Friend said my curly hair looked 'ghetto'

[Wavybrunetteuk]

So I met up with an old friend today. I hadn't seen him since last October before today. Last October, I used to blow dry my hair straight, but it would be 2a by the end of the day anyway. So he had almost never seen my hair natural before.Today we met up, very quickly he said 'you know, now I see your hair curly, you look ghetto, not like the white tidy straight hair (my ethnicity is white)'.What do you make of that comment?

[AutobotsAttack]

Ehh....stereotype.

There’s way too many stigma’s and misconceptions about the word “ghetto”, and it’s usually if not completely directed towards people of my ethnicity.

I used to get extremely hotheaded over things like this, but I find its better to just understand why people think the way they do, what kind of upbringing they had, what their peers say and do, and how has society kind of influenced people.

It takes thinking about what you say before you say it, and some thought out research. There’s more than enough books to learn about the vast unique differences of hair as well as ethnicity, and it doesn’t matter where you come from, if you want to come across as someone who isn’t inconsiderate.

I don’t blame your friend. He’s just repeating stereotypes.

[chomsky]

Rude. I have no other words for it.

I would have some choice words for someone that said that to me, especially if I considered them a "friend". What was your response?

"White tidy straight hair", I just... nope.

[Wavybrunetteuk]

chomsky Since it was so sudden, I said 'really?' and nothing else.

[chomsky]

chomsky Since it was so sudden, I said 'really?' and nothing else.

I'm not surprised, I'd be taken aback too. Then have something to say after I'd processed it all, haha.

I don't think comments like that are necessary. The word "ghetto" obviously has negative connotations to him, and the comparison to "white tidy straight hair" highlights this. That's what make the comment rude to me anyway.

I hope you continue to flaunt you curls!

[Isobibbel]

shudder: I'd probably never be on the receiving end of a comment like that, but holy hell! if i ever caught one of my friends (especially a white friend) saying something like that they'd be in for an earbashing

[lapushka]

So I met up with an old friend today. I hadn't seen him since last October before today. Last October, I used to blow dry my hair straight, but it would be 2a by the end of the day anyway. So he had almost never seen my hair natural before.Today we met up, very quickly he said 'you know, now I see your hair curly, you look ghetto, not like the white tidy straight hair (my ethnicity is white)'.What do you make of that comment?

Ugh. Chalk it up to "stupid things friends say". And boy that *is* one hell of a stupid comment.

I would pay it no mind, and happily wear your hair out the way you want to.

Isobibbel, yes here too. I would have "served" him of a nice reply.

[Alex Lou]

Rude. And his racism is showing.

[spitfire511]

Ugh. Chalk it up to "stupid things friends say". And boy that *is* one hell of a stupid comment.

I would pay it no mind, and happily wear your hair out the way you want to.

Isobibbel, yes here too. I would have "served" him of a nice reply.

Yup yup yup - all of this. I can’t count the number of times someone’s made a thoughtless comment like that to me that I let affect decisions I made - only to have them not even recall it later. Because they weren’t censoring what came out of their mouth in the slightest. Sheesh!

You do you! 😊

[Ophidian]

A) Just as a general rule, I do not make derogatory comments about my friends' appearances and expect the same in return. Even statements that aren't so obviously loaded can feel bad, and what's the point? They're my friend, not something I keep around to decorate my world (we say that a lot but it bears repeating). And that particular choice of words to describe your hair type goes to a whole other level.

B) I do think a lot of people say things without meaning harm that just come off a bit odd, but like Autobots said, the resources are certainly available for people to gain some baseline understanding of issues affecting others in the world around them, and when it doubt, I think learning to listen to others, evaluate your own thoughts, and ask appropriate questions before you just blurt something out is something that will serve anyone well. I get that cultural context comes into play here, and possibly age (though I've met plenty of people that are plenty mature and still careless with what they say), but we all have to do our part and I hope that he gets that message, whether from you or somewhere else.

[*Wednesday*]

He was implying you look like a "hot mess" wearing your hair curly. Curly hair = to him unkept?

[Wavybrunetteuk]

wednesday I guess so, which is a shame because I can't do much about how my hair naturally grows without damaging it

[lapushka]

wednesday I guess so, which is a shame because I can't do much about how my hair naturally grows without damaging it

Pay him no mind, girl. You wear your hair wavy and out. Maybe his true colors are starting to show?

[EdG]

Ignore the comment. He doesn't know anything about hair. :(
Ed

[Stray_mind]

Pffft. Wavy wild hair is Gorgeous. He doesn't know what he's talking about

[*Wednesday*]

wednesday I guess so, which is a shame because I can't do much about how my hair naturally grows without damaging it

Your hair in your avatar, I'm sure it looked lovely to being with. I can relate to your comment a bit. In the days when I use to straighten my hair, on odd days where I'd leave it curly, I would receive a comment, "You didn't feel like doing your hair today?" Somehow, leaving it curly was leaving it messy and I neglected my appearance. I guess he didn't get the memo, White people can have curly hair too and sometimes they straighten it as well. He sounds out of touch.

[Kake]

Curious, were you in China or the UK?

Such an odd thing to say. It seems like he's insulting your hair either way. More likely, he just hasn't a clue what he's talking about.

[Waterlilly21]

Sounds like he should keep his thoughts to himself. Quite a racist thing to say actually. Waves and curls are super beautiful so show them off!!

[spidermom]

Well I would say his mouth looks ghetto with that kind of trash coming out of it.

[Beckstar]

I'd smile and say, ghetto fabulous, baby!

[Wavybrunetteuk]

Curious, were you in China or the UK? Such an odd thing to say. It seems like he's insulting your hair either way. More likely, he just hasn't a clue what he's talking about.In China, but the comment didn't come from a Chinese person, it came from a black friend.

[cjk]

Ghetto has two very divergent meanings, depending on how it is used.

One is quite insulting and a bit racist. Low rent, cheap...ratchet.

The other is a reference to urban street style. Off the hook is a synonym. It's rooted in ethnic styles, yes, but could be meant as a compliment.

Could you tell from context which meaning was implied?

[Sarahlabyrinth]

Sounds like his mouth got ahead of his brain.

[Kat-Rinnè Naido]

Hi! Maybe you should have asked him if the "ghetto " look was a good thing or a bad thing on you. As to avoid any assumption. Then stared squarely as you waited for a reply.

Language interpretation is so varied across the globe and amongst various cultures.
In some countries a comment like "your hair looks sh1t" is a compliment just not on SA.

[Blue Mermaid]

I probably would've told my 'friend' that he sounds uneducated. Rude!

[fhairyqueen]

It sounds very racist to me
“White tidy hair “
It’s all around racist
The ghetto comment is stereotyping
White people dont need straight hair to look tidy
And ghetto is not a hair type
I’m sorry you were spoken to like this , it’s awful how ignorant people can be

[Harley_Blake]

What a horrible thing to say! Rude and racist. I'm sorry that happened to you! I can see from your profile picture that your waves are stunning. Don't listen to him!

[Trip]

Yeah i take that as hes racist and sees black hair as ugly/dirty and i would stop calling him a friend but its up to you.

[Kyaatje]

Since it came from a black friend, I'm not sure it was meant as a racist comment.
Maybe he isn't used to seeing white people with curly hair?
What is a bit of a worry is his association with curly hair being unkempt, how does he look upon his own ethnicity?
Does he have problems with his self-esteem?

Just keep your hair curly if you want and maybe ask him if he realises what kind of impression he gives with that kind of comment

[Reyesuela]

Your friend is a jerk. Geez. Feel sorry for his girlfriends.

Since the friend is black, he’s not saying curly=black=low class—it’s not a straight up racist comment, but he’s saying curly=low class because of the way he was raised to view hair in his culture. Like nice girls straighten their hair or other crappy baggage.

Ugh.

[windyballoons]

What do you make of that comment?

Your friend might not be racist, but that remark was. Bottom line.

ETA: internalised racism is also a thing.

[Flowerness]

It seems like more and more people expect flat ironed hair everywhere. Curly or wavy hair is almost unexpected, perhaps? I made that transition myself.

No matter what: your hair is lovely! Enjoy it! Those are beautiful wurls!

[cjk]

Uniformity, homogeneity...these are expected by most western societies.

Anyone who stands out, particularly those who choose to stand out, is going to garner a reaction. The strong will find it enjoyable. The weak will resort to insults.

It sounds like you got insulted.

[Wavybrunetteuk]

So my taking away from it is... yeah, the comment didn't make me feel good about my hair. Maybe he said it because my hair is still damaged and dry.

But I'm going to treat it as a comment he shouldn't have said but it's not enough to argue about it. I was surprised to get that comment from a black friend I'd known for years.

It's just a shame that curly hair, whether from a white or black person, still seems to be looked down on and even called something like 'ghetto'.

But don't worry, I'm still wearing my hair curly, because it's healthier for my hair, my sister likes it, and now I think my curly hair makes me just... 'me', my self.

But I do feel more inclined to wear it up because people seem to think it's messy; maybe because of its current health. That's a shame. Maybe in the future it'll look healthier, shinier and I can wear it down.

[*Wednesday*]

In China, but the comment didn't come from a Chinese person, it came from a black friend.

This brings more of a dimension. I thought this was someone silly and didn't know better of a race other than Black. Doesn't make it right but.......I find this very odd coming from someone who is Black projecting this to someone who is White who would be considered a "standard." Hair looking "ghetto" has nothing to do with hair texture. After all, most Black people by majority have 4 type hair and familiar with that. Hair looking ghetto would be wearing hair extensions which are way too long and perhaps synthetic and cheap (not human hair) and overly colorful etc. It has to do with "Black" hair styling seen within Black communities.

I'm not sure about the mindset of Black people in other countries, but in the US, a Black person may say this towards someone White IF they are imitating Black urban styles. Now, I'm saying you are, but I find the comment odd.

[lapushka]

I wonder what he thinks of the hair on his own head. ;)

[nycelle]

Straight up, your friend is an idiot. Whether or not he was kidding, serious, or didn't mean for it to be taken to any extreme- just using that word is insulting to quite a few groups.
Being black doesn't give him a pass.

To older generation Euros (German, Central and Eastern Europe), ghetto is an area where the Jews "lived". They were neighborhoods with no resources. No clean water, garbage everywhere, lack of pretty much everything. They were forced to live in these conditions because they were jewish.
To use that word in front of an older european jew is a ridiculous insult.
In the US, the meaning is similar - except it gets attributed to a different group.
Either way, it's an insult, and deplorable.

I don't give people a pass for crap like this. They need to be called out each and every.single.time they use derogatory terms for any race, or ethnic group regardless if they're saying it about person, or making a comparison of your hair; since the meaning is the same.

[chomsky]

Straight up, your friend is an idiot. Whether or not he was kidding, serious, or didn't mean for it to be taken to any extreme- just using that word is insulting to quite a few groups.
Being black doesn't give him a pass.

To older generation Euros (German, Central and Eastern Europe), ghetto is an area where the Jews "lived". They were neighborhoods with no resources. No clean water, garbage everywhere, lack of pretty much everything. They were forced to live in these conditions because they were jewish.
To use that word in front of an older european jew is a ridiculous insult.
In the US, the meaning is similar - except it gets attributed to a different group.
Either way, it's an insult, and deplorable.

I don't give people a pass for crap like this. They need to be called out each and every.single.time they use derogatory terms for any race, or ethnic group regardless if they're saying it about person, or making a comparison of your hair; since the meaning is the same.

I agree with all of this, the bolded bit moreso. But I don't want to go off topic and rant.

Wavybrunetteuk, don't let this comment get you down, I've seen pictures of your hair and it looks lovely! Unfortunately the "free" nature of curly and wavy hair has been put forward as something negative, and it's not. But times change and I see more people with their hair out and about everywhere!

He'll get the memo one day, and the rest of the people that think this way.

[Reyesuela]

Your friend might not be racist, but that remark was. Bottom line.

ETA: internalised racism is also a thing.

A white person might call a hairstyle white trash. That doesn’t make the white person saying that all hair that is white is low class, but that white hair worn a certain way is.

It’s very distressing when a natural state of hair, not some deliberately adopted style, is given a negative association. It’s understandable that shaving my head and covering it with Thor’s hammer tattoos could get a very negative association even if I’m just a pagan who likes a shaved head. If I shaved my head into an extreme Mohawk, that also has negative associations because people who wear their hair in such a way are more likely to have rap sheets and less likely to have mathematics degrees. But these are choices that take me away from what hair does naturally. When someone stereotypes a natural hair variety, that’s a problem—whether it’s a classist stereotype that nice girls straighten their hair or against hair colors, like blondes being stupid and redheads being shunned.

Cultural baggage is odd. In a white corporate setting, curly hair is seen as more feminine, softer, and potentially weaker. Straight hair is stereotyped as more no-nonsense and aggressive and capable.

I’m annoyed by the judgments that people make based on my long hair. I’ve been asked if my husband “makes me” have it, if it’s religious (obviously not, since I wear pants all the time and it’s obviously trimmed—there’s no religious sect that I know of that allows both), that I do it because men then it’s attractive, or that I’m somehow developmentally arrested (I’ve usually had hair both longer and shorter than the person judging me). In the end, there are people who react badly to anyone defying a norm—no matter how extreme that norm is. There is a lot of cultural variability as to the level of tolerance, though, and I’ve never gotten on one thousandth the level of crap about my hair that my black friends did from other black people, especially boys, growing up, even though I was far “weirder” with my straight, long hair in the age of curls and poofs than any of them ever were. The things that were just constantly said—about weaves and “edges” and nappy hair and a thousand other things. I’ve since known women in mixed-race marriages who desperately want their daughters to be happy with their own hair but get verbally assaulted at a checkout counter for not heat treating a toddler’s hair and end up feeling forced to conform.

I wouldn’t call it racism at all from this guy because straightened black hair looks nothing like naturally straight white hair. It’s bigotry against natural hair texture, but it’s not bigotry against blackness itself. It’s bigotry against failing to conform to dominant social norms—like a woman being excluded from an 18th century court for not wearing a powdered wig. It’s messed up, but that doesn’t make it racist.

[Reyesuela]

I wonder what he thinks of the hair on his own head. ;)

Don’t you know? Men are allowed to have low-care hairstyles. *rolls eyes*

[Wavybrunetteuk]

It’s very distressing when a natural state of hair, not some deliberately adopted style, is given a negative association. It’s understandable that shaving my head and covering it with Thor’s hammer tattoos could get a very negative association even if I’m just a pagan who likes a shaved head. If I shaved my head into an extreme Mohawk, that also has negative associations because people who wear their hair in such a way are more likely to have rap sheets and less likely to have mathematics degrees. But these are choices that take me away from what hair does naturally. When someone stereotypes a natural hair variety, that’s a problem—whether it’s a classist stereotype that nice girls straighten their hair or against hair colors, like blondes being stupid and redheads being shunned.This is the part that disappoints me most. If I had styled it this way and he said it, I wouldn't have even said anything. I would've taken it as 'okay, this style doesn't suit me; I won't style it this way again'But the fact that all I did was wash it and leave it down, and it looks 'ghetto', it's a real shame. And i know I need to wear it up for work.

[wannabe-rusalka]

I honestly doubt his comment was meant to be racist even if he were white or chinese or what have you. He probably just made a stupid comment- friends used to say stupid things about my hair all the time.

Just ignore him, idk what type of person he is but I know whenever my ‘friends’ made disparaging comments towards my appearance they usually were jealous or insecure about something themselves.

Your hair is beautiful by the way <3

[mz_butterfly]

What a horrible thing to say.

I'm *thinking* and hoping he was trying to be casual and make it seem like *not a big deal* and compliment you...but that ghetto business was the wrong way to word it.

He could have just said, *I like your hair natural, not straightened, it looks good*

Ghetto? ugh...blah...NO!!!!!

Rude, racist, awkward, hurtful to...well...many people...and unnecessary.


(ETA: I just read the rest of the comments and see that he is black so I don't think the ghetto part was meant as a racist remark. I still think it was an awkward compliment.)

[lucid]

I honestly doubt his comment was meant to be racist even if he were white or chinese or what have you. He probably just made a stupid comment- friends used to say stupid things about my hair all the time.

Your hair is beautiful by the way <3

Totally agree with this!

It was a stupid comment, but it doesn't have to be anything more than that - and it's most probably not. People say stupid things all the time. People talk before thinking their words through. People tell bad jokes. However, most people do not purposely say such things to insult, to be mean or to be disrespectful. The racism card should not be pulled lightly.

Next time something like this happen, ask the person what he/she meant by the comment. Communication is key :)

[embee]

Maybe he was just commenting that it was curly, like natural black hair is curly. And probably didn't mean anything rude at all.

I realize it is considered correct to see racism everywhere all the time, but to me that is very dangerous. Surely we should be able to tell the difference between a comment from a friend and A Hateful Racist Remark.

He may even have meant it as a compliment. "loose and free and natural" as opposed to "tidy constrained flat-ironed". For sure I know which hair *I* would prefer - your lovely wild free curls! :)

[fhairyqueen]

For some one like me with straight hair acheiving your hair would be a dream and hard work to get my hair like that
I love your hair

[fhairyqueen]

Tbh I can’t believe it’s 2018 and people STILL judge a person by their hair
There are so many personalities and hair styles out there
How can someone be so ignorant and there is no excuse in this day we are exposed to so much variety
It’s sad that people really do judge this way

[CuteCrow]

Maybe it's not the case but where I am from curly hair was THE 'ghetto' style. But also looking ghetto was the coolest thing back then so straight hair was seen as unstylish.
What I mean is, depending where you are from being ghetto is not a bad thing. It can even be a compliment :D

[nycelle]

Maybe he was just commenting that it was curly, like natural black hair is curly. And probably didn't mean anything rude at all.

I realize it is considered correct to see racism everywhere all the time, but to me that is very dangerous. Surely we should be able to tell the difference between a comment from a friend and A Hateful Racist Remark.

He may even have meant it as a compliment. "loose and free and natural" as opposed to "tidy constrained flat-ironed". For sure I know which hair *I* would prefer - your lovely wild free curls! :)

The word "ghetto" in itself is a derogatory term used here to describe low income, crime-ridden neighborhoods, where people of certain races/ethnic groups live. So where exactly is there a compliment in this?

What's dangerous is giving such a comparison a pass. Perhaps he needs to take a hard look at himself and ask why he associates wavy hair, with a ghetto.

[Chromis]

Regardless of unpacking the potential racist overtones of the comment, it was still clearly a disparaging and negative thing to say. I would take a hard look at this "friend" and his comments. If he commonly says things to insult you, that is no friend.

[Kake]

I agree.

Trying to rationalise the intent of the comment is pointless. We just don't know. But we do know how it made the OP feel. And that is what's important.

[Wavybrunetteuk]

I think he just said it without thinking it through. Today he said something else I wasn't comfortable with, but he's honestly a good friend.

I'm coming back to the UK this month to scatter my mother's ashes, and he said 'with you working out in the gym, building those muscles, you can put them to good use and scatter those ashes further.' I didn't respond for a while before changing the subject to the gym.

[windyballoons]

I wouldn’t call it racism at all from this guy because straightened black hair looks nothing like naturally straight white hair. It’s bigotry against natural hair texture, but it’s not bigotry against blackness itself. .

As a mixed race woman I am well aware of the politics of black hair from both sides of the fence. I see what you're saying here, but it is my position that when we (people of colour) are trained to believe that our natural features (e.g. curly hair) are *inherently* low-class and representative of myriad negative traits that are also implicitly associated with blackness, it is internalised racism.

And when aspiring to achieve "white" (European/straight - looking hair... Which is the goal of, e.g., relaxers, although it is not always successful that is 100% how they are marketed and what the aspiration is) is implicitly associated with positive characteristics that are culturally applied almost exclusively to white people, that's racism as well. There are also elements of classism, yes, but the assumption that a black feature is an essentially low-class feature is a function of racism primarily. The idea that being low-class is bad is a function of classism and is secondary.

Your example of calling a hairstyle "white trash" isn't analogous because the concept of "white trash" assumes that being "trash" is an exception for white people, rather than the rule. It is classist, but not necessarily racist; it is based on the person's actions and economic status, both of which are changeable, and not their unchangeable physical characteristics.

[Wendyp]

That’s just plain horrible. You always have to look at the true motive behind someone doing or saying something mean. It’s almost always not for the truth of the matter asserted. When people show you who they are believe them.

[Dark40]

So I met up with an old friend today. I hadn't seen him since last October before today. Last October, I used to blow dry my hair straight, but it would be 2a by the end of the day anyway. So he had almost never seen my hair natural before.Today we met up, very quickly he said 'you know, now I see your hair curly, you look ghetto, not like the white tidy straight hair (my ethnicity is white)'.What do you make of that comment?

Yeah, he is just stereotyping everything. I naturally have curly hair, and nobody hasn't ever told me in real life that my curly hair looks ghetto. Curly hair does not look ghetto. I also have friend or a classmate from high school that also have naturally curly hair, and she didn't look ghetto, and her hair was as long as hip length. But when I met my classmate the first year her hair was naturally curly, and during her graduation year during the first part of the year she had it chemically straightened I think. Because, a few days after school started her hair was pin straight! So, I'm figuring that she had gotten it chemically straightened.

[prairie lark]

.What do you make of that comment?


:( Not a friend.

[Hairkay]

So I met up with an old friend today. I hadn't seen him since last October before today. Last October, I used to blow dry my hair straight, but it would be 2a by the end of the day anyway. So he had almost never seen my hair natural before.Today we met up, very quickly he said 'you know, now I see your hair curly, you look ghetto, not like the white tidy straight hair (my ethnicity is white)'.What do you make of that comment?


In China, but the comment didn't come from a Chinese person, it came from a black friend.

He's negative stereotyping and even if he's not aware of it (it's possible that he is), its insulting. He may have his own issues after all there's a history over curly and kinky hair that puts it in a negative light. If he does it again tell him that what he is saying isn't something positive.

[Beeboo123]

I think he just said it without thinking it through. Today he said something else I wasn't comfortable with, but he's honestly a good friend.

I'm coming back to the UK this month to scatter my mother's ashes, and he said 'with you working out in the gym, building those muscles, you can put them to good use and scatter those ashes further.' I didn't respond for a while before changing the subject to the gym.

Good grief. That was extremely rude and insensitive, bordering on cruel. Does he always speak this way?

[lapushka]

Good grief. That was extremely rude and insensitive, bordering on cruel. Does he always speak this way?

Yeah, WTH! The comment about your mother's ashes was even more cruel and unnecessary.

Is he really a friend? :hmm: Because if he is, I would start calling him out on his words!

[CuteCrow]

It seems to me that he is the typical guy who doesn't say that kind of things to be mean. They think it's kind of funny and you may laugh too, it's like being 'sarcastically mean', they are not actually trying to hurt your feelings or anything. You said It's a good friend, Why not just tell him these things are not fun for you? Maybe he doesn't realize for himself and if you tell him he'll stop

[Reyesuela]

As a mixed race woman I am well aware of the politics of black hair from both sides of the fence. I see what you're saying here, but it is my position that when we (people of colour) are trained to believe that our natural features (e.g. curly hair) are *inherently* low-class and representative of myriad negative traits that are also implicitly associated with blackness, it is internalised racism.

And when aspiring to achieve "white" (European/straight - looking hair... Which is the goal of, e.g., relaxers, although it is not always successful that is 100% how they are marketed and what the aspiration is) is implicitly associated with positive characteristics that are culturally applied almost exclusively to white people, that's racism as well. There are also elements of classism, yes, but the assumption that a black feature is an essentially low-class feature is a function of racism primarily. The idea that being low-class is bad is a function of classism and is secondary.

Your example of calling a hairstyle "white trash" isn't analogous because the concept of "white trash" assumes that being "trash" is an exception for white people, rather than the rule. It is classist, but not necessarily racist; it is based on the person's actions and economic status, both of which are changeable, and not their unchangeable physical characteristics.

But “ghetto” and “trailer trash” ate pretty close analogues. (I avoided saying “trailer” before because while one can argue whether one’s neighborhood is a “ghetto” or not, a manufactured home is a trailer by all reasonable definitions, and I didn’t want to hurt people’s feelings because I know that’s something everyone who grows up in a trailer hears a lot).

You’re assuming that the goal of straightening black hair is to make it white. That’s also what so many African American oriented magazines say—which try to make black women feel bad if the want to straighten their hair. They just want to be white! Shame on them! That’s entirely untrue, though. Some people want lower maintenance hair. And straight hair is faster and easier to take care of that curly hair. (White women with curly hair are so often too attached to their hair color to do relaxers, because both are generally way too much processing for hair to handle without breaking off, but the formaldehyde-based straighteners have a huge following since they were developed for a reason.). Some people just want what they don’t have—I grew up a straight-haired blond wanting glossy black ringlets. I didn’t hate myself and my ethnicity because I wanted something different. I didn’t melt off my hair with an ill-advised perm because I hated myself. I just wanted to be different.

My crazy, radical position is that people should stop freaking caring so much what other people do with their bodies. Is it neat, clean, and appropriate for the workplace (whether this is a factory where you might get scalped, a food prep place where a beard snood is required, or a professional office where hair should usually be dressed above the shoulders)? If so, it’s fine. Let people live!

Black women are told that if they straighten their hair, they’re conforming to white standards of beauty. But white hair isn’t usually straight hair. The hair you see in magazines or even in any office building doesn’t grow naturally out of all but a very, very few people’s heads. East Asian and American Indian hair often is naturally straight, but most white people with straight hair have mechanically straightened it with heat. Usually DAILY. And when they have curls, those are also usually put into hair daily, as well, because the types of curls you see on an office woman aren’t usually the types that come out of people’s heads, either. Most white hair is wavy hair, and it’s wavy to a degree that is pretty much never the trend without lots of styling aids of some sort. (Fashion can never be what’s easy!). Wash-and-dry-and-go hair really only exists in an office professional setting if it’s very short or very long (and quickly bunned) for the vast majority of white women. While black women often spend hours once a week, with styling and straightening salon visits every month to 2 months, your typical white office woman spends 30-45 minutes a day on her hair—changing its natural state into something more fashionable. And then she gets it dyed every 6 weeks, too, because gray hair is soooo “unprofessional”, and white women go gray much younger than other races. I think she’s nuts, but she does all this, usually for decades.

When I dry my hair straight, because I’m the exception in this regard, most white people assume I have flat ironed it. They really do. Because actual straight hair takes the typical white woman quite a lot of work.

I don’t think anyone is obliged to embrace their hair as it is. There is no guilt in spending hours a week styling your hair to look like something it isn’t if that makes you happy. You shouldn’t feel obliged to love your hair as it is, with the implication that you don’t really love yourself if you don’t love your hair. You also shouldn’t feel obliged to spend hours making your hair fit a mold that it doesn’t want to and that you don’t want to do. You should always be allowed to embrace your own natural hair type—or defy it, as you choose. And as a final rant, wigs, weaves, rats, and extensions should be fine for anyone who chooses to wear them!

[languagenut]

I think he just said it without thinking it through. Today he said something else I wasn't comfortable with, but he's honestly a good friend.

I'm coming back to the UK this month to scatter my mother's ashes, and he said 'with you working out in the gym, building those muscles, you can put them to good use and scatter those ashes further.' I didn't respond for a while before changing the subject to the gym.

I have a friend like that; he tends to say off-the-wall things apparently without thinking, and sometimes it gets pretty awkward. Like the time he told my mom that if my dad died he would marry her... and we can tell he doesn't mean any harm, he just doesn't always think through the implications of what he says. :crazyq:

So in regards to the "ghetto" comment, I wouldn't worry too much about it; just acknowledge it as a stupid comment that probably wasn't thought through, and leave it at that. Definitely don't let it give you any negative feelings about yourself or your hair! Your hair is beautiful, and there is nothing wrong with wavy hair (not that I'm biased or anything :laugh:)!

[Beeboo123]

My crazy, radical position is that people should stop freaking caring so much what other people do with their bodies. Is it neat, clean, and appropriate for the workplace (whether this is a factory where you might get scalped, a food prep place where a beard snood is required, or a professional office where hair should usually be dressed above the shoulders)? If so, it’s fine. Let people live!

I don’t think anyone is obliged to embrace their hair as it is. There is no guilt in spending hours a week styling your hair to look like something it isn’t if that makes you happy. You shouldn’t feel obliged to love your hair as it is, with the implication that you don’t really love yourself if you don’t love your hair. You also shouldn’t feel obliged to spend hours making your hair fit a mold that it doesn’t want to and that you don’t want to do. You should always be allowed to embrace your own natural hair type—or defy it, as you choose. And as a final rant, wigs, weaves, rats, and extensions should be fine for anyone who chooses to wear them!

Sorry for going off-topc, but I wanted to say that I couldn’t agree more with this! Keep your hair off your face and shoulders in a bun or a neat braid if you’re working in an office! Hair that is let down is unprofessional, whether it is kinky, curly, wavy or straight. If you’re growing it out and it’s still too short for a proper bun, wear a hair net. Ethnicity and hair type should not be an excuse, all hair can be contained. Neat and professional is easily attainable for everyone. No one should be participating in a beauty contest at work, leave your hairdos for when you’re not on the clock.

And as long as you’re not at work, wear your hair however you like it. If you like it, do it. Most hair, if left to its natural devices, regardless of texture, WILL dread. Combing and detangling everyday to prevent this natural process does not mean you hate yourself, it is merely a matter of personal preference. The same goes with dyeing, straightening, curling, or cutting your hair. It’s just hair!

Most East Asian women have their hair rebonded to make it 1a straight. Does chemically straightening it mean that they hate their (already mostly straight) hair texture? The same can be said of any other people, many alter their hair simply because they like it that way, or because it is more manageable. Renovating a room does not mean that you hate the entire house.

[LoveAngelBeauty]

I wish you had slapped the foolishness out of him....

Smh

[Arciela]

Ugh. Chalk it up to "stupid things friends say". And boy that *is* one hell of a stupid comment.

I would pay it no mind, and happily wear your hair out the way you want to.

Isobibbel, yes here too. I would have "served" him of a nice reply.

Couldn't have said it better myself, seconding this!!

[Ondine11]

*CRINGE* His lack of class, his lack of respect for you, & his racism are all showing. With friends like that, you don't need enemies! I would've been taken aback, too. As a mixed race woman with what many older blacks called 'good hair', I have heard my share of patently stupid, stereotypical, sometimes hurtful remarks as well. People's mouths move faster than their brains.

[ravenskey]

Your friend sounds quite insensitive even bordering on cruel with his remarks so I wouldn't pay any mind to him and might take a closer look at whether he's a good friend.
The comment about your mother's ashes was horrible and he should be quite ashamed of himself.

[lapushka]

Your friend sounds quite insensitive even bordering on cruel with his remarks so I wouldn't pay any mind to him and might take a closer look at whether he's a good friend.
The comment about your mother's ashes was horrible and he should be quite ashamed of himself.

Yes the one on the hair might be "innocent" enough, but this one? I mean, you'd have to be really darn insensitive.

[Glitch]

Honestly, I'd slowly drop him as a friend. He just has a really "different" (insensitive) mindset and doesn't seem to even notice. At that age, even the brain is finished developing. As seen by the reactions here, it's common sense to not say things the way he did. At first I overlooked his hair comment (like maybe he didn't mean it in that way). But then the ashes comment... ugh. As a fully grown adult, I don't think he'll be changing drastically any time soon, if ever. His comments are unnecessary to begin with, and on top of that, unnecessarily hurtful. No thank you :) He may be a good friend, but there are plenty of better friends out there who don't create bad feelings. Life is very fragile. Spend it with those who inspire you and fill you with love.