Was F*tish Encounter Handled Right? Opinions!

[WaimeaWahine]

Ok so I shop at this one store and know all the guys. I don't flirt or wear makeup - just there to shop and sometimes talk with a guy we'll call Bob.

So anyhow a new guy started working there. Let's call him Steve. Trying to be kind here: physically and mentally this person was a definate no for me. Right away Steve wanted to know my name and get real chatty any time he saw me. It was obvious he was interested.

Every time he saw me he tried to chat me up. One night Bob asks me what's going on between me and Steve! I admit knowing he was into me and do the "why what have you heard" thing. Apparently Steve had been going on and on about me and my hair (details omitted here) to his co-workers. So much so that they felt he was obsessed and probably has a ******.

You can't alter your life for every person who has issues, so shopping in hats and avoidance was out. Steve again last week to chat me up while one of the co-workers looked at me in sympathy. :( It was crowded and I wanted to get the point across without embarassing him or having him skew the truth. I wrote a note and handed it to him - unfortunately others were around and always are.

The note just said I wasn't interested in him and to please leave me alone with an awkward "thanks" tacked on. Now, word is the guys aren't sure what to think but Mr. ****** complained to them all week long over the "incident" and it became one big drama. Good grief!

Did I do the right thing? Would you have handled it differently? Why? Male forum members are encouraged to respond.

[Heavenly Locks]

I worked in an industry that often handled men like this. (details please PM) If you are not interested in having any more than a casual/aqquaintance relationship with this person...being FLAT out is the best. There are no mixed words or signals and the only thing the poor fellow can do is complain. More often than not, being too nice is a mistake. :o I'm sorry he made you feel uncomfortable.

[BranwenWolf]

Do something NOW before it gets worse. I'm glad you were blunt. Hopefully it works.
I wish I would have been firm when I was harassed for months and months. (yes, him repeatedly bothering you is harassment)

[WaimeaWahine]

I worked in an industry that often handled men like this. (details please PM) If you are not interested in having any more than a casual/aqquaintance relationship with this person...being FLAT out is the best. There are no mixed words or signals and the only thing the poor fellow can do is complain. More often than not, being too nice is a mistake. :o I'm sorry he made you feel uncomfortable.

That's what worried me. If you say you've got a boyfriend then they'll figure they can bide their time. It's also human to think that just because someone tells you that you aren't their type that you can become their type or win them over. lol

Nice was out. Direct was in. Sigh.

[Angellen]

You have my sympathy. Being flat out is best, but I understand how difficult and awkward it is, especially when you encounter folks who just don't get it. :grouphug:

[Dez]

I think being direct was good. I also think that giving him a letter instead of saying it where other people could hear and be involved was better. He would have been more embarassed and possibly angry i think.

[RancheroTheBee]

I think you did the right thing. I'm also quite proud of you for being so direct with him. I worked with someone who did something similar for different reasons, and the only thing that works is being firm.

[KiwiLiz]

I think it was the best possible way you could have handled it, there really is no point in being nice. You could also make it clear to his co-workers that you aren't interested in this person, it wouldn't be helpful if they were egging him on, although it sounds like they know how you feel.

[Jeni]

If it continues I would talk to a manager, let them know that this man makes you uncomfortable. Let them know you don't necessarily want him fired (unless you do) but would like it be known he should stay away from you unless he can act in a professional manor. Also apparently he needs to be told directly (use small words) to leave you the %^$# alone. Who cares if he is upset, he will live. I assume the other guys working there are your friends and have seen the way he acts?

You did nothing wrong and have tried to be as nice as you can! You have nothing to feel bad about. You have the right to shop there unharnessed by skeezy little boys.

[Kuchen]

I think you did the right thing. He's a little wounded now, so of course he's going to complain.

[Alun]

There is no easy way to let men down. Even when women try to be kind it is still awful. I was going to say tell one of his co-workers, but it sounds like you had already done that.

You asked for the male perspective, so I tried to think of some nice way you could have done this, but I don't think there is one.

[DragonLady]

There is no easy way to let men down. Even when women try to be kind it is still awful.

I agree. My husband had to teach me that one. I had a stalker-type for over 20 years, because I tried to be nice and polite and decline him in friendly ways. He just got more and more insistent and more and more determined.

Finally, my DH told me that I would have to be direct, firm, to-the-point, and maybe downright harsh. It hurt me to have to do it -the guy was harmless- but I finally had to. I just looked him the eye and told him that I would never want him. I thought he was going to start bawling; and honestly, I was a bit afraid he would go do something stupid. But, he got over it and now he leaves me be. I'm sorry it had to go as far as it did, but am glad I finally put it behind me.

[WaimeaWahine]

Thank you all for your comments and support. It's greatly appreciated.

If it was just me he had been interested in maybe I wouldn't have been so freaked out but he had been going on and on about my hair... I actually had started hiding it under a hat which is bad because its a blaming the victim type of mentality. My hair is innocent! lol

[SHELIAANN1969]

You have done your best to be kind, if he starts in again, I would definately tell management and you have his co workers to back up what's been going on.

This is just completely unacceptable, I wonder how many others he will be harrassing if they have long hair? ickky. :puke:

I hope he cuts the nonsense. :flower:

[Pierre]

I think you did it right. If he keeps on trying to chat you up, try talking to the manager. Or, if you're married, and his schedule allows it, come in one day with your husband.

[kdaniels8811]

Congratulations for having the courage to stand up to him. The written note was a very nice touch, I feel. I have been where you are and now that you have made it clear how you feel, the next step is to ignore him or be icely polite when he speaks to you and turn away. His ego is bruised - oh well! And I also agree that speaking to the manager is a good idea, he is acting in a manner that reflects badly on the shop. You have done what you can, keep your chin up. And do not feel bad about being attractive or having beautiful hair. His reaction is his problem, not yours.

[nmarie33]

Honestly, I have dealt with creeper guys before and I found the only way to get your point across is to be brutally up-front. You might hurt his feelings, but guess what - he probably wasn't thinking too much about your feelings, just being creepy and obsessive.

One time I had a guy who would not leave me alone, and I tried all the standard "let him down easy" stuff. He finally left me alone when I flat-out said, "We will NEVER date, and I don't want to see you anywhere near me again. LEAVE NOW!"

It sucks and makes you feel like a bitch, but I'd rather feel like a bitch than get stalked by a weirdo. You did the right thing, and probably more nicely than I would have!

Women need to remember that being safe and not feeling intimidated or uncomfortable are more important than being nice.

[Coriander]

Ohhh I definitely think you did the right thing by being blunt with him. You were kind to do it through a note and not in front of his colleagues. I'm sorry this happened to you.

On a stalker note, I've been there. I've even had to ask male friends to pretend to be my bf/husband when we go shopping. I've also reported people to management, and have even called the police (I worked with the guy).

I hope this all blows over soon, he gets over it, and you're able to continue shopping at your favorite store without feeling uncomfortable.

:flower:

[chrissy-b]

You handled it very nicely, IMO. I haven't been in your exact situation but I've had to tell people, honestly (and more often than not brutally) exactly why I am not interested. Some people just won't take "No" as a good enough answer, they also want to know "why." Unfortunately, for them I am a little too honest.

Like someone else mentioned, being too nice is often the wrong way to go. I've done this and have always ended up having to be more direct and sometimes cruel down the road. Make it clear that you have no interest, make it blunt, and make it quick...like pulling off a band-aid. I much prefer to be treated this way rather than the kind aversion technique that keeps me hoping there's still a chance.

[Demetrue]

Find out from your friend what days the creepy guy doesn't work there - try to shop when you know he's not in the store.

[Tap Dancer]

If he bothers you again, tell the manager. You're the customer. The staff isn't supposed to make you feel uncomfortable.

[justgreen]

You did the right thing. I've been hiding from a stalker (ex bf) for over seven years now. That's one reason why you won't find me on facebook under my real name.

*hi-jack*
OMG I jst saw de teef in this post
*end hi-jack*

[BranwenWolf]

Whoa- wait, I must have missed it the first time- this is a store?? Are you me!?

I had a problem with this at the natural grocer and I avoided the place for a few weeks. Right when I made up my mind to confront the creep he stopped bothering me.

But yes to what others said- please tell the manager. If I were a manager I'd want to know if my own employees were freaking customers out.

[Tap Dancer]

*hi-jack*
OMG I jst saw de teef in this post
*end hi-jack*

*hi-jack*
And I can whiten them for under $10!!!!! :D
*end hi-jack*

LOL

[angelthadiva]

I like the direct approach, you can be direct and firm and not be mean.

*I* wouldn't have taken the time to write a note, I would have been more like..."Can I talk to you for a minute?" Looked him in the eye and told him that I was not interested. *I* wouldn't have brought other people into the exchange...You don't want to give his male co-irkers ammo to be fueling this obsession...Like "wooo, she gave you a note!" :joy:

I'd avoid him, and not initiate ANY conversations with him. If by chance you bump into him and HE initiates, answer politely, but do not engage in full blown convo w/him. He's the type that doens't need much encouragement. If the creepy weirdo behavior continues, report him.

[james_boring]

Did I do the right thing? Would you have handled it differently? Why? Male forum members are encouraged to respond.

1- Try to develop your intuition, so that in the future, you can start ignoring him before he gets any wrong ideas.

2- I sort of question Bob's motives. Why would he question your interest in Steve? Why would he create so much drama at his workplace? Did he really think you liked Bob, or was he hoping you'd do exactly what you did?

[Darkhorse1]

Smart lady. You did exactly what you should have. Stopped it before it became a problem. You aren't in charge of his emotions. If he's hurt, he'll live. he's a big boy. It's best you stopped any more delusions in his mind at the beginning, rather than trying to be 'polite'.

You were firm, up front and respectful of his feelings. That's all you need to be. Well done and hopefully you can shop without any problems now. If that continues, I'd speak to the manager about this.

[MadPirateBippy]

I worked in an industry that often handled men like this. (details please PM) If you are not interested in having any more than a casual/aqquaintance relationship with this person...being FLAT out is the best. There are no mixed words or signals and the only thing the poor fellow can do is complain. More often than not, being too nice is a mistake. :o I'm sorry he made you feel uncomfortable.

I worked in an industry also like this. Yes, being too nice is a mistake. They take nice as a hint to keep going, that they have a chance.

Firm is good. No is good. Smiling and being nice? Interpreted as interest.

[DecafJane]

I think you did the right thing, and handled it well. Giving it to him in writing left no room for misinterpreting what you said, and the note will be there in case he wants to change his memory of what happened.
I'm guessing he had an image of what would happen and how it would be, and the reality wrecked this, insulted his ego, and that is why he is angry.
I'm proud of your excellent boundary-setting. Well done. :)