Ideas, please for hair care during a deep loss

[Aunt Rapunzel]

I need some ideas/help. My precious mom died very suddenly, and very unexpectedly three weeks ago. I'm still reeling, and still coming out of the shock of her death...And I'm barely maintaining my hair. I've been tempted to cut it just because it feels like so much right now, but I also don't think that I'm able to deal with any more change. And as stupid as it sounds to most people, I also lost my favorite hair fork - my go-to that I used on a daily basis. That usually would just be an annoyance, but right now everything is major. Anyway....I have pretty thick hair, it's almost tailbone length...What are your suggestions for . . . I don't know. . . Caring about it? Caring for it? Even ways to remember to keep it up, I guess. My mind just isn't working very well right now.

[Dark40]

Awww, I'm so sorry that you've lost your mother three weeks ago. :flower: You have my condolences. I bet that you are still in a shock of her death. It's most likely because you ladies were so close. I'm very close to my mother as well, and she'll be 78 this coming September 17th. But my grandmother lived until she was 105 years old. I also bet at the time in your life you are having a hard time knowing how to care for your hair, caring about it, and on ways to keep it up. Wow, I can't believe it that your hair is almost tailbone length! Congratulations on your new milestone! :) We haven't chatted in a long while. I'm hoping to reach BCL at least by the end of the year. Right now, it's at BSL-WL. Last week, I dusted my ends up to between BSL and WL. Because, my ends were looking kinda straggly. But they all look much better now, and I'm not trimming anymore until next year. Or, whenever I feel there is a need. I have a girlfriend or a classmate that wore her thick frizzy curly hair all of the way down to her tailbone! And, when she gotten it relaxed one day she cut it all of the way up to BCL. It was sooooooooo beautiful and healthy-looking. She was one of the ones that inspired me to grow mine either tailbone length or classic length. Because, I had figured when she gotten her hair relaxed at the salon it most likely stretched to classic length after it reached to her tailbone. Then, a couple of years after she graduated from high school she came to the high school where she went to and graduated from, and I was able to recognize her, and she had chopped all of her beautiful BCL hair off up to a chin length bob. I was sooooooooooooo disappointed and shocked when I saw that she did that!

[ArtOfNoot]

I'm so sorry for your loss. If cutting your hair is something that would help you, then please don't feel pressure to keep it so long. It will grow. It will still be there when you're in a place to take care of it.
I am also sorry you lost your hair fork. It was important to you. You don't sound stupid. When things pile up on eachother like that it can be so rough.

As for caring about it: self-care is important while grieving. You can always knock your hair care to the bare minimum and keep it in an easy braid to prevent tangles.

Your hair is much thicker and more textured than mine so maybe some LHCers with your hair type can provide better low-maintenance tips.

[Lady Winchester]

I just lost my grandmother last October (she almost made it to her 97th birthday, since she was born in the middle of November) and the one thing I didn't do was chop all my hair off. I'm just glad it came back from chemo (even if it darkened naturally shortly after). It didn't even cross my mind. What did cross my mind was getting a memorial made from Etsy for me and my three younger cousins (the youngest has a three year old daughter on my Mom's anniversary to my stepfather, so that's one date she'll never forget). I still have to give two of my cousins theirs. I'm more likely to clean my apartment than take it out on my appearance (since I know I'll regret it). At least this way, my allergies won't act up as much and I won't be crying my eyes out because I hate that I got an "age appropriate" hairstyle that would make me look like a poodle dog (since I have naturally curly hair that gets more curly the shorter it is). To those of us that are quite proud of our length, it's not "just hair". I was hoping I'd be one of the lucky ones to not lose it all during chemo, but it was not to be (the only thing I didn't lose was my eyebrows or eyelashes, everything else fell out). It took me three years to grow it back to its former length, and although it's darkening due to age, I'm glad to have it back, and hope not to repeat the experience anytime soon.

I have pretty thick hair too (medium thick) and it was getting a little coarse (probably also due to age, and I'm more of a brunette now than a redhead) until Mom trimmed off about three inches about a month ago (I've only regrown about an inch, which is pretty average). I usually wear it back in a ponytail (not because I want a change in length, but am too lazy to try any new styles).

[mochichichi]

My deepest condolences to you. I can't imagine what you're going through but I hope you are receiving support from your loved ones and community. Sending you strength.

Also sorry you lost your hair fork. Those little things hurt so much more when we're already feeling so much.

Some low maintenance hair ideas:
If your hair will stand up to it, braid it and just wear the braid for multiple days at a time. When it starts getting messy, put a bandana over it, or turn said braid into a bun. If you have a go-to bun you can do with your existing forks/sticks without really thinking about it, wear that. Let it be messy. It's okay to wear it every day for a while, just don't twist it super hard. You can wear it down, like others have said, or a low pony--just put a hair tie at the base of your neck to keep it from flying everywhere. You can stuff it in the hood of your sweater. If you wear a bonnet to sleep, you can just leave it on if you don't have to go out. If you have to wash often, maybe scalp washes, or even just pouring some water over your scalp would help.

You don't have to care about it. Ignore it as much as you need, but I would wait to chop it off at least for a little while. When things are a little brighter give it some TLC and cut yourself a lot of slack.

[AmaryllisRed]

I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:
My mom passed away April 4. Coincidentally, I cut my hair from around tailbone up to collarbone three days before she passed. I had been thinking about the cut for several weeks beforehand, so it was a welcome change. In your case, I wouldn't do anything impulsively. I think mochichichi has some good suggestions. You can braid it and leave the braid for days. If you get nape tangles like I do, you can always re-braid it without redoing the sections. Or wear a go-to bun and just redo it as needed.
Don't worry too much about washing it or what it looks like when you go out. And you might find at some point that taking special care of your hair is soothing and helps you find some normalcy in this difficult time.
I hope you find the fork you lost.

[lapushka]

I wish you all the best. Since this is a "public" forum part of the site, I can't share.

[clairenewcastle]

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother. Mine died in 2016 and my father died in 1993. I was devastated by both deaths, particularly by the loss of my father. At times I simply could not function, such was the depth of my grief so I can understand your need to make your hair easier to care for.

However, I would advise you not to cut it just yet. Go easy on yourself, give yourself time to see how you feel about your hair and life in general. If you can't be bothered to shampoo so what? I second what the others have said, just braid your hair and leave it alone.

I came out of a two week stay in hospital in the autumn of 2019 and could not wait to get to a hairdresser to cut off all the hair I could not handle while in hospital. I was too ill to drive for a fortnight but once I could it was straight to a hairdresser.....my hair came out in clumps while in hospital so I was desperate to get some control back where my hair was concerned. That haircut felt so liberating, I did not regret losing my length for my hair looked so such better and was so much easier to cope with when I had no energy. However I know that impulsive haircuts are not for everyone.

[embee]

I would suggest trying to keep things as normal as possible. Making big changes during a stressful time is often a mistake - our brains don't work quite the same then, as you've already said. You do not need to make a Big Mistake that will take years to undo!

For your hair, try to locate another decent hairfork that will do the job. Put hair in a braid, braided bun, topknot, what ever is comfortable and easy to make. Be sure to comb/brush your hair every day - it's part of taking care of yourself, especially during a bad time. Going to bed on time is important, so you can maintain a schedule and maybe get decent rest. If you can, stretch your washes, as washing long thick hair can be a big pain - unless you decide the washing could be a comfort. Quite likely your mama would not want you to do something drastic, she probably liked you as you are! :)

Much sympathy on your loss. Remember that she lives on in your heart and memory forever.

[momof3mary]

Aunt Rapunzel I'm sorry for your loss.

[purple_omelette]

So sorry for your loss Aunt Rapunzel. I agree with what has already been said - your grief and taking care of yourself are more important than what your hair looks like, and if upkeep is too much, going for easier styles or a haircut can help. But if you want to keep it long and still enjoy doing it up, that can also be a great way to keep up your hobbies and routine while you are grieving. At the end of the day, how you grieve and what you feel up to is a very personal thing, and this community will support you either way.

[Kat]

My mom passed away April 4. .

I'm so sorry for your loss, to both of you. I know how hard it is. I'm wishing you both peace.

[SandyBottom]

:blossom:My condolences to both of you. I am so sorry. If you don't feel up to washing it, sometimes a simple light mist of water and then a drop of perfume or essential oil (for comfort and a fresh scent) can really help you look and feel refreshed. I concur with the other suggestions of holding off on a cut right now and just take it easy on yourself, only doing what you feel you can manage. Regular sleep schedule and simply getting dressed will help.

[giraff]

Sorry for your loss 💜 Remember to be kind to yourself, and take good care of you. Hair care can be great for mental hygiene: showers, scalp massages, trying out a new product. But if you don't have the energy for that right now, don't fret. Make it easy for yourself! Put some oil in it, braid it, leave it. Hope you find some light in this dark moment.

[shelomit]

So sorry to hear this, Aunt Rapunzel ) ': When I have been very sick and had no energy/inclination to take care of my hair, one thing that helped was tossing it up into a sleep bonnet. A beret or similar cap could do the same thing. I wouldn't bun or braid it at all, just kind of lump it up and stuff it in there. At least that kept my hair out of my face and helped forestall some of the tangling that surely would have happened had I just been lying around with it loose.

[Kat]

Yes, a snood is an option. Though I find that my hair tangles horribly in a snood if I just stuff it all in there... I had to stop wearing them after I took mine off one day and my hair came down in basically a giant, snood-shaped mat. No, I hadn't been doing anything particularly active or anything... my hair just likes to tangle (for people with not-so-tangly hair, it might not be a problem).

[Aunt Rapunzel]

Thank you all for your replies. I'm sorry that I'm only now replying. It sounds ridiculous, but I just didn't have the energy to write a reply. I was in quite a deep shock for the first month. It was 83 degrees here, and I was wearing a turtleneck, a heavy sweater, leggings, heavy socks, and when I'd go outside, I still needed a winter coat. I just couldn't get warm.

Your suggestions helped, and I was able to "hold on" until the worst of the exhaustion and shock wore off. It's getting more normal to care for my hair again. It was just too much at the time. Breathing was a full-time job. So thank you for the suggestions.

AmaryllisRed, I'm so sorry for your loss. :cry:




I wish you all the best. Since this is a "public" forum part of the site, I can't share.

I didn't realize that any part of this forum was public. I thought that it was all private. Please feel free to message me.

[Kat]

I'm glad to hear some of the weight seems to be off you now. Still wishing you continued healing.

I believe the "Mane Forum" part of the site is public but the "off topic" sections are private?

[SandyBottom]

I think Kat's right. One way to check is to look through the sight without logging in. You'll only be able to see the public parts. Thanks for checking in here, Aunt Rapunzel. It doesn't sound ridiculous at all...completely understandable! Emotional distress robs our energy, no matter whether you're doing anything physical or not. I hope you continue to heal at your own pace and know we're here for you. Take care

[floridaorchid]

Aunt Rapunzel I am so sorry, and unfortunately had something similar happen. My dad passed unexpectedly in 2021.
Most salons do a treatment service that usually runs $10-$20 where I live. I would get one a month after he passed because it was easier to have someone else do it. Other than that I would just keep it in a braid for long periods of time.
I am so sorry about your mother, and that pain can feel so deeply. You're right, emotions are very strong and everything feels like it's shifted to a before and after this life event. Know you will always have friends here that love and send you well wishes during this hard time.