Long hair and sensory issues... I miss having a buzz cut but I love long hair.

[0xalis]

So I'm on the autistic spectrum. I also just had a baby 2 months ago. I'm under a lot of stress so I'm more prone to having sensory overload.
I'm really struggling with feeling like I want to shave all my hair off again... I've already been thinking about it for more than 2 weeks too.

I very strongly prefer the way I look with long hair.
I'm non-binary but I prefer a ""feminine"" appearance, and when I have short hair I pass as a man very easily because I have such an androgynous face.
Because of this I hate how I look in dresses and skirts if I have short hair. I would probably have to change my whole wardrobe again.

I don't have the time or the energy to wash my hair as often as I need to to keep my scalp from getting itchy.
The way hair feels when it's freshly washed is a sensory pleasure for me, but greasy hair is sensory hell.
Most of the week my hair is sensory hell because I have a baby and I can't be devoting an hour to washing my hair three times a week.
I don't know why my wash day showers take that long they just do, even when I think I'm rushing, and even though my hair is only APL+.
I'm not going to wash my hair in the sink, I hate doing that.


I have also been noticing shed hairs everywhere lately. I don't know if I'm shedding more (which is very possible because I'm currently anemic) or if it's just bothering me more, but either way it's really irritating. I'm not losing handfuls or anything, but without fail 1-5 hairs come out every time I run my hands through it.

When I can actually take care of it, my hair is beautiful and very healthy. I was having such a smooth growth journey until recently. I was thinking of going as long as knee!
But now with the baby, and considering that she's going to be taking up most of my attention for the next few years... I'm really missing my buzz cut.

Most of the things that make me not want to have a buzz cut relate to how I look. I rarely have chances to leave the house because of the baby.
Nobody's even going to see me! I am incredibly self-conscious though. I hate my face enough as it is, I'd have to avoid mirrors and the selfie cam like the plague...

Obviously wigs are an option. I'd probably get one. But that's one more thing to clutter up my home and I'd have to deal with the physical sensation of wearing a wig so I probably wouldn't even wear it that often.

I'm sure you're wondering why I don't just cut my hair back to like chin length or something rather than shaving it all off.
Well it's quite simple: I hate every length between one inch and APL, that entire span is my "awkward phase". It's just so ungodly annoying.

What do you think you would do if you were me? If your hair was annoying you every single day, even though you absolutely love the way it looks sometimes, and the ONLY options were to keep growing or shave it all off... what would your choice be?

ETA: wanted to show my buzz vs my hair now:
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/668563929282117725/923994636748468234/buzz_vs_long.png?width=455&height=572

[AmaryllisRed]

First off, :grouphug:
As you said, you just had a baby two months ago. So any decision you make is likely to be fueled by hormones. Honestly any decision made when you have a baby has a much better chance at being a bad decision. If it were possible, I'd say wait until six months postpartum. Give your body and your emotions more time to recover.

But I'm wondering, why can't you take time to wash as often as you'd like? Can you hand her off to your partner or is that an issue?
(If it is, I understand. I always had to skip showers when my kids were babies or bring them into the bathroom and shower while they cried because I never had help. Or I just dealt with being gross, but that's not fun and it sounds like it's a pretty serious issue for you. At any rate, people should be allowed to shower when they want to shower.)

It could be that you would shave your head and then in two weeks things with baby would be much more manageable and you'd have plenty of time to shower.
It could be that you'd shave your head and then find something else was setting you off.

You do have really pretty hair and I'm sorry it's causing you such grief lately.

[enfys]

I'm also autistic and totally get the sensory issues that come with that, so you have my empathy with that.

I have some suggestions of things you may have tried, or may not be have, that could help.
Have you tried things like dry shampoo to make your hair feel less unclean? It bring it's own sensory difference to clean hair though, especially if you wear it loose. Secondly, have you tried wearing it up so you can't feel the movement of it? I can't bear the feeling of my hair on me, and if it's even one day after washing it's worse because I feel like it moves completely differently at the roots. Also, wearing it up means the shed hairs will all come out together when you brush instead of coming out randomly through the day. For washing, have you tried to use conditioner only? On days wheny joints are bad and it's physically painfup to dp my full wash routine, this gives me a way to clean my hair in jist the time it takes to rinse out the conditioner. You can put it on dry hair, leave it a while as you do other errands - which I can imagine there are plenty of with a new baby - and then when you rinse the roots are clean and the length already well conditioned so you don't have to put more on. is Lastly have you tried brushing with a boar bristle brush to redistribute the oil down the shaft? Like when it's tied up, this helps with the roots and lengths not feeling different from each other which is one of my sensory issues.

Sorry that's so much text! I hope some of these ideas help you if you try them. Personally, as my hair has got longer it's got much more controllable and I would lean towards that being better in the long run. It's probably taken you a over a year to reach this length and you do seem to love it. There's been a huge change taking place with having a baby that will affect everything emotionally and practically as you find new routines and it might be that deep down this is the problem, and your hair is how you're channelling it.

[missmelaniem]

I’d honestly try to figure out a way to get it clean enough for me to feel comfortable with over cutting it. I don’t know what that would be for you but you may want to toy with various waterless options out there before you cut. Cutting it seems like a “permanent “ (not really but it will take time to grow back) solution to a temporary problem.

[0xalis]

First off, :grouphug:
As you said, you just had a baby two months ago. So any decision you make is likely to be fueled by hormones. Honestly any decision made when you have a baby has a much better chance at being a bad decision. If it were possible, I'd say wait until six months postpartum. Give your body and your emotions more time to recover.

But I'm wondering, why can't you take time to wash as often as you'd like? Can you hand her off to your partner or is that an issue?
(If it is, I understand. I always had to skip showers when my kids were babies or bring them into the bathroom and shower while they cried because I never had help. Or I just dealt with being gross, but that's not fun and it sounds like it's a pretty serious issue for you. At any rate, people should be allowed to shower when they want to shower.)

It could be that you would shave your head and then in two weeks things with baby would be much more manageable and you'd have plenty of time to shower.
It could be that you'd shave your head and then find something else was setting you off.

You do have really pretty hair and I'm sorry it's causing you such grief lately.

Yeah the issue is that she cries really hard when I leave. Doesn't feel fair to the baby or my partner to give myself spa days 3x a week. I still take rinse-off non-hair-wash showers about every other day.
Ironically I'm more worried about putting off shaving my head and then doing it and regretting not doing it sooner... weird right?
And yeah I am worried I'm taking out a need for change out on my hair... but it really is genuinely causing problems that would be solved by not having any :(



I'm also autistic and totally get the sensory issues that come with that, so you have my empathy with that.

I have some suggestions of things you may have tried, or may not be have, that could help.
Have you tried things like dry shampoo to make your hair feel less unclean? It bring it's own sensory difference to clean hair though, especially if you wear it loose. Secondly, have you tried wearing it up so you can't feel the movement of it? I can't bear the feeling of my hair on me, and if it's even one day after washing it's worse because I feel like it moves completely differently at the roots. Also, wearing it up means the shed hairs will all come out together when you brush instead of coming out randomly through the day. For washing, have you tried to use conditioner only? On days wheny joints are bad and it's physically painfup to dp my full wash routine, this gives me a way to clean my hair in jist the time it takes to rinse out the conditioner. You can put it on dry hair, leave it a while as you do other errands - which I can imagine there are plenty of with a new baby - and then when you rinse the roots are clean and the length already well conditioned so you don't have to put more on. is Lastly have you tried brushing with a boar bristle brush to redistribute the oil down the shaft? Like when it's tied up, this helps with the roots and lengths not feeling different from each other which is one of my sensory issues.

Sorry that's so much text! I hope some of these ideas help you if you try them. Personally, as my hair has got longer it's got much more controllable and I would lean towards that being better in the long run. It's probably taken you a over a year to reach this length and you do seem to love it. There's been a huge change taking place with having a baby that will affect everything emotionally and practically as you find new routines and it might be that deep down this is the problem, and your hair is how you're channelling it.

Don't worry, not too much text at all!
Yeah unfortunately I hate dry shampoo, and I do already wear my hair up most of the time. I don't enjoy having to, it can hurt when I take it down :( wearing it down is comfortable but inconvenient.
I've done CO before but it can exacerbate the itchy scalp! :(

Thanks to both of you, I appreciate the advice and empathy!

[AmaryllisRed]

Yeah the issue is that she cries really hard when I leave. Doesn't feel fair to the baby or my partner to give myself spa days 3x a week. I still take rinse-off non-hair-wash showers about every other day.
Ironically I'm more worried about putting off shaving my head and then doing it and regretting not doing it sooner... weird right?
And yeah I am worried I'm taking out a need for change out on my hair... but it really is genuinely causing problems that would be solved by not having any :(




Don't worry, not too much text at all!
Yeah unfortunately I hate dry shampoo, and I do already wear my hair up most of the time. I don't enjoy having to, it can hurt when I take it down :( wearing it down is comfortable but inconvenient.
I've done CO before but it can exacerbate the itchy scalp! :(

Thanks to both of you, I appreciate the advice and empathy!

Not saying spa days, but 10-20 minutes a week to wash your hair isn't being unfair. What if your partner brought baby into the bathroom so she could still see you? Maybe that's weird haha.
I don't remember when they start to like peek-a-boo but I remember LOTS of showers peppered with peeking around the curtain saying boo to keep a baby from crying. The things we do. :)
In the end, if you're sure this is what you want, it is just hair and it does grow back. And if I remember correctly, you've got a pretty good growth rate even before pregnancy, right? So you could be growing it back as baby is growing and getting more used to you leaving but always coming back. :)

[lapushka]

Well, I look at it this way. You have "seasons" in life, and sometimes you have to go with... what you have to run with. If it's easier right now with baby and it is the most important thing right now: do it and you will not regret it, because there are reasons for it.

I am heavily pro: do it, because I understand why.

And after the entire anemic phase & post-partum shed, you can pick up where you left off, and then baby will be almost walking, probably, and you'll get a whole nother stress-level (LOL), they will get into absolutely everything when they can take off and run! Trust me. ;)

Just be a great momma right now, that's the best you can do.

That's the way I approach this.

[momof3mary]

Another Autistic person here! I would say that you do whatever you feel you need now. You can always grow your hair out again when baby is older. You can even keep your hair clippings and make extensions for the grow out process if you decide to regrow.

[thatsideoflife]

Yay, want to thank you for this post! I'm pregnant, due in March, and anticipating having these same feelings. I watched another friend go through it last year after her baby was born; hair loss and desire to cut hair. I am barely shedding at all right now, and can expect a huge drop after giving birth (it's very common). But I've been doing very minimal showers now for almost a year, sort of in an effort to prepare for baby.

As far as shaving it all of... I would try my hardest to resist, but nothing's a big deal if it ended up happening. So maybe not worth resisting at all? I think the balance between achieving my long term goals, and watching them float away in the wind as motherhood takes over is a dance that no one gets perfectly. Whatever you choose, be gentle with yourself, love yourself for all of it.

[memeow]

You have to do what works for you and your family, but if you very strongly prefer having long hair have you tried keeping it up nearly all the time? Aside from the protection part of updos I’ve found they’re helpful because

1. When my hair is up I’m not absentmindedly touching it. It turns out it stays cleaner way longer if I’m handling it and touching my scalp less.
2. The bad feeling of greasy hair bothers me way less when it’s up.
3. I notice split ends and shed hairs way less when it’s up
4. Detangling is way faster when it’s up most of the time

I’m also surprised it’s taking you an hour to wash your hair. I can do a basic shampoo and conditioner in less than 10 minutes. If time is really of the essence I sometimes use a 2-in-1 product, which can get me in and out in 5 minutes.

I’m all for making life as simple as possible, but when you talk about avoiding mirrors and not wanting to go outside with a buzz cut it makes me think chopping would be a mistake. Mental health is important too. And if you hate everything between a buzz and apl you’d be looking at more than a year to feel good about your hair again. Even if you’re looking at 3 days a week of hour long showers, that seems like a reasonable investment if it’s the difference between feeling comfortable running an errand or not. And if you can either shorten the wash time or get it down to two washes a week that seems even more doable. This is such a temporary phase of your life and it’s going to pass. If it were me I’d definitely try the 2-in-1 shampoo, and maybe set up some timers somewhere you can see from the shower to try and get a handle on why it’s taking an hour. That’s just so much longer than I spend washing my hair it’s hard to see where the time would go.

[Lady Stardust]

Hugs :grouphug:

Some people say the first 6 weeks with a baby are the hardest, but others say 12 weeks and I’m in that camp! It might be worth holding off any decision until things feel less manic.

It’s easy to lose yourself into mum role and give up everything for the baby, because it’s so hard to take time for yourself. It’s really worthwhile to find a way to make time, and to do the things that are important to you.

I used to sit my daughter in a bouncy chair next to the bath, or I would wash my hair/have a bath while she had a nap, or when my husband could look after her. Once things got into a routine, there would be a particular time of day that was best. For a while that was first thing in the morning, after I’d changed her and fed her. My daughter is 6 now and it’s still difficult to find time for myself but it’s non negotiable, it has to happen. I do sympathise, it’s hard to take time for yourself when you can hear her crying and every part of you wants to go and comfort her. It will get easier :grouphug:

As an aside, my daughter has sensory issues and she hates the sound of the shower. She is able to tell me this herself now, but for a long time we didn’t realise. Sometimes it’s hard to tell what is separation anxiety and what is some other form of distress. I wash her hair with a jug now so she doesn’t have to deal with the noise. She still asks me not to wash my hair but she has ways to cope with it.

[lapis_lazuli]

:grouphug: 0xalis,

There isn't a right or wrong here. As you said, you're under huge stress right now, and it would be hard to feel certain in any decision. Whatever you settle on, it will be okay. There's pros and cons on both sides of this, and if right now it feels a buzzcut will relieve even a little of that stress, that's a more than good enough reason to go ahead.

As I understood it, your sensory issues are exacerbated by the current stress and once that recedes (hopefully as baby gets older), long hair would feel more manageable again. In that case, it's not a bad idea to go back to buzzed for a while, and when life is a little more stable, you grow out again. You would have to tolerate that awkward stage, I know, but I'm sure you could conquer it as you have before.

I do empathize with you not liking how you look with your head shaved; that must feel really conflicting. I can hazard some suggestions for getting hair out of the way (and sorry if you've already tried them!) Could you do braids as a more comfortable alternative to updos? If you can french braid, you could even tuck it up and under. And this may not be practical as an everyday thing, but I sometimes just throw my hair into a silk cap and wear that around the house. It gets it all out of my face and out of my mind for a while. Maybe head scarves could be something to look into?

:grouphug:

[oldrocker]

Oxie....long time no talk....and I am a little trepidatious [sic] of even entering this discussion, but I was along the ride with you this last time growing out.

while I obviously cannot talk with any knowledge about hormones/feelings as a mom, especially post partum as the family I inherited, the youngest was 5, the 'logical' thing in my mind may not be anywhere near correct...but what the hell....my 2cents.

I remember the hopes you had going through all those awkward stages a while back....but could detect the true desire that you wanted your hair long enough to make you happy. Before having the baby, you seemed to be getting into that zone. I don't remember you talking about not 'liking' the way you looked when you were shaved, but apparently that is a major issue...as along with a lot of other people, we are our own worst critics, especially when it comes to our own self-perception.

I don't want to come across as being some arse who 'tells' you not to cut....you obviously have to do exactly what is best for you all around. it does seem that you are too close to the situation to know what you feel when it comes to the long term aspirations.....obviously a no-win situation for the most part(damned if you do, damned if you don't)

I would wonder if there are alternative situations that you haven't thought about (on a par with bringing the baby near the shower...etc...)? I doubt the baby sleeps through the night, but are there periods when she is asleep for a while? Could you sneak in a shower during this time on a semi-regular basis.

also, the hair up, hair down, and worrying about how greasy,etc... it is is likely compounded by how you think of it. could a simple thing like wearing a baseball style cap with a pony out the back get it out of the way where you wouldn't be touching it constantly,etc....I have seen some that even have a hole near the top which might further take it out of mind to worry about.

Just trying to think outside the box. I worry if you shave again, there will be the double whammy of you not liking how it looks(with the attendant dislike of going out), as well as the 'fear...for lack of a better word', of going through the uncomfortable stage to get where you like the look. You obviously have a lot of stress that unfortunately, those of us with extra mental baggage go through, doesn't help with making a decision one way or the other.

I hope you can find some neutral ground or the patience to hopefully get through this stressful period and that you can come out the other side with your beautiful soul still intact.

Sincerely, your LHC buddy,
O.R.

[embee]

This is something I've done in winter because then I cannot deal with long wet hair: I put my hair up in a bun/topknot. Cover that with a plastic bag tucked in around it. When in the shower, rinse the scalp. If you must, you could even carefully wash the edges of your scalp, rinsing well under the shower. Then most of the hair stays dry, and there's hardly any extra time involved at all.

I'd be reluctant to cut now that hormones are all upset, as others have said. It's a temporary stressful situation.

[MusicalSpoons]

:grouphug:

You have my sympathy, sensory issues can make life exceptionally difficult. Throw in extra hormones and I can only try to imagine how difficult things must be right now.

Ultimately if you can't find ways of reducing the stress from having long hair, the main question is probably one of weighing up the relief you'll get, against the impact it would have in your self-esteem and how you'll feel going through all the awkward stages to get back to APL where you feel happy with the length again. That's a calculation only you can make, obviously,

The one thing that crosses my mind, would a quick water rinse help with the sensory feel of not freshly-washed hair? Or even an acidic rinse matching the pH of scalp.

I don't know. But this is also something you should discuss thoroughly with your partner if you haven't already - if it turns out they really honestly don't mind having the baby crying while you wash your hair as often as necessary because they want you still to be able to do what you need to to keep happy and sane, then perhaps you may no longer feel it's quite such a problem. But if your partner feels the same way as you, then at least you'll know for absolutely certain :)

Obviously if you have to do it, then I hope it works out well and the relief outweighs the drawbacks! Whichever you decide, all the best to you :flowers:

[0xalis]

Thank you all so much! I read every comment. There are so many now that the idea of replying to everyone individually sounds overwhelming so I'll just address everyone...

I washed my hair today after making this post. Having freshly washed hair always alleviates most of my annoyance with it. It still obviously gets in the way and tickles my face lol, but it's so much less frustrating.

The reason it takes an hour for my wash day showers is mostly because I get distracted by how pleasant showering is. I also do a thorough detangling while I'm conditioning. I think I'm hyperbolizing when I say an hour, I think most of the time it's more like 40 minutes, but I still take ridiculously long showers. That's why it feels unfair for me to do it so many times a week, because showering feels so decadent to me.

I guess it doesn't help that I've internalized this idea that I'm supposed to give up everything for my kid and be miserable until she's off to kindergarten... But that's actually dumb because we take the best care of our kids when our own needs are properly met.

To be honest, the last time I had a buzz cut I actually wasn't that bothered by my appearance. I just dread the idea of going back because the one time I tried a dress on when my hair was buzzed I absolutely hated it and it made me feel... Dysphoric? And the vast majority of my clothes currently are dresses. Now that I've finally had longer hair again for the first time in ages I feel like it's be a much harder adjustment. Last time I went from a pixie to a buzz, so it wasn't quite as extreme. I've actually had buzz cuts so many times that I've lost count. So I know I wouldn't completely hate it... I just know that if I did shave my head and then I looked back on pictures of myself from now on good hair days I'd get really self conscious and jealous of myself because I'm so much "prettier" with long hair. Every time I have short hair that's what happens lol.

I'm also really attached to the progress I've made. This is the closest I've gotten to getting my hair back to the length it was when I did my first major chop on my 11th birthday. I had gone from somewhere between waist and hip to a chin length bob. My hair has never been that long since, it's been 14 years! If I keep growing I would be SO close to waist length by this time next year, as my hair seems to grow 7" per year like clockwork.

Honestly it could go either way. Shaving my head would be an opportunity to practice self acceptance and to bask in the convenience and sensory pleasure of short fuzzy hair. Continuing to grow would be an opportunity to practice patience and perseverance while continuing to look the way I feel the most like myself.

I think I will be fine either way. There are pros and cons to both choices. For now I will keep my hair and if I change my mind then I'll let you all know. I will always be a long hair enthusiast even when my own hair isn't, so I'll probably still be around regardless!

Again, thank you all for taking the time to weigh in <3

[MusicalSpoons]

Regarding getting distracted in the shower, I've certainly been there! Would perhaps alarms at certain (generous) intervals help to remind you that time is ticking by and it's time to move on to the next step? My brother listens to music (don't know how he hears it above the shower noise!) and knows that if he's not washing his hair by a certain point then he's taking 'too long'.

"we take the best care of our kids when our own needs are properly met" absolutely true, such an important thing to remember :D

[lapushka]

Regarding getting distracted in the shower, I've certainly been there! Would perhaps alarms at certain (generous) intervals help to remind you that time is ticking by and it's time to move on to the next step? My brother listens to music (don't know how he hears it above the shower noise!) and knows that if he's not washing his hair by a certain point then he's taking 'too long'.

"we take the best care of our kids when our own needs are properly met" absolutely true, such an important thing to remember :D

Maybe it would stress 0xalis out? But if not, I say that is a great piece of advice right there. Setting a cooking alarm for instance, next to the shower! That would do it. It would keep your mind more focused, perhaps, because it ticks (if it doesn't annoy you LOL) and it makes you conscious that minutes in there are precious.

[Bat]

Yeah the issue is that she cries really hard when I leave. Doesn't feel fair to the baby or my partner to give myself spa days 3x a week. I still take rinse-off non-hair-wash showers about every other day.
Ironically I'm more worried about putting off shaving my head and then doing it and regretting not doing it sooner... weird right?
And yeah I am worried I'm taking out a need for change out on my hair... but it really is genuinely causing problems that would be solved by not having any :(




Don't worry, not too much text at all!
Yeah unfortunately I hate dry shampoo, and I do already wear my hair up most of the time. I don't enjoy having to, it can hurt when I take it down :( wearing it down is comfortable but inconvenient.
I've done CO before but it can exacerbate the itchy scalp! :(

Thanks to both of you, I appreciate the advice and empathy!

You need the downtime every now and again even as a new parent or you'll burn out. You can try make it twice a week instead of three or bring her into the bathroom while you shower, or record a video of yourself talking so she can still hear your voice it could help

But if you need to you can always grow it back when she's older

[Iyashikei]

Fellow autistic person here, so I get what you mean. I read you made your decision already and even though I don't really know the situation as well as you I think it was the right one. The video recording suggested by Bat is a great idea. I would suggest taking the baby with you while you shower.

[lapushka]

Fellow autistic person here, so I get what you mean. I read you made your decision already and even though I don't really know the situation as well as you I think it was the right one. The video recording suggested by Bat is a great idea. I would suggest taking the baby with you while you shower.

Yep, put her in a bouncer seat right outside the shower, and this way, you constantly have an eye open for her, while you shower. It's what my mom did with me. Bouncer seats and pack 'n plays are a life-saver!

[Finda]

Would it be possible to shower when the baby sleeps?
A longhaired friend of mine got help from her mother in law who came around a couple of times in the morning to watch the baby while she washed her hair (I know that's not an option for everyone).
I think three hours out of the 168 hours a week has is not too much to ask to do some self-care, especially when you are more relaxed the rest of the time as a result.
But I do know a lot of young mothers who suddely cut their hair shorter after the birth, sometimes due to the post partum shed.
I wish you good luck with whatever you decide!

[0xalis]

So I can shower when DIL takes the baby upstairs, or I can leave her with my partner, or I can bring her with me. If I keep my hair I'm definitely going to make an effort to just wash it more often so I don't hate it.

...I can't stop debating myself over whether or not to cut it. Even though my hair is fresh and clean from yesterday's wash, I still find myself imagining how much simpler everything would be without my hair. But I also imagine how I might see other people's hair and get all envious (I already do that even with hair lol) and sad that I have no hair to play with. I'm not sure if I'll actually care or not though. I feel like I might feel liberated and relieved if I shave it, that's how I felt before, though back then I hadn't been trying to grow my hair out for a couple of years...

I have no idea. It's such a huge commitment either way. Everything would be so much simpler if a bob was the answer but it just isn't lol.

[lapushka]

So I can shower when DIL takes the baby upstairs, or I can leave her with my partner, or I can bring her with me. If I keep my hair I'm definitely going to make an effort to just wash it more often so I don't hate it.

...I can't stop debating myself over whether or not to cut it. Even though my hair is fresh and clean from yesterday's wash, I still find myself imagining how much simpler everything would be without my hair. But I also imagine how I might see other people's hair and get all envious (I already do that even with hair lol) and sad that I have no hair to play with. I'm not sure if I'll actually care or not though. I feel like I might feel liberated and relieved if I shave it, that's how I felt before, though back then I hadn't been trying to grow my hair out for a couple of years...

I have no idea. It's such a huge commitment either way. Everything would be so much simpler if a bob was the answer but it just isn't lol.

Hold on... You *may* feel a bit of the pressure on that "either this length or a shave" go when you take a small cm/inch off. I know when my hair grows even a tad bit beyond classic, I go "I have to cut this all off". And that is a terrible terrible spot to be in, because at that stage you feel like there is no inbetween. And that of course is nonsense. So whatever you do, do it in small increments. Take a tiny piece off and see if maybe it's not its current length that is bothering you.

[Bat]

Whatever you decide Oxie we will be here to support you

[0xalis]

Hold on... You *may* feel a bit of tYes iressure on that "either this length or a shave" go when you take a small cm/inch off. I know when my hair grows even a tad bit beyond classic, I go "I have to cut this all off". And that is a terrible terrible spot to be in, because at that stage you feel like there is no inbetween. And that of course is nonsense. So whatever you do, do it in small increments. Take a tiny piece off and see if maybe it's not its current length that is bothering you.

Yeah I've thought about doing this, I remember you saying exactly that! I've even thought that maybe getting bangs would help with the issue of it always falling in my face...
But really I'm pretty sure a trim wouldn't help very much. My ends are great, very thick and healthy. I've only just reached the length that doesn't irritate me, if I cut back a milestone I'm back at CBL and it wasn't much easier, in fact it was simply more annoying. I can do more with it at this length so it's actually more convenient.
I'm pretty sure trimming would make me more likely to jump to the shave, if I want to keep my hair it's better to avoid all sharp things! I think I need something to distract me from it while I wear it up all the time until the urge passes. My brain gets so obsessive about things, so of course I'm having a hard time deciding. It's so difficult though when both options are totally logical :/

And thank you Bat, I needed to hear that <3

[Laurab]

I think part of the difficulty is there are great things about both options. It's easy to look at the negative and worry about what you regret, but which option makes you more excited?
It seems like both lengths suit you. You're still new to parenthood, so things like showertime can be worked into the routine and adjusted for. It's been ages since you've had a buzzcut, and adapting your personal style to feel more comfortable with the look could be fun.
I think you can't go wrong here, you just have to do what will make you happiest.

[memeow]

As far as using the shower as relaxing time, there’s really nothing wrong with it! But it might be easier for you if you feel like you have more control over how much time you’ll spend there.

I know we’re all about very careful hair care here, but honestly if you want to make life easy on yourself you can do a LOT less and still have APL hair that looks very good. Especially if you’re willing to maintain around APL for a while until life’s settled down a bit.

When I was in high school I showered every other day before school and washed my hair with 2-in-1 Pantene, used no leave-ins, ripped a plastic brush through it until it was detangled, and wore it in the same ponytail most of the time. I’ve learned a lot about haircare since then, but knowing that if life ever gets too complicated that’s an option makes it hard for me to understand the impulse to buzz unless you actually want a buzz cut. Because having long hair I don’t take good care of only *needs* to add about 5-10 min/day to my routine, and the difference between APL hair with really good care and APL hair with this type of haphazard care is much much subtler than the difference between APL and buzzed.

All of that said—maybe having 40 minutes 3 days a week to luxuriate in the shower, detangle, and come out feeling refreshed and alive is a very good use of time right now. That’s still a pretty minimal amount of time to spend on self-care. And while I’m sure your baby misses you while you’re unavailable, establishing for all three of you that you can disappear for a bit while your husband holds down the fort is actually a very important thing to do.

[knobbly]

Hey sweet new parent, I see you babe. :grouphug:

Fellow autistic/adhd birth and nursing parent here weighing in:

The first few months/year are so so hard. Everything is new and you are overloaded all the time. Hormones are wrecking your brain and your body. I’m currently 9 months pp with my second and for the first 6 months (plus the last few months of my pregnancy) my scalp was an itchy mess and I had to wash more often than I like to. Now that has stopped thank goodness, but finding time to take a nice shower and wash my hair the way I like (and yes it does really take a dang hour start to finish, including applying body/face creams and getting dressed— it’s not like you can take the baby back and care for them straight out of the shower) is really hard. Here are some suggestions if you want them.

Have your wife take the baby out for a walk while you shower. Being outside is a great way to get baby regulated if they are freaking out from not being with their preferred caregiver. This also leaves the house quiet so you can actually enjoy your shower. There is truly nothing more grating on my nerves than hearing my baby freak out while I’m trying to detangle. Newp! Get them out of the house! Bonus is that often babies nap easily in motion whether your wife chooses a baby carrier or a stroller.

Figure out a style you can live with for awhile. For me that’s braids. They look like a shredded mess after more than 12 hours but I can keep them in for more a day or two if needed. I can pin them up into a bun or milkmaid braids, or pop them in a satin scarf. This is what I do when I can’t wash for a minute.

Enjoy stimming with your hair while baby is asleep! I honestly need to schedule in time to stim. Well, it’s not that bad but I need to remind myself to do it otherwise I am living on the verge of a meltdown basically all the time. I like petting my hair at night after baby is in bed while I watch TV.

Your pp shed will begin soon. Try not to let it get to you! Or if it does don’t feel bad! It is scary to see all that hair come out. It will end. I incorporate this into my stimming by detangling and rebraiding while I watch tv in the evening. I detangle and put sheds in a box so they don’t get on the floor, and then I can just dump the box when I get up. Your hair will change over time. Mine is thinner now and has a slightly different texture. It’s hard to cope with changes but acknowledging that they are hard helps me normalize it for myself.

I personally wouldn’t cut my hair if I were you since keeping it up means there’s nothing for baby to grab. If you want to stim on shaved skin maybe an undercut is what you want? Or a new tactile stim toy?

My inbox is always open. It’s really hard and you are doing great. :love:

[draysmir]

This is something I've done in winter because then I cannot deal with long wet hair: I put my hair up in a bun/topknot. Cover that with a plastic bag tucked in around it. When in the shower, rinse the scalp. If you must, you could even carefully wash the edges of your scalp, rinsing well under the shower. Then most of the hair stays dry, and there's hardly any extra time involved at all.

I'd be reluctant to cut now that hormones are all upset, as others have said. It's a temporary stressful situation.

Just thought I'd add on to embee's suggestions, would scalp only washes in the sink be an option for you? It would be a faster way to wash and have your hair feel clean inbetween full washes.

Youtube tutorial: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7VBOVM-dHlc

Here's a thread about it: https://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=49219

:heart:

[Ylva]

Yeah I've thought about doing this, I remember you saying exactly that! I've even thought that maybe getting bangs would help with the issue of it always falling in my face...
But really I'm pretty sure a trim wouldn't help very much. My ends are great, very thick and healthy. I've only just reached the length that doesn't irritate me, if I cut back a milestone I'm back at CBL and it wasn't much easier, in fact it was simply more annoying. I can do more with it at this length so it's actually more convenient.
I'm pretty sure trimming would make me more likely to jump to the shave, if I want to keep my hair it's better to avoid all sharp things! I think I need something to distract me from it while I wear it up all the time until the urge passes. My brain gets so obsessive about things, so of course I'm having a hard time deciding. It's so difficult though when both options are totally logical :/

Another autistic person reporting in! I think you've already received tons of good input, so I'll just send this :grouphug: your way, and say the following...

I shuddered at the thought of bangs. Perhaps you wouldn't react the same way, but at least for me, that would be absolute horror. MUCH worse than any other form of hair in my face. I see bangs as an "inescapable hair in face" scenario, which is why I would not encourage you to cut bangs in this situation.

[olivetime]

Offering my support, for whatever you decide ♡
I'm a year into growing my hair out from shaved. I needed a sensory break and I don't regret shaving it off at all. I really needed the break!

[lapushka]

Another autistic person reporting in! I think you've already received tons of good input, so I'll just send this :grouphug: your way, and say the following...

I shuddered at the thought of bangs. Perhaps you wouldn't react the same way, but at least for me, that would be absolute horror. MUCH worse than any other form of hair in my face. I see bangs as an "inescapable hair in face" scenario, which is why I would not encourage you to cut bangs in this situation.

Oh yes, bangs are sometimes gotten because people hate hair in their face, while a half-up will solve that problem better than bangs will.

[momof3mary]

Oh yes, bangs are sometimes gotten because people hate hair in their face, while a half-up will solve that problem better than bangs will.
Goodness yes, I can confirm this!!

[0xalis]

I want to thank EVERYONE who has offered advice and support :grouphug:

You guys are right about the bangs, which is why I haven't done it!
I have this weird lock of hair (maybe 30 hairs at most?) at the very front of my head that's shorter than everything else for some reason and it's sooo annoying.
I think it must have all shed at the same time and is now growing back at the same time. It's finally about mouth length and I can't wait until it's long enough to stay tucked behind my ears!

I do think that if I decide to do anything, I'll start by cutting it to collarbone length rather than jumping straight to shaving it off. Still a pretty drastic cut since my torso is so long, the distance from CBL to APL is pretty big.
That way if I regret cutting it at all it'll only take about a year to get back to where I am now, rather than 2.5 years. And I can still do a ponytail. If I find cutting it makes me want to shave it off even more, I'll probably do it then.
Either way, if I really wanted to, I could still have long hair by the time kiddo starts forming long-term memories, lol.

I just have to remember this thing I said once when I was feeling really frustrated with my hair before: My hair is one of the least interesting things about me. I am worthy of love and acceptance regardless of my hair or lack thereof!
That goes for all of you, too ;) Come for the hair, stay for the wonderful community!

[0xalis]

I'm going to include some examples of my hair at CBL:
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/668563929282117725/925094791610499153/inCollage_20210201_122538615.jpg?width=609&height=609
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/668563929282117725/925095845186142258/unknown.png?width=470&height=609
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/668563929282117725/925096150493700106/IMG_20210204_203808.jpg?width=457&height=609

Been looking back at my growth journey photo album, and when I think about it, CBL might be a really good idea.
It's WAY less hair, but it still frames my face in the way long hair does so it keeps me from looking masculine, and I can still ponytail it. I can also do a lot of cute half-ups.
One of the major annoyances of CBL for me was not being able to do high buns. But guess what? I can do high buns now AND I STILL DON'T! So that's not even really an issue?
When I reached CBL, it was pretty smooth sailing from there. I no longer obsessed about growth quite as much as I did from ear to shoulder length.

CBL is the length I started to genuinely like my hair again. So now I'm really considering cutting it to this length to see if it'll make my life a little bit easier.
What do you guys think?

[lapushka]

I like the length in your last picture, and I think that might be longer than CBL? Or... I might be seeing things! LOL It could be a solution if you are totally fed up and you have been thinking on it a long time. When I was your age, I had all sorts of lengths. I was only ready for long hair, really long hair after I turned 35! I had to get it all out of my system, I guess. Enjoy your hair, that is the most important thing, no matter the length, and this community is open to anyone, regardless of length or what growing stage you are in. The key is to *eventually* get to a longer goal, but hey, sometimes life gets in the way!

[0xalis]

Oh yeah, those examples are maybe a little past CBL but that's around the time I officially "called it".
I have to take my slight wave into account, it eats up a good inch or two especially at shorter lengths!
I'd definitely make a point of letting whoever know that it'll need to be a little longer than that while cutting it wet, because it'll shrink up a bit after it's dry.

Yeah honestly I've been thinking about cutting my hair for a few months now, even since before the baby was born.
It's only today that I realized maybe CBL is a better option than just shaving it all off though, so that makes me wonder... do I start the "2 week wait" all over again? Lol.


ETA: The way I feel right now reminds me of the way I felt before the major trim I did to get rid of the rest of my layers in mid 2020.
I was SO unhappy with my hair, but I felt guilty giving up length. I ended up going with the cut, putting me back from almost-shoulder-length back up to chin length but with a nice thick blunt hemline.
I ended up being SO happy with my hair and had no regrets at all. I was still antsy until I got to CBL, but I absolutely didn't regret that cut because at the time I really needed it.

I still want to eventually grow my hair longer than I ever have... but maybe it's just not the time yet?
I think it might be better to just rewind a bit and hit pause, rather than restarting the whole journey.
Growing long from CBL is easy-peasy compared to growing from buzzed to CBL imo & ime!

[olivetime]

CBL sounds like a peaceful compromise ♡

[0xalis]

Talked to my hairdresser friend... She has a cold though. Of course a few hours after I talked to her I'm like "...but should I???"
I really cannot make up my mind @__@ so I should probably continue to not do anything until I actually feel sure one way or another.

[Jools69]

I think that’s a brilliant idea, Oxalis. Its always best to take a step back before taking any action. And if you do decide to trim, It’s much better to trim back in stages, rather than one big cut. ;)

[0xalis]

I agree, Jools!

I told said hairdresser friend that I think I need to take more time to decide what I want to do.
I'm beginning to feel that maybe the urge to shave/cut/trim is passing.
Keeping my hair aligns more with my long term goals, so I'm hoping that will be the case.
I'm currently taking steps to simplify my life in other ways so hopefully that will take some of the stress off!

[lakhesis]

Sorry you are going through this!

Completely different idea, but I have seen a couple of new moms getting all their hair braided into small braids - you minimize hair care for a couple of weeks, you can keep it up and yet when you take it down, you still look presentable. You could also get more time to decide if you want to get a haircut or not.
Just a thought, not sure how it would go with sensory issues.

Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself! :love:

[spidermom]

Well, I do not have autism, and I did not read all the comments, so I apologize for repeating what was probably said earlier. I don't mean to step on anybody.

My contribution is that I HAD to have short-short hair with my 2 babies. First of all, it's very normal to have a postpartum shed, a dramatic one. Second, babies. The first one would grab whatever hair he could every time I picked him up. It was about BSL, and I'd have it pulled back, but he'd find the few hairs straying out of my up-style and hang on like his life depended on it. That hurt. Then one day I found one of my hairs wrapped around his little thigh when I was changing his diaper. It was so tight that it cut into his skin, and that did it - I got a short haircut that week. For baby #2, I got a short haircut based on my experience with #1.

Hair grows back, and it's much quicker to wash and go with short hair.

[Bat]

I'm going to include some examples of my hair at CBL:
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/668563929282117725/925094791610499153/inCollage_20210201_122538615.jpg?width=609&height=609
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/668563929282117725/925095845186142258/unknown.png?width=470&height=609
https://media.discordapp.net/attachments/668563929282117725/925096150493700106/IMG_20210204_203808.jpg?width=457&height=609

Been looking back at my growth journey photo album, and when I think about it, CBL might be a really good idea.
It's WAY less hair, but it still frames my face in the way long hair does so it keeps me from looking masculine, and I can still ponytail it. I can also do a lot of cute half-ups.
One of the major annoyances of CBL for me was not being able to do high buns. But guess what? I can do high buns now AND I STILL DON'T! So that's not even really an issue?
When I reached CBL, it was pretty smooth sailing from there. I no longer obsessed about growth quite as much as I did from ear to shoulder length.

CBL is the length I started to genuinely like my hair again. So now I'm really considering cutting it to this length to see if it'll make my life a little bit easier.
What do you guys think?

Cbl does really suit you but ultimately it’s up to you maybe then I can catch up to you lool

[SelenVinland]

Spidermom- my sister has hair about waist length and her baby loooves playing with it. Must be a thing :laugh:

0xalis - I hope whatever decision you come to is one you’re happy with and that works for you! The nice thing about hair is that it eventually grows back. Haha

[Entangled]

I have no idea how this would play with sensory issues, but would a hair scarf/wrap/turban/buff be an option?

[0xalis]

AAAAAAnd I'm back to square one, deliberating again. I have no idea what to do and I'm so tired of second guessing myself. I'm so attached to my progress and appearance but is it worth it?

[Kathie]

Ultimately only you can make that call, as what stands out as most important can be different for everyone.

If you do choose to change the length of your hair at least you know its not permanent.

Since being on this forum I have grown to just a touch above WL twice and then cut back to SL or above. Each time I grew out again the growing process got more relaxed and easier.

I hope this helps :flower:

[lapushka]

AAAAAAnd I'm back to square one, deliberating again. I have no idea what to do and I'm so tired of second guessing myself. I'm so attached to my progress and appearance but is it worth it?

If you keep having this issue, maybe it's just time to cut a few inches off. Try maybe going to a bob. It's a short style, you can still pony-nub at the back, and it's easy to grow back out from. Not so with a shaved head or pixie.

[Bat]

AAAAAAnd I'm back to square one, deliberating again. I have no idea what to do and I'm so tired of second guessing myself. I'm so attached to my progress and appearance but is it worth it?

what Lapushka says, maybe cry cbl again, you looked really happy when it was that length, I really hope though you can push foreward and keep going. but you really have to do whats best for you? maybe try an undercut? so when it gets too much you can just tie it on top of your head and your back and sides would be short. though growing that out would be a nightmare

[lapushka]

what Lapushka says, maybe cry cbl again, you looked really happy when it was that length, I really hope though you can push foreward and keep going. but you really have to do whats best for you? maybe try an undercut? so when it gets too much you can just tie it on top of your head and your back and sides would be short. though growing that out would be a nightmare

I have had one bald/stubbly "undercut" (haircut gone wrong, it was when I was experimenting with haircuts :rolleyes:) in my life. Oh boy, never again, I can assure you! :lol:

[0xalis]

I took Lapushka's advice and went for the Bob. Not the best photo but I think I'm gonna make a "my growth journey" thread to summarize the last few years and I'll include better pictures of the new cut there. I think that will be a good way to memorialize the progress I sacrificed while celebrating the change.
https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/391812077955579925/933529671491010590/IMG_20220119_171227.jpg

[shelomit]

Aw, that is a cute look, 0xalis <3 I hope the change helps!

[MusicalSpoons]

Looks so good on you! I hope it's helpful, and that thread idea is lovely.

[DropStitches]

The bob looks super cute! I hope it helps with the sensory issues - sending you good wishes!

[0xalis]

Thanks everyone!! :o :grouphug:

I put up that thread... [link!] (https://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=154871)

[Jovana]

I'm autistic too. I don't like short hair, because is hard to hold. A hairdresser cut off in ear length for accident, the ends touching my face and neck were terrible. I had difficulty to grow my hair, because I had to cut with frequency until reach a straight cut. When it was short I had to wash every day, now that my hair is grown, I can wash every 2 days if I want, because when I brush the oil in my scalp arrives at ends. Be patient. :love:

[SandyBottom]

Thanks everyone!! :o :grouphug:

I put up that thread... [link!] (https://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=154871)

Just checked out the link you put up. That bob looks very cute on you and you look so happy with it! I hope you're still enjoying your hair whatever length it is these days. Thanks for sharing that.