Mom who needs help dealing with son's long hair. Frustrated.

[kat12]

Mom of 3 boys here (15, 12, 10). So buzz cuts and short hair had been the common fare around my house for everyone until my 12 yo decided he wanted to grow his hair out a few years ago. His dad and I decided it really wasn't a big deal, plus we figured he would probably get tired of it or just end up with shaggy hair at the longest. He however wanted it truly long and to his credit,I suppose, has stuck it out.

While I haven't had anything that would be considered long hair in years I still have a good idea of basic care and have been trying to implement some of that with my son. I just don't have any experience raising a kid with long hair, especially a 12 year old boy who won't do anything I say simply because I said it. He fights me on tying it up, when he has to comb it, how to wash it, essentially everything. He's very fortunate he got great genes from his dad and a patient mom who is pretty persistent or he'd look like a disaster.


I can't figure out how to encourage him to do any of this without simply putting my foot down and having to fight him about everything. I thought maybe if I just let him deal with it on his own for a while he might start to do some of the stuff since I wasn't nagging him, but he is just clueless about long hair since he doesn't have sisters or even a mom with long hair, so I have had to start nagging again. There are more important battles to fight than combing his hair or whether he wears a ponytail at dinner or not, but it is frustrating.

I honestly prefer he just cut it, but it's not the end of the world, he likes it and he does have a nice head of hair. I just wish he'd take care of it so it looks nice and wear it up at least when it's necessary. Sorry for the rambling, but this has been nagging at me for a few weeks and I haven't found or come up with anything useful. I was wondering if anyone on here might have some experience and be able to provide advice? I thought people here would at least have good experience with long and might be more likely to have experience dealing with boys and long hair. Thanks! Kat

[Anje]

Honestly, I'd start with supplying him with however much conditioner he wants (most longhairs go through conditioner much faster than shampoo, and they're not all equal so he is likely to have preferences) and a quality seamless wide-tooth comb. (I've got one of these (https://eternallyinamber.com/collections/travel-size-combs/products/classiceia-detangling-comb-travel-size-handmade-mens-grooming-beauty) and it's fantastic.) My parents instilled into me at that age that hair should be pulled back around food, and I don't think that's a bad rule. If he's anything like I was (then and now), he'll respond better to things like that if you give him reasons like "so you don't get hair into other people's food" than he will to simple dictates.

Is his hair straight, wavy, curly? A lot of how it's best handled depends on that. For example, it's really best to brush/comb curly hair only minimally and usually when it's wet and saturated with conditioner. Otherwise it breaks and gets super frizzy.

[lapushka]

Get him a Tangle Teezer to help detangle his hair. Don't get a knock-off, get the real thing; it's life-changing for a brush and especially handy for a 12 year old boy. It will make things a lot easier (no tugging on the scalp, so he'll comb).

[neko_kawaii]

Also, if your idea of hair is either stick straight or perfectly curled, wavy hair is going to look unkempt.

I have a son a few years younger than yours with shoulder length hair. Like myself at that age, he has no interest in either wearing it up or combing it regularly, and he hates to wash it. I remember that age, so I only have a few rules. If his scalp is smelly, it gets washed. I use a leave in conditioner in it and comb it for him while it is still damp. The leave in seems to have solved most of our tangle issues and he doesn't have to comb it every day. I just have to roll my eyes that he cut bangs because it was getting in his face and he won't wear a ponytail. It's his hair and he isn't cooking yet.

[kat12]

Thanks for your replies! I guess for more information since that makes a difference, his hair is definitely on the straighter side, though not stick straight, and probably a bit thicker than average. As far as length it's definitely past his shoulders with his bangs just a bit beyond his shoulders and then some longer layers working their way down his back a bit.

He can be difficult to reason with but I'll definitely redouble my efforts to explain why I'm asking him to do things. I'll definitely make sure he has enough conditioner now and that he should use plenty. He has have a decent comb based on that picture but I hadn't thought of getting him tangle teaser to help, and will definitely give that a try, and maybe the leave in conditioner if that doesn't work.

Perhaps I do have false expectations on some level, but I do get that it's not always going to be super neat. It just gets quite tangled since he is very active and it's always loose. It also bothers me that it is always in his face, but I maybe I should leave that be if he is OK with it outside of meals.

[Anje]

For hair being in his face, maybe he needs some alternative methods of keeping it back, maybe that fit his ideas of masculinity? I've seen lots of baseball caps and bandanas tied "hippy-style" across the forehead employed by guys for that purpose. Like this. (http://guyslonghair.com/wp-content/gallery/tennis-players-with-long-hair/juan_carlos_ferrer_pat_rafter_tennis_player_long_h airstyle.jpg) He might need to be shown how? Lots of soccer players go with an elastic headband in a similar position. (http://static.pinkisthenewblog.com/uploads/2011/03/031611_becksheadbandfeat.jpg)

[Entangled]

For hair being in his face, maybe he needs some alternative methods of keeping it back, maybe that fit his ideas of masculinity? I've seen lots of baseball caps and bandanas tied "hippy-style" across the forehead employed by guys for that purpose. Like this. (http://guyslonghair.com/wp-content/gallery/tennis-players-with-long-hair/juan_carlos_ferrer_pat_rafter_tennis_player_long_h airstyle.jpg) He might need to be shown how? Lots of soccer players go with an elastic headband in a similar position. (http://static.pinkisthenewblog.com/uploads/2011/03/031611_becksheadbandfeat.jpg)
Unfortunately hats and bandannas are banned at many schools, though headbands will work.

[MsPharaohMoan]

I wonder if he dislikes detangling because he finds it painful? It might be helpful to use a detangler and start combing from the bottom up (starting from the top just tightens any knots).

[Wildcat Diva]

I got all kinds of long haired dudes at my place. They will ponytail and wear a ball cap. That's about it. Buns never make it out the house. Husband did let me do a Hawser braid on him a couple of times.

I did have to stop my eldest from brushing so much. He's curly and it frizzed. Had to advise about shampooing strategies (no piling or scrubbing) and also how he needed to use scrunching to dry it. He's still not big on leave in conditioners. I did get him set down under a heat cap with a deep conditioner the other day. Husband too. Can sneak in some oils but I'm expected to play the "stylist." For husband this is pampering.

We do own a lot of tangle teezers. A few brushes that get fought over. Non metal ponytail elastic get purchased often.

Husband is a state employee who is allowed to have long hair at his job. He ponytails it. It's getting so long and curly though, I'm advising him now to just comb the canopy and nape to the ears and pony, not needed to comb through all the curls. He has zero patience in the morning and hair is a hot mess. A satin pillowcase helps. Sometimes we try a side braid for sleeping, but honestly, it's me who does those things for them occasionally only. If I don't it's like whatever.

Sons are homeschooled so there is no regulations on hair with that. Eldest son just decided that he wants extra money so he does a busboy shift with a ponytail and a cap.

Every once in a while, I'll attack my middle son with a comb.

As far as what I expect from them with their hair care, my standards are pretty low and I'm ok with that. That's no real advice you can use, is it? Sorry about that.

Look at that expression on the son in the middle of the picture below who is twelve. Do you think I have a chance to make him do anything really? Good luck. He does get me to shave the sides of his Mohawk, so at least that gets kept up. That one just tells me how much he thinks that his hair is more silky than mine, little smarty pants.

Also, I discovered that all three of my sons had a mild case of lice last year (which is not due to any hygiene issue) from from some friends, so that was a fun experience (NOT!) trying to deal with that with mostly long haired boys. (In the left there, that's the back of my husband's hair in the pic, too!)

http://i1083.photobucket.com/albums/j386/janineevans/C59B03EF-0EC0-49A6-B607-55D6E7331DC8_zpshzlaj16i.png

[Mrstran]

I'm stuck just like you. Except it's my hubby. He wanted to grow out his hair and started just after I did. Well while mine I keep smooth, combed, tied up and not to mention well cared for, he is just destroying his. His hair is always in a matted mess in the back of his head. I always have to tell him to comb it. He will even leave the house like that! When I catch him and hand him a comb, he rakes through it. After, he slathers it in coconut oil thinking that it will just magically fix whatever damage he just did.

I tell him over and over how to take care of it and he wonders why the back of his hair isn't growing. :smack:

I get the frustration even though our situations aren't exactly the same. If I figure out how to solve this, I'll be back and let you know.

[Ophidian]

I got all kinds of long haired dudes at my place. They will ponytail and wear a ball cap. That's about it. Buns never make it out the house. Husband did let me do a Hawser braid on him a couple of times.

I did have to stop my eldest from brushing so much. He's curly and it frizzed. Had to advise about shampooing strategies (no piling or scrubbing) and also how he needed to use scrunching to dry it. He's still not big on leave in conditioners. I did get him set down under a heat cap with a deep conditioner the other day. Husband too. Can sneak in some oils but I'm expected to play the "stylist." For husband this is pampering.

We do own a lot of tangle teezers. A few brushes that get fought over. Non metal ponytail elastic get purchased often.

Husband is a state employee that is allowed to have long hair at his job. He ponytails it. It's getting so long and curly though, I'm advising him now to just comb the canopy and nape to the ears and pony, not needed to comb through all the curls. He has zero patience in the morning and hair is a hot mess. A satin pillowcase helps. Sometimes we try a side braid for sleeping, but honestly, it's me who does those things only. If I don't it's like whatever.

Sons are homeschooled so there is no regulations on hair with that. Eldest son just decided that he wants extra money so he does a busboy shift with a ponytail and a hat.

Every once in a while, I'll attack my middle son with a comb.

As far as what I expect from them with their hair care, my standards are pretty low and I'm ok with that. That's no real advice you can use, is it? Sorry about that.

Also, I discovered that all three of my sons had a mild case of lice last year (which is not due to any hygiene issue) from from some friends, so that was a fun experience (NOT!) trying to deal with that with mostly long haired boys. (In the left there, that's the back of my husband's hair in the pic, too!)

http://i1083.photobucket.com/albums/j386/janineevans/C59B03EF-0EC0-49A6-B607-55D6E7331DC8_zpshzlaj16i.png

Wildcat love the picture of your dudes :)

[Obsidian]

This might be the unpopular opinion but if he wont keep it combed and somewhat respectable looking, I would cut it. When I was about that age, I wouldn't comb my hair enough and it would knot at the nap. My mom would have to hold me down to brush out the knots, we both hated it. Eventually she just cut it off right above my shoulders. Best decision ever, easier on her and taught me that if I don't take care of things I want, I loose it.

I'd flat out tell him that you are willing to compromise if he is. You'll let him do whatever he wants with his hair while he is outside the house but when he is home, you expect it to be combed and tied back when eating. If he isn't willing to meet you half way, tell him you are making a appointment to get it cut.

[Wildcat Diva]

Thanks, Ophidian! They are all TOO MUCH try to rein in, for sure. But mostly good kids.

OP, you could try rewarding him somehow to reinforce when he pays attention to his hair the way you want. Problem is that praise is somewhat likely to backfire at this age.

I always hear with the hygiene issues with boys, that once they find interest in dating that this will take care of the problem. I think that's mostly showering, but it could be hair concerns too.

He may also need a wide toothed seamless comb for help with detangling. You could give him one as a gift.

[Wildcat Diva]

If this video didn't have cussing in it (and beer consumption), it would be pretty funny to show him how he should keep his hair back and why.

It also advertises a product but it's a pretty humorous video.

Maybe there's something out there more tame.
I did have to share this on principle of general entertainment for us all. So:

https://youtu.be/IHs_1S1xJns

This channel does seem committed to supporting men with long hair, and the fellow in the video addressed in another video, a letter from a mom with a seven year old who was getting bullying for his long hair. He was really encouraging and supportive. Maybe he will have some suggestions or can interface some encouragement to him through you... you know that to kids nowadays, "youtubers" are supercool.

[Deborah]

I agree with Obsidian. Until he is willing to take proper care of it, the boy is too young to have long hair. Have it cut short. Tell him that if he wants to grow it long again, he can only do so if he is willing and able to take good care of it. Remind him that wearing it long is a privilege, not a right.

[starfire]

Maybe I am missing the point entirely, but I would just let him be unless he's complaining about something and/or seeking advice. Or if his school has certain rules about hair that he needs to follow. For my own son, as long as it's clean, I'm pretty much okay with anything. When he was in junior high, he went to a school with very strict rules on hair length and style. During these years, he kept it short and had to comb/brush it daily. But now that these school rules don't apply, he rarely combs (his hair is short, though, by his choice). Sometimes I will notice that he has some hair sticking up, but he doesn't care and I don't say anything. If it doesn't bother him, it doesn't bother me!

If you are concerned that his hair will get tangled/knotted if he doesn't comb it: he will either maintain it well enough to avoid this problem or learn first hand that he needs to listen to you and comb on a regular basis. You've told him plenty of times and if he's choosing not to listen, he may just need to learn the hard way. So when it gets matted and needs to be cut, he's going to get a hair cut and you'll have your wish of him having short hair!

I think there are bigger battles to take on when raising kids. General appearance is the least of my concerns. Just my two cents.

[neko_kawaii]

I agree with Obsidian. Until he is willing to take proper care of it, the boy is too young to have long hair. Have it cut short. Tell him that if he wants to grow it long again, he can only do so if he is willing and able to take good care of it. Remind him that wearing it long is a privilege, not a right.

Curious how you react when women complain that their parents forced them to have short hair cuts as kids?


Sometimes I will notice that he has some hair sticking up, but he doesn't care and I don't say anything. If it doesn't bother him, it doesn't bother me!


My son often wears his shirts inside-out and/or backwards. I say, "Your shirt is inside out, if you care." Sometimes he changes it, sometimes he doesn't care, sometimes it was intentional. His shirt being inside out doesn't interfere with his learning. When he wears socks, they are always mismatched. I learned that one when he was a toddler. Socks are not meant to match! He isn't here to decorate my world any more than I am here to decorate his.

[Deborah]

"Curious how you react when women complain that their parents forced them to have short hair cuts as kids?" (quote by neko kawaii)

If the parent's complaint is (1) that the child refuses to take good care of their hair, and (2) fights the parent over it, then I say the same thing. Cut it short until the child can and will take proper care of their hair.

[Kaya]

I got nothing in terms of advice, but if you are looking to get a Tangle Teezer and your kid is a fan of Star Wars, they just released two themed compact teezers.

http://www.thekesselrunway.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/tangleteezer_starwarshairbrush1-800x533.jpg

http://www.thekesselrunway.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/02/tangleteezer_starwarshairbrush3-800x533.jpg

Might encourage him to use it. Plus, since they're compact, they come with covers, so less chance of bent bristles.

[ghanima]

Not strictly hair-related but there's this fantastic book I owe my sanity to, 'How to talk to kids so that they listen'. I couldn't recommend it enough. There's a correlation between how you say things and how they'll be received, especially with kids and teen-agers. The first times I applied the suggestions of the book I would be jaw-dropped to see my son say, ok, and then do the things I asked without a bleep. Amazing, I tell you.

Anyway my son is 12 yo too and sports shoulder-length hair. I don't have particular problems, but that's also because he's a lucky dude with preternaturally easy hair. He washes them once a week or even every second week with whatever shampoo I put under his nose, and detangles them sometimes with my Tek wooden brush. It works for his hair better than the tangle teezer, super-recommended. That's it. He seems not to need any conditioner, also because shoulder-length isn't too long. Sometimes we do vinegar and water rinses, my husband sold it to him somehow, with some chemistry jargon and the idea, which proved to be true, that with vinegar he can go longer between washes. My husband cuts his hair, every now and then, as needed.

[pili]

At twelve, boys are starting to come into awareness of their bodies, forcing a cut on a twelve year old is not the same as cutting the hair of a five year old. I was forced to cut my hair as a child and hated it. I still hate it 37 years later. Don't. Do. It.

My 10yo has APL hair and he and I are growing it together. I find science and chemistry to be more convincing than appearance arguments with him. He lets me ponytail it and even braid it. It helps that one of his friends has waist length hair he wears in a braid.

[Dewdrop]

I also agree with Obsidian. I have two little brothers I take care of, 7 and 11 years old. If they don't take care of something they have, I either take it away or if they really want to keep it, we'll make an Official Agreement. I write down what I expect and they write down what they expect and we (all) sign. If they go back on their word I will show them the agreement three times to remind them, after that it's gone. It's reciprocal by the way, e.g. my oldest bro wants me to come to his soccer practice, we made an agreement about that. So far it works. Oldest loves long hair but he didnt take care of it. We made an agreement that he could keep it if he brushed every day, shampooed every third day and made sure it looked okay. He still didn't take care of it. Eventually I told him we were going to the hairdresser. Because of the rules I showed him he doesn't take care of it and he didn't sulk too much because he knew he was in the wrong.
He is free to try again when it grows back. It's not forever, but now he hasn't shown that he's willing to be responsible for it right now.
I'm not saying my way is the only way! Of course every style is different. You want to make them happy, and their body is their own. But on the other hand, I do believe a parent/caretaker is responsible to cultivate a sense of responsibility in their child. And it bothers you enough at least to make a post here.

[lunalocks]

Frankly, I would stop telling him what to do. So what if his hair is not in the greatest shape. It's his hair. In teenagers and pre teens hair care would fall under the general category of hygiene and can be treated just as frequent enough showering is treated. If it's clean most of the time, that's good enough.

If the issue is having it hang down where it's not appropriate (wedding, church, school etc.) give him some coated bands or strips of tee shirt and calmly say it has to be tied back.

You might put together some things like conditioner, detangler and a tangle teezer, a wide toothed comb and some shampoo he usually uses with an note - "maybe you would like to use some of this stuff." You could offer to have him read the guys thread here. Pull it up and say, "Hey there's a guys thread here, want to see?"

And it wouldn't hurt to have him "accidentally" overhear you telling someone else how proud you are of his tenacity, something like "DS sure has stuck to his plan to grow his hair long. That first stage is always the hardest, but he stuck it out and I'm proud of him."

I second the recommendation of the book "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk". It's a good one.

[gthlvrmx]

I was a young boy who decided to grow my hair out and my parents didn't like it, but I did it anyways. What I feel might be a good approach is to give him freedom, allow him to let him do what he wants to his hair as long as it's safe, he is happy, and he is not harming anyone else and himself. That's all that really matters.

About cleanliness, maybe suggest he clean his scalp at least if it smells bad or is dirty. That's about it of what I can think of right now.

[kat12]

Thank you very much for all of your replies.:) There are a lot of different opinions here. After reading everyone's thoughts and giving it some thought I think, for me any way, I feel best about sitting down with him and working out some very basic expectations if he's going to keep his hair long that are realistic and going from there. I'll definitely make sure he's got everything he needs to take care of it, I hadn't thought of some of the suggestions here, so thanks. I appreciate all the advice though, even if some of it doesn't feel quite like the best fit for me and how I have done things with my family. It helps to get advice from some people with first hand experience, and it's kinda reassuring that everyone's experience is a bit different too.

[RavenRose]

My son is 12- prefers long hair, but at the moment has it short. His hair is ultra fine tangle prone and wouldn't listen to us about washing, conditioner or basic detangling. One day last summer we told him he needed to comb it (it was just above APL)- Apparently he couldn't get the tangles out, so he just cut a 4" circle off the back of his head. He was devastated when I took him to get it fixed, and ended up with a 1" crew cut.

Now it is about 3-4" long shaggy and greasy, wont let me trim up the mullet, still won't wash, condition or comb it. Rolls his eyes and stomps if we so much as suggest he take care of it.
*Sigh*

[kat12]

Just wanted to say thanks again! I was able to have a great conversation with my son about his hair this afternoon. :D I tried to use some of the suggestions here and it went quite well. I definitely scored some points by telling him I was proud of him for sticking with it even though I may not be a big fan and made sure he knows I'm just trying to help him have nice hair not annoy him or try get him to cut it. He seemed to be much more receptive to some of my advice after when we talked about why its important to take care of it. We also set some basic rules that he was ok with: wearing it up at home with meals and when he is studying, combing every night, and washing at least once a week. I also tried to make sure that he knows I support him with it and am willing to help him. We'll see how it goes, but things are much less contentious now so I'm optimistic. Thanks!

[pili]

That's great kat12!!

[EdG]

That is very cool, kat12! :)

Wildcat Diva - you have the coolest family. :cool:
Ed

[RavenRose]

I am glad your son was so receptive! =)

[lapushka]

Good news, kat12. I'm glad he's so good about it all. I hope he continues to do good, because teens tend to slack a bit. ;)

[ghanima]

Oh well done! you really found the right way to get through to him! He's a lucky chap to have you as his mom. I really loved the way you took the bounce with this!

[Wildcat Diva]

That is very cool, kat12! :)

Wildcat Diva - you have the coolest family. :cool:
Ed


Thank you, Ed. I will remember that when I deal with family related exasperation and I am sure (truly!) that that will help.

Congrats on your nice talk with the kiddo, OP.

[lapushka]

Yes, I somehow missed the picture the first go-around! You have 4 "cool" blonde dudes there, WD. :thumbsup:

[ghanima]

yeah a family of rockers! super-cool! plenty of attitude!

[colin]

Very cool! Wish my mom had let me grow my hair out when I was younger. Just encourage him and give him some compliments when combs it, wears it back or whatever and support him and he'll come around I bet.

[Laura-Jane]

Hello Kat12,
I'm happy that you found a way to communicate the need for hair care to your son!
12 is an age where most teenagers want to be able to decide and manage things alone without Mom or Dad.
I would suggest you refer him to hair care sites online, for example there are a number of videos on hair care for long haired boys/ men on youtube and certainly other resources, too.
If you find a magazine article/ magazine which takes up the topic of long hair for boys/ men, hairstyles for long haired boys/ men, hair care, personal experiences and advice from boys/ men with long hair etc., I would buy these and leave them "casually" in the bathroom (anyway, in my family we used to read everything that other people left in the bathroom...).
Perhaps he can also find a community/ site where he can engage in a discussion about long hair for boys/ men himself (including care routines and hair styles/ "men buns" etc.). This might lead to a greater interest in maintaining his hair care himself.
I would establish a very small number of essential rules and give advice/ ideas on how to facilitate them such as
- wash hair at least twice a week,
- comb hair thoroughly every evening and morning,
- tie back hair in situations A, B, C (for example around food etc.).

You might also refer him to athletes or musicians etc. with long hair who tie it back in certain situations. Sometimes idols help.

When I was 9, I developed a tangled knot above my neck because my parens did not supervise my brushing and I believed brushing the upper hairs would suffice. It took two painful hours to detangle that knot (my mother did this while I was holding still) and from that day on I made sure to also brush overhead. If there are similar stories in your (extended) family you might tell him those in order to emphasize proper hair care routine.

Best wishes from
Laura-Jane

[Reyesuela]

Good for you! I have chopped an inch off one of my kids' hair when she wouldn't brush it daily. After many, many rounds of fighting, I let her know that every day that she disobeyed be, she could kiss an inch goodbye. It happened exactly once. Lol.