Nooo! It happened again! (Co-worker touches hair)

[Kittee]

I cannot believe it. It's happened to me again.

My co-worker just came up behind me, stroked my hair then scratched my head like a dog.

What the heck.

I don't know if you guys remember about 2 years ago something similar happened to me lol. Why me? Why do people feel the need to stroke or pet me? haha.

*shivers* I feel so violated.

:run:


She'd been taking to tapping me on my shoulder while I wear headphones last couple weeks, which was creeping me out, but now, the line has been crossed! DANG!

Also ..she took it upon herself to wear my sweater I had draped over the back of my chair. I came in one morning and she said "I hope you don't mind, while you were out yesterday, I wore your sweater..."

Holy heck...pardon me?

Why do these things happen to me? I think it's the universe playing a cosmic joke on me and my OCD with personal space.

[hobbitgirl]

I must confess that I am guilty of a similar offence. Would you take offence to someone coming up behind you and scritching your back? I do that for a lot of the ladies in the office (some of whom are a bit older than me, and well...big and can't reach back there easily). I mean it in a friendly way.

[JessTheMess]

Awe Kittee..you are not the only one. At my last job, there was a girl who would come up to my desk and help herself to whatever I was snacking on, and then leave. strange...i know...
Where I would have shared if she had asked...I think I was most annoyed at the fact that she came to my desk and completely violated my sense of personal space by reaching over me. I thought it was a joke at first, until she came back in and did it a second time lol.

[taliarose]

IMHO if you feel that strongly tell her in the future you would apreciate her not doing that. Heck tell her she nearly gave you a heart attack becuase you didn't know she was there. :grouphug: I completely agree with you. I don't like having my personal space invaded. I think I've developed a vibe that tells people to back off though. Either that or I'm a lot more anti-social than I thought. Hmmmmm... Oh well hope the rest of your day goes smoother!

[rhysiana]

She wore your sweater while you were out?! That, in my mind, is far creepier than the head petting. (Though it definitely sounds like you two do not have the level of relationship where that would be considered normal by any means.) I would never touch another person's personal items at work. Especially in an open work space, that seems like such a violation of the little amount of personal space and privacy a person has. Ugh.

*completely non-physical supportive hug vibes*

[Chromis]

Going Ack! and swatting at her as if you thought you had a bug in your hair every time she touches you sounds like it might be more effective than reasoning with her. I think I recall you mentioning that you'd already told her you needed more personal space.

[Euphony]

I must confess that I am guilty of a similar offence. Would you take offence to someone coming up behind you and scritching your back? I do that for a lot of the ladies in the office (some of whom are a bit older than me, and well...big and can't reach back there easily). I mean it in a friendly way.
Ummm...I'm what you'd call a 'big' girl (100 pounds overweight) but I can reach my back with no problem...

Going Ack! and swatting at her as if you thought you had a bug in your hair every time she touches you sounds like it might be more effective than reasoning with her. I think I recall you mentioning that you'd already told her you needed more personal space.
Oh yeah, I think I'd do that if I were you!

[ClareDee]

Maybe you should mention it to her.

Personally I don't mind being touched in a friendly way at all. I don't mind people touching my back/shoulders/hair (unless it's someone I dislike doing it). I also do tend to do this to other people (friends, I mean) - and I would never guess that it bothered anyone unless they told me, or unless it was very obvious by how they shrank away from me or something :)

Unless you think it was a one-off, you should let her know. You could put it in a friendly non-blaming way and preface it with an indication that you don't find her creepy or repulsive: "I hope you don't mind, because I like you and I don't want bad feelings between us, but I don't really like being tapped or having my hair or my clothes touched. It's just a personal thing; it's how I am. I know you'll understand". That's how I would go about it, anyway.

Of course omit the "I like you" part if you don't, in fact, like her at all. I am just assuming you do. :shrug:

[Kittee]

Hehe I do like her. This is nothing new. I cannot stand anyone even my own mother touching me. The only person I like to touch me is my husband and I don't mean that in a dirty way.

I've always been this way lol. I'd never touch anyone else either.

Thanks for all the tips. I just needed to vent a bit. LOL

[Tabitha]

I can sympathise - I hate people touching me, including family. I think in your place I'd let out a loud squawk that would only be partly fake, and hope it embarrassed the perpetrator enough to discourage them from doing it again.

[heidi w.]

Well, if you're on a headphone (as in NOT on the phone and something like doing dictation), and if your space/cube is designed like most where the back is to the entry way, and you can't see her approach in such a scenario, it's not that odd to tap on someone's shoulder.

It does startle one though! Hence, I put up mirrors in my cube. I have little round mirrors that sit on a stand on my desk. Then I can see 2 things: who's approaching my space AND who's coming in and out amongst the path. This helps me with making sure my screen is displaying something appropriate when my boss shows up.

Wearing the sweater is a bit much, especially if she's not really your size. On the other hand, if she was truly stuck and absolutely freezing her tuschie, then it makes some sort of sense. (I would just NEVER do it. I think it's rude to go to someone elses space and use their stuff.) Maybe she SAID she wore it, but in actuality draped it over her shoulders to keep warm -- not that it makes a ton of difference.

Scratching the head thing, weird.

This person, in all honesty, sounds like an honest person and as though she likes you! I think you can find a way to let her know your comfort zone politely and sweetly, kinda like she is. I don't imagine she means anything malicious. I think a lot of other people may LIKE her way, and she just isn't aware that some people have a different sense of personal space.

I wouldn't come down heavy-handed exactly. What about something like,

I like you a lot, and I love that we get along so well. I need to ask, though, for you not to wear my office sweater if I'm out and well, to be honest, I'm just really uncomfortable with my hair being touched or head scratched, you know? [squirrel up your face, make sure your tone and body language and all is nice, as in kind]

If it bugs you that she taps you on the shoulder, what about:
I know my attention can be hard to get, but let's try and work out another way to get my attention.

Be sure to use the 'sandwich method': something you like or she does right, complaint, good thing again. Angle to work with her....that kind of style.

And if she goofs up a few more times, give her some generosity of spirit. You have to remember you have to work there, so getting overly assertive can spiral to a 'personality' issue, which you never want.

I honestly think she likes you, and I find her way kinda sweet.

I mean she could've worn the sweater and said nothing, but she didn't. She was straight with you. That's something about her character to note and use to your advantage when making your request, as in recognition of her basic personality quality.

heidi w.

[heidi w.]

Bell on desk, a small light one?

heidi w.

[SHELIAANN1969]

Awe Kittee..you are not the only one. At my last job, there was a girl who would come up to my desk and help herself to whatever I was snacking on, and then leave. strange...i know...
Where I would have shared if she had asked...I think I was most annoyed at the fact that she came to my desk and completely violated my sense of personal space by reaching over me. I thought it was a joke at first, until she came back in and did it a second time lol.


Maybe she was previously a kindergarden teacher, where whatever you bring, you have to share! ;)

[SHELIAANN1969]

I am sooooooo guilty of being an arm tapper/ patter.

If I needed someones attention and they had a headset/ headphones on I would tap them.

Or if I need to get by someone, in an enclosed space, and I KNOW I am going to have to touch them, I will lightly pat them and say, "Oh excuse me" while I am getting by.

Oh no, I never realized it might be irritated by it, ack! I am just a tappy, pokey, patting person. I bet they all hate me...whaaaaaaaa!

I am teasing (I am a patty, tappy, poker though) haha But I understand the irritation with the scratching, ick, it's like "hey man, I am NOT a pet"!! yuck, stroking, petting and scratching are NOT a part of office etiquette. UGH! :(

Between the strokers and the stinkers and the clothes borrowing invaders, your job is certainly lively!

[hobbitgirl]

Ummm...I'm what you'd call a 'big' girl (100 pounds overweight) but I can reach my back with no problem...

I think in their case it's a combination of age and size and some afflictions some of them have due to that. I've honestly never asked how much over they are, as I'm only 4'10.5" I'm a bad judge of sizes. Another example is my friend Joe who is of normal size but canno reach his back due to severe arthritis. In my mind I'm being friendly but perhaps I'm being invasive.

[Lamb]

The head scratching is weird. But there are people who were brought up like that, socialized with very little sense of personal space, or with very little boundaries as far as physical touch is concerned. It's nothing malicious, I agree with heidi w. here.
Do bring it up with her, nevertheless. Only make sure you smile while you explain to her, patiently and kindly, that you have issues with people (except your DH) touching you. Don't let her feel that her behavior is inappropriate. Just make her understand that to *you*, specifically, it is unwelcome. :flower:

[utdesertrunner]

Eeek that's a little strange, especially for her to wear your sweater. I don't feel comfortable wearing anyone else clothes without asking, even my husbands). The touching your hair would be annoying too, I'm not a touchy feely kind of person either. I think the jokingly swatting thing could be less hurtful. If that doesn't work then I would talk about it.

[Rain]

The few times things like this happen to me, I say, "Could you not do that? It's weird," and they usually laugh and stop. But they stop.

[CountessDeJager]

Maybe she was previously a kindergarden teacher, where whatever you bring, you have to share! ;)

:spitting: Nah, if she had been a kindergarten teacher she'd know the rule *not* to touch people's personal items because it could have lice. :o That assumption would solve the head patting problem too. :p

Yes, it is odd that she did those things, Kittee. Do let her know that although she means well the touching and unasked sharing is not good for you.

[Kittee]

lol all your responses were great. Some really had me giggling.

Thanks =) I'm prolly just going to let it slide and ignore it. I need to work on being more tolerant.

[LeaM07]

Heh, yeah, that is a little weird. I agree that she probably means well... maybe something silly, like waving your arms and saying something like, "Heyhey! Personal space! Not a puppy!"

Or you could just growl and bite her. :twisted:

[Tai Shan Fan]

The few times things like this happen to me, I say, "Could you not do that? It's weird," and they usually laugh and stop. But they stop.

Good answer.

[Kittee]

Or you could just growl and bite her. :twisted:


She might like that. LOL

[Marie99]

I think she likes you, but she doesn't have the same kind of boundaries you do. For example, I come from a large family and I grew up wearing whatever clothes were clean that day, more or less, and so I wasn't really concerned if they were my brother's jeans or my sister's socks or my mom's sweater. We shared everything. My sister is a few years younger than I am, and she had a box of my shoes and mom's shoes saved to grow into that we were bored with. Some of us are just like that.

The scratch was weird. Lots of us seem to have that your hair is a pet animal for all the world to play with experience.

And lots of people are touchy feely. You've got some good ideas about how to establish your boundaries.

[NiAosSi]

My co-worker touches my hair. Also, where I work (it's a bit crazy in there) we throw paper clips at one of my co-workers. She ALWAYS has her headphones on with loud music. We call her and she doesn't hear us. She is one of my closest friends there, though.I know we are on a deeper level, not only co-workers but friends, so that's a bit different.

Maybe, she really likes you and doesn't mean any harm by it. I agree with Heidi on being light-hearted about it. Good luck!

[Kitara]

I had a similar-ish experience a little while ago. I had my hair in a couple pigtails (yay for being long enough for that finally!) and my (male and creepy) boss came up and stood behind me. After a second he says, "You know, if you were my daughter I'd go like this!" He then grabs both ponytails and yanks them like he is trying to get a horse to trot or something. I just turned, gave him a dirty look and said, "Well i most certainly am not your daughter so that never needs to happen again."
Yup...hair has been left alone since then ;). Sometimes it takes more than a little hint.
(I should add, this was after several times of asking him not to invade my personal space, so I had no qualms about being a bit brusque with him.)

[spidermom]

You know how the cat always wants to sit on the lap of the person who hates cats? It's like that. I don't think I'd care in the least bit if somebody wore my sweater or touched my hair. So of course people don't do it; what fun would that be?

[LadyGunn]

I'm not a touchy-feely person either, unless they're kids. I can be covered in nieces & nephews - that's fine, but an adult? Nope.

Although... in high school, the church youth group's favourite past time seemed to be playing with & finger-combing my hair. Guys & girls both, but that didn't bother me. I kinda like my hair being played with, as long as it's a friend doing it. My cousin's youngest was playing with my hair a couple months ago & said she wanted me to chop all my hair off. Said it was because she wanted it! :p

[heidi w.]

I had a similar-ish experience a little while ago. I had my hair in a couple pigtails (yay for being long enough for that finally!) and my (male and creepy) boss came up and stood behind me. After a second he says, "You know, if you were my daughter I'd go like this!" He then grabs both ponytails and yanks them like he is trying to get a horse to trot or something. I just turned, gave him a dirty look and said, "Well i most certainly am not your daughter so that never needs to happen again."
Yup...hair has been left alone since then ;). Sometimes it takes more than a little hint.
(I should add, this was after several times of asking him not to invade my personal space, so I had no qualms about being a bit brusque with him.)

BWWAAHAHAHAAHAHA;A.....SO THAT NEVER NEEDS TO HAPPEN AGAIN!

Hilarious.


I mighta said, "So you wanna see my teeth?"

What an idiot! Great style, man!

heidi w.

[Lamb]

lol all your responses were great. Some really had me giggling.

Thanks =) I'm prolly just going to let it slide and ignore it. I need to work on being more tolerant.

I wouldn't. Honestly. It is not about tolerance when it irritates you so much. Irritation is a recipe for conflict and resentment, not tolerance and peace. You can still get along with this person without having your head scratched by her. Really. No scratching necessary! ;)

[Xanthippe]

I must confess that I am guilty of a similar offence. Would you take offence to someone coming up behind you and scritching your back? I do that for a lot of the ladies in the office (some of whom are a bit older than me, and well...big and can't reach back there easily). I mean it in a friendly way.

If I ask someone to scratch my back, I wouldn't be offended. But if someone came up behind me and scratched it I would probably jump up a foot and scream! I'm a no-touching-without-invitation person.

I understand you're personal space ideas, Kittee. I think the reason people don't do it more than once with me is because my natural instinct is to jerk away from them, yell, or step back. Sends a clear message of "don't touch me!" because I act startled. I know some people mean it in a friendly way (like a close friend I have who kisses everyone) but it's just not what I'm comfortable with. Guess I'm lucky that it's so immediately obvious that I'm not comfortable with it.

About the sweater, I think you should be more careful what you leave lying around from now on. Never know what might be borrowed next!

[Teilani]

You know how the cat always wants to sit on the lap of the person who hates cats? It's like that. I don't think I'd care in the least bit if somebody wore my sweater or touched my hair. So of course people don't do it; what fun would that be?

That sounds true to me. I take exception to having my personal space invaded, and tend to remember whenever it happens, vividly. When my hair was longer (and I will get it back to that length) there were some exceedingly oblivious people who were not able to intuit how inappropriate I found their freedom with my person. Happily, however, when I have let people know this, most have been very good about easing off.

[Kitara]

BWWAAHAHAHAAHAHA;A.....SO THAT NEVER NEEDS TO HAPPEN AGAIN!

Hilarious.


I mighta said, "So you wanna see my teeth?"

What an idiot! Great style, man!

heidi w.

Thanks! It was one of those rare time when I said what I was thinking rather than just hold it in. I try to keep the snark to a minimum at work ;).
Kittee I would say something, honestly. I'm sure she doesn't mean any offense by it, but you have a right to personal space and unmolested sweaters.

[NightDaemon]

I had a similar-ish experience a little while ago. I had my hair in a couple pigtails (yay for being long enough for that finally!) and my (male and creepy) boss came up and stood behind me. After a second he says, "You know, if you were my daughter I'd go like this!" He then grabs both ponytails and yanks them like he is trying to get a horse to trot or something. I just turned, gave him a dirty look and said, "Well i most certainly am not your daughter so that never needs to happen again."
Yup...hair has been left alone since then ;). Sometimes it takes more than a little hint.
(I should add, this was after several times of asking him not to invade my personal space, so I had no qualms about being a bit brusque with him.)

I admire your self-restraint, but then due to a few things over the years, my personal space bubble (the one that most people have at six inches or so) is about three feet. Hair grabbing, now that my hair is getting reasonably good and thus something to be protective of, is getting to be something I'm not too keen on...

[truepeacenik]

I had a volunteer at one job pet me...I froze... who would DO such a thing? I mentioned it to my boss, who also has long hair and she said, well, that's just Jon, he'll stop if he has a woman with him.
Seems he likes redheads (the boss and I ) so he takes his opportunities.
I spoke to him on the side (yay rank) and said that touching people was completely unacceptable.
I reminded him that I was WORKING and he could have caused an accident.

But I wore my hair up for months after.

[heidihug]

My boss's boss tugged on my braid one time at work, and I turned to him and said "The last person that did that got slugged. And it was my father-in-law." (true story) Boss's boss thought that was funny, but he never had touched my hair again. I was pretty mad, but I forgave him quickly enough. This happened in front of most of the rest of my department, so everyone knows that my hair is off limits.

A note - he and I knew each other before I started working here, so there was some friendliness and familiarity between us, or I think I would have had a harder time forgiving.

[rhubarbarin]

Ugh, boundary violations.

I don't like being touched by people and I've found a polite but firm 'I don't like to be touched - it makes me very uncomfortable. It's nothing to do with you as a person, but please don't do it' works pretty well. Of course, some people will think I am crazy, but they can think what they like as long as they stay 2 feet away.

Over the years it seems I've perfected an attitude that discourages people from flirting with me, touching me, or making personal remarks, because it almost never happens to me anymore. It's been hard to achieve the right balence (I don't want to be rude or very cold and distant with everyone), but lately people seem to think I'm a pretty nice person while somehow sensing that I'm not interested in their nonsense. Yay!

[misstwist]

I don't really like to be touched, but I have developed strategies and built some tolerance for touching. It really depends on the intimacy of the relationship.

We work at county fairs and town festivals and I get lots of people, usually women, trying to hug me. Not audience members, fairboard and festival committee members, usually toward the end of the event. I take the lead in offering a handshake when discussions are wrapping up.

At the nursing homes where we entertain I usually get petted by an old lady or two, that doesn't bother me. They are usually very touch deprived and they aren't grabby.

The entertainment business is also kinda kissy. Entertainer friends usually are greeted and bid good-by with cheek kisses. Entertainers I don't really know get the hand stuck out for shaking pretty quickly. I learned that after too many kisses from strangers.

Really, hugging bothers me much more than a quick kiss on the cheek. Kissing is much less body contact, but hugging seems to be a more widespread practice.

[vindo]

Maybe she ahs a crush on you :confused: ?

[Iphinoe]

I have accepted that drunk people who have never seen my hair down (i.e. in a ponytail instead of bunned) have to pick it up to marvel at it.

One coworker used to walk behind me and tug on my braid while I was on the phone with customers, so I'd squawk in surprise which didn't go over with the customer too well. I rarely wore it braided as a result.

I'd say tell her that you have an aversion to being touched by anyone but your husband.

[Xanthippe]

Maybe she ahs a crush on you :confused: ?

You know, that thought occurred to me too! I think it would depend on the tone of it though.

[WaimeaWahine]

Another way to avoid confrontation but solve the problem...

She scratches your head or touches your hair.

You say, "Oww!" Pretend she caught one of your hairs, hit a sensitive scalp area, etc... With the right look of pain it works wonders at keeping people from doing the same thing again.

My mom actually pulls that one in public sometimes with rude people who push past her. She's elderly. ;)

[SophieGrowGrow]

If I were you if she ever does it again scream, the trick is to make yourself seem crazier than her.