Perfectionism

[Lamb]

Nomen est omen! my user title states the number 1 reason why I haven't been successful in growing my hair out yet, despite the wonderful advice and support I have gotten from TLHC.

I've had to realize that no amount of support is enough to outweigh self-sabotage by perfectionism. For the last few weeks, I have been wearing the same short layered cut I was wearing when I joined here over a year ago. Do I like it? Not really. Do I want to return to my original goals and grow my hair out? Yup. :agree:

I thought I couldn't do it because my hair was too fine, too dry, too curly, too weak, too whatever. Nope. None of the above. I couldn't do it because I was, and am, a perfectionist who deserves an award for sabotaging her own efforts with unreasonable expectations and being overly self-conscious.

My advice to perfectionists like myself: clarify your mind before clarifying your hair, perfectionism causes buildup which is much more difficult to remove!

[mommy101405]

I know the feeling all too well. Growing my hair out has been a huge exercise in patience for me. Especially the bangs. I started growing them out then I couldn't stand them and cut them again. Then couldn't stand them short and started growing them out ...again. If I wouldn't have cut I would be at chin by now I'm sure. :justy:

[magpielaura]

Do a "don't trim for a year" challenge and see what happens! Be a hair slob for a bit! A few split ends are alright!:D

[Arctic]

I wish you beat the perfection quickly and painlessly! I am, too, a recovering perfectionist. It has been,hmm, maybe 4 years since I realized that it wasn't good for me.

[Naluin]

My advice to perfectionists like myself: clarify your mind before clarifying your hair, perfectionism causes buildup which is much more difficult to remove!

I like that. Good advice! :flowers:

[darkwaves]

Perfectionism build-up. I like that ! (The phrase, I mean... not having such a thing.)

[longhairdreams]

You seriously just described exactly how i feel.I couldnt quite word it myself but you hit the nail on the head.I had grown out just past apl.And for no good reason at all,i chopped it off into a chin length bob. I dont hate it,but its not nearly as nice as my longer hair was.I'm pretty upset just for the fact I really didnt get very long before I hacked it off again.:hatchet:

"clarify your mind, before you clarify your hair" words I could stand to live by,lol

[spidermom]

I suffer from this as well. I kept my hair at hip length for most of this year to trim off all the splits. I've probably cut off 5 inches this year along with S&D, and I keep finding more splits. Then I decided to call off the crusade and grew promptly to tailbone. I won't cut again (other than knots too tight to unravel) until next July 18. I think about it, though. Just yesterday I was thinking that maybe I should have a substantial trim back to waist length, then start one year of no trim. That's o.k., I can think anything I like as long as I don't do it.

[rapunzhell13]

I suffer from this as well and it can indeed be debilitating. It affects the rest of my life, but sometimes it feels easier to just pick on my hair so to speak. We really should be practicing more self-love than self-sabotage, be our own best friends. :)

[jojo]

*holds hands up* me too, I am too following a no cuts in 2009, just hope i can hold out! I agree be a hair slob, let it do what it wants for a whole year, it does get easier but only just!

[Speckla]

There is no such thing as perfect hair. Grow grow grow and trim the not-so-greatness off as you go along. That's my MO!
________
Ford bronco (http://www.ford-wiki.com/wiki/Ford_Bronco)

[Lamb]

Okay now I'm seriously considering quitting trimming cold turkey for a year. :silly: I already resolved not to cut until next March.

Seriously, how do other people cope?? I see less-than-perfect-but-still-nice heads of hair around every day, and I wish I had hair like that. Only to realize I may already have it, only I do not see it in the mirror. :confused:

[Delila]

I can't seem to join the 'no trims for a year' club, somehow that thought prompts extra urges to trim.

I do seem to have success in setting myself a specific range of dates off in the future in which it's okay to seriously think of trimming. Having a specific spot on the calendar kind of takes the pressure off any thought of doing something in the moment.

For me, three or four months is a reasonable span, and I can manage to give myself a microtrim at the end of that without too much trauma. HTH!!

Oh, I had an experience that I found helpful the other day: I was sitting at the computer, hair down, knowing my hair was greasy and gross and in desperate need of detangling and washing, when my dad came in and made some complimentary remark about my hair. I was so startled that I don't even remember what he said.

It's often good to remember that other people perceive you very differently than you perceive yourself, and they tend not to even notice the 'flaws' you think you see so clearly.

[chrissy-b]

Seriously, how do other people cope??

I wish I could answer this for you but I can't because I too have this problem. Sometimes, I even see other people's hair and want to tell them how they need to trim, or fix a part that sticking up, whatever. Sometimes I wish I could just wear my hair messy like I see others, but it drives me absolutely mad.

I'm about two months shy of being able to trim my hair. I've been on the no cutting regimen for almost a year and it's been pretty hard. The only way I've been able to cope is to wear it up every single frickin day. Before I joined, I was trimming my hair about once a month, to get it just so, which kept me with a pixie style through most of my twenties. I did get really good at cutting my own hair, however, and I hope when I finally get to trim I'll remember how and not mess up.

I've been contemplating not cutting for 2009 too, or at least until I hit BSL (next summer), but I don't think I can make it.

[Mugili]

oh...me too...i cut my hair three times the last two months, because of the perfectionism...but never feel satisfied.

Thinking about a no-trimming-year makes me nervous. Cold turkey is a god analogy.

Should we establish a self-help group?

Hi, I'm Mugili, and i am afraid of not cutting my hair because of perfectionism. But i will try!

[wizzel]

:blossom:I'm not a perfectionist most of the time :rolleyes: thow it dose happen at times
I try to remind my self that if you get to caught up in the insain little details you rob your self of a lot of lifes pleasures. To busy with things that don't matter to notice the fact that your hair really dose look great never mind the split ends or the frizys that seem to multiply those things will alwas be there you can never eradicate them completly so be content with managment and don't worry about them the rest of the time.
My your hair grow long and lustrous!! Good luck!

[Katze]

There is no such thing as perfect hair. Grow grow grow and trim the not-so-greatness off as you go along. That's my MO!

that, at least in my case, is exactly the problem. I grow a little bit - say, 3 months with no trims - then look at my ratty, thin ends and cut. In my case it's not just a matter of 'a few splits' but the difference between difficult, in-between virgin hair and even MORE difficult bleached, thin ends that were once the longest layer in a shag cut.

I see women around town with hair my length that has blunt ends. Even fine hair! And worn down! I think wanting what other people have isn't totally unrealistic...except I have to acknowledge that maybe my hair will never be like that.

Is it perfectionist to want better hair than you have ever had, then, when it is slowly, slowly getting better, to want it to be even BETTER than that? To actually look beautiful? I want hair people comment on and admire. Is that so wrong?

It is really hard for me to let go of control on many things. Growing my hair is helping with this, but I am still frustrated that despite my best efforts, my hair really doesn't look GOOD.

[magpielaura]

Seriously, how do other people cope?? I see less-than-perfect-but-still-nice heads of hair around every day, and I wish I had hair like that. Only to realize I may already have it, only I do not see it in the mirror. :confused:


I see women around town with hair my length that has blunt ends. Even fine hair! And worn down! I think wanting what other people have isn't totally unrealistic...It is really hard for me to let go of control on many things. Growing my hair is helping with this, but I am still frustrated that despite my best efforts, my hair really doesn't look GOOD.


I'll bet you guys already have enviable hair. If I look closely at my hair the ends are a mess but no one else is going to examine it that closely. Its easy to be very critical of your appearance in the mirror but what others see is often a million miles away from your perception. I'll bet if you studied hair you envy (in a way that would freak out its owner!) there would be plenty to cut off. Don't look at mine (when I eventually post pics)...Its ok from a distance but if I was a perfectionist it would be APL!

[30isthenewblack]

I always liked long hair but I never really looked at people's hair until I joined this forum. To be honest with you, it is rare to see people with the perfect hair that you describe outside of this forum. I see a lot of people with split ends, straggly ends and broken off hair and I've come to realise that the person hardest on my hair is me. Since I've joined this forum, I've had more compliments in five months than I've had in five years.

I could see how the LHC can become a negative experience as you may become more critical of your hair but I've re-discovered a new love for my hair courtesy of the LHC. In the last few years I only wore my hair down but now I've been experiementing with all different hairstyles. Remember it's not about being the best, it's about the best you can be and living with your imperfections and for me, it's my imperfections that make me interesting not the other way around.

[2luvmycurls]

Oh, so, so, SO true! Some days I am SOOO tempted to cut it, but I know it's rare for me to actually like my hair when I get drastic cuts, but it's hard

[Arctic]

When my recovering-perfectionist mind tries to make me do something extra good so it will be perfect, I hear alarms and say to myself: It's now good enough. That's the magic word.

If I notice someone else having something, say hair, in a less than perfect way, my first thought are "mean spirited perfectionism talking" but then again, I hear the alarm and say to myself: That's okey. Or: It doesn't matter. I remind myself I/he/ she is not less important or valuable humanbeing, we all all perfectly imperfect. Or imperfectly perfect, which ever sounds nicer to you : )

I also remind myself often that there is not only one right way of do something.

I have given myself a permission to be less than perfect, to be good enough and let others do the same. I have learned to love myself just like the way I am. I have found help on my path to recover from clutches of perfectionism, one of them has been a website flylady.net (http://www.flylady.net/). It's main focus is getting ones life in control starting from ones home but theres also lot of talk about how harmful perfectionism is not only to your productivity but also to your happiness, etc. The website is aimed towards "traditional women" but can be easily adapted to your own lifestyle and choises.

I try my best to embrace all persons as my fellow-imperfect-but oh so beautiful-in-their-own-unique-way, it's like being in a secret society: you see some mark, nod to yourself, smile, shrug, wish them happiness and go on to your imperfect way :D

Ha ha, I hope my ramblings make some sense!

[Arctic]

I always liked long hair but I never really looked at people's hair until I joined this forum. To be honest with you, it is rare to see people with the perfect hair that you describe outside of this forum. I see a lot of people with split ends, straggly ends and broken off hair and I've come to realise that the person hardest on my hair is me. Since I've joined this forum, I've had more compliments in five months than I've had in five years.

I could see how the LHC can become a negative experience as you may become more critical of your hair but I've re-discovered a new love for my hair courtesy of the LHC. In the last few years I only wore my hair down but now I've been experiementing with all different hairstyles. Remember it's not about being the best, it's about the best you can be and living with your imperfections and for me, it's my imperfections that make me interesting not the other way around.


Good post!

I also want to remind that very very often the hair pictures we see here are taken when the hair is it's best: clean, combed or brushed, arranged just so. The updos and braids are just finished. The lightning selected carefully, complimentary clothes/ colours selected... Camera flash adds to the shine... Pictures might be even photoshopped! Yes you heared me!
My every single photo goes through the photoshop (well I use Gimp software but anyway). If nothing else I crop the photo and add my copyright mark there. Often I adjust contrasts and lightness. Once I have actually photoshopped a scalp cleavage away from an updo photo that was otherwise nice :couch: I've read other members doing these things too.

Also the colour, at least my hair colour never looks like it does in real life in photos. It might be a henna-thing.

[Arctic]

Lamb, I remember I was the one suggesting the user title to you that you had invented in your anniversary thread. But maybe you could, as a first step, to change it into something else. Something that wouldn't remind you of your own perfectionism everytime you log in.

[Curlsgirl]

I think you have taken a BIG step toward healing Lamb. I am a recovering perfectionish and still fight with it at times, not necessarily with my hair but other things. You can do it. Maybe you can print out this thread and read it every time you feel it creeping back. I am going the no trimming for a year, at least I'm going to TRY. Thanks for sharing your heart. :flower:

[aries]

Count me in as well. I have always been a perfectionist even about my hair. If I had one tiny tangle on the ends I had to run for a trim and always lost a lot of growth, that's why it has taken me so long to get to where I am length wise from my start. I am now fighting the no trimming when I get a tangle or think I see a section of hair might be longer than the other. I trim every 6 months at the moment but am thinking of going for a year with no trims in 2009 as well and seeing how it goes. I can at least beat the perfectionism over my hair first then start on other things in my life. One baby step at a time is what I think.

[Hurray4Henna]

I'm a perfectionist too lamb. Sometimes it can be so numbing and holds me back from many things I want to achieve. I have been on the road to recovery, mainly because I'm exhausted, from perferctionism! I usually wear my hair up, or else I would chop it. The ends are stringy (to me) and the style leaves the bottom layer looking 'thin'. I know this is a stage and when I get past it, things will improve.

I don't have much advice, just, try to wear it up--play with various styles-- and have fun.
Have you ever had your hair long Lamb? I personally think your hair is so lovely, and I would love to watch it grow through LHC.

It's comforting, knowing that there are plenty of other perfectionists here :)

[heidi w.]

Perfectionism is sabotage.

heidi w.

[ktani]

Perfectionism is sabotage.

heidi w.

True to a point but it does not have to be. As a goal it is great IMO, but one has to be realistic. Don't give up the goal, just try to come as close as you can without being irrational.

I no longer have split ends but I do still get breakage. I know what causes that and I am careful. Does my hair look perfect all of the time? No of course not, neither do I. Does it look better than several years ago? Yes, much. Does it look as good as some of the fantastic hair I see here? No, but I would need a head transplant for that, lol.

My goal is to make the most of the hair I have, within the genetic limitations I have and the things I can control. I aim to treat myself and my hair the best ways possible. Do I fail sometimes? Yes. But I keep trying, that is my point.

[ktani]

While my hair no longer gets thin and ratty looking at the ends as I grow it, I have noticed a natural taper because of going longer between trims, like 6 months at one point (individual hairs grow in different cycles). I have started trimming my hair myself, so I can control that too, thank's to Feye's Method. Love that woman!

[ktani]

I think that this is an excellent thread because it points out some very interesting things.

I do not get jealous when I see all of the beautiful hair on these boards. I do get to see how different hair looks long and how different hair is cut, so that I can get or reject ideas for myself.

I like seeing how ends taper or not and the degrees in between. What I enjoy the most about the pictures, is the variance in hair types, colours, styles of cutting and that in that variance, so many heads of hair looking great, IMO.

It is part of my goal for my hair to look the best it can.

[30isthenewblack]

Good post!

I also want to remind that very very often the hair pictures we see here are taken when the hair is it's best: clean, combed or brushed, arranged just so. The updos and braids are just finished. The lightning selected carefully, complimentary clothes/ colours selected... Camera flash adds to the shine... Pictures might be even photoshopped! Yes you heared me!
My every single photo goes through the photoshop (well I use Gimp software but anyway). If nothing else I crop the photo and add my copyright mark there. Often I adjust contrasts and lightness. Once I have actually photoshopped a scalp cleavage away from an updo photo that was otherwise nice :couch: I've read other members doing these things too.

Also the colour, at least my hair colour never looks like it does in real life in photos. It might be a henna-thing.

Thanks! I must admit too that I take about ten shots before I'm happy with the result hehe. I have a photo in my album that is with my hair wet and whilst you can see the growth, it looks stringy and it doesn't look like that in real haha.


Perfectionism is sabotage.

heidi w.

I agree. It's a form of self sabotage. However, if you're aware that you do this, then you're less likely to sabotage your growth in the future.


I do not get jealous when I see all of the beautiful hair on these boards. I do get to see how different hair looks long and how different hair is cut, so that I can get or reject ideas for myself..

I do not get jealous when I see other people's hair either but I am exactly the same way in real life as well. I know a lot of women who are insecure and try to bring others down, I prefer to try and emulate them and find out what makes them successful, how they grow their hair longer etc. I enjoy looking at all the different heads of hair and finding out what works for my hair and what doesn't. I am truly appreciative of this board. My hair hasn't looked this good ... ever!

[ktani]

I do not get jealous when I see other people's hair either but I am exactly the same way in real life as well. I know a lot of women who are insecure and try to bring others down, I prefer to try and emulate them and find out what makes them successful, how they grow their hair longer etc. I enjoy looking at all the different heads of hair and finding out what works for my hair and what doesn't. I am truly appreciative of this board. My hair hasn't looked this good ... ever!

As I have gotten older and stress from every day life can be felt more, I am less tolerant of certain things in my personal life. All of my female friends are like minded, in that none of us get jealous of others and we do not compete among ourselves. We get enough competition outside of our personal lives in various ways. Instead, we all support each other and remind each other how beautiful we all are in our own ways and how lucky we are for the blessings we do have, including each other, to count on.

Of couse we can still have some rather spirited debates on issues, since we do not always agree on things, lol. But we do agree to respect the fact that we have different opinions, even when we try to get one another to see a different point of view, and someone is being stubborn about it. I can be very stubborn, lol.

[heidi w.]

Ktani, I like to say these two ideas:

There's enough room for everyone to be.

Everyone who enters my house is important.

heidi w.

[ktani]

Ktani, I like to say these two ideas:

There's enough room for everyone to be.

Everyone who enters my house is important.

heidi w.

I agree and that is beautiful.

I just do not like to and I have spent time with "friends" who like to feel better about themselves by one upping other people and putting others down. While I do personally belive that there are different levels of friendship and I try to see the positive in everyone, there are times when I am vulnerable, like anyone else. I have let certain friendships lapse when there is no other alternative for me. People change only when they want to, not when others try to help them see that a way of behaving that they do not think needs changing, hurts someone else.

[Lamb]

Should we establish a self-help group?
Perhaps we have one now! :cheese: Looks like I have plenty of company. Thanks for the replies, everyone, you are the best inspiration!


Lamb, I remember I was the one suggesting the user title to you that you had invented in your anniversary thread. But maybe you could, as a first step, to change it into something else. Something that wouldn't remind you of your own perfectionism everytime you log in.
I think I'll go in stages - "Recovering Curlfectionist", "Ex-Curlfectionist", that sort of thing. :D


Have you ever had your hair long Lamb? I personally think your hair is so lovely, and I would love to watch it grow through LHC.
Aww, thanks! :flowers: No, my hair has never been really long, save for a short time at high school when it almost hit APL. (Which is short by LHC standards anyway.) It looked awful, mostly because of the vigorous brushing I administered to it on a daily basis. :rolleyes:


It's comforting, knowing that there are plenty of other perfectionists here :)
Yes, isn't it? :)

[Chromis]

Okay now I'm seriously considering quitting trimming cold turkey for a year. :silly: I already resolved not to cut until next March.

Seriously, how do other people cope?? I see less-than-perfect-but-still-nice heads of hair around every day, and I wish I had hair like that. Only to realize I may already have it, only I do not see it in the mirror. :confused:

I dunno about everyone else, but I'll tell ya how I cope :D

Sheer laziness. Yep. I'm just too darn lazy to get worked up over hair perfection! (Besides I need something to procrastinate about and hair is pretty harmless!)

[30isthenewblack]

I think I'll go in stages - "Recovering Curlfectionist", "Ex-Curlfectionist", that sort of thing. :D Very funny :D Anyway, I think you're being way too hard on yourself. Growing hair from a curly haired bob is very difficult. I have found with my type of curls that it is now getting easier to maintain that it is at mid back length.

[Toadstool]

I know exactly what you mean which is why I've been trying to grow my hair long since I was 14 and I am now 38! I am currently dealing with it by only cutting the fringe (bangs) when I get fed up and leaving the rest to carry on growing. Tying it back or braiding it to get the texture even helps me. It's only just shoulder length but it's/ i'm getting there. Good luck!

[Lamb]

Very funny :D Anyway, I think you're being way too hard on yourself. Growing hair from a curly haired bob is very difficult. I have found with my type of curls that it is now getting easier to maintain that it is at mid back length.
Boy, do I know what you're talking about! :rolleyes: The worst part is the ever-changing curl pattern. As my hair grows, it curls in different ways, and I need mega amounts of moisture to keep it looking halfway decent.
:justy: (<<now I know why people love this smiley!)

[Mugili]

Okay Lamb! Time to detox! ;)
No trimming until January 2010 :eyebrows:

I got three little (but hard) new rules for me:
-don't look at my hair with two mirrows only to find something I don't like
- don't try styles of that I know that my hair looks awful (kind of masochist)
-don't cut

Wish me luck!

[Calanthe]

Uh, count me in. I'm a sort of more-than-perfectionist. Ever tried to style your hair with your eyes closed, so you don't see anything which makes you say: oh no, look at: and then there's this huge list which starts with "all those split ends, this tiny little bun and ends somewhere around "this rubbish braid". Perfectionist - duh! :rolleyes: