So, I have hair issues, I admit it

[StarShine]

Yeah, I have hair issues. I feel like a bit of a hair failure right now. I've cut most of it off, gone from halfway to classic to now at APL, in 2 cuts over 4 months. First cut was to right above waist back in August. I just cut it Wednesday from almost hip to APL.

I'm really happy with the cut. I've been wanting something more modern, something that I could play with and damage. And mostly something I could wear down with a coat and scarf. I'd become trapped in a bun and my flat fine straight hair looked to severe and boring. I'm fat, double chinned, with a flat head and short neck and I couldn't find anything to do with it up that looked nice and was comfortable. Most concerning was the tension was causing pain along the hair line, along with breakage and thinning.

So I cut it and I'm happy. But I'm not. I'm unhappy with the texture. I want fuller hair with waves or curls or something. A common complaint from people with fine straight hair, grass is always greener, etc. But I don't think I always disliked it as I do now. I, in fact, know I did not.

And being a modern woman who doesn't let the media get her down, I've just been in plain denial and downright ashamed for the reason that I've come to loathe the hair I used to love. And I think if I don't deal with it and just admit it, I'll never love it again. I feel so stupid, but here goes.

I don't think my husband likes it. Or rather, I know he would prefer something else. 9 long years ago, when we first got together, we were having one of those early relationship conversations and somehow my hair got brought up. I'm not sure exactly how I got around to asking, but I said something to the effect of "well, whose/what kind of hair would you rather I have" and he immediately came up with a name of a girl with the complete polar opposite hair as mine and it CRUSHED me. I didn't hide it either, I didn't flip, but I cried right then and there. Well that is how I remember it. I always question the accuracy of old uncomfortable memories. Regardless, I didn't keep it to myself for months and months and let it fester, we talked about it.

And of course, I was reassured and all that good stuff and nine years down the road we're happily married. He did realize it bothered me but I don't think either of us knew how much. I've never ever asked a question like that again and I never ever ever will. Why go there. I know he's attracted to me and happy, so why ask for a list of improvements. Like I don't have a long enough one all by myself.

But later on, he did have this desire for me to bleach my hair blond and cut it very short. I was going to go for it too, and that when I realized that I was kind of going against my creed/philosophy/feminism and going to do something that I didn't find aesthetically appealing because deep down I knew he wanted something different. So I decided to get a perm instead, and my hair broke off at the scalp very badly and we both decided that bleaching it that extremely would be pretty stupid. But I did end up getting a couple blond wigs. And I enjoyed it, but I would have liked it more if I'd felt like I was just playing around, as opposed to finally giving him the pretty hair he wanted.

I don't think this would have been a big deal, except for the fact that I loved my hair before he said it. I was kind of known for it, but inwardly, I loved it. At least, that's how I remember it. I sort of remember wanting thicker hair with waves when I was younger, but I still felt it was beautiful. I felt confident about it. Now it feels like an inadequacy. It's changed and grown over the years and I've liked it more and less but I don't love it. I've never been happy with it. And I'd prefer for him to just never speak of it again, because I believe him when he says he likes it, but I don't. Logically, I do, but it just makes me feel bad about it. Inadequate.

We've talked about it again recently, and I don't want to keep bringing it up. He doesn't get flustered about dragging up ancient history or anything. He feels really bad and he would just feel worse if he knew how much and for long it's been bothering me. It really bothers me. Still. Why bother him with something he can do nothing about. Things can't be unsaid.

I don't how to get past it, but feeling stupid about feeling bad is getting me nowhere. Before that comment, I was satisfied. I felt that my hair was beautiful. After that comment, not so much. Not at all. One comment by a boy and a decade of hair hatred. And obviously, it wasn't the comment, it was me. Feeling like I'd lose a boy over something not in my control. That even if I dyed it, it wouldn't be natural and someone else has what he really wants... and OMG seriously! WTF happened to Ms. Confident and Independent? Going on some feminazi trip about world decoration or whatever has not helped thus far. I just want to feel pretty again. How did my taste in hair and what I find beautiful change when my lover expressed an opposite preference. And how do I go back!?!

It's all brought up a lot of issues I have with gender inequality. I'm just flat out fricking pissed that I'm held to a higher standard of beauty than my male counterpart. I'm pissed that I'm judged by my looks more than a man. And I'm really pissed that they are going to fade and then I'm going to be old and watch as men claim they "age better" and women agree because they hate themselves. Ya, and size doesn't matter either, buddy. I'm super pissed that women in third world countries don't have access to education, birth control, or are financially able to provide for themselves, so the quality of their lives is determined by their looks and egotistical traditional men can just abandon them when they no longer serve their sexual purpose. 70% of the world's absolute poor and starving are women because of this. Millions upon millions of women.

I'm pissed about things that are not productive to be pissed about, and I don't think "feeling pretty" is really gonna change that. I guess this is just helping me realize, really realize, that I am not my body, my personality or this life. I'm something much more that is beyond form. And thankfully, doesn't even have any hair!

Sorry for the novel and thanks for listening. Happy Holidays :)

[Melisande]

Dear StarShine, I can understand you so well. I would describe myself as fat, double chinned, flat headed, too, and I'm aging and I find aging hard (sometimes I like it, sometimes I hate being invisible all of a sudden). My hb would love me to cut my hair, he likes shorter hair. Fortunately, he likes buns and braids so we have this compromise: I let it grow and wear it up, and we both like it. But I know this feeling of inadequacy so well, and I also know the helpless feeling of anger when we submit to standards emotionally that we reject intellectually. I identify with unfairness and injustice emotionally and get very upset, too. So I really really hear you on that.

But the question is, what can you do to feel better about yourself? I'm sure your hair is beautiful and you were right when you loved it. Try to find again that point in time when you loved your hair. Your husband didn't know when he made his remark how much it would hurt you. Sometimes we say stupid things that don't mean much and we are shocked when we see how it is taken. I'm sure your husband would never had said it, had he known that he would destroy a part of your inner self love and self acceptance. Try to reconcile with your hair, your husband's words then and try to bury it. Let it go. It was long ago. Look at your hair now. Wear it the way it makes you feel YOU. Not the way the forum loves it, not the way your husband, the magazines or your hairdresser love it. Wear it the way that you feel is flattering, and an expression of your inner self.

I have no other advice. I struggle with self acceptance myself. There are things you can do to make your hair fuller, I even discovered waves after I switched to coneless. I'm happier now than I was for a long time with my hair but I still have to bear with remarks from my mother and aunt, remarks that hurt very much because they echo my own insecurities (something along the lines of: a woman of your size and age should cut a bob...). A nice husband who loves us, warts and all, is wonderful.

I try half heartedly to lose some weight. It won't make me younger and I felt the same about myself when I was lighter, so I know it's an inner problem. I try to dress nicely, to do pretty updos, wear lovely ear rings and hair toys and make up nicely to feel better about myself and radiate self confidence, not self doubt and self hate. Some days it works, other days it doesn't.

The key is within yourself. Love yourself, accept yourself. I do EFT for it, pray for it and try to give it to my girls. You were created beautiful, and when you are in harmony with yourself, you make this beauty visible. Harmony is elusive, like homeostasis in biology. We have to work towards it but never reach it for long. I live with this philosophy quite well because it saves me from my own perfectionism. Let perfectionism go.

Sorry for the rant... but something in your post touched me as though I had written it.

[WaimeaWahine]

Hello. :)

I think this is not really about your hair so much as it is about how you feel about yourself. Finding yourself and staying true to yourself are two completely different processes and they both take a lifetime to master.

My head was shaved for most of my 20's and I thought, because men always seem to like long hair that no man would want me. A complete stranger once called me a derrogatory name assuming I was a lesbian. Others were extra nice and admitted they thought I had cancer.

I had the same talk you had. My lover of nearly a decade said it was none of his business how my hair was worn - that it was my choice. Over time, experiences were even more positive. Men really liked it and women often confessed that they wanted to shave their hair but circumstances wouldn't allow it (society, workplace).

We are not defined by how we look but by who we are and what we do. You may want to get some counseling to cope with the hurt from previous discussions with your hubby. Strengthen things. :)

Never sacrifice who you are to make someone else happy or to try to live up to images projected by the media! I don't think Angelina Jolie is all that pretty but have always thought Sissy Spacek was.
The media is not an accurate representative of what beautiful is.

[AutumnLeaves]

WaimeaWahine, I love your avatar pic. The scissors make me smile. And like you, I have always thought Sissy Spacek was stunning looking. I still do. I've also always thought Cher, Barbara Streisand and Carol Burnett were pretty as well. They have something that I cannot define. I suspect it comes from being confident in who they are. Something I still work at diligently.

StarShine, I can so relate to your words on so many levels. Maybe not for all of the same things, but I know the despair inside myself. I cannot give advice.

[PHOENIX MOON]

Hello Starshine,
In the past, I have cut my hair for a dare... etc.
The question you have asked to your hubby, the answer you have received was honest. Those wigs seemed like a good compromise.
One suggestion: Perhaps you and your hubby go to the local wig shop when you are feeling good and play around with different styles and colours. You can apply updos/partings/highlights of that colour if YOU feel good with that style. Then do the same in clothes shops -try on clothes you never would! A few times I have done the clothes shops thing and burst out laughing. But then bought something that made me feel and look great... my partners eyes nearly popped out when he saw it!
I think your self esteem and confidence have taken a battering... try working on that. Do things that you like and make you feel happy or laugh. Rent a stand up comedy video, have a girlie night with some girl mates etc. Just make sure you have a 'you' and 'giggle' night. Then Ms confident and cool will be back. She has just had a brief holiday to get her batteries charged.
I have thick curly hair: -I have recently had the dead bits cut off, it STILL tangles, is a pain to brush and looks like I have styled it by going repeatedly through a hedge in any way you can conceively think of... and it stays/remains in a plait/plait knot.

Lecture -FIN!

[YogaGirl59]

Starshine,

I know what you mean about men being held to a different standard. Do you think there is a forum right now with men chatting about how they feel their waist is too thick or they have crows feet, etc.? I seriously doubt it. We women have a tendency to be very hard on ourselves and are constantly comparing ourselves to other women. We always think what they have is better, each one of us has our own separate insecurities. Your husband obviously loves you or he wouldn't be with you right now. When he looks at you I'm sure he does not see all the flaws you mentioned, but he sees the woman he loves.

Just this morning I asked my husband the question from the BBC poll on what type of hair men prefer. His response was long and straight. Well, my hair is at 21" and curly...I call it my Jew Fro, because that's basically what it is. I replied to him "you do realize you just chose the opposite of my hair?" Of course, he tried to smooth it over by saying with curly hair I can always blow it straight and flat iron it. (I guess he forgot I joined LHC last month and am no longer do that). Maybe over 20 years ago when we were first married that would have bothered me, but it didn't this morning. I know my husband loves me and would do anything for me. I just looked at his balding head and thought "yes, and I prefer men with hair", but I didn't say that.

I also have a rather long nose. This use to bother me some when I was younger, but not anymore. Sometimes though when I see a picture of myself I think "wow, what a honker". I think age gives you a different perspective. I will turn 50 in a few short weeks, my husband has Multiple Sclerosis and my 25-year-old son is currently serving his second tour of Iraq. My focus is more on everyone's health and well being. I want to look and feel the best that I can and not compare myself to other people.

I look at my long nose and think of my long deceased father, it's his nose. The very nose I use to look at in the mirror and despise now brings back a pleasant visual of my father. Now my long nose makes me feel good. My grown neices and nephews say the same thing about it. They say my nose and face reminds them of Grandpa and they like that. The same thing with my curly hair. It reminds me of my deceased Grandmother and my elderly mother. My hair is just like theirs, so how could I hate it? My son has the same hair. We always joke his hair can never grow longer, just bigger. When I look at his hair it's a visual reminder of my loved ones. So, my husband may say he prefers long straight hair, but who did he choose over two decades ago to grow old with?....the girl with the long nose and curly hair.

[LawyerGirl]

My BF has made comments like that as well, once he said he liked short hair.... so I cut my hair short. Then, after having a pixie cut for a few months, he made an off-hand comment about me having long hair... when I brought up the fact that he wanted my hair short, he didn't remember it. I find that with him, he will just say anything that's in his head at the time, and a lot of the time he doesn't put any thought into it at all. I will cry and brood over things that he's said for months and months and in the end, I find that it was just a thoughtless comment that I took to heart when he didn't mean anything by it.

I decided that I wanted to look how I wanted, I wanted to feel pretty because of ME, not because of him. I wanted to have healthy, shiny hair. I wanted long hair. I figured he may want me to have long hair today, short hair tomorrow, etc. But in the end, if I feel pretty, he will be attracted to the confidence I have in myself more than he could ever be attracted to how I look (especially if it is not a look I'm comfortable with). I don't know if I'm making any sense.

There are things you can do to have strong, healthy, wavy hair but I think that really what you need to find out is what YOU want, what makes YOU happy. If you want short hair, wear it short. If you want long hair, then there are lots of ways to strengthen and style your hair if you do in fact want waves. APL isn't so short, and it's a great way to start out from healthy hair (my hair isn't even shoulder length and I would give my right arm for APL!). I think that once you find the hair that you feel suits you and makes you happy, your husband will love it too.

Hugs!

[CrowningGlory]

... I just looked at his balding head and thought "yes, and I prefer men with hair", but I didn't say that. ... So, my husband may say he prefers long straight hair, but who did he choose over two decades ago to grow old with?....the girl with the long nose and curly hair.

Well said. StarShine, your husband chose you and loves you, and probably has no idea how much damage was caused by a casual comment made years and years ago (and which he probably doesn't even remember now).

I agree with whoever it was who said that you should wear your hair the way that makes you feel good about yourself. That attitude of feeling good and feeling attractive is attractive to others. And who knows, one day your husband might wake up and go, "Wow! I really like long straight hair on you. Don't ever change it."

[WaimeaWahine]

I look at my long nose and think of my long deceased father, it's his nose. The very nose I use to look at in the mirror and despise now brings back a pleasant visual of my father.

A very beautiful and important reminder, YogaGirl.
In the mirror there is my mother's hair and a touch of red from my Nana, and my mother's eyes and nose and my father's chin and smile. I love long noses (mine is pointy and short) and interesting features!

[StarShine]

I really appreciate all of the replies. It does help to remember that men just say stupid things without thinking or putting as much meaning into it. I know my DH does. I think what is really eating me up is how much it affected my confidence. My reaction and insecurity feel like an inward failure.

I think another part of the issue is that I'm economically dependent on him atm and have been for a while. It makes me feel like less of a person, and honestly, a bit like a prostitute. Like on a whim he might see another me with less financial woes and curly blond hair and then BAM! My world is over. I have no control. He has it all. Any work I've done in the marriage has been assigned no economic value and all of my security relies in making him happy. It makes me think of women who just live in that world as the norm and I get really, really pissed. He feels awful about how I view my status, and he doesn't know what to do.

I've tried to find a job in the past and I'm just getting over a failed business and starting another. I really think making my own money and having a feeling of security will help my self esteem, but I feel like I'm in limbo. I don't have enough time to put into making him and my very depressed parents happy and work full time on my economic and personal goals. My parents are pissed that I'm not having any children and apparently I've stolen all meaning from their lives. I'm constantly getting comments about how selfish I am, and what I'm doing (business-wise) is morally wrong. My father has even started making mean comments about my appearance and has encouraged/taunted my husband about seeing prostitutes and strippers. I don't have the right to speak up for myself because I make no money. Right now I'm walking a line of keeping everybody happy while gaining real security for myself and I get scared that it's all going to fall apart before I get it finished. Like building a second floor addition to a house of cards.

I'm so sick of getting the message that I'm an utter failure as a woman. I have anger in my heart about being a woman and the constant Catch 22's. It seems like trying to get over it is just trying and fake, and I'm just digging myself in deeper and can't stop. I wish my hair insecurities could just be about hair and didn't get so darn philosophical.

I truly appreciate the advice and shared experiences. You've all made me feel a bit better.

[saoriiroas]

My opinion:
Your father is not being fair, cruel even, but in this day and age, our society/economic system is not being too fair to the elderly either, and where does that anger go? I have been having major economic troubles for the past few months, and when I do not have a job, or when I have very little money, I get so depressed. But I am not letting things stay this way.

It is hard to deny the fact that there will always be someone younger, prettier, thinner, richer, but once you start spending your energy comparing people against each other, you lose time you will never get back. Make an effort to change your heart, and focus your energy on accomplishing, instead of lamenting. I have a few more weeks of unemployment, I have to wait until mid-January to start this employment contract because of previous travel-plans. During those weeks, I will excersize furiously, paint my dressers, go for a hike, things I cannot do with 40 hours of my week taken up by work.

Is there a community college near you Starshine? You should look into going to school part-time, you could do Culinary Arts, Literature, Business, Photography, Nursing$$ all sorts of things. If there is one near you, go in to their Financial counselor and ask about Pell Grants. I am in the lowest economic bracket, so I received 3 grand a semester to attend classes. Classes at my community college were only 700 a semester, so I ended up with lots of free money. You get even more money under certain conditions. You can go to www.fafsa.ed.gov/faq003.htm to see some information on it. Get paid to get a degree in Poetry.... or anything! Even if you already have a degree it does not disqualify you from receiving the grants.

Feel better!

[SimplyLonghair]

I am Sorry for your struggles, but remember that what doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. Remember that the Secret and the Law of attraction works even if you don't believe in it. So the business issues are affected by the distress that you are dealing with.
Secondly you are not responsible for others happiness. Only your own. Stop trying to be everyones everything and failing and just be the best you. If this isn't enough for others that is their issue, not yours. Even your parents or husband. Tell them that you love them, but you are only responsible for your life not theirs. Not making money doesn't make you less of a person. Mother Teresa, didn't earn a salary....

Tell you father that he isn't being funny and if he really feels that way he needs help and give him the number to the local mental health hotline. This is abuse. Stop taking it. Take a stand against bullies. Even in your own family. Take a stand and let him and your mom know that you are not their whipping boy. You will feel so much stronger for it. You need to do it in a soft but firm way, not mean. Don't take their way, but the higher road.
They need help, but from a professional. At least a clergy or mental health professional. I took this kind of abuse for years, until you confront they will continue to pile it on.

God Bless you and find help. You are not alone. There are answers. If they don't seek help, you should.

[Loviatar]

I can't offer better advice than the other ladies, but I wanted you to know that when I first joined LHC, I saved your changing animated signature picture to my computer, because you had the most beautiful hair I had ever seen. The shine was like glass and I loved the colour.

I called the saved file 'Mydreamhair.jpg' :)

[Lamb]

I think another part of the issue is that I'm economically dependent on him atm and have been for a while. It makes me feel like less of a person, and honestly, a bit like a prostitute. Like on a whim he might see another me with less financial woes and curly blond hair and then BAM! My world is over. I have no control. He has it all. Any work I've done in the marriage has been assigned no economic value and all of my security relies in making him happy.


My father has even started making mean comments about my appearance and has encouraged/taunted my husband about seeing prostitutes and strippers. I don't have the right to speak up for myself because I make no money.

No offence, I hope, but I have one thing to say about this: stuff and nonsense! I think you are on a very dangerous path of thought if you believe that a marriage (which is not a business contract, but an emotional and physical bond between two people who feel they belong together) depends on the spouse who is making money. This is simply not true. You are ignoring the key points of the marriage vow: to hold and to keep, for better or for worse! If either the wife or the husband decide to break their vows, they cannot use the excuse "oh but he/she wasn't contributing financially." This way of thinking is just (pardon me) screwed, and I am not surprised your husband is feeling awful about it. Please try to change your thoughts, because you are hurting him by ignoring the emotional obligations and responsibility he is bearing towards you (and you are ignoring them by ascribing too much importance to money-making). You contribute to the marriage by loving him. As long as both you and your DH are loving each other to an equal degree (in words, deeds, and emotions), you are each other's equals, with equal control and responsibility. Full stop.

As for the awful comment your father has made: words fail me. I simply cannot see how a father can say something like that about his own daughter. :steam: But you have to see that the problem is with him and not you. You are fully entitled to the status and dignitiy of a human person, an individual, and the respect due to a wife, no matter how little or how much money you make. Money and human dignity in this situation are not interdependent!!

I wish you the best, and please try to trust your emotional security in your DH more. He has chosen to live with you, for better or for worse. He deserves your trust for this. And you deserve some trust from yourself, too. Be kind to yourself. :flower:

[spidermom]

My goodness, StarShine, over-think things much? You've got to take it a little easier on yourself. If you're not working a job and making money, it frees you up to be enormously productive on other levels: house keeping, gardening, arts/crafts, cooking, etc. There must be something that you enjoy doing, that gives you a sense of accomplishment. If not, there should be. Focus your attention there, not on your hair, and not on remarks made a long time ago that really have nothing to do with who you are on the inside or why your husband was attracted to you rather than somebody who has his ideal hair.

As for your husband's comments about his ideal hair, so what? My husband's hair is about 2 inches long at the longest, and I'd prefer it be at least 2 feet long. However, nobody could treat me and our children and grandchildren with more love than he does, so big deal about the hair.

I feel stuck in frumpville with my buns, but as I contemplated the cuts I might look better in, I realized that the thing that REALLY makes me feel frumpy is the extra 50 pounds. I can't cut enough hair off; it wouldn't help to cut my entire head off.

Stop moping; there's nothing more depressing than endlessly contemplating your own navel (or hair or shortcomings or anything else about yourself). Turn your attention outward; make your little corner of the world a beautiful place.

[feralnature]

StarShine, I am very upset with what your father said. His love and support should be 100% unconditional and he should not say things, even teasingly, that cause his child pain.

I am an RN who used to make good money, but am now unable to work because of BiPolar disorder. I have very little income through SSDI. So I have lost some "equality" so to speak in my relationship. Lack of money does indeed change things for a woman. No doubt. But you should not fear being left or dumped.

And Spidermom, I couldn't agree more..all of us who moan and groan about which hairstyle will make us "look" better....forget it...we should just lose the extra pounds, then ANY hairstyle looks great :)

I want to look good when I look in the mirror FOR MYSELF!

[WaimeaWahine]

You have the right to speak up for yourself and you really need to.

There's a Buddhist mantra that goes: What does it further? What good can come from it?

Inaction, feeling and thinking negative thoughts, denial, etc... none of it will bring positive change. You have to look inside yourself and get to the heart of the matter because this is probably not about hair or even about what your husband's preferences might be. This is about you and why you're really feeling so angry and so invaluable.

You need some positive female role models - there are plenty of women defying traditional roles. Take Sandy Hill-Pittman for example. She was a New York socialite after marrying the man who created MTV. Sandy, a stay at home mom, decided she was going to be the first woman to climb the seven highest mountain peaks in the world and she did it. The marriage didn't last, but she grew so much from her experiences.

I still believe counseling may benefit you. Break down those walls. You have options. Opt for something different.

[MsBubbles]

Star Shine: First of all, a big :grouphug: to you for having to listen to deplorable comments such as your Father's. May we all have the inner peace to be able to say 'poop on you' to our nearest and dearest when they say stuff like that! Second of all, here's a virtual :blossom: to attempt to melt away some of your self-hatred.

I noticed in your original post you have some conflicts regarding your role in life as a woman, because in one sentence you said you didn't want to sound Feminazi (a term I believe frightened males use to describe smart and competent females), and then later you were talking about inequality, sexism and unfairness where women are concerned (which I agree on 100%, btw!). Seems to me like you are torn between what the men in your life say or feel about women and how you see yourself. Maybe I'm reading too much into it or projecting my own :trainwreck: onto your situation. Female hair is bound to be a big issue if you're also wrapped up in these other issues.

I hated my dead straight, 1a/F/ii hair until I found LHC and made it over the 40 hump. Now I don't care what anybody says about my appearance!! I don't think I really appreciated my hair, though, until I realised a friend I'd known for 9 years had been wearing wigs the whole time and was virtually bald for genetic reasons. Now no matter how crappy my hair looks I am always grateful I even have any.

I hope you can find peace above all starting now for the holiday season, and into 2009.

What the heck, have some more :flowers:.

[Dolly]

I hated my dead straight, 1a/F/ii hair until I found LHC and made it over the 40 hump. Now I don't care what anybody says about my appearance!! I don't think I really appreciated my hair, though, until I realised a friend I'd known for 9 years had been wearing wigs the whole time and was virtually bald for genetic reasons. Now no matter how crappy my hair looks I am always grateful I even have any.



That kind of puts perspective on things, doesn't it?

StarShine, I think along the same lines of everybody else on this one......I think that the comments made by your father are disgusting. I also think that you yourself need some counseling. Your image of yourself is skewed. Your worth as a wife or even as a member of the human race has nothing to do with how much money you earn, what your hair looks like, or how much you weigh. Your husband obviously loves the "true you".....the "inner you"......otherwise, he wouldn't be with you.

Now, you need to love yourself.

[YogaGirl59]

Starshine,

This seems to go way deeper than your hair.

[quote][ I don't have enough time to put into making him and my very depressed parents happy and work full time on my economic and personal goals. My parents are pissed that I'm not having any children and apparently I've stolen all meaning from their lives. I'm constantly getting comments about how selfish I am, and what I'm doing (business-wise) is morally wrong. My father has even started making mean comments about my appearance and has encouraged/taunted my husband about seeing prostitutes and strippers. I don't have the right to speak up for myself because I make no money. Right now I'm walking a line of keeping everybody happy while gaining real security for myself and I get scared that it's all going to fall apart before I get it finished. Like building a second floor addition to a house of cards.
/QUOTE]

I am so sorry your father made those mean comments. To me, that is emotional abuse and just wrong. It may help to focus on more positive things, like the new business you mentioned your are starting. It may also help for you to see a therapist to help you sort out these feelings. Or read uplifting positive books, like Shakti Gwain's Creative Visualization or Living in the Light.

I don't understand why you say you cannot speak up for yourself because you have no money. It's your home with your husband and you have a right to your life as a grown woman, without parental interference. Your husband sounds like a good guy. You said you are trying to make him (and everyone else) happy. If you were happier, I'm pretty sure that would go a long way to making him happy.

[gin411]

Starshine, so many have given you such great advice. I really hope you take it all to heart. I have just one thing to add: our parents get roughly 18 years to shape us into the human beings they want us to be, after that it is up to US to shape ourselves into who WE want to be! If you ask me, your parents have really failed in some areas. No father should say what your father did. That just tears down self-esteem, when he should be building it up. That type of comment is meant to hurt and control, and stems more from your father's own insecurities than any trait or behavior of your own. It is REALLY REALLY hard to overcome what our parents did to us, it may take professional help, but you CAN do it, and start feeling the way you want to feel, and doing what you want to do. One thing I find helps me to feel better about myself is to take care of my environment (i.e. cleaning the house, personal grooming, focusing on making "green" decisions, etc.) and treating myself to little treats. I love flowers, so I buy myself flowers every now and then. I love my hair, so I buy little hair gems, sticks, toys. And it doesn't have to be something you buy yourself, if you feel bad about money, either. It could be taking the time to go for a walk, and admire the flowers around your neighborhood, or visiting with a friend for an hour or two. Find the things that YOU like, and give them to yourself as a present! You deserve it!

Hah, I don't usually go on and on so much! Guess this is something near and dear to my heart, because I'm struggling to build myself back up after a horrible marriage. I'm single now, and supporting my family all on my own (my ex moved 3,000 miles away, and pays no child support). It takes time, be gentle and patient with yourself.