: over 20 years of growth.

A friend of mine was married once to a guy who ragged her about her thigh length hair, and then finally grabbed it off and cut it without her permission. THEN, after she went to a salon and had it styled, said, "You know, I don't like it."

I realize this was an abusive situation, but there's another point. I'm not going to make a drastic change when someone only *assumes* they'd like it better.

That's terrible what happened to your friend. Definitely abusive. A different matter entirely.

And I do understand it might be a bit different, but if my guy was a long hair, which I do not care for on men, and I asked him to cut it because I honestly detested it and thought he would look much better without it, I would expect that he would do the same for me.


But, as I said, it's a compatibility issue. If this is okay for a particular couple, then they are well-suited. If it's not, then they may not be. I wouldn't be happy with this dynamic, but I'm not saying you're wrong to be okay with it.

This is the best statement yet in this thread. Exactly right you are, and thank you very much.

[Kleis]

Here's another example, to put our mods to use. :lol:

Trolleypup shaved his goatee off because Dianyla was curious to see him smooth shaven. She then told him to "Put that back right now!" or something to that effect. It's back. Some people probably didn't even know it was gone.

If Dianyla had cut off her hair because someone (clearly, not Tpup) expressed a desire to see her shorthaired, her floor-length hair would simply be gone for years, possibly permanently. It's just not the same situation at all.

[Kleis]

This is the best statement yet in this thread. Exactly right you are, and thank you very much.

Yay! :flowers:

[rags]

But, WS, unless I'm mistaken, you've already cut your hair very short. And Rags' hair doesn't look that long, either. It think the correlation in this hypothetical instance (i.e., haircutting) is that the people who are more on the pro side have less of an investment of time already spent. :shrug:

OhioLisa's hair is quite long, on the other hand.

I think that dismissing the women who would not do this as not being about communication or compromise--not directed at YOU, but in general--are missing all the areas in which communication and compromise are happening. Communicating about children, careers, living location, medical issues, parent issues, education, finances, retirement...if you can work out all these, what's a little hair.

If my partner decided he was not attracted to me with long hair, chances are he'd not be attracted to me with short hair, too. AND it places the attraction in what is, to me, a very odd place. If I'm attracted to someone, it's because I like who they are. Hair? If a person is attractive, they could be (and have been) bald. I'm not going to insist a partner get hair plugs if he loses it, after all.


Aaah, but my hair was as long as Ohio Lisa's when he wanted me to get a perm. I KNEW what a perm would do to my hair. He thought he would like it. I got a perm anyway. My hair grows fairly slowly. That was YEARS of growth I lost. But it made him happy.

And my hair is only shorter now because I had to cut it because half of it fell off due to the great medication shed of 06. I lost over half my hair. I have had long hair most of my adult life (at LEAST as long as OhioLisas). I too fail to see the relevance.

[Kleis]

Aaah, but my hair was as long as Ohio Lisa's when he wanted me to get a perm. I KNEW what a perm would do to my hair. He thought he would like it. I got a perm anyway. My hair grows fairly slowly. That was YEARS of growth I lost. But it made him happy.

And my hair is only shorter now because I had to cut it because half of it fell off due to the great medication shed of 06. I lost over half my hair. I have had long hair most of my adult life (at LEAST as long as OhioLisas). I too fail to see the relevance.

Lack of relevance appears with more information. Thanks for the clarification. :shrug:

I'll just fall back on my compatibility thought instead of original hair length. Clearly, this is an acceptable dynamic for some, but not for others.

[Sissy]

My husband would never want me to cut my hair because he loves long hair... however, if I wanted to cut it I'm sure he would support me. Anyhow, my hair was long when we met so I guess he wouldn't have dated me if he didn't like long hair.

[rags]

Lack of relevance appears with more information. Thanks for the clarification. :shrug:

I'll just fall back on my compatibility thought instead of original hair length. Clearly, this is an acceptable dynamic for some, but not for others.


I too think you've nailed it with the compatability thought. It is totally an acceptable dynamic for us, and I can see that it would not be for someone else.

[Alun]

OK since I'm the one who said "he can find a short haired woman" I'll explain further. I really do mean that. I'm just stating the facts from my point of view. If my hair length is an issue for him, then he can go ------- (you fill in the blank). If he asked me to cut my hair and I gave him the "hell no" answer and he didn't give it a rest and shut up about it, I'd be so done with him. My hair is a part of me and if he can't deal with it, then we don't have much do we? We'd have more issues than me not wanting to give up something that's very important to me just to please him. I'm not thrilled with some aspects of his appearance but I don't say anything. Maybe that does sound harsh but oh well :shrug: That's just how I am. I've never been a people pleaser or a subservient little wife and I don't see that changing. Please keep in mind I am talking only about me and Mr Cranky. I am not saying everyone should hold my views. If someone thinks I'm being disrepectful :confused: that's not my problem.

I'm with you, Carolyn!

OK, this thread was "Would you cut off your hair to please your man?", but I've seen lesbians in this thread, and they aren't talking about their MAN, so I'll comment.

I would find it hard to live with a woman who was constantly saying how much she preferred guys with short hair. I get enough of that from my mum, and she's thousands of miles away! I had one GF who said she preferred short hair on guys, but it never became an issue, because she never asked me to cut mine. DW never would either, because she knows it's important to me.

That's the key. How can you ask your partner to give up something that's especially important to them? If you do, it's just making life harder to no good purpose.

[getoffmyskittle]

I honestly don't give a flying crap what other people do to please each other in their relationships. That really doesn't concern me, as long as they're both happy.

Would I cut my hair because a guy didn't like it? Right now, I'm gonna go with no. Possibly even "hell, no." But then, I'd want a guy to like me for me, and right now, having long hair is part of me. And if a guy couldn't accept that I really like having long hair, which I think is probably one of the tamest elements in my personality :lol:, how is he going to fare with the REST of me? :lol:

I really do feel this way about it. :shrug:

manderly, I heard you loud and clear. My problem with your post was two-fold:

1. If someone has a standard for relationships that you don't hold... why does it matter? So some women feel strongly about owning their bodies. You obviously do not see the issue in the same way. That's fine, and if you would cut your hair to please a man, then by all means. I really don't care. That's you owning your body in your own way - choosing what is and what is not important to you in order to make your life work in the best way for you.

So I ask, with genuine curiosity, if I wouldn't cut my hair to please a man, what's it to you? Why is that so horrible? What if I get into a situation where a guy wants me to cut my hair, I refuse, and he breaks up with me..? That's a) my problem, and b) a HUGE sign that said guy wasn't right for me anyway.

2. "Women are mean." I kinda already addressed this with the xkcd post; why are women mean because some women wouldn't cut their hair for their partner..? Also, it's pretty common to call women mean horrible ball-busting harpies when they won't rearrange their lives for the benefit of men (see: Hillary Clinton). I'm sure you know me well enough that I don't really have to reiterate why I find this sentiment exasperating. :lol:

I keep trying to type something here about how these are things I saw in your post, not that I have a problem with YOU, but ehhh... I think we've butted heads enough that hopefully you know this already. :lol:

[Coriander]

It's the "hell nos" and "he can find another woman" and "I'll be damned if I cut a hair on my head to please him" and other similar responses that I was cringing at. It showed a refusal to have any kind of discourse or compromise within a relationship. It's my way or the highway. When did women get so......mean?


I was a "hell no" answerer but not directed at my DBF since he's so beautiful and lovely and sweet with me :)

I took the question to mean "would you cut your hair if your SO told you to" and answered thusly.

I've been in relationships and a marriage where I was told how to dress, what makeup to wear, what to do, what not to do, and I have had it with that.

I'm all about compromise. If my DBF told me, "You know what sweetie, I really loved your hair at waistlength, would you try that length again for me?" I would of course consider it because I love him and because that is what he liked.

If I was straight up told to cut though, that's a different story.

:flowers:

[Carolyn]

Wow, I guess I am just way more old fashioned than I realized. I simply can't imagine him telling me to "cut it off or else". But he would certainly say " I don't like your hair that long. I would prefer that you cut it to such and such a length."
I would ask him why, we would talk about it, and most likely I would be getting a haircut. :shrug:

How can I be so sure? Well, he has done the opposite just recently; told me he wanted it grown back out. I wanted to wait and see if it would thicken up any more; he wanted my long hair back. Result: I'm growing it.

His preferences are extremely important to me. After all, what's the good of me thinking I look gorgeous if he doesn't think so? (no, I don't wear clothing he doesn't like either). Are there limits? Probably not for hair. I have even contemplated shaving my head myself before, so I can't imagine a length he'd want that I would balk at.

I don't know. In the long run, I just think compromising is the name of the game. He knows I adore his beard. He's not the fondest of wearing one all the time; but he'll wear it for a while and then shave for a while. Compromise.

Some of the answers sound mean to me too. :shrug:
But maybe I'm just from a different generation?I know I'm one of the "mean" ones in this thread and so be it. I am what I am. Well hell I love being a "tight bunned mean lady" :p Technically I am old enough to be your mother, so it's not just the youngsters who are saying the hell no's. I could be a generation ahead of you. I am thrilled to see the young'uns having backbones and striving to be who they are :rockerdud

I've been married over 30 years so my hair and my attitude are obviously not going to cause unsolvable issues in my home. What I am saying is I refuse to change the basic essence of who I am to please a partner. My hair is about who I am. If I think I look gorgeous that's what's important to me. I dress and wear my hair to please me. If he likes it that's all fine and good, but if he doesn't, tough titties. He's had a moustache that I hated, he has a buzz cut now that I find extremely unattractive and he has terrible taste in clothes. Do I tell him? No I don't. It's not up to me to change the things about him that I don't care for. I would never say anything to him about these things. I don't feel it's right for partners to try to get their SO's to change into their idea of an ideal partner. My hair and other aspects of my appearance are not up for discussion or for compromise. I do not bring it up and I never ever talk about my hair to him. Hell I don't even know if he likes my hair ;)

In my house, compromise is for things like money, child rearing, and other big picture issues. Appearance is not a big picture issue.

[Tangles]

I'd talk to him about it. Sometimes, when people say hair has gotten too long it just means it need some trimming.

I think it's nice when women try to please their SO's in small ways--wearing a certain dress or perfume, etc, because a relationship is all about extending beyond what you alone want.

It's when men ask their sig others to make big changes, that serious discussion is needed. However I do think it's usually pretty easy to tell the difference between a random comment/mild preference and a control issue.

[feralnature]

interesting links about men and their attraction to certain female types/hair color/length:

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article735078.ece

and

http://books.google.com/books?id=3E0-BEm-ZxoC&pg=PA59&lpg=PA59&dq=why+blonde&source=bl&ots=7JKhJ-e7qv&sig=HJJ4MMvSYvGXjb6TgbTbgsyS9gU&hl=en&ei=l42oSYL3A4GyNPGcpdUC&sa=X&oi=book_result&resnum=5&ct=result#PPA53,M1

[rags]

I've been married over 30 years so my hair and my attitude are obviously not going to cause unsolvable issues in my home. What I am saying is I refuse to change the basic essence of who I am to please a partner. My hair is about who I am. /snip

In my house, compromise is for things like money, child rearing, and other big picture issues. Appearance is not a big picture issue.

Hey I'm a "tight bunned mean lady" too! :p I really do think it's a basic compability issue, as Kleis stated.

I snipped your quote here because I can't do multiple quote boxes, but could you please explain something? These two seem to be mutually contradictory to me. If your hair is an essential part of your identity, then I get that you would say "hell, no". That makes perfect sense to me.

But would that not then be a big picture issue? As in, it's my identity? I'm sorry, not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand.

[HairColoredHair]

Hey I'm a "tight bunned mean lady" too! :p I really do think it's a basic compability issue, as Kleis stated.

I snipped your quote here because I can't do multiple quote boxes, but could you please explain something? These two seem to be mutually contradictory to me. If your hair is an essential part of your identity, then I get that you would say "hell, no". That makes perfect sense to me.

But would that not then be a big picture issue? As in, it's my identity? I'm sorry, not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand.

... perhaps it would be a big picture to an individual, but it need not be part of a relationship's big picture?

[rags]

... perhaps it would be a big picture to an individual, but it need not be part of a relationship's big picture?

Oh yes, that makes perfect sense! Thank you!

[ratgirldjh]

i wish my man would even notice my hair
the only time he ever noticed it was after i would wash it using indian herbs when it was much shorter - he told me a few times it looked longer after washing

and then when i tried WO (and he knew what i was doing) he commented that it looked 'yucky' when i thought it looked great!

men ;)

EDIT: when i first met him i had very short hair because i was letting it grow to about 3 inches and then cutting it to one inch when it bothered me. well, the first time i cut it short he freaked out! he absolutely hated my hair very short... so i guess he does notice some things - but they have to be very drastic changes - LOL

[Carolyn]

Hey I'm a "tight bunned mean lady" too! :p I really do think it's a basic compability issue, as Kleis stated.

I snipped your quote here because I can't do multiple quote boxes, but could you please explain something? These two seem to be mutually contradictory to me. If your hair is an essential part of your identity, then I get that you would say "hell, no". That makes perfect sense to me.

But would that not then be a big picture issue? As in, it's my identity? I'm sorry, not trying to be argumentative, just trying to understand.What I meant was that appearance, other than my own to me, is not important. I should have said his appearance (hair, moustache, clothes) is not worth making an issue even though I don't care for his choices. I feel it's up to me to suck it up and get over whatever negative things I am thinking.

My hair is a big deal to me but he has no clue about that. Hair, whether it is mine or his, does not figure into our relationship.

I hope I've explained this better. Glad you asked!

[kwaniesiam]

My man is pleased if I am pleased with me hair, since he wants me to be happy. It works out nicely, since I wouldn't alter it to please anyone but myself. Been there, done that, and ruined my hair for the sake of parents. They hated when my hair was black the first time, I had it stripped. Was a mess, and felt like straw for over a year before I found LHC. Never again :nono:

[Guenever]

My man loves my long hair, so no problem there^^ But - nope - no way I would cut it for a guy if he asked me to..

I do, however, leave it down more often because he loves it like that. Especially in bed (which causes a bit more tangles than I'm used to.. still, a sacrifice I'm more than willing to make :wink:)

[CaraLynn]

Not a chance. If someone's going to love me, it better be for who I am and not how I look. I wouldn't change my personality for someone...and my hair is an integral part of who I am.

[SHELIAANN1969]

Aaah, but my hair was as long as Ohio Lisa's when he wanted me to get a perm. I KNEW what a perm would do to my hair. He thought he would like it. I got a perm anyway. My hair grows fairly slowly. That was YEARS of growth I lost. But it made him happy.

And my hair is only shorter now because I had to cut it because half of it fell off due to the great medication shed of 06. I lost over half my hair. I have had long hair most of my adult life (at LEAST as long as OhioLisas). I too fail to see the relevance.

I have to ask ~why would you damage your hair, KNOWING that it would? You stated *he thought he would like it* This leads me to the conclusion that in reality, he didn't like it.

It damaged your hair, he ended up not liking it (if I am reading correctly) and it seems to have had a lasting effect on you, and a change that you haven't been able to recover to your former state.

You say *but it made him happy* How could he have been happy? How long was he happy for? A week, a month?

Couldn't you just have easily said *I refuse to damage my hair* but I will curl it daily, either with rollers/curling iron/ alternative methods, and when he realized he didn't much care for it, you would have had a little damage from heat curling (if you decided to go that route) instead of losing your hair and now trying to recoup it?

That seems very very sad to me.

I would not ask my husband to do something that he would hate, and he would not ask me to do something I hated. He would also never suggest I damage my hair or body in any way.

Period.

What if your hubs decided he wanted you to be tattoed with permanet eyeliner, or have your lips injected, or have liposuction? Where does it end? This is hypothetical, but a serious question.

[Starr]

My husband likes long hair within certain parameters- between BSL and tailbone is fine with him, longer than that he's not completely sold on the idea because then it's "strangely long". However he's completely supportive of whatever I want. So classic it is.

[SHELIAANN1969]

I have one question ~if your sweetie said "I don't like all those stupid hairsticks and forks etc, I want you to get rid of them all", would you really do that? Trying to please him, would you give up your hairtoys?

And then if he said, "I don't like your hair that long, I want you to cut it to a bob style and dye it black" Would you do that?

I find that astonishing if that were the case.

I can see someone styling their hair a certain way, wearing it in a fashion that makes it *look* shorter, without having to actually cut it, or wearing certain hairtoys because the sweetie thinks they make you look hot. Making one more appealing to their SO is very important, making ourselves feel ugly by doing something we don't want to, is not a choice I would want to make. It would make me feel hideous to cut my hair, it would make me feel ugly, depressed and heartbroken, I can't imagine someone asking me to do that to make *them* happy. :(

But most of us are here because we want to have long healthy hair, I find it startling that someone would just chop their hair off, even if it made them miserable, because their SO said they wanted them to.:confused:





That's terrible what happened to your friend. Definitely abusive. A different matter entirely.

And I do understand it might be a bit different, but if my guy was a long hair, which I do not care for on men, and I asked him to cut it because I honestly detested it and thought he would look much better without it, I would expect that he would do the same for me.



This is the best statement yet in this thread. Exactly right you are, and thank you very much.

[rags]

What I meant was that appearance, other than my own to me, is not important. I should have said his appearance (hair, moustache, clothes) is not worth making an issue even though I don't care for his choices. I feel it's up to me to suck it up and get over whatever negative things I am thinking.

My hair is a big deal to me but he has no clue about that. Hair, whether it is mine or his, does not figure into our relationship.

I hope I've explained this better. Glad you asked!

Yes, very well thank you! As I see it, it's really not a matter of "will you cut your hair?" as it is more of differing relationship dynamics. What you have described above is just totally foreign to me; and yet it works for you and obviously many others. I've been married for 24 years, so my way is working pretty well for us. Vive le difference! (I just know I spelled that wrong!)

[Elphie]

I can't imagine my husband asking me to do anything of the sort. He just simply wouldn't. When we dated, my hair was quite long but it's been as short as pixie as well. If he has a preference, he's certainly managed to keep it hidden all these years and has appreciated my hair no matter what length it is.

But to answer the question directly, no. I wouldn't change something I appreciated in order to please him nor would I expect him to do that for me.

[rags]

I have to ask ~why would you damage your hair, KNOWING that it would? You stated *he thought he would like it* This leads me to the conclusion that in reality, he didn't like it.

It damaged your hair, he ended up not liking it (if I am reading correctly) and it seems to have had a lasting effect on you, and a change that you haven't been able to recover to your former state.

You say *but it made him happy* How could he have been happy? How long was he happy for? A week, a month?

Couldn't you just have easily said *I refuse to damage my hair* but I will curl it daily, either with rollers/curling iron/ alternative methods, and when he realized he didn't much care for it, you would have had a little damage from heat curling (if you decided to go that route) instead of losing your hair and now trying to recoup it?

That seems very very sad to me.

I would not ask my husband to do something that he would hate, and he would not ask me to do something I hated. He would also never suggest I damage my hair or body in any way.

Period.

What if your hubs decided he wanted you to be tattoed with permanet eyeliner, or have your lips injected, or have liposuction? Where does it end? This is hypothetical, but a serious question.


Sorry, I missed this earlier! He thought he would like it when we were talking about it. He did like it when it was done. Sorry I wasn't clear about that. But, as usual with my hair, it fell out in about a month maybe? So I guess he got to like it for about that long. And this was many years ago. I had managed to regrow my hair to waist length when I became ill and had to take medication which made my hair fall out. That's what I'm regrowing from now, not the perm.

Yes, I could have said that, and he probably would have dropped it. (He is not at all controlling!) But he really wanted me to try it, and I hadn't in many years, so I tried it. To please him. :shrug:
It actually damaged it less than I thought it would- perms must have improved some! :p

As to your other question, and the comment about damaging your hair or body. Well, it's two totally different things to me. I would never get liposuction, or anything else you mentioned, only because he wanted it. But it's different. That is a serious, permanent change to your body. Hair grows back. In a few years, I'll have waist length virgin hair again. That is the difference to me.

And really, what have I lost? It wasn't as short as it is now from the perm, but I just got to experience a different length. Yes, it was a bit aggravating. No, I don't want to do it again. But at the time, it was fine. And if he really, really, really wanted me to do it again- well, I took pictures last time!:D That'll fix him!

[SHELIAANN1969]

I see your point, it seems that maybe you really wanted to try a perm too (you stated you hadn't in many years) and it isn't that you were doing something you really didn't want to do.

I would definately keeps those pics forever! :D

[rags]

=SHELIAANN1969;482588] It would make me feel hideous to cut my hair, it would make me feel ugly, depressed and heartbroken, I can't imagine someone asking me to do that to make *them* happy. :(

But most of us are h
ere because we want to have long healthy hair, I find it startling that someone would just chop their hair off, even if it made them miserable, because their SO said they wanted them to.:confused:

Perhaps this is where the disconnect is coming from? It wouldn't make me feel hideous to cut my hair, with the caveat that I would get to help choose the style. I might not like it, and then I would tell him so, and I would grow it back out.

It didn't make me miserable to get the perm. I had fun with it, regretted the damage, did a chop and began growing again. It was fun while it lasted, and I doubt he will ever ask me to do it again. (as a matter of fact, I'm sure of it. He didn't like me having to cut it off).

If it were something that would really, truly, make me miserable, he would never ask me to do it. He loves me and wants me to be happy, not miserable!

Hope that helped

ETA: Never mind, looks like we posted at the same time!

[TammySue]

No way. If he loves me, he'll have to take me, hair and all! :D

[OhioLisa]

I have one question ~if your sweetie said "I don't like all those stupid hairsticks and forks etc, I want you to get rid of them all", would you really do that? Trying to please him, would you give up your hairtoys?

And then if he said, "I don't like your hair that long, I want you to cut it to a bob style and dye it black" Would you do that?

I find that astonishing if that were the case.

I can see someone styling their hair a certain way, wearing it in a fashion that makes it *look* shorter, without having to actually cut it, or wearing certain hairtoys because the sweetie thinks they make you look hot. Making one more appealing to their SO is very important, making ourselves feel ugly by doing something we don't want to, is not a choice I would want to make. It would make me feel hideous to cut my hair, it would make me feel ugly, depressed and heartbroken, I can't imagine someone asking me to do that to make *them* happy. :(

But most of us are here because we want to have long healthy hair, I find it startling that someone would just chop their hair off, even if it made them miserable, because their SO said they wanted them to.:confused:

I think you're missing the point here. Those of us who WOULD cut if it was asked of us would do so only after discussing with our SOs and determining that their wants for it to be a certain way outweigh ours. The point is that we would at least take their wishes into consideration. The point is that we would not let our own vanity overshadow the wants of our SOs. If you read my other posts, you will note that I said it requires discussion to determine who it means the most to.

Would my man ever ask me to cut? No, for 3 main reasons. 1. He prefers long hair, 2. Because he knows I grow it out of religious conviction, and 3. Because he knows what it means to me .

Would he ask me to sell my collection? No. He hates when I even put things on the swap board and encourages purchases. If, however, he did tell me that it was too much and he thought I should sell them, would I consider it? Yes. We would discuss it and come to some sort of conclusion. Since he knows how much my things mean to me, he wouldn't ask such a thing, even if he didn't particularly care for them. In that instance, he would be the one compromising, which I'm sure would be just fine and dandy with everyone here.

[Yedda]

Would I cut my hair that I love long because someone else likes it short? No

Would I cut my hair if I did not have a strong preference either way? Yes.

If there is anything I love about myself, who I am, or what I do, I would be very upset for someone to ask me to change it over their preference.

But if I had a SO that liked me to keep my hair in a certain way, or anything else about myself in a certain way for that matter, I would want to do what it is that they liked.

It all depends on how much having long hair means to you.

Let us know what you decide:)

[SHELIAANN1969]

I really am not trying to be arguementative, just curious and trying to grasp the *why*.

You said your sweetie wouldn't ask you to cut your hair or to get rid of your hair lovelies, for many reasons, obviously he does indeed love you, want you, and desire you for exactly what you are.

I can see a couple, discussing a change, for whatever reason and coming to a decision together for the greater good.

I cannot imagine *why* someone would ask their wife/gf/SO to cut their hair if they KNOW it is very important to them.

What good could come of it? And why would someone want a person to do something that would negatively affect the way they feel about themselves?

I am just stunned to think someone would suggest it and more shocked to discover that the person being asked would do it.

It's easy to say that you would do it, when you say that you know your sweetie wouldn't ask you to do it anyways.

I am shocked to find out that people have indeed made changes to themselves that they did not want to, for no reason other than their SO wanted them to change, and in the end, it was not a change for the best.

It serves no purpose to ask someone to cut their hair, this is where I am stunned when it has been asked of people to make a change that they knew would be damaging, and did it anyway. :shrug:

It just seems like it's a very very thin line of being completely controlled.

The scenario of my husband asking me to cut my hair, because he wanted to see it in a different way, and we discuss it becuse I want to hear what he has to say, and him coming up with a reason that would make it better for us both, is inconceivable to me.

That behavior, to me, borders on abusive. That's just MY take on it.

I used to have a BF when I was very young, who tried to controll me in every way, this is what this sounds like to me, controlling and abusive. Abuse doesn't have to be physical or physically forced, it can be suggestive, mind controll, as in having someone do your will by using suggestion or other tactics to get ones way.

It just doesn't set well with me.

I can understand my sweetie *suggesting* a minor alteration, (as an example, he sees a cute outfit or hairdo that he thinks would rock on me) but not making me feel like I *need* to do this so *he will be happy* (if it were an outfit or an updo, that would be cool, even it it wasn't my cup of tea, it's not a long term change and can be reversed immediately)

I dunno, it just seems odd.

And to say that everyone here would be fine with your sweetie agreeing to you having your hairtoys, even if he thought it was excessive, is really generalizing. I would hope that we indeed consider everyones feelings as valid, not to assume that he should cater to your whims or compromise his desires either.

Obviouslly he knows you and knows what makes you happy. But if it got to the point where you were out of controll, spending food, bill and housing money, hiding the fact that you were on a buying binge and throwing yourself and him into financial failure, I could understand him taking controll of the situation.

I am not saying that's the case, but the circumstances would warrant his actions.

I don't see how, simply having long hair, would be in the same category of necessitating a change, such as cutting it.

I have gone overboard on purchases and hubs has been like "Honey, you're going a bit wild, you need to chill" I know my faults, and I know I like hairtoys. :D

I have even said that I would put some of my stuff on the swap board and he said "No, you love your stuff and will be sad if you sell them" (awwwwww, he is so sweet, but it's true)
I just slack off and buy sparingly, knowing we need other things and we cannot live on hairtoys alone!

But he would never suggest that my hairtoy obsession be ceased by cutting my hair off.

I don't know, I am baffled at the mere idea.


I think you're missing the point here. Those of us who WOULD cut if it was asked of us would do so only after discussing with our SOs and determining that their wants for it to be a certain way outweigh ours. The point is that we would at least take their wishes into consideration. The point is that we would not let our own vanity overshadow the wants of our SOs. If you read my other posts, you will note that I said it requires discussion to determine who it means the most to.

Would my man ever ask me to cut? No, for 3 main reasons. 1. He prefers long hair, 2. Because he knows I grow it out of religious conviction, and 3. Because he knows what it means to me .

Would he ask me to sell my collection? No. He hates when I even put things on the swap board and encourages purchases. If, however, he did tell me that it was too much and he thought I should sell them, would I consider it? Yes. We would discuss it and come to some sort of conclusion. Since he knows how much my things mean to me, he wouldn't ask such a thing, even if he didn't particularly care for them. In that instance, he would be the one compromising, which I'm sure would be just fine and dandy with everyone here.

[RancheroTheBee]

I think you're missing the point here. Those of us who WOULD cut if it was asked of us would do so only after discussing with our SOs and determining that their wants for it to be a certain way outweigh ours. The point is that we would at least take their wishes into consideration. The point is that we would not let our own vanity overshadow the wants of our SOs.

I think that what most people are imagining is that their SO would also be making this demand based on physical preferences. That was my first assumption. That said, if my SO told me, "So, in the middle of the night, I keep inhaling your braid and I'm afraid it might kill me one day. Can you cut it?" I think that yes, I definitely would.

[SHELIAANN1969]

I think that what most people are imagining is that their SO would also be making this demand based on physical preferences. That was my first assumption. That said, if my SO told me, "So, in the middle of the night, I keep inhaling your braid and I'm afraid it might kill me one day. Can you cut it?" I think that yes, I definitely would.

But couldn't you just pin it up and put it in a pony-scrub? :eyebrows:

[Carolyn]

I think that what most people are imagining is that their SO would also be making this demand based on physical preferences. That was my first assumption. That said, if my SO told me, "So, in the middle of the night, I keep inhaling your braid and I'm afraid it might kill me one day. Can you cut it?" I think that yes, I definitely would.Separate beds would solve that problem in my world :p

[CountessDeJager]

I think you're missing the point here. Those of us who WOULD cut if it was asked of us would do so only after discussing with our SOs and determining that their wants for it to be a certain way outweigh ours. The point is that we would at least take their wishes into consideration. The point is that we would not let our own vanity overshadow the wants of our SOs. If you read my other posts, you will note that I said it requires discussion to determine who it means the most to.

What I see in this thread is two very different styles of ideal relationship. One is both people would cut their hair for the other. Alternately there also is the idea that neither would ask the other to cut. The latter is my ideal relationship.

I enjoy doing things to make my husband happy. That giving is rewarding for me and works for us but like others in the thread have expressed, the line stops at my body. For me no concern of another person can outweigh my self-determination. It is not vanity to have boundaries nor noble to submit if there is a personal cost to yourself. The system of putting the needs of the other first works if both people are pulling their weight and looking out for the other in return. I think that might be where the objection others have comes in. It is easy for one good person to be taken advantage of by the other, especially if they are raised to believe the needs of the man get extra weight merely because they come from him and that submitting is a virtue.

To our original poster, Fairlight63, is your husband pressuring you for short hair? I think everybody on the thread agrees demanding is not okay because that isn't what loving people do. If you need other help let us know, people can post some great styles that mimic short hair and that occasional look might be all your husband needs to put a smile on his face. If it is a control issue however you will also be able to get a lot of good advice.

[GlebeGirl]

Those of us who WOULD cut if it was asked of us would do so only after discussing with our SOs and determining that their wants for it to be a certain way outweigh ours. The point is that we would at least take their wishes into consideration. The point is that we would not let our own vanity overshadow the wants of our SOs. If you read my other posts, you will note that I said it requires discussion to determine who it means the most to.

The major difference, I think, is in that one particular sentence where you say, "that their wants for it to be a certain way outweigh ours." I'd hazard a guess that for the people who find the concept of changing their hair (or clothes or weight) for someone offensive it's because there is no scenario where the opinion of another person would take precedence over their own choices for their appearance.

I would feel belittled and condescended to if someone tried to convince me that they know better than I do when it comes to my decisions about myself, or that it was more important for them to be comfortable with how I look than I do. ESPECIALLY if it was a spouse or partner who I've been with long term and supposedly loves me for the person I am.

Basically, it's not about vanity, and I think it's a mistake to pin that label on anyone not saying they'd cut if their spouse or partner asked. It's about discovering that someone who is supposed to be loving you for who you are wants to change something cosmetic about you and thinks it's OK to push for it even knowing you might not be comfortable with it. That sounds unhealthy, and a bit less than loving.

[marla]

No, its not that your from a different generation. I am older than you and I don't see it the way you do, either. I cannot for the life of me imagine a man saying to me "I don't like your hair that long. I would prefer that you cut it to such and such a length." My first response would be, "HOW RUDE!!" And you say that you would discuss it and you would probably be getting a haircut. That just blows my mind. And just so you know, I would never ever tell a man I was with that he should change something about him. The way I see it, if you don't like the person for how they are, then get away from them, but don't try to make them change and be who they are not.

You ask: "What's the good of me thinking I'm gorgeous if he doesn't think so?" Well sorry but how I feel about myself is independent of what any man thinks of me.



Wow, I guess I am just way more old fashioned than I realized. I simply can't imagine him telling me to "cut it off or else". But he would certainly say " I don't like your hair that long. I would prefer that you cut it to such and such a length."
I would ask him why, we would talk about it, and most likely I would be getting a haircut. :shrug:

How can I be so sure? Well, he has done the opposite just recently; told me he wanted it grown back out. I wanted to wait and see if it would thicken up any more; he wanted my long hair back. Result: I'm growing it.

His preferences are extremely important to me. After all, what's the good of me thinking I look gorgeous if he doesn't think so? (no, I don't wear clothing he doesn't like either). Are there limits? Probably not for hair. I have even contemplated shaving my head myself before, so I can't imagine a length he'd want that I would balk at.

I don't know. In the long run, I just think compromising is the name of the game. He knows I adore his beard. He's not the fondest of wearing one all the time; but he'll wear it for a while and then shave for a while. Compromise.

Some of the answers sound mean to me too. :shrug:
But maybe I'm just from a different generation?

[RancheroTheBee]

But couldn't you just pin it up and put it in a pony-scrub? :eyebrows:

I like that idea a lot. I have very thick hair, and I'm afraid that one day, when it (knock on wood) gets to ridiculous lengths, my man might choke to death on my hair in the middle of the night.

I have a very vivid, albeit paranoid, imagination.

/hijack

[RancheroTheBee]

No, its not that your from a different generation. I am older than you and I don't see it the way you do, either. I cannot for the life of me imagine a man saying to me "I don't like your hair that long. I would prefer that you cut it to such and such a length." My first response would be, "HOW RUDE!!" And you say that you would discuss it and you would probably be getting a haircut. That just blows my mind. And just so you know, I would never ever tell a man I was with that he should change something about him. The way I see it, if you don't like the person for how they are, then get away from them, but don't try to make them change and be who they are not.

You ask: "What's the good of me thinking I'm gorgeous if he doesn't think so?" Well sorry but how I feel about myself is independent of what any man thinks of me.

PS:

Dear Marla: I love you. Adopt me.

Sincerely,

Ranchero

[Meri]

I did this once, and hated it. Never again, it just didn't feel right, and I don't think he really liked it that much better either. I think a lot of people instinctively style their hair in a way that suits them, so whatever you like yourself will probably suit you better than something your significant other found attractive on someone else.

[Bene]

i don't think i could be with someone who has the nerve to try to tell me what to do with my hair

[HotRag]

I would not cut my hair to please anyone. I have never done.

I can't imagine what it would be like if my husband would ask me to cut hair, change style of anything. He just tells me if I do something that can seam strange when meeting others :D

[Tap Dancer]

You ask: "What's the good of me thinking I'm gorgeous if he doesn't think so?" Well sorry but how I feel about myself is independent of what any man thinks of me.

Growing up, my mom always told me to wear my hair the way it pleases ME since I'm the one who will be living with it. I agree. So what if someone else thinks I look "gorgeous" if I hate what I see when I look in the mirror? I have to like what I see.

[curls2grow]

I cut my hair short (I have one pic in my album) in 2002-2003 timeframe. I thought it was OK, but DH didn't like it and finally told me he'd like me to grow it longer -- anything longer than it was. I was ready for the change so I grew it out.

He likes it longer and so do I -- so much easier than short curly hair, IMO. And he's even said that he really likes the gray. :D

He's lucky that I like and want it to be the way he wants it. ;) If I wanted to change the length/style I would, and he would have to deal with it. But it's nice knowing that we are on the same page with it at this point.

[rags]

No, its not that your from a different generation. I am older than you and I don't see it the way you do, either. I cannot for the life of me imagine a man saying to me "I don't like your hair that long. I would prefer that you cut it to such and such a length." My first response would be, "HOW RUDE!!" And you say that you would discuss it and you would probably be getting a haircut. That just blows my mind. And just so you know, I would never ever tell a man I was with that he should change something about him. The way I see it, if you don't like the person for how they are, then get away from them, but don't try to make them change and be who they are not.

You ask: "What's the good of me thinking I'm gorgeous if he doesn't think so?" Well sorry but how I feel about myself is independent of what any man thinks of me.

. I would never think it RUDE that he would express a preference for me, just as he doesn't think it rude that I tell him I prefer him with his beard.

No one said we don't like each other the way we are. We have been together for 25 years, after all! (married 24) I see it as a natural thing within the relationship, that we would have styles of dress and of hair/facial hair that we prefer on one another. And BOTH of us try to accomadate the other as much as possible. I notice NO ONE has made any reference to the fact that I am now growing my hair at his request. (My eventual goal was to grow it again, I just thought it needed a couple of more trims. He thought it was "lovely" and wanted me to go ahead and grow it out. How do you argue with "lovely"?)

I also would never try to make someone be what they are not. Hair is not who they are. Not in my world.

And no, I do not need a man to validate me. I perhaps worded that wrong. But in such a long term marriage, his wants and his preferences are an extremely strong influence. Why the heck would I want to wear a style that he thinks is unflattering on me? When basically I can be happy with many different styles - so I will pick one that he and I BOTH think is flattering. I hope that made it a little clearer.

[rags]

Growing up, my mom always told me to wear my hair the way it pleases ME since I'm the one who will be living with it. I agree. So what if someone else thinks I look "gorgeous" if I hate what I see when I look in the mirror? I have to like what I see.

I will reiterate what I said before. I can think I look gorgeous in many different styles and lengths of hair. So why not pick one that we BOTH like? I perhaps worded it wrongly/ did not give enough clarification on that one.

[GlennaGirl]

I worry about the idea that sacrifice means love, or that love must involve sacrifice. That part does stretch over to the emotionally abusive to me.

The reason I feel this way is that if the people being asked this question didn't feel strongly about our hair and not want to cut, then we probably wouldn't be on this board in the first place.

That may sound simplistic, but that's the way I see it. Thus:

A= The assumption is that the person loves her (or his) hair.
B= The S.O. then expresses a strong enough desire for her (or him) to cut it that the long-hair feels compelled to post on a board about it, asking dozens of strangers for their input. This does not imply a lack of anxiety over cutting. It does not imply a simple "suggestion" and then "talking it over calmly". Sorry. That's just logic.
Conclusion: Someone who doesn't want to cut is being coerced by an S.O. to cut and some people are saying that sacrifice is just part of a relationship.

It feels to me (just to me, remember) that if one is made to believe she should make a sacrifice of something she cares about in order to prove she loves her S.O. (again, that's simplified), then, yes, it sounds like a control issue, an S.O. who wants to prove to himself that his wife would do anything for him, and...to me...not like love at all.

[GlennaGirl]

It is not vanity to have boundaries nor noble to submit if there is a personal cost to yourself.

Right on! Very good statement.

[rags]

I worry about the idea that sacrifice means love, or that love must involve sacrifice. That part does stretch over to the emotionally abusive to me.

The reason I feel this way is that if the people being asked this question didn't feel strongly about our hair and not want to cut, then we probably wouldn't be on this board in the first place.

That may sound simplistic, but that's the way I see it. Thus:

A= The assumption is that the person loves her (or his) hair.
B= The S.O. then expresses a strong enough desire for her (or him) to cut it that the long-hair feels compelled to post on a board about it, asking dozens of strangers for their input. This does not imply a lack of anxiety over cutting. It does not imply a simple "suggestion" and then "talking it over calmly". Sorry. That's just logic.
Conclusion: Someone who doesn't want to cut is being coerced by an S.O. to cut and some people are saying that sacrifice is just part of a relationship.

It feels to me (just to me, remember) that if one is made to believe she should make a sacrifice of something she cares about in order to prove she loves her S.O. (again, that's simplified), then, yes, it sounds like a control issue, an S.O. who wants to prove to himself that his wife would do anything for him, and...to me...not like love at all.

If you go back and read the OP, the only thing she says is that BSL gives her more styling options, and chin length is more work. That does not sound like someone passionate about their hair.

And where did anyone say that she must do this to "prove her love"? I am truly :confused: by your reasoning here.

[GlennaGirl]

I notice NO ONE has made any reference to the fact that I am now growing my hair at his request.

Well, the removal of a part of the body is a little more aggressive and invasive than simply letting it do what it does naturally, and that could be why nobody made reference to that statement yet; not sure.

Cutting also implies the removal of years of dedication; growing doesn't remove dedication.

All that aside, I'll go ahead and reference the fact that you're growing now by his request: it makes me sad, even though it doesn't make you sad, if that makes sense. This probably isn't the way it actually is, but all I can see in my head now is you jumping through hoops, now cutting, now growing, now perming, now growing out a perm, over and over and over again at your husband's every whim for 25...long...years.

I don't mean to offend you...but good gosh. If it does work for you guys then who's to say? But I marvel that deep down there somewhere, you don't feel even the tiniest bit of resentment that your husband never seems to like you as you are for very long. I would wonder what his issues are. What on earth would make a man continuously "ask for" makeovers of his wife, including ones that contradict one another? What man picks a woman's appearance "nicely" every couple of years or so? I don't get that part.

[Carolyn]

Growing up, my mom always told me to wear my hair the way it pleases ME since I'm the one who will be living with it. I agree. So what if someone else thinks I look "gorgeous" if I hate what I see when I look in the mirror? I have to like what I see.You said that very well Tap Dancer. I feel I need to make myself happy first and then I can deal with other people's wants if I choose to. Our hair is ours 24/7 and I think it needs to please us first. If it pleases someone else that's all well and good. If I don't like it, I'm not going to be happy. And if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy to paraphrase an old saying.



And no, I do not need a man to validate me. I perhaps worded that wrong. But in such a long term marriage, his wants and his preferences are an extremely strong influence. Why the heck would I want to wear a style that he thinks is unflattering on me? When basically I can be happy with many different styles - so I will pick one that he and I BOTH think is flattering. I hope that made it a little clearer.rags I hope it's OK I bolded that part. Last time I did, I got in "trouble" :D I think this sentence is the key. You state you can be happy with many different styles. I'm going to take that to mean different hair lengths. The thing is that many of us devoted to our long hair, know we can't be happy with other styles/lengths. I know I would be miserable with shorter hair and I would feel unattractive and well yes ugly. I don't want to feel that way and I would resent the hell out of a SO asking me to change my hair length and thus making me feel less attractive. (Please see Tap Dancer's post I quoted above about looking in the mirror and being pleased with one's own appearance) So since you can be happy with various styles you don't mind changing your hair and you are willing to do so even if it's not your idea and is at your partner's request. That's great for you but please realize some of us cannot and will not do that. It would go against every fiber in my being to cut my hair at a SO's request when I know how miserable it would make me.

The OP has not posted again since starting this thread and I've been hoping she would pop back in with some more information and more of her thoughts. Are we helping her out at all or have we scared her off with this monster discussion?

[GlennaGirl]

If you go back and read the OP, the only thing she says is that BSL gives her more styling options, and chin length is more work. That does not sound like someone passionate about their hair.

...and she says it on a board dedicated to either having or growing long hair, to which she subscribes. That itself should speak volumes.


And where did anyone say that she must do this to "prove her love"? I am truly :confused: by your reasoning here.

Well, I'll explain my reasoning. The comments that marriage involves putting others' needs before one's own imply sacrifice. Otherwise, yours wouldn't be a "need" at all, if you didn't feel strongly about it.

If you feel strongly about something but agree to someone else's preference over your years of dedication, yes, that's sacrifice. If, OTOH, you cut but you didn't care much about cutting in the first place, then how is that putting your S.O.'s needs before your own in the first place--since you yourself either A) don't care much or B) have a similar desire (to cut/wear chin length/etc.)? In which case you're not being noble or doing "give and take" at all, but are still subscribing to YOUR OWN desires--something some people on this thread are intimating is a bad thing.. Make sense?

[marla]

I don't want to speak for her, but my guess is that this is all part of a submissive wife ideology that is still prevalent in some circles. It extends way beyond hair to every facet of the marriage.



All that aside, I'll go ahead and reference the fact that you're growing now by his request: it makes me sad, even though it doesn't make you sad, if that makes sense. This probably isn't the way it actually is, but all I can see in my head now is you jumping through hoops, now cutting, now growing, now perming, now growing out a perm, over and over and over again at your husband's every whim for 25...long...years.

I don't mean to offend you...but good gosh. If it does work for you guys then who's to say? But I marvel that deep down there somewhere, you don't feel even the tiniest bit of resentment that your husband never seems to like you as you are for very long. I would wonder what his issues are. What on earth would make a man continuously "ask for" makeovers of his wife, including ones that contradict one another? What man picks a woman's appearance "nicely" every couple of years or so? I don't get that part.

[rags]

Well, the removal of a part of the body is a little more aggressive and invasive than simply letting it do what it does naturally, and that could be why nobody made reference to that statement yet; not sure.

Cutting also implies the removal of years of dedication; growing doesn't remove dedication.

All that aside, I'll go ahead and reference the fact that you're growing now by his request: it makes me sad, even though it doesn't make you sad, if that makes sense. This probably isn't the way it actually is, but all I can see in my head now is you jumping through hoops, now cutting, now growing, now perming, now growing out a perm, over and over and over again at your husband's every whim for 25...long...years.

I don't mean to offend you...but good gosh. If it does work for you guys then who's to say? But I marvel that deep down there somewhere, you don't feel even the tiniest bit of resentment that your husband never seems to like you as you are for very long. I would wonder what his issues are. What on earth would make a man continuously "ask for" makeovers of his wife, including ones that contradict one another? What man picks a woman's appearance "nicely" every couple of years or so? I don't get that part.

Umm. No. I guess you missed the first parts of the thread, where I said he prefers long hair and wouldn't ask me to cut it. Let's see, over twenty-five years, he has asked me to get the perm, to quit dying my hair already as I was driving him mad with dying it and being unhappy (and very, very vocal about it - to him!) , and then to grow my hair back out this last time. He's suggested, when I had to keep my hair short, that I try this or that style, and I did. It was a period of experimentation as I had had long hair for so long.

And yes, I find I am beginning to get a bit offended by the assumptions of things I have never said.

.

[GlennaGirl]

Umm. No. I guess you missed the first parts of the thread, where I said he prefers long hair and wouldn't ask me to cut it. Let's see, over twenty-five years, he has asked me to get the perm, to quit dying my hair already as I was driving him mad with dying it and being unhappy (and very, very vocal about it - to him!) , and then to grow my hair back out this last time. He's suggested, when I had to keep my hair short, that I try this or that style, and I did. It was a period of experimentation as I had had long hair for so long.

And yes, I find I am beginning to get a bit offended by the assumptions of things I have never said.

.

It isn't too surprising that I, or anyone else, "missed" these parts since you never said you yourself were vocally unhappy to your husband about your hair in these circumstances. (In fact you made a point of saying you permed even though you secretly knew it would be wrong for you, based on his wants. Where was the vocal dissatisfaction there?) One part I can assure you I didn't miss is that the point you're supposedly trying to make here for several long pages is that you'd do this "for" your husband; now you're saying something rather different. But since this story keeps changing...I can't really keep up with it using logic or reason. So I'll leave you to your marriage your way and will wish you, and all of us, the best. :)

Just a quick tip: try to refrain from being offended by assumptions made based on things you either said, or left out entirely that no one else could possibly know. That will only end up being an exercise in frustration for you...and for those of us spilling our hearts and feelings into a thread and giving tons of advice based on stuff that seems to mysteriously change later on.

[rags]

You said that very well Tap Dancer. I feel I need to make myself happy first and then I can deal with other people's wants if I choose to. Our hair is ours 24/7 and I think it needs to please us first. If it pleases someone else that's all well and good. If I don't like it, I'm not going to be happy. And if momma ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy to paraphrase an old saying.

rags I hope it's OK I bolded that part. Last time I did, I got in "trouble" :D I think this sentence is the key. You state you can be happy with many different styles. I'm going to take that to mean different hair lengths. The thing is that many of us devoted to our long hair, know we can't be happy with other styles/lengths. I know I would be miserable with shorter hair and I would feel unattractive and well yes ugly. I don't want to feel that way and I would resent the hell out of a SO asking me to change my hair length and thus making me feel less attractive. (Please see Tap Dancer's post I quoted above about looking in the mirror and being pleased with one's own appearance) So since you can be happy with various styles you don't mind changing your hair and you are willing to do so even if it's not your idea and is at your partner's request. That's great for you but please realize some of us cannot and will not do that. It would go against every fiber in my being to cut my hair at a SO's request when I know how miserable it would make me.

The OP has not posted again since starting this thread and I've been hoping she would pop back in with some more information and more of her thoughts. Are we helping her out at all or have we scared her off with this monster discussion?

No, I do realize that and I believe I already acknowledged that with another poster. My husband would NEVER ask me to do something that would make me feel ugly. If it would make you feel hideous, or ugly, then by all means you shouldn't do it!

[rags]

It isn't too surprising that I, or anyone else, "missed" these parts since you never said you yourself were vocally unhappy about your hair in these circumstances. One part I can assure you I didn't miss is that the point you're supposedly trying to make here for several long pages is that you'd do this "for" your husband; now you're saying something rather different. But since this story keeps changing...I can't really keep up with it using logic or reason. So I'll leave you to your marriage your way and will wish you, and all of us, the best. :)

Okay, deep breath. No, the ONLY thing I was vocally unhappy about was the dye. Thus, he asked me to quit dying. The rest of it, no.

[rags]

...and she says it on a board dedicated to either having or growing long hair, to which she subscribes. That itself should speak volumes.



Well, I'll explain my reasoning. The comments that marriage involves putting others' needs before one's own imply sacrifice. Otherwise, yours wouldn't be a "need" at all, if you didn't feel strongly about it.

If you feel strongly about something but agree to someone else's preference over your years of dedication, yes, that's sacrifice. If, OTOH, you cut but you didn't care much about cutting in the first place, then how is that putting your S.O.'s needs before your own in the first place--since you yourself either A) don't care much or B) have a similar desire (to cut/wear chin length/etc.)? In which case you're not being noble or doing "give and take" at all, but are still subscribing to YOUR OWN desires--something some people on this thread are intimating is a bad thing.. Make sense?

Aaah yes, this makes sense now! That, I do believe was said by OhioLisa. I was thinking you were responding to something I had said. I will think about this one.

[rags]

It isn't too surprising that I, or anyone else, "missed" these parts since you never said you yourself were vocally unhappy to your husband about your hair in these circumstances. (In fact you made a point of saying you permed even though you secretly knew it would be wrong for you, based on his wants. Where was the vocal dissatisfaction there?) One part I can assure you I didn't miss is that the point you're supposedly trying to make here for several long pages is that you'd do this "for" your husband; now you're saying something rather different. But since this story keeps changing...I can't really keep up with it using logic or reason. So I'll leave you to your marriage your way and will wish you, and all of us, the best. :)

Just a quick tip: try to refrain from being offended by assumptions made based on things you either said, or left out entirely that no one else could possibly know. That will only end up being an exercise in frustration for you...and for those of us spilling our hearts and feelings into a thread and giving tons of advice based on stuff that seems to mysteriously change later on.

Umm, I love the editing AFTER I have responded.
And I'm not horribly offended or anything, mostly totally puzzled. I truly do not see how you are getting your conclusions from my words.

There WAS no vocal dissatisfaction about the perm. I believe I already said that. Only the dye, which was MY idea to begin with.

Please, I would really like you to explain how I am now saying something different? Because I am not getting it. I am perhaps not always the most proficient at getting my thoughts across, and I'd really like to know. That's not sarcasm or anything, I would really like to know.

[GlennaGirl]

Umm, I love the editing AFTER I have responded.

Uhhhhhhh, we must have been typing at the same time. (Shrug) You kept saying you didn't understand so I kept trying to make it clearer and make more sense.

But since even those efforts aren't being understood I'll just leave it at what I already said.

[rags]

Okay, to reiterate; I would cut my hair for my husband, even if it were long and I would prefer it long. I would NOT cut it into a style I felt horribly unflattering to myself.

I did perm my hair, knowing I would have to cut it, because he wanted me to. It was fun while it lasted (not long!) because it was sooo different. I did not think I was irreversibly damaged by cutting my waist length hair back to about BSL and then regrowing it.

The part that I thought was "missed" was simply that he does not continually ask me to do this. It has been a few things in 25 years. That's all that I felt was missed.

I hope that's clearer.

ETA: And yes, I do it 'for' my husband, but it really doesn't bother me to do so. :shrug: I would not do it if it were to make me feel ugly, and he would not ask that of me. (Though I have done some things that made me feel that way, I did not know it beforehand. We live and we learn)

[Carolyn]

Something occurred to me in reading the OP and all the following posts...were the OP and the other thread respondents talking/complaining about their hair to their respective SO's? I'm just speculating here and maybe I'm way out in left field. I never ever talk about my hair to Mr Cranky. I never tell him if I'm getting a trim, I never informed him in the past when I got a perm, I didn't tell him I was coloring. (Actually he's never once noticed or commented on a hair change of any kind whether it's a length change or just a style change with the same cut.) I never ask him if he likes such and such a style. He doesn't know that LHC exists. It doesn't occur to me to discuss it with him. I know his eyes would glaze over from boredom and he would run out the backdoor :p Could there be a correlation between how much you talk about your hair and the SO wanting/asking you to cut it? Perhaps the SO's who requested a cut or change were just tired of all the hair talk and thought (in a misguided way) that if the hair was cut there would be less chatter about it? Am I way off base here? I just have a hard time with the idea that very many men are really interested or care how their wife wears their hair. If the wife is happy and not complaining, they are happy. Mr Cranky would be about as likely to express an opinion about my hair as he would about my knitting :p If I chattered on about either one, I know he'd be getting out of the room as fast as he could.

[Tangles]

My mom, who used to have 1A hair (now 1C-2A), once permed her hair upon my dad's suggestion, but it was already fairly short. That was the only time in thirty years of marriage that he seemed to say anything about her hair.

I was the one who suggested she grow her hair from jaw to below shoulder, and my dad seems to like it longer, but it was MY idea.

[OhioLisa]

The major difference, I think, is in that one particular sentence where you say, "that their wants for it to be a certain way outweigh ours." I'd hazard a guess that for the people who find the concept of changing their hair (or clothes or weight) for someone offensive it's because there is no scenario where the opinion of another person would take precedence over their own choices for their appearance.

I would feel belittled and condescended to if someone tried to convince me that they know better than I do when it comes to my decisions about myself, or that it was more important for them to be comfortable with how I look than I do. ESPECIALLY if it was a spouse or partner who I've been with long term and supposedly loves me for the person I am.

Basically, it's not about vanity, and I think it's a mistake to pin that label on anyone not saying they'd cut if their spouse or partner asked. It's about discovering that someone who is supposed to be loving you for who you are wants to change something cosmetic about you and thinks it's OK to push for it even knowing you might not be comfortable with it. That sounds unhealthy, and a bit less than loving.

Maybe that's the difference. My hair is not who I am. If it were, that would be pretty darn sad IMO.

[OhioLisa]

I worry about the idea that sacrifice means love, or that love must involve sacrifice. That part does stretch over to the emotionally abusive to me.

When sacrifice in a relationship seems abusive, this society is in a sad state indeed. If you're not willing to sacrifice for another, then why be in a relationship in the first place? Wow. Baffled.



The reason I feel this way is that if the people being asked this question didn't feel strongly about our hair and not want to cut, then we probably wouldn't be on this board in the first place.

Umm, I am here and I would make the sacrifice. Just FYI.

[HairColoredHair]

The different approaches to relationships in this thread are very interesting...

Personally, being of the 'hell no' side, I don't think I'd be in a relationship with someone who would ask me to change something I like. Their personal tastes would never outweigh my choice. I would not begrudge them noting they think they'd like it shorter, but asking me to change it? Heh. No.

'course, anyone I would be a relationship with would know better.

Those that are willing to change for their SO, that seems like an interesting balance in a relationship if both are willing to change, but it seems a stance that could be VERY easily taken advantage of, if one person was more submissive than the other.

I am willing to sacrifice, but a relationship SHOULD NOT BE BUILT ON SACRIFICE. Giving, on the other hand, is much healthier, IMHO.

[getoffmyskittle]

Maybe that's the difference. My hair is not who I am. If it were, that would be pretty darn sad IMO.

:lol:

Nobody said their hair was who they are, just that it's part of it. Plus, we're all on a long hair site. I don't think there is any justification for any of us to point fingers at each other about being too hair-obsessed.

Back to my cheetos and soaps...

[LisaButz2001]

My perspective is this: my ex wanted me to chop my tailbone hair to my shoulderblades, and I declined. He continued to try to compell me to cut it, but I grew it long enough to sit on. Now, we had other issues and consequently broke up. Imagine, I might have cut my hair and then lost IT & my SO. If the SO is going to be a permanent part of your life and you are BOTH willing to change and compromise, then as a couple do what doesn't cross your personal "line in the sand" but if it is a one sided effort, keep what the SO wants changed, you'll only have on trauma to recover from in the long run. Based on my logic my response to the OP is: "Hell no! Unless......"

[Für immer]

I certainly don't! No one should.

[SearMeCarefully]

I wouldn't cut it, however he hates when I have my hair up in a bun or when my hair "looks short", so wrap around braids etc
And it really pisses me off because he treats me poorly/gets grumpy when my hair is that way so I've generally stopped doing it around him so I don't feel like crap when he acts that way grr

[funnybunny668]

MY DH says as long as I'm happy, he's happy. Personally, I think this just means he doesn't want to hear me complain about it one way or another. LOL ;)

[Coriander]

Phew - 21 pages!


I met my fiance through the internet, and the photos he saw were a bit old. I had tailbone/classic hair and no fringe. By the time we met it was BSL with a fringe. He still seemed to like me.


Same here! In fact, the first photo he saw of me was right after the "Big Chop", when in reality my hair was in between shoulder and BSL. When we met IRL, my hair was nearing waist. (I put the photo in my album - the black and white one.)


If Wesley had told the princess bride "I would cut my right arm before I let a tear fall from your beautiful eyes"...women everywhere would swoon.'


I swooned at everything Cary Elwes said in that movie anyways :D /hijack



A friend of mine was married once to a guy who ragged her about her thigh length hair, and then finally grabbed it and cut it off without her permission. THEN, after she went to a salon and had it styled, said, "You know, I don't like it."


I actually cried when I read this. How heartbreaking for her :(


My husband likes long hair within certain parameters- between BSL and tailbone is fine with him, longer than that he's not completely sold on the idea because then it's "strangely long". However he's completely supportive of whatever I want. So classic it is.

Grow with me :D My DBF said almost the exact thing.


Something occurred to me in reading the OP and all the following posts...were the OP and the other thread respondents talking/complaining about their hair to their respective SO's?

I do talk about my hair with my BF - and we talk about his hair too. We talk about everything that we hold interest in, and he knows that my hair has become a loved hobby :) He has helped me comb it, helped me pick out new toys, and has lovingly shampooed and conditioned my hair in the shower. He knows all about LHC and waits to hear about what I'm laughing at. :) I often ask his opinion on things, like hairstyles, lengths or toys, and he responds with honesty.

Thought: This thread has been a really eye-opening study on relationships and how words can be read from one person to another. I love the dynamics on this board - the differing opinions and thoughts. We are all here for the love of hair, but I do think that we're all here too because of the heart and knowledge that everyone possesses. This is a "community" in every sense of the word in that people agree to disagree, and rather like a town hall meeting where thoughts are expressed with passion. I love this board! :heartbeat

[Für immer]

everyone should have whatever hair style they want

[Bene]

i'm reading these new things about compromise.... and i'm still all wow about it. like COMPROMISE??? are you kidding me? there is no compromise about my hair. i can't fathom the NERVE of someone thinking the length i keep my hair is something to be negotiated. my b/f likes comic books (yes, i know he's a grown man... ) i would never think to tell him to cut back on reading them as a compromise. my b/f is supportive. he's my hair sponsor (i turn to him when i'm having an urge to cut), he listens patiently when i tell him the boring details of my current hair projects, he loves my hair because i love it. if i were in the mindset to keep it short, he would be the one to remind me when my next haircut is scheduled.


yeah, i totally agree that a relationship is made of compromises and communication, but i also believe that some things are off limits.

[Reiko]

My guy loves long hair! and he hates short hair. Which is just fine for me cause I like longer hair too. So he is all for growing my hair out which is awesome cause thats what I'm trying to do

[GlebeGirl]

Basically, it's not about vanity, and I think it's a mistake to pin that label on anyone not saying they'd cut if their spouse or partner asked. It's about discovering that someone who is supposed to be loving you for who you are wants to change something cosmetic about you and thinks it's OK to push for it even knowing you might not be comfortable with it. That sounds unhealthy, and a bit less than loving.


Maybe that's the difference. My hair is not who I am. If it were, that would be pretty darn sad IMO.

Oops, that's not what I said. My point is that if someone loves you for WHO you are, they won't find things like hair length or weight or clothing style important enough to try to change if you yourself are happy and confident with your appearance.

[Carolyn]

I think it all comes down to the question of whether or not you are the kind of person to give your SO a big HELL NO. I am and I make no apologies for it. Of course I will compromise and even give in on some things. Would I do that with my hair? HELL NO. I think we all know what we are comfortable with saying hell no to and what we would compromise with. It's OK to do either one. It's all in your personal comfort zone.

[GlebeGirl]

I think it all comes down to the question of whether or not you are the kind of person to give your SO a big HELL NO. I am and I make no apologies for it. Of course I will compromise and even give in on some things. Would I do that with my hair? HELL NO. I think we all know what we are comfortable with saying hell no to and what we would compromise with. It's OK to do either one. It's all in your personal comfort zone.

So true! And our SOs? Know we're the HELL NO type as well, so it probably wouldn't come as any surprise to them, either. And they're OK with that. :twisted:

[deko]

I'm a fortunate one, my DBF likes long hair. If he didn't it would make no difference :D He would just have to cope with it.

[Carolyn]

So true! And our SOs? Know we're the HELL NO type as well, so it probably wouldn't come as any surprise to them, either. And they're OK with that. :twisted:Mine is clueless as to the hair thing but would expect a HELL NO on a lot of topics :gabigrin: and believe me in over 30 years he's heard a lot of hell no's :p

[joyful373]

My hubby likes my hair long, and has stopped me from cutting on many occasions. However, if I wanted to have shorter hair I know he would support my decision and still love me anyway :). I know how much it makes him smile to see my hair down on special occasions and that makes me happy :)

[Tap Dancer]

I think it all comes down to the question of whether or not you are the kind of person to give your SO a big HELL NO. I am and I make no apologies for it.

I don't have a SO, but I'm definitely a HELL NO girl. :p LOL

[Carolyn]

I don't have a SO, but I'm definitely a HELL NO girl. :p LOL:hifive: Maybe we need a social group for HELL NO girls? :gabigrin: (just kidding people)

[Pixna]

:hifive: Maybe we need a social group for HELL NO girls? :gabigrin: (just kidding people)

Ah, what the hell, count me in! And nobody better say HELL NO! :wigtongue

[hairymonster]

I'm also lucky that D-BF likes my hair long, which has prevented me from getting pixiefied a couple of times. When my hair was past the superlong stage, he did ask me a few times to cut back to a more "normal" length, but never pressed the issue. And I never did cut my hair because he asked me to, even though I am not really try not to be a HELL NO girl.

[Stevy]

The only reason I'd cut my hair for my husband would be if he turned out to be allergic to it. Fortunately that hasn't happened yet. ;)

[GlennaGirl]

I only "hell no" when it comes to certain things. Other things I'm flexible on. I don't tend to think it's my way or the highway, but OTOH I CAN'T see "proving" anything by changing something physical about myself for my mate. I've tried it. It doesn't work. And it's also an odd thing to ask for...IMO.

If my husband needed some of my bone marrow, I'd gladly go through the painful procedure to give it. But if he asked me to cut off parts of myself just because it's his "preference"? That's not a sacrifice or a good deed, in my eyes. It's just weird.

I have in fact cut based on thinking that my DH preferred my hair shorter. It didn't feel right, it didn't feel logical and it put a gap between myself and my DH as I kept wondering, What's wrong with me as me, the way I like to present myself?

So, "hell no" in some cases, flexibility in others. :) I guess I can't join the HN group but maybe I can stick my toe in the water!!

[Speedbump]

I have long hair, have almost always had long hair, and it's not negotiable. I am pretty laid back about a lot of things, but I think it's perfectly fine to have some dealbreaker boundaries. It just means that someone who wants me to have short hair should accept I won't cut. Alternatively, they can simply not start a serious relationship with me in the first place.

I realize I am in a different situation from the OP, but even if I wasn't my feelings about my hair are the same. For things involving my body, it really is my way or the highway. That doesn't mean I won't take suggestions or listen to preferences, but in the end it's up to me and me alone because it is me who must ultimately live with the consequences. :)

[joyellen]

My BF plans to grow his hair to tailbone length, so he doesn't have much room to talk :p But when I decided to grow my hair long I asked him if he'd like that, and luckily he said, "do whatever makes you happy, it's your hair."

[Pixna]

"do whatever makes you happy, it's your hair."

From my perspective, THAT is what someone who truly loves you would say! :cheer:

[Fairlight63]

It has been interesting to read all the replies! Thank You for them!

I never ask my husband for his opinion about my hair. I would not do that because I would be afraid of his answer. That it would be something that I didn't want to hear, :mad:.
His requests just come out of the blue. Like, one time I was on the computer & he said that I needed to cut my hair. He says that it makes me look old. I told him that I am old, I am 63. I asked him what hairstyle that he likes & he said "Dorthy Hamel style" (UCK!, that would look AWFUL on me!)
Another time we was in Walgreens & I said that I wanted to look at their wide tooth combs to detangle my hair when I wash it. He said that I need to cut it off, that he would take me to the salon to get it cut. I told him "NO". I think that surprised him because I am usually just his little door mat & does what ever he wants, but I don't want to give in this time. I have had it long before & cut it off because he didn't like it, but I don't want to this time. I try not to even bring up the hair topic to him. He doesn't harp on it all of the time just ever once in a while he says something out of the blue, kind of half joking or something, but it makes me feel bad.

That one about the lady that had her hair down to her thigh & her husband got the sissors & cut off her hair sounds like something that my husband might do if my hair got that long.


You guys are so lucky to have husbands that love your hair long! and will brush it for you & you can trust them to give you a trim. That is ONE thing that I would NOT ask my husband to do, I would come out with my hair cut up to my ears :mad:

[DragonLady]

He doesn't harp on it all of the time just ever once in a while he says something out of the blue, kind of half joking or something, but it makes me feel bad.

Does he do this with other things? Your clothes, your music or your movies, your relatives?

Finding a "just joking" way to always make you feel like your just not quite...whatever. Like you just missed the mark somewhere.

Making you feel bad about your appearance or your choices is just a way of controlling you. And that's just not good -no matter your age, or how long you've been together, if you aren't "right" in his eyes, than it might be time to be out of his sight.

[Fairlight63]

No, not really. He likes my relatives, what is left of them, I only have 1 sister left.
Music - I like Christian music, he doesn't complain about that except if it is too slow or something & he is driving , he will say that it is putting him to sleep.
Movies - I like ones that are more Family orintated. He will watch them if they have some action to them. He likes ones that are more "blood & guts" and "shoot em up" types, if they get too bad I leave, I can't take that.
My clothes - he likes them OK. Sometimes he will say that I look good when we are going out.
We will have been married for 41 yrs. this yr. We get along good. We don't "fight" over the hair issue, I just let him say his piece - then do what I want.

[dulce-de-leche]

My hubby likes long hair but I've always like long hair too so it's to please both of us :)

[enitsirk]

I would. To some extent at least- it would depend on exactly what he wanted. I would at least give it strong consideration and try compromise if possible. I want to my boyfriend to find me sexually attractive and hair is part of that. But I'd make him think about it first, 2 week rule applies to everyone :p

My hair was around shoulder length when I first met my boyfriend.

When I joined LHC and started thinking about really long hair (and by this I mean classic to thigh, which were the lengths I was looking at and going for when I joined) he told me it would be weird. He didn't want me to do it but he didn't tell me not to.

And now he loves my long hair and says I look better with it and gripes whenever I say I want to cut it.

However, I did cut my hair in October and he didn't mind at all. I had talked about it for ages and he would complain that he likes it long and didn't want it short. Mind you I was talking about cutting from fingertip to hip so apparently having a girlfriend that is a part of LHC has brainwashed him to thinking hip is short :lol: But I stopped asking his opinion and just went and got it cut without telling him and all was well.

So, that's another thing- if he claims he likes short hair on you 'better' but has never known anything else, make him at least give it a chance.

Really a lot of this is going to depend on the dynamic of your relationship, and it does all boil down to "Do what makes you happy." For some people that would be doing things for the sake of their SO and for some that is blasphemy.

[ladiosaRosa]

Never.

type type type to lengthen the post

[Coriander]

That one about the lady that had her hair down to her thigh & her husband got the sissors & cut off her hair sounds like something that my husband might do if my hair got that long.


You guys are so lucky to have husbands that love your hair long! and will brush it for you & you can trust them to give you a trim. That is ONE thing that I would NOT ask my husband to do, I would come out with my hair cut up to my ears :mad:

This makes me so sad ... :grouphug: You should never feel that any part of you is unacceptable by your spouse. :( You need to feel loved as a complete person and be made to feel that you're beautiful inside and out.

[Carolyn]

I never ask my husband for his opinion about my hair. I would not do that because I would be afraid of his answer. That it would be something that I didn't want to hear, :mad:.
His requests just come out of the blue. Like, one time I was on the computer & he said that I needed to cut my hair. He says that it makes me look old. I told him that I am old, I am 63. I asked him what hairstyle that he likes & he said "Dorthy Hamel style" (UCK!, that would look AWFUL on me!)
Another time we was in Walgreens & I said that I wanted to look at their wide tooth combs to detangle my hair when I wash it. He said that I need to cut it off, that he would take me to the salon to get it cut. I told him "NO". I think that surprised him because I am usually just his little door mat & does what ever he wants, but I don't want to give in this time. I have had it long before & cut it off because he didn't like it, but I don't want to this time. I try not to even bring up the hair topic to him. He doesn't harp on it all of the time just ever once in a while he says something out of the blue, kind of half joking or something, but it makes me feel bad.
This is so sad. Maybe for you "the line in the sand" has been drawn. Don't give in and don't let him have the power of making you feel bad.

Next time when you are going to get something for your hair, don't mention it to him You said you told him you were going to get a detangling comb. Letting him know that gave him and opportunity to belittle you and your hair growing efforts. Next time don't say what you are going to look for. Just do it. Or better yet shop for your hair things when you are by yourself.

I too envy the women here who have hair growing support from their SO's. I've come to realize my hair is for me and I don't need to share it. It's perfectly fine to have separate interests in a relationship. You couldn't pay me enough to play golf or go fishing :rolleyes:

[GlebeGirl]

I only "hell no" when it comes to certain things. Other things I'm flexible on. I don't tend to think it's my way or the highway, but OTOH I CAN'T see "proving" anything by changing something physical about myself for my mate. I've tried it. It doesn't work. And it's also an odd thing to ask for...IMO.

If my husband needed some of my bone marrow, I'd gladly go through the painful procedure to give it. But if he asked me to cut off parts of myself just because it's his "preference"? That's not a sacrifice or a good deed, in my eyes. It's just weird.

Oh, my goodness, yes! I see the 'hell no' as a humourous response, honestly, that just underscores the type of personality that doesn't consider their personal appearance as something to be decided by another person. OF COURSE I'd donate my blood, marrow or anything else my SO needed (have a kidney! Here's a lung! That liver will regrow! Take half!)

He'd need that, and it would benefit both of us. Nobody 'needs' another person to cut their hair for the well being of someone else.

[GlennaGirl]

He'd need that, and it would benefit both of us. Nobody 'needs' another person to cut their hair for the well being of someone else.

Precisely, this is the crux of it, IMO!!! Well said.

[DragonLady]

Oh, my goodness, yes! I see the 'hell no' as a humourous response, honestly, that just underscores the type of personality that doesn't consider their personal appearance as something to be decided by another person. OF COURSE I'd donate my blood, marrow or anything else my SO needed (have a kidney! Here's a lung! That liver will regrow! Take half!)

He'd need that, and it would benefit both of us. Nobody 'needs' another person to cut their hair for the well being of someone else.


Yes!!! Exactly. I'd happily give my DH an eye or a kidney or even a butt cheek. But cut my hair? How on Earth would that benefit anything except his personal taste?

If my hair actually posed some physical threat or was somehow beneficial to him shorter, than that would be a matter up for discussion.

But ultimately my looks only have to make me happy, I don't need to decorate any world except my own, and my preferences for my own body/hair/personal habits/whatever win.

[Trinka]

OK ... never had a fellow in my life, so it's all a bit abstract for me ...

But I think my significant other's preference would be one of many factors I would consider in how I chose to wear my hair.

If he liked short hair, that might not be enough of a reason for me to cut it, but it would be one additional item on the "pro" list when I listed the "pros and cons".

And I would hope he would take the same attitude if I had a dislike for facial hair, or blue t-shirts, or whatever ...

[Nat242]

Yes!!! Exactly. I'd happily give my DH an eye or a kidney or even a butt cheek. But cut my hair? How on Earth would that benefit anything except his personal taste?

If my hair actually posed some physical threat or was somehow beneficial to him shorter, than that would be a matter up for discussion.

But ultimately my looks only have to make me happy, I don't need to decorate any world except my own, and my preferences for my own body/hair/personal habits/whatever win.

Yes!

Fairlight, it concerns me that you can't trust your husband, and that you believe he would violate you by cutting your hair against your will if you gave him the opportunity. I feel for you, and I hope you're okay. :flowers:

[Fairlight63]

Hi Nat242 Thank you for your concern.
I am OK :), he would NEVER hurt me. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He tells me all the time that he loves me, gives me Valentines Day cards, Mothers Day cards, Christ. presents, etc. He is very thoughtful & shows me that he loves me. He would do just about anything for me, I believe.
It is just the hair issue. He hasn't said anything about my hair in a few weeks, maybe he has given up that I will cut it. (I hope!)

[flapjack]

My boyfriend knows I would silently laugh at him if he told me to cut my hair. He can suggest things and give his opinion about my hair when I ask for his opinion and I will listen to it, consider his advice and decide myself whether to take it or not. I don't demand that he does anything in particular with his hair and he does the same for me.

[tooqute2nv]

Hmm, I find this amusing. I loooove long hair, and I want to grow mine longer than it is at, like to waist length, but my fiance probably would actually want me to have it LONGER than this. lol So, while I love "long" hair, he loves "longer" hair. lol..Just to express my opinion, he isn't getting "longer" hair. lol Though, he agreed to help brush it, which is sweet. ^_~!*

[eadwine]

I am just curious to know are there any ladies who keep their hair in a certain way to please their S.O.?
My DH likes my hair short (chin length) but I am not wanting to cut my hair (short is too much work). I want it long (BSL) for more styling options.
So if your S.O. wanted you to cut your hair would you do it?
Nope, and never.

I am pretty clear cut on that: It is my body, my hair, and I get to decide what to do with it, and no-one else has a say in the matter.

[Starr]

If your DH wants to see you with short hair, then buy a wig. In fact, buy several wigs in different lengths and colors- you could have a different look every night.;) And then surprise him by asking if he'd like to see you as a blond, brunette, redhead, or raven haired vixen.:eyebrows: He'll drop the issue, you keep your hair.

You're happy, he's happy. . . everybody wins.

[winter_star]

Fortunately for my he loves long hair... especially on me! He would never tell me how he would prefer for me to wear or cut my hair and if he ever did, I wouldn't listen.

[paper]

Hi Nat242 Thank you for your concern.
I am OK :), he would NEVER hurt me. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. He tells me all the time that he loves me, gives me Valentines Day cards, Mothers Day cards, Christ. presents, etc. He is very thoughtful & shows me that he loves me. He would do just about anything for me, I believe.
It is just the hair issue. He hasn't said anything about my hair in a few weeks, maybe he has given up that I will cut it. (I hope!)

Does your DH like your hair when you wear it up? Maybe wearing it up with a pretty hair toy and face framing layers would be a good compromise?

My Mom hates long hair, so I don't give her a chance to say anything. I wear it up when I'm around her and she actually compliments me on it!

[DMARTINEZ]

I have to admit I might cut my hair if he asked me to. BUT, Im pretty sure he would never
do that. He really trusts me to have my hair however I want and to make myself look
the best I can with my long hair.I wear it up most the time so that could be a factor.
I have to wonder about men that constantly dictate to their wives about how they
should wear their hair and how they should dress....are they wishing that you look
like someone else???? Its just strange to me.

Deb

[kdaniels8811]

My initial response to this question (responded in an earlier post) was an emphatic "HELL, NO!!" then I started thinking about why I felt that way! I think if someone is trying to tell you how to dress, wear you hair, think, then it is a very unhealthy controlling relationship. I was married and divorced from one of those types. Never again.

I asked my SO last night if he minded me wearing my hair up (day 91!) and he said he did not even notice, I am beautiful however I wear it (awwwwww...). Then he told me his grandmother had floor length hair and she would let him braid the very end once in a while. So he likes long hair. I am glad because I am going for waist and beyond.

We should wear our hair to please ourselves and someone who loves us will accept us the way we are. Just my rant...

[Soniasonia]

My DH would kill me if I ever cut it!

[AmandaPanda]

I had a bf once who made some comment about my long hair (something about it being like a little girl's), which at the time was a bit past my waist. He would mention having it cut. It was obvious to me that he didn't like it. After giving it some thought for two weeks, I decided to cut it to my shoulders (it was damaged, and I wanted my natural color back). Before I had it cut, he asked if I was going to "chicken out"

I don't think I would have done this if he hadn't expressed so much distaste for it.

Even after I cut it, he grumbled when I had to put it up in a ponytail to keep it out of my face and off my neck when we went hiking

There was so much he tried to control. He didn't like my long nails (which really aren't very long), didn't like my earrings, and obviously didn't like my long hair (which is very weird since he had long hair before we met - he cut it because his grandmother offered him $100 to do so). I think he was ultimately trying to defemitize (is that a word?) me. He made comments about my weight too

My current love interest has long hair himself, loves my hair, nails and everything else as far as I know.

So with all of this being said, I would NEVER change who I am (who they met) for anyone ever again

[Johanna]

My ex was always telling me I should cut my hair, thankfully I had a stubborn mind, and I was visiting LHC every now and then. Everyones long repunzel hair here saved my own.

I'm so happy my partner loves my long hair, he likes to brush it while we watch tv......also he seems to like to sit on it half the time too lol.
We were having a conversation about his hair length preferences on women, he actually told me that this first time he ever saw me (8 months ago) he saw me from behind. I had my hair down, he told me his first reaction to seeing me was 'Wow, she has beautiful hair'....then I turned around and he ran off screaming...lol jk. But yes, it was so sweet.

[GlennaGirl]

I think he was ultimately trying to defemitize (is that a word?) me.

Yes, I would say almost certainly yes. (Did I mention "yes"?) It sounds (though I don't know him, obviously, so this is just a suggestion) that he was afraid of anyone else going for you, since his bad treatment was almost certain to push you away. If he was able to make you feel really horrible about yourself, but be what he thought was subtle about it, then you'd be afraid to leave him b/c you'd be convinced nobody else would have you.

There are some weird people in this world. And some really insecure ones. B/c girlfriend, you are LOVELY. And sure shoot so is your hair!!