Betrayed?! Bestie chopped her hair!

[Cherriezzzzz]

My bestie and I were growing out our hair... We're long distance friends so we don't see each other right now (fyi.) She looked like a princess... past bsl, grown out her bangs even (what a feat for her!) Now it's been a few months, the shock of her cutting her hair back to the same haircut she hates, has worn off. We're really besties and we're basically the same person. But she cut her hair without telling me... I felt so bad. I prefer her hair to mine. She prefers my hair to hers. We were LH crazy people, growing out TOGETHER. She hates her hair now, again. She recently sent me a pic of her old hair and I don't EVER want to make her feel bad as she regrows it all out, again. How do I console myself without making her feel bad? I feel alone. It's hard to grow out my hair! REALLY REALLY hard! I thrived on her support and our solidarity... We were weird TOGETHER... now I'm just weird LOL! I feel stupid. This is the ONLY thing I can't talk about with her because I refuse to put my long hair "in her face" or make her feel bad she cut it "against" me? It's hard to word this... anyone have a real life friend who can gush with you about super long hair?! It's so hard to grow without her. It's JUST not the same, I can't trust she won't chop it off again because she did it rather... like... against her own will? Hard to describe the amount of regret she has and how the cutting just got out of control for her. I'm just in support mode for her... But I want compassion for my ratty, split ended, thick, unruly, crazy hair!

[AmaryllisRed]

I don't have any real life long-haired friends.
That's what this place is for. :)

[AutobotsAttack]

Probably would be best to not hold so much value in something as tangible as growing out hair.
I understand you guys are friends, and you made some sort of pact, but things like that can easily
become mundane, and lose its spark as time requires a bit more patience. Your friend did what
normal folks do after some point in time: She acted upon the urge to change up things. Perhaps
she went a bit too far, got carried away, all that Jazz. But you shouldn’t feel you’ve been “betrayed”
so to speak. If anything you feel let down. You’re all excited, something new, possibly challenging,
and fun that you and your best friend decided to embark on together. Things didn’t go as planned,
which is normal, that’s life. Instead of focusing on the emotions that many of us attach to expectations
just pick a new thing to accomplish with your friend. Go places, go on hikes, try a new workout plan together,
take up a pottery class together. Engage in something that won’t be made into a competition, or has
to measured by quantity, but something that can bring you guys closer together, and can bring out the unique
qualities in each of you, so that if one doesn’t do exactly the same thing as the other, it won’t even matter.

[Five of Five]

Sorry to hear that your friend is regretting her hair cut and that you now feel a bit alone in this journey.

It sounds like you have a really close friendship. I don't think she would think you were rubbing your long hair in her face if you talked about your journey with her. Length really is all about health, and that is something you can focus on at any length!

Good luck and best wishes to both of you on your journey.

[Ylva]

Sorry to hear your friend is not happy with her haircut. However, I don't think it's wise to take someone else's decisions so... personally? Or to let them affect you in such a way. In the end, she still made the decision. It wasn't affected by you, you didn't pressure her into doing it. You can symphatize with her, but you don't need to let it affect the way you feel about your hair and your growth journey.

That's why you're in the LHC - to socialize with the other weirdos that are growing out their hair.

[*Wednesday*]

Sorry to hear you're so disappointed and so deeply connected on a hair growing Journey with your friend.

However, the two of you are two different people. She has a life to lead which she doesn't have to consult with you or ask permission. If you need more support why not visit in on a length check thread if time allows?

[Joules]

May I ask why you're growing out your hair? From the way you wrote it it sounds like way too much of a struggle for you and your friend, like you're trying to lose 400 pounds each rather than just grow longer locks. Hair is just hair, growing it should be enjoyable, not a major battle where you need a ton of support. Hair grows on its own, it doesn't really need anything from you except protection and an occasional deep treatment. My advice would be to find another hobby that would interest both of you, and focus on that, your hair will grow long in no time :)


How do I console myself without making her feel bad?

Realise that she already feels horrible and guilty :shrug:

[Cherriezzzzz]

I don't have any real life long-haired friends.
That's what this place is for. :)

Yea we were on HLC (I wish she was on, but alas she's a lurker hehe!) And this place was how we became interested in long hair.

[Cherriezzzzz]

Probably would be best to not hold so much value in something as tangible as growing out hair.
I understand you guys are friends, and you made some sort of pact, but things like that can easily
become mundane, and lose its spark as time requires a bit more patience. Your friend did what
normal folks do after some point in time: She acted upon the urge to change up things. Perhaps
she went a bit too far, got carried away, all that Jazz. But you shouldn’t feel you’ve been “betrayed”
so to speak. If anything you feel let down. You’re all excited, something new, possibly challenging,
and fun that you and your best friend decided to embark on together. Things didn’t go as planned,
which is normal, that’s life. Instead of focusing on the emotions that many of us attach to expectations
just pick a new thing to accomplish with your friend. Go places, go on hikes, try a new workout plan together,
take up a pottery class together. Engage in something that won’t be made into a competition, or has
to measured by quantity, but something that can bring you guys closer together, and can bring out the unique
qualities in each of you, so that if one doesn’t do exactly the same thing as the other, it won’t even matter.

We've been friends literally our entire lives. There's no negative consequences of her haircut between us as friends. We acknowledge we can upset each other (albeit extremely rarely.) But as life is, we do not live anywhere near one another. When we did we were together daily. So doing things together was possible. But yea she did get caught up and ended up at a hairdresser! (We all know how that usually goes.) But we had been growing together for about two years...

[Cherriezzzzz]

Sorry to hear that your friend is regretting her hair cut and that you now feel a bit alone in this journey.

It sounds like you have a really close friendship. I don't think she would think you were rubbing your long hair in her face if you talked about your journey with her. Length really is all about health, and that is something you can focus on at any length!

Good luck and best wishes to both of you on your journey.

This post really made me feel better :) I do think you're right, but I am worried about upsetting her further. Any one whose growing their hair has had at least one crazy dream about it being chopped off (or is it just me haha!) But I KNOW it's just as upsetting to her as it is to me.

And YES her hair is suuuuuuper healthy now. So much thicker, hemline even with layers looks tremendously thicker. She was dying with a semi-permanent hair color and now that's ALL gone. She's a "conventional products turned natural" LHCer and has discovered henna! See maybe it's that I was SO in love with her beautiful hair?! I've always admired it before (from her childhood long wisps, elbow length dyed blonde hair of her teens, and then she was various short styles till she grew it out for her wedding... and it went back to shorter, but then she started henna and growing it out... guys I can't describe how beautiful it was!) I actually also loved her short black dyed hair (a teen moment hehe!) It hurts me too, to see her realize what she lost! Haha it's like we're mourning her hair?! I just can't bring myself to complain about my length. But it's in THEE worst stage... I've thick hair and it being waist length it's too think to bun easily and WAY too long to ponytail, too ratty to top knot...

[Cherriezzzzz]

Sorry to hear your friend is not happy with her haircut. However, I don't think it's wise to take someone else's decisions so... personally? Or to let them affect you in such a way. In the end, she still made the decision. It wasn't affected by you, you didn't pressure her into doing it. You can symphatize with her, but you don't need to let it affect the way you feel about your hair and your growth journey.

That's why you're in the LHC - to socialize with the other weirdos that are growing out their hair.

Oh well... I guess not everyone gets our friendship. Understandable. Everything we do effects the other. That's why she didn't tell . She knew it would hurt me. We're just extremely close... We've been this way our whole lives. She'll probably read my post lol! It's not as if she's unaware of how I feel. She knows! I just can't bring myself to "Do our hair talks" because of what she lost, but her lose is my loss as well.

[Cherriezzzzz]

Sorry to hear you're so disappointed and so deeply connected on a hair growing Journey with your friend.

However, the two of you are two different people. She has a life to lead which she doesn't have to consult with you or ask permission. If you need more support why not visit in on a length check thread if time allows?

That's why I'm here! I really appreciate all the posts... just talking about this helps a whole ton. I've been recovering from the shock of her chop. It was just SO unexpected! Have you ever knew like a married couple you thought was so happy and just overnight they're getting a divorce or something? It's not that she'd EVER need my permission haha! I'd never be on that position with her. If she needed or wanted to cut I'd be utterly supportive. She's the sort of slight build, dainty featured person who could ROCK a pixie... I'm hurting also for her, because like I stated in my original post, this wasn't what she REALLY wanted. I am left to deal with her disappointment as well, which is the reason I can't complain about my long hair issues. She wishes she has my problems LOL!

[Cherriezzzzz]

Wow! You know, we NEVER thought of why we were growing out our hair?! What a philosophical question to ponder! Thank you... I'm actually going to bring this up to her. I think you just made a way for me too broach this subject with her! I guess we don't need a ton of support but when you're obsessed with something it occupies the mind and we're happy and ready to talk ALL HAIR! Hahaha! You're right though about the other hobby. We have PLENTY of other things we obsess over. We're both homeschool moms and we've gotten onto a new educational philosophy that we LOVE.

[lapushka]

It's her hair, and she's gonna learn the hard way, I'm afraid. Lots of us, including me, went that route. Wouldn't listen to good advice and other people and just dyed and cut it all to hell. Oh well.

I don't think you need to feel betrayed, but I can understand why you do feel that way.

Maybe she just needs to experiment with her hair?

[Cherriezzzzz]

I think a lot of what you say here is right... She'll learn. Or rather she has. We've had a friendship where I protect her a lot. She definitely didn't want to experiment, but she DID want to get rid of that old haircolor... and she thought she didn't like her haircut. But she wanted to grow it too lol

[akurah]

Maybe try to look at the bright side:
The hair color is gone that she didn't like anymore
She knows not to do it again because she knows how upset she'll be after
She can grow it back.

While this sounds painful to both of you, it's not something that can't be recovered from (for example, it's not like her favorite.. I don't know, like her favorite hair stick that cannot be replaced snapped in half, or she had to cut down her favorite giant shade tree in the yard cause it died). It's just going to take time to get

[sugar&nutmeg]

Cherriezzzzz, some questions, and some things to consider as you work through these feelings...

How short is your friend's hair now (I don't think you said)?

Does she want to keep the layers, or will those also have to be grown out?

Is she already back in the 'grow long' mindset, with her fresh new hair (old dye gone--this is a BIG 'plus side' for the cut, right?), and taking care of it using her preferred natural haircare products?

Asked very gently...is her hair 'healthier' than yours now, despite being much shorter?

[Cherriezzzzz]

Maybe try to look at the bright side:
The hair color is gone that she didn't like anymore
She knows not to do it again because she knows how upset she'll be after
She can grow it back.

While this sounds painful to both of you, it's not something that can't be recovered from (for example, it's not like her favorite.. I don't know, like her favorite hair stick that cannot be replaced snapped in half, or she had to cut down her favorite giant shade tree in the yard cause it died). It's just going to take time to get

This is recovery. Thank you... I might share this with her too.

[Cherriezzzzz]

Cherriezzzzz, some questions, and some things to consider as you work through these feelings...

How short is your friend's hair now (I don't think you said)?

Does she want to keep the layers, or will those also have to be grown out?

Is she already back in the 'grow long' mindset, with her fresh new hair (old dye gone--this is a BIG 'plus side' for the cut, right?), and taking care of it using her preferred natural haircare products?

Asked very gently...is her hair 'healthier' than yours now, despite being much shorter?

Her hair is just touching her collar bone, from middway bsl and waist... (drop breaths lol) No she hates these layers. She preferred her old ones and now unsure how she'll proceed in that respect. I doubt she'll ever take to the hairdresser again. I'm a hairdresser (before I became a mom) SO I could do anything she needed. It's hard to find a long hair friendly stylist. She tried cutting her own hair... then ended up at a salon to "clean it up." The haircut itself is very well done, but it makes her look like a 15 year old lol which she's been trying to avoid all her life. (Crazy I know, I'd love her problem hehe!) It's very "girl next door" as opposed to the regal look she had with her long hair. She felt very beautiful... very much like a fairy tale maiden and I can concur. It really looked that good. It was frustrating at times, sure, but I think she grew impatient with having grown out bangs with other grown out layers. She attempted to blend them. (Makes me cringe to write that...) ended up with a rat tail I suppose? She's got great hair imo and I've seen lots of hair. Still using natural products, yes, plus her henna. Oh yes her hair is miles healthier then mine. That issue is you'd never be able to tell with mine. It's thick, wavy, gorgeous red hair lol! (Gift from my maternal grandmother!) So I'm not sure it'll console her, coming from me. She loves my hair as much as I love hers.

[spidermom]

I was going to write that you're being silly, then I remembered that I have an online friend who keeps going through this cycle of not liking her natural hair color, starting with henna, deciding the henna doesn't suit her, dying black to cover the henna, noticing that she looks like she's balding when her own natural hair color starts growing out under the black, and cutting very short to get rid of the dye, hating short hair .... repeat and repeat and repeat. The last time she did that (decided to henna) I cut off contact with her. So I do understand how one can become invested in what someone else does with their hair. Therefore, I'm really sorry that you lost your "hair-growing" buddy. You know good old LHC is always here to share hair issues.

[Cherriezzzzz]

I was going to write that you're being silly, then I remembered that I have an online friend who keeps going through this cycle of not liking her natural hair color, starting with henna, deciding the henna doesn't suit her, dying black to cover the henna, noticing that she looks like she's balding when her own natural hair color starts growing out under the black, and cutting very short to get rid of the dye, hating short hair .... repeat and repeat and repeat. The last time she did that (decided to henna) I cut off contact with her. So I do understand how one can become invested in what someone else does with their hair. Therefore, I'm really sorry that you lost your "hair-growing" buddy. You know good old LHC is always here to share hair issues.

This made me laugh. She and I ARE silly though. You wouldn't be the first one to say it. We have an oddly close friendship. Her mom used to say we were lesbians. Psh well can't say anything to that. How do you explain closeness? Invested in her hair, heck yes lol I'm invested in her EVERYTHING. When she hurts, I'm dying. My husband is exactly like her though... just instead big, muscley, testosterone filled man! And she married a guy just like me. We're blessed. We'd always wished we were lesbians as teens so we didn't have to crush on guys, get rejected, deal with dating... ugh don't miss those days.

[Cherriezzzzz]

I asked her why we started growing out our hair to begin with... she said it makes her feel more feminine. Such a great answer, i hate that, that, was taken away from her. She changed the subject after answering, but later on in the day she said she thinks she's back apl! (Sigh of relief!) She had low iron and had a really long time growing her hair until she started a supplement. It grows as fast as mine now! I happen to have high iron (12-15 while pregnant.) I don't know what it is when I'm not, but iron is often low in pregnant women. Nurses are says surprised mine is so high. So I hope that this time next year I can revisit this thread with pics of her LONGER hair! I'm praying she starts on LHC!