Rant about the "Friends" feature

[CaraLynn]

I'm pretty much okay with it, I mean I don't think about it as oh geez, I only have 10 friends. I must be a Loser. I just think of it as contacts list or such. :) But when you look at your list of friends, there's a button next to each name that says Break Friendship. Isn't that a bit harsh?? What are your thoughts? I would be really hurt if someone "broke their friendship' with me! That would definitely seem like rejection. Sorry if I'm stepping on anyone's toes by saying this!

[Wavelength]

Aww shucks, that was a pretty mild rant. ;)

*puts the fire extinguisher back on the wall and yells: "Sorry! False alarm people!"*

[CaraLynn]

LOL, well for Miss Mild Cara, that was a MAJOR rant! :)

[karishaf]

I don't have enough posts to have any friends yet :( But I can kind of see where that button would come in handy. Maybe you talked to people mainly through the regular forum posts, became friends with them and then all of a sudden it seemed like they were stalking you, or saying inappropriate things to you, spamming you... who knows. I imagine its used on a rare occasion, but if its needed...hey its there.

[CaraLynn]

I realize that it could be USED, but for heaven's sake couldn't it be called Remove Contact or something less personal?

[Juliet's Silk]

Okay so I guess there are two sets of people.
1) The ones who don't see the "Friends" thing as strictly and like to friend most people even if they are not "friends" in the strict sense of the word
2) The ones who only friend people they really see as friends, in the strict sense of the word.

So, for the first people, I don't see how it would be harsh if anyone used the "break friendship" thing because the friends thing wasn't viewed as a "real" friendship in the first place. Nobody should be hurt by that (in any case, you don't get a message saying "soandso broke the friendship", I think only the little checkmark won't be there anymore).
In the second case, a broken friendship would be just that, and I can imagine people feeling hurt then - but no real friend would do that to you without any reason, right?

[karishaf]

LOL, I guess if it came down to that you wouldn't care what it was called.

It is pretty matter of fact though I agree!




I realize that it could be USED, but for heaven's sake couldn't it be called Remove Contact or something less personal?

[Celebrian]

I'm pretty much okay with it, I mean I don't think about it as oh geez, I only have 10 friends. I must be a Loser. I just think of it as contacts list or such. :) But when you look at your list of friends, there's a button next to each name that says Break Friendship. Isn't that a bit harsh?? What are your thoughts? I would be really hurt if someone "broke their friendship' with me! That would definitely seem like rejection. Sorry if I'm stepping on anyone's toes by saying this!

That confused me too. When I go to see my 'friends' pages, I also see that (from where I'm looking) mine is the only name that has a 'break friendship' button next to it. This baffled me for a few days, and I wondered what I had done to deserve this. Then I figured that I alone could probably see it (none of the other 'friends' could). Therefore, that information belonged to me alone. I then reasoned that this gave me the power to end the friendship if I wanted to - and that the presence of the 'break friendship' didn't mean that I was about to be rejected. It was just showing me that I had a handle on the proceedings.

At least, I think that's right... :rolleyes:

[CaraLynn]

Okay, that does make a little more sense! :)

[FrannyG]

I agree that the wording really does push some very tender buttons for a lot of people. You really have to try to depersonalize it. I also suggest that if there are people whose blogs you want access to, don't be shy about sending a "friendship request".

I have to admit, that I was prepared for a much bigger rant when I read the thread's title. :)

[HairColoredHair]

I don't much view it as 'friends'... but then, my definition of a friend in real life is pretty darn strict. :lol:

[prosperina]

I don't much view it as 'friends'... but then, my definition of a friend in real life is pretty darn strict. :lol:

Exactly! I actual wrote in my blog about this. The people I have friended ( so weird how that can be a verb now) are lovely people, but they aren't really friends. I like to think of them as internet buddies or online-people-I'm interested in getting to know via this site. (Now, that would be a long title in place of contacts)

I guess I would never break a "friendship" unless I were being stalked or harassed, which I don't think would happen here. (I know it could though, no place is truly safe.) That said, even if I don't take the friends list very seriously, I would find it juvenile and immature if someone broke a friendship--precisely because it's not such a big deal in the first place, so why bother doing something so silly (about something that's silly anyway) unless you're trying to be adolescent and petty? Or I guess someone could just out of the blue decide they don't want you knowing about their TOP SECRET hair treatments! :LOL:

[Xanthippe]

You really have to try to depersonalize it. I also suggest that if there are people whose blogs you want access to, don't be shy about sending a "friendship request".

That's sort of how I look at it. If I accept a "friend" request, it means "Hey, you've shared enough of yourself in your posts so I don't feel weird if you read my blog or see my photos." If I send a request, it's "Hey, I recognize you and have read some of your posts, so I don't mind if you read my blog or see my photos" I didn't really analyze it that much, but that's how I viewed it. And, I kind of like how I have greater control over knowing who sees my restricted blog and pictures.

If someone "defriended" me here, I probably wouldn't notice. I also don't keep track of whether people "accept" my "friending" here. If someone didn't, then I'm completely oblivious. I just click and invite and then I forget about it unless they leave a visitor comment on my profile.

To me, the feature is more like a bookmark of a person, rather than an official endorsement of an intimate relationship. Hope that doesn't sound too impersonal on my part!

[jessie58]

Well as it turns out, every once in a while you might possibly interact with someone here on the boards and that interaction either becomes strained or annoying or can just make you outright upset. Sometimes this happens as people's real personalities come to light. This is why it takes time to get to know people and trust them on the internet, particularly a hairsite where often hair ******ists can really come across as lovely friendly people but in real life are creeps. Let's not forget about Trolls, who can take a whole community and put it in a turmoil and cause a lot of division. That's also happened here.

There have been instances on this board where people who were first very friendly with a particular member, then became either intrusive on that person's space or even stalkerish and they have been banned.

It's nice to have an option to defriend or ignore certain users.

[missy60]

I'm pretty much okay with it, I mean I don't think about it as oh geez, I only have 10 friends. I must be a Loser. I just think of it as contacts list or such. :) But when you look at your list of friends, there's a button next to each name that says Break Friendship. Isn't that a bit harsh?? What are your thoughts? I would be really hurt if someone "broke their friendship' with me! That would definitely seem like rejection. Sorry if I'm stepping on anyone's toes by saying this!

Wow you have way more friends then I do and I post alot more. I havent really sent out many friends request yet. I only read a couple journals regularly and so far I havent figured out whos is public and private. I havent really figured out the whole blog thing for now I just go on it and read which blog comes up. Hopefully I will have more time later to get things figured out and start my own blog.

I have thought about sending out friend request, but since reading a few post lately I just havent done it. I guess I dont take rejection well even though I do think of it as a more general thing but some dont.

[prosperina]

I don't think I would defriend someone just because they annoyed me or there was a strain in communication. Maybe that's just me. But then I think this is a question of how invested you are. If you don't feel yourself as having too many *deep* or necessarily really significant exchanges, it can't matter very much. Also, if you're like me and the blog is totally open, defriending someone is a meaningless (and purely petty) act. I question how well you can ever truly know *anyone* on here.

[Unofficial_Rose]

Wow! I never noticed the "break friends" option*. Although, as some have said, on the rare possibility that someone may behave inappropriately, it's there as a protection.

*This does make me wonder what staggeringly obvious things I miss, both on here and irl :bigeyes:

[Dvips]

I don't much view it as 'friends'... but then, my definition of a friend in real life is pretty darn strict. :lol: Exactly - this is a case where you can't get too hung up on the terminology. :agree: We just have to get over the word choice and move on. :shrug:

[Carolyn]

The only reason I can see to "de-friend" or "de-contact" someone would be if there were harrassing you or you weren't getting along with them on the boards and you didn't want them to have access to your private blog and photo albums. If you don't want to see someone's posts you just put them on your ignore list. You see that they have made a post in a thread but you aren't faced with what they have written.

[AngelicBrunette]

I think everyone is making too big of a deal over this whole friendship system. This isn't really directed to you,OP, because your concern was quite mild and yes the wording is a bit harsh, but I assume it is programed into the board setup and not a phrase Steph chose herself (correct me if I'm wrong though, lol)

No offense to anyone who posted what I'm about to talk about, I don't even remember who said what.. BUT we've had people concerned over not having enough friends, people upset and hurt over denied friendships demanding pm's of explanation.. etc. I feel if we make this whole friendship thing so important we're kind of breaking the spirit of the community. I hope once the novelty wears off it will fade into the background a bit and just be used as it's meant for, to regulate who can view your photos and journal.

And to the person/people demanding explanations via pm for friendship rejections, stuff like this is what further drives the system into disarray. It could cause people to become scared to reject people they are uncomfortable with, for fear of confrontation, and thus lead to them to accepting everyone and feeling less safe to post what they want in their journals.
I should've posted that in the other thread, but I'm here now, so I can't be bothered.. it's related nonetheless.

I admit I would be a bit hurt if a request was denied, but I would assume that that person is uncomfortable with me for some reason and just forget about it. I think that is whats best. Remember.. doesn't matter how long you've been here, or how many posts you have .. not everyone is comfortable with everyone, nor does everyone gets along :shrug: That's just how life is. (Although the longer you are here/higher the number of posts, the more chance we have to get to know you.. so comfort is more likely to come over time :) )

PS, is there anyway to get my av from the old board back? I can't find it in my files anywhere and I can't be bothered to take another one right now..

[snowbear]

AB, here's your old avatar: http://archive.longhaircommunity.com/image.php?u=646&dateline=1089298903

[EdG]

I think the words friends and break friendship are optimisms on the part of the Vbulletin developers.

The software developers need to use terminology that users can relate to. If the developers had called friends "people whom you've clicked on the check box" or "permission records in the database", no-one would relate. So, we're friends instead.

The true meaning can be anything from real friendship to people whom I've clicked on the check box. :D
Ed

[AngelicBrunette]

Thanks a lot Snowbear! :cheese:

[squiggyflop]

i too thought it a bit harsh to have a box that said break friendship...

[Morticia]

Maybe the term "in your network" would work better.

In my facebook account, there are people in my friends list who were former students. Personally, they have posted things in their facebook accounts that would make me reluctant to refer to them as a friend, but I don't let it bother me that much. The internet is vast, and having someone in your network as a "friend" is a way to recognize that you have had previous contact of some form or other.

[spidermom]

I would swear in a court of law that I posted a comment in this thread. Where is it now? Is there a "break post" option that I don't know about?

[Myeka]

I am way out of the loop. I don't see any sort of friend feature at all. I must not have enough posts or something?

Nvm: I just discovered it! I wouldn't have noticed it all had there not been these posts on it...

[AngelicBrunette]

i too thought it a bit harsh to have a box that said break friendship...


Actually I went to see it after reading this post (not just yours, lol) and I couldn't find it :confused: It just says untick box to remove contact/friend, but I don't see the break friendship thing..

[Wanita]

Maybe the term "in your network" would work better.

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2145/2352845883_b010526019_o.jpg

Sorry, couldn't resist. :D

[talullah]

Actually I went to see it after reading this post (not just yours, lol) and I couldn't find it :confused: It just says untick box to remove contact/friend, but I don't see the break friendship thing..

The Break Friendship thing isn't in the User CP--It's on your profile page, in the Friends tab. :)

[prosperina]

Wanita, that's hilarious. It almost makes it look ominous since your kitty is so territorial--he's got the keyboard staked out as his (or hers), and s/he's giving this "who do you think you are , lookin' at me" attitude.

[darkwaves]

I think the words friends and break friendship are optimisms on the part of the Vbulletin developers. Optimisms. I like that!


this is a case where you can't get too hung up on the terminology. We just have to get over the word choice and move on.

:toast: Here's to moving on!

As I've said on other threads about this, it might be easier to think of Friend as roughly equivalent to "Indigo" -- or insert noun of your choice. By this model, breaking a friendship would be to Bleach the Indigo, which is perhaps a less problematic, baggage-laden thought.

I like having Indigos and being an Indigo. It's an open and honest way of telling people you are interested in them and what they have to say. Contacts, on the other hand, seem sneaky to me, like the gray-green Asparagus (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asparagus_%28color%29#Asparagus) Crayola tried to foist on the world in 1993.

still baffled by why people attach emotional significance to a check box, but now following Dvips's advice, and quickly moving on...

[Just_Isabel]

That's sort of how I look at it. If I accept a "friend" request, it means "Hey, you've shared enough of yourself in your posts so I don't feel weird if you read my blog or see my photos." If I send a request, it's "Hey, I recognize you and have read some of your posts, so I don't mind if you read my blog or see my photos" I didn't really analyze it that much, but that's how I viewed it. And, I kind of like how I have greater control over knowing who sees my restricted blog and pictures.

If someone "defriended" me here, I probably wouldn't notice. I also don't keep track of whether people "accept" my "friending" here. If someone didn't, then I'm completely oblivious. I just click and invite and then I forget about it unless they leave a visitor comment on my profile.

To me, the feature is more like a bookmark of a person, rather than an official endorsement of an intimate relationship. Hope that doesn't sound too impersonal on my part!

I totally agree with this post.


Exactly - this is a case where you can't get too hung up on the terminology. :agree: We just have to get over the word choice and move on. :shrug:

:agree: Just because it's called "friends", it doesn't mean that adding someone to your friends list is the same as becoming friends with someone IRL.

As I see it, this feature has these functions:
1) To allow certain people to have access to your blog and/or pictures, if they're set to private when you add someone as a friend,
2) To "ask" someone to read their blog / see their pictures if they're set to private,
3) To keep track of people you enjoy more easily.
- If you want to give it more meaning, that's your right, but it doesn't mean that anyone else will see this the same way.

Everyone will define what a "friend" here is differently, of course, but I wouldn't take it personally if someone doesn't accept my request. I'd just take it that they're not comfortable enough to let me see their blog / pics and that's their right. :shrug

The wording used for "remove person from contacts/friends list" won't change the function of this feature.


http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2145/2352845883_b010526019_o.jpg

Sorry, couldn't resist. :D

Hahaha, that was great - so fitting! :D
(I love LOLcats.)

[florenonite]

I see it the same way I see Facebook 'friends'. Yes, some people I have on Facebook, for instance my sisters, are people I love and cherish. However, there are also people that I went to school with years ago that I have on my 'friends' list, or my sister's uni friends that I met when I visited her for a weekend. It's just convenient wording to describe people who have made a mutual agreement to allow one another to see a bit more of their lives.

[wintersun99]

I'm pretty much okay with it, I mean I don't think about it as oh geez, I only have 10 friends. I must be a Loser. I just think of it as contacts list or such. :) But when you look at your list of friends, there's a button next to each name that says Break Friendship. Isn't that a bit harsh?? What are your thoughts? I would be really hurt if someone "broke their friendship' with me! That would definitely seem like rejection. Sorry if I'm stepping on anyone's toes by saying this!

My thought is: I would not feel rejected, I would understand that perhaps others are finding it difficult to keep up with friends and personal communication and perhaps there is too much going on that is becoming overwhelming. I would assume that "they" are trying to keep the communication manageable and thus, editing to do so. I would do this if my own list became overwhelming...in so much as it became too much personal interaction that was just too much to handle (not that it is remotely like that at present), of course it would be nice to rec'v a PM as an explanation, but not necessary.

However, touching on what Jessie58 mentioned, I was a lurker here for a a few years, before I became a member and DO remember some very controversial "troll'ish" or other types of behavior that resulted in certain members being banned and the controversy surrounding some of these instances, and in such cases one should have the right to de-friend a contact to protect personal albums/blogs/journals/your own sanity, etc.

[CountessDeJager]

Is there a "break post" option that I don't know about?

:lol: You just posted in a different friendship thread yesterday, Spidermom- I want to be your friend as long as you are nice (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=1387).

[WritingPrincess]

I think everyone is making too big of a deal over this whole friendship system. This isn't really directed to you,OP, because your concern was quite mild and yes the wording is a bit harsh, but I assume it is programed into the board setup and not a phrase Steph chose herself (correct me if I'm wrong though, lol)
My dad is knowledgable about this kind of thing, and I was telling him about the debate, when he said that the term "friends" is the choice of whomever designed the software. He said that since the boards had to be rebuilt, it makes sense for Steph to just use the latest software.
My choice (for now, at least) has been to let my contacts list be large but keep my friends list to those that I feel I know best. Please don't be offended if I reject your offer of friendship, because I will move you to my contact list. My journal is limited to those on my contact list.

[CaraLynn]

Good grief. I'm sorry I ever wrote this post! I SO did not mean to start anything. Cheese, anyone?

[jessie58]

CaraLynn, it's all good, it's just a discussion. Everybody's being nice and just putting in their ideas on it. It's an interesting thread actually.

[Cinnamon Hair]

:horse:
This is how I'm beginning to feel about the friends system. Though on that note, I'm absolutely willing to have any/all as a friend and if you aren't on my list it's probably because at this point when I click "request friendship" usually the name is already on my list and I'm beginning to get confused as to who I'm missing.

[DecafJane]

I'm the same - even though i feel like I don't "know" any of you particularly well, everybody here I have had any contact with has been lovely.
If anybody friended me I wouldn't turn it down, but I have set my blog and things to public because (for now) I am happy to let people glimpse where I am with hair growth and care. :)