In my will: Protecting my locks

[pili]

I started my long haired journey at the age of 36. Right now the goal is TBL, but I get the feeling terminal will be reached eventually.

All my life, growing up, I was told how my great-grandmother had an ankle length braid she cared for by herself until she was sent to a nursing home in her 90s. The nuns there promptly cut it all off because they did not want to deal with it.
:angry: I am not talking about thin, wispy hair either. Apparently it was wrist thick with no taper.

So, I am putting a provision in my will where, if I ever become unable to care for myself, my hair must be maintained at it's current length.
Anyone who cuts it or lets it be cut will make any inheritance forfeit and all of it will go to charity. Every. Red. Cent.

[lapushka]

All my life, growing up, I was told how my great-grandmother had an ankle length braid she cared for by herself until she was sent to a nursing home in her 90s. The nuns there promptly cut it all off because they did not want to deal with it. :angry: I am not talking about thin, wispy hair either. Apparently it was wrist thick with no taper.

I can understand why it would be hard to manage in a nursing home, where there's staff shortage and other people to think about as well. Nobody got time for that. You know. I understand why it's tough, but I "get" it as well.

[cat11]

I like it!
Its your hair you should be able to keep it because its part of your body wether its "dead" or not

I would personally curse or haunt someone who cut my hair for ease

You're better of figuring out how to not go to a nursing home though. Be reeeeeaaal nice to your kids and in laws. Cause they dont take care of people on old folks homes. Ive seen it happen in the family where a certain person was too selfish to let "dear Grandma" into their home. They let you get dehydrated. They dont clean your mouth. It's so boring it's unbeleivable... their Grandmother died from complications after being dehydrated there and it is not the only story I've heard.

[pili]

I can understand why it would be hard to manage in a nursing home, where there's staff shortage and other people to think about as well. Nobody got time for that. You know. I understand why it's tough, but I "get" it as well.

I get it too. But the nuns did it without asking the family or even informing my mother and grandmother that it would be done. They just went in one day and it was gone. My great grandmother was still able to care for it herself. She just couldn't walk. There was nothing wrong with her arms or her ability to take care of it…It's the same way she cared for it the day before the nuns cut it off. My mother said my grandmother was livid and would not have left her there if she had know they would do that.

[pili]

I like it!
Its your hair you should be able to keep it because its part of your body wether its "dead" or not

I would personally curse or haunt someone who cut my hair for ease

You're better of figuring out how to not go to a nursing home though. Be reeeeeaaal nice to your kids and in laws. Cause they dont take care of people on old folks homes. Ive seen it happen in the family where a certain person was too selfish to let "dear Grandma" into their home. They let you get dehydrated. They dont clean your mouth. It's so boring it's unbeleivable... their Grandmother died from complications after being dehydrated there and it is not the only story I've heard.

Oh, that is horrible!

DH and I have a pact that neither his mom or my parents will EVER go to a nursing home. We will always have a place for them, and will get in-home care for them if and when the time comes.

[Larki]

It's kind of ridiculous to generalize that all nursing home neglect their residents. It's perfectly possible to find a good one if you just do research on them. :rolleyes:

[Monkshood]

I like it!
Its your hair you should be able to keep it because its part of your body wether its "dead" or not


I would personally curse or haunt someone who cut my hair for ease


You're better of figuring out how to not go to a nursing home though. Be reeeeeaaal nice to your kids and in laws. Cause they dont take care of people on old folks homes. Ive seen it happen in the family where a certain person was too selfish to let "dear Grandma" into their home. They let you get dehydrated. They dont clean your mouth. It's so boring it's unbeleivable... their Grandmother died from complications after being dehydrated there and it is not the only story I've heard.


I love my family, but I will not be changing anyone's diapers. That does not make me selfish. What's selfish, imo, is expecting your relatives to upset their entire life to take care of you when you become unable to. That's not to say that I would leave my mom to rot in the streets rather than take care of her, but I will have no guilt putting her into GOOD care if and when the time comes. My great-grandmother died in a nursing home last December and she got excellent care right up until her very last breath.

Personally, if I ever get to a point where I can't take care of myself, and by extension my hair, I am damn well going to have it cut. I would not be getting any joy from it knowing it's a burden to someone else.

[pili]

It's kind of ridiculous to generalize that all nursing home neglect their residents. It's perfectly possible to find a good one if you just do research on them. :rolleyes:

I never did. I am sure there are good ones, but seeing as my family has never had good luck with that. I will not subject my parents to it and I hope my kids won't either.


I love my family, but I will not be changing anyone's diapers. That does not make me selfish. What's selfish, imo, is expecting your relatives to upset their entire life to take care of you when you become unable to. That's not to say that I would leave my mom to rot in the streets rather than take care of her, but I will have no guilt putting her into GOOD care if and when the time comes. My great-grandmother died in a nursing home last December and she got excellent care right up until her very last breath.

Personally, if I ever get to a point where I can't take care of myself, and by extension my hair, I am damn well going to have it cut. I would not be getting any joy from it knowing it's a burden to someone else.


If I am unable to care for my own hair, then I will probably cut it to where I can take care of it. But I also don't ever want to be put into a demeaning situation where the choice is taken out of my still capable hands. I only said they would have to maintain it. It may be at TBL, it may be a pixie. But on me a pixie is horridly difficult to control. If my mother, who clothed me and fed me and would give her life for me wanted me to maintain her hair in a braid, I would do it. Along with changing her diaper and clothes. The last time a member of our family was in a nursing home, it was my BIL. He was a paraplegic in his twenties and he once witnessed his roommate (also young) get left on the bathroom floor in his own waste all night and then get laughed at for it. That doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in the system.

My great-grandmother was only put in a nursing home after my mother moved to the states and my grandmother was hospitalized. If it could have been avoided it would have been. It was one of the biggest regrets of my mother's life.

[chen bao jun]

I hope to heaven I will have good daughters in law who will hire in home help that they watch over, as we did with my MIL
this is about more than the hair-- but that's a horror story about the braid.
and I get what you are saying, yes put that in your will it'd a good idea.
as for the diapers, my mom changed mine, when the day comes I hAve to change hers, I'll do it.

[Monkshood]

:scissors:

If I am unable to care for my own hair, then I will probably cut it to where I can take care of it. But I also don't ever want to be put into a demeaning situation where the choice is taken out of my still capable hands. I only said they would have to maintain it. It may be at TBL, it may be a pixie. But on me a pixie is horridly difficult to control. If my mother, who clothed me and fed me and would give her life for me wanted me to maintain her hair in a braid, I would do it. Along with changing her diaper and clothes. The last time a member of our family was in a nursing home, it was my BIL. He was a paraplegic in his twenties and he once witnessed his roommate (also young) get left on the bathroom floor in his own waste all night and then get laughed at for it. That doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in the system.

My great-grandmother was only put in a nursing home after my mother moved to the states and my grandmother was hospitalized. If it could have been avoided it would have been. It was one of the biggest regrets of my mother's life.

Sure, if the person is of sound mind and capable to take care of their hair at a given length, then I see no reason to cut it, especially not against their will... But washing, drying, combing/brushing and putting very long hair out of the way is a lot more time consuming and I would not expect someone else to do all of that for me.

I'm very sorry you had such bad experiences with nursing homes! My great-grandmother's daughters took care of her for as long as they could, but caring for a 90-something with Alzheimer's who can't walk, is incontinent and can't be left alone is no walk in the park, especially when you're elderly and in precarious health yourself. It really took a toll on them and yet they still feel guilty that she didn't die at home, which makes me sad.

[pili]

I hope to heaven I will have good daughters in law who will hire in home help that they watch over, as we did with my MIL
this is about more than the hair-- but that's a horror story about the braid.
and I get what you are saying, yes put that in your will it'd a good idea.
as for the diapers, my mom changed mine, when the day comes I hAve to change hers, I'll do it.

Exactly.


Sure, if the person is of sound mind and capable to take care of their hair at a given length, then I see no reason to cut it, especially not against their will... But washing, drying, combing/brushing and putting very long hair out of the way is a lot more time consuming and I would not expect someone else to do all of that for me.

I'm very sorry you had such bad experiences with nursing homes! My great-grandmother's daughters took care of her for as long as they could, but caring for a 90-something with Alzheimer's who can't walk, is incontinent and can't be left alone is no walk in the park, especially when you're elderly and in precarious health yourself. It really took a toll on them and yet they still feel guilty that she didn't die at home, which makes me sad.

That is sad.

The point of my original post is I want to be ME at the end of my life. After my great-grandmother died, we made sure to take care of my great aunt, so she died at home surrounded by her family. I don't consider it a burden to take care of my family as they have taken care of me.

[cat11]

I hope to heaven I will have good daughters in law who will hire in home help that they watch over, as we did with my MIL
this is about more than the hair-- but that's a horror story about the braid.
and I get what you are saying, yes put that in your will it'd a good idea.
as for the diapers, my mom changed mine, when the day comes I hAve to change hers, I'll do it.

Yes, I agree. In home care is an option too, and like you said, they took care of me, I'd like to take care of them... that's the parent-child cycle, pretty much. If it was something THEY didn't want me to do, I'd respect that. But I'd rather know and trust myself and my home and I think they would too.

Larki & Monkshood, I'm sure some people have good luck, but I don't want to take that chance to trust someone else and to me it feels like abandonment. I just don't trust them. Even if I trusted them to a certain extent, would I really be able to trust them to the same extent I can trust myself? Also Im only 22 and one of my worst nightmares is ending up in a nursing home as an old woman. My maternal grandmother lived with us growing up once she became legally blind and she was a huge positive influence on me.

It brings to mind the old addage, "If you want something done right, do it yourself."

& Im not saying ALL people have selfish reasons for sticking their parents in homes, but all the people I've heard talk did. "I dont want to hear them all time, deal with their crap, have them in the house ect" "I dealt with them enough as a teenager & we didnt get along" "I dont want to drive them around/pay for stuff" "I dont want to have to take time to take care of them" and **** like that. Those are all reasons revolving around the self .... not around what the parent did for you by watching after you as an infant so you didn't die in your crib and got an education, or around your obligation as a daughter/son and being filial

of course I understand that there are extreme circumstances where this is pretty much impossible though :/ I dont want to offend people this is just how I feel and I have strong feelings about this due to things that have happened in my family & my somewhat sentimental personality

[vega]

I work in a nursing home and have seen many residents getting the big chop , yes it does get understaffed and maintaining locks is not a proirity in aged care , in most cases the aged person is unaware of what's really going on , good luck finding a aged care facility to manage your locks, best bet would be family or friends to manage for you , all you could get a stylist to come in , unfortunately with a lot of our residents they don't have anymore family and a stylist is just to expensive, I work in palliative care so the resident cannot look after them self at all

[KittyBird]

If I ever end up in a nursing home, I'll have them cut off all my hair and make it into a hot pink mohawk or something. I'm incredibly tender-headed, and I hate having other people touching and combing my hair. :p

[lapushka]

I get it too. But the nuns did it without asking the family or even informing my mother and grandmother that it would be done. They just went in one day and it was gone. My great grandmother was still able to care for it herself. She just couldn't walk. There was nothing wrong with her arms or her ability to take care of it…It's the same way she cared for it the day before the nuns cut it off. My mother said my grandmother was livid and would not have left her there if she had know they would do that.

Oh that's terrible, under those circumstances! I'm disabled (legs) and my arms are also affected. My mom cares for my hair, and so I get this more than you think. This is really awful. Did they just do it with her kicking and screaming? I mean she must have given her approval somehow, or did they do it in her sleep?

[Anje]

Just a thought... I'm not sure if wills are often read or known before the will-maker dies, unless they disclose it. It might be worth also putting something like this in an advance directive or power of attorney sort of document. :blossom:

You also might want to put in an exemption allowing it if you need surgery on your head.

[Betazed]

On the topic of elders in nursing homes:
My mom didn't take care of me when I was growing up so I wont be taking care of her when she's too aged to do it herself. I've mentioned this before but my mom is a Sociopath and I do my best to avoid her at all costs. I'm assuming her idiosyncrasies will only get worse as she ages, as that seems to be the case. Not to mention all the illegal stuff she gets herself into. My hubs refuses to even talk to my mother so it's pretty much guaranteed he wont want her in our house. My biological father wasn't in my life, either. My grandparents are a different matter, however. I would feel guilty about it but I know I would not be able to care for either/both of them. If the time comes where they are unable to live on their own, our reserve has a very good nursing home, which is where my hubs' gramma is currently. After my grandfather suffered a severe brain injury in '02, my gramma went and put both of their names on the waiting list for said nursing home. She always says she'd rather go to The Lodge (a nickname for it) than live with one of her kids because we're all "too crazy and grumpy". She follows this up with "I guess its because you all take after me".

As for the hair topic:
I like the idea of putting this in a will! On my organ donor card, under the "Other:" option, I have my hair listed. I would like for it to be taken and given to Locks of Love (or one of the other organizations that makes wigs for cancer patients and others who need one). When I was registering my organ donor card, the lady that was imputing it said she had never thought of donating hair and that it should be one of the options listed. I hope one day it is.

However, I would say that if my hair were ever taken from me without permission/while I was still alive, I would be raising hell like no one had seen before! :angry: :guns:

[pili]

If I ever end up in a nursing home, I'll have them cut off all my hair and make it into a hot pink mohawk or something. I'm incredibly tender-headed, and I hate having other people touching and combing my hair. :p

No that's cool. If that's what you want then that's what you should get.


Oh that's terrible, under those circumstances! I'm disabled (legs) and my arms are also affected. My mom cares for my hair, and so I get this more than you think. This is really awful. Did they just do it with her kicking and screaming? I mean she must have given her approval somehow, or did they do it in her sleep?

I don't know the details. This was when I was a small child and my mom gets so furious at the memory that I'm afraid to ask for details.


Just a thought... I'm not sure if wills are often read or known before the will-maker dies, unless they disclose it. It might be worth also putting something like this in an advance directive or power of attorney sort of document. :blossom:

You also might want to put in an exemption allowing it if you need surgery on your head.

A living will.


On the topic of elders in nursing homes:
My mom didn't take care of me when I was growing up so I wont be taking care of her when she's too aged to do it herself. I've mentioned this before but my mom is a Sociopath and I do my best to avoid her at all costs. I'm assuming her idiosyncrasies will only get worse as she ages, as that seems to be the case. Not to mention all the illegal stuff she gets herself into. My hubs refuses to even talk to my mother so it's pretty much guaranteed he wont want her in our house. My biological father wasn't in my life, either. My grandparents are a different matter, however. I would feel guilty about it but I know I would not be able to care for either/both of them. If the time comes where they are unable to live on their own, our reserve has a very good nursing home, which is where my hubs' gramma is currently. After my grandfather suffered a severe brain injury in '02, my gramma went and put both of their names on the waiting list for said nursing home. She always says she'd rather go to The Lodge (a nickname for it) than live with one of her kids because we're all "too crazy and grumpy". She follows this up with "I guess its because you all take after me".

As for the hair topic:
I like the idea of putting this in a will! On my organ donor card, under the "Other:" option, I have my hair listed. I would like for it to be taken and given to Locks of Love (or one of the other organizations that makes wigs for cancer patients and others who need one). When I was registering my organ donor card, the lady that was imputing it said she had never thought of donating hair and that it should be one of the options listed. I hope one day it is.

However, I would say that if my hair were ever taken from me without permission/while I was still alive, I would be raising hell like no one had seen before! :angry: :guns:

I completely get that. Every family is different. Every relationship is different. The point is that the this is what I want for me. Someone else may not want or be willing to do the same thing. Donating hair would be a very good cause. I just know that I want my hair to go with me, and I am very serious about that. I may choose to cut it long before I get to the stage where I need help, but I don't ever want to go through the degradation my great grandmother endured. It makes me shudder.

Donate. Keep it long. Make a purple mohawk. The choice should be ours.

Tradition in my culture and family is to take care of our own (great gran was a "no choice" circumstance), and I will be doing that for my parents and hope my kids do that for me.

[chen bao jun]

My parents took care of me, I was blessed.
I have seen exceptions but I am seriously not impressed with people's attitudes in mainstream American culture towards the elderly, in fact it's frightening to me. Some of the things I have heard and seen from friends with appear to be otherwise good people are stunning to me. I actually have a friend I will hardly speak to anymore because of her incredibly callous behavior towards both her mother in law and mother who are aging. I just can't see her as a good person anymore after her treatment of her husband as he tries to help his 80 plus year old mother out, he has to sneak to even visit and has for getting help when he needs to take her to the hospital or she has other needs, forget it. This is only the worst of a lot of things I see though that would never be accepted among my relatives, flawed as the y are.

in American culture, even healthy old people are treated as junk all too often, as for the ill, forget it. It's scary.

[sarahthegemini]

Personally I think that's ludicrous. If you can no longer care for your hair, it's no longer up to you what happens with it - it's up to the person that does take care of it. And in a nursing home where time is of the essence, there are far more important things to be doing as a nurse than care for someone's ankle length hair.

[kaydana]

I really dislike the implication that anyone who doesn't take their parents in is being selfish. Not everybody has the luxury of not needing to work, and leaving elderly relatives alone all day isn't always an option. There are plenty of scenarios where it simply isn't possible or in the best interests of either party for children to care for their parents.

[cathair]

I've been a carer for the elderly when I was younger. I don't think any carer wants to make their patients unhappy or stripped of their identity. But sometimes this would not be practical in terms of time we had and would not be safe for the people working there.

People in homes are in homes because they can't look after themselves. Sometimes there's a physical reason, sometimes a mental. Some patients with dementia can be violent unintentionally. I have come away with huge black bruises and cuts from trying to brush people's hair or clean their nails. If you can't look after a patient because of their hair, it's not practical. I would rather see a patient safe and well.

[sarahthegemini]

I really dislike the implication that anyone who doesn't take their parents in is being selfish. Not everybody has the luxury of not needing to work, and leaving elderly relatives alone all day isn't always an option. There are plenty of scenarios where it simply isn't possible or in the best interests of either party for children to care for their parents.

I totally agree. Sometimes putting an elderly person in a nursing home is the best option. It isn't 'the lazy thoughtless option ' that many here are implying.

[lapushka]

I've been a carer for the elderly when I was younger. I don't think any carer wants to make their patients unhappy or stripped of their identity. But sometimes this would not be practical in terms of time we had and would not be safe for the people working there.

People in homes are in homes because they can't look after themselves. Sometimes there's a physical reason, sometimes a mental. Some patients with dementia can be violent unintentionally. I have come away with huge black bruises and cuts from trying to brush people's hair or clean their nails. If you can't look after a patient because of their hair, it's not practical. I would rather see a patient safe and well.

I agree with that, however I do think they could have asked the family before doing something as drastic as cutting someone's hair real short.

[Sarahlabyrinth]

I started my long haired journey at the age of 36. Right now the goal is TBL, but I get the feeling terminal will be reached eventually.

All my life, growing up, I was told how my great-grandmother had an ankle length braid she cared for by herself until she was sent to a nursing home in her 90s. The nuns there promptly cut it all off because they did not want to deal with it.
:angry: I am not talking about thin, wispy hair either. Apparently it was wrist thick with no taper.

So, I am putting a provision in my will where, if I ever become unable to care for myself, my hair must be maintained at it's current length.
Anyone who cuts it or lets it be cut will make any inheritance forfeit and all of it will go to charity. Every. Red. Cent.

But wouldn't your will only be opened after your death?

[cathair]

I agree with that, however I do think they could have asked the family before doing something as drastic as cutting someone's hair real short.

I agree with you too :)

[Sarahlabyrinth]

I agree with you too :)

I agree with this; also couldn't they ask the person who owns the hair as well???

[cathair]

I agree with this; also couldn't they ask the person who owns the hair as well???

Of course, if they are well enough to do so!

[pili]

My parents took care of me, I was blessed.
I have seen exceptions but I am seriously not impressed with people's attitudes in mainstream American culture towards the elderly, in fact it's frightening to me. Some of the things I have heard and seen from friends with appear to be otherwise good people are stunning to me. I actually have a friend I will hardly speak to anymore because of her incredibly callous behavior towards both her mother in law and mother who are aging. I just can't see her as a good person anymore after her treatment of her husband as he tries to help his 80 plus year old mother out, he has to sneak to even visit and has for getting help when he needs to take her to the hospital or she has other needs, forget it. This is only the worst of a lot of things I see though that would never be accepted among my relatives, flawed as the y are.

in American culture, even healthy old people are treated as junk all too often, as for the ill, forget it. It's scary.

Yup


I agree with that, however I do think they could have asked the family before doing something as drastic as cutting someone's hair real short.

Exactly


But wouldn't your will only be opened after your death?

I should have clarified by saying a living will.


I've been a carer for the elderly when I was younger. I don't think any carer wants to make their patients unhappy or stripped of their identity. But sometimes this would not be practical in terms of time we had and would not be safe for the people working there.

People in homes are in homes because they can't look after themselves. Sometimes there's a physical reason, sometimes a mental. Some patients with dementia can be violent unintentionally. I have come away with huge black bruises and cuts from trying to brush people's hair or clean their nails. If you can't look after a patient because of their hair, it's not practical. I would rather see a patient safe and well.

That is why I do not want to be put in a nursing home. This is why I won't put my parents or MIL in one.

A lot of people are being very, very defensive about a decision I have made in my life. It's my life. I am not telling anyone else to do this.

[chen bao jun]

I said I had seen exceptions to the general rule but the culture is just not the same. Even before the person gets ill. among us when a family has an elder, they are the center of the family in a way i dont see here. They will be at every family function, they will hAve the best seat and be at the center, everyone who comes in will greet them first and stay talking for a while with interest, not boredom, if there is a general conversation and th e y start to speak, everyone gets respectfully silent. This segues naturally into care as they get debilitated. Children will litreally fight for the privilege of having them in the home. I remember how my uncle and mother fought over who would have my grandmother in the last year of her life. My uncle won and my ,mother was frustrated and angry But was always there to help.

It is not unusual for situations to happen like my cousin, a single mom with a full time job who takes sole care of her 95 year old grandmother with dementIa. She has a home nurse who comes in during the day and takes care of her the rest of the time. People not only care for parents but for aunts or uncles who did not raise them in old age. Sometimes it is impossible and the person has to go to a nursing home, i agree. But the whole attitude is different from beginning to end and yes, I feel judgmental about a lot of the things I see.

In the situation where the woman has lost my friendship, the mother in law is old but not ill and it's an extreme example of selfishness, not only won't she have her live in the house but gets angry that the woman's son goes to visit her in the morning and evening . His friend has taken his mother in because his wife wont, how sick is that? it's an extreme and uncommon example. But the culture is different and it doesn't look good to an outsider a lot of the time. All I can think a lot of the time is that the children are watching and learning how to treat us when we get old.

they were totally wrong to cut that old lady's hair.

[pili]

Of course, if they are well enough to do so!

She was. They cut it off anyway.

[cathair]

Yup



Exactly



I should have clarified by saying a living will.



That is why I do not want to be put in a nursing home. This is why I won't put my parents or MIL in one.

A lot of people are being very, very defensive about a decision I have made in my life. It's my life. I am not telling anyone else to do this.

I'm not making any judgement about your decisions at all. I hope you didn't think that.

Just from a practical point of view, I can see why it would be beyond the means of what a lot of homes could cope with.

I am sorry that she wasn't able to keep her hair.

[pili]

I said I had seen exceptions to the general rule but the culture is just not the same. Even before the person gets ill. among us when a family has an elder, they are the center of the family in a way i dont see here. They will be at every family function, they will hAve the best seat and be at the center, everyone who comes in will greet them first and stay talking for a while with interest, not boredom, if there is a general conversation and th e y start to speak, everyone gets respectfully silent. This segues naturally into care as they get debilitated. Children will litreally fight for the privilege of having them in the home. I remember how my uncle and mother fought over who would have my grandmother in the last year of her life. My uncle won and my ,mother was frustrated and angry But was always there to help.

It is not unusual for situations to happen like my cousin, a single mom with a full time job who takes sole care of her 95 year old grandmother with dementIa. She has a home nurse who comes in during the day and takes care of her the rest of the time. People not only care for parents but for aunts or uncles who did not raise them in old age. Sometimes it is impossible and the person has to go to a nursing home, i agree. But the whole attitude is different from beginning to end and yes, I feel judgmental about a lot of the things I see.

In the situation where the woman has lost my friendship, the mother in law is old but not ill and it's an extreme example of selfishness, not only won't she have her live in the house but gets angry that the woman's son goes to visit her in the morning and evening . His friend has taken his mother in because his wife wont, how sick is that? it's an extreme and uncommon example. But the culture is different and it doesn't look good to an outsider a lot of the time. All I can think a lot of the time is that the children are watching and learning how to treat us when we get old.

they were totally wrong to cut that old lady's hair.

You and I were raised in very similar cultures. The only exception I have to that is my oldest cousin. She once kicked her elderly parents out of the house when they came to visit on vacation…at 11 PM at night with only the clothes on their backs and no knowledge of the language. The rest of us were horrified and the rift with the family she created is very deep.

[Betazed]

My parents took care of me, I was blessed.
I have seen exceptions but I am seriously not impressed with people's attitudes in mainstream American culture towards the elderly, in fact it's frightening to me. Some of the things I have heard and seen from friends with appear to be otherwise good people are stunning to me. I actually have a friend I will hardly speak to anymore because of her incredibly callous behavior towards both her mother in law and mother who are aging. I just can't see her as a good person anymore after her treatment of her husband as he tries to help his 80 plus year old mother out, he has to sneak to even visit and has for getting help when he needs to take her to the hospital or she has other needs, forget it. This is only the worst of a lot of things I see though that would never be accepted among my relatives, flawed as the y are.

in American culture, even healthy old people are treated as junk all too often, as for the ill, forget it. It's scary.

I totally get your point. In my culture, our elders are very respected and cherished. I think that's why the "nursing home" on our reserve has such a long waiting list. By the way, I dislike the term "nursing home" but for the life of me, can't think of another alternative at the moment. My brain is still fuzzy after spending the day in the hot sun.

[endlessly]

This is a very interesting topic and one that I'm sure most with long hair don't even consider. In my family, I'm the only person with long hair - everyone else has cropped short pixies - and honestly, sometimes I worry if something were to happen to me, what would happen to my hair? I've always had these visions of myself as a little old lady with long, flowing white hair - I'd hate to think that image could change. While I can understand that it's difficult to care for especially if the person isn't in the right frame of mind and nursing homes can't dedicate that amount of time to hair, if it was something that person took pride in and cherished, you'd think the family would be willing to do whatever it took to make sure they were well-cared for.

[longhairmomof7]

Hugs!! Totally get it!! <3

[pili]

I'm not making any judgement about your decisions at all. I hope you didn't think that.

Just from a practical point of view, I can see why it would be beyond the means of what a lot of homes could cope with.

I am sorry that she wasn't able to keep her hair.

No worries.

I think this thread has stirred up issues that are way too personal for each individual. So agree, some don't, and the internet does not always allow for the nuances of inflection to translate. There are cultural difference to consider too.

[pili]

This is a very interesting topic and one that I'm sure most with long hair don't even consider. In my family, I'm the only person with long hair - everyone else has cropped short pixies - and honestly, sometimes I worry if something were to happen to me, what would happen to my hair? I've always had these visions of myself as a little old lady with long, flowing white hair - I'd hate to think that image could change. While I can understand that it's difficult to care for especially if the person isn't in the right frame of mind and nursing homes can't dedicate that amount of time to hair, if it was something that person took pride in and cherished, you'd think the family would be willing to do whatever it took to make sure they were well-cared for.

Yes, exactly! Our hair is part of our self-identity. I think those of us here on this forum take that more seriously than most. My sister, DH and kids know how important it is to me. My mom…meh…she thinks it should be age appropriate. Good thing I don't have to trust her with my hair.

[Sarahlabyrinth]

I would hope to keep my hair long for as long as I was able to care for it myself. If I was in a nursing home (and I fully expect to be in one as I have no children and even if I did have children I would expect them to be getting on with their lives and not having to babysit me) with long hair and for some reason was no longer able to care for it, it would be unrealistic of me to expect the staff there to have the time or inclination to give my long hair the care it needs.

Likely as not they would try piling it all up on my head to wash it and it would turn into one giant tangled mass - and then need to be cut anyway. Goodness, I have even had that happen at a hairdressers' and they of all people should know better! I do hope that they would not cut it shorter than shoulder length ...

Actually my mother asked me a while ago what I wanted done with my hair when I die - I laughed and said that I wouldn't be needing it anymore, so it could be left as is, or cut off, or whatever someone wanted to do with it!