Tonsurephobia - the fear of haircuts

[Ephemia]

As far as I'm aware, this is the only thread here that focusses on tonsurephobia, although I've seen it alluded to on other threads. I myself am severely tonsurephobic, and have been for many years. Even watching other people have their hair cut makes me nervous, and there are times when even the sight of a pair of scissors gives me the chills. I'm not quite clear on the history of this, since I don't really know how I got to grow my hair long. I remember thinking once that it would be great to have long, beautiful hair that turned heads, but I never would have told my mum that I wanted to grow it. I also remember one occasion when my hair was probably about waist length, and my mum had just trimmed my fringe, when she announced out of the blue that she was going to trim my length. I've no idea what I had and hadn't said about my hair up until then, but I was devastated at the news and she got angry with me.

I have a feeling that not necessarily all trims after that were traumatic. My childhood's so hazy, I really don't remember that much of it. A huge part of this is likely to be due to me having Asperger's syndrome, which is basically a condition designed to make your life as anxiety-ridden as possible. However, I did begin to sense resistance to me having long hair, and I resented it. The big trigger to my tonsurephobia, I think, was when I was about 10 or 11, and for some strange reason I was losing hair in handfuls. At the time I was only mildly concerned, as my hair never looked any thinner to me. I've still no idea why I shed like that, but a cut seemed to fix it. But that cut, I'm sure, scarred me for life. My mum told me the biggest porkie pie I've ever heard. I distinctly remember she said she'd only cut it to what it was two weeks ago. Of course, I know now that would have been hardly anything, but it wasn't even two months' worth of growth she cut off. It was at least a year's worth. I'm pretty sure I went from waist length to a couple of inches below APL.

I get that she did that to try and stop the shedding, and I knew she wouldn't do it again in future trims. But she didn't have to use my naivety and lie to me like that. I've had huge trust issues with her since, and not just hair related ones. But I digress - basically, I really started to fear each trim and be so full of resentment every time she said she was going to do it. Eventually, when I was 16, she gave in and said she couldn't put me through it any more. I'm 20 now and haven't had a trim for 5 years, other than on my fringe. Even that makes me panic now, which is a very recent thing. It gradually got worse and worse until I start panicking when my fringe gets long. I've tried to trim it myself, but I can't bring myself to close the scissors. I can do S and D (which is just as well as those lies have resulted in hundreds of split ends and significant taper), but nothing more.

Can anyone relate? Are there any other tonsurephobics here?

[cat11]

Yeah people who lie to you about what they'll cut suck and make you not wanna cut your hair.

My mom once said shed give me straight across bangs and didnt. Then i said thats not what I meant and she ranted about how ugly they were and why would I want that like she never actually agreed to do it. Its like she just assumed I must have meant something different because she thought it was ugly... its a weird thing when people abnormally care about YOUR appearance. Like.... mind your own business why do you have an aggressive opinion on this?

Im not afraid of hair cuts but I dont think you should be either. You are in control of them, WATCHING how much you cut off. It's not magic and it wont turn into something yu didn't do, unlike when you were a kid or when you visit a salon and you ask for one thing and then its POOF another.

Even if you don't cut your hair, it should be because you dont wanna not because you're afraid. I hope you figure it out :)

Another option, if you are okay with your aversion to hair cuts and want to embrace it, is to grow out your fringe and just grow to terminal. Least maitenence of any hair style....

but overall, if anything stresses you out that much, you gotta do some mental homework with yourself and ask yourself lots of questions about your own feelings and motivations and what you really want... like why are you making this thread? Do you want to not be afraid of cutting your hair? Are you hoping to find others who dont want to cut their hair and go all out with the no hair cutting thing? And if you do want to cut your hair, then maybe the loss of hair isn't the real fear, its the visit, its trusting someone else, trusting yourself...

But remember, if you look at your hair... see 5 mm on the other side of the scissors.... thats all that will come off and that's that.... Before I ever cut my own hair (cut my bangs before and also had cut considerable length off...) I had this irrational fear/thought that even though I thought I was doing one thing it would turn out into another. But it's not true. You just have to be careful and LOOK at what you're doing.

best of luck doing whatever you wanna do

[Frankenstein]

I can definitely relate to this. For a long time I have had a huge fear of haircuts. In fact that was probably a big factor when I decided to start growing. The weird thing is I never had a truly awful one but for some reason (mainly for the past five years) the thought of it gave me very bad anxiety - and also just like you said, watching people get a haircut and the sight of scissors "gives you chills". Recently I got up the courage to get a trim since I thought it was worth the risk to get rid of my super damaged ends; although it took over a year of putting it off building up the confidence to actually get my wits together and do it. I was super nervous going in but I'm glad I did it since my hair looks better. I plan on getting trims regularly now but the fear hasn't completely gone away and I'm sure I'll be dreading my next trip to the salon when the time comes - pretty sure it stems from me not trusting people and having "perfectionist" issues when it comes to having evenly cut hair. No joke, a month after my trim and I still catch myself scrutinizing my hair in the mirror for imperfections! :dizzy: To many people I'm sure it sounds ridiculous and I have to agree, but it really does bug me that bad! Hopefully it's something I will be able to relax about in time.

[Ephemia]

Thanks guys. :)

Thankfully I didn't grow my hair because I was scared of getting it cut - I'm scared of getting it cut because I want it long! It holds major significance to me. I think it's kind of like a visual clue to people who meet me that I'm not quite normal, and so they might not be quite so surprised if I say or do something that's textbook autistic. I also feel more like a character from a fantasy novel than an everyday person, so being able to look like one as well helps somewhat. :)

It would be great if I could lose this phobia; I've already got countless others. But it does have its compensations - it means I've never been subjected to hairdressers ripping through my hair when its wet or insisting on giving me layers I don't want, and I've never been tempted to cut off years' worth of growth which I'll later miss. All things I've read about on here. I did actually manage to trim my fringe last night. I didn't think I was going to be able to do it until I spotted one tiny bit that was longer than the rest, and it bugged me. I made myself snip that off as practice, and then I was able to go ahead and trim a little off the whole thing, telling myself it was no different from what I'd just done. I didn't enjoy it, but I did it. It looks alright, too; I was worried it would be obvious I'd done it myself. I don't think even my mum's noticed.

I am entertaining the idea of growing my fringe out, but I'm not sure it would look good. I don't think I have as many follicles on the top of my head as I do on the back and sides, so when I pull my fringe in half it all looks very thin and horrible. I also don't want it to be a decision I make out of fear. I've had a fringe all my life and it would be a huge, huge change. What I am probably going to do is grow out a little bit from each side. I've got one bit that's clearly been missed the past couple of trims anyway, and I didn't trim that because it's just long enough to tuck behind my ear. If I grow a bit like that from the other side, then it won't be as big a change as growing the whole caboodle, should look alright and it'll even add a smidgen onto my ponytail circumference.

Growing to terminal is another thing I'm considering in the long run, but if that turned out to be beyond floor, which I think it could be, things might get difficult. Right now I'm experiencing what I think is probably a false terminal (or at least, I was - I think my hair may be creeping down my calves and if so I've no idea how long it's been doing that) due to the lack of trimming and generally not having been quite as nice to it as I am now and could still be. I'm gradually getting rid of all the split ends, and then I'm thinking I'll maintain at knee/calf/wherever I turn out to be until some of my shorter strands catch up. And then... who knows?

One thing I can be fairly sure of is that I will never set foot in a hairdressers in my life! Noooo... too much risk of going in for a trim and coming out with a pixie.

[swearnsue]

Hi Ephemia! I'm not afraid of haircuts, but have plenty of phobias. Having you own mother betray your trust is a big deal and if she did it regarding your hair she did it in other ways also probably. I can relate to not remembering my childhood and having heavy sheds, those are red flags that our childhood wasn't nurturing and full of stress.

That is great that you trimmed your own bangs! Good work. It sounds like you found a good way to make those baby steps to trimming..."I'll just even it up a bit" and repeat as necessary! (Excellent for us Aspies!)

[Lady melissa]

i only started developping a fear lately that somebody else would cut my hair without my permission....my hair is now midtigh, the longest ever in my life....and people scare me also with stories about being scalped if i would get stuck between automatic doors, cardoors and other stuff....a lady on the street saw my two long braids and complimented me, and then said i should be careful, because there are awful people who would want to cut my hair...i never thought about that much before...now i'm wondering if it is safe to walk around still with my hair down in braids or lose....this feeling is not pleasant, but i can't seem to let it go...

[chen bao jun]

I'm not afraid of getting a trim but I'm terrified to go to to the hair dresser. Like cold sweat, stomach ache panic attack afraid. Especially african american hairdressers.lots of bad even traumatic experience behind that one.
I can go to barber just fine and I do go to an African American barber right now.
Th e y listen and a re gentle and don't straighten.
I am also afraid of people cutting my hair in public places, but not in general and every where, just in big cities in places like the crowded subway when you can't see people and don't have control. Like I am afraid of pocket picking there. So I wear my hair up then.

[Ephemia]

Like cold sweat, stomach ache panic attack afraid.
.
Yes, exactly this.

I kind of worry to an extent about someone random sneaking up behind me and cutting off my hair, but it doesn't really strike me as something very likely to happen in my country. Anything past hip's unusual here, and anything past classic is hardly ever seen. I can't really see myself being unlucky enough to be in the same place at the same time as someone who would want to cut it and who's also carrying scissors. I never go out alone, anyway. Lady Melissa, try wearing your hair in a side plait - that way it'll be over your shoulder most of the time and if someone tried to cut it you'd have more time to notice and react.

Swearnsue, you're right that my childhood wasn't easy. When is it, with Asperger's? But I've no idea if that's why I shed. At that age it could have been hormonal changes, or it could have been because it was summer at the time and my body felt I had too much hair. I guess I'll never know for sure why it happened, or whether it was the cut that stopped it.

Also, I didn't expect to find a fellow Aspie on the forums so quickly! :)