My mother doesn't understand my texture

[luckydandelion]

Feel free to absolutely ignore this thread, I just wanted to share this deep frustration of mine :rant:(and maybe get advice or just a little sympathy).
I have 2b/2c hair (depends on how I style it) that is very thick and soft. Some people call it frizzy, but to me its simply just voluminous and fluffy. Think Lorde in her very first videos!
My mother has spiderweb-thin hair, and really tight 3A curls. She's convinced we have the same texture (aside from the obvious thickness difference) and insists my hair won't curl because I don't put enough conditioner or leave in, and also scolds me and pressures me to use products I don't like in order to make my hair look "presentable" :rolleyes:. While I can encourage curls, it's troublesome and it makes my hair feel icky and greasy. Furthermore, my scalp is easily upset and all the superfluous conditioning I need to get curls upsets it even more!

It's a battle I can't win! She won't listen, and it makes me so deeply insecure to feel that my hair "fails to be curly", or that it's unnaceptable in its natural state :(. I obviously haven't had this issue since I shaved my head, but once I get out of buzzcut territory it's going to stir up trouble again.

Anyways, I'd love to hear if someone has similar experiences (about relatives or friends not understanding how your hair texture works). And, if you can, advice on how I can firmly but respectfully let her know that the way I style my hair is my business? We really don't have the best relationship, and allowing her to be mean to me is not a solution.

[ravenheather]

This isn't about hair. This is about boundaries. It's your hair. It's your choice. I would just respond to any comments with I prefer to style (or not style) my hair like this. If she keeps going, just tell her that you don't want to talk about it. It hurts when we don't get our loved ones approval, but sometimes you just have to get a thicker skin and tough it out. I'm sorry this hurts you.

[Sarahlabyrinth]

This isn't about hair. This is about boundaries. It's your hair. It's your choice. I would just respond to any comments with I prefer to style (or not style) my hair like this. If she keeps going, just tell her that you don't want to talk about it. It hurts when we don't get our loved ones approval, but sometimes you just have to get a thicker skin and tough it out. I'm sorry this hurts you.

I agree with this advice. Just say "I like it this way." And repeat it over and over like a broken record until she gives up on the criticisms.

[luckydandelion]

This isn't about hair. This is about boundaries. It's your hair. It's your choice. I would just respond to any comments with I prefer to style (or not style) my hair like this. If she keeps going, just tell her that you don't want to talk about it. It hurts when we don't get our loved ones approval, but sometimes you just have to get a thicker skin and tough it out. I'm sorry this hurts you.


I agree with this advice. Just say "I like it this way." And repeat it over and over like a broken record until she gives up on the criticisms.

Thank you both so much for the insight: it's very reassuring to have a third party agree that I'm not being unreasonable. I'll try being more assertive about it, when/if it comes up again when my hair is longer.

[OhSuzi]

When I was a teenager my mum would constantly tell me off for dying my hair / not running a brush through it etc.
but thats 'cause I knew what was cool amongst people my age, and it is my hair to treat as I liked.
I don't think she was trying to tell me that my hair was awful, or be deliberately mean to me - it's just as a grown up you can have a different perspective, probably if anything it was concern and frustration on her part because she wanted the best for me and knew my natural colour suited my skin better than cheap copper packet dye, that the condition would be better if I didnt constantly bleach and dye it.
I'd probably answer back if she commenetd 'But it would look so pretty' with 'only to you' or 'Yes, but I WOULDNT like it and its MY hair I dont tell you what to do with your hair', but I didnt dwell on the comments or think that she was ashamed of my appearance - I just totally ignored her advice and carried on being me.
Eventually I made my own choice to be more natural & havent regretted it - but it wasnt from pressure from someone else, but I can also see that she was probably right.
I think the same way about my neice now - she has beautiful curly hair - that she hates - so instead she brushes it out & uses heat straightners on it and dyes it black, she is still beautiful, but to me her hair sometimes looks frizzy, actual burnt damaged ends, and the black goes a sort of matt smokey burnt black - theres no shine to it - It frustrates me 'cause I can see the potential for really shiny beautiful unique curly hair that no one else has.
Unlike my mum - I don't 'helpfully suggest' how she should do it - I know that it would come accross as 'you dont look good enough, let me change you' - when actually what Im thinking is you're already beautiful and if you embraced your natural beauty you could be leagues ahead of all the other insecure teens fighting against their natural beauty.
But I'll leave it to her to either work this out herself, or leave her to enjoy her own self expression and her own idea of what makes pretty hair.

thats my experience - which is not quite the same as yours -but just so you know, I expect her comments are well meaning and she doesnt realise that it comes accross as negative or that its making you feel insecure - perhaps her hair was a simlar texture to yours as a teenager, so she knows it can go into tight curls - that still doesn't mean you'd have to do it.
Perhaps she thinks your texture is the same but it's really not, and actually regardless of whether it is or isnt you don't want to put lots of products in your hair, perhaps you and her just have a different idea of what makes nice hair or what suits you & what suits her are not the same.

If you're very tolerant and you don't think she'll damage it, you could let her have one go at doing your hair - but obviously only if you were up for that.

At least then you could unequivically state see my hair texture is not the same as yours - or yes thanks mum it can go into tight curls, but I prefer my hair the other way and without all the products. for all the reasons youve already stated it takes time and you dont like the feel & the build up etc.

Or I'll tell you what mum Ill try it curly like this and full of products if you wear yours like mine product free - what you don't think I should get to decide how your hair looks?

You can explain to her - thank you for your advice but sometimes when you say this it sounds like you don't think my hair is good enough just the way it is and you leave me feeling very self concious about it. You're just going to have to accept that my hair is going to look messy to you - because this is the way I prefer to have it and its my hair to decide upon. I do not tell you how to have your hair or what products you should use - I respect your choices and you should respect mine.

If she doesnt get it after you've explained and continues to say stuff that seems hurtful and it does seem to be deliberate - you just have to let it go and not let it affect you and remind yourself that her opinion on hair is irrelevant to you. If she doesnt respect your choice and your feelings you dont have to respect her opinons just laugh at her comments.

[luckydandelion]

OhSuzi:
Thank you for such a detailed, thorough reply. I'll definitely consider that perspective when I bring it up to her- I hadn't considered that she may have not realized her words were hurting me.

[RottenMango]

Maybe showing her a hair typing chart. My mom likes to believe I’m her hair twin as well. She has 3b hair and I have 3c hair. She believes I wash my hair too often and thinks I should wash it less even though I have literally told her a thousand times that, that doesn’t work for my hair.

[luckydandelion]

Maybe showing her a hair typing chart. My mom likes to believe I’m her hair twin as well. She has 3b hair and I have 3c hair. She believes I wash my hair too often and thinks I should wash it less even though I have literally told her a thousand times that, that doesn’t work for my hair.
That could help, too! She might not believe it coming from me, but having a "reputable source" say the same thing is completely different isnt it?;)
It's so hard when you have to repeat the same things over and over... I totally understand your frustration here. I'm hoping changing my approach will improve the situation for me.

[lithostoic]

My mom also insists we have the same hair even though hers is much thinner and constantly talks about how "we" have "such thin lifeless hair". I think she is just jealous. Not sure about your mom. Sounds like a control thing.

[lapushka]

You're 18. You can do what you want. :flower:

Maybe explain to her that you don't have the same texture and you like to style your hair the way you want.

I do sort of "agree" with your mom in the sense that it is always better to bring out your texture and let the hair flourish rather than brushing the heck out of it dry if it's at all in the type 2/3 category. But you do you. The thing is, you don't HAVE TO listen to anyone, and you can just do whatever it is that you want.

[luckydandelion]

You're 18. You can do what you want. :flower:

Maybe explain to her that you don't have the same texture and you like to style your hair the way you want.

I do sort of "agree" with your mom in the sense that it is always better to bring out your texture and let the hair flourish rather than brushing the heck out of it dry if it's at all in the type 2/3 category. But you do you. The thing is, you don't HAVE TO listen to anyone, and you can just do whatever it is that you want.

I understand where you're coming from, but it's not the issue here:oops:. I don't brush my hair dry, nor undo my waves in any form: my mother's issue is with my hair texture being relaxed, s shaped waves with the ocassional ringlet on the lengths (instead of ringlets all over like she has) and refusing to believe we have different hair types, blaming it instead on nonexistent hair neglect:confused:.

[luckydandelion]

My mom also insists we have the same hair even though hers is much thinner and constantly talks about how "we" have "such thin lifeless hair". I think she is just jealous. Not sure about your mom. Sounds like a control thing.

Could be a control thing! That's why I appreciate everyone's outlooks on the situation, it's real difficult to interpret as an insider :(

[Khristopher]

Hey there! I second showing her a hairtype chart, educating people is the best way to solve problems. You can also show her pics of celebrities with your same texture, meaning it doesn't look unkept or messy...some youtube videos might help as well. If all that fails and she is still struck up with her ideas, let her be and ignore her, you know better! Repeating 'it's my hair,it is what it is and I like it' like a broken disc is the other thing you could do, it's what worked with my mom while I was growing and she always wanted me to cut it to a 'normal' length. Seems like she got tired getting the same non-engaging response and stopped. It's a patience excercise lol.
Forgot to add: if she doesn't -see- the problem she won't complain. Buns and braids are your friends! At least around her. How long is your hair right now?

[luckydandelion]

Hey there! I second showing her a hairtype chart, educating people is the best way to solve problems. You can also show her pics of celebrities with your same texture, meaning it doesn't look unkept or messy...some youtube videos might help as well. If all that fails and she is still struck up with her ideas, let her be and ignore her, you know better! Repeating 'it's my hair,it is what it is and I like it' like a broken disc is the other thing you could do, it's what worked with my mom while I was growing and she always wanted me to cut it to a 'normal' length. Seems like she got tired getting the same non-engaging response and stopped. It's a patience excercise lol.
Forgot to add: if she doesn't -see- the problem she won't complain. Buns and braids are your friends! At least around her. How long is your hair right now?

I just updated my profile pic- I have no hair, period :bigeyes: I had it in varying lengths all throughout my teen years though (from midback to shoulder length to a pixie cut) and we ALWAYS had the same issue:rolleyes:. I'm planning to braid my hair as soon as it grows long enough, so I'll be able to low-style in peace!:o

[lapushka]

I understand where you're coming from, but it's not the issue here:oops:. I don't brush my hair dry, nor undo my waves in any form: my mother's issue is with my hair texture being relaxed, s shaped waves with the ocassional ringlet on the lengths (instead of ringlets all over like she has) and refusing to believe we have different hair types, blaming it instead on nonexistent hair neglect:confused:.

I'm sorry if I misunderstood! :flower: I thought she was pushing you to style it curly like her.

Maybe just continue to tell her you have different textures and that you would like to do your hair as you please. :)


I just updated my profile pic- I have no hair, period :bigeyes: I had it in varying lengths all throughout my teen years though (from midback to shoulder length to a pixie cut) and we ALWAYS had the same issue:rolleyes:. I'm planning to braid my hair as soon as it grows long enough, so I'll be able to low-style in peace!:o

It's cute, though! :D

[luckydandelion]

I'm sorry if I misunderstood! :flower: I thought she was pushing you to style it curly like her.

Maybe just continue to tell her you have different textures and that you would like to do your hair as you please. :)



It's cute, though! :D

No worries about the misunderstanding! I could have been clearer about it haha- and thank you!:o

[Khristopher]

I just updated my profile pic- I have no hair, period :bigeyes: I had it in varying lengths all throughout my teen years though (from midback to shoulder length to a pixie cut) and we ALWAYS had the same issue:rolleyes:. I'm planning to braid my hair as soon as it grows long enough, so I'll be able to low-style in peace!:o
Oh sorry, I thought that was a sidecut, not actual fully shaven, haha. Agree with Lapushka, looks great :D

[-Fern]

My mom (and her whole side of the family) has fine, thin straight hair, and I wound up with thick, coarse wavy hair. Growing up, she just taught me what worked best for her, because that was what she knew. Washing daily, brushing/styling while wet, etc. My hair rebelled with a vengeance.

It wasn't until my 20's that I started experimenting with different ways to treat my hair, and my whole family is amazed at how healthy and happy it is now.

I agree with the folks who are saying that you might want to show your mom as your hair grows longer that it is just different than hers... After all, you are only 50% her genetically. ;) But I also agree that it's probably not her intention to do harm with her comments... We can all only really give advice based on our own experiences. It's still okay to let her know that you are going to try doing what works for your scalp + hair type.

[spidermom]

I agree with showing her a hair typing chart plus repeating "my hair is wavy, not curly".

[Servana]

Yeah I have had this experience with a lot of people. I have thick, long 2A hair and I live in a very hot, humid city. Yeahhhhh. -_-

Most people I grew up with had light, thin and straight hair, so my hair received a lot of criticism. "It's so dark..." "Omg it's so thick..." "Do you even brush it?" Etc. Same with the rest of my appearance, really, as I am considered "ethnic" in my country.

It was really awful when I was a kid. My mum, who had very thin and fine, short blonde 1b hair had no idea how to handle my hair. She would try to detangle it with a comb! It would take an hour and I would scream and cry the whole time because it hurt so much even though she was trying to be gentle. Sometimes the combs would break 😂 Unfortunately because I was taught by my mum I had no idea how to keep my hair detangled on a daily basis (those tiny plastic hair brushes she gave me barely penetrated my hair, plus I hated the pain of detangling). Untimately the underside of my hair would always turn into a giant knot and my mum would cut my hair to collarbone length.

This went on until I was about 12 and I finally figured out what worked for my hair. No more giant knots! And I definitely don't own a comb, lol.

The problem with parents is that most of the time they refuse to listen or believe you could possibly know more than they do. You could show her a hair type chart but I don't know it would do any good. It's so frustrating when people are like that -_-

[Wusel]

Feel free to absolutely ignore this thread, I just wanted to share this deep frustration of mine :rant:(and maybe get advice or just a little sympathy).
I have 2b/2c hair (depends on how I style it) that is very thick and soft. Some people call it frizzy, but to me its simply just voluminous and fluffy. Think Lorde in her very first videos!
My mother has spiderweb-thin hair, and really tight 3A curls. She's convinced we have the same texture (aside from the obvious thickness difference) and insists my hair won't curl because I don't put enough conditioner or leave in, and also scolds me and pressures me to use products I don't like in order to make my hair look "presentable" :rolleyes:. While I can encourage curls, it's troublesome and it makes my hair feel icky and greasy. Furthermore, my scalp is easily upset and all the superfluous conditioning I need to get curls upsets it even more!

It's a battle I can't win! She won't listen, and it makes me so deeply insecure to feel that my hair "fails to be curly", or that it's unnaceptable in its natural state :(. I obviously haven't had this issue since I shaved my head, but once I get out of buzzcut territory it's going to stir up trouble again.

Anyways, I'd love to hear if someone has similar experiences (about relatives or friends not understanding how your hair texture works). And, if you can, advice on how I can firmly but respectfully let her know that the way I style my hair is my business? We really don't have the best relationship, and allowing her to be mean to me is not a solution.

My mom doesn't understand that wearing your hair down all the time isn't good. She believes that updos, braids etc. are bad for your hair and only wearing it loose is good. So, she would like me to wear my hair down all the time which isn't an option for me because it would damage it and give me split ends. Which I had when I was in my teens and wore my hair down every day. I remember doing S&D all the time. Now that I wear it up often I nevery have any splits.

[luckydandelion]

Oh sorry, I thought that was a sidecut, not actual fully shaven, haha. Agree with Lapushka, looks great :D
Thank you!:o

My mom (and her whole side of the family) has fine, thin straight hair, and I wound up with thick, coarse wavy hair. Growing up, she just taught me what worked best for her, because that was what she knew. Washing daily, brushing/styling while wet, etc. My hair rebelled with a vengeance.

It wasn't until my 20's that I started experimenting with different ways to treat my hair, and my whole family is amazed at how healthy and happy it is now.

I agree with the folks who are saying that you might want to show your mom as your hair grows longer that it is just different than hers... After all, you are only 50% her genetically. ;) But I also agree that it's probably not her intention to do harm with her comments... We can all only really give advice based on our own experiences. It's still okay to let her know that you are going to try doing what works for your scalp + hair type.
That's true! My dad has even thicker, dark wavy hair. If my hair is wire thick, his is rope thick! I've used that as an argument before, but god is she stubborn :rolleyes: her argument is that my brother also has my dad's hair and he has ringlets (ignoring that my brother produces 5 times the sebum I do, and has a totally different curl pattern):confused:

I agree with showing her a hair typing chart plus repeating "my hair is wavy, not curly".
It seems like I'll have to be as insistent as her, if not more

Yeah I have had this experience with a lot of people. I have thick, long 2A hair and I live in a very hot, humid city. Yeahhhhh. -_-

Most people I grew up with had light, thin and straight hair, so my hair received a lot of criticism. "It's so dark..." "Omg it's so thick..." "Do you even brush it?" Etc. Same with the rest of my appearance, really, as I am considered "ethnic" in my country.

It was really awful when I was a kid. My mum, who had very thin and fine, short blonde 1b hair had no idea how to handle my hair. She would try to detangle it with a comb! It would take an hour and I would scream and cry the whole time because it hurt so much even though she was trying to be gentle. Sometimes the combs would break �� Unfortunately because I was taught by my mum I had no idea how to keep my hair detangled on a daily basis (those tiny plastic hair brushes she gave me barely penetrated my hair, plus I hated the pain of detangling). Untimately the underside of my hair would always turn into a giant knot and my mum would cut my hair to collarbone length.

This went on until I was about 12 and I finally figured out what worked for my hair. No more giant knots! And I definitely don't own a comb, lol.

The problem with parents is that most of the time they refuse to listen or believe you could possibly know more than they do. You could show her a hair type chart but I don't know it would do any good. It's so frustrating when people are like that -_-
I know, right? I'll do my best though... As someone said earlier, if I wear it up or raided she can't know!

My mom doesn't understand that wearing your hair down all the time isn't good. She believes that updos, braids etc. are bad for your hair and only wearing it loose is good. So, she would like me to wear my hair down all the time which isn't an option for me because it would damage it and give me split ends. Which I had when I was in my teens and wore my hair down every day. I remember doing S&D all the time. Now that I wear it up often I nevery have any splits.

I'm so glad I found these forums before I decided to grow my hair out!! I'll definitely keep mine braided when possible, I love not having to think about my hair.