Hair envy, and not the healthy kind

[Iyashikei]

Lately I've been seeing some beautiful heads of hair and it really bugs me, because mine will never look like that. It's not nessecarily the length, but more how thick it looks. I have pretty thick hair myself but because its so fine it just doesn't look the part. Also, it looks like theirs is the exact right texture for them. In other words: I'm jealous, the kind of jealous that might eventually become toxic. The worst thing is that a lot of them are probably extensions, how can you be jealous of that?

Has anyone ever had problems with this? And if yes, how did you get rid of it? I don't want this envy to actually become toxic enough to really undermine my mental health especially since it's now the best it's ever been.

[lapushka]

Nope. I am just not that type of person.

But it's a good thing that you realize it about yourself, so you can actually handle it and do something about it.

[Bri-Chan]

I was in a similar situation years ago.
What helped me was taking inspiration from people with hair similar to mine. Changing the ideal goal to something achievable.
But it wasn't a fast process, it took me years to realize every hair kind of hair has potential.

[alewyn]

I was in a similar situation years ago.
What helped me was taking inspiration from people with hair similar to mine. Changing the ideal goal to something achievable.
But it wasn't a fast process, it took me years to realize every hair kind of hair has potential.

^^^ This, 100%. In high school, I used to watch all these youtubers with silky, straight, super-thick knee-length hair that had no taper, and beat myself up about how mine wouldn't look like that no matter what. Once I realized that, I started gradually seeking out inspirational pics from people with hair more like mine, it was a game changer. LHC is great for that too! Sometimes you'll think someone's hair looks *so good* when they post here, and then realize, hey, it doesn't look that different from yours.

[stephlynette]

I used to get like that at times, but looking for and following advice from others with your same hair type helps, for me at least.

[baanoo]

Firstly, I would like to say that every time you have posted a photo I have really enjoyed your thickness, texture, and the natural body of your hair and think it’s quite beautiful.

Secondly, we always want what we don’t have. If I was only to compare myself to, say, Lapis or Estrid, for example - who both have thicker and coarser hair than I do - I would be constantly disappointed in my own genes! That attitude also dismisses the individual struggles of the idolized person, because the secret envious voice is whispering, “but how can they complain about X/be insecure about Y when they have such perfect hair!” and I don’t want to enter into that kind of thinking.

Instead, I center my hair journey on the fact that it is entirely for me. Not for my partner/parents/social expectation/whatever, but because it’s a journey I am undertaking for myself and myself alone.

My hair is fine, and fine hair compresses. I won’t ever have a gorgeously thick crown braid like someone with C/iii hair does because my hair is not like that. I can only have the best version of my hair - which is probably someone else’s dream hair and I just don’t know it.

Envy is an interesting emotion to sit with because when we analyze it, it helps us to understand more fully the fear/insecurity that creates it. What is the root of this feeling? Do I expect myself to be Perfect In All Things and I’m experiencing a manifestation of that? Am I channeling someone else in my life’s judgements or values about what “good hair” is?

I don’t know if these thoughts are helpful but I hope they can at least aid you in beginning to understand your feelings and shift them. There’s a member search function here in which you can sort folks by their classifiers; it may help you to browse photo albums of other LHCers with similar texture/thickness/density in order to recalibrate your mental image of what your hair actually looks like (and not the story you’ve made for it in your mind) as opposed to seeing so many of the hair-people who have been getting you down. :heartbeat:

[Bat]

Lately I've been seeing some beautiful heads of hair and it really bugs me, because mine will never look like that. It's not nessecarily the length, but more how thick it looks. I have pretty thick hair myself but because its so fine it just doesn't look the part. Also, it looks like theirs is the exact right texture for them. In other words: I'm jealous, the kind of jealous that might eventually become toxic. The worst thing is that a lot of them are probably extensions, how can you be jealous of that?

Has anyone ever had problems with this? And if yes, how did you get rid of it? I don't want this envy to actually become toxic enough to really undermine my mental health especially since it's now the best it's ever been.
First of I think your hair looks great but I experience all the time the feeling you are having for me it's something I struggle with every day some days are better than others.

You just have to try push thoughts like that our of your mind. Easier said than done of course.

[Iyashikei]

I was in a similar situation years ago.
What helped me was taking inspiration from people with hair similar to mine. Changing the ideal goal to something achievable.
But it wasn't a fast process, it took me years to realize every hair kind of hair has potential.


^^^ This, 100%. In high school, I used to watch all these youtubers with silky, straight, super-thick knee-length hair that had no taper, and beat myself up about how mine wouldn't look like that no matter what. Once I realized that, I started gradually seeking out inspirational pics from people with hair more like mine, it was a game changer. LHC is great for that too! Sometimes you'll think someone's hair looks *so good* when they post here, and then realize, hey, it doesn't look that different from yours.


I used to get like that at times, but looking for and following advice from others with your same hair type helps, for me at least.
Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I'm not making it easy for myself because my latest inspirations are all East or Southeast Asian who, from what I can tell, generally have way coarser hair than Whithey Mcwhiteface me. Of course I don't want to be Asian myself but I'd die for their coarseness even if I know it comes with its cons.


Firstly, I would like to say that every time you have posted a photo I have really enjoyed your thickness, texture, and the natural body of your hair and think it’s quite beautiful.
Thank you. I have been really happy about the latest picture to the point of euphoria because it made me look better than I have ever looked. I just wish I could have a good feeling about other styles too.


Secondly, we always want what we don’t have. If I was only to compare myself to, say, Lapis or Estrid, for example - who both have thicker and coarser hair than I do - I would be constantly disappointed in my own genes! That attitude also dismisses the individual struggles of the idolized person, because the secret envious voice is whispering, “but how can they complain about X/be insecure about Y when they have such perfect hair!” and I don’t want to enter into that kind of thinking.
And that's exactly the attitude I want to avoid. I hate it when people dismiss other peoples' problems or insecurities because those others have something they don't have. It's dishonest towards yourself at best and flat out destructive at worst.


Instead, I center my hair journey on the fact that it is entirely for me. Not for my partner/parents/social expectation/whatever, but because it’s a journey I am undertaking for myself and myself alone.
I do that too, if I did my hair wouldn't even reach my ears.


My hair is fine, and fine hair compresses. I won’t ever have a gorgeously thick crown braid like someone with C/iii hair does because my hair is not like that. I can only have the best version of my hair - which is probably someone else’s dream hair and I just don’t know it.
I didn't think about that last sentence, or at least not that way. The way I thought about it was that my fine hair would probably suit a different face that is, you know, not mine.


Envy is an interesting emotion to sit with because when we analyze it, it helps us to understand more fully the fear/insecurity that creates it. What is the root of this feeling? Do I expect myself to be Perfect In All Things and I’m experiencing a manifestation of that? Am I channeling someone else in my life’s judgements or values about what “good hair” is?
True. Right now I'm breaking my head as to why I feel like this. I know I looked good with the short hair but that just wasn't me. Now my hair is longer than it's ever been and I feel like this. It seems like I'm quite hard to please when it comes to the way I look. All I know is that it's not other peoples' expectations.


I don’t know if these thoughts are helpful but I hope they can at least aid you in beginning to understand your feelings and shift them. There’s a member search function here in which you can sort folks by their classifiers; it may help you to browse photo albums of other LHCers with similar texture/thickness/density in order to recalibrate your mental image of what your hair actually looks like (and not the story you’ve made for it in your mind) as opposed to seeing so many of the hair-people who have been getting you down. :heartbeat:
I might try that function out. You were very insightful and brightened up my morning, so thank you.

[Iyashikei]

First of I think your hair looks great but I experience all the time the feeling you are having for me it's something I struggle with every day some days are better than others.

You just have to try push thoughts like that our of your mind. Easier said than done of course.
And here I am listening to your advice when I flat out called you too harsh on yourself so many times. But yeah, as someone with a history of self-esteem issues I can confirm pushing through those thoughts is very hard. Thank you.

[Bat]

And here I am listening to your advice when I flat out called you too harsh on yourself so many times. But yeah, as someone with a history of self-esteem issues I can confirm pushing through those thoughts is very hard. Thank you.

Advice is easy, putting said advice in to practice is another point entirely

[Corvana]

Lately I've been seeing some beautiful heads of hair and it really bugs me, because mine will never look like that. It's not nessecarily the length, but more how thick it looks. I have pretty thick hair myself but because its so fine it just doesn't look the part. Also, it looks like theirs is the exact right texture for them. In other words: I'm jealous, the kind of jealous that might eventually become toxic. The worst thing is that a lot of them are probably extensions, how can you be jealous of that?

Has anyone ever had problems with this? And if yes, how did you get rid of it? I don't want this envy to actually become toxic enough to really undermine my mental health especially since it's now the best it's ever been.

Oh man, I for sure have! I used to be green with envy over wavy and curly hair. I ended up making a list of the good things about my own hair that others might find enviable! My hair ended up being wavier than I'd ever thought, but it did still take some time to not want the 2c hair I'd always dreamed of. Now my hair isn't even that wavy because it's so heavy :laugh: But also now I love my hair for what it is, and while I want to do some fun things with it (henna, for example), I don't see that as "making my hair better" anymore. Now it's just a fun little time! If I never got around to it, I don't think I'd be overly bothered at all, even though I've always loved having red hair.

My hair as it is now is so shiny and soft, and long, and the color is really nice on its own! It's fairly thick (not Thick thick, but more than average), and it's quite strong for the most part. And yeah, it's a little wavy and I love that about it! But it's also not "the only thing good" about it either, so I don't really think about it all that much anymore.

So that's my advice: Make a list of the things that are nice about your hair, and put it somewhere you'll see it often.

I also found someone here with fairly similar hair to mine, and that did help as well! But the most help for me came from just seeing positive aspects of my hair all the time, which eventually tricked my brain into agreeing (fake it until you make it!)

[Iyashikei]

I just watched one of the people I envy this much with a hairstyle and length similar to mine and lo and behold, when I try to recreate the pic with my camera my hair looks just as thick as hers! I mean, this is her

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/734227545471978007/

And yet I am still envious of her for how it suits her. Probably this is still some leftover from way back but I think I need to do some serious soul searching as to why I feel this way because I know for a fact that long hair suits me. Might it be because I don't have the right cut for my face? Is there something deeper going on? Finding this out will be crucial, but it might take a while if it's not just a right-cut-for-the-right-face kind of thing.

[TatsuOni]

I just watched one of the people I envy this much with a hairstyle and length similar to mine and lo and behold, when I try to recreate the pic with my camera my hair looks just as thick as hers! I mean, this is her

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/734227545471978007/

And yet I am still envious of her for how it suits her. Probably this is still some leftover from way back but I think I need to do some serious soul searching as to why I feel this way because I know for a fact that long hair suits me. Might it be because I don't have the right cut for my face? Is there something deeper going on? Finding this out will be crucial, but it might take a while if it's not just a right-cut-for-the-right-face kind of thing.

As for how it looks with her face. She has a ton of makeup, the right lightning, probably a stylist and then the picture is edited. None of us is ever going to actually look that way in real life.

I know it probably doesn't make you feel better, but you're feeling envy over something that isn't actually real.

[lapushka]

I used to get like that at times, but looking for and following advice from others with your same hair type helps, for me at least.

Yeah, I got fine hair, but a lot of it as well, granted it has some texture to it, and that sort of makes up for the fineness of the strands as they bulk up and out quite a bit.

What's your texture like?

My mom has i hair and fine as well, and there's nothing she can do. She often looks at me with admiration, but let me tell you most each and every texture has its "I don't want it" and "I don't know how to deal with it" and "I wish it were xyz". We all have that to some degree.

After years of sometimes wanting what I couldn't have (but not being nasty about it), I grew content with both color & texture. That only happened in my 30s, though.

And yes, I have to second baanoo, the few pictures I've seen were very nice! Nothing wrong with it, whatsoever. Now, maybe that's not what you want to hear, but perhaps it's what you need to hear.

[olivetime]

Maybe take a break from the forums and looking at other people's hair. Even a break from looking at your own hair!

[GordonMurphella]

Firstly, I would like to say that every time you have posted a photo I have really enjoyed your thickness, texture, and the natural body of your hair and think it’s quite beautiful.

Secondly, we always want what we don’t have. If I was only to compare myself to, say, Lapis or Estrid, for example - who both have thicker and coarser hair than I do - I would be constantly disappointed in my own genes! That attitude also dismisses the individual struggles of the idolized person, because the secret envious voice is whispering, “but how can they complain about X/be insecure about Y when they have such perfect hair!” and I don’t want to enter into that kind of thinking.

Instead, I center my hair journey on the fact that it is entirely for me. Not for my partner/parents/social expectation/whatever, but because it’s a journey I am undertaking for myself and myself alone.

My hair is fine, and fine hair compresses. I won’t ever have a gorgeously thick crown braid like someone with C/iii hair does because my hair is not like that. I can only have the best version of my hair - which is probably someone else’s dream hair and I just don’t know it.

Envy is an interesting emotion to sit with because when we analyze it, it helps us to understand more fully the fear/insecurity that creates it. What is the root of this feeling? Do I expect myself to be Perfect In All Things and I’m experiencing a manifestation of that? Am I channeling someone else in my life’s judgements or values about what “good hair” is?

I don’t know if these thoughts are helpful but I hope they can at least aid you in beginning to understand your feelings and shift them. There’s a member search function here in which you can sort folks by their classifiers; it may help you to browse photo albums of other LHCers with similar texture/thickness/density in order to recalibrate your mental image of what your hair actually looks like (and not the story you’ve made for it in your mind) as opposed to seeing so many of the hair-people who have been getting you down. :heartbeat:

What a wise and kind post. OP, I hope you can refocus, as (speaking from age and experience) this feeling will eat up time and life experience, and it's all to short to begin with. (Unintentional hair pun in there to lighten up the mood!). I hope you find a way to feel better.

[Iyashikei]

Maybe take a break from the forums and looking at other people's hair. Even a break from looking at your own hair!
I don't think it's just my hair because when I take a good look at how my body looks I don't like that either, and that's despite me knowing I'm quite handsome. The more I think about it the more talking about it with my therapist sounds like the best idea. Doesn't mean that your answers aren't helpful though because you at least put my mind a bit more at ease for now.

[lapushka]

I don't think it's just my hair because when I take a good look at how my body looks I don't like that either, and that's despite me knowing I'm quite handsome. The more I think about it the more talking about it with my therapist sounds like the best idea. Doesn't mean that your answers aren't helpful though because you at least put my mind a bit more at ease for now.

Welp... I guess that's as far as we can take it then? :(

I mean, it's a useful post, IMO.

I'm sure there's others who feel that way as well.

[baanoo]

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, I'm not making it easy for myself because my latest inspirations are all East or Southeast Asian who, from what I can tell, generally have way coarser hair than Whithey Mcwhiteface me. Of course I don't want to be Asian myself but I'd die for their coarseness even if I know it comes with its cons.


Thank you. I have been really happy about the latest picture to the point of euphoria because it made me look better than I have ever looked. I just wish I could have a good feeling about other styles too.


And that's exactly the attitude I want to avoid. I hate it when people dismiss other peoples' problems or insecurities because those others have something they don't have. It's dishonest towards yourself at best and flat out destructive at worst.


I do that too, if I did my hair wouldn't even reach my ears.


I didn't think about that last sentence, or at least not that way. The way I thought about it was that my fine hair would probably suit a different face that is, you know, not mine.


True. Right now I'm breaking my head as to why I feel like this. I know I looked good with the short hair but that just wasn't me. Now my hair is longer than it's ever been and I feel like this. It seems like I'm quite hard to please when it comes to the way I look. All I know is that it's not other peoples' expectations.


I might try that function out. You were very insightful and brightened up my morning, so thank you.

I’m so glad to have been encouraging! I would also like to chime in and second Tatsu’s comment about styling, makeup, lighting, etc - not to be flip, but it’s really a “maybe she’s born with it / maybe it’s Maybelline” kind of scenario.

Talking through these experiences of disconnect with regards to your hair and body with your therapist will help.

As one more aside, I always felt like my hair was the most challenging from about shoulder to APL - I didn’t like it no matter how it was styled, I was unreasonably critical, and other people thought it looked great! So one part of this may be that this is an awkward length for you.

[Iyashikei]

I’m so glad to have been encouraging! I would also like to chime in and second Tatsu’s comment about styling, makeup, lighting, etc - not to be flip, but it’s really a “maybe she’s born with it / maybe it’s Maybelline” kind of scenario.

Talking through these experiences of disconnect with regards to your hair and body with your therapist will help.

As one more aside, I always felt like my hair was the most challenging from about shoulder to APL - I didn’t like it no matter how it was styled, I was unreasonably critical, and other people thought it looked great! So one part of this may be that this is an awkward length for you.
I don't really buy the makeup, lighting etc. thing because I see a hairstyle as one of the foundations of ones beauty. You can put on as much makeup as you want, have the best camera angle with great lighting and amazing photographers but if your hairstyle looks bad on you that's just not going to look good, or at least not as good. The girl in the link for example would look weird with hair in the 3's or a pixie.

But yeah, maybe this is an awkward length for me. I know that I barely called it three months ago and I'm already tired of it. Doesn't help that MBL is my actual goal length so while it's within reach it does feel far away.

[lapushka]

I don't really buy the makeup, lighting etc. thing because I see a hairstyle as one of the foundations of ones beauty. You can put on as much makeup as you want, have the best camera angle with great lighting and amazing photographers but if your hairstyle looks bad on you that's just not going to look good, or at least not as good. The girl in the link for example would look weird with hair in the 3's or a pixie.

But yeah, maybe this is an awkward length for me. I know that I barely called it three months ago and I'm already tired of it. Doesn't help that MBL is my actual goal length so while it's within reach it does feel far away.

Why? This shocks me.

[SeppV]

I don't really buy the makeup, lighting etc. thing because I see a hairstyle as one of the foundations of ones beauty. You can put on as much makeup as you want, have the best camera angle with great lighting and amazing photographers but if your hairstyle looks bad on you that's just not going to look good, or at least not as good. The girl in the link for example would look weird with hair in the 3's or a pixie.

But yeah, maybe this is an awkward length for me. I know that I barely called it three months ago and I'm already tired of it. Doesn't help that MBL is my actual goal length so while it's within reach it does feel far away.

If I understand you correctly, I partially agree with you (except, I think this woman would probably look good with most any hair style, because her face is very pretty!). But I do agree that it's not the makeup, lighting etc. (although that does enhance her beauty, of course)

As you said, this is more of a question for your therapist, because it goes deeper than just hair I suppose. But for all of us it's important to remember, I believe, that there are people (many!) that are more beautiful than us and that have better hair ,or whatever it might, be that we are jealous of.... and not all of that is retouch. Pity that a lot of beauty is fake, but there certainly is enough real beauty out there to make us jealous. I will not be the most beautiful person in the room at all times, and some of us will actually be the least (physically) beautiful person in the room or the one with the hair that looks the poorest, and that's fine. Is it easy? No. Harder for some than others. But it's true, and somehow we have to learn to coope with that fact. Anyway, physical beauty will fade, most certainly, but inner beauty won't. Not saying there is anything wrong with being physically beautiful, it's wonderful to have beauty to behold with our eyes too (like art). It's all about perspective though.

The other day we had family over who had some very difficult issues going on. It was tiring to have them over, as I have babies myself and now I had six more people to feed and entertain. I really didn't do my tasks joyfully. One evening an older lady came visiting with some bread she had baked for us all, and she was just being her kind self. When she left I felt so small! She had such an aura of genuine compassion and an attitude of putting other's needs before her own that made my selfishness really stand out comparing. I made up my mind to aspire towards that! Why am I mentioning? Well, she wasn't young and stunning anymore; with my 29 years I outshone her in outward beauty, but her inner beauty shone much stronger than my young, physical beauty did. It was a bit of a wake up call for me on what actually matters.

[Glitch]

If I understand you correctly, I partially agree with you (except, I think this woman would probably look good with most any hair style, because her face is very pretty!). But I do agree that it's not the makeup, lighting etc. (although that does enhance her beauty, of course)

As you said, this is more of a question for your therapist, because it goes deeper than just hair I suppose. But for all of us it's important to remember, I believe, that there are people (many!) that are more beautiful than us and that have better hair ,or whatever it might, be that we are jealous of.... and not all of that is retouch. Pity that a lot of beauty is fake, but there certainly is enough real beauty out there to make us jealous. I will not be the most beautiful person in the room at all times, and some of us will actually be the least (physically) beautiful person in the room or the one with the hair that looks the poorest, and that's fine. Is it easy? No. Harder for some than others. But it's true, and somehow we have to learn to coope with that fact. Anyway, physical beauty will fade, most certainly, but inner beauty won't. Not saying there is anything wrong with being physically beautiful, it's wonderful to have beauty to behold with our eyes too (like art). It's all about perspective though.

The other day we had family over who had some very difficult issues going on. It was tiring to have them over, as I have babies myself and now I had six more people to feed and entertain. I really didn't do my tasks joyfully. One evening an older lady came visiting with some bread she had baked for us all, and she was just being her kind self. When she left I felt so small! She had such an aura of genuine compassion and an attitude of putting other's needs before her own that made my selfishness really stand out comparing. I made up my mind to aspire towards that! Why am I mentioning? Well, she wasn't young and stunning anymore; with my 29 years I outshone her in outward beauty, but her inner beauty shone much stronger than my young, physical beauty did. It was a bit of a wake up call for me on what actually matters.

I don't have much to add, but I loved this story so much. Thank you for sharing it. :flower:

[squirrrel]

I don't have much to add, but I loved this story so much. Thank you for sharing it. :flower:

Yes. Well worth hearing…. As for the picture mentioned: for me it was a reminder that beauty is in the eye of the beholder as my reaction to it was a bit ‘blah’. It did nothing for me so feeling jealous about how she looks wouldn’t ever have occurred to me. Interesting.

[lapushka]

I don't have much to add, but I loved this story so much. Thank you for sharing it. :flower:

Yes, I love it! :)

[Abacus]

First of all, loved that story SeppV, I have known some people in my life who make me feel like that too and want to aspire to that type of energy.

Second of all, I have some perspectives about hair and being ok with ones physical appearance. I think what others brought up before, about finding people who have your hair type or look like you who inspire you is absolutely crucial. That was a lesson I had to learn a long time ago. I grew up getting teased about my hair a lot and the role models I had for beauty didn't look like me. When I got older I sought out people with my hair type and re-programmed myself about what I thought was beautiful. I did this not just for hair, but also for my body and my face and style -- and not only did I seek out people who looked like me, but I sought out people who didn't look like me at all but were the opposite to what I had been taught was beautiful by the dominant culture (So all skin tones, all hair types and thicknesses, all body types, disabilities, age etc etc.) Going through that unlearning process is liberating and allowed me to love my appearance not over or under anyone elses, but alongside. I think both practices (getting inspired by people who look like me, and learning to deeply and genuinely appreciate a lot of different types of physical beauty, especially the kinds that dominant culture says aren't beautiful) have been pretty crucial in giving me peace of mind.