how do you take feed back or is it better to say nothing

[vega]

Hey guys need your advice I have a friend with hair its mid back but from Apl to mid back her hair is see through I know she is not there to decorarate other peoples world but I would want a friend to say something to me if I had bad hair Wat do you guys think, my character is best to say nothing, however I would love a friend to say something

[mz_butterfly]

I don't think you should say a word unless she asks you directly. What you consider looking "bad" may be beautiful to her.

If a "friend" came to me and basically said my hair looked like crap, I'd be hurt and upset.

[slynr]

Agree. I would only comment if she directly asked for my opinion on the matter. Safest way to go and not hurt her feelings.

[lapis_lazuli]

I don't think you need to say anything. I see your good intentions but I think it's up to her to decide what she likes for herself. Maybe she loves her hair as it is! Everyone has different standards. :)

[vega]

Hey Lapis my intentions are with good heart I think her hair ended thi way to not trimming over 6 years now from AOL to mid back its virtually see through as a friend I will hold back at the same token if that was me I would prefer feedback

[Nadine <3]

I have pretty see through hair. I know it's thin, I don't need someone to point it out. I would be pretty upset if someone did. Why don't you pick something about her hair that you like and compliment it instead.

[spidermom]

I would say nothing unless asked. I've had the bad experience of offering a friend my unasked-for opinion about her hair, which was in very bad condition on the ends, like she chewed on it or something. Turned out that her preference was to have her hair as long as possible, and she did not care if the ends were bad. She did not like trimmed ends. She especially did not like me telling her what she ought to do with her own hair.

[MINAKO]

i wouldnt say anything to her, but then again not everybody is as emotional about their hair as we are here in the forum. i comment on my moms hair all the time because she dyes it blonde and it looks a bit damaged. she takes critique rather well and uses the products i suggest, at least for a while. its not perfect now but healthier than it was before, so thats a win i think.

[wilderwein]

I do agree with nadine even if some member of my family told something to me I would feel kinda hurt. And also I did the mistake to point to my sister that her hair starts getting damaged and she shouldnt dye her hair, and she got mad but I could see in her eyes that she got hurted. So if that happens between me and my sisters wich have like great communication and relationship (not just sisters but soul sisters too) then imagine how she may feel hearing that from a friend...

[yahirwaO.o]

Well I do listen to all expresions of my hair, asked or not asked, nice or rude....just the good ones are taken because that the way I like my hair and thats it.

On other people I do say generally nice things I get to look at, and If they ask my opinion just to point those bits in a respectful way.

My mom for instance has super damaged hair all over and she keeps using hot tools destroying her beautiful curls, coloring with box brands and putting extensions that she really does not need. I have said to her kindly she needs to put down a bit her habits for the sake of having healthier hair, but she doesnt mind and Im here to support her decisions so just offer her scalp massages and home made deep treatments which she accepts.

[arr]

I wouldn't say anything. I'm sure that she is aware of what kind of hair is on her head. Either she likes it the way it is or she doesn't like it but isn't ready to address it at this time. It's like weight, would you tell a friend who didn't ask for your opinion, "you know, you've put on weight, it's not looking good." That would be rude and we are aware of our weight, either we like ourselves as we are or we aren't ready to deal with it. When we are ready to deal with something, we will ask for help and opinions.

[fairyblood]

I would have to agree with what most people here have said and recommend not mentioning it. Most likely her hair would stay in the exact same condition and she would be offended by the advice.

[Stormynights]

I had a big shed and probably should cut off about 6 inches, but it took a long time to grow that 6 inches. I am keeping it. It would hurt my feelings if someone told me to cut it off even though I know how it looks.

[Duchess Fuzzy Buns]

Definitely don't say anything unless she asks. It's one thing to give an honest opinion when asked about something, and another to give an unsolicited opinion. If I were your friend, I'd probably be ticked off if you said my hair looked bad. Who asked you? Ya know.

[vega]

It's nice too see your opions , I was just torn on what to do it's literally about 50strands of hair mid back , then fine but decent amount of hair at apl , I would never want to upset a friend or anyone, its just I dont want people laughing as I see them do behind her back

[vega]

I had a big shed and probably should cut off about 6 inches, but it took a long time to grow that 6 inches. I am keeping it. It would hurt my feelings if someone told me to cut it off even though I know how it looks.

Thanks for sharing stormy nights , I'm sorry tonhear of the shed hope it gets better

[Nadine <3]

It's nice too see your opions , I was just torn on what to do it's literally about 50strands of hair mid back , then fine but decent amount of hair at apl , I would never want to upset a friend or anyone, its just I dont want people laughing as I see them do behind her back

I would probably tell the people laughing at my friend to buzz off and grow up.

[butterflybutton]

It's nice too see your opions , I was just torn on what to do it's literally about 50strands of hair mid back , then fine but decent amount of hair at apl , I would never want to upset a friend or anyone, its just I dont want people laughing as I see them do behind her back

Absolutely do NOT say anything to your friend unless she asks you to. If people really are laughing behind her back, as her friend you should be sticking up for her and support her, as your friend may love her hair as it is, or be self conscious about it. Either way you should only say positive things to her, as by the sounds of it others aren't being nice about her hair and she doesn't need that from someone whom cares about her as well.

On more thing (sorry for the rant, it's something that has been bothering me a great deal lately): if people are indeed laughing behind her back, that is their issue. Those nasty people need to learn how to behave like human beings, and get some manners. It is none of their business what others decided to do with their appearance!


I would probably tell the people laughing at my friend to buzz off and grow up.
i love you Nadine!

[Nique1202]

I live by a very simple rule: if it can be fixed in five minutes in a public bathroom with no extra tools (lipstick or eyeliner fading unevenly, broccoli in the teeth, a drop of coffee on the shirt, etc) then tell the person. If it can't be fixed in five minutes, the person probably knows or actively chose to look that way.

Your friend almost certainly knows what it looks like and chooses to wear it that way, just like you probably know what the bottom of your hair looks like. Just because you would choose to cut off the very thin hair doesn't mean she wants to do the same.

[wilderwein]

I live by a very simple rule: if it can be fixed in five minutes in a public bathroom with no extra tools (lipstick or eyeliner fading unevenly, broccoli in the teeth, a drop of coffee on the shirt, etc) then tell the person. If it can't be fixed in five minutes, the person probably knows or actively chose to look that way.

Your friend almost certainly knows what it looks like and chooses to wear it that way, just like you probably know what the bottom of your hair looks like. Just because you would choose to cut off the very thin hair doesn't mean she wants to do the same.

Thats a great approach!

[ladyfey]

I'm with everyone else, never give unsolicited advice to someone else. Especially regarding something as trivial as their appearance. It's just rude.

[lapushka]

Another one here who says don't say a word unless she asks, and if she asks be kind about it!

[ickle_cat]

Not to play devil's advocate, but I usually say stuff so I would mention it. You don't need to be mean how you do it "Your hair looks thin, people are talking, sort it out" but there's a way you can broach it "hey, your hair's looking a bit thin on the end, I tried a really great conditioning treatment that made my hair look better, do you wanna come over for a girly evening and try it?" but that's just my personality so it might be more jarring from people that don't normally say stuff. Just go with what feels right based on your friendship and if you normally talk about things like that :)

[Waverly]

Say nothing unless asked! I know what you mean about being the kind of person who likes to know stuff because I am too but there is a world of difference between pointing out something that is socially detrimental, like 'I'm sorry to tell you but your breath has an unusual odour' or 'you've worn see through pants to the office today' and highlighting something you don't like about a person's physical appearance. She might know her hair is fine but want it long anyway or she might have never thought it was an issue and have her confidence knocked right out of her if you say something. Either way, not a great bonding experience for friends. Apart from occasionally saying 'ohh it's soooo long' none of my friends comment on my hair and why would they? We don't befriend people based on our standards of beauty. Stay quiet, it's honestly best.

[Stormynights]

I pissed a woman off once that came out of the restroom with her skirt tucked in the back of her pantyhose. She wasn't a close friend but I had known her for years. I was trying to hold her back and whisper to her. She started trying to fight me off like I was attacking her. I reached behind her and gave her skirt a yank. I thought she would be grateful, but I was wrong. I would want someone to do that for me, so I am not sorry I did it. I don't think she knew her rear was showing, but she still didn't appreciate my intervention.

[kitschy]

This subject is interesting to me. I think self confidence is more beautiful than thick ends. I don't see how telling your friend her hair doesn't live up to your esthetics would be helpful to her confidence. In fact I just took a poster to task on another thread who told another poster, insecure about her looks, that she needed to learn how to do her eyebrows. I was completely surprised that no one else said anything. How rude, to tell someone they don't meet you own beauty standards.

Think this through, is your concern about your friend's hair genuine concern, or are you more sensitive that it might be a reflection on you. Beauty can be all things. Your standards are truly only yours.

[hippie girl]

Not everyone can grow long, thick hair. Mine is very tapered and although I treat it as well as I can, it is very delicate and prone to breakage. It is just the way it is. I've still grown it.

I am very aware that the ends are not thick and lush, and often wonder what people think of it, but don't give anyone the opportunity to see it down to comment. Even if someone did comment, I'd probably not cut anyway because it is just the best I can do and I'd be far unhappier with shorter hair that I couldn't put up. That is worse than taper. Why do that to myself knowing that for me, it's the worst of the two options?


As for your friend, I am sure she is fully aware. It is very possible she reads boards and articles just like this one, telling her to be patient and stay away from the scissors, that time is what it will take to achieve length.
Perhaps she is resisting the urge to trim till she gets to a certain goal, as many of the members here are doing, and many of the members here suggest to others to do. Moreover, there could be a million reasons her hair is thin that even haircuts can't fix, like she takes certain medications or has inherited whatever issue that causes thinning hair.

Who knows, maybe she is patiently growing out a dreaded haircut from hell that gave her layers she didn't ask for? Happens all the time, right? Maybe she is being as patient as she possibly can for it to grow out.

I'd try and quiet the people who laugh at her, they clearly need a lesson in compassion and professionalism, and go no further. If your friend regularly talks about hair or brings it up out of the blue at some point, perhaps suggest some updos that would protect the ends or introduce her to microtrimming. But essentially, it's her business and could easily be practicing benign neglect to get over an awkward stage, and everyone knows how hard that can be. No reason to make it worse.

[MsVenus]

It is quite possible that she LOVES fairytail ends and hates blunt cuts. You could share with her your particular preferences for hair but I think there are a lot of better things you could do with your time and energy like worry about your own hair. I am sure this woman has mirrors. There is no way that comment could be taken nicely imo. You could ask her about her decision not to cut off her ends but don't be surprised if she takes offense.

[MsVenus]

I am actually quite offended by this thread. I also have naturally fine, thin hair with delicate ends. My mother has had fine, thin hair all her life. She always cut it shorter and shorter and it never got any thicker. Her hair never got any less see through no matter how short she cut it because it is just naturally thin. It is not due to any chemicals because my mother is the type of woman who does not do ANYTHING artificial to herself at all... She does not even wear lip gloss. It is simply the way God made her.

I always encouraged my mother to grow her hair long despite how thin it is because I know how much she loves long hair. The only way her hair would ever not be see through is if she cut it up to neckline length where there were NO FREE ENDS AT ALL.

Some people just have thin hair. Some people's hair grows in Vs or Us. Everyone's hair is not thick. I am HIGHLY offended that you seem to feel that people with thin or thinning hair do not have a right to wear their hair long! Everyone is not so lucky to be born with thick hair. Everyone does not have to wear their hair the way YOU like hair to look either. This is highly offensive and as if you do not feel thin haired people have a right to grow out their hair ....OOOH this burns me up!

This from another fine thin hair lady you don't know. Do you really want to anger your friend like you angered me?

[Fairlight63]

I also think that you should not say anything to her about her thin-fine hair! Especially if you value your friendship! I have thin-fine hair & I know that it is thin & fine. I don't need anyone telling me that I should cut it - UNLESS I ask for advice - even then you have to be VERY careful how you offer the advice. You could make her feel really bad. As the old saying goes "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"

[endlessly]

Unless she asks for your honest opinion, I wouldn't say anything. She honestly might think her hair looks amazing and one wrong word from someone else could have the potential to make her feel horrible about herself. I've been in similar situations, but normally my friend then asked me what I thought of her hair or told me how much she hated her hair and if I knew how to make it better - that's the only way I'd offer advice. And even if she does ask, try to tell her what you think in a way that won't hurt her feelings.

I've had a friend since middle school that has honestly never been able to grow her hair past her shoulders without it looking unhealthy and since she's always seen me with very long hair, she has come to me for advice many times. However, since we were best friends, I could be very honest with her about what I thought - but still, only if she actually asked me for my 100% honest opinion.

[FuzzyBlackWaves]

As someone with thin ends, I would be incredibly offended if anybody - friend or not - commented on them. I take good care of my hair. Even when it was virgin (wasn't dyed) the ends were thin. That's just the way some people's hair is - it is NOT always a sign of damage or poor care and sometimes people have to make the choice between having long hair or having a full hemline. For many of us it is not as simple as 'treat your hair well and you can have both'.

[meteor]

Another one here who says don't say a word unless she asks, and if she asks be kind about it!

^ I really agree.

Not to censor your well-intended free speech here, vega, but I don't see the point in giving her that sort of feedback: she knows her own hair, and you risk knocking her confidence... which is really one of the most beautiful things on a woman anyway. :flower:
I think the genetic component to fine hair is undeniable, so it's not like your friend can change how her hair grows overnight, even if she wanted to. And anyway, what's wrong with fairytale ends? :) They are beautiful, ethereal, fantasy-like and princessy! :D

[Ambrielle]

it depends on how close and how well you know each other and how you go about wording it? Do you know how she handled criticism in the past ? i personally wouldn't voice my opinion on someone else's appearance unless i was asked about it because it is what it is in the end of the day an "opinion" even when facts (damage etc) apply perception is always relative and people will always get hurt even at times when we give someone a compliment, they hurt themselves by rejecting it because they don't feel worthy of it. For all you know your friend may like her hair that way or may not be bothered and by bringing it up you may make her self conscious. The other thing to do is ask yourself what would you genuinely feel like if out of nowhere your well intended friend was the one to tell you she didn't think your hair looked good (for whatever reason) or the way you dressed didn't suit you (as another example on appearance)? I am the type who doesn't take criticism to heart, positive and negative, while i appreciate the positive and negative when constructive and "well intended" others' opinions on my appearance don't interfere with how i feel about myself in the end because i don't much of an attachment to opinions (including my own), they are just that. All that said i go by some things are best left unsaid.

[MsVenus]

You do know that many people have committed suicide after receiving disturbing input. Would you like to know that your words caused this woman to sink into deep depression to the point of killing herself? Is this something that would bring you pleasure? A woman's hair is very important to the self confidence and the self image and how we wear our hair is a very personal thing. I do not think you should ever tell a woman how she should or aught to wear her hair. Nor do I think you should go around insulting people for genetic traits like thin, fragile hair. What do you think could possibly come of it? You seem to think that her cutting her hair off would make all right but that is inaccurate. Thin hair still looks thin when it is cut higher. It just looks shorter. You would be amazed how little difference a straight hem line makes on hair that is terribly thin. Overall a good hemline does not make it look any better at all. You are still painfully aware of how thin it is.

Be thankful you have a thick head of curly hair. Don't feel that you must point out to the rest of us that we don't have what you have. When you make a habit of behaving in that obnoxious way, the universe has a tendency to get back at you by taking away what you covet the most.

[faeriehaerie]

Not everyone can grow long, thick hair. Mine is very tapered and although I treat it as well as I can, it is very delicate and prone to breakage. It is just the way it is. I've still grown it.

I am very aware that the ends are not thick and lush, and often wonder what people think of it, but don't give anyone the opportunity to see it down to comment. Even if someone did comment, I'd probably not cut anyway because it is just the best I can do and I'd be far unhappier with shorter hair that I couldn't put up. That is worse than taper. Why do that to myself knowing that for me, it's the worst of the two options?


As for your friend, I am sure she is fully aware. It is very possible she reads boards and articles just like this one, telling her to be patient and stay away from the scissors, that time is what it will take to achieve length.
Perhaps she is resisting the urge to trim till she gets to a certain goal, as many of the members here are doing, and many of the members here suggest to others to do. Moreover, there could be a million reasons her hair is thin that even haircuts can't fix, like she takes certain medications or has inherited whatever issue that causes thinning hair.

Who knows, maybe she is patiently growing out a dreaded haircut from hell that gave her layers she didn't ask for? Happens all the time, right? Maybe she is being as patient as she possibly can for it to grow out.

I'd try and quiet the people who laugh at her, they clearly need a lesson in compassion and professionalism, and go no further. If your friend regularly talks about hair or brings it up out of the blue at some point, perhaps suggest some updos that would protect the ends or introduce her to microtrimming. But essentially, it's her business and could easily be practicing benign neglect to get over an awkward stage, and everyone knows how hard that can be. No reason to make it worse.

This!
I have very see through hair from SL down. Since I started caring better for it, it got loads better. But it will take at least a couple of years more untill the damage of a devastating cut grews out fully.
Wearing it up protects both for the hair and against "cut-the-taper-off" comments. On the other hand: useful advice is greatly appreciated.

[faeriehaerie]

sorry, double "sent"

[rags]

I have extremely thin, see through hair that caring for isn't going to help. I have genetically very baby fine, thin hair - and I'm ill and take medications which have hair loss as a side effect. The thing is - I KNOW my hair is see-through, and I guarantee your friend does too. I choose to wear mine long because it doesn't look any different unless I cut it very, very short (like 1-3" long). Since I don't look good with shorter hair, and I don't feel like "me" with shorter hair - I keep it long. In my case I don't get comments because it's almost always up, but I would be very hurt (and HAVE been) by thoughtless comments from friends and family. Please don't say anything to your friend.

[MicheleZ]

If your friend thought her hair looked horrible to HER, she wouldn't wear it that way. My opinion is, your opinion isn't needed.

[vega]

Thanks guys I will turn a blind eye an offer support if she asks thank you I appreciated everyone's input ty

[-Fern]

I agree with the spirit of the posts saying don't say a word... but growing up, I had no one to teach me how to care for long hair, so I always assumed APL was my terminal length... by the time it got that long, the last 6+ inches were so damaged and full of splits that I'd have to chop it back to shoulder or collarbone length. Even in the short time I've been on LHC, I have learned SO much that I NEVER KNEW.

So what I would do is not even mention your friend's hair. I would tell her you found this really amazing resource called LHC that has cool people with every imaginable hair type who share their personal experiences with what works best for their hair type, and that you're really excited to try something you heard on it (such as the Caffeine rinse, or SMT, or a million other things). That way she knows the resource is out there and can check it out herself if she wants to--and if not, don't bring it up again.