The Worst hair conversation

[amiraaah]

yesterday my bestie came to visit me in my home.we started talking about our hairs.she was really rude to the point that I got really mad.i may be a drama queen but i was really offended.she made fun of everything about my hair.
the conversation:
I:you know I cut my hair,right?
she:yeah..I wanted to ask you before about what caused that “drop” in your hair.i remember you used to have full hair but now your hair is thin.(she literally said drop)
I:it’s because of using heat a lot.
she: so what?I use heat a lot too since I was just a little kid.
I:yeah but your strands are coarse and also your hair is always at collarbone length.whenever your ends get damaged you cut them.my hair is fine and I always have it to my waist or even longer.

Because I was really mad I told her about LHC,how my hair is improved because of taking good care of it.I showed her my hair journey pictures I posted here.she saw the compliments i got from you(thanks for being supportive❤️).she said:all of the comments are mentioning your hair being thick and that you have a great volume,they must have super thin hair then for thinking that you hair is thick!!!!!!!in my head;i was like OMG stop doing this why are you so mean to me??
but I said:most of them have thick hair and having thin hair doesn’t mean that your hair is not beautiful.
she:yeah I want to measure my hair thickness but i don’t know how?
i:I can measure it for you if you want.
she:what’s yours?
i:about 9 cm and i’m Expecting a little bit more because of my fringe.
i measured it for her(she does have thick hair)
i:it’s exactly 10 and half.
she:impossible,how your have is 9 and you still have a fringe while mine is only 10 and half.take a picture while you measure.i was like whaaaaaaat you think i’m Not giving you the right measurement :laugh:
i took a picture and Again it was 10 and half.
she Said:yeah but if we measured it before I am sure this wouldn’t be the result.
i said:it’s your hair and you know better.

she went on making fun of my hair texture;
she:my relative gave birth to two girls.
i:congratulations !how do they look?
she:yeah they are beautiful,one has the same curl pattern as you but her hair is smooth(she means that mine is rough)and the other has curly hair and it is also rough.

what do you think guys?is she trying to make me feel bad?or maybe she wants me to know the truth?or even it’s how she feels about my hair?

*sorry for the long post
love you all:smooch:

[xoAshley]

That was wicked rude. You said she always keeps her hair at CBL length, maybe she's just envious and it comes out as rude and condescending. Either way, don't listen to her. Who cares what she thinks. :)

[SwanFeathers]

Ummmm... Does she have some redeeming qualities? I don't mean to be mean, but I would edit that negatively right out of my life.

[Milady_DeWinter]

Sounds like a witch to me. With my excuses to witches :shrug:

[VenusianMane]

That really sounded rude to me
But we don't know her like you do, so it's up to you if you want to call her out on this or just leave it at that

But it's always nice to assert yourself and face potentially tricky conversations like that, specially if you avoid them to your own detriment or your relationships detriment just because you don't want trouble (of course I have no idea of that's the case, I'm sorry if I'm leaning too much into this, I'm just saying that because it's something I struggle with and I thought I'd share), since it would be contributing to your friendship, to let her know she hurt you, for her to treat you better and clearing things up, finding out if there's more to this, why was she acting like that and such, what she really meant by all this (since you're not sure) and why she was saying it like that

[JennGalt]

Does she treat you like this often? From the conversation you posted she doesn’t really sound like a friend, just a rude acquaintance.

[lapushka]

*sorry for the long post
love you all:smooch:

She sounds like a temperamental child, sorry, but she does.

I would stop discussing hair with anyone but here, TBH. :flower:

And I would not give her access to your pages here at all!

[MusicalSpoons]

Oh, for goodness' sake! Why do people think it's okay to be so rude?! That sounds like a thoroughly horrible conversation and it just baffles me why she felt the need to be so unkind to you. You asked for opinions so I would have to say yes, absolutely she's trying to make you feel bad. Please don't, though - well, maybe seeing your best friend be so horrible would make you feel bad, but you have no reason to feel bad about your hair. It's gorgeous, and as you know hair does not have to fit stupid definitions of 'ideal' to be beautiful! I love your texture, and I imagine having slightly rougher-feeling hair makes it easier to stay put in different styles. Plus you should be super proud of your progress.

Also, I don't know how she thought you could fake the measurement despite photographic proof - how the heck would you make the tape measure show smaller than reality? As for your hair, 9cm is the upper end of average and there are a lot of members here who would absolutely love to have that much hair anyway. I'm glad you told her that thin hair can be beautiful though, because that's something more people need to learn.

Well done for sticking up for yourself; I'm sorry you had to experience that conversation but you did your best to educate her and whether she takes any notice is up to her. She could be jealous, or she could genuinely think that beautiful hair can only be certain types - either way, she was out of line and you'd do well to ignore her mean comments :flower:

[Ylva]

Ummmm... Does she have some redeeming qualities? I don't mean to be mean, but I would edit that negatively right out of my life.

This is what I thought, as well.

How she spoke and what she said was definitely rude and unnecessary. To me it sounds like jealousy, especially how she constantly wanted to compare your hair to hers and others', but I don't know. Sounds like a really immature person, based on this post. Your hair is simply beautiful, amiraaah.

[pailin]

That's rude, toxic behavior on her part, and either intentionally hurtful or a sign of strong insecurity. If this is not highly unusual behavior, I'd try to be no closer than necessary to her. None of us need to be surrounded by that attitude.

[akurah]

Are you sure she’s your friend? I wouldn’t talk like that to someone I wanted to be friends with. She sounds like a horrible person

[spidermom]

The very nicest thing I can say is "wow - she's really thoughtless, isn't she?"

[Obsidian]

Curious, what condition was your hair in when she though it was thick? Any chance it was damaged or maybe you had layers? Maybe she just doesn't understand what healthy curly hair should look like and can't explain the difference she is seeing.

I really don't understand why people always think unpleasant comments are from jealousy, that just doesn't make sense to me. I've never been nasty to someone I was jealous of or had someone treat me badly from jealousy.

[shaluwm_agape]

I had a similar conversation this week about hair in the sense that she was beyond rude.
Don't discuss hair with her anymore she is probably insecure and using this as an outlet and honestly around this friend wear you hair up or in a hat. If she can say it once she can say it again. If you don't want to deal don't give her a reason

[blackgothicdoll]

Bestie? You sure? Even if we're not talking about hair, that doesn't sound like a good friend. If you want to be insulted I'm sure you can find any willing random stranger; you don't need someone close to you to treat you like that.

[Milkchocolate]

“Friends” who point out flaws are the worst. You must be so patient, because I would have immediately pointed out all of her insecurities to fire back and show her how it feels lol ^_* But yeah, if I were you I’d just express how I feel and ask her not to do that again. If she continues knowing that her mean comments hurt you, then I’m not so sure Id be friends anymore haha.

[paulownia]

Seriously? I've seen your hair in Monthly Length Photo Project thread. To call this mane ''thin'' means you need to have some problems with your eyesight:D.
I would love 9 cm in ponytail - I have only 6. Don't even get into hair conversations with this person. It's clearly just envy.

[Astrid Carlisle]

There are friends that can be actually honest and tell you, hey your hair is very dry, stop bleaching/straightening etc . And that's out of concern, I had friends say that years ago when I overprocessed my hair, and while I didn't want to admit it is over dried and I need to stop, I knew that they are absolutely right and just don't want me to ruin my hair. But this is crossing the line and being mean and rude. To proceed to compare the hair of the children and say one is smooth, and other one is /viewed in a negative light/ - that's actually being mean on purpose. And also what she said about thickness etc. She actually wanted to make you feel bad about your hair. I wouldn't even explain to her what you did for your hair and how it's better etc, because you don't need to explain/excuse yourself or try to prove anything to people who are being mean like this. She's being bitchy and on purpose tried to upset you (and she probably knows how much your hair means to you). I'm not you, but I would double think about being friends with her or how closely to let her be your friend..

[Stray_mind]

I think she is just ignorant as are Most people who grow up on hair product commercials and stylist "advises"....

If she is really your friend, i think you should not be afraid to tell her that her comments are hurting you.
People have very skewed image on what Thick hair looks like, i know, because i used to be one of those people, so i guess compared to that image both your and my hair is thin, hahaha.

[illicitlizard]

Does she treat you like this often? From the conversation you posted she doesn’t really sound like a friend, just a rude acquaintance.


...If she is really your friend, i think you should not be afraid to tell her that her comments are hurting you.....

That's what I was thinking, sounds very insensitive of your friend to put down your hair like that. Even if she didn't mean it maliciously it's still extremely rude. I would definitely let her know that her words hurt you because to be honest I wouldn't want a close friend to stand by those kinds of comments, and if I'd offended one of my close friends I'd want them to tell me.
Also your hair is lovely, omg!

[spitfire511]

Ummmm... Does she have some redeeming qualities? I don't mean to be mean, but I would edit that negatively right out of my life.

Another agreement with SwanFeathers.

At a very minimum I would NOT have any further hair conversation with her - she sounds like someone who is just always looking for the upper hand and no one has time for that nonsense.

:flower:

[lithostoic]

She doesn't sound like a friend. She is purposely trying to make you feel insecure, INSISTING your hair is thin (9cm is not thin at all) and looks bad. Not true at all, I've always admired your hair! Plus why would you want to be friends with someone who demands proof of something personal instead of just believing you?? Can you trust her to believe anything else??

[Aerya]

Pardon my French but she sounds like a b****. Those are just rude, unnecessary things to say. Even if she was being "honest" (which doesn't make sense unless you asked for her opinions about your hair) she was being mean about it.

[amiraaah]

thank you all for responding:flower:!i thought i am just being a drama queen but you ensured that it's rude.
xoAshleyi don't know if she is envious tbh it's her choice to keep her hair to cbl.she always says i love short hair for myself.i'm pretty sure she mentioned a lot before that her hair never grows past BSL even if she stops trimming for years.

miladyandpailinshe is being really rude!
and yes pailin (i will talk about something else)maybe she is insecure,i mean she always mentions for example having"lighter skin"than others and how she was really white when she was a little kid.she has brown skin (which is beautiful)but in our culture it's the dominant skin color.men are obsessed with pale skin because it's unique and not seen around alot.that's the norm i mean if you are tanned and went to a place full of pale girls you will stand out because of having something different.
she will compare her skin color to any girl who has a slightly darker skin color than hers-or maybe even the same shade.she would just say "i have lighter skin and that girl is really jealous of me".i do feel bad for her when she does so.i never like being rude to anybody but whenever she makes another girl feel bad i go on saying"girl stop i have super pale skin and i never compare mine to anybody i can make you feel bad too right now(because she believes that the paler the better) but it's not me.i don't think that a certain skin color is better than the other"

swanfeathers,ylva,jennhalt,illicitlizard andspitfire511she does have amazing qualities tbh she is always there for me.we are friends since we were 5 years old. lately since she went to another college we are not so close but still consider one another a "bestie".

also,thank you ylvaandillicitlizard!it's not as beautiful as your hairs:)

musicalspoonthank you!you are so sweet.she may think i'm jealous of her that's why she asked for a picture.what is really weird,she has rougher hair and it's so frizzy.she always has it straightened because of that.

venusianmanei think you are right about talking to her!but as for getting in trouble i don't really care .i mean i can be b***** as well but i just wasn't in the mood:laugh:.i stopped caring actually about people who make me feel bad but when it comes to my hair i have to admit that i'm insecure.

lapushka,spidermomand shaluwn-agapei regret talking to her about my hair.most of people are ignorant when it comes to hair,so is she.poor girl thinks that fine hair is unhealthy and always thin while coarse hair is healthy and always thick.she advised me to take good care of my hair to get coarse strands like hers.

[VenusianMane]

Yes, I do think you should have a heart to heart conversation with her about this, since she's your bestie, and it's good that you are not apprehensive to call her out on this and having a frank conversation like, it's a great and healthy quality to have
I hope you two sort that out and she apologizes and stops being so rude towards others, specially a dear friend like you, seemingly because of her own insecurities, as that's definitely not ok

And your hair is beautiful (and surely thick in my book) and you should be proud of it :heartbeat

[amiraaah]

obsidianfirst,i will look for the picture she always mentions when she says"your hair used to really thick and healthy",i will post it as soon as i find it.second,i am not sure if she is jealous maybe she is just expressing her opinion.but the only thing i asked her about was my hair progress and i'm sure it's obvious if you compared my hair one year ago and now.she's supposed to be my friend and knows how my hair looked like throughout last year(terrible actually haha!).

blackgothicdollandakuraheven strangers never do that.as i said before we don't hang out that much now because of college,maybe her new community which is full of gossip and drama is affecting her.

milkchocolatehonestly,i thought about telling her"yes my hair is thin but at least it grows,b****:laugh:"but because the idea of "terminal length" is a sensitive topic for everybody ,i didn't.
i'm not sad that she is the one who was rude but i'm sad that somebody said something bad about my hair when i just started to like it.

paulowniathank you :smooch:!you can have 6 cm pony circ that looks healthier and fuller than one with 9 circ or even more.

astridit's good to get advise from your friends!she once told me a year ago try to stop using the straightener for a while because it's starting to cause alittle bit of breakage in your hair.this is said in a good way and i remember telling her "you are absolutely right".she does know that "hair"matters to me so i think she said it on purpose.

strayshe doesn't know anything about hair except washing it with shampoo and then straighten it.actually,from that "image prespective" her hair is considered thin too.

[amiraaah]

areyai did ask her about how it is now because i haven't seen her in a while.she didn't see my new haircut but still she was mean about it,you are right.

thanks lithoandvenusianmane:flowers:,i can talk to her about it but i right now i'm feeling selfish and my hair does matter more than our friendship lol.i'm sure i will change this opinion later but right now i feel bad and my hair is insulted:laugh:
also litho i think she has trust issues or something.

[amiraaah]

I found the pictures when my hair was healthy enough for her lol.i am actually shocked by how long my hair was in the second picture(haven’t seen it before but it’s from the same period)but still my hair was straightened and snapping/breaking.
https://i.postimg.cc/6qjrswKW/CB522911-6-CB5-4494-87-F7-B31-EBFDA0-CF0.png (https://postimg.cc/n9mj7yMg)

https://i.postimg.cc/qvM7hn25/778-C0417-F9-DE-4-B52-9722-FCD23855-E723.png (https://postimg.cc/tYwb8sS3)how to capture screen (https://postimages.org/app)

[Obsidian]

Sounds like she just has skewed ideas on how hair should look. Its really too bad she thinks your hair is unhealthy because its fine, doesn't sound like she is open to learning either.

I can understand being upset about her comments but now that you know the issue is her odd beliefs and not your hair, try to just shrug it off. I'd put hair on a no discuss list with her and if she brings it up again, tell her you don't want to talk about because she too mean.

I can see that your hair is damaged in the older pictures but its still pretty. It doesn't look any thicker though its hard to compare straight to curly. Your friend is just a weirdo

[VenusianMane]

thanks lithoandvenusianmane:flowers:,i can talk to her about it but i right now i'm feeling selfish and my hair does matter more than our friendship lol.i'm sure i will change this opinion later but right now i feel bad and my hair is insulted:laugh:

That's fair :lol: I totally understand
After all she's the one who messed up, ideally she should take the initiative to come to you to apologize

[squirrrel]

I’m impressed at how willing you have been to defend her. It might be that it is thoughtlessness, but I don’t think continuing to socialise with her, and keeping quiet about the way she made you feel, will do either of you any favours.

I think, that if you decide to continue the friendship, you might need to discuss the difference between helpful advice (like the need to stop straightening your hair) and plain criticism. I might consider asking whether she meant to be offensive, and take from there. It might be that she was in a bad place at that point, and was lashing out at anyone. Or it might be that she is growing into someone you don’t want to spend time with.

I do wonder if straightening her hair for so long is why her hair doesn’t grow past BSL.

I’m sorry you had to deal with this.

[amiraaah]

I’m impressed at how willing you have been to defend her. It might be that it is thoughtlessness, but I don’t think continuing to socialise with her, and keeping quiet about the way she made you feel, will do either of you any favours.

I think, that if you decide to continue the friendship, you might need to discuss the difference between helpful advice (like the need to stop straightening your hair) and plain criticism. I might consider asking whether she meant to be offensive, and take from there. It might be that she was in a bad place at that point, and was lashing out at anyone. Or it might be that she is growing into someone you don’t want to spend time with.

I do wonder if straightening her hair for so long is why her hair doesn’t grow past BSL.

I’m sorry you had to deal with this.

Thank you for responding!i’m not Defending her at all but as I said before right now I don’t care about her.we have not met in a month or even more(before this conversation).we are not that close now because of college.whenever she talks to me I will mention this hair thing.

Even when she stops straightening her hair it never goes past bsl.she said her mom is like that as well.i have known her for 15 years and her hair never grew past bsl.

[*Wednesday*]

There are people who are built like that. In school, the work place and into middle age. What starts off in youth can evolve into late adulthood if people don’t recognize it and make a change. This is a part of her personality. You make a choice to accept that and continue your friendship if other qualities outshine this behavior, or end the relationship if it is hindering your relationship with her.
When people start comparing themselves to other people (not to emulate) but to make themselves feel better or prettier, they have no peace within themselves .

Friends either make a deposit or withdrawal in a friendship. If you are being withdrew upon and in the negative with this person, time to reassess people you are taking on your life’s journey. It's tough sometimes..growing pains.

[rubygloom]

she’s absolutely jealous of your nice and long hair! I had a friend that would comment on my skin all the time and be rude, like she would tell me i had scars all over my face (I Dont!) blah blah. She’s now long gone out of my like.
Some people are just so negative!