Rant: Hair standards

[bitter]

I'm Japanese, any hair that's not straight, soft, and weightless is not accepted. The daily-shampooed hair is just dry hair. I went to the hair dresser and I returned with very shiny, soft, straight, weightless hair. But it's dry. It's not healthy.

I've been trying to grow out my hair. I started my first relationship and he said I'd look good with long hair. It's shoulder length right now, I've done a lot of research not to cause damage. I also don't shampoo. When my hair is oily, it's feels soft and just moisturized? It doesn't feel greasy but not weightless. I get told it looks greasy and weighed down but I'm trying to figure out how to make it look better.

I'm visiting Japan for two weeks, my grandma brushes my hair very aggressively, I have to shampoo and blow-dry my hair everyday and it looks weightless alright. It's also dry and has a lot of breakage. I have more thin short hair coming off and I hear the sound of it breaking when she brushes it. I wanted to take the time to slowly detangle it. Even if I do it very slowly it still breaks. My ends are dry and rough. The last 5 cm of my hair is really damaged, which is how much my hair grew the past 5 months.

Don't tell me to just stand up for myself. I'm here to have a good time with minimal conflicts. I know my grandma wants me to have what she thinks is best, but I feel that it's causing a lot of damage and I've really been trying to leave my hair alone. I want long full healthy hair. That is what I want.

[ETJ CURLS]

I'm Japanese, any hair that's not straight, soft, and weightless is not accepted. The daily-shampooed hair is just dry hair. I went to the hair dresser and I returned with very shiny, soft, straight, weightless hair. But it's dry. It's not healthy.

I've been trying to grow out my hair. I started my first relationship and he said I'd look good with long hair. It's shoulder length right now, I've done a lot of research not to cause damage. I also don't shampoo. When my hair is oily, it's feels soft and just moisturized? It doesn't feel greasy but not weightless. I get told it looks greasy and weighed down but I'm trying to figure out how to make it look better.

I'm visiting Japan for two weeks, my grandma brushes my hair very aggressively, I have to shampoo and blow-dry my hair everyday and it looks weightless alright. It's also dry and has a lot of breakage. I have more thin short hair coming off and I hear the sound of it breaking when she brushes it. I wanted to take the time to slowly detangle it. Even if I do it very slowly it still breaks. My ends are dry and rough. The last 5 cm of my hair is really damaged, which is how much my hair grew the past 5 months.

Don't tell me to just stand up for myself. I'm here to have a good time with minimal conflicts. I know my grandma wants me to have what she thinks is best, but I feel that it's causing a lot of damage and I've really been trying to leave my hair alone. I want long full healthy hair. That is what I want.

It sounds like you already know what the issue is; if you're not committed to to standing up for yourself at this time, I think you will just have to accept your hair being damaged for two weeks until you return home. I do understand that the culture in Japan is COMPLETELY different, and how you move with regards to your elders, esp. family is filled with tradition, so I sympathise with your feelings on the matter.

However, are there not a LOT of traditional Japanese hairstyles that necessitate long beautiful hair? Could you not express a new passionate interest in those historical practices and tell your family that you are trying to be more in touch with your history and culture?

If you coif your hair elaborately before interacting with the rest of your family on a daily basis 1. would that not prevent others from touching it, and 2. how will they know whether or not it's "oily"?

[kimgeas]

Japanese beauty standards for hair to me feel... ig 'very interesting' is a way to put it. I have oily skin and I consider myself a pretty frequent washer (used to daily wash, currently washing 3-times a week/every two to three days) but the reaction I got from Japanese girls when they heard that I don't wash my hair every day lol. What's funnier is Japanese hair products are often times so heavy and oil/silicone-loaded (I don't dislike heavier oil or cones, I have coarse east Asian hair–but not in my ****ing shampoo?!!!) that they don't clean my scalp effectively at all. And the trendy 'wet' hair look; putting hair oil on bangs/face framing pieces?? You certainly need the balls of someone who wash and style their hair every day to do that. In a way I admire the effort some of them are willing to put in to maintain a regular length of hair. And speaking of making oily hair looks presentable; french/dutch braids are always the way to go.

[bitter]

The traditional way of washing hair in Japan is using udon powder to wash once a month. The tradition is dead, and everyone shampoos everyday.
The shampoo ads started as "shampoo once a month" to "shampoo once a week" to "shampoo everyday".
I strongly believe that there is a way of washing without shampoo that works even with oily skin/hair.
My grandma believes not shampooing will clog pores and make you lose hair. And that not blowdrying will do the same.
Also, my hair is only shoulder length. I haven't learned how to style/arrange it.

[bitter]

And I really can't stand up for myself. Even at home, I get into fights with my mom ALL THE TIME about my hair. I just want to have a good time

[fairy_hair]

If this routine is non-negotiable, try adding olive or almond oil to your lengths and ends before each wash to protect from the frequent shampoo, and cut split ends yourself using S&D method regularly to catch any broken hairs before they get even worse. I find the addition of oil before washing leaves my hair much less floaty after, which is good on my fine hair, gives it some weight and body. Maybe it works for you.

[KokoroDragon]

Have you tried skipping the shampoo in the shower and just using conditioner or co-wash? Or water only? There are a lot of ways of washing hair without using shampoo, I'm sure you can find a lot more information in some of the threads around here. And if your ends are as dry as you say, conditioning daily might help.

You could also look into CWC (condition, wash, condition) or WCC (wash, condition, condition) for other ways to help keep your lengths moisturized even while shampooing every day.

[spidermom]

Even more important than the health of your hair is the health of your scalp. Hair will certainly tolerate being oily, but the scalp oftentimes will not. An unhealthy scalp with clogged pores will not produce healthy hair. Consider coming to compromise with your family by washing every couple of days rather than not at all.

[bitter]

My hair and scalp are fairly healthy. My scalp is not greasy at all. It flakes but I'm pretty sure it's dry skin. My hair just doesn't look or feel like the completely stripped daily-throughly-shampooed hair.

[lapushka]

Maybe dilute your shampoo with water. Just make it as you go; don't fill up half a bottle with water; it will go bad and get all sorts of moldy on you. You for sure don't want that on your hair, because then you might as well just wash frequently.

[Chromis]

Rant away! That sounds very tiring to deal with.

You probably just want to rant and that's cool - but for my own Helpy McHelpson suggestions: Aside from exploring other wash options that might not be obvious to anyone who isn't in the shower with you (nothing saying you can't just get your hair wet and let them assume you shampooed every day!) my biggest advice is to keep browsing the forums here and learn to put it up. You are at a tricky length still, but you might be able to do peacock twists or even French Twists and those look very sleek. For most people hair sort of becomes invisible once it is up, so putting it up around your family should eliminate a lot of friction. Plus Grandma will be less likely to chase you around with the blowdrier if it isn't dripping wet! On that note, I recommend a hair towel to get it much more dry without having to manipulate it much because wet hair is annoying anyhow. You might also have to very gently comb it before it has dried because that sounds less damaging than her ripping through it with a brush after blowdrying. If you come out of the washroom with your hair already styled, that should eliminate the opportunity. Wearing it up will also help it get less damaged.

Also do not bring up your hair around them! No talk of hair goals, no talk of hair routines, they will only criticize everything you say. (A good chunk of my family will do this even if you are repeating to them exactly what advice they gave you the day before because I think they just want to lecture haha). Hair up or at least in a braid. Note: they will find something else to focus on, but hopefully something that doesn't actively sabotage you.