How to deal with hair shaming ?

[valkyrie90]

It's kinda sad that the first thread I post here has to be this . I had been a short-haired girl for a good while . Then I just kinda play around with the whole cut it off and grow it out loop . I never care about my hair as much as I do now that I go on this great forum and learn about about all the things we can do to our hair and gorgeous people with gorgeous hair . Then I decide to grow it out and see how far I can go . Plus I'm amazed with herbal haircare methods and try hard to make it work . My hair has improved a lot during the past 7 months . I just love to learn and try new things . At this point I grow to love the herbal wash method so much I don't wanna go back to shampoo . It has its pros and cons for sure but I can deal with it . And more than ever , I wanna grow my hair long and healthy , but something is holding me back .

I was born with cerebral palsy that keeps me on a wheel-chair a good deal of time . However , I don't really see the connection between my condition and the suggestion of people that I shouldn't keep my hair long . " Why do you keep your hair that long anyways ? It would do you no good . Even normal people still don't keep it long . It takes a lot of time and effort , ya know . You should keep it as short as possible" They said . I don't understand . None of them has to help me with my hair care routine , so why they even bother ? still I feel down . I stop letting my hair down when those people around so I don't have to hear all their bs . I hear that from too many people , even my ex partner and my mom that makes me feel so sad . Maybe they do really care . But I don't need that kind of caring .

My mom probably is the one who does the most hair shaming to me . She complains about my hair gets worse and worse . She doesn't like the method I use , said it smells bad and make my hair look bad , that my hair is so damaged . Honestly , I've never felt so good about my hair as I do recently ( to be precise , only 2 days after wash day but still hehe ) . But right now , I feel so bad that I wanna cut it all off . Feel like I had enough of hair shaming . I put a pic of my hair here to ask you guys if it deserves to keep . I'm growing out a side shave since April and an ombre for the last 2 years . I don't think it looks bad but I feel too down right now . Should I cut it off or grow it long ?

Sorry for the long ranting and my bad English . Here is the pic .



http://i68.tinypic.com/15sa7w2.jpg

[Wildcat Diva]

Oh goodness. You are gonna get an earful of support from people on here. Your hair is beautiful, and it gives you joy! You absolutely should keep it. Most people don't understand that to be practical, long hair can be bunned or braided, and then it's out of the way. I had my hair braided yesterday and decided it was in the way during a volunteer activity and guess what, I tucked the braid in my shirt! No big deal.

Long hair can be very practical, and if it's one thing about your body that you can nurture and love, well that's awesome! A lot of people don't understand this though, so you gotta figure out a comeback. You can say something like, "well my opinion differs, and that's ok." You can be angry with them or indifferent or whatever. Please don't let their comments contaminate your joy and interest in your hair.

Good luck!

[*Wednesday*]

Let it grow. Your hair looks beautiful. It is your hair. Grow it how you want it.

[akurah]

Honestly, the only thing that has ever worked with me and shaming are aggressive and hostile responses. This doesn't always work (for example, they're itching for a fight) and isn't always necessarily a good idea, but it's honestly the only thing that's worked with me. It has to be a no tolerance approach and loud about it for my way to work.

For very aggressive shamers, I'm not going to lie, I bring out the big guns. A woman I know for about 20 years starting skinny shaming me. She is morbidly obese, at risk of dying. I never said a word about it before, and I hope that I never need to do it again, but I told her something to the effect of: "How would you feel if I started fat shaming you? You are, after all, morbidly obese. Couching your comment as concern for my health is no different than me doing the same to you, and since I am not anorexic, my "case" is stronger, if you want to get real petty about it. I have a doctor and nutritionist who both know what I'm up to. Until you get your medical degree, shut up."

In this case though, I was so fed up with it I was prepared to end the friendship over it, so if she reacted badly, and could not be a reasonable adult about it, she would be gone. (Eta: she got the message and we're still friends)

In your case, if your mother is a caregiver in any fashion and you don't have an alternative or replacement, that might not work as well. Maybe a milder "when i want your opinion on my hair I will ask for it. Please don't bring it up again." might be more appropriate.

[Aredhel]

Welcome to the forum, valkyrie90!:flower:

I think a lot of people are just generally critical about long hair and make a lot of assumptions that it's inherently difficult to care for. My mom doesn't mind my hair long now that I live on my own, but growing up she would always tell me to cut it because my long hair made me look like a bum.:rolleyes: She'd also say that I was using up more shampoo & conditioner than she could afford. There was also one girl I knew who commented on how "damaged" my ends looked when I posted a photo on Facebook.:rolleyes: I guess people just love telling other people what to do with their lives. I'd pay them no mind if I were you. :)

Your hair looks very thick and healthy and lovely, I think you should absolutely grow it as long as you want. :)

Is it possible for you to put your hair up in updos just to keep it out of sight and out of people's minds? Hair toys and fun updos are one of the funnest (I'm gonna pretend that's a word;)) things about long hair for me, and keeps my hair concealed...also for convenience and to keep my hair protected. :)

[spidermom]

Your hair looks fine to me. You can tell people "You wear your hair how you like it, and I will wear my hair how I like it." And "Keep your opinion to yourself; I didn't ask for it."

[Ophidian]

Your hair is beautiful and it seems like taking care of it brings you joy (I think WD said it really well--it is a part of you that you nurture and love). Do you think your mother understands that her comments are hurtful? Have you talked to her at all about how you feel about your hair and why it is important to you? If you haven't felt confident enough to explain it to her maybe she isn't aware of how she is making you feel.

That said, if she does know how important it is to you and why, and continues to make disparaging comments anyway, I would agree that setting boundaries with her is important and that being polite about it may only be effective to a point. It is your body, and your hair, and how you choose to wear it and take care of it is up to you.

[Jo Ann]

First of all, welcome aboard, Valkyrie! It's good to have you!

It's none of those naysayers business how long your hair is. Your hair looks well cared for, and is gorgeous as well! Besides, who are THEY to tell you what you deserve or don't deserve?

If all else fails, try "It gives me joy because it's something I can do myself. Why would you want to rob me of personal accomplishment and joy?" Put another way, toss their shaming back into their faces by exposing it for what it is. It might work on your Mom, too.

[Stray_mind]

Just ignore those people. Seems like they are jealous that you have something that makes you happy and they do not.

Your hair is Absolutely beautiful and if growing it and styling it makes you feel positive and happy-that's all that matters.

Some people said to me that i shouldn't grow out my hair since my current hairstyle suits me better, but will i listen to them? Heck no!
I miss being able to use my hair toys and to make different braids and buns. I miss the feeling of long hair on my back.

So i will grow it long. And you should too!

Welcome to LHC!

[Krissycats]

Your hair is beautiful. I think you will regret it if you cut it. Keep it; it is lovely.
My husband would like me to cut my hair and I hear things all the time about how "older" women shouldn't have long hair. My hair makes me happy and I like it. I'm growing it for me.

[Jas]

I agree with what everyone above me said and also just want to say how absolutely beautiful your hair is!

[ErinEM]

Valkyrie90, I think your hair is beautiful. It looks very healthy. I agree with what others on this board have said: grow your hair as long as you want. It sounds like it makes you happy, and that's great to hear! I wish people in general would not make negative comments about how others look, and that they would think more about how hurtful they are being. That's awful that people have made you feel so upset and discouraged about your hair. I hope you're able to talk to them to let them know that you like your hair and will grow it how you want it. It's your hair, not theirs. Wishing you luck.

[littlestarface]

It's kinda sad that the first thread I post here has to be this . I had been a short-haired girl for a good while . Then I just kinda play around with the whole cut it off and grow it out loop . I never care about my hair as much as I do now that I go on this great forum and learn about about all the things we can do to our hair and gorgeous people with gorgeous hair . Then I decide to grow it out and see how far I can go . Plus I'm amazed with herbal haircare methods and try hard to make it work . My hair has improved a lot during the past 7 months . I just love to learn and try new things . At this point I grow to love the herbal wash method so much I don't wanna go back to shampoo . It has its pros and cons for sure but I can deal with it . And more than ever , I wanna grow my hair long and healthy , but something is holding me back .

I was born with cerebral palsy that keeps me on a wheel-chair a good deal of time . However , I don't really see the connection between my condition and the suggestion of people that I shouldn't keep my hair long . " Why do you keep your hair that long anyways ? It would do you no good . Even normal people still don't keep it long . It takes a lot of time and effort , ya know . You should keep it as short as possible" They said . I don't understand . None of them has to help me with my hair care routine , so why they even bother ? still I feel down . I stop letting my hair down when those people around so I don't have to hear all their bs . I hear that from too many people , even my ex partner and my mom that makes me feel so sad . Maybe they do really care . But I don't need that kind of caring .

My mom probably is the one who does the most hair shaming to me . She complains about my hair gets worse and worse . She doesn't like the method I use , said it smells bad and make my hair look bad , that my hair is so damaged . Honestly , I've never felt so good about my hair as I do recently ( to be precise , only 2 days after wash day but still hehe ) . But right now , I feel so bad that I wanna cut it all off . Feel like I had enough of hair shaming . I put a pic of my hair here to ask you guys if it deserves to keep . I'm growing out a side shave since April and an ombre for the last 2 years . I don't think it looks bad but I feel too down right now . Should I cut it off or grow it long ?

Sorry for the long ranting and my bad English . Here is the pic .



http://i68.tinypic.com/15sa7w2.jpg

WOW after reading all the bad things I thought your hair would be not nice but WOW your hair is really pretty! Please please please please don;t cut it please!

[paulownia]

Your hair is really beautiful, my dear, you shouldn't listen to people saying all those negative things. It's your hair and only you decide what you want to do with it.

[Zesty]

Wow, are you kidding? Your hair is so beautiful. It looks sleek and shiny, your ends are so full, the gentle color gradient is beautiful (dunno if that's the lighting in the picture, but it's still pretty).

Anyway, those people can shove it. If it makes you happy to take care of your hair and grow it long, don't let them get you down, because it's for you. And get your daily dose of LHC. :deal: Seriously, the support here is great. :grouphug:

[Cg]

You have beautiful hair!

A gracious, successful reply to any unsolicited suggestion is a firm but pleasant "It's my choice," followed by a smile and blatant change of subject.

[valkyrie90]

thanks ladies for all your replies and supports . It means a lot to me . I grow to love long hair on me since I join this wonderful forum , drool over all gorgeous hair you guys have , then decide to try growing it out healthy and as nice as I possibly could . But for some unknown reasons , people seem to have problems with that . I was told that only pretty body-able people should keep their hair long , because it makes them even much more pretty . Because I'm on a wheelchair nobody would give it a damn about my hair . It just makes me look weirder . It's like tell a woman that she shouldn't wear bikini because she is not a Victoria's Secret model . It's too ridiculous it becomes funny over time . Or probably they feel sorry for me when they see me doing hair stuff . Yeah it takes me longer to do my hair , and I look clumsy and all . Honestly it takes me forever to do almost everything and it always looks clumsy . But somehow I still get it done . I don't need their pity . I have the right to look good even if I stay on a wheelchair , don't go out much and don't have a partner to look good for . My hair is far from pretty compared to you all gorgeous have here but I enjoy making it better . Thanks again for inspiring and supporting me , ladies <3

Valk

[Wildcat Diva]

People can be really rude and have all kinds of messed up thinking patterns. It's not your fault that they think this way and you don't have to change what you do and think and feel because of them.

You can be happy with something in your life that helps you feel accomplished, and ...

What you have to overcome to get to the lovely result, kinda, to me, makes it even MORE worth it.

I think that deciding how to not care might take up less energy than getting mad, especially if it's going to happen a lot and you have to constant deal with people who you can not count on to "get it."

You CAN give a very abrupt and curt response without adding in anger and sticking to your "I don't give two sh$ts" approach. Takes some cultivating and not saying that I'm there either but it might be a nice challenge to get there.

[sanguinebread]

Welcome to the forum!

Your hair looks great, and you should definitely keep it long as long as that makes you happy. It's a part of your body, and your body only belongs to you. I know it can be difficult to put up with other people's comments, but you're not there to decorate their world. If some abled people are snide about your hair length, or the hair of wheelchair users in general, that's a problem with them, not you.

People can be so weird about disabled people's hair. A friend of mine who's a wheelchair user had her doctors make snide comments in her medical records about her dyeing her hair because it supposedly proved she had more energy than she said. One time I went to an appointment with loose hair and the doctor looked me up and down and cracked about how I looked too healthy to need a cardiologist. *eyeroll* I think a certain amount of it is because a lot of people - consciously or unconsciously - think of hair as a symbol of youth and health and sexuality, and so ableist people react to it the same way they react to disabled people having relationships or being sexually active - with confusion and discomfort. Or it can be a jealousy thing; "My hair doesn't look that good, so what right do YOU have to it?"

It's really cruel, and I'm sorry your mother is saying that kind of thing to you; it's totally out of line on her part. I really hope she's just being thoughtless and will stop when she understands it upsets you, rather than being deliberately cruel.

Depending on your relationship with her, you could try telling her how much it hurts you, but if you don't think it's likely to work, or if you try and she doesn't stop, it might be necessary to enforce the boundary by other means. My suggestion is that you ask her one time not to make those comments any more, and then every time she does it say something like "Wow!" or "Please don't talk about my hair like that," and then leave the conversation - find something urgent to do in another room, become deeply engrossed in your phone or book, put your headphones on, whatever. Losing your temper once might help if it's safe, especially if the previous methods don't work.

Good luck with everything, and I hope your hair keeps making you happy for many more years!

[Alibran]

I would probably say something like, "My hair is my hobby. Are you saying disabled people shouldn't have hobbies?"


My husband would like me to cut my hair and I hear things all the time about how "older" women shouldn't have long hair.

A couple of years ago, an acquaintance said to me, "Women over 40 shouldn't have long hair, anyway." She meant it to be a compliment on my pixie, but still ... It was one of the things that motivated me to start growing my hair long again.

[martyna_22]

Your hair looks amazing, so thick and sleek. Many people do numbers of treatments so that their hair can look like that - extensions and what not. I'm in awe as many LHC-ers above.
I hope you find your peace with your mom and will let your amazing mane get loger! We're all cheering for you :grouphug:

[AZDesertRose]

First of all, welcome aboard, Valkyrie! It's good to have you!

It's none of those naysayers business how long your hair is. Your hair looks well cared for, and is gorgeous as well! Besides, who are THEY to tell you what you deserve or don't deserve?

If all else fails, try "It gives me joy because it's something I can do myself. Why would you want to rob me of personal accomplishment and joy?" Put another way, toss their shaming back into their faces by exposing it for what it is. It might work on your Mom, too.

Hi valkyrie90, and welcome to LHC!

I think Jo Ann, quoted above, hit it right on the head. The naysayers are being jerks, and they deserve to have it thrown in their faces how they're shaming you for something that not only brings you joy and accomplishment but is also none of their [expletive deleted] business. You're not on this earth to decorate anyone's world but your own.

:grouphug: and welcome again!

[cathair]

Hair shaming is quite a regular thing for my parents, they're not great keeping their opinions to themselves. Some of it they have a point about with that they say to me. But seeing your picture, your Mum has no point at all! Your hair is beautifully healthy looking!

I suppose the way I deal with the shaming is try to stay off the topic. If they bring it up, I will dismiss it. Try to keep answers short and not engage them about it. I know if I wear it down around them I have to expect comments, so I either prepare myself for that, or don't wear it down. Make 'no' your default reaction.

Don't you think your hair needs cutting? No.
Your hair looks dirty. No, it doesn't.
Would you feel better if you cut/washed/brushed your hair? No.
Don't you think so and so looks better with short hair? No.

Eventually they'll get bored.

I think you have to be quite stubborn. I don't think parents to it intentionally to hurt you, they just have opinions about everything their children do :) I also wouldn't be surprised if there's a hint of mother-daughter jealous going on your situation. Your hair is really lovely. Don't doubt that.

[MusicalSpoons]

Welcome, Valkyrie! I have to agree with what everyone else has said - your hair is yours, you take care of it so why should it be anyone else's business? And it is beautiful! My first thought was that others may be jealous, and with the ableist attitude of 'I can't have that, so how come you can when you're in a wheelchair?' (because apparently using a wheelchair = incapable, object of pity ... (!!!) :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: Can you hear my eyes rolling here?!?!?! Sorry, I get really snarky talking about ableism!)

I have an invisible disability so a lot of the time I don't get ableist remarks. But it does make me sad how many disabled/ill people I know have short hair because they think anything more is 'too much to handle', or even ladies who cut their hair shorter and shorter as they get older, because they're 'not supposed to have long hair'.

As for your Mum being cruel, I'm so sorry. You do need to try to set some boundaries, somehow. Maybe you could point out that whatever she thinks of your herbal smells, you're not asking her to use them on her hair! They work for you and that's what matters.

I hope you enjoy your time here, however much you read or post. Hopefully it will help you gather the strength you need to stand up to the people who try to put you down :flower:

[divinedobbie]

I agree with what everyone else has said and want to also say I think your hair looks amazing. You have a great thick hemline, it's shiny, tidy and looks healthy!

I wonder if maybe your mom just doesn't like herbal scents rather than think your hair itself smells bad.

[Hairkay]

Hi Valkarie,

I'd be telling them that it's not up to them to decide how your hair should be. It's your head, your hair so you can keep it as you like. Enjoy your beautiful hair and LHC.

[embee]

Your hair looks fine. Grow it if you want to. Now if someone else has to do all the work on your hair, that's different, but if *you* are the one doing your hair, then it's really not their business. Gee whiz, some people...... :(

[Dendra]

I cannot understand why your mother said your hair looks damaged - it looks so healthy! I scrolled down to look at your picture unsure of what I'd see, but what I saw was a stunning and enviable head of hair! It's gorgeous, and you should grow it as long as you want. Your body, your choice.

[lapushka]

You posted such a gorgeous picture of your hair. OF COURSE we aren't going to agree with your mom. It looks lovely, and I don't see oily hair, so it can't possibly smell bad at this time. (Sometimes oily hair smells, sorry, it does.) Do you always get these comments? My gosh I would tell them to mind their own business quickly!

[Sarahlabyrinth]

Just wanted to add my voice to the chorus of "your hair is utterly gorgeous". :) You grow your hair for you, and nobody else.

[languagenut]

Welcome to the forum! I agree, your hair looks great! I've gotten some flak for my hair (and my clothes, and my lack of makeup, and...), from a guy who apparently thought I had a moral duty to be "stylish"... I kept ignoring his advice, and eventually I guess he got the message that I didn't care a hill of beans for his opinion, and he stopped talking to me. That approach doesn't necessarily work for everyone, but it worked for me.

Also, you can do a search for the "Longhaired and disabled" thread on this forum (I'm on my phone so I don't have the link), you may find it inspiring :).

Happy growing! :D

[CindyOfTheOaks]

Welcome to the forum! I agree, your hair looks great! I've gotten some flak for my hair (and my clothes, and my lack of makeup, and...), from a guy who apparently thought I had a moral duty to be "stylish"... I kept ignoring his advice, and eventually I guess he got the message that I didn't care a hill of beans for his opinion, and he stopped talking to me. That approach doesn't necessarily work for everyone, but it worked for me.

Also, you can do a search for the "Longhaired and disabled" thread on this forum (I'm on my phone so I don't have the link), you may find it inspiring :).

Happy growing! :D



Link to above mentioned thread :
http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=136105&highlight=longhaired+disabled


People these days sure seem to be getting into everybody else's business way too much.
You have beautiful hair and it's your choice as to how you want it.

[Ligeia Noire]

It is unbelievable how much hatred and misconception surrounds long hair, it drives me up the wall, honestly. Valkyrie your hair is lovely, grow as long as you want, it can be a very good companion.

[queenbee1]

Honestly, if you are the one who washes your hair, manages and takes care of it, then keep it. But if its somebody else, try their point of view. It might be difficult for them. I dont know how severe your cerebrally palsy is, but if youre able to manage your hair then you dont need to be listening to anybody else. Thats just my humble opinion.

From what i can see your hair is beautiful. It is in great condition and I aspire to make my hair as pretty as yours. :)

[valkyrie90]

Thank you for all the compliments. I'm flattered as many of you are inspiring me to grow my hair long. I'm surprised that you give such compliments about my the thickness and my hemline. It's funny because I used to think that my fast growth rate and thickness is something bad. "Your hair is damn thick" . People often say that with a high-pitched voice that made me think it's not good to have thick hair. My hair growing fairly fast annoys mom so she used to take me to hairdresser to get it trim as thin as possible and chop it off to chin length or even a pixie that looks neat. I had no problem with that until I grow older and gain more independence . I tried ombreing my hair to a vibrant orange-ish color that I had no regret back then but so much regret when it started to fade into weird color it is today. I think I need another chop to get rid of that awkward-colored end . You guys' 2 cents ?

Time when I got the most hair shaming is when I side shaved my hair in March to celebrate my b-day. Some of my friends think that I look dope but not my mom and other adults. She freaked out when I flipped all the hair to one side, reveal my side shave. It's kinda fun to see my mom freak out hehe. It's not fun anymore when she constantly told me that I looked like I just had a brain surgery and that she's not going with me if I plan to keep this style. So I grow it out now that it's pixe length . I don't think my mom wanna hurt me with all that hair shaming. She has good intention . It's just our point of views differ. I will follow you guys advice to avoid bringing the hair topic and wear my hair up around her. To other people , I don't mind the bitchy approach now that all the hair fairies here boost my confidence high. I'm ready to reach waist length !!

[Sarahlabyrinth]

You go ahead and grow! :D We're all here to support you!

[Aredhel]

Thank you for all the compliments. I'm flattered as many of you are inspiring me to grow my hair long. I'm surprised that you give such compliments about my the thickness and my hemline. It's funny because I used to think that my fast growth rate and thickness is something bad. "Your hair is damn thick" . People often say that with a high-pitched voice that made me think it's not good to have thick hair. My hair growing fairly fast annoys mom so she used to take me to hairdresser to get it trim as thin as possible and chop it off to chin length or even a pixie that looks neat. I had no problem with that until I grow older and gain more independence . I tried ombreing my hair to a vibrant orange-ish color that I had no regret back then but so much regret when it started to fade into weird color it is today. I think I need another chop to get rid of that awkward-colored end . You guys' 2 cents ?

Time when I got the most hair shaming is when I side shaved my hair in March to celebrate my b-day. Some of my friends think that I look dope but not my mom and other adults. She freaked out when I flipped all the hair to one side, reveal my side shave. It's kinda fun to see my mom freak out hehe. It's not fun anymore when she constantly told me that I looked like I just had a brain surgery and that she's not going with me if I plan to keep this style. So I grow it out now that it's pixe length . I don't think my mom wanna hurt me with all that hair shaming. She has good intention . It's just our point of views differ. I will follow you guys advice to avoid bringing the hair topic and wear my hair up around her. To other people , I don't mind the bitchy approach now that all the hair fairies here boost my confidence high. I'm ready to reach waist length !!

You'll find that thick hair is coveted by many around these parts, so you've come to the right place!:) If you want to chop the coloured ends, feel free to, but I don't think you need to; your hair looks very healthy to me even though it's bleached. The bottom half of my hair is bleached too (also from a previous ombré), but I'm keeping it because I prefer having length more than I need virgin ends. :p

[restless]

I was told that only pretty body-able people should keep their hair long , because it makes them even much more pretty . Because I'm on a wheelchair nobody would give it a damn about my hair . It just makes me look weirder .

Oh my... the rudeness :bigeyes: I dont even know what to write, this is completely beyond me. What the hell is wrong with people? Of course long hair isnt only for the pretty ones with able bodies (!). What kind of bizarre reality are these naysayers living in? Ignore their sh*t, grow your hair, have fun and enjoy it!

For what its worth- I think your hair looks absolutely beautiful :flower:

[Alibran]

I didn't even notice the change in colour when I looked at your photo. I've just gone back to look at it again, and I think it just looked like the way the light was catching it. Obviously, cut the previously dyed part off if you want to, but I wouldn't do it because you think other people are noticing and thinking it looks odd.

[valkyrie90]

You'll find that thick hair is coveted by many around these parts, so you've come to the right place!:) If you want to chop the coloured ends, feel free to, but I don't think you need to; your hair looks very healthy to me even though it's bleached. The bottom half of my hair is bleached too (also from a previous ombré), but I'm keeping it because I prefer having length more than I need virgin ends. :p

If I chop it off , I'd loose quite some length which I don't want to since I decide to grow my hair at least to waist . There are some split ends but barely noticeable . I guess I can go on growing with these ends . Bleached ends never go away , do they ? ( sorry for my silly question , that was my first time ever got my hair bleached and dyed . >"< , not plan to do that again )



Oh my... the rudeness :bigeyes: I dont even know what to write, this is completely beyond me. What the hell is wrong with people? Of course long hair isnt only for the pretty ones with able bodies (!). What kind of bizarre reality are these naysayers living in? Ignore their sh*t, grow your hair, have fun and enjoy it!

For what its worth- I think your hair looks absolutely beautiful :flower:

There are things people say that so bad it's funny . A taxi driver once asked if I'm well functioned as a woman . It took me a while to figure out that he asked that if I could be able to have sex and have babies . I was speechless for a moment . I guess this hair shaming aint no big deal as I have been dealing with all kind of sh$t my whole life .



I didn't even notice the change in colour when I looked at your photo. I've just gone back to look at it again, and I think it just looked like the way the light was catching it. Obviously, cut the previously dyed part off if you want to, but I wouldn't do it because you think other people are noticing and thinking it looks odd.

I don't wanna loose length and the bleached ends is barely noticeable unless people take a closer look . But my mom ( yeah my mom again >"< ) said it looks horribly damaged . does it look anything like that to you ? except for the weird color which is faded bleached color . I think it's healthy enough to keep but not so confident...

[AndreaNOR]

Your hair is beautiful, and I'd definitely keep the ends if they don't bother you

[lapushka]

Honestly, if you are the one who washes your hair, manages and takes care of it, then keep it. But if its somebody else, try their point of view. It might be difficult for them. I dont know how severe your cerebrally palsy is, but if youre able to manage your hair then you dont need to be listening to anybody else. Thats just my humble opinion.

From what i can see your hair is beautiful. It is in great condition and I aspire to make my hair as pretty as yours. :)

Yes, my mom helps me with mine as well and I always value her input. If she will say hair past classic is too hard to manage, I will cut back! No doubt, but if she's willing to give it a try for me, then I will continue growing (if it's not too uncomfortable for me as well). I do know that my mom is honest with me, and has her own opinions. She frowned when I said I was not going to be cutting it in the next 2 years, and just said, "no, really?" I said yes. She said, "You're kidding. Really?" I said yes again, and that was about it. She full-well knows that it's not going to be easy and when it is going to be too much I will tell her, and she will tell me.

If someone else is helping you with your care, it is important to listen to them too. And to make some sort of compromise between the two of you. My mom is nice about it, though, and I hope your mom is too. Telling you your hair smells, might be only to help you out. It could *really* smell, and you won't want to go out like that.

[PrincessAralin]

Your hair looks lovely, and it doesn't look damaged at all, even the previously bleached areas, so I have to wonder why people are lying to you to try and make you feel bad.
When people who don't help you start saying you shouldn't have it long because it takes effort to keep, I'd either go with "Actually, it's very easy to take care of, but thanks for your concern" or "I don't think that's any of your business".
From what you've said it sounds like your mom isn't involved in caring for your hair either, and she's saying some really mean things - that aren't true, which makes it extra weird. Straight up saying "It makes me happy and it doesn't impact your life at all so leave it alone" would be my choice, but I don't really know enough about your relationship with her to know if that's appropriate for you.

[Simsy]

Yes, my mom helps me with mine as well and I always value her input. If she will say hair past classic is too hard to manage, I will cut back! No doubt, but if she's willing to give it a try for me, then I will continue growing (if it's not too uncomfortable for me as well). I do know that my mom is honest with me, and has her own opinions. She frowned when I said I was not going to be cutting it in the next 2 years, and just said, "no, really?" I said yes. She said, "You're kidding. Really?" I said yes again, and that was about it. She full-well knows that it's not going to be easy and when it is going to be too much I will tell her, and she will tell me.

If someone else is helping you with your care, it is important to listen to them too. And to make some sort of compromise between the two of you. My mom is nice about it, though, and I hope your mom is too. Telling you your hair smells, might be only to help you out. It could *really* smell, and you won't want to go out like that.

Seconding this. If they are helping with your hair, then at least hear them out. If they aren't, then you are under no obligation to give them the time of day about it.

I find my mil has got into her head that I should donate my hair. Since she has no role in my Haircare I don't pay that much attention. DH on the other hand, has to live with this mop so he gets at least some say if it starts getting out of control.

[valkyrie90]

Yes, my mom helps me with mine as well and I always value her input. If she will say hair past classic is too hard to manage, I will cut back! No doubt, but if she's willing to give it a try for me, then I will continue growing (if it's not too uncomfortable for me as well). I do know that my mom is honest with me, and has her own opinions. She frowned when I said I was not going to be cutting it in the next 2 years, and just said, "no, really?" I said yes. She said, "You're kidding. Really?" I said yes again, and that was about it. She full-well knows that it's not going to be easy and when it is going to be too much I will tell her, and she will tell me.

If someone else is helping you with your care, it is important to listen to them too. And to make some sort of compromise between the two of you. My mom is nice about it, though, and I hope your mom is too. Telling you your hair smells, might be only to help you out. It could *really* smell, and you won't want to go out like that.


My mom doesn't help me wash my hair . Every once in a while I ask her to help me prepare the herbs just to draw her attention to all the hair care stuff I'm doing and maybe get her to join me . She's not interested but still help me when she has free time , like watch over the pot or pour the solution into the bottles . Stuff like that . She complains a lot and always says hurtful things about things I do that she doesn't like but still help me when I need it . I truly appreciate that . I do my washing routine on my own but if I have to share my bed and my room with her like I did with my sister I might have to cut with all that because she'd kill me if I make a mess in the bathroom that not exclusive mine haha. She'd never stand the fact that I put egg on my hair lol .

I'm happy for you that your mom is so understanding and you guys have made it work lapuska . My mom might say hurtful words and not being supportive but it's just on the outside . so when the pain is pinned down I still know she has my back , it's just like with others aspect in my life .

[valkyrie90]

plus I'm taking the smelly hair seriously . It might be the soapnut solution that causes it. Next time I'm gonna add some grapefruit peel to the pot when I boil the herbs to see if it could dominate the funny smell of soapnuts . Mom only wants the best for me but she also has this over-sensitive nose just as my ex . So far no one complains about my hair smells bad except for them two. I shared bed with my ex at that time so i gotta make sure she has nothing to complain . I was being a good kid , no hair experiences , no wash stretching . still she doubted my ability to wash my own hair . ( Yeah it's a she and I'm queer if you're wondering ). She asked me everytime we headed to bed if I washed my hair off really clean . Like so many people , she somehow believes that I don't have the strength and skill to wash my hair properly . I'm still puzzled over it . Hair washing ain't no rocket science neither gymnastic . I don't understand why people think it's too much for me >"< . Humanity is a mystery .

[FuzzyBlackWaves]

Your hair looks beautiful and very healthy, not damaged at all! I think people are very ableist for suggesting you have it short just because you're in a wheelchair. They are close minded and prejudiced.

[queenbee1]

plus I'm taking the smelly hair seriously . It might be the soapnut solution that causes it. Next time I'm gonna add some grapefruit peel to the pot when I boil the herbs to see if it could dominate the funny smell of soapnuts . Mom only wants the best for me but she also has this over-sensitive nose just as my ex . So far no one complains about my hair smells bad except for them two. I shared bed with my ex at that time so i gotta make sure she has nothing to complain . I was being a good kid , no hair experiences , no wash stretching . still she doubted my ability to wash my own hair . ( Yeah it's a she and I'm queer if you're wondering ). She asked me everytime we headed to bed if I washed my hair off really clean . Like so many people , she somehow believes that I don't have the strength and skill to wash my hair properly . I'm still puzzled over it . Hair washing ain't no rocket science neither gymnastic . I don't understand why people think it's too much for me >"< . Humanity is a mystery .


I agree, but some people with disabilities (specially where motor and coordination skills are involved) do have problems with washing their hair.
My brother, who is nonverbal and has down syndrome, has poor motor and coordination skills. He needs help with general hygiene.

[valkyrie90]

Yeah disabilities have various kinds . What really bugs me is people seem to be very ignorant about the type of level of my disability that cause them to have assumption that I can't accomplish things I definitely do . That's what able-bodied people do that really annoy me . It hurts more when it's somebody who is dear to my heart as my family and my partner . The ones who need help will ask for help . I'm always amazed with what my fellow disabled are capable of . I'm sorry if what I said sounds like I look down on those who need help with general hygiene . I never mean it that way . I just trying to make a point that people tend to act like all the disable folk are the same which is not true .

[Wildcat Diva]

I think also probably that some people are scared or feel awkward to ask so they assume. I think it's better to just be direct and ask kindly and directly if it's appropriate to (instead of assume), or just don't concern self if it's not (if it's none of your concern).

[Alibran]

I don't wanna loose length and the bleached ends is barely noticeable unless people take a closer look . But my mom ( yeah my mom again >"< ) said it looks horribly damaged . does it look anything like that to you ? except for the weird color which is faded bleached color . I think it's healthy enough to keep but not so confident...

I think your mom is just desperate for you to cut your hair for reasons that have nothing to do with you or your hair and everything to do with her insecurities/prejudices/judgemental attitude ... or whatever reason, but I don't think it's anything to do with you.

[lapushka]

I agree, but some people with disabilities (specially where motor and coordination skills are involved) do have problems with washing their hair.
My brother, who is nonverbal and has down syndrome, has poor motor and coordination skills. He needs help with general hygiene.

That would include me. I have a disability (legs, not paralyzed but severely affected), and my arms/hands are affected too, but not to the point of being disabled there. But I need my hands to stabilize myself and to steady me, while my mom does my hair. I also have a high chair (literally a higher chair) nearby to sit on when it gets too much for me. It is a bit of a struggle, but we get it done! And thankfully it's only once a week. The rest of the week I just put my hair up into a bun, takes 10-15 seconds! It's worth the struggle once a week for that ease.

[Garnetgem]

First off let me say your hair is beautiful...and it is your hair and your choice,it makes you happy then forget what others opinion is,that is the opinion you have not asked them for..there is always someone who thinks its okay to comment on others be it hair or something else..

[hanne jensen]

Your hair is beautiful. If you like it long, keep it long. Tell your mother that a 58 year old woman in Denmark says so. This 58 year old Dane has hair beyond hip length is is creeping toward knee, so there are a lot of us long hairs out there.

[ShahMat]

I've been mostly lurking around on the forum, but I felt this post needed an answer.
Reading your post and all the bad things people said to you I knew, I knew, your hair in the picture was going to look fine as hell. Hair shaming seems to get worse the better your hair looks, people tend to get sooo jealous around long, healthy, natural hair, since they don't know how/don't have the patience to grow it themselves. I also think your disability plays a role in the hair shaming too, as if you shouldn't feel entitled to have pretty hair because some other part of your body doesn't function properly (and yes, that's kinda F'd up).
As pretty much anyone has said before, your hair looks beautiful and healthy, and if you're the one that takes care of it, you should definitely keep it if it makes you happy.
I wish you a happy growing (and highly recommend you to come up with a list of clever comebacks just in case) :o

[truepeacenik]

I look at it this way, if you do 90 percent of the care, it's on you.

Same as with a person newly learning hair care skills.
I let my Kiddo grow hair as long as all I had to do was detangle once a day. The rest was on my kid to do.
My kiddo was born male, and wore long hair all but two years from birth to age 21. Regretted every cut that went above shoulders.

[RetroRapunzel]

Hi there! I'm a newer user, but I definitely wanted to respond. This thread really speaks to me as well.
I work in a bridal salon, and recently my boss suggested I should cut "at least a foot" off my hair, which really upset me. It's the first time someone has suggested my long hair looks silly. I'm at the point where I can sit on the tip of it, to give you an idea of how long it is.

I also don't curl it (or use any hot tools for that matter) so it's either completely straight (my natural hair) or wavy from a braid when I go to work.

Ever since she said that I've worn it in a bun to work :(

[Aredhel]

Hi there! I'm a newer user, but I definitely wanted to respond. This thread really speaks to me as well.
I work in a bridal salon, and recently my boss suggested I should cut "at least a foot" off my hair, which really upset me. It's the first time someone has suggested my long hair looks silly. I'm at the point where I can sit on the tip of it, to give you an idea of how long it is.

I also don't curl it (or use any hot tools for that matter) so it's either completely straight (my natural hair) or wavy from a braid when I go to work.

Ever since she said that I've worn it in a bun to work :(

We sound like we have the same hair. I wear my hair in a bun most of the time as to not draw attention to it too... and to keep it protected. Don't pay your boss any mind though, most people who aren't used to long hair think that anything longer than waist is "too long".:rolleyes:

[Quiet Sky]

What gorgeous hair! Don't cut it! I gave in to pressure to cut mine and regret it. I wish I could have set my foot down and not let it wear me down. Like you, my mom was the biggest shamer. She always made comments about long hair being "unmodern" and how it was "too heavy" and "made my face look thin". It's still pretty long now but it has been a setback to my goals.

[MusicalSpoons]

Hi there! I'm a newer user, but I definitely wanted to respond. This thread really speaks to me as well.
I work in a bridal salon, and recently my boss suggested I should cut "at least a foot" off my hair, which really upset me. It's the first time someone has suggested my long hair looks silly. I'm at the point where I can sit on the tip of it, to give you an idea of how long it is.

I also don't curl it (or use any hot tools for that matter) so it's either completely straight (my natural hair) or wavy from a braid when I go to work.

Ever since she said that I've worn it in a bun to work :(

Hopefully this thread will help you stand firm in doing what you want with your hair :flower:

The best comeback for your boss will be if you wear your hair up all the time for months, then one day 'just have to' redo it, revealing your beautiful hair flowing to your mid-thigh/knees (however long you want) :cool: :wink:

[RetroRapunzel]

Thank you for these responses!!! Truly so helpful and encouraging. MusicalSpoons I completely agree with you.... I think that I need to keep it up for awhile and then at some point (on a freshly washed day :) ) show it off. Lol!

I also just recently learned how to do a wrap bun just using one single stick, and it's AMAZINGLY secure— truly, I could not believe it! I have very thin hair, and I thought it would slip and slide apart...but the hair sticks are officially a game changer. So easy to do in the morning (even when wet) and soooo pretty. Off to the hair toy threads I go! Lol! :)

[valkyrie90]

Thank you for these responses!!! Truly so helpful and encouraging. MusicalSpoons I completely agree with you.... I think that I need to keep it up for awhile and then at some point (on a freshly washed day :) ) show it off. Lol!

I also just recently learned how to do a wrap bun just using one single stick, and it's AMAZINGLY secure— truly, I could not believe it! I have very thin hair, and I thought it would slip and slide apart...but the hair sticks are officially a game changer. So easy to do in the morning (even when wet) and soooo pretty. Off to the hair toy threads I go! Lol! :)

It seems like this thread do a great job of boosting your hair confident . Go kick some ass with your amazing hair then keep us posted with your boss's reaction . You go girl !

[lapushka]

Thank you for these responses!!! Truly so helpful and encouraging. MusicalSpoons I completely agree with you.... I think that I need to keep it up for awhile and then at some point (on a freshly washed day :) ) show it off. Lol!

I also just recently learned how to do a wrap bun just using one single stick, and it's AMAZINGLY secure— truly, I could not believe it! I have very thin hair, and I thought it would slip and slide apart...but the hair sticks are officially a game changer. So easy to do in the morning (even when wet) and soooo pretty. Off to the hair toy threads I go! Lol! :)

That's great that you've managed to do a bun. The lazy wrap is my go-to bun. I hardly do another bun because this one is so comfy for me. And uh... hairtoys? OMG. Watch out here she comes. LOL

[lunalocks]

Your hair looks beautiful! Thick and lovely hemline.

Grow your hair a s long as you wish. It's YOUR hair.