i found a hairdresser that can cut my hair...but

[pixitolong]

Hello,
advice appreciated- as I'm unsure of whether to go back.

So I have always had quite negative experiences with hairdressers..I know it's a mixture of not explaining well and also the fact that I am
not good at saying what I think or standing up for myself.

So I took the plunge and went to a completely new hairdresser. Yes I know that can be a bad thing but I had a plan to show pictures and be very specific etc.

I went in and it was an older guy that seemed to know what he was doing. He saw a few pictures and said he wouldn't cut much off and he didn't. It was literally the perfect cut. But when it got to the blow dry it has so hot and I could feel the heat to the point where I started to put my hand over my head. I said, its hot and he said sorry. Then he continued to blow dry again, so close to my scalp and it really hurt. Then he wanted a cuddle. He said some comments about my looks that made me uncomfortable, that I have mesmerising eyes and then a moment of asking me if I was a stripper just made me laugh but when driving home, I realised how wrong that was. He was VERY touchy feely...shoulder massages at the start, whilst asking me what I wanted for my hair etc, I left with mixed feelings. Yes I know, this is inappropriate and the heat thing but my hair looks amazing.
Ugh.
Actually...I guess I have already realised that I can't go back. My head really hurt for the rest of the day and the creepy vibes...just wrong.

Sigh. Once again I have to keep looking.

[Ylva]

Then he wanted a cuddle. He said some comments about my looks that made me uncomfortable, that I have mesmerising eyes and then a moment of asking me if I was a stripper just made me laugh but when driving home, I realised how wrong that was. He was VERY touchy feely...shoulder massages at the start, whilst asking me what I wanted for my hair etc, I left with mixed feelings.

Um... WHAT?! :agape:

[jane_marie]

That's absolutely horrible. I'm not sure where you are from but often times hair dressers are regulated by a governmental branch in the US. I think that it would be a good idea to check if that is true for where you live, find out what that body is and report him ASAP.

I am so sorry that that happened to you. That is absolutely horrible.

[lapushka]

WTH. This is the point where you stand up for yourself. The shoulder massages? And you stayed?

No. Don't go back and report this guy and tell them what happened, asap. The heat, that's not that problematic, just saying it's too hot should resolve that, they can't always gauge the heat, but the massage and the hug all that... wrong, wrong, wrong.

[cjk]

Shoulder and even scalp massages are not that uncommon in a barbershop environment, but the way you described it you were obviously very uncomfortable.

And it was very inappropriate.

And without putting too fine a point on it, there are certain ******es that are very common among those who are haircutters. Particularly those who are very highly skilled. Definitely not excusing his behavior but maybe providing an explanation.

Sounds like a barber I would have enjoyed. You obviously didn't.

I'm so sorry you were made so uncomfortable. That was extremely unprofessional.

Definitely find somewhere else to go.

[shelomit]

Eeew : P I definitely would not return there.

[Laurab]

I'm really sorry you had to go through that :/
Something I was told once in early high school is even if you're the best person in your profession worldwide you won't get work if people don't WANT to work with you.
Sounds like that guys lost a good customer.

The good news is if you found a person who cuts your hair well once you can do it again.

You can even take a picture of this cut in, and explain what you like about it. I feel like if you establish yourself as someone very particular about your hair they're less likely to chop a ton off.
And for the heat, maybe say you'd prefer to let it airdry? I remember doing that as a kid when my mom was in a rush to move onto different chores lol.

[giraff]

Sorry you felt uncomfortable! The stripper comment and the cuddle was definitely stepping over the line. I don't know if there's much you can do about it, though. Maybe leave a bad review/rating so that others know when then chose to cut their hair there?

I'm sure you'll find someone who will do just as good a job cutting your hair in the future :) Don't worry!

[Seeshami]

I am so sorry you had to go through that experience. Yes your feelings are right you cannot go back. He is obviously preditory and using listening to your cut desires as a rapport and trust building mechanism. The fact he continued to hurt you with the blow dryer and then in his mind placed you in the category of "stripper" (the stereotype not the dance/expressive art form) is terrifying.

The very best of luck with finding a new hair dresser. In my years of experience you know you've got one when they express a desire to braid your hair, take pictures of it, and get a slightly horrified look on their face when you mention a cut.

Stay safe, and far away from that sociopath that cut your hair right but hurt your scalp.

[The-Young-Maid]

...Yikes.

I've had some pretty unsavory customers, including having my braid pulled, but I've never had a "professional" be that pervy. Well, besides a doctor but that's a different story. Please don't ever go back there. The perfect cut is never worth THAT.

Besides, if you ever went back it might reinforce his behavior.

[cjk]

Agreed, that type of haircut should be planned and administered with foreknowledge and a safe word.

And absolutely not for the uninitiated.

Please do not return to him, he crossed the proverbial line.

[*Wednesday*]

Can you contact the salon and speak to a manger (unless he’s is)? He’ll do it to other customers.

[SpottedBackson]

Do. Not. Go. Back. Unless you take your massive-ist, most protective-ist friend with you.

[SpottedBackson]

Agreed, that type of haircut should be planned and administered with foreknowledge and a safe word.

And absolutely not for the uninitiated.

Please do not return to him, he crossed the proverbial line.

I didn't know this was a think and now I am going to be very paranoid when I have to change hairdressers.

[SpottedBackson]

Agreed, that type of haircut should be planned and administered with foreknowledge and a safe word.

And absolutely not for the uninitiated.

Please do not return to him, he crossed the proverbial line.

I didn't know this was a thing and now I am going to be very paranoid when I have to change hairdressers.

[Stray_mind]

Sounds like sexual harrassment and i wouldn't return there ever.

[leafygreens18]

Sounds like sexual harassment to me. Don't go back! I get it, hair dressers can be scary. I'm sorry for this bad experience.

[Arciela]

Yikes! I would never return and also I would report what he did to the manager!

[SleepyTangles]

Another vote for not returning. That´s beyond eccentric, it´s dangerous.

[lapushka]

Another vote for not returning. That´s beyond eccentric, it´s dangerous.

That's more than eccentric, indeed!

cjk, I can't believe you said that. :confused: ******es, fine, in the privacy of the home, but not on a customer base, thankyouverymuch!

[Siv]

Shoulder and even scalp massages are not that uncommon in a barbershop environment, but the way you described it you were obviously very uncomfortable.

And it was very inappropriate.

And without putting too fine a point on it, there are certain ******es that are very common among those who are haircutters. Particularly those who are very highly skilled. Definitely not excusing his behavior but maybe providing an explanation.

Sounds like a barber I would have enjoyed. You obviously didn't.

I'm so sorry you were made so uncomfortable. That was extremely unprofessional.

Definitely find somewhere else to go.

What.


Agreed, that type of haircut should be planned and administered with foreknowledge and a safe word.

And absolutely not for the uninitiated.

Please do not return to him, he crossed the proverbial line.

What. What.


I am so sorry you had to go through that experience. Yes your feelings are right you cannot go back. He is obviously preditory and using listening to your cut desires as a rapport and trust building mechanism. The fact he continued to hurt you with the blow dryer and then in his mind placed you in the category of "stripper" (the stereotype not the dance/expressive art form) is terrifying.



Sounds like sexual harrassment and i wouldn't return there ever.

Look, I have some professional experience with sex crimes, and my understanding is that offenders often target victims that seem easily convinced, vulnerable, won't say no, etc. Of course, I may be biased because of my job and see sex crime everywhere I look, but... I also know a fair share about it and its mechanisms. And this really seems like predatory behaviour, especially since he targets someone who's mild mannered and is not initiated in whatever kink he has. What he's doing is sexual behaviour without consent. Really not okay. I'm sorry this happened to you @pixitolong! :hugs:

Also, it reminded me of a guy who ran loose in my hometown a few years ago. He was so darn convincing he managed to get women to let him massage them, which then went more and more intimate... and yeah. Grabby grabby. He met these women in parks, on the street, etc., so complete strangers, and we're in Scandinavia for gosh's sake, we're normally pretty aloof to strangers, so he was working against a cultural barrier as well. But he still did it to like 10 people before he targeted an off-duty police officer and got arrested... My point is, I'm not surprised you didn't up and leave just because he got a bit handsy and made those comments, because in the moment most people get caught off guard and it's not until after that we process what really happened.

[SpottedBackson]

:confused: ******es, fine, in the privacy of the home, but not on a customer base, thankyouverymuch!

Yes yes yes.

[cjk]

cjk, I can't believe you said that. :confused: ******es, fine, in the privacy of the home, but not on a customer base, thankyouverymuch!

There are shops that cater to certain clientele. The way she described the experience makes me think she stumbled into one by accident.

Under normal circumstances nothing she described is remotely acceptable at a professional level.

But she basically described the textbook definition of a ****** barber. That's why my brain went that direction.

[MissMuse]

This is really gross behaviour and not ok ever.

I hope you're ok. Please report him

[CuteCrow]

I agree that depends on your county and culture? There are a lot of places where all this that happened is seen as normal and not pervy or anything.
Also in my opinion a shoulder massage and a hug is a normal thing to do in a hair salon. But there are thresholds for that too, when you say touchy you mean he touched you a lot beyond that? With cuddle you mean he wanted something more than a quick "thank you" hug? Or that he hold you when you tried to break the hug? Those are some big fat red flags. And of course if in our culture is not common to touch other people casually everything that you told us he did seems so wrong.
Anyway, if you ever feel unsafe or uncomfortable in any situation like this I've been taught the best method to follow is:
1. Confront them, I know a lot of people are not comfortable with this but it's the best first step, it also can clear a lot of misunderstandings -not saying this is one of them-
2. Run. This just means get away from the person or the situation as quickly as possible
3. Denounce, to a superior, an authority, whoever you seem opportune.
4. Avoid. don't go were you know the other person will be or where the situation could repeat.

[Ylva]

I don't see the issue in any of cjk's messages. He just provided a possible explanation for the hairdresser's behaviour but that does not equate to accepting any of it.

Me, for example, it often helps more to reason things out rather than have people tell me what a poor thing I am (polarised example).

I second reporting the hairdresser to the manager.

[cjk]

I don't see the issue in any of cjk's messages. He just provided a possible explanation for the hairdresser's behaviour but that does not equate to accepting any of it.

Thank you!

[pixitolong]

Thank you to everyones feedback...and also never return, I don't know why I even thought of returning even for a second. To be honest, all I was thinking about was making sure I got a good haircut and so when all this other stuff happened, it just really took me off guard. Also to clarify for a few people, when he first sat me down in the chair and asked me what haircut I wanted, as I got my phone out and then he was massaging my shoulders whilst looking at the photos I showed him. I wasn't sure if that was normal (I am not a prude) but I sort of froze. Then at the end when I paid and he wanted to hug me...it was a longggg hug, really close and squeezing my back. I again froze. I know as a person, I should always stand up for myself but this never has happened to me before
so I wasn't armed with that frame of mind. I hated myself as I drove home because I didn't know what was wrong with me, and why I just didn't leave...my husband often tells me I'm a drama queen so in the back of my mind I was doubting myself for thinking this was wrong. It was also a home business..I had driven past the sign a few times and just went off that. Lesson learned...stick to an actual salon. We have to be so careful these days and no good haircut is worth it. Lesson learnt. I'm sorry if this post is triggering anybody, it's sort of triggering me with a negative mindset...so to end in a positive way, thank you for all your input. I knew it was weird but had to post for a bit of clarity. I didn't really tell anyone I know..my husband just thaught it was creepy and that's why he runs a business from home because maybe he had too many complaints when he had a salon.

[SleepyTangles]

I don't see the issue in any of cjk's messages. He just provided a possible explanation for the hairdresser's behaviour but that does not equate to accepting any of it.
Me, for example, it often helps more to reason things out rather than have people tell me what a poor thing I am (polarised example).
I second reporting the hairdresser to the manager.

I second that, I think it´s helpful to know if I ever stumble in the same situation.
Plus, the barber could have some mental issues. I wouldn´t rule it out, considering how weird and unproperly he acted.

[SleepyTangles]

Thank you to everyones feedback...and also never return, I don't know why I even thought of returning even for a second. To be honest, all I was thinking about was making sure I got a good haircut and so when all this other stuff happened, it just really took me off guard. Also to clarify for a few people, when he first sat me down in the chair and asked me what haircut I wanted, as I got my phone out and then he was massaging my shoulders whilst looking at the photos I showed him. I wasn't sure if that was normal (I am not a prude) but I sort of froze. Then at the end when I paid and he wanted to hug me...it was a longggg hug, really close and squeezing my back. I again froze. I know as a person, I should always stand up for myself but this never has happened to me before
so I wasn't armed with that frame of mind. I hated myself as I drove home because I didn't know what was wrong with me, and why I just didn't leave...my husband often tells me I'm a drama queen so in the back of my mind I was doubting myself for thinking this was wrong. It was also a home business..I had driven past the sign a few times and just went off that. Lesson learned...stick to an actual salon. We have to be so careful these days and no good haircut is worth it. Lesson learnt. I'm sorry if this post is triggering anybody, it's sort of triggering me with a negative mindset...so to end in a positive way, thank you for all your input. I knew it was weird but had to post for a bit of clarity. I didn't really tell anyone I know..my husband just thaught it was creepy and that's why he runs a business from home because maybe he had too many complaints when he had a salon.

I definitively think it´s creepy. It´s not easy to separate clearly between "simple creepy behavior" and "harassment", because it also depends on how how did you personally feel about the contact... and that´s fine, you shouldn´t feel that your distress is less valid because it´s based on a personal thing. Aka, let´s say that squeezing people into bear-hugs is a perfectly fine way to greet friends in Italy, but I´ve fast learned that it´s not common in Denmark and my friends would usually react with distress. Heck, even in Italy some people are not so keen on physical contact and prefer a smile and a handshake.

What makes me think this is beyond eccentric/a misunderstanding based on cultural differences, but something potentially dangerous, is that he asked you if you were a stripper. A stripper is not a sex worker, but her job has an imaginary/suggestive sexual component. He literally asked if your job involved any kind of sensual behavior, and he probably pictured you in it.
So, regardless if you consider the previous experience as an harassment or not, I think this man doesn´t know or doesn´t want to differentiate from reality and his immagination.

[0xalis]

It is So not okay for your husband to call you a "drama queen"... :/

[lapushka]

There are shops that cater to certain clientele. The way she described the experience makes me think she stumbled into one by accident.

Under normal circumstances nothing she described is remotely acceptable at a professional level.

But she basically described the textbook definition of a ****** barber. That's why my brain went that direction.

If there are shops like that, they should be reported. This is *not* OK. Like I said in an economical world, where there is a customer, seller relationship that is *never ever* OK! And should not be allowed.

[jane_marie]

I don't have a lot of time right now but I feel compelled to weigh in as I often due when conversations here turn to salon practices.

While shoulder massages are fairly commonplace in barbershops I'd like to let it be clear that these "f*tIsh barbers" cjk has mentioned are not commonplace. In fact, I as a past cosmetologist who worked in the industry for five years I have never heard of such a thing until reading this thread.

A 20 minute scroll using various related search term on google yielded just one result (https://www.flickr.com/groups/95491594@N00/discuss/72157603643921433/).

Due to my history working in a salon I feel it's important to point out that most salon professionals are not sex workers or aiming to turn a profit by fulfilling f*tish*sts desires. If these f*t*sh salons and barbershops are a service outside of Germany they are extremely niche establishments.

I feel like it's important that this community, which already has a good degree of mistrust to people in the hair industry know that the likelihood of "stumbling" into a shop that caters to "certain clientele" is extremely low and not something to be actively fearful of.

[CuteCrow]

pixitolon
Yup, what you said sound totally creepy. And being like that AND a home business makes ring all my alarms. But I have to say NEVER feel bad for being uncorfotable and not standing up for yourself, it's so easy to fall in the guilt trap when YOU are actually he victim here. It's not your fault he trepassed all the boundaries and didn't know when to stop. It's a completely normal reaction to freeze when you are uncorfotable and don't know how to react. And that should have been the only signal he needed to stop being like that.
But I also agree that sometimes is hard to draw the line between creepy/weirdo vibes and straight out harassment, I'd say that if you have someone to report his behaviour definitely do it.


If there are shops like that, they should be reported. This is *not* OK. Like I said in an economical world, where there is a customer, seller relationship that is *never ever* OK! And should not be allowed.
Well, that's kind of kink shaming :p I think it's ok as long as it's advertised like that, otherwise it would be misleading and I agree it should be reported. That's what I think cjk meant . A little bit like those longhair YouTube channels obviously marketed for people with certain ******es, they shouldn't be frown upon just by existing, they are not harming anyone. It's different from those channels that steal pictures and videos for the same purposes.

[lapushka]

pixitolon
Yup, what you said sound totally creepy. And being like that AND a home business makes ring all my alarms. But I have to say NEVER feel bad for being uncorfotable and not standing up for yourself, it's so easy to fall in the guilt trap when YOU are actually he victim here. It's not your fault he trepassed all the boundaries and didn't know when to stop. It's a completely normal reaction to freeze when you are uncorfotable and don't know how to react. And that should have been the only signal he needed to stop being like that.
But I also agree that sometimes is hard to draw the line between creepy/weirdo vibes and straight out harassment, I'd say that if you have someone to report his behaviour definitely do it.


Well, that's kind of kink shaming :p I think it's ok as long as it's advertised like that, otherwise it would be misleading and I agree it should be reported. That's what I think cjk meant . A little bit like those longhair YouTube channels obviously marketed for people with certain ******es, they shouldn't be frown upon just by existing, they are not harming anyone. It's different from those channels that steal pictures and videos for the same purposes.

Hmm. :hmm: I don't know about that. I think things like that are fine in the privacy of your home, but that's my opinion.

[SpottedBackson]

pixitolon

Well, that's kind of kink shaming :p I think it's ok as long as it's advertised like that, otherwise it would be misleading and I agree it should be reported. That's what I think cjk meant . A little bit like those longhair YouTube channels obviously marketed for people with certain ******es, they shouldn't be frown upon just by existing, they are not harming anyone. It's different from those channels that steal pictures and videos for the same purposes.


I get this... but. The fact that people are able to "accidentally stumble into one" when they have no knowledge of them or desire to go to one is a big problem. It just shouldn't happen. AND it tells me that that is not what this hairdresser was. I googled "****** barber" like jane_marie and I found images. They were really obviously ****** situations - the barbers where topless or near topless and all of them were men cutting men's hair. Not men cutting women's hair or any other combination.

[Laurab]

I get this... but. The fact that people are able to "accidentally stumble into one" when they have no knowledge of them or desire to go to one is a big problem. It just shouldn't happen. AND it tells me that that is not what this hairdresser was. I googled "****** barber" like jane_marie and I found images. They were really obviously ****** situations - the barbers where topless or near topless and all of them were men cutting men's hair. Not men cutting women's hair or any other combination.

If someone's got a kink that's none of my buisiness, to each their own, but I totally agree that it should be obviously marked enough that no one would find it by accident.
Like, to go into a sex shop or strip club you've at least got to have photo ID proving your a certain age. We don't need children getting into situations way over their heads because they didn't know.

My guess is it's just one creepy guy, not the whole shop's selling point.

[littlestarface]

With how hard it is to 1 find a good hair cutter person and 2 to trim hair yourself, I would go back and just ask not to dry it please and then right after the cut pay and gtfo. I have a hard time cutting my own hair so I would put up with whatever for something I'm gonna get once or twice a year.

[Groovy Granny]

Thank you to everyones feedback...and also never return, I don't know why I even thought of returning even for a second. To be honest, all I was thinking about was making sure I got a good haircut and so when all this other stuff happened, it just really took me off guard. Also to clarify for a few people, when he first sat me down in the chair and asked me what haircut I wanted, as I got my phone out and then he was massaging my shoulders whilst looking at the photos I showed him. I wasn't sure if that was normal (I am not a prude) but I sort of froze. Then at the end when I paid and he wanted to hug me...it was a longggg hug, really close and squeezing my back. I again froze. I know as a person, I should always stand up for myself but this never has happened to me before
so I wasn't armed with that frame of mind. I hated myself as I drove home because I didn't know what was wrong with me, and why I just didn't leave...my husband often tells me I'm a drama queen so in the back of my mind I was doubting myself for thinking this was wrong. It was also a home business..I had driven past the sign a few times and just went off that. Lesson learned...stick to an actual salon. We have to be so careful these days and no good haircut is worth it. Lesson learnt. I'm sorry if this post is triggering anybody, it's sort of triggering me with a negative mindset...so to end in a positive way, thank you for all your input. I knew it was weird but had to post for a bit of clarity. I didn't really tell anyone I know..my husband just thaught it was creepy and that's why he runs a business from home because maybe he had too many complaints when he had a salon.

PLEASE.....do NOT go back for your safety!!

The fact that he cuts hair IN HIS HOME and then acts like that is a sure RECIPE FOR TROUBLE ....especially if you return ....because that would be affirming for him to continue/do more.

CREEP :patrol:

I am sorry that happened to you (((hugs)))

[blackgothicdoll]

PLEASE.....do NOT go back for your safety!!

The fact that he cuts hair IN HIS HOME and then acts like that is a sure RECIPE FOR TROUBLE ....especially if you return ....because that would be affirming for him to continue/do more.

CREEP :patrol:

I am sorry that happened to you (((hugs)))

Quoting this for extra thread space. Every. Single. Word.

ETA: Just wanna make sure everyone has read this this isn't a shop, it's some dude's house where he cuts hair. Sounds more like a trap than a business. Can you even press charges if he did something to you since you're in his home and he's the only witness? Not worth even exploring this scenario. Stay away. I'm glad you're ok OP.

[TatsuOni]

What a creep!

And to everyone. I've seen it recommended to write f*tish like this or in a similar way, to minimize the risk of people googling that word and hair, ending up on LHC. I think that it makes sense :)

[Ylva]

And to everyone. I've seen it recommended to write f*tish like this or in a similar way, to minimize the risk of people googling that word and hair, ending up on LHC. I think that it makes sense :)

Could the mods or the admin possibly add the F-word to the list of those that get automatically censored?

[TatsuOni]

Could the mods or the admin possibly add the F-word to the list of those that get automatically censored?

Good idea!

[jane_marie]

What a creep!

And to everyone. I've seen it recommended to write f*tish like this or in a similar way, to minimize the risk of people googling that word and hair, ending up on LHC. I think that it makes sense :)

Oh, okay, thank you. I changed my comment. :)

[Groovy Granny]

In thinking about this further, I would suggest that you REPORT HIM TO THE POLICE.
You never know what his legal background is and he could already be on their radar as a sexual predator.
Even if he is not, he would be now ....and others will be better protected.
ETA:IF he is licensed, that is NOT acceptable behavior and the Licensing board would be interested as well :nono:

[lapushka]

That reminds me we were once at the beach and there was this little "cheap" Pakistani shop that sold pretty skirts (pencil skirts). Me and my mom tried some on. I was 16 at the time. Just turned 16! I was trying to see if it fit at the waist, and had some trouble, so the shop owner came over and ran his finger along my skin (belly at the waistline) to "see if it wasn't too tight". His finger lingered a little too long for my liking and went back and forth, back and forth. I told my mom, and we were out of there *right quick* with the necessary noise.

In a shop you can raise hell and complain. Not so in someone's home. Therein lies the danger.

I don't think I would ever chance going to a dude's home to get my hair cut. But that's me. I have been through too much to trust that easy!