Does anyone get bullied for their hair? Or do people touch it?

[RingletedManiac]

I have thick and curly hair that people, for some reason, love making nasty comments about. Just this past week someone called my hair a "mop," people tell me that my hair is frizzy, people COME UP TO ME AND-- YES, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS -- TOUCH MY HAIR WITHOUT EVEN ASKING, and when I politely tell them to stop, they tell me that it's not a big deal because "it's only hair." IT'S ONLY HAIR?!

I kind of want to punch a hole through their faces but I resist the urge and stay calm.
Sorry for my rage there. But when you have people do this to you every week, it gets tiring, you know? It's not only hair. It's my hair and it's part of MY body.

Do you guys have similar experiences? Please share, I want to know that I'm not alone.

[GrowingOut]

Oh gosh I feel you. If someone sees my hair down, their immediate reaction is to grab it and go, "YOU HAVE LONG HAIR!" It's hit the point where sarcasm is the only defense anymore.

[RingletedManiac]

@GrowingOut:
It's like, is that supposed to be a compliment? People who have long hair know they have long hair. But dang, DON'T FREAKING TOUCH MY HAIR. I don't know where your nasty hands have been! Ugh.

[gwenalyn]

That sucks :( FWIW, though, I think calling your hair a "mop" could be an affectionate gesture. Depends on the tone and exact wording, of course.

[Becs]

People touch my hair without permission ALL THE TIME. I always wear my hair in two braids, and I like to do intricate braids (7 strands with ribbon are a favorite of mine) so people are intrigued because they often haven't seen anyone do their hair like mine before. However, I still find it rude that they touch without even asking. I honestly don't care if people want to touch it, but I'd prefer if they ask first seeing as it is a part of my body. Like, I wouldn't come up to you and just randomly stroke your arm without asking would I? No, because that would be strange. To me it's the same concept. So no, you're not alone in haveig strangers touch your hair without permission

[spidermom]

In general, I'm not bothered if somebody touches my hair. If some really stinky homeless person tried to put his or her hands on it, I'd probably be bothered.

Before I joined LHC, I had no idea that people were bothered by someone touching their hair. Obviously, the "don't touch someone's hair" rule isn't taught to everyone. I'd never touch something covered up, so I think that's the best way to keep someone's hands out of your hair. Bunned would probably work, too.

[AmberJewel]

Oh gosh I feel you. If someone sees my hair down, their immediate reaction is to grab it and go, "YOU HAVE LONG HAIR!" It's hit the point where sarcasm is the only defense anymore.

You could grab theirs and reply, "YOU HAVE SHORT HAIR!!!", then either walk away or just stand there and watch their expression. I'm tempted.

[MINAKO]

The size of my bun seems to be interesting for people behind my back, but nobody would come up to me directly i guess and its no like i was insecure about it because i LOVE it. Thats all that matters to me.
Some friends would call me "the witch" when i wear it down, but that doesnt bother me either, they may be right after all, hah. ;)

[Bindi]

When I had my head partially shaved, people would sometimes touch my bare scalp. Saying "please stop" as soon as you see the hand reaching out works well.

[Seeshami]

I got over people touching me a long time ago. If I am in costume I will be touched. Everyone loves touching the fairy, princess, belly dancer so I just stopped fighting it. Stranger danger hugs happen and I would rather get hugs and do pictures then be mean about it. It's to much effort.

[cathair]

In general, I'm not bothered if somebody touches my hair. If some really stinky homeless person tried to put his or her hands on it, I'd probably be bothered.

Before I joined LHC, I had no idea that people were bothered by someone touching their hair. Obviously, the "don't touch someone's hair" rule isn't taught to everyone. I'd never touch something covered up, so I think that's the best way to keep someone's hands out of your hair. Bunned would probably work, too.

I'm sure they'd be equally bothered by what you've just said, to be honest.

[lapushka]

Doesn't happen. I don't meet people that often, so... besides, it's always up in a bun, so no worries there.

[Upside Down]

Hmmm I guess long hair is not so uncommon here. I was called (shouted at) Kasandra (http://images3.kurir.rs/slika-620x419/koraima-tores-1400534637-500687.jpg) once when the show was madly popular here :lol:
Back then I was bothered because I really have a problem with soap shows and how popular they are/were.

In high school people did touch my hair and mostly they would put fingers around it as if to make a ponytail, and be all surprised about how it isn't huge (curly hair superpowers ;) ). I remember this happen twice with two different people :lol:

But that didn't bother me at all :shrug:

Now, no. It is up most of the time, if down I am older and have a different 'vibe' and if someone should try I would stop them.

[spidermom]

I'm sure they'd be equally bothered by what you've just said, to be honest.

I don't doubt it. When I worked in downtown Seattle, I had quite a few interactions with homeless people, and it's never far from my mind that most of us are only a few personal catastrophes away from being homeless ourselves, especially in the U.S. of A.

[butter52]

RingletedManiac, I know its super annoying ( gosh my landlord pulled out one of my grays, just without asking! I wanted to KILL).

But also...its because they love it. I am fascinated by amazing curls african people have and i must refrain from touching it, but i want to touch it because it looks amazing.

So its a compliment. An annoying one but a compliment.

[Disalv]

No one has ever tried to be mean on intention about my hair, but because I've inherited my mothers coarse hair I have gotten a lot of comments on it, especially from people with straight and silky hair. Comments like why it's like that, unwanted haircare advice and so on. I've been really conscious about my hair since i hit puberty and the texture changed BUT I've come to love it because I know it will never change and the only thing to do is to deal with it, because it's not the typical nordic hair and because I love that it's something I'm born with as an inheritance from my mother.

[ClassicAim]

I have very dense 4a African hair and live in England. I get unsolicited touches by both Europeans and black people. European people seem to be fascinated by my 'afro' and black people seem to be fascinated by its length (it grew to APL without effort, which some people tell me is unusual) and its curliness. I avoid it by wearing hats or ducking when someone is reaching a hand. Sometimes they touch from the back which is annoying. I don't think its fair that people touch me without asking. Overall, I've just had to become less upset with people touching my hair so I don't get too bothered by it. One of my friends had great success by being very mean to people who touched her hair, but I just don't have it in me sadly.

[HappyHair87]

I have thick 3c hair that has crazy shrinkage. I'm at SL to Apl when curly. I don't really have a problem with ppl touching my hair...

My thing is...with MY kind of hair...u have to know HOW to touch it. I will get angry if you come up and just rake your fingers through it...bc I wasn't going for Mufasa today. I'm already Simba!

Or when they just come up and pull one of my curls allllllllll the way down to see how far it goes (my waist)....and then I have to put water on it and wait for it to shrink back up with the rest. Meanwhile said wet curl is just dangling randomly as it slowly shrinks.

I've started to just wear it in a bun most days now.

[-Fern]

I have very dense 4a African hair and live in England. I get unsolicited touches by both Europeans and black people. European people seem to be fascinated by my 'afro' and black people seem to be fascinated by its length (it grew to APL without effort, which some people tell me is unusual) and its curliness. I avoid it by wearing hats or ducking when someone is reaching a hand. Sometimes they touch from the back which is annoying. I don't think its fair that people touch me without asking. Overall, I've just had to become less upset with people touching my hair so I don't get too bothered by it. One of my friends had great success by being very mean to people who touched her hair, but I just don't have it in me sadly.

:laugh: On the flip side, I used to live in a rural part of Africa, where it was very rare for locals to see a white person. If I was on public transport or taking a trip to the city, women would always reach out and grab my hair to touch it and tug it to see if it was real. I got to be pretty relaxed about that, since at least it was always women (a man touching it would have been completely appalling to everyone). I also had at least two people offer to buy my hair so they could make extensions out of it.

Now that I've been back in the States for a few years, I'm not quite sure how I would react! Though I'm pretty sure I would still be appalled if a strange man touched my hair.

[Hurven]

When I was little my hair was type 1A hair, but when puberty hit my hair gradually started turning more wavy and now I'm somewhere between 1C and 2A, and even 2B or 2C some days. My mother has type 2B/2C hair, so I inherited her hair. But the thing is, my mother always makes fun of me because of my hair even though she has almost the same hairtype! I just can't understand it! And she always tells me that I should straighten my hair so it will look more sleek and sophisticated. When I tell her that I love my waves, she just laughs at me. :confused:

My sister also makes fun of my hair sometimes. She has type 1B hair which she braids at night so it will become wavy. I don't understand why she makes fun of my hair, when she obviously wants waves herself! :confused:

[endlessly]

Yes, all the time. I've heard so many hateful, nasty comments that I could easily fill several books on the subject now!

The worst one happened just shy of two years ago when I had a little old woman come up to me in Target, point to my hair, and tell me that people like me are responsible for cancer. I just honestly never fully understood that one and while part of me just writes it off as her being a loony, it was absolutely mortifying since Target is almost always packed. More than one person turned to give me a dirty look when I hadn't done anything wrong.

Otherwise, I've gotten a lot of the "Your hair is too long, you need to cut it" comments and more than a handful of "What would you do if I just cut it all off?" Thankfully, I've gotten much better with handling that situation and I've found most don't know quite how to respond to a woman equipped with a sharp jab of sarcasm. I had an encounter with a now ex-coworker who basically threatened to come up behind me and cut off all my hair and I very sweetly replied that turnabout is fair play and I would have to take something of his. Confused, he told me he didn't have long hair so I couldn't touch him whereas I once again very sweetly responded that I was quite sure I'd be able to find something of his that dangled and needed trimming.

Oh, and I suppose I shouldn't forget the "Are you growing your hair to donate it?" and when you respond with 'no', they immediately tell you you're selfish, thoughtless, rude, and a bitch. My response to those people now is to just tell them that if they think so highly of hair donation, then they should grow it out and donate their own hair versus bullying someone else. Most people don't like being told they're a bully, so they'll stop at that, but there are always the really persistent a-holes out there that will keep picking on you no matter what you say. Silence, in those cases, is always the best option.

I've been bullied a lot in my life - all throughout school, by my extended family, friends, etc. - and it's been for many different reasons. Thankfully, I've gotten stronger over the years to better handle myself, but no matter how strong you seem, words still hurt. The threats and mean comments about my hair are honestly completely trivial in comparison to everything else I've been told about myself, so I think that's why I'm probably able to handle those a bit better.

[yldchyld]

people just want to pet something that looks nice. they can't resist.

[AmethystLily]

Some even have the nerve to act as if YOU (general "you") are wrong when you stand up to them and say you don't approve of their touches or comments. I've had that happen to me a few times in school years ago. Then they accused me of wearing fake hair because I wouldn't let them run their fingers through it.... acting as if I'm afraid their fingers would be caught in "tracks" or "extensions." :shake:

[ClassicAim]

-Fern - its very interesting that it happens the other way around too :). the cultural aspect of only women touching your hair is also very fascinating. In England both men and women touch my hair but thinking about it is more women than men. I wonder if there is somewhere in the world in which cultural pressure would be so strong on both genders that none touches people unsolicited? :)

[ClassicAim]

endlessly - thats very sad :( but its good you've found sarcasm and other ways to counteract it :).

AmethystLily - Yep, I've encountered those kinds of people too. I cant help but think if the tables were turned and I touched them would they like it?

[Doreen]

I don't know what it is, but I must give off a no-touch vibe in general. I experience a lot of bullying, though, mostly from people in my life who just don't understand my hair. The thing is, they don't NEED to understand -- it's my body, not theirs. The most invasive thing that anyone's done to me lately is a friend of mine asked the dreaded question, "What would you do if I cut your hair off?" while giving my braid a tug. My heart stopped for a half second there, before I told her to please stop because it was making me extremely uncomfortable. She apologized, so I guess it's okay, but at the same time what propels people to ask things like that? It sounds so much like a threat! I am also not a very confrontational person, so it's hard to tell people, especially ones that I'm friends with, to f--k off and not touch me or to tell them how inappropriate it is to ask that! I hate myself for it, but I usually don't say anything at all besides a meek "No please stop." I seriously hate that question though. HATE. Just. What is wrong with them that they think it's okay to ask that.....

Or 'encouraging' aka trying to guilt me into donating it, which I guess they can find some justification for 'morally' or whatever. Partially I don't want to be seen as selfish and might try to explain my choices more, but mostly I realize that I don't NEED to explain the choices I make to anyone when it doesn't affect them in any way!

I have never tried to convince someone to grow their hair long and take care of it the way I do -- I realize it's not for everyone. It's a personal hobby just as much as people like to paint their nails, do their makeup, go shopping, etc. Like, some may say my hair is my vanity, but I think most people (not all, but most) have some vain hobby. It's not hurting anyone. I wish it would go the other way around and that others would stop asking me.

When someone has touched my hair without permission, I have felt very angry and upset. A few times I have gone shopping or out to eat and someone has grabbed my braid from behind to tell me how long it is, treating me like a dog on a leash. I was so terrified that I just left the building each time, and now wear my hair up when I go out. I wouldn't have a problem if they asked nicely, but approaching ANYONE from behind like that is a big no-no regardless of how long their hair is!

I dunno. This post is pretty long. I try not to think of it much because there are worse things in the world to complain about but it does bother me a lot when stuff like that happens.

[curlylocks85]

I have thick and curly hair that people, for some reason, love making nasty comments about. Just this past week someone called my hair a "mop," people tell me that my hair is frizzy, people COME UP TO ME AND-- YES, THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENS -- TOUCH MY HAIR WITHOUT EVEN ASKING, and when I politely tell them to stop, they tell me that it's not a big deal because "it's only hair." IT'S ONLY HAIR?!

I kind of want to punch a hole through their faces but I resist the urge and stay calm.
Sorry for my rage there. But when you have people do this to you every week, it gets tiring, you know? It's not only hair. It's my hair and it's part of MY body.

Do you guys have similar experiences? Please share, I want to know that I'm not alone.


You are definitely not alone. I have been teased, bullied, harassed, endured nasty comments, and, people touching my hair without permission. It does not matter if they think your hair is not important. It is illegal to put your hands on someone else's person without permission; your hair is included as your person. You could politely tell these people this fact the next time they touch you, any part of you, and that you have no problems following through on calling the authorities for harassment. This is what I would do. Of course, the decision of how you handle this situation is up to you. I have come to realize, from my own experiences, the more people treat you poorly, the more they are showing you how insecure they are about their selves. It is easier for these people to pick on someone and try to make them feel bad, so they can feel better that you feel bad. Do not listen. If there is a way to avoid these people, do it. If you cannot, just ignore them, stand your ground when they touch you, and change the topic if it comes up. Curls rock! :)

[curlylocks85]

Doreen Your signature photo is beautiful - I love your braid. :)

[missrandie]

I was harassed a lot for my long hair when I was younger... in a grade school class of 25 kids, I would get the donation question at least once a week. I never understood how to respond appropriately, except for telling them NO.
as for people asking what I would do if they cut it off, I never had good comebacks for that one either.

Now that I'm a little quicker with my acerbic tongue and sarcasm, I'm sure I will be able to come up with some good ones when I have to. The best I can think of at the moment is answer "take it as an assault and handle it as such" with my most deadly look. That should give them pause.

[missrandie]

Totally double posted.

[Doreen]

Doreen Your signature photo is beautiful - I love your braid. :)

Thank you! Two of my friends did it for me! (I actually quite like when people I trust play with my hair)
:o

[burny]

are you growing your hair to donate? no, are you growing your kidney to donate?

[yahirwaO.o]

I dont get bullied because I simply dont let those comments affect me. Easy as that!

Now keeping a positive attitude and giving a nice smile to "limited and ignorant" people makes everything very peaceful.

And pretty much being called "Indian", "Goth", or "Girl" are not a bad thing itself...I love all those tags.

But then again I havent recieved a bad comment straight to my face in some years.... there must something good around my aura LOL

[cocoahair]

wow I have never had anyone touch me without asking but I think I put off a severe vibe(unintentional, I just have one of those faces) and would absolutely tell someone off if they dared touch my hair

[curlylocks85]

You could grab theirs and reply, "YOU HAVE SHORT HAIR!!!", then either walk away or just stand there and watch their expression. I'm tempted.

LOL, Good one. :)

[RoseofCimarron]

OP, you have my total sympathy. :grouphug: I don't have very curly hair (wurly on a good day, straight most of the time), I wear it up most of the time, but sometimes I wear it in either a ponytail or a braid, and I have had quite a few people come up and touch it. I'm fine when it is a person that I know (like my friend who is going to beauty school and loves my hair), but when it is a stranger... NO. Both men and women like to touch my hair, but I find it interesting how they touch it differently. Most of the guys I know touch it gently in kind of an admiring way, but most of the girls that touch it are aggressive. I have had random women come up to me, grab a chunk of my hair (or the whole ponytail or braid), and yank it in varying degrees of hardness. When I ask them why they did that, it is always the same answer, "I wanted to see if it was extensions, it can't be real!" Some people just have no boundaries, and if they make you feel uncomfortable for touching your hair, you have every right to tell them that. It is not "just hair," it is a part of your body, and they probably wouldn't like it if you touched their body without permission. Your hair is not public property.

[MINAKO]

I have had random women come up to me, grab a chunk of my hair (or the whole ponytail or braid), and yank it in varying degrees of hardness. When I ask them why they did that, it is always the same answer, "I wanted to see if it was extensions, it can't be real!"
This happened to me exactly one time, and i learned from it. maybe i would have responded appropriately right away if i hadnt been all dolled up at my BFFs birthday party. I yelled at the stupid b!tch who yanked my ponytail, but the correct answer would actually be something along the lines of... BAAAAAAAM BAAAM BAAAM BAAAAAAAAM BAAAAM!!!
Im not kidding, there is a line that shall never be crossed with me. People can say whatever they want, but dont pull that move, unless you fancy a swollen face.

[TangledUpInBlue]

The worst I've dealt with is from my own mom. My hair is really difficult to deal with. If it's short, it's wild and unruly. If it's long, it's frizzy and tangles easily. My mom's "solution" was to have them cut my hair short and then accuse me *every single morning* of not brushing it when was was really happening was that I brushed it, broke apart the curls, and couldn't do anything to make my hair look tidy afterwards. When I tried to grow it out long on the principle that it looked less stupid that way, my mom rolled her eyes because she thinks maintaining long hair is a waste of time.

That's actually why I'm here, because no one has ever figured out how to care for my hair properly.

[Mimha]

I dont get bullied because I simply dont let those comments affect me. Easy as that!

Now keeping a positive attitude and giving a nice smile to "limited and ignorant" people makes everything very peaceful.

And pretty much being called "Indian", "Goth", or "Girl" are not a bad thing itself...I love all those tags.

But then again I havent recieved a bad comment straight to my face in some years.... there must something good around my aura LOL


I'm sure there is something good around your aura, yahirwao ! :) :blossom:

Your post is definitely the wisest (and sweetest^^) I have found on the matter. I will try to remeber it next time I feel like crying or punching someone's face, for whatever reason due to human meanness, jealousy, agressivity, ignorance or plain stupidity.

[mewmew]

Oh my gosh, is this something that happens to people? Having a stranger touching any part of my body without permission would give me a panic attack.

I've never really had hair eye-catching enough to draw any real kind of attention from strangers. But that must be horrible. You all have my sympathies!

[Lunearia]

I don't care if someone wants to touch my hair.

I however do have a problem with random people touching me without my consent, whether it's my hair or a bodypart. The hair is mine so it would really bother me if someone just grabbed it. I think it's inappropriate. As long as they're nice and decent about it, I'm okay with it. :) I suppose my hair is not long enough to draw that kind of attention yet (don't really know if I'm sad or happy about that?).

[Entangled]

As I don't like people touching me unless they're family or close friends, having strangers touch my hair would be unsettling. I'm fine if people ask me, but without permission I would feel a little violated. I like personal space.

[mewmew]

I don't know if I'd even be okay with it if someone asked first. It would never occur to me to approach a stranger and ask to touch their hair because it looked nice or unusual, so I don't think my brain can process why someone would do it to me. but again, never been in that position, so I can't say for sure what I'd do!

I think the only situation where I'd be okay with it would be if it was a small child or something. A friend of mine gets a lot of attention from kids because she has a full sleeve tattoo that's full of things like cupcakes and rainbows, and children literally rush up to her on the street sometimes and ask her about it, asking if they can touch it, and so on. That's actually quite sweet to see.

[Entangled]

Now that I think about it, a total stranger asking to touch my hair would weird me out. I still might let them, as I don't like conflict much, but even close friends need to ask before they mess with my hair. Even family, actually, unless it's a kid.

[truepeacenik]

Well, I'm generally conflicted about touch by strangers.
I'm used to the whole "hippie jam band crew" hugging everyone bit, and usually ok when it's a psychedelic induced "ooooh pretty" reaction, because I'm aware of what happens to boundaries under psychedelics or other self-dissolving experiences.

But as I work on people with serious "do not think of touching my hair" attitudes, and yes, it's because of wigs and weaves/extensions, I've noticed the unsolicited touches actually bother me.

Probably the worst actually was a tripping hippie issue.
New Years eve, Furthur (what's left of the Grateful Dead), lots of LSD, and I was sent into the women's restroom to check on someone.
She was fine, and as I was leaving (by way of hand washing sinks, it's a restroom full of people not thinking about washing, or alternately, playing in the open tap for several minutes), a woman, who seemed to have appointed herself the bathroom happiness fairy grabbed my hair. It was down because dancing with braids is mean and selfish. THWACK! ;)
I froze. I had some LSD, but not enough to do much more than tilt my perception ever so slightly (my ex called that the true personality dose) and shut down my synesthasia. So the usual "she's just high and or curious" filter was blown out.

So I whirled on her and asked if she had asked permission to touch my body. (Of course not) I then tore into my whole "people have rights to personal space and a simple asking is necessary." Then I asked if she would just grab a handful of dreadlocks.
It rattled her. So I piled on that hair is as much a part of our bodies as our vaginas or breasts. And as personal to many people.
She sputtered a few excuses and justifications, and then hit her own defensive mode and said, "this is a safe place! No one gets hurt here."
While the overview is typically true, women get raped on tour, people disappear, thugs get in costume and hide in our tie dyed weirdness, heck, the DEA was on tour in the 1980s.

I told her that the way you get to be old and cranky on tour is by surviving, and the kids have a lot to learn, and there are women willing to teach it.
Tour is safer because feminists like me stood up to the rapists and abusers. You are f-n welcome.


To this day, the woman I went in to retrieve will tell the story of when tpn almost got in a fight. I am legend, it seems.

[DreamSheep]

Hmm, I was bullied a lot when my hair was shorter.
My hair being quite thick (and just mildly wavy) means it looks like a weird helmet - so there would be a divide of people who HATED it, and people who were fascinated by it and would just ruffle and touch it without asking.

I'm usually fine with people I know touching my hair and complimenting it, and I like my hair to be acknowledged - but when I was little there were a couple of times random guy-strangers did that and it did make me feel uncomfortable, as they went off sneering and saying I needed a haircut.

With long hair, no one has touched my hair without my permission, but if someone asked and their hands were clean, I wouldn't mind, I like my hair being played with. :) And no one has made fun of my long hair (not too much anyway)

[meteor]

It would never occur to me to approach a stranger and ask to touch their hair because it looked nice or unusual

^ :agree: It never occurred to me either... I guess I think everybody has their own hair, and it's all pretty much the same dead keratin, so I kind of don't understand why somebody would want to touch mine: it's not like long-hair is alien-hair. :lol:

When people touch my hair, I'm OK with it, it doesn't bother me, I just prefer it not to be done sneakily, behind my back. Also, I don't get it when adults pull on my braids, I don't get mad or anything, of course, I just find it a bit childish and awkward, to be perfectly honest. :lol:

[Halliday]

people touch my hair and mess with it and then go "oh it's so tangly/knotty" like GO AWAY JUST LEAVE

[VisionOne]

A year ago when I was at a musical and wore my hair loose beacuse I had done beautiful heat-free curls someone touched it. It was a lady seated in the row behind me and she kind of let her hand slide over my curls. I think she might have been a little bit drunk or just thought my hair looked nice because it did not feel like the gesture was meant in a mean way (or compleatly thought through for that matter). It was still unpleasant though. There I was trying to enjoy the musical and then I just feel someone touch my hair. Anyhow I gave her an irritated look and placed my hair in front of me instead of over the back of the theatre seat.

I have never gotten bullied about my hair, some of my friends comment when it is greasy but I usually just turn the whole thing into a joke by joking about how I am a lazy girl. It is kind of accepted to have somewhat greasy hair in my class, which is good because it means I can stretch washes.

[meteor]

Anyhow I gave her an irritated look and placed my hair in front of me instead of over the back of the theatre seat.

I think it's very smart to wear hair over the shoulder whenever it's down or in a braid/ponytail in public. :agree: People still might try to touch it, but you are more likely to catch it or they are more likely to ask for your permission first.

[gwenalyn]

A friend in middle school told me I had bald spots and teased me for it. It may have been true, but I think more likely it was a cowlick that was causing scalp cleavage the way I let my hair hang. My hair was much finer and thinner at the time, which I'm sure exacerbated it. She may have intended it to be helpful, but tact is not something people have in middle school!

I only had a stranger touch my hair once, and they asked my permission first. Honestly, I think she (black) thought I was black, because she looked so surprised when I turned around so she could see my face, and I later learned that my hairtype is often envied by some in the black community. Otherwise, I find curly hair fascinating and beautiful and *long* to touch it, but I'm one of those big-personal-space people so I've never done it to random strangers, and only once, when tipsy, to a friend. It was just so golden and curly and beautiful, ahh ...

It's definitely rude and unacceptable to touch people without their permission (unless you're squished inside a train and can't help it, I guess), but I'd take comfort in the fact that it's a (weird) compliment, if it makes you feel better.


ndian", "Goth", or "Girl" are not a bad thing itself...I love all those tags.


Admirable attitude!


The worst one happened just shy of two years ago when I had a little old woman come up to me in Target, point to my hair, and tell me that people like me are responsible for cancer. I just honestly never fully understood that one and while part of me just writes it off as her being a loony, it was absolutely mortifying since Target is almost always packed.

What? That is just bizarre.



I had some LSD, but not enough to do much more than tilt my perception ever so slightly (my ex called that the true personality dose) and shut down my synesthasia. So the usual "she's just high and or curious" filter was blown out.

(derail) woah! LSD can temporarily shut down synesthesia? I've never been more tempted!

[Colochita]

I don't get bothered about my hair anymore.

The only situation I remember was when an African American girl who exclusively wears weaves found out I was going natural (and saw it after I cut my hair). She would laugh and say things like: "I don't know why you want nappy hair. You're black. You don't/won't have good hair." etc.

It didn't bother me too much from someone living in weaves because she'd fried out her own hair with relaxers.

[hennalonghair]

(derail) woah! LSD can temporarily shut down synesthesia? I've never been more tempted!:lol:


I don't get bothered about my hair anymore.

The only situation I remember was when an African American girl who exclusively wears weaves found out I was going natural (and saw it after I cut my hair). She would laugh and say things like: "I don't know why you want nappy hair. You're black. You don't/won't have good hair." etc.

It didn't bother me too much from someone living in weaves because she'd fried out her own hair with relaxers.

I hope you don't feel picked on but I have found black people are REALLY hard on each other about their hair. If most of them are relaxing their hair or wearing weaves they do pressure other women to do the same and do it quite harshly. I was very surprised by this. You'd think that they'd be more empathetic and supportive of each other but it rarely seems to happen. Your experience seems to be quite common which is really quite sad :( I've got 4 biracial nieces and nephews and they get this quite often.

[woodswanderer]

No bullying, but I do get a lot of touching. I am sure some have had negative feelings about my hair, but they don't pipe up about it. I usually get positivity, curiosity, or sometimes shock.

Peope do touch my hair without permission. I have kids at work that touch my hair, and that doesn't bother me unless they have grubby hands. I guess I just try to be understanding because the younger ones often lack boundaries. Most of them outgrow it by 4th grade anyway. What does bother me is when adults touch my hair without permission. I don't get mad exactly, but it is uncomfortable. This happens a few times a year.

[yahirwaO.o]

I'm sure there is something good around your aura, yahirwao ! :) :blossom:

Your post is definitely the wisest (and sweetest^^) I have found on the matter. I will try to remeber it next time I feel like crying or punching someone's face, for whatever reason due to human meanness, jealousy, agressivity, ignorance or plain stupidity.

YAY!!!!! I like it a lot when someone feels a bit better about facing this crazy world. :o:o:o

About history of touches... it hardly ever happens with strangers, except one time in a bus a guy was creppy staring at me just behind my back and when I try to move my head a ripped off sound came along, my hair was about waist lenght at the time and down and I did give him the mean look :mad:.. yeah that was the only time...

But all my relatives and friends know very well I dont like my hair being touched unless they ask and my uncle is the only person in this world who can dutch braid my hair

[Puffer Fish]

Yep, but (thankfully?) it's only by my mother. She hated having long hair as a kid so she thinks I should hate it too; I'm constantly dealing with 'you should get a haircut' and 'don't you think your hair is getting a bit too long?'

But the worst is when I'm talking to her about something completely irrelevant and she gets in my bubble and starts petting my hair and tugging on my ends, which she only ever does when she thinks my hair is too long and wants to take scissors to it herself but doesn't want to say anything!

:couch:

ETA: I just remembered I had a "friend" at a summer camp once back in my shortie-short hair days who would constantly ruffle my hair and call me "feathers" because of how soft and wavy my hair was. it would have been nice, except they would NOT stop petting my head and harassing me about it. No wonder I don't like people touching my hair now, between that girl and my mother...blarg.

[Shadow Walker]

I used to get bullied at work over my hair all the time, in fact it was so bad at one point I was ready to cut it all off. Not many people touch it though, it's typically someone I know on the rare occasion it happens.

[truepeacenik]

A kiddo got caught in my hair today. Thought I was Ariel. Ha.

To the derail, psychedelics and synesthesia play differently with everyone, and often seem to have a range of effects.
Personally, I was terrified the colors would never come back on.
No more piddly dosages for me.
My crossover is predominately sound to color, with the odd scent crossover to sound. Yeah, that's fun.

[StarsandFire]

My boss at my first job at of college was crazy. She got mad whenever I wore my hair done and she constantly harassed me, trying to convince me to cut and donate my hair. She made up a story about how she had cut off her hair for a little girl with cancer. Anyways, she's the type to deceive herself and always told us stories about how she was friends with Barack Obama and Sheryl Sandberg, so I didn't believe her. I obviously refused to cut off my hair because it was none of her business, and what do you know, she starts wearing crazy long hair extensions to the office everyday. Some people are just plain nasty and jealous.

[Jenn_Ivan]

My ex was a really, really mean abusive man and he used to tell me I was lucky that he didn't cut my hair off while I was sleeping. He also grabbed me by my hair as I turned around to walk away from him once. Other than that, I usually get compliments about my hair. I don't like being touched but people have touched my hair before (without asking) and it makes me feel very uncomfortable. My younger sister always asks me if she can brush it.

[Colochita]

I hope you don't feel picked on but I have found black people are REALLY hard on each other about their hair. If most of them are relaxing their hair or wearing weaves they do pressure other women to do the same and do it quite harshly. I was very surprised by this. You'd think that they'd be more empathetic and supportive of each other but it rarely seems to happen. Your experience seems to be quite common which is really quite sad :( I've got 4 biracial nieces and nephews and they get this quite often.

It is sadly very common.

I don't feel picked on, though. I guess sometimes I feel pressured to "contain" my hair while in a professional environment, but no one has demanded that I straighten it yet, so that's good.

I've really grown into loving my hair and doing what I want with it. :)

[Hairkay]

It is sadly very common.

I don't feel picked on, though. I guess sometimes I feel pressured to "contain" my hair while in a professional environment, but no one has demanded that I straighten it yet, so that's good.

I've really grown into loving my hair and doing what I want with it. :)

I'm fortunate that no one from family to friends has commented on how I keep my hair. I've only witnessed one girl when I was 14 being coaxed to relax her hair by other classmates. She didn't take their advice. From what I can see there seems to be much more pressure in places in the USA to have relaxers and or weaves. The only one who dared mentioned that I would look nice with straight hair was this teen of Welsh decent where I used to work. I more or less told her I wasn't going to torture myself for the look of straight hair when my curls are perfectly fine.

[Swan Maiden]

I can think of one time in particular that someone touching my hair was very unwelcome. It was about 7 years ago. My hair was about bsl and I had it in twin braids. It was my day off but I had to go into my workplace for something. This guy whom was dating my friend at the time worked in this building. He came up to me and pulled on my braids and said something similar to "Swan Maiden, how did you know I like those braids" in a sexual manner. I kind of froze in disbelief and left in a rush. I told my friend what her beau had did and said, she still ended up marrying and divorcing him.

[truepeacenik]

I'm fortunate that no one from family to friends has commented on how I keep my hair. I've only witnessed one girl when I was 14 being coaxed to relax her hair by other classmates. She didn't take their advice. From what I can see there seems to be much more pressure in places in the USA to have relaxers and or weaves. The only one who dared mentioned that I would look nice with straight hair was this teen of Welsh decent where I used to work. I more or less told her I wasn't going to torture myself for the look of straight hair when my curls are perfectly fine.
Sure. And most of us with floppy, straight hair would look nice with curls, but won't risk perm or heat damage.

Some people.

[Hairkay]

Sure. And most of us with floppy, straight hair would look nice with curls, but won't risk perm or heat damage.

Some people.

Yeah, some people, especially when I'd made it known that I have super sensitive skin with a lot of allergies.

[*ReiKa*]

People often touch my hair, but their intentions are always positive, they like it, they compliment it and want to feel it in their hands. I do get uncomfortable cos they don't ask, I will suddenly feel someone grabbing my hair and touch it.... and they think it's totally ok.... I never managed to make them understand that a little consideration by asking me first would be really appreciated...

I never got bullied for my hair thank god, I couldn't stand it and could get very aggressive...
The only exception to this is a colleague of mine at work, he once told me that my hair got really long now and should think about getting a haircut.... I politely told him to mind his business and think about his hair....
I mean, if you don't like very long hair is your problem... I don't like very short hair as a matter of fact... But I don't go to tell people that their hair is too short and should grow it a little, so why should I get told to cut it?

[paulam89]

believe it or not, i got bullied in work by a colleague recently because i had to cut my hair due to bleach damage. I was fixing it in work in front of the mirror in our office and she gasped so loudly and dramatically that i jumped and looked at her immediately. she shouted out in front of all the other people i work with.. "OMG look at that short short hair deary me , you certainly did wreck your hair didnt you?" what a total witch...

[Lady Katherine]

Not as much now, even though it still happens. When I was younger (like 5-9) I would have random old ladies at Wal-Mart touch my hair. The would tell me that they had red hair when they were younger. I think it was an excuse most of the time, and it really creeped me out. I still shutter when I think of it.

[cocoahair]

:scissors:
I mean, if you don't like very long hair is your problem... I don't like very short hair as a matter of fact... But I don't go to tell people that their hair is too short and should grow it a little, so why should I get told to cut it?
Amen!:thumbsup:

[brickworld13]

I got bullied mercilessly when I was in school. It stopped when I graduated high school. My hair was one of their favorite topics. However, I don't really find it good for my mental health to dwell on the mean people. I'm sorry you all have had bad experiences, but it won't do me any good to recall the specifics of being bullied so many years ago.

[hennalonghair]

I've had many incidents of people not only touching my hair but pulling on it to see if it was real. It rarely happens any more because I usually have it up and now i live I the country where I don't have as many people around me.
When I lived in the city I often had people just come up to me and start touchng me. If I had it in a braid or ponytail I've had women come right up and tug at it. I'm far from a touchy feely person and I'd find this very disturbing. The women would then laugh, turn all red and apologize saying they figured it wasn't real.
I would never dream of touching anyone without their permission. It's really crossing boundaries that shouldn't be crossed so yes it bothers me.

[burny]

the "just coming up and tugging" on it that so many of you have experienced is terrible. I just can't imagine what would posses someone to do that, especially the "thinking it's not real" thing... so their intent was just to ruin your hair and laugh at you? I don't understand people!. Fortunately I've never had this experience(only a couple times I've had people touch it without asking first). Part of me understands and thinks it's not a big deal, but the cynical/sarcastic side of me wants to retort with "oh, your boobs look nice, can I touch them?". I would never say that though, cause I'm a fan of curiosity, and appreciate the request for permission.. and know that in the moment, people will often say things that don't exactly mean what they are thinking. eg. "your hair looks nice, can I touch it" vs "I've never seen hair like that, I wonder if it feels as unique as it looks".

But just grabbing hair is inexcusable.. *grrr*, my condolences for anyone who's had to endure that :(

[Safira]

I don't mind people touching my hair. Usually they just wonder the curls, thickness and colour. And I do have a bad habit to touch someones hair (not without asking first) if that hair is thick and in good condition. I like to make braids to people. Sometimes at work my colleagues who have long hair, ask me to make braids to them :)

[veryhairyfairy]

I've never had it happen to me, but I have to wonder why on earth those women tugging on other's hair think what they are doing is okay???

The only thing that they could have been expecting is for the hair to come out/undone/fall off, right? A wig, pony extension, or clip ins would just come off in a horribly inconveniencing (and probably embarrassing) way.

To me, that's like tugging on a woman's skirt to make it fall off, you know? What's the point (besides causing mental harm to a stranger)?

Things like this are the reason I think my cats are better than most people, and they'll chew on my hair given the opportunity! :lol:

[hennalonghair]

No thinking even required here.
My dogs ARE better than people! :thumbsup:

[hennalonghair]

Yes it's like the equivalent of someone coming up and feeling your breasts to see if they are real or not.
Just not appropriate!

[brickworld13]

Yes it's like the equivalent are someone coming up and feeling your breasts to see if they are real or not.
Just not appropriate!

Which is really uncomfortable and inappropriate when THAT happens. Hair touches creep me out. Body touches piss me off. Just because I have extreme curves does NOT mean you get to "examine" them with impunity. I don't go out anymore because people make me mad. It sucks that bodily autonomy is not respected.

[Knifegill]

If anybody ever grabbed my hair I'd grab their genitals. "It's just tissues".

[silvurgrin]

Once, my coworker was holding some scissors, and asked what I'd do if he cut off my hair. I grabbed a pen and told him I'd stab him in the eye with it if he tried. He said, good thing I'm wearing glasses, then! I told him that glasses had never stopped me before. He left me alone after that....

[chen bao jun]

I don't know how much it is a racial thing and how much as curls in general thing but yeah, people always have their hands in my hair, short or long. black people, white people, every body. I think springy ringlets just fascinate everybody. In fact, I am growing long hair partly because then I can wear it up and deal with the handling by admiring strangers less.

Last year someone grabbing a curl actually scratched my forehead so that it bled.

I think I pretty much take this in stride, and realize it's meant as a compliment, but I d o like people who ask a lot better.

What I found intolerable though it's a long time ago now was the constant harassment, bullying, threat s and actually being beaten up as a kid and teenager by other black girls and teenage girls who were full of toxic envy of what was considered to be 'pretty hair'. Yeah, every hair type should be considered pretty, but you still don't have a right to punish another kid because other people admire them, you know? Especially not with extreme physical violence. Though just threats are bad enough.

Toxic.

But envy is a terrible thing, with terrifying results all too often both for the envied and the envier.

And it's what some of you other ladies are also dealing with.

[hendrickx]

When I first started growing my hair I loved any movement at all. Here it is a few years later and I'm getting more protective because I want the entire length to where my longest hairs are now. People who I have told that it's OK: I don't mind at all. They respect and admire it and lots of them like to do braids or cute updos with it. I'm a guy, but I'll totally leave it that way just to see if I can get away with it.

What makes me nuts is the people I barely know that I might see two or three times a year being rough on it. I'm like "Hey, this is years of work to grow this, be gentle!" and they act all offended. Sorry. Growing hair that looks good is WORK. If you realize and appreciate that, sure, touch away, as you understand how to treat it. If I don't know you or you have no idea, STAY AWAY!

In other words, I agree with most of you. Ask first, if I say good, then sure. It's no different then if I grabbed the hem or sleeve of your dress because I liked the material and wanted to see hat it felt like. Huge invasion, but if I asked first you might consider it, especially if I led off that I sew and quilt a lot and think the material is beautiful.

[Vivalagina]

I've told people how beautiful I think their hair is, but it's never crossed my mind to ask to touch it. That just seems so weird to me.

[brickworld13]

When I first started growing my hair I loved any movement at all. Here it is a few years later and I'm getting more protective because I want the entire length to where my longest hairs are now. People who I have told that it's OK: I don't mind at all. They respect and admire it and lots of them like to do braids or cute updos with it. I'm a guy, but I'll totally leave it that way just to see if I can get away with it.

What makes me nuts is the people I barely know that I might see two or three times a year being rough on it. I'm like "Hey, this is years of work to grow this, be gentle!" and they act all offended. Sorry. Growing hair that looks good is WORK. If you realize and appreciate that, sure, touch away, as you understand how to treat it. If I don't know you or you have no idea, STAY AWAY!

In other words, I agree with most of you. Ask first, if I say good, then sure. It's no different then if I grabbed the hem or sleeve of your dress because I liked the material and wanted to see hat it felt like. Huge invasion, but if I asked first you might consider it, especially if I led off that I sew and quilt a lot and think the material is beautiful.

I like the way you compared it to clothes. I sometimes have people try to touch my crafting projects of all kinds if I'm out in public, and that also drives me batty. Why can't people just be respectful of what obviously belongs to someone else?

[Calypso]

I've had the 'what would you do if I cut it off?' question from friends, and I've never found it offensive. Obviously my friends aren't actually going to cut it off... sometimes you just get curious about how people would react if you did a weird or horrible thing. Me and my friends ask each other strange questions like that all the time!

[Garnetgem]

I have had comments and not all good ones either but there will always be people who criticize,i have been called all kinds someone once said as i passed "Oh here comes the hair on legs" i didn't take offence if anything i wanted to laugh but waited until they were out of earshot,but i have had a few cruel things said too but i have come to realize its part of having long hair i don't think there isn't anything i haven't heard anymore!

as for touch yes it gets touched and i don't like it people seem to think its okay to do that and its irritating,once a guy he must have been in his 60's and he grabbed it hard and tugged fast when i turned around he asked me if it were a wig i hurried off i was not happy about it being touched never mind tugged until my scalp hurt,since then i tie it back whenever i venture out its safer!

[lapis_lazuli]

Ugh! My sister just does not understand boundaries. I had my hair down for a brief moment over the holidays and she decides to stick her hands in it. When I rightfully tell her to stop, she sneers at me as if I'm overreacting. This is why I should just wear my hair up for the rest of my life.... :steam

[curlysamantha]

I have curly hair too and when I didn't know how to take care of it it was SUPER frizzy and people would say I have "lion hair". Now people usually just compliment it which is nice. Everyone in a while I get someone who comes up behind me and literally will put their hands in it and SQUEEZE it. Weird. Sometimes people say "you should straighten it", but I don't take that as an insult I just smile and say "maybe sometime but I prefer to keep it curly :)". The only thing I find slightly rude is when people say "you look so much better with straight hair!", they usually say it innocently but it can be annoying when you get that comment multiple times all day. Honestly I get more comments on body hair. I'm a little hairier than most American girls and if I don't shave my arms or legs I will get very rude comments about "gorilla arms" or "man arms" or something like that.

[MsPharaohMoan]

curlysamantha: sometimes people bring up my arm hair with a sense of wonder - the hairs aren't dark but are very long! I pretend like it's a fashion accessory, smiling while stroking it and showing it off. Usually quiets people down and causes them to change the topic lol actually I just can't be bothered to shave.

Sometimes people try touching my hair when I have it down. I let a certain level of grabbiness slide because sometimes I like the attention :couch: but if anyone gets damaging, they get a stern lesson about gentle handling!

[languagenut]

I don't recall any instances of strangers grabbing my hair. My brother (a couple years younger than me) likes to tease me and try to tie my braids together, which I find rather annoying but tolerate it because, well, trying to stop him would only be further incentive.

And I haven't suffered any real bullying; the closest it's gotten to that was a guy who had a habit of treating everyone to his opinions as if they were some kind of favor. He thought I would look more mature if I cut my hair, and that I should dress more stylishly and wear contacts instead of glasses. Which was rather irritating, as what I do about my appearance is really nobody's business but my own, and I think that such personal advice would only be appropriate for his wife, which I certainly don't plan to be (hope I haven't just jinxed myself)!

Another annoying incident was when I was talking with some teenage girls, and somehow the conversation turned to my hair. They suggested that sometime they could bring hair things and jewelry and they could dress me up to see how I look. Now, if a friend wanted to style my hair, that might be fine. But the whole tone and attitude of this conversation irritated me, and I just told them NO, I'm not your fashion doll!