View Full Version : Something a friend said that kinda hurt about my hair

January 14th, 2009, 08:50 AM
Hey all! I have seen some of you post things on here about people saying different things and having opinions about your hair and such... I have for the most part have only gotten positive encouragement.

Last night though was a little different. I was commenting about how I liked my friend's hair and glad that she was growing it out. I told her I thought it looked healthy and thick, and looked better one length. That it looked really good.

Then I told her that I was growing out my hair as well... and she looked at me and said, "yeah, but you'll probably end up cutting it again, like you always do.." or something like that, and also," I like you with short hair..."

Normally these kind of comments don't bother me as people have their own opinions and are entitled to them, but I could discern where these comments were coming from. I felt that she didn't want me to have my hair long because she had her hair long and that if I had long hair somehow she wouldn't have the upper hand on me anymore...(look wise)... just really weird stuff...

I'm the kind of person that wants everyone to succeed and look their best and think this competitive stuff between girls needs to stop! It really made me kind of hurt and sad she would say this.. Anyways, just thought I'd share. What do you all think?

Have a good day! God bless

January 14th, 2009, 08:58 AM
She shouldn't have said that, that's for sure. But I agree that now that I have long(ish) hair and that I pay so much attention to it, those kind of comments can be more hurtful than before.

Luckily, I couldn't care less what other people (those that are neither so close nor important to me) think or say about me. It's just the way I am.

So yeah, all you need to do IMO is continue to do what you think is right regardless of what others have to say about that.

January 14th, 2009, 09:02 AM
Well, you'll just have to stick with growing your hair out long and lovely and prove her skepticism wrong.

I've gotten comments too from co-workers that they liked my hair short. But really, my hair is long to please myself.

January 14th, 2009, 09:07 AM
I think it's extremely annoying to have the competition factor, and I have to deal with it too, as a mom. I know for a fact that there are several moms who take it personally that my hair is longer than theirs...and it makes me think of high school all over again, when mine was nearly knee-length, and I would get catty comments all the time from girls who were growing their hair long too. It's like, instead of getting to be supportive and kind of a mentor for other women who grow their hair out long, I am constantly on the defensive, and fielding stupid comments like "Are you going to donate your hair to locks of love? I'm thinking about it, you really should too." I can't stand the whole competitive thing, and it's really stupid and silly! But it doesn't go away when you're older.

And yeah, I think you just notice stuff like that more, the more interest you take in your own hair. It's frustrating when you're happy with your looks and your decisions, but other people are not. It's possible she does feel threatened by the fact that you might eventually get longer hair than her. LOL, I would take it as a compliment that she sees you as some sort of competition. It's not right to look at it that way, I know, but if she's putting you in that position, what can you really do? :confused: Just do what makes you happy, and eventually when you don't cut your hair back (the way you always do), she'll shut up! :D

January 14th, 2009, 09:08 AM
It must be hurtful , but take it possitively. Maybe your hair was too good enough for her and she was just jealous of it to pass such remark ,and as the saying goes (and I do hope I'm saying it correctly) jealousy is a form of flattery :toast:

January 14th, 2009, 09:12 AM
Not hearing the tone of voice and all, it sounds relatively innocent to me. I remember when I first declared that I was growing my hair out (after many-many-many spontaneous short hair cuts) somebody said something similar to me. People had come to expect it of me and were used to seeing my hair short. But I've been growing it for a good 7 years now and it is passing tailbone, so who gets the last laugh? (not that anybody was laughing)

January 14th, 2009, 09:14 AM
What everyone else said and maybe she was just having a catty/pms moment or something. One of my ex-friends said "when are you going to chop off that mop?". I said "when it stops looking great". That shut her up real fast. She is one who chopped her hair ridiculously short and always looked like a man. We are no longer friends for other reasons.
You should just do what you want, forget what other people say, and be happy. It took me a long time to realize my own happiness was more important than what anyone else said or thought.

January 14th, 2009, 09:16 AM
Know what this kind of made me think of? A skinny friend telling an overweight friend that she doesn't need to lose weight (when maybe, even for her health's sake, she might).
I don't want to say that your friend is being competitive when I don't know her, but there is that chance. And of course, like many others have said, it's what *you* think that matters.
I wouldn't be too hard on her though. Once your hair is long and she sees that nothing in your friendship has changed, she'll get over it. :D

January 14th, 2009, 09:56 AM
Ugh. The competition game. My mother played that with the mothers of two of my friends. While (according to my mom) I was hands down the smartest of the three (I don't know if she compared my IQ scores or if she meant by having the sense not to be competitive with the other two girls like all the moms including her was), I was also the "least successful" in that I didn't do a lot of stereotypically successful crap (like 4.0 GPA or military school or what). Of the three of us, I was the ONLY one who got along with both girls just fine. The other two girls hated each other and were hyper competitive with each other.

Most of my friends are the laid back sort (as am I, but I can be prone to being hypercompetitive, thanks to mom).

I'd bet real money her unpleasant comment was of a competitive nature, and maybe akin to mouth diarrhea (for lack of a better phrase). It may have been meant innocently (for instance, have you said you'd grow it before only to chop it?) without having realized the implications of what she said (which goes back to the concept of mouth diarrhea).

heidi w.
January 14th, 2009, 10:04 AM
Here is my position in such a situation.

1. Her comment, opinion really, doesn't change your goals.

2. Her comment MIGHT change the relationship -- especially if it's really true there's some kind of beauty competition going on .... which does occur between women, sometimes.

3. It's easiest to ignore the whole thing though, and not allow yourself to be upset by it. It's just not worth it.

When I was younger, I too was way more easily upset by such commentary and, more than likely, my sensibility of the feeling tone of such an exchange. That's what you're really saying. For you, the issue isn't so much WHAT was stated; rather, the TONE, the TENOR, of the feeling behind the statement. You picked up on some kind of beauty contest or something along those lines, some kind of derogatory comment about your attractiveness level within the framework of the relationship.

The deal is this in life:
Try to focus on what you want your life to be about.

If you want to be about positive, and supportive relationships, then be about that. IF a person comes into your purview that doesn't share this value or world view, then perhaps a re-evaluation of the merits of the friendship are in order. That is your decision to make.

My mother taught me a little trick. Sometimes the best thing to do is pretend something didn't happen and don't react, respond or give it the time of day. Act as if nothing happened.

This way the smaller things in life fall by the wayside, and we don't spend overly much time on smaller irritations and annoyances. Not everything needs to be discussed, attended to, nor brought to the surface.

I like my mother's technique and use it often enough, depending on the situation. This situation would be a scenario that I would apply it to.

I would do so on the premise that the relationship as a whole is fine, and this other person is relatively a quality person, and ok, so a faux pas in etiquette perhaps -- and well, I respect her opinion that she thinks I look better in X whatever -- so be it. There's no reason to go in and get upset on my own time, really; no reason to challenge her in any way. Just let it be. Act as if nothing happened because there are more important things going on such as I do have her friendship overall, and I can ignore this thing.

That's a thought, anyway. This way, then, you get to do your day and be happy and content. Because, fundamentally, nothing's changed. You're growing your hair, you like your own hair, and that's it. You do not require other people's approval to be content with yourself and your goals.

heidi w.

heidi w.
January 14th, 2009, 10:06 AM
It's so much easier to simply not read anything into it. Us women, especially, (I know I am) tend to overanalyze things and read too much between the lines creating fuss' where there doesn't need to be one.

And even if this were the case, is it really adversely affecting the relationship? IF it is, then, that's a separate matter and this is the frosting, or rose on the cake. But if she's otherwise a fine friend overall, then I'd let it slide.

heidi w.

January 14th, 2009, 10:09 AM
Yes, it sounds like a bit of a competition there and she doens't want to be outshined. I would just ignore her and keep on growing :)

January 14th, 2009, 10:14 AM
I totally know what you mean about being surprised by a competitive vibe from a friend.

I have a friend who recently cut her almost-tailbone length hair up above her shoulders... and then really wanted me to do the same. On multiple occasions I got the idea that she just didn't want me to be the only one with long pretty unique hair. Whenever someone comments on my hair in her vicinity she always (ALWAYS) nudges into the conversation and starts talking about her hair and how it was longer than mine and grows faster etc.

I've decided the friendship is worth it to me (as in, I'm not going to totally ditch her) but I know she and I could never be best friends - and I know to expect that sort of thing from her. I keep things very positive from my end and try to teach her by example. I hope she'll benefit. :)

That sort of thing does take a lot of energy, though, and sometimes it just isn't worth it! Weigh your pros and cons and decide what's best for you.

Above all, realize no one can affect your attitude except *you*. :)

good luck!

January 14th, 2009, 10:24 AM
You are all right! thanks so much! :) I'm just gonna let it go, and move on. This person has in the past multiple times done things competitvely and has had jealousy issues... She one time said she liked my tank top and basically wanted me to take it off my body and give it to her! Talk about feeling really weird! I of course just made fun of it and let it go, but there are things like this from the past that make me hyperaware of her intentions.

I just chalk it up to that she is very very insecure of herself. I don't really hang out with her that much because of other reasons as well, but I will continue to be loving and kind.. that's about all I know to do, and I know it's the right thing to do!:) I should say that she has does have other good qualities, such as being a compassionate person and also very loyal to her friends.. She has gotten better with these other things, I guess it just took me by surprise for some reason.

Well, I"m going to grow my hair out and not let it affect me... Thanks so much for all of your responses. I really appreciate you taking the time to listen and respond. Thanks again!:)

January 14th, 2009, 10:28 AM
i've given this some thought over the years. women and hair. it can turn ugly.

i posted this in another thread (went searching because it's easier to copy and paste than it is to type it all up:

one thing i've noticed about hair cutting... like, back in the day, if i asked male friends if i should cut my hair short, they would all say "no, it looks better long", but if i asked a female friend, they would all say "SURE, go for it, it'll look so cute!!!"

the one female friend who told me not to, i asked her why other chicks would encourage me to cut my hair, she said "because they don't want the competition"


from what your friend said, i don't think it's jealousy or competition about hair length, not in the sense that she wants her hair longer than yours. i think it's passive aggressive. maybe she thinks you're growing your hair so that later on you can become competition? i never mention that i want to grow my hair to friends that have longer hair than i do, for this reason. i don't want them to think that i'm trying to compete with them in some way. i'd be annoyed if someone said "well, my hair will be just as long as/ longer than yours". of course i don't think you said something like that, but sometimes an innocent statement can be twisted into different meanings. and if you've mentioned her hair length before, it's possible that she could've taken it the wrong way.


example (true story), my hair used to be about waist length. (long hair in my family is sort of a big deal, but no one has the discipline to NOT cut it, maybe that's why it's a big deal?) on the rare occasions that i had my hair down my sister would say "oh, your hair is so long" that then turned into "your hair is too long" and it later became "you should cut your hair". i never paid attention to her, i mean, it is my hair after all.

one day, i finally did cut all the way to about nape length. for my own reasons. (it was 3 am, i was bored) when my sister saw my hair, the first thing out of her mouth was "oh, you cut your hair. now mine is longer than yours". it dawned on me that my sister had been trying to get me to cut my hair so that she'd have the longest hair out of all of us. see? petty competition. it's subtle. if i had any idea that she was keeping track of hair length in that way, i never would have cut. in the long run, it doesn't matter. my hair looks better :p


so, long story short, it's possible that your friend misinterpreted your wanting to grow your hair long and, instead of realizing that you're doing it for yourself, she thought your intents were to top her own achievements. she probably got annoyed, and only a woman would know the right words and tones to hurt another woman, and she jabbed at you by pointing out something and making it sound like you're incapable of having the discipline to not cut.

the best thing to do in this situation, i think, is to grow long, healthy, shiny, beautiful, damage-free hair, show it off once in a while, and prove her wrong. :D

January 14th, 2009, 10:33 AM
Playing devil's advocate, but maybe her comment was just based on past experience with you? If you are always cutting your hair once it reaches a certain length, than it's not surprising she would say what she said. And, maybe she does like your hair shorter or the length that it is? If she's never seen it longer because (as she says) you are always cutting it, than how would she have anything to compare it to?

January 14th, 2009, 10:51 AM
Now, I can see for the reasons others have mentioned (my mum's a bit competitive-ish--she started up with comments about cutting some off about when my hair got longer than hers (ever since which she occasionally comes at me with scissors, gah), and I get different comments when I lose weight--never encouraging, but sort of criticisms that just don't make me feel good about myself in general), but, a couple of other thoughts on the comments/what you said just in general:

Have you actually just cut whenever it's gotten longer, or right after/as soon as it got there? If so, that is a valid response, as could be a bit of a 'are you sure your really want to again? I remember how much you disliked that growing out stage,' albiet put in much blunter words. Ie, is she just stating a fact--what you've done in the past?

And if by chance all she's ever seen with you is either short hair or that inbetween hair (where it doesn't necessarily look great on much of anyone!), then it could just be that. Also, there's the 'afraid of something unfamiliar' thing. Ie, she first thinks of you with short hair and just can't imagine it otherwise, regardless, as then it somehow wouldn't be 'you'.

And, in a way, if you're hair is finally getting longer/closer to hers, you could be imagining the competitiveness yourself with trying to analyse the comments. Not saying this is a bad thing, just that sometimes there really isn't more behind something. The paragraph is probably an example of what I'm trying to say--don't over analyse something (or act on it), as it could come off badly! Yeah, the comments are discouraging, and yeah, she has the longer hair that's been longer for such and such, but it really could just be the two above things, especially if you do just cut it right off. I think it's really too soon to tell if there's more behind the words. It's one conversation, right? Again, I think over analysing can be a bad thing.

Now, if you've actually gotten and had longer hair and kept it for more than a few months, especially if her hair is long, but not so long it's unusual (or not fairly easily attainable), then it could certainly not be very nice. Or if she's definitely seen you (or even met you) with longer hair than you have now. Just wanted to point out that the comments could go another way as well -- and they don't have to be exclusive to each other, either, I don't think. Ie, the above thoughts could have easily been the start of the thought, but her thoughts of you succeeding could have changed how it came out.

For now I'd say just ignore it. It's not like she's goading you about it, quite, just...not being very encouraging it sounds. From what I gather you brought up the topic of hair, and she just commented back, yes? Recognize that it's there and could come up again (and maybe think of things she might say and some good responses), but don't bring it up. Maybe even avoid bringing up the topic of hair to her, if she's not going to encourage/help you along and just discourage you. Just plain don't bring it up. Just ignore what she said and do what you want.

Now, if she gets to that point of where every time you see her your hair comes up as conversation--ie, she brings it up on her own and she keeps repeating and making you feel uncomfortable and getting a bit more clear on meaning, THEN you may need to ask her to stop and/or evaluate if her friendship is worth the negative comments (after you've given her a chance to stop).

It's not to that point yet, though, I don't think, so for now it's ignore, grow/do as you want, and wait to see if more comes of it.

January 14th, 2009, 11:51 AM
I see this situation as a unique opportunity. It gives you even more reason to pamper and grow long, beautiful hair just to get your point across without saying a word. It sounds like she was trying to get a rise out of you and you maintained your dignity. I have no doubt that your hair will outshine hers in every way. :) It is, afterall, the best revenge. ;)

January 14th, 2009, 12:03 PM
I guess if a really close friend said that - I would feel hurt about the "I like your short" comment, but I might turn it into a "yeah, in the past I could never get past the awkward stage, but this time I am determined to try - do you have any tips on hair care since yours looks so amazing?"

January 14th, 2009, 12:36 PM
I guess if a really close friend said that - I would feel hurt about the "I like your short" comment, but I might turn it into a "yeah, in the past I could never get past the awkward stage, but this time I am determined to try - do you have any tips on hair care since yours looks so amazing?"

that's a classy, dignified and mature response. well played, madam, well played :)

but, i'm a brat so i'd still grow it pretty and flaunt the s*** out of it in front of her every chance i got.

January 14th, 2009, 02:00 PM
you could either ask her about it or ignore it.
I've been in the same situation. everything i seemed to like someone i know would make fun of it at first..then try to outdo me in it. it was just sad..because i thought we were really close. and now its happening with hair. I especially try to keep it up in those situations. and plus its kinda silly since I'm not even in on who's is better.
I would say let it pass however if it seems to come up again ask her about it.
hope you find something that works though.
but if you want to grow it out then that's what you should do. despite what other people say

January 14th, 2009, 02:06 PM
That's all just jealousy.! hehe that's the same reason why I never let my sister trim my hair. and she will find out that this time, you will not end up cutting it all off(:

January 14th, 2009, 02:22 PM
I remember when I cut my hair for boot camp - I had such a reaction when I went back to work. "OMG you cut your hair!" and "Wow you look really different."

I wasn't trying to look different, I was trying to be able to shampoo my hair in a shower that lasted 2 1/2 minutes!!!

There were a lot of comments like, "Now my hair is longer", etc.

What a previous poster said about a thin friend trying to talk her overweight friend out of dieting... it's very much the same to me. It's kind of like keeping someone beneath you.

I'm glad to hear that you've decided to move on. Revel in your long-hairness, and don't let 'em get to ya! :)

January 14th, 2009, 02:31 PM
Yes, typically girls sometimes :(
I know the weigth thing. "Oh? You? you shouldn't lose weight"
And it was because she knew I would be "prettier" than her if I'd lose weight.
And same thing with the hair, I'm growing mine, now she's growing hers too.

I'm a lot happier if I just do my own thing :)

January 14th, 2009, 02:40 PM
Keep growing your beautiful mane and let your friend just get over it.

January 14th, 2009, 05:16 PM
I used to have a 'friend' like this. IMO they aren't really friends at all. She would constantly berate me for self-sabotaging, yet 5 minutes later offer to bleach my hair. She was like this in other areas too (including weight). I cut (pun!) her out of my life and now my hair is flourishing.

January 14th, 2009, 05:47 PM
This is so typical.

On the other hand--I did just the opposite and insulted someone over cutting their hair I found out today. She had gorgeous thick thigh length hair. I once even convinced her to go to a George Michael salon with me. A week later she chopped it off. I told her I thought she needed to do what she felt she wanted to and meant it ...but I was with her husband in that I was very sad she cut it since it was such a rare quality.

Today she was talking about getting layers again in her (now shoulder length) hair and said, "... I know you don't like it short..."

I felt terrible! I don't want her to think she is not pretty now! Did she over-analyze what I said after her cut? Or was I a knot-head?

January 14th, 2009, 06:53 PM
As far as the telling someone who is overweight that they dont need to lose weight: Sometimes you may just feel a need to be polite, and don't want to cross any lines and hurt people's feelings. Weight is a veeeerrrrry touchy subject to some. Many people feel comfortable calling themselves fat, but when somebody else mentions it, even gently, watch out! As far as telling someone you like them better with short hair, it could go either way. But in the OP's situation, from what she seems to have described, it is competition. The OP told her friend how nice she thinks her hair is, giving her a boost, and then the "friend" turned around and tried to hold on to her percieved "upper hand" by telling OP she likes her better with short hair. To me, it sounds like this person isn't much of a friend.

January 15th, 2009, 01:38 AM
Don't feel bad, friends are always the most sincere and generally try to make you see the truth, but sometimes friends can be a bit overwhelming. My best friend often tels me i look better with pale blonde, shoulder length hair, that it bounces so nicely and always looks better than when i have long hair. she often put down anything i did to care for my hair and make it healthier. until i realized she was a bit jealous, because she wants straight hair ( which i do have.) she has ringlets ( which i always wanted.) go figure huh? anyway, the best advice is to simply hug your friend, tell her she is special no matter what and keep doing what you desire, let your hair grow as long as you want, after 1 year look around and see who has the healthier and longer hair.

IMHO just love her and let anyone's bad or hurtful comments slide away, all we can do is love those closest to us and let them know that they hurt your feelings but that hurt won't make you push them away.

January 15th, 2009, 01:56 AM
Unless you ask her, and I really don't think it is necessary unless it comes up again at her doing, you'll never know. I think she may have touched a nerve though which is why her comment smarted. Are you maybe kicking yourself for not having allowed your hair to grow in the past, but instead chopped it? (always regretted after?!!).

I also know in situations like that, that there is one week out of the month where I am super sensitive to comments...the older I get the quicker I recognize it happening to me...it's about a week before my Aunt Flo comes, and if you looked at me sideways...I'd probably feel hurt.

Any chance that maybe a factor? (something to think about, not asking for a response).

And, next time you feel like that, you can always make yourself feel better with....TA DA....:chocolate: or :gobblecheese:!!!!

January 15th, 2009, 02:21 AM
This is why I don't have a plathoria of friends. I keep the ones who are true, and leave the competitive ones as acquaintances. I hate the competitive crap.

January 15th, 2009, 07:46 AM
I guess I am the opposite, I want everyone to have long hair! I found a friend that I hadn't seen in 16 years, I went to her house Christmas Eve. She used to have waist length, curly, beautiful hair. Now it's a bob. My hair used to be boy short, now it's hip length.

I asked her casually why she cut her hair and she said her small children were pulling it.

She said she didn't even recognize my photos on myspace because I used to have such short hair, and she had to keep looking to make sure it was really me!

But, I support my friends in their choices. My opinion is just that, my opinion. *I* think she has beautiful hair and it was amazing when it was long. It's strange to see her with short hair, and I would adore it if she grew her hair and would never make it a competition. But, if she likes it short, that's her business.

My sister and I are both growing her hair and she will want to cut hers (trim it up a bit) and I am always trying to talk her out of it, I hate to see her get a bad cut and be bummed.

January 15th, 2009, 01:57 PM
Don't worry, don't let it get you down. You're not the only one.. I had one friend, who is no longer my friend (surprise surprise). She was also the competitive type. She decided to start growing her hair, and when it was just past her shoulders, she said to my other friend (who is my bestest friend) "My hair is so much longer than yours.." in a smug and competitive fashion. But she really thought she was better than other girls in alot of ways, lookswise.

January 15th, 2009, 05:17 PM
I agree with heidi,

IMHO it's best to purposely forget it, and go on as though she had had the good sense to keep her opinion to herself! It's your hair, after all, and you aren't growing it long to suit her or anybody but yourself, so smile and carry on!

FWIW I had a similar experience at church recently. I had gone into the restroom to readjust my ficcare and I took my bun down and was twisting my hair back and an older woman, who is usually very nice, said something like, "I couldn't stand all of that hair!". There was at least one other woman in the room and as it was a statement and not a question, I just held my peace and continued to fix my hair. I've thought of her statement since, but not much! (o:

Another good friend of my childhood said she couldn't be bothered and so she just chops it off and throws it in the trash! Then she said she loved long hair..........on someone else! She said my updos looked chic! That's all right with me! (o: