Overwhelming stress and excessive shedding—what can I do??

[vampyyri]

Hey guys, so I'm in a bit of a pinch of what to do. Some recent life events have had me seriously stressed out(as I'll explain below) and when I went to do my weekly wash, I had clumps of hair coming out from my scalp, at least 100+ each clump, which ended up being a fistful of hair.

*possible trigger warnings ahead*

What has you this stressed?
Really bad living situation. My SIL and her boyfriend are the cause. DH and I are living at my in-laws house while we bounce back financially. SIL/BF + their baby moved in about three months after we did. The problem is, SIL's BF is a raging textbook narcissist. I called him out on his BS when I was stuck in a car alone with him for over an hour for being racist, sexist, and entitled/holier than thou. This was back over the summer, and as suspected, he had a full fledged narc rage at me and told me, knowing I'm depressed, "you know what? Maybe you should just off yourself".

Right. So that messed me up for a few months. Fast forward to the day after US Thanksgiving.

I was having an IBS flare up and kept the other side of our bathroom door locked in case of emergency. I couldn't have anyone else in there unless I wanted to soil myself.

He comes home, goes to open the bathroom door, breaks the lock in another rage fit. Mind you, he and SIL have their own bathroom. He comes into our bedroom, screaming at the top of his lungs about "I'm going to make sure you never have a bathroom again" and screaming so loud that it hurt my ears. My husband stood up for me, because he wasn't going to let me be subject to his abuse knowing my past history. Then, as DH was retaliating, trying to reason with him, this guy punched him in the face. And also broke some parts of his computer/other pieces of our property.
Then when I stood up to intervene he threatened to hurt me even worse. I made DH call the cops, and he was arrested. SIL bailed him out of jail, and now he has to pay a $10K fine and take anger management classes. Also, FIL is giving them until the end of the year to leave because this isn't the first time this guy's narc rage has gotten him kicked out.

So I'm scared of living in my own place. I've been having close calls with anxiety/almost needing to go to the ER, my IBS is worse than ever, and I can't eat if they're in the house. It makes me flash back to when my narc dad used to get out of control like this, and my default coping mechanism is to hide. In my own home. I don't have a safe place to be as we just moved 100 miles away from home/friends.

In the meantime before they leave... what can I do about my hair falling out? Or is it too late/is the stress level too high? Should I start taking biotin just to hold onto what I can? Can I add something to my shampoo to reduce the shedding?

I know this is an awful lot of backstory for a common issue... but basically this stress is going to last until the end of the year. For Christmas, I don't want to have thinning hair because of some jerkwad.

TIL;DR: Bad living situation until the end of the year, my hair is falling out from stress.

[kitcatsmeow]

If it’s truly just stress related hair fall then the only thing that is going help is a change in your situation. I’ve been in a situation similar but not quite as bad. My advice is to avoid your sil’s bf as much as possible until they are gone. I know that’s hard living in the same house but I’d say spend all your time in your room....keep the doors locked if you must. Even if it means meals in your room, just avoid them at all costs. You can also try to leave the house when you know they will be there and run any errands or go for a walk around the mall if you’re feeling to confined. Hopefully they will be gone by th end of the month and you can relax a little.

[littlestarface]

This is so terrible, I grew up in a house like this I also lost so much hair during this time I mean it was coming out in clumps and my hair got so thin. I used to have to lock myself in the room with my kids to not have to deal with them, I hated living every single day of my life. The only thing that grew my hair was living far away and just letting the hair grow back, unfortunately when its stress related hairloss there's nothing that can help except to get away from the stress.

I'm sorry your going through this vampyyri life sucks.

[browneyedsusan]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I think the shedding is the least of your troubles right now.
Do you have a therapist? Are you taking steps toward financial independence? -- Try to work at something: online tutor, Shipt shopper, check a temp recruiter for something you can set your own hours for?

[Pouncequick]

Unfortunately I have experienced stress related shedding in bad living situations and I currently have a batch of shoulder length hair that's slowly marching to meet the length as a result. It got better for me when the stressors went away which is probably the last thing you want to hear. My hair was an escape and seeing clumps of it coming out felt like a bonafide tragedy that piled on to all of the other junk in my life. If there is any way at all for you to not focus on the hair loss during this time that would be beneficial as there really isn't much you can do sadly. What worked to keep my mind off the shedding was keeping my hair as healthy as possible and focusing on treatments for the length instead.

I hope everything gets better for your family and I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this.

[Doreen]

Until the stress goes away it's likely that the shed will continue. There's not much you can do to stop it. Some shampoos and treatments may make this claim but once your hair follicle has "decided" to enter the telogen phase due to the stress, the only next step for it to take is to fall out and it's only a matter of time. Biotin can help to give your follicles the materials they need for new growth but if you are so stressed that your follicles have decided to stall growth, it might not help much either. I had a big shed where I went from iii thickness to ii, and if it makes you feel any better, I was able to recover from the shed without any big chops. I really hope you're able to get out of your situation as soon as possible and I know that losing a lot of hair can just make things feel that much worse.

[aethyra]

This boyfriend of your SIL has Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder with an additional likelihood of Psychopathy. This disorder in my opinion, is Far more dangerous and unpredictable than the average textbook narcissist. These people are highly unoredictable and as you know, are extremely dangerous. Also, the behavior will escalate with Malignant Narcissists.. Please govern yourself with an abundance of caution. I understand your dilemma and the associated hair loss from the psychological trauma you are having forced upon you by this monster. I have been through this and am still dealing with this as well. I pray that this person will not be allowed back into the house as the therapy required is intensive and takes years to see rehabilitation, when possible. Regretfully, there is no cure and years of clinical therapy is required for this personality archetype. I cannot offer remedial advice as to hair treatments with respect to the hair loss. But it is crucial to eliminate the source of this trauma based stress entirely and immediately. Meditation and prana yoga will help you. This type of traumatic stress has caused me so much hair loss this year. Nightly camomile tea and St John's Wort herb capsules will allow you to relax. Foot massages with reflexology are valuable too. Prayer is also essential. Please be careful. I would literally beg your Father in Law to deny the monster access to the house. I think you need to get a restraining order.

You are beautiful, young lady. God Bless you and protect you.

[lapushka]

Can't your FIL kick him out? I mean let your SIL live there with the baby under the condition he stays gone for the time you are there. I would have a talk with your BF and ask him to possibly ask that of his father.

There is no reason you should be subjected to this.

As for your SIL... good luck to her. It must be even worse for her. :flower:
I mean... imagine! OMG.

[vampyyri]

If it’s truly just stress related hair fall then the only thing that is going help is a change in your situation. I’ve been in a situation similar but not quite as bad. My advice is to avoid your sil’s bf as much as possible until they are gone. I know that’s hard living in the same house but I’d say spend all your time in your room....keep the doors locked if you must. Even if it means meals in your room, just avoid them at all costs. You can also try to leave the house when you know they will be there and run any errands or go for a walk around the mall if you’re feeling to confined. Hopefully they will be gone by th end of the month and you can relax a little.

I've been avoiding him like the plague, I'm freaking terrified of this guy and make sure that our paths never properly cross... but I feel like the constant state of fear is what's doing me in. I've had so many health problems pop up over the past week, and now my hair is subject to it as well :( The end of the month can't come soon enough tbh


This is so terrible, I grew up in a house like this I also lost so much hair during this time I mean it was coming out in clumps and my hair got so thin. I used to have to lock myself in the room with my kids to not have to deal with them, I hated living every single day of my life. The only thing that grew my hair was living far away and just letting the hair grow back, unfortunately when its stress related hairloss there's nothing that can help except to get away from the stress.

I'm sorry your going through this vampyyri life sucks.

I feel ya, I'm always hiding or walking very quietly to avoid drawing attention to myself. It's like being a child again and it really isn't a good feeling. And of course my one vanity is subject to the stress... it sucks really.


I'm so sorry to hear that. I think the shedding is the least of your troubles right now.
Do you have a therapist? Are you taking steps toward financial independence? -- Try to work at something: online tutor, Shipt shopper, check a temp recruiter for something you can set your own hours for?

I don't have a therapist, but I plan on seeking one out once my work's health insurance kicks in next month.
We're both working, we're actually saving up money for a down payment on a house! I actually just got a raise two weeks ago too, so that was a nice boost in the right direction.
This was a temporary living situation to build up funds without astronomical rent costs hindering our progress.


Unfortunately I have experienced stress related shedding in bad living situations and I currently have a batch of shoulder length hair that's slowly marching to meet the length as a result. It got better for me when the stressors went away which is probably the last thing you want to hear. My hair was an escape and seeing clumps of it coming out felt like a bonafide tragedy that piled on to all of the other junk in my life. If there is any way at all for you to not focus on the hair loss during this time that would be beneficial as there really isn't much you can do sadly. What worked to keep my mind off the shedding was keeping my hair as healthy as possible and focusing on treatments for the length instead.

I hope everything gets better for your family and I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this.

I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad you're on the right path now! Maybe I need to hang around here more often and really get absorbed into taking care of my hair... the stress has sadly made me a bit lax on making sure the length was nice (thanks anxiety and depression combo) but I will definitely take this advice. Plus coming here to have an escape would be a good thing all around :p


Until the stress goes away it's likely that the shed will continue. There's not much you can do to stop it. Some shampoos and treatments may make this claim but once your hair follicle has "decided" to enter the telogen phase due to the stress, the only next step for it to take is to fall out and it's only a matter of time. Biotin can help to give your follicles the materials they need for new growth but if you are so stressed that your follicles have decided to stall growth, it might not help much either. I had a big shed where I went from iii thickness to ii, and if it makes you feel any better, I was able to recover from the shed without any big chops. I really hope you're able to get out of your situation as soon as possible and I know that losing a lot of hair can just make things feel that much worse.

I figured that... drat. It's really frustrating when your body goes against you, but what are you gonna do...
I just hope it doesn't get any worse over the next month.


This boyfriend of your SIL has Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder with an additional likelihood of Psychopathy. This disorder in my opinion, is Far more dangerous and unpredictable than the average textbook narcissist. These people are highly unoredictable and as you know, are extremely dangerous. Also, the behavior will escalate with Malignant Narcissists.. Please govern yourself with an abundance of caution. I understand your dilemma and the associated hair loss from the psychological trauma you are having forced upon you by this monster. I have been through this and am still dealing with this as well. I pray that this person will not be allowed back into the house as the therapy required is intensive and takes years to see rehabilitation, when possible. Regretfully, there is no cure and years of clinical therapy is required for this personality archetype. I cannot offer remedial advice as to hair treatments with respect to the hair loss. But it is crucial to eliminate the source of this trauma based stress entirely and immediately. Meditation and prana yoga will help you. This type of traumatic stress has caused me so much hair loss this year. Nightly camomile tea and St John's Wort herb capsules will allow you to relax. Foot massages with reflexology are valuable too. Prayer is also essential. Please be careful. I would literally beg your Father in Law to deny the monster access to the house. I think you need to get a restraining order.

You are beautiful, young lady. God Bless you and protect you.

Ah, so he's worse than I predicted... shocker. I thought he was like my narc dad, but he's a whole different breed... the bite your face off and leave you to die kind.
I do have chamomile tea, but the problem is it's in the kitchen where they like to hang out. So I have to be super cautious and wait for them to leave before going in there. Some days I just don't eat because they stay in there until 11 at night.

My DH opted out of the restraining order option to save his sister's feelings... and even so, she still hasn't spoken to him since the incident but is lying about apologizing to try and keep the peace... which there isn't. We nipped that lie right in the bud when I was talking to my MIL about the situation.

I do have L-Theanine I can take to calm down the anxiety a bit, maybe that's something I can try.


Can't your FIL kick him out? I mean let your SIL live there with the baby under the condition he stays gone for the time you are there. I would have a talk with your BF and ask him to possibly ask that of his father.

There is no reason you should be subjected to this.

As for your SIL... good luck to her. It must be even worse for her. :flower:
I mean... imagine! OMG.

FIL could, but it would only cause more drama... and my SIL is the Queen of drama. She was last time they were kicked out a year ago.

DH is trying to avoid that drama as well. She's really on a whole other level when it comes to protecting the abusive men she dates... like her ex-husband who was physical with her, she would make excuses. They got kicked out at one point too.

Problem is, no one cares what *I* want. It's all about the baby. They use the kid as leverage basically.

SIL created her own hell, what're you gonna do...

Edited to add:

This is already a stressful time of year for me as well. My mom who passed away's birthday is on xmas, so it's always a double whammy as it is. And I don't really have family to speak to other than my extended family on my mom's side... I haven't seen my immediate family since escaping my dad's similar abuse three years ago.

I've never had shedding like this in previous years, so this is really freaking me out along with everything else on top of it. Like a big stress sundae with stress sauce, stress cream and a stress cherry on top. I've never been this highly stressed in my life. This whole situation since summer has made me develop IBS, so I wonder if the IBS is also messing with my hair because I'm not absorbing nutrients... nothing stays in my system long enough.

So I also wonder if taking a multivitamin would help? Or I might be too far down the stress rabbit hole.

[Cate36]

I am no expert and battling my own hair issues also that this forum is helping with, but have suffered hair loss from stress... if you can't change your situation straight away, I would consider going to a hair loss specialist and getting on a treatment plan.. a trichologist if possible. They will help with the stress, get the shedding under control, and get you on a treatment plan that will at least stop the terror that comes from hair loss whilst you deal with the rest of the stuff...

[kitcatsmeow]

I've been avoiding him like the plague, I'm freaking terrified of this guy and make sure that our paths never properly cross... but I feel like the constant state of fear is what's doing me in. I've had so many health problems pop up over the past week, and now my hair is subject to it as well :( The end of the month can't come soon enough tbh



I feel ya, I'm always hiding or walking very quietly to avoid drawing attention to myself. It's like being a child again and it really isn't a good feeling. And of course my one vanity is subject to the stress... it sucks really.



I don't have a therapist, but I plan on seeking one out once my work's health insurance kicks in next month.
We're both working, we're actually saving up money for a down payment on a house! I actually just got a raise two weeks ago too, so that was a nice boost in the right direction.
This was a temporary living situation to build up funds without astronomical rent costs hindering our progress.



I'm sorry to hear this, but I'm glad you're on the right path now! Maybe I need to hang around here more often and really get absorbed into taking care of my hair... the stress has sadly made me a bit lax on making sure the length was nice (thanks anxiety and depression combo) but I will definitely take this advice. Plus coming here to have an escape would be a good thing all around :p



I figured that... drat. It's really frustrating when your body goes against you, but what are you gonna do...
I just hope it doesn't get any worse over the next month.



Ah, so he's worse than I predicted... shocker. I thought he was like my narc dad, but he's a whole different breed... the bite your face off and leave you to die kind.
I do have chamomile tea, but the problem is it's in the kitchen where they like to hang out. So I have to be super cautious and wait for them to leave before going in there. Some days I just don't eat because they stay in there until 11 at night.

My DH opted out of the restraining order option to save his sister's feelings... and even so, she still hasn't spoken to him since the incident but is lying about apologizing to try and keep the peace... which there isn't. We nipped that lie right in the bud when I was talking to my MIL about the situation.

I do have L-Theanine I can take to calm down the anxiety a bit, maybe that's something I can try.



FIL could, but it would only cause more drama... and my SIL is the Queen of drama. She was last time they were kicked out a year ago.

DH is trying to avoid that drama as well. She's really on a whole other level when it comes to protecting the abusive men she dates... like her ex-husband who was physical with her, she would make excuses. They got kicked out at one point too.

Problem is, no one cares what *I* want. It's all about the baby. They use the kid as leverage basically.

SIL created her own hell, what're you gonna do...

Edited to add:

This is already a stressful time of year for me as well. My mom who passed away's birthday is on xmas, so it's always a double whammy as it is. And I don't really have family to speak to other than my extended family on my mom's side... I haven't seen my immediate family since escaping my dad's similar abuse three years ago.

I've never had shedding like this in previous years, so this is really freaking me out along with everything else on top of it. Like a big stress sundae with stress sauce, stress cream and a stress cherry on top. I've never been this highly stressed in my life. This whole situation since summer has made me develop IBS, so I wonder if the IBS is also messing with my hair because I'm not absorbing nutrients... nothing stays in my system long enough.

So I also wonder if taking a multivitamin would help? Or I might be too far down the stress rabbit hole.


Sending some hugs to you. You’re dealing with a lot! I have a multitude of health problems including crohns so I understand your IBD all too well. Are you properly diagnosed? Just watch for signs it’s not IBD. Either way, I believe there are some meds to help when you flare aobmaybe you could see your GI about that. I think with IBS you shouldnsrill absorb nutrients just maybe not quite as well. With IBD, our intestines are very damaged and depending on the amount of unhealthy part, it can be difficult to absorb. Vitamins might help a bit but work on getting your IBS under control. I’m sure you know about proper diet while you’re flaring so just eat a low residue diet (or whatever works best for you.) I also find rescue remedy works very well for when I get anxiety attacks so maybe you could try that? It’s all natural homeopathic.

[littlestarface]

You should take vitamins just cuz it would be healthier for you if you need them anyway.

[pailin]

That sounds awful Vampyrri, I'm so sorry to hear this.
I agree that a multivitamin isn't a bad idea. At worst, you might not need it, but it won't hurt. However, if you're under a lot of stress-especially if you're avoiding the kitchen- it's entirely possible you're not eating the best diet. I hope you can get out of this situation soon, and the stress level down.

[Joules]

Stress-related hairloss goes away on its own within 3-6 months. During stress follicles go into telogen phase prematurely and fall out after 2 or 3 months, so the hair that's falling out is already long dead and there's nothing you can do about it. Sorry. It will grow back though! The best thing would be to take care of yourself, like it's already been said, practice some yoga, take multivitamins (they would strengthen your nervous system, it always helps me deal with stress better), hoard some camomile tea in your bedroom so that you don't have to face them in the kitchen :wink: I hope things get better for you sooner than in a month! :flower:


My DH opted out of the restraining order option to save his sister's feelings... and even so, she still hasn't spoken to him since the incident but is lying about apologizing to try and keep the peace... which there isn't. We nipped that lie right in the bud when I was talking to my MIL about the situation.

Geez! Is he joking?? His sister needs saving, to hell with her feelings! She has to get away from him just as much as you do, she's probably trapped by love. I know what these people can do, they must to be isolated from society IMO.

[Lady Stardust]

I’m really sorry to hear what going through.

Is a short term let a possibility, just to get you to the end of the year? I know you’re saving money, and in a rational world you shouldn’t have to consider this kind of option, but it would give you instant relief. Are there any Air B&B places nearby for example?

Looking back at times where I made myself ill over living in unhappy situations...I wish I’d just left. I remember the doctor telling me remove myself from the cause of the stress, but I didn’t think I could (or should, I don’t know which).

Doctors here (UK) sometimes recommend peppermint oil for IBS and digestive issues. It could be worth a try?

Also, hugs :grouphug: I know how it feels to miss your mum. Birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries and such are really hard :blossom:

[lapushka]

FIL could, but it would only cause more drama... and my SIL is the Queen of drama. She was last time they were kicked out a year ago.

DH is trying to avoid that drama as well. She's really on a whole other level when it comes to protecting the abusive men she dates... like her ex-husband who was physical with her, she would make excuses. They got kicked out at one point too.

Problem is, no one cares what *I* want. It's all about the baby. They use the kid as leverage basically.

SIL created her own hell, what're you gonna do...

Edited to add:

This is already a stressful time of year for me as well. My mom who passed away's birthday is on xmas, so it's always a double whammy as it is. And I don't really have family to speak to other than my extended family on my mom's side... I haven't seen my immediate family since escaping my dad's similar abuse three years ago.

I've never had shedding like this in previous years, so this is really freaking me out along with everything else on top of it. Like a big stress sundae with stress sauce, stress cream and a stress cherry on top. I've never been this highly stressed in my life. This whole situation since summer has made me develop IBS, so I wonder if the IBS is also messing with my hair because I'm not absorbing nutrients... nothing stays in my system long enough.

So I also wonder if taking a multivitamin would help? Or I might be too far down the stress rabbit hole.

I would talk to the doctor about that, TBH. IBS is difficult enough to deal with. I can't answer that for you. :flower:

I would still urge your FIL to kick him out, if SIL wants to be dramatic, just let her do it, it beats dealing with this guy for you.

Hope you can move out of there somehow!
That would be the best idea!

[browneyedsusan]

I'm glad you're able to work. Sometimes that level of anxiety makes it almost impossible to function normally. If your work environment is stable, it provides some grounding.

You've got to get out of there ASAP. This guy is bad news.

You are a smart girl. Be careful. Preserve yourself. The hair will come back with time.:blossom:

[elsiedeluxe]

This sounds like a really dangerous situation, and I think it's best not to provoke him in any way. He's way beyond toxic, and asking your FIL to kick him out will only exacerbate the situation. This guy will definitely not stay away, so unless he's locked up, kicking him out will only make things worse.

I have some experience with people like this, and I have a lot of experience with extreme stress/anxiety. You definitely need a therapist, stat. This is an emergency and there may be some kind of short term counseling support available through your job. I've found meditation and ritual to be protective, so that I can visualze a safe space around myself. You are creating a safer space, whether by staying out of the kitchen or staying in your room, or whatever it takes to not attract his attention. You could reframe those behaviors as self-protective rather than avoidant, which might help a tiny bit. I've found acupuncture to be helpful for calming the stress response in my body, but as others have said, there's really no actual solution besides getting away, away, away, away. Get out of that situation as fast as you can.

As for your hair loss, a reframing might help here as well. You could see it as your body's way of taking care of you. Your body knows it can't afford to put energy into hair right now, because there is so much work to be done just mitigating the effects of the stress on essential functions of your body. Your GI flare is part of that, right? Your body knows you can get along without your hair, but you can't get along without a functioning GI tract. Acupuncture also cured a year-long bout with IBS for me about 25 years ago, and it has rarely flared since.

Acupuncture has been a huge gift to me over the course of my adult life. Very, very healing. If the needles freak you out, you should know that they are tiny, much much skinnier than the finest sewing needles, and that most of the time most people can't even feel them. Acupuncture treatments for me have offered almost instant relief to extreme stress, multiple times over the course of my life.

I hope you will contnue updating this thread. I know I'll be thinking about you every day until this resolves.

[lapushka]

elsiedeluxe, I strongly disagree with the approach of: "let the guy stay and go see a therapist to deal with the situation". Yes a therapist might seem productive and I am not against that, but it does seem a bit like the world in reverse to me.

I am strongly in favor of getting *rid* of this guy, and if he won't stay away there are always restraining orders; if he breaks them, he's the one in violation and he will go to jail, and good riddance should that happen.

I think something needs to be done, and it is attacking the "root cause" what needs to happen, IMMHO.

ETA
You would think that as a sister, seeing your brother being punched by your BF would get you to throw the guy out. I mean that is crossing a line, but obviously SIL doesn't care what BF does. :rolleyes:

[elsiedeluxe]

elsiedeluxe, I strongly disagree with the approach of: "let the guy stay and go see a therapist to deal with the situation". Yes a therapist might seem productive and I am not against that, but it does seem a bit like the world in reverse to me.

I am strongly in favor of getting *rid* of this guy, and if he won't stay away there are always restraining orders; if he breaks them, he's the one in violation and he will go to jail, and good riddance should that happen.

I think something needs to be done, and it is attacking the "root cause" what needs to happen, IMMHO.

ETA
You would think that as a sister, seeing your brother being punched by your BF would get you to throw the guy out. I mean that is crossing a line, but obviously SIL doesn't care what BF does. :rolleyes:

Hi Lapushka, perhaps restraining orders are more effective where you are than they can be in the US. (Are there a lot of guns in Belgium? There are guns here, so many guns. The US is obsessed with guns). I'd be all in favor of kicking him out if I thought it would work, if I thought he would respect it, if I thought the system would actually protect the family from this monster. But I don't. I agree that this is the world in reverse; my position is that this person is seriously, deeply mentally ill, and that dealing with such a person is fundamentally different from dealing with a healthy person. He is not thinking clearly and he will not conduct himself predictably. I think the family is in danger, and that a restraining order will do next to nothing to protect them.

[lapushka]

Hi Lapushka, perhaps restraining orders are more effective where you are than they can be in the US. (Are there a lot of guns in Belgium? There are guns here, so many guns. The US is obsessed with guns). I'd be all in favor of kicking him out if I thought it would work, if I thought he would respect it, if I thought the system would actually protect the family from this monster. But I don't. I agree that this is the world in reverse; my position is that this person is seriously, deeply mentally ill, and that dealing with such a person is fundamentally different from dealing with a healthy person. He is not thinking clearly and he will not conduct himself predictably. I think the family is in danger, and that a restraining order will do next to nothing to protect them.

Only hobbyists / sport shooters can get licenses for guns here (I believe you have to belong to a hobby club for it).

Yes, you have a point, I see what you mean. But I don't think the best decisions come out of fear; at some point you have to say "enough is enough" and take a stand (I know lots of debris in the process usually). But being careful and fearful in your "own" place is IMMHO not the best way to go about things. That's just my take on it, I guess. I don't think OP should go out of her way to accommodate this idiot! And an "idiot" he is, IMO. Doing that to his GF, baby even... shameful!

[littlestarface]

You guys dont add to her stress about this or that. She really cant do anything right now since its not her house sadly, she has no choice.

[aethyra]

elsiedeluxe, I strongly disagree with the approach of: "let the guy stay and go see a therapist to deal with the situation". Yes a therapist might seem productive and I am not against that, but it does seem a bit like the world in reverse to me.

I am strongly in favor of getting *rid* of this guy, and if he won't stay away there are always restraining orders; if he breaks them, he's the one in violation and he will go to jail, and good riddance should that happen.

I think something needs to be done, and it is attacking the "root cause" what needs to happen, IMMHO.

ETA
You would think that as a sister, seeing your brother being punched by your BF would get you to throw the guy out. I mean that is crossing a line, but obviously SIL doesn't care what BF does. :rolleyes:
This!! This!!! This!!!! But after reading her new posts,Vampyri has zero support structure in this Hellhouse. She needs to leave. Asap!!

Vampyri: I obviously dont know this guy with the violent criminal behavior. I could certainly be wrong about him. I am merely judging by my own experience. But if this guy has household support, then this is a toxic environment for you. Please be safe!

[aethyra]

You guys dont add to her stress about this or that. She really cant do anything right now since its not her house sadly, she has no choice.

I respectfully disagree. We all have choices.

[Jo Ann]

Vampyyri, I so feel for you! BTDT. Personally, I'm surprised that, after the altercation with your DH, DYFS (Division of Family and Youth Services) didn't get involved, if only for the sake of your niece/nephew, but that's me.

The best and most ideal thing would be for you and DH to move out, then get a restraining order on SIL's *shem!* significant other. I would also call DYFS and leave a message about that cretin (aka "drop a dime"--and it can be done anonymously), because if he's that volatile and violent toward your DH, I can only imagine what he's like with your SIL.

I'm not sure where in NJ you are, but you might be able to find someplace relatively cheap this time of year--seasonal rentals are probably comparatively ridiculously low-priced this time of year (I grew up in the old Jersey Shore area--Asbury Park/Belmar area) and you should be able to find something within your budget. I would also start the House Hunt and try to find something now and refinance later.

A support group might also help you out now--it would get you out of the house, you'd be with others that have been in the same or similar situation, and you can find ways that can help you at least cope with the situation you are now in. Best part--support groups are FREE and your Yellow Pages or local hospital should be able to put you in touch with a few that can suit your needs.

Hugs and prayers are being sent your way! May an opportunity (or three) come your way soon! :flower:

[vampyyri]

This sounds like a really dangerous situation, and I think it's best not to provoke him in any way. He's way beyond toxic, and asking your FIL to kick him out will only exacerbate the situation. This guy will definitely not stay away, so unless he's locked up, kicking him out will only make things worse.

I have some experience with people like this, and I have a lot of experience with extreme stress/anxiety. You definitely need a therapist, stat. This is an emergency and there may be some kind of short term counseling support available through your job. I've found meditation and ritual to be protective, so that I can visualze a safe space around myself. You are creating a safer space, whether by staying out of the kitchen or staying in your room, or whatever it takes to not attract his attention. You could reframe those behaviors as self-protective rather than avoidant, which might help a tiny bit. I've found acupuncture to be helpful for calming the stress response in my body, but as others have said, there's really no actual solution besides getting away, away, away, away. Get out of that situation as fast as you can.

As for your hair loss, a reframing might help here as well. You could see it as your body's way of taking care of you. Your body knows it can't afford to put energy into hair right now, because there is so much work to be done just mitigating the effects of the stress on essential functions of your body. Your GI flare is part of that, right? Your body knows you can get along without your hair, but you can't get along without a functioning GI tract. Acupuncture also cured a year-long bout with IBS for me about 25 years ago, and it has rarely flared since.

Acupuncture has been a huge gift to me over the course of my adult life. Very, very healing. If the needles freak you out, you should know that they are tiny, much much skinnier than the finest sewing needles, and that most of the time most people can't even feel them. Acupuncture treatments for me have offered almost instant relief to extreme stress, multiple times over the course of my life.

I hope you will contnue updating this thread. I know I'll be thinking about you every day until this resolves.

I think you're right... with my GI tract going haywire, my hair has become a lower priority on the list of things to maintain... since digestion takes up about 75% of the body's energy, it leaves me really wiped out and stressed as it is... and with everything on top of it... oof.

I think I will ask my supervisor about health care benefits come January... because until then I'm still on government health care from being below the poverty line for so long earlier this year, and it doesn't cover specialists really.


Hi Lapushka, perhaps restraining orders are more effective where you are than they can be in the US. (Are there a lot of guns in Belgium? There are guns here, so many guns. The US is obsessed with guns). I'd be all in favor of kicking him out if I thought it would work, if I thought he would respect it, if I thought the system would actually protect the family from this monster. But I don't. I agree that this is the world in reverse; my position is that this person is seriously, deeply mentally ill, and that dealing with such a person is fundamentally different from dealing with a healthy person. He is not thinking clearly and he will not conduct himself predictably. I think the family is in danger, and that a restraining order will do next to nothing to protect them.


Only hobbyists / sport shooters can get licenses for guns here (I believe you have to belong to a hobby club for it).

Yes, you have a point, I see what you mean. But I don't think the best decisions come out of fear; at some point you have to say "enough is enough" and take a stand (I know lots of debris in the process usually). But being careful and fearful in your "own" place is IMMHO not the best way to go about things. That's just my take on it, I guess. I don't think OP should go out of her way to accommodate this idiot! And an "idiot" he is, IMO. Doing that to his GF, baby even... shameful!

Yeah sadly... it would most likely be too late to follow up with a restraining order at this point unless he acted up again. The police never came to me, weirdly enough... I was in our room cowering, and a cop came to the door that we're by outside and asked me to unlock it/let him in... but I told him I didn't feel safe enough to do so. But no follow-up with me at all since I was sitting in the room trying not to lose it. I find that terribly odd that they saw someone going through something and didn't even do a wellness check. The police were more interested in DH and my SIL's BF since that was the altercation at hand.


You guys dont add to her stress about this or that. She really cant do anything right now since its not her house sadly, she has no choice.

It's not stressing me out more per say, it's giving me some perspective about how healthy minded people outside of the situation think... it is a bit daunting with some of the suggestions, but I'd take that over listening to the people I live with and their excuses. I feel much less alone.


This!! This!!! This!!!! But after reading her new posts,Vampyri has zero support structure in this Hellhouse. She needs to leave. Asap!!

Vampyri: I obviously dont know this guy with the violent criminal behavior. I could certainly be wrong about him. I am merely judging by my own experience. But if this guy has household support, then this is a toxic environment for you. Please be safe!

Nah, you're pretty much right on the money with him tbh... but I don't want to rush out when the end is so near in sight. My MIL and FIL love me to bits, but they're dealing with their daughter/their grandkid as well and they're trying their best to keep the peace. Them giving the end of the year deadline was enough for me to at least have something to look forward to... I don't want to change my life plans to suit others, I have a dream of owning a house and I don't want some jerkwads changing that.


Vampyyri, I so feel for you! BTDT. Personally, I'm surprised that, after the altercation with your DH, DYFS (Division of Family and Youth Services) didn't get involved, if only for the sake of your niece/nephew, but that's me.

The best and most ideal thing would be for you and DH to move out, then get a restraining order on SIL's *shem!* significant other. I would also call DYFS and leave a message about that cretin (aka "drop a dime"--and it can be done anonymously), because if he's that volatile and violent toward your DH, I can only imagine what he's like with your SIL.

I'm not sure where in NJ you are, but you might be able to find someplace relatively cheap this time of year--seasonal rentals are probably comparatively ridiculously low-priced this time of year (I grew up in the old Jersey Shore area--Asbury Park/Belmar area) and you should be able to find something within your budget. I would also start the House Hunt and try to find something now and refinance later.

A support group might also help you out now--it would get you out of the house, you'd be with others that have been in the same orr similar situation, and you can find ways that can help you at least cope with the situation you are now in. Best part--support groups are FREE and your Yellow Pages or local hospital should be able to put you in touch with a few that can suit your needs.

Hugs and prayers are being sent your way! May an opportunity (or three) come your way soon! :flower:

I'm actually very close to Seaside Heights and have reached out about housing here in the meantime. It is a lot cheaper than the rent we're paying here, so that was my first line of business before we actually make the final leap in a rent to own/mortgage route for a house. I wanted to take time being here to have my credit bounce back enough in order to do so... but it seems there's a bit of a blockage in the road... (such is my life, I have really bad luck)

There is a depression support group right down the road, but I'm unsure if going to such a thing with this much baggage would be frowned upon or not... It's totally free, like an AA meeting but for depression.

[vampyyri]

Also, to the mods: if this is getting too far off topic from the original concern, feel free to move the thread. I'm still looking for more opinions on what I can do for the hair loss situation but if it doesn't fit here anymore, do the thing!

[Jo Ann]

...There is a depression support group right down the road, but I'm unsure if going to such a thing with this much baggage would be frowned upon or not... It's totally free, like an AA meeting but for depression.

Seaside is a quaint town--I have a cousin who lives in South Toms River! Small world, isn't it :p

Anyway, it won't be frowned upon, Vampyyri. There's clinical depression and there's situational depression--and I've suffered from both. There was a group that met a few blocks from Ocean County Mall--I was going to that one after my boyfriend passed away back in 2004, before I moved back to Florida, and I had PLENTY of "baggage." Personally, I'd give your support group, say, about a month's try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Best of luck to you!

[akurah]

Also, to the mods: if this is getting too far off topic from the original concern, feel free to move the thread. I'm still looking for more opinions on what I can do for the hair loss situation but if it doesn't fit here anymore, do the thing!

For your safety, I would seriously consider asking them to move this thread to a more secured and locked down forum. This thread is visible not logged in, and I don't trust your SIL BF. Even people who aren't innately tech savvy can still surprise you.

If he does act out again, please get a restraining order.

[vampyyri]

Seaside is a quaint town--I have a cousin who lives in South Toms River! Small world, isn't it :p

Anyway, it won't be frowned upon, Vampyyri. There's clinical depression and there's situational depression--and I've suffered from both. There was a group that met a few blocks from Ocean County Mall--I was going to that one after my boyfriend passed away back in 2004, before I moved back to Florida, and I had PLENTY of "baggage." Personally, I'd give your support group, say, about a month's try. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Best of luck to you!

I pass the Ocean County Mall every day on my way home from work... small world indeed!
I suppose it's worth a shot to at least try it once and see if it helps


For your safety, I would seriously consider asking them to move this thread to a more secured and locked down forum. This thread is visible not logged in, and I don't trust your SIL BF. Even people who aren't innately tech savvy can still surprise you.

If he does act out again, please get a restraining order.

I'm not worried about him finding this, my computer at home is password protected. Also only DH knows that I use this site at all, and I use a different username here than I do anywhere else on the internet :p

And of course, if this happens again within the span of this month, I'm sure a restraining order will be filed no questions asked.

~~

I've been nervous to brush my hair since the incident, so... hopefully my hair is hanging on up there. I'll have to brush it eventually I suppose...

[spidermom]

OMG; I'm really sorry about the SIL-BF. He should be in jail! I think the best course for you is to come up with a strategy to reduce your stress. I don't know what form that will take for you. Yoga helps me, also hot baths.

[elsiedeluxe]

Good morning, happy to hear from you! I'm off to teach a class, but I just want to say, quickly: anxiety and depression are best friends. One never goes anywhere without the other. Having suffered from both all my life, I was surprised when, at the age of 50, my prescriber told me this. They are essentially the same dysfunction, even though they feel different. So yeah, I think the people down at the depression support group would be well-acquainted with what you're going through. Take care of yourself.

Seaside! Yay, Seaside! I grew up going there as a kid, and I still go back from time to time. Here's to you finding a great alternative place to recover, soon.

[spidermom]

On 2nd thought, I think the best strategy is to get out of there. You might be able to find someone who will rent a room or a home-sharing situation that isn't too expensive. Sometimes saving money just isn't worth it. I don't think your inlaws are going to be able to kick this guy out until he's good and ready to leave.

[lapushka]

For your safety, I would seriously consider asking them to move this thread to a more secured and locked down forum. This thread is visible not logged in, and I don't trust your SIL BF. Even people who aren't innately tech savvy can still surprise you.

If he does act out again, please get a restraining order.

Yes, definitely have this reported and put in the message to put it in the friendship forum.

And of course we would react more to the situation at hand (it's bad enough) than the hair loss, V., that's just the nature of things, I think. :flower: I'm sorry, if you want us to not react to it further, I will keep that promise. Stay safe, though!

[littlestarface]

Is he staying away from you and you can use your own bathroom now vampyyrii? I hope its at least lightened up abit. God man I remember living through that hell and it just tears me up hearing you go through this,I hate bad luck, I hate money problems man.

Are you giving attention to your hair? like oiling or squish to condish anymore?

[vampyyri]

For everyone saying that I should leave, that's easier said than done, obviously... and they have a hard deadline from my FIL of being removed from the household by the end of the month, so leaving myself wouldn't make sense... though immediately after the situation I did email a few places to rent from, but this was before FIL consoled DH and I that we're free to stay, and that he wants them out since he's done walking on eggshells around them. It was over for them the moment that punch was thrown.


Is he staying away from you and you can use your own bathroom now vampyyrii? I hope its at least lightened up abit. God man I remember living through that hell and it just tears me up hearing you go through this,I hate bad luck, I hate money problems man.

Are you giving attention to your hair? like oiling or squish to condish anymore?

He is keeping his distance, and we're keeping ours... so pretty effectively I can stay away from him.
No one else has used our bathroom since the incident, mainly for the fact that though we switched the doorknobs out, the locking mechanism doesn't work correctly because the hole in the door frame itself got busted.

We don't really have money problems right now, we paid off a lot of stuff two months ago and we're actually able to have savings for the first time in three years... but I do have incredibly bad luck with these types of people in my life, he's definitely not the first.

I've been following the same routine as per usual, WCC, LOC so my hair itself is still in a good state... but it just doesn't want to hang out on my head as much now :(

[littlestarface]

For everyone saying that I should leave, that's easier said than done, obviously... and they have a hard deadline from my FIL of being removed from the household by the end of the month, so leaving myself wouldn't make sense... though immediately after the situation I did email a few places to rent from, but this was before FIL consoled DH and I that we're free to stay, and that he wants them out since he's done walking on eggshells around them. It was over for them the moment that punch was thrown.



He is keeping his distance, and we're keeping ours... so pretty effectively I can stay away from him.
No one else has used our bathroom since the incident, mainly for the fact that though we switched the doorknobs out, the locking mechanism doesn't work correctly because the hole in the door frame itself got busted.

We don't really have money problems right now, we paid off a lot of stuff two months ago and we're actually able to have savings for the first time in three years... but I do have incredibly bad luck with these types of people in my life, he's definitely not the first.

I've been following the same routine as per usual, WCC, LOC so my hair itself is still in a good state... but it just doesn't want to hang out on my head as much now :(

Thats good at least then and i';m glad your picking back up I hope it stays that way for you. Hopefully this jerk will be out soon and you can have more peace of mind V.

And yes keep your hair healthy no matter how many is left you don't want dry tattered hair to deal with too, that's another stress.