Tokki
July 2nd, 2016, 01:07 AM
Hello, everyone. Lately, I have been dealing with mental health issues (anxiety, depression, and Borderline Personality Disorder). The one that I feels relates most to my hair impulses is BPD, because part of the disorder involves struggling with your sense of self. Currently, I have dark golden blonde hair that goes past my tailbone. In some respects, I would like to keep it because it's a consistent part of my identity (people recognize me for it, frequently comment on it, and so on). But I also experience mental breakdowns and identity problems that make me want to alter my hair.
First off, back to depression. Sometimes, depression makes it hard to get out of bed or feel motivated to do much, which means I'll go days without washing my hair. From what I've read on the forums, it's better not to wash your hair every day anyway, and I've also read about some people who think the best option is to not wash it at all. But personally I feel disgusted with myself if I go for long periods of time without washing my hair (even if I pull it back or use dry shampoo). The other day, I was out with a guy and hadn't washed my hair in a few days, and he kept saying things like, "Why does your hair look so dark? It's gotten way darker! Why is it like that now?" I tried to keep him off my back by saying it was from staying indoors, but he kept being persistent and questioning me about it, which made me anxious and annoyed me to the point where I started getting intrusive thoughts about just cutting it all off myself.
Secondly, a part of me wants to dye my hair, but my mom is against it, even though I am no longer a minor. She won't let me do my whole head, but last year, she agreed to let me dip dye the ends, until at the last minute she told me she didn't want me to anymore because 1 - I wanted purple dye and 2 - the salon was charging too much for it. Today, I was feeling depressed about being unable to go to an event because my friends abandoned me, and thought maybe I should turn a negative situation into a positive one by changing up my look and doing something to look/feel cute. I found some copper red hair dye that my mom bought and opened but never used. After watching Youtube tutorials, I figured out how I could dip dye my hair DIY style. Once again, she said it was okay for me to do it, and this time, I thought she really meant it since I wasn't spending money on a salon or buying new dye, plus copper is less flashy than purple and goes nicely with my golden hair. But then when I was about to do it, she started complaining about it again, stopped me from doing it, and I felt extremely discouraged. Again, this caused "intrusive hair cutting thoughts" to flare up, as well as other thoughts like, "Why do I even bother with trying to make my hair pretty? All I do is stay in my room anyway."
And thirdly, sometimes I just want short hair thinking it'll make me more cute. I don't find my long hair attractive anymore sometimes... other times, I like it. I wonder if short hair suits my image more, but then again, I have more than one image of myself (this is in relation to the disorders I mentioned before). I like short hair, particularly unnaturally colored short hair, and sometimes I think a short hairstyle would look cute on me since I have kind of an "androgynous" look, minus the extremely feminine-looking long blonde hair. I admire people with this look and save photos of them on Pinterest. I've tried on short wigs before, and I like how they look on me, but I like my long hair, too. And other times, I enjoy that Disney princess/magical girl feeling that I get from having long blonde hair, and often get reactions like, "You look like Sailor Moon!" "You remind me of Rapunzel!" "Are you a mermaid?" even from random strangers, and it's kind of sweet, especially from younger kids.
Anyway, the reason I listed my disorders at the beginning is basically so that if anyone is familiar with them, they might know where I'm coming from. (I am being treated for them, though) But even if you don't have them, maybe you've had similar feelings as well? I want to know if I should convince myself to keep my hair the way it is, or make some alterations to my hair (and if so, what kind)? I thought dip dying my hair could be kind of like a compromise (if I hate it that badly, I can always snip the ends off and still have plenty of hair to spare), but I feel conflicted about that, too. If I get it done professionally, they'll overcharge, but if I do it at home, my mom thinks I'll mess it up, plus she really doesn't want me doing it at all. And then part of me wonders if I should go after that ideal aesthetic I have in mind (the short cute androgynous cut) but I feel like my mom will very likely object to that, too, especially if I want the "full package" (dying it an unnatural color, too). I could probably get away with the cutting, but not the dying (since I'd want my whole head dyed if I got a short haircut). I'm just scared that changing my hair will make me lose more of my identity, but at the same time, I want to like how I look, and think maybe changing my hairstyle would actually be a good thing. And this is the type of hair I've most of my life. It's not that I hate how it looks but sometimes I wonder if something different would just look better. I have been suffering extreme low self-esteem problems due to issues with my friends, and sometimes I think "new look, new me" might boost my confidence instead of basing my identity around having long blonde hair and always hiding behind it. Has anyone else felt like this before, and do you have ideas on how I can deal with this? Thank you so much.
First off, back to depression. Sometimes, depression makes it hard to get out of bed or feel motivated to do much, which means I'll go days without washing my hair. From what I've read on the forums, it's better not to wash your hair every day anyway, and I've also read about some people who think the best option is to not wash it at all. But personally I feel disgusted with myself if I go for long periods of time without washing my hair (even if I pull it back or use dry shampoo). The other day, I was out with a guy and hadn't washed my hair in a few days, and he kept saying things like, "Why does your hair look so dark? It's gotten way darker! Why is it like that now?" I tried to keep him off my back by saying it was from staying indoors, but he kept being persistent and questioning me about it, which made me anxious and annoyed me to the point where I started getting intrusive thoughts about just cutting it all off myself.
Secondly, a part of me wants to dye my hair, but my mom is against it, even though I am no longer a minor. She won't let me do my whole head, but last year, she agreed to let me dip dye the ends, until at the last minute she told me she didn't want me to anymore because 1 - I wanted purple dye and 2 - the salon was charging too much for it. Today, I was feeling depressed about being unable to go to an event because my friends abandoned me, and thought maybe I should turn a negative situation into a positive one by changing up my look and doing something to look/feel cute. I found some copper red hair dye that my mom bought and opened but never used. After watching Youtube tutorials, I figured out how I could dip dye my hair DIY style. Once again, she said it was okay for me to do it, and this time, I thought she really meant it since I wasn't spending money on a salon or buying new dye, plus copper is less flashy than purple and goes nicely with my golden hair. But then when I was about to do it, she started complaining about it again, stopped me from doing it, and I felt extremely discouraged. Again, this caused "intrusive hair cutting thoughts" to flare up, as well as other thoughts like, "Why do I even bother with trying to make my hair pretty? All I do is stay in my room anyway."
And thirdly, sometimes I just want short hair thinking it'll make me more cute. I don't find my long hair attractive anymore sometimes... other times, I like it. I wonder if short hair suits my image more, but then again, I have more than one image of myself (this is in relation to the disorders I mentioned before). I like short hair, particularly unnaturally colored short hair, and sometimes I think a short hairstyle would look cute on me since I have kind of an "androgynous" look, minus the extremely feminine-looking long blonde hair. I admire people with this look and save photos of them on Pinterest. I've tried on short wigs before, and I like how they look on me, but I like my long hair, too. And other times, I enjoy that Disney princess/magical girl feeling that I get from having long blonde hair, and often get reactions like, "You look like Sailor Moon!" "You remind me of Rapunzel!" "Are you a mermaid?" even from random strangers, and it's kind of sweet, especially from younger kids.
Anyway, the reason I listed my disorders at the beginning is basically so that if anyone is familiar with them, they might know where I'm coming from. (I am being treated for them, though) But even if you don't have them, maybe you've had similar feelings as well? I want to know if I should convince myself to keep my hair the way it is, or make some alterations to my hair (and if so, what kind)? I thought dip dying my hair could be kind of like a compromise (if I hate it that badly, I can always snip the ends off and still have plenty of hair to spare), but I feel conflicted about that, too. If I get it done professionally, they'll overcharge, but if I do it at home, my mom thinks I'll mess it up, plus she really doesn't want me doing it at all. And then part of me wonders if I should go after that ideal aesthetic I have in mind (the short cute androgynous cut) but I feel like my mom will very likely object to that, too, especially if I want the "full package" (dying it an unnatural color, too). I could probably get away with the cutting, but not the dying (since I'd want my whole head dyed if I got a short haircut). I'm just scared that changing my hair will make me lose more of my identity, but at the same time, I want to like how I look, and think maybe changing my hairstyle would actually be a good thing. And this is the type of hair I've most of my life. It's not that I hate how it looks but sometimes I wonder if something different would just look better. I have been suffering extreme low self-esteem problems due to issues with my friends, and sometimes I think "new look, new me" might boost my confidence instead of basing my identity around having long blonde hair and always hiding behind it. Has anyone else felt like this before, and do you have ideas on how I can deal with this? Thank you so much.