Boyfriend doesn't like when I wear buns

[Llama]

Deleting post

[Sarahlabyrinth]

It's a real shame that he doesn't like your hair in buns, but if you are telling him to shave off his facial hair, that is controlling behaviour. Tell him that you agree that he can wear his facial and head hair any way he pleases, and that you can also wear your hair any way you please. Tolerance and acceptance from both of you over these matters is a good thing... Why not have your hair in a bun most of the time, and have a special time or day you both agree to when you wear your hair the way he likes it?

BTW, you hair looks fabulous in your siggy pic, so you are obviously treating it right.

[Nadine <3]

It's a real shame that he doesn't like your hair in buns, but if you are telling him to shave off his facial hair, that is controlling behaviour. Tell him that you agree that he can wear his facial and head hair any way he pleases, and that you can also wear your hair any way you please. Tolerance and acceptance from both of you over these matters is a good thing... Why not have your hair in a bun most of the time, and have a special time or day you both agree to when you wear your hair the way he likes it?

BTW, you hair looks fabulous in your siggy pic, so you are obviously treating it right.

This. You can't expect him to shave off facial hair because you don't like it and then get offended when he tells you he doesn't like buns.

[Llama]

Deleting post.

[Llama]

Deleting post.

[Sarahlabyrinth]

Have you tried explaining why you wear it up? And that you appreciate that he likes it loose, but that by wearing it up it will be even more super and fabulous on the occasions that you wear it loose just for him and that he will be able to enjoy anticipating the special times you wear it down to show your appreciation of his likes?

[LauraLongLocks]

I agree with what has been said here already. Just because you already acted controlling in advance of him doesn't mean that your preference is somehow more virtuous than his. He retaliated after you continually disapproved of him.

My husband, of course, loves my hair worn down, but totally understands that it is impractical to do it all the time. So, on date nights I wear it down. That makes it fun and special.

[meteor]

First of all, I'm really sorry about the argument. :grouphug: I hope you and your boyfriend will make up soon! :flower:

Speaking generally, I'm not that surprised about the preference at all - strangely, I've literally never even heard of guys who prefer long hair to be hidden in buns rather than worn down. There probably are some who do prefer buns, but from what I see and hear - they either prefer it down or are polite/diplomatic enough to not say anything at all or say they don't care either way. Maybe male LHC-ers can weigh in on this. :D


I don't know, maybe I'm offended because he never told me and has been seeing me negatively for a long time. While I on the other hand told him the moment I saw what he did to his face- instead of hiding how I feel and secretly being grossed out for a year. I feel like it's different and I'm honestly not trying to be controlling. Maybe I'm just shocked and will get over his new look and learn to accept it? Idk...even if I found a different protective style to wear I wouldn't know until our next fight if he didn't like it. We don't fight very often.

The thing is, he has a right to have a preference and to voice it or not to voice it, and maybe he didn't want to say anything because it simply isn't important or he knows you want to protect/grow your hair and agrees with your general plan or he was worried you'd feel offended by it. It appears that what triggered him to say something about his own preference was when you expressed your displeasure with his choice of facial hair. Maybe he got upset just because it's about his choice and him wanting it to be respected just like he respects your choice of hairstyles. :)


Obviously, it's your hair so wear it any way you want! :D Just like he can wear facial hair the way he wants it, too. :flower:

By the way, if you want a bit of middle ground sometimes, you could wear hair in half-ups for special occasions sometimes? It looks like hair down, but also allows to show off intricate styles, and it is more contained and less tangle-prone than loose hair.

[Llama]

Deleting post.

[Llama]

Deleting post.

[Kitten1030]

He probably just said that to ruffle you because his ego took a hit. We all have our opinions. You should each do with your appearance what you like and feel comfortable with. I would just look him in the soul patch intently from now on whenever you talk to each other but not say another word about it. Wonder how long it will last?:lol:

[Aderyn]

First of all, I'm really sorry about the argument. :grouphug: I hope you and your boyfriend will make up soon! :flower:

Speaking generally, I'm not that surprised about the preference at all - strangely, I've literally never even heard of guys who prefer long hair to be hidden in buns rather than worn down. There probably are some who do prefer buns, but from what I see and hear - they either prefer it down or are polite/diplomatic enough to not say anything at all or say they don't care either way. Maybe male LHC-ers can weigh in on this. :D

Yup! Men who do prefer long hair do prefer worn down, in my experience. I know lots of men who think it's cool when worn up, especially when it looks elaborate or has cool hairtoys, but they all prefer it down.

I think it's kind of nice that the only people who really see my hair worn down are those who are very close to me, though, makes it all the more special. Ways to compromise are to wear it down for date nights, when you're just lounging around the house sometimes and during some more intimate times.



Have you tried talking to him about it since the argument? It could be something he just said out of anger/frustration and maybe after he's cooled down he won't feel quite so strongly about it (because hating buns and preferring hair to be worn down are two different things)? That's kind of what it sounds like, to be honest, just something that slips out during an argument and comes off really harshly. I hope all goes well. :)

[Sarahlabyrinth]

I hope so too :)

[meteor]

Have you tried talking to him about it since the argument? It could be something he just said out of anger/frustration and maybe after he's cooled down he won't feel quite so strongly about it (because hating buns and preferring hair to be worn down are two different things)? That's kind of what it sounds like, to be honest, just something that slips out during an argument and comes off really harshly. I hope all goes well. :)

^ That's how I interpreted it, too. :agree:

I really hope all will go super-well for you guys! :D

[Sarahlabyrinth]

Out of curiosity I just asked my SO whether he prefers my hair worn loose or in a bun and he replied that he likes seeing all the different ways I wear it, that he finds it interesting that I have so many styles. So he likes however I have it.

[Unicorn]

Ok I guess I deserve having everyone side with him. I don't have anyone else to talk to in real life about these kinds of things and thought maybe this would help but it is not. I appreciate the replies but I don't think anyone is really understanding me.
I will just try to find other protective updos to try. Maybe youtube will be of help.

Don't take it so badly, I think people are trying to show you his (possible) perspective rather than siding with him. It's easier to make up if you have some understanding of why he may have reacted as he did, which is what one would hope to happen for your sake.

Regarding what happened with your SO, it's more a case of you each have differing views of consideration, rather than being right or wrong. For him, letting you do your own thing without commenting was being considerate of your preferences, for you letting him know your view on his beard was considerate in terms of maintaining an environment of openness.

The argument came about because for each of you, the other person displayed your own definition of inconsiderate behavior, therefore appeared to be displaying hostile behavior, when fact you where each being considerate in your own way.

It worth considering the possibility that how you wear our hair isn't that big a deal to him. He may have a preference, but it doesn't mean he's been thinking negatively about it. Now you know he actively likes it down, you can still do it on special occasions, or more frequently at home, without giving up buns all together.


Unicorn

[Sarahlabyrinth]

That is very well said, Unicorn.

Llama, I'm sorry if you are not finding these replies helpful.

[neko_kawaii]

My SIL hates facial hair. Her husband likes changing his mustache and beard regularly. He taunts her with something she considers hideous, she teases him that it looks horrid and he needs to shave. He gets to do what he likes with his hair, she has her say in the matter, they both enjoy the banter.

Every couple is different in their dynamics.

My husband is super lazy about hair cuts to the point where hairdressers ask him if he has ever had his hair that short before (or my favorite, does he have my permission for the cut) when he tells them he wants a #2 buzz cut. I finally bought him an electric razor set so I could cut it for him on maybe a more regular basis. But no. He points out that his hair needs to be cut. I agree. I offer to cut it. He is too busy/lazy/tired. This goes on for 3-4 months with increased frequency until finally he agrees to my offer of cutting it.

I just said to him, "The internet wants to know, how do you like me to wear my hair?" His reply, "I dunno." He hardly looks at himself in a mirror, why would he care how I looked?

Unicorn is wise, listen to her. Replies here are siding with both of you. You wear your hair how you want to and he wears his how he wants to.

[mz_butterfly]

He probably doesn't really hate the buns, just prefers that your hair is loose. He probably just got mad because you didn't like his soul patch so he retaliated with the main part of your appearance. (which is most likely your hair)

There is a difference in wearing hair in a bun, it can be let down at any time. A soul patch is stuck there during the duration until it's shaved off or molded into another style.

Is there a reason you don't like that look on him? Does it remind you of someone you dislike or does he look completely ridiculous with it?

I bet when you all make up he will tell you that he was just mad and blurted out the bun thing because he was trying to hurt you. And you might want to explain why you hate the soul patch look on him. If you explain the reason (some examples) "you look like that perv Bob in 3B who hits on everyone and says smarmy things to all the ladies" or "you remind me of the ex that robbed me and my mother blind" or "it makes you look 12 and I feel like a pervo!" (whatever the case may be) :D :D

I think he really just threw the bun business out there because he couldn't think of anything else and he felt you were being rude about his hair so he was rude about yours.

I have a feeling it will all blow over and he will be sporting a new style soon.

[Magalo]

Eh, I highly doubt he is "repulsed" or "grossed out" (your words!) by buns. Don't exagerate... he probably just prefers it down, like 95% of men right?! Also I would say that most guys just don't really notice these details... obviously he prefers loose hair but he certainly doesn't scrutinize your bun every day and make a mental note about how he hates it. It's probably more of a "my favorite style" vs "all other styles" :lol: Switching your updos probably won't change anything.

You just have to choose your battles! And keep your energies for stuff that matters. :lol:

[elsieivy]

Don't take it so badly, I think people are trying to show you his (possible) perspective rather than siding with him. It's easier to make up if you have some understanding of why he may have reacted as he did, which is what one would hope to happen for your sake.

Regarding what happened with your SO, it's more a case of you each have differing views of consideration, rather than being right or wrong. For him, letting you do your own thing without commenting was being considerate of your preferences, for you letting him know your view on his beard was considerate in terms of maintaining an environment of openness.

The argument came about because for each of you, the other person displayed your own definition of inconsiderate behavior, therefore appeared to be displaying hostile behavior, when fact you where each being considerate in your own way.

It worth considering the possibility that how you wear our hair isn't that big a deal to him. He may have a preference, but it doesn't mean he's been thinking negatively about it. Now you know he actively likes it down, you can still do it on special occasions, or more frequently at home, without giving up buns all together.


Unicorn

Unicorn put this really well. I hope you're able to have a calm talk about this with your boyfriend. I only today found out that my husband prefers when I wear my grown out bangs loose instead of pinning them back. I usually have to pin them back because I live in a windy climate and they get in my face when loose. I'm going to continue wearing them back when I go anywhere but now that I now his preference I'll probably wear them down more when around the house. My husband knows that the way he has to wear his hair for work isn't my favorite style but that's what he has to do for his job and it's not that big a deal. Your hair is very pretty and I doubt your boyfriend actually hates in in any style. I hope everything works out okay for you and your significant other.

[wilderwein]

Also I agree with Sarahlabyrinth and what her SO said. In my experience, guys get excited when they see different styles and bored when they see each hairstyle everyday. So for example if you add a mini braid to your bun even tho you won't make a big change he may feel that you did a completely new hairstyle!
My ex was kinda bored of wearing my hair down all the time, so even when I wore a simple ponytail or something he would be like "wow".
He didn't prefer hair up or down actually, he just wanted to see some variations. Sure he may not liked if I was gonna wear the same bun everyday, but he would like it if for example he would see it once In a week.

And recently I experienced that with some guy friends too! I just added some different braids to my usual bun and they were all like "WOW YOUR HAIR IS SO COOL TODAY" they didnt realized that I'm wearing this kind of bun 80% of the time.
So my conclution is, that guys like variations, couse they probably translate that as "she likes to take care of herself and try new things" and that makes it intresting for them I believe.

It doesnt solve your problem, but I believe it explains his behaviour. He doesnt hate it! YOU DONT HATE ANYTHING FROM YOUR SO. (at least thats how I believe its done on relationships)

[LadyCelestina]

I'm sorry if this is not what you want to hear but if you yourself say you don't like the bun look,your are eventually going to dislike having long hair you can't wear down or it'll get damaged.Relax and enjoy your hair how you like it.I mean things aren't going to magically change with 15cm more of hair.

[Marika]

Yeah, in my experience too, men prefer it when hair is worn down. And I can't really blame them. If my hair was "bullet-proof", I would probably wear it down most of the time. But that just isn't an option for me with my fine and delicate hair even if it was shorter. And of course, sometimes it's just not practical to wear hair down. Nowadays I quite like buns especially after I cut some bangs.

If he was really that repulsed by your buns, I would think he would've just walked out a year ago or at least said something. I think your words offended him a little bit and he felt he had to say something back. I would just do my own thing and let him do his. Hair really isn't worth fighting for. If my boyfriend was truly repulsed by something so insignificant as my updos, I would show him the door.

My 1.5 year old son has always seen me wearing buns and whenever I wear my hair down, he brings me a hair fork or a stick :D People get used to things.

[lapushka]

It's none of his business. Period. He might have just acted out because you condemned his new style... petty stuff, but stuff that can get the blood from under your nails sometimes. I hope you stay strong and don't let him deter you. I'd just ignore it, if I were you... well, as much as you can.

[Wusel]

But a soul patch is not that much hair and I like it very much.
It's what artists wear often and I'm a Jazz singer and LOVE, LOVE the 1950s so…
Read what wikipedia says about the soul patch:
"It came to prominence in the 1950s and 1960s, when it was a style of facial hair common among African-American men, most notably jazzmen. It became popular with beatniks, artists, and those who frequented the jazz scene and moved in literary and artistic circles. Jazz trumpeters in particular preferred the goatee for the comfort it provided when using a trumpet mouthpiece."
It's the most sophisticated kind of male facial hair I can imagine. Let him wear it. He wants to look sophisticated and special, why not?

[Seeshami]

Muffin knows I hate his face cactus, it stabs me durring kisses and my opinion of that is F@#$ no. He is also aware of the fact that if he wanted to grow it out I would tell him fine do it just don't expect me to kiss you. Cultivate a face cactus or get kisses, he's got options.

He has his chances to voice opinions on my hair as i ask him regularly. When his ideas are stupid i tell him so and why. He understands we get over it.

Part of me thinks he picked a fight on purpose to have an opportunity to throw he hates buns in your face. Muffin and i don't play stupid games with communication we are extremely brutally up front with each other. Makes a happy marriage.

[hannabiss]

Maybe try braids. Cutegirlhairstyles on YouTube have some amazing braids and it would change it up.
likewise maybe you boyfriend just wanted to give something new a try.
Sometimes men are mysterious without trying to be. My boyfriend has the ugliest beard and wont shave it. Im normally a fan of his beard but he stopped grooming it and it's gone raggity.
BUT I love him all the same. if he choose let it go to beard dreads i wouldnt tell him to his face that he doesnt look pleasing to my eyes.

[lapushka]

Muffin knows I hate his face cactus, it stabs me durring kisses and my opinion of that is F@#$ no. He is also aware of the fact that if he wanted to grow it out I would tell him fine do it just don't expect me to kiss you. Cultivate a face cactus or get kisses, he's got options.

Yeah, get him where it hurts. ;) :p He'll shave nice and proper. ;)

[EdG]

Don't you two have better things to do than to complain about each others' hair and beard styles? Seriously, this doesn't matter. :shrug:
Ed

[restless]

I dont mean to come off as harsh and Im sorry youre not liking the replies youre getting, but seriously- both of you acted pretty childish and I cant believe something like that ended in a huge fight. You did wrong by telling him you dont like his new look and his reply could have been taken from a high school drama:

Upset teenage girl 1: I hate your new look!
Upset teenage girl 2: Yeah, well your... b-buns are ugly too!

:neutral:

I doubt he truly hates your buns or find them repulsive (those are some strong words), Im sure he just felt insulted/sad/angry after your comment and wanted to kick you back where it hurts the most. That doesnt make it right, but like I said, it was childish of both of you. Hopefully you guys will get over this and realise how silly it was to begin with.

[wilderwein]

Don't you two have better things to do than to complain about each others' hair and beard styles? Seriously, this doesn't matter. :shrug:
Ed

Hahahaha pretty well said!
In my country we even have a saying "You are getting busy with hairs" [or something like that, its hard to trasnlate it] that means that you actually waisting time on silly stuff that doesnt actually matter.

[Puffer Fish]

Hahahaha pretty well said!
In my country we even have a saying "You are getting busy with hairs" [or something like that, its hard to trasnlate it] that means that you actually waisting time on silly stuff that doesnt actually matter.

I think it's been translated into English as "You are splitting hairs".

[wilderwein]

I think it's been translated into English as "You are splitting hairs".

YEP THAT MAKES SENSE! thank you <3

[EdG]

Hahahaha pretty well said!
In my country we even have a saying "You are getting busy with hairs" [or something like that, its hard to trasnlate it] that means that you actually waisting time on silly stuff that doesnt actually matter.


I think it's been translated into English as "You are splitting hairs".It's good to know the origin of the phrase. :thumbsup:
Ed

[spidermom]

I doubt your guy has strong feelings about buns. What he said was a get back. You said something negative, he said something negative. Tit for tat. It's over; move on; wear your hair how you like it.

[Johannah]

Don't you two have better things to do than to complain about each others' hair and beard styles? Seriously, this doesn't matter. :shrug:
Ed

Exactly this.

[*ReiKa*]

I agree with everyone else, I don't believe that he has such strong feelings about your buns, he just felt attacked by your negative comments about his beard style, so he thought he might as well express his point of view about your usual hair style. That doesn't mean that he feels sick whenever he sees you in your buns.. just as much as you don't like his beard style, he also doesn't *really* like your buns.
He didn't tell you before because it's not a big deal for him (which is just the way it was supposed to be!) but what HE expected from you about his beard was the exact same behaviour he has toward your buns, ACCEPTANCE, and freedom to let the partner style her/his hair the way he/she pleases, you didn't do that or you condemned his beard style too harshly, so he rightly felt offended and told you that out of anger.

I am just telling you how the situation looks from outside, I'm not here to rule about who's wrong and who's right, the whole argument from both sides was wrong, so I hope you guys will just go back to normal and understand that the whole argument was just stupid.

[Wusel]

I dont mean to come off as harsh and Im sorry youre not liking the replies youre getting, but seriously- both of you acted pretty childish and I cant believe something like that ended in a huge fight. You did wrong by telling him you dont like his new look and his reply could have been taken from a high school drama:

Upset teenage girl 1: I hate your new look!
Upset teenage girl 2: Yeah, well your... b-buns are ugly too!

:neutral:

I doubt he truly hates your buns or find them repulsive (those are some strong words), Im sure he just felt insulted/sad/angry after your comment and wanted to kick you back where it hurts the most. That doesnt make it right, but like I said, it was childish of both of you. Hopefully you guys will get over this and realise how silly it was to begin with.

Exactly my opinion.

[Katyusha]

My boyfriend likes my hair best when it's loose. He particularly doesn't like buns because he thinks that it makes my head look round. Which is true, buns are not my favourite eather. But he has no problem with braids or ponytail. I rarely wear my hair in a bun in public but I do wear it at home. It doesn't bother me that much that he doesn't like it. It's his opinion. But I must admit I would probably wear them more if he did like it.

[alexis917]

Really hypocritical of you to get upset by his facial hair and not accept that he dislikes your hair in buns.

Also, in case I missed something, he wasn't suggesting you no longer wear your hair in buns. He brought that up to acknowledge that when HE dislikes something you do aesthetically, he doesn't tell you not to do it, because it makes you happy.