Boasting?

[chen bao jun]

My mom telephoned and told me that some of my family (I know its my cousins) are making nasty remarks about me because they say I am boasting about my hair on Facebook. She was upset because she says it hurts her feelings to hear them do this and thinks I should be very careful about what I post, since I am so much 'luckier' than they are and its easy to make them feel bad because of it--and then they get nasty. Of course she gave no particulars about anything and I don't know who said what and there is no way to defend myself about this at all.

I wonder if I am boasting and not realizing it? I don't post photos of myself in general very much, more of my kids and husband and I certainly don't post hair shots (save that for this forum, where its actually appropriate). I do sometimes post tips there if I find something online about dealing with thick, curly hair as I have a few friends with this hairtype who I laugh together about this with. I did post a couple of hair shots though, about two weeks ago. a before and after sort of thing, for my sister-in-law. she created this shea butter hair creme which has been really helpful to me in moisturizing my hair, which I haven't mentioned on here because I think that would break the rules about advertising products on this forum and I posted before and after shots along with a link to her website where she has started selling the creme. Could that be what my mother is talking about?

I feel kind of silly posting this, as I know that I'm having my buttons pushed in a familiar kind of way, this has happened all my life, my cousins on my mom's side get jealous of me or my sister and get nasty, my mom gets upset because her siblings (their parents) go after her and then she tells me and my sister to stop doing whatever it is they are currently complaining about, whether we are actually doing it or not. However, its been a week since my mother brought this up and I keep thinking about it and wondering if I have actually done something this time. I guess I wonder if being on LHC has made me be inappropriate in real life, without knowing it, and if for once my stinky cousins have something of a point. (they are not actually my friends on facebook by the way. But my posts show up on my mother's feed).

Of course, it may not even be my cousins, my mother didn't actually SAY that , she refused to be specific at all..

[pastina]

for what it's worth, you certainly don't seem like the boastful type to me. :shrug:

[chen bao jun]

thanks, pastina

[DweamGoiL]

I so agree with Pastina, Chen. Whenever I've read your posts, they have always been very supportive, tactful, and tasteful. I can't possibly know what is going on with your cousins, but it sounds to me like a plain case of haters gonna hate ;) If they want to let their insecurities run their lives, there is nothing you can do so don't sweat it.

[sleepingduty]

I agree with Pastina. I think you work hard at keeping your hair in great condition and are always looking to help others. I think the jealousy monster is coming into play here. You have a wonderful spirit and I don't see you as being boastful at all.

[brickworld13]

Chen, I find you to be very down to earth. Not even slightly boastful. If you can ignore the haters, you should because they are just making up stories to bring you down. Do your thing and be happy.

[ARG]

Chen, I have family members that start drama just out of sheer boredom, and it would seem this unnamed party may be doing just that. You're one of the kindest, most encouraging people on this forum, so I highly doubt that you're boasting.

You've worked very hard for your hair's health and length, you should be proud of it. If they can't handle it, that is their own problem. Maybe they should come to you for advice, instead of trying to take your joy.

[cathair]

There's a difference between being enthusiastic about something you are good at and boasting. Doesn't mean it won't make other people feel bad. But if it makes others feel insecure, that is their problem, not yours. You're not luckier that you have better hair, you've put tons of work and patience into it. They could do that too. I think it's okay to be proud of what you have done.

I guess you just need to decide if posting things on Facebook is worth the drama. It sounds like there is more to this family issue than you just being proud of your hair.

ETA: I do remember you posting about family members being competitive about designer clothing etc, maybe something to keep in mind.

[LauraLongLocks]

Your character in every post I have read has never seemed at all boastful to me. You are always very tactful and respectful of others.

[Sarahlabyrinth]

Chen, you don't seem the slightest bit boastful to me, rather, on the contrary I would say you are always polite and helpful and encouraging, on this site anyway. And you study methods and techniques to keep your hair looking healthy and beautiful. So perhaps it is sour grapes on their part?

[Amapola]

This is how I see it, and perhaps no one else will, but it's my own viewpoint. :)

Chen, you are a grown woman. That is YOUR FaceBook page. It's there for you to say what you want. I am sure your mother is a wonderful person (mine is too!) but I finally had to sit down with my mother and explain to her that 1. She is entitled to her opinion... but that means that I am entitled to mine too. 2. We don't see things the same way... that's OK, it's a strength actually to see things differently from other people. 3. No matter what you do, someone else will not like it. How sad for them. Perhaps they will learn something from it.

I'm not really very concerned when my mother tells me that she does not like X, Y or Z. I feel that's her problem. She sees life very differently than I do, that's just fine, but it's not fine to try and force someone else to be exactly like you - even if they ARE your daughter. In other words: it's not a matter of her being "right" or "wrong". She is seeing it differently. That's OK. It's OK to be different. She will hopefully accept that you are a grown woman capable of making your own decisions. Good luck with this... it took an awfully long time before my mother could accept that I was different than her expectations and had a different life than she expected - but it's still a good life and a life worth living. (We still struggle with this, believe me... for some reason, some parents really find it difficult to let go and allow their children to grow up.)

As far as your cousins go - perhaps this will be a terrific learning experience for *them* to grow up. :) No matter what you think, other people are going to tiresomely go on and live their life, their way, and there is really nothing you can or should do about it. Perhaps it's time they had this learning experience. My feeling about you is that you are very accepting and tolerant of others, and allow them to be different than you. Your cousins could do with learning this same grace. You may be instrumental in teaching them! :)

[Aleahcim]

From the sounds of your post you have done absolutely nothing wrong. The opposite actually as you are putting so much care and consideration into the matter.

I don't think you need to worry much. You shouldn't have to be shamed or accused of anything for doing nothing but taking good care of your hair!

From what you are telling us, seems like someone is insecure and instead of putting the same amount of effort as you, decided to take the chance to lash out.

Enjoy your hair, enjoy your life. It's not job to change your appearance to cater to others. Continue being the tactful and considerate person you seem to be. :)

[mz_butterfly]

My 2 cents, 4 cents or heck, it might be a dimes worth ;)

1) you are not a boaster, show-boater, gloater, showoff or haughty in any way at all. Never have I seen you act like you were superior regarding your hair or any other thing that you have discussed on this forum.

I don't believe the problem is you, it's some gossiping trouble maker who has some kind of a vendetta and/or just likes to start drama.

2) If it were I, I would make a small but pointed post on FB stating something like "if I have caused anyone to feel bad over any post I have made, please message me" and I would make another point to add in that anyone who is just trying to start drama between you and your family, please remove themselves from your friends list. (yes, it's confrontational and a little bit aggressive but I loathe people who start crap behind your back and don't have the balls to talk to you about the so called problem that you are supposedly causing)

I would go as far as telling your mom that whatever other people think about you isn't your business and if someone has gossip to spread about you and it gets back to her, you don't want to know about it because it hurts you.

You mother would be better off if she stopped allowing people to relay gossip to her and then tell you about it. It isn't beneficial and is doing harm.

Your FB is for you, if you want to show a before and after picture and be helpful to others by alerting them of a great product and assisting someone by generating possible business, that is your right.

Just a suggestion: If you don't want to remove your cousins from your FB, you can change the settings so they can't see your posts unless you post a certain way. You go to "who can see what I post" change everything to Friends only. Do the same with who can post messages on your timeline. Then, when you post a pic or an update that you do not want them to see, mark it for Friends only. (you can change each update to be public, friends only, friends including restricted or custom, being you can choose the people who are restricted from seeing that particular post)

You can weed out drama in 2 ways. 1) you aren't actually deleting your cousins from your FB account so they won't be crying around that you removed them, thus stirring up more drama. 2) you are restricting what they see and allowing them to see only what you want them to, keeping them out of any posts that you think might cause them to start their drama. Or, you could just block their drama llama butts and be done with them! :cheese:

You are a very kind person and I have only seen you post things that are helpful. I have never seen you boast, not even when you have every right to (such as when you make your gorgeous self made hair toys) you are always very modest.

Don't let the naysayers and drama llamas get to you, it's childish and nonsense and you don't need that negativity. You are a sweetheart and all of that craziness is unnecessary and uncalled for.

ETA:

I just realized you said the cousins are not on your FB friends list. You can change your privacy settings so that only your friends can see your posts and not "friends of friends" (meaning your cousins will not see your updates/posts in your mothers feed).

[Majorane]

Chen, you know that fine line between enthusiasm and boasting? That one, when you're enthusiastic about something it might seem like you are going on and on and on about how great your hair is while you're actually saying how much you love the changes for the better your hair has made? That line?

Yeah you're not even close to that line. So don't worry (easier said than done eh) and maybe you should have a talk with the dear mums about how she cannot expect you to change your thing when someone complains to her that what you are doing upsets them. ....you didn't follow that? Yeah, neither did I. That is because it's so far fetched. If people don't have the courgae to come up to you and say "you are boasting!" then their feedback isn't all that valuable. So. Besides, you are not boasting. You are not pushy or an alpha opinion person at all, so I cannot imagine your hair posts are boasting.

Besides, even if you were. So? it is YOUR facebook. People don't HAVE to look. Be yourself and write what you wanto n facebook, even if you want to boast sometimes. People have an option to click away, too, you know.

[CousinItt]

At the risk of sounding like a parrot, I've never seen you boast on here either. If your Facebook posts are similar to yours here, then the complaints are based on nothing you've done, and solely on people's own insecurities.

[YvetteVarie]

I just realized you said the cousins are not on your FB friends list. You can change your privacy settings so that only your friends can see your posts and not "friends of friends" (meaning your cousins will not see your updates/posts in your mothers feed).

I agree with Mz_Butterfly, maybe changing your privacy settings will help eliminate what they can see about you on their timelines.

Otherwise, to repeat what everyone said above, I never find you boastful about your hair (even here where its permissible). You always help people out whenever they need help

[furnival]

Another one chiming in to say you've never come across as a boaster to me. I don't think it's you that is the problem here. ;)

I'd just change my privacy settings, as others have suggested.

[AmethystLily]

I don't know what they see, but you don't come off as boastful if your posts here are anything to go by. That said, if it's truly bothering you, you could ask your mom to clarify what she meant by "boasting." That, and change your privacy settings so that only your friends can see what you post there.

[chen bao jun]

You guys are the best. I truly appreciate your support, encouragement and suggestions. I will go on from this, you have made things better. Hugs.

[ooglipoo]

Post a link to this thread! :D

We'll all tell them! Chen's not boasting, she really *does* have fabulous hair!

:flower:

[Ambrielle]

My mom telephoned and told me that some of my family (I know its my cousins) are making nasty remarks about me because they say I am boasting about my hair on Facebook. She was upset because she says it hurts her feelings to hear them do this and thinks I should be very careful about what I post, since I am so much 'luckier' than they are and its easy to make them feel bad because of it--and then they get nasty. Of course she gave no particulars about anything and I don't know who said what and there is no way to defend myself about this at all.

I wonder if I am boasting and not realizing it? I don't post photos of myself in general very much, more of my kids and husband and I certainly don't post hair shots (save that for this forum, where its actually appropriate). I do sometimes post tips there if I find something online about dealing with thick, curly hair as I have a few friends with this hairtype who I laugh together about this with. I did post a couple of hair shots though, about two weeks ago. a before and after sort of thing, for my sister-in-law. she created this shea butter hair creme which has been really helpful to me in moisturizing my hair, which I haven't mentioned on here because I think that would break the rules about advertising products on this forum and I posted before and after shots along with a link to her website where she has started selling the creme. Could that be what my mother is talking about?

I feel kind of silly posting this, as I know that I'm having my buttons pushed in a familiar kind of way, this has happened all my life, my cousins on my mom's side get jealous of me or my sister and get nasty, my mom gets upset because her siblings (their parents) go after her and then she tells me and my sister to stop doing whatever it is they are currently complaining about, whether we are actually doing it or not. However, its been a week since my mother brought this up and I keep thinking about it and wondering if I have actually done something this time. I guess I wonder if being on LHC has made me be inappropriate in real life, without knowing it, and if for once my stinky cousins have something of a point. (they are not actually my friends on facebook by the way. But my posts show up on my mother's feed).

Of course, it may not even be my cousins, my mother didn't actually SAY that , she refused to be specific at all..

Hey Chen, just wanted to add my two cents even though i am relatively new here and haven't come across many of your posts. As much as it may be hard for your family to love themselves as they are you are not responsible for how they feel about their hair or anything else by comparison. I don't understand the reasoning behind being "luckier than they are" = you having to be restricted with what you post and not being allowed to express how you feel about your hair. It's your facebook, you are entitled to express whatever you wish, if people don't want to see your updates they can always unfollow them. It's insane but i understand people can be triggered so easily when they are not comfortable with who they are, however this is entirely their issue to resolve not yours, dear. Many of us post photos of our hair in this forum regularly and i haven't seen a single person being accused of boasting, on the contrary people appreciate seeing each others hair and share the joy mutually, it's very motivating also. Please don't feel bad and do not give any power into this.

[lapushka]

When I read your OP, I immediately thought WTH?! You post something tasteful to help someone out with their creme, and they get jealous, this in turn gets back to your mom (how dare they do *that* in the first place) and then she calls you to order? Please! I would pay it no mind. Let them wallow in their jealousy.

[luvlonghair75]

Hey Chen, just wanted to add my two cents even though i am relatively new here and haven't come across many of your posts. As much as it may be hard for your family to love themselves as they are you are not responsible for how they feel about their hair or anything else by comparison. I don't understand the reasoning behind being "luckier than they are" = you having to be restricted with what you post and not being allowed to express how you feel about your hair. It's your facebook, you are entitled to express whatever you wish, if people don't want to see your updates they can always unfollow them. It's insane but i understand people can be triggered so easily when they are not comfortable with who they are, however this is entirely their issue to resolve not yours, dear. Many of us post photos of our hair in this forum regularly and i haven't seen a single person being accused of boasting, on the contrary people appreciate seeing each others hair and share the joy mutually, it's very motivating also. Please don't feel bad and do not give any power into this.

Exactly this! The fact that it's all on facebook, if people have a problem with what you post then why don't they message you directly for themselves instead of squealing to your mom? Ridiculous! I say keep it up! If they have a problem with your gorgeous hair, then that's just what it is. Their problem.

[Carolyn]

As Mz Butterfly said, go Friends Only and that should save your from further drama. I don't think you are a boaster here at LHC at all. I mainly know you from the Ficcare modification thread but you've been more than helpful and kind in that thread. No bragging to be seen there.

[dulce]

I agree it is not you Chen but them,you have always been polite and well spoken here,never any hint of a boast..I agree with people who think it is jealousy.I have albums of different forks etc on facebook but it is all private.Only my facebook profile ever shows any hair pics.I think someone was just trying to start trouble and your mom seems to fall for it instead of just saying she doesn't want to get involved and for her to tell them to talk to you if they have a problem.That would probably stop all this nonsense very fast!.As long as your mom listens to them,they will keep doing it.Just my opinion,I could be reading it all wrong.BUT anyway, you are not boastful!

[Stormynights]

Chen I think you are adorable.

[yogagirl]

Chen, sending hugs your way! I too have a certain family member that acts spiteful toward me and I have recently figured out it is out of jealousy. And that is exactly what your situation smells like to me. It definitely sounds like it's them, not you. Either way, it hurts and I am sorry you are going through this.

[meteor]

Chen, you are wonderful! :flowers: Certainly not boastful, but actually very modest and extremely nice and polite!
About what happened there: Hugs to you! :grouphug:
If not everybody likes what you post on social media, well, too bad, they don't need to follow it. :shrug:
One certainly can't please everyone on the planet, not even if they are relatives, that's for sure! But I bet that many people found your product review and your before & after pictures very helpful. ;)
Think of the people who do find it helpful, and ignore the "haters"! :flower:

[Crumpet]

I'm going with the majority here: you aren't boastful.

One of the things I'm working on is letting go of worrying about what other people think about me. I find it hard to do when someone, such as my mother, starts in on me about what other family members etc think about me. Remarkably, in the moments when I am successful about fretting about what other people think, their action become fairly easy for me to interpret.

Is there a history of negative/competitive/passive-aggressive stuff from your cousins/family? Do they try to use your mother to pass this on to you? Maybe see what you can do to cut this stuff off before it gets to you.

In the meantime: hugs!

[CremeTron]

Post a link to this thread! :D

We'll all tell them! Chen's not boasting, she really *does* have fabulous hair!

:flower:

Agreed! I find it hard to believe you were boasting! Stating facts maybe? Nothing wrong with that, they have the issues.

[browneyedsusan]

Oh that is rich!
FWIW, You come across just fine, here. :) You have nice manners and are kind.

I have a few stinky cousins--other relatives-- too! I think everyone does! I'm not friends with all of them on facebook, either lol!
Some people never seem to grow any manners and remain forever 12 or 14 years old. It seems strange, but there it is. I don't know why it happens, but it does sometimes. Social autism? (No jab at the autistic intended.) They just never seem to get a clue about social niceties. Gossip, sniping, and criticism seem to be their norm. (I never post about my fitness class on facebook. That would open a whole can of worms... A big can of sniping at my body, strength, coordination and who knows what! :justy: )

My heart goes out to you and your Mom. If she can distance herself from the drama, she'd feel better? Ain't no one got time for that!

[CurlyCap]

1. Haters gonna hate.
2. Long hair. Don't care.

Certain communities are always gonna rag if you wear your hair out or show any pride in it. Whatever.

I get crap every time I wear my hair down or have group photos with it down.

It's just one of those things. Live your life, let them spin themselves into a twizzle, and move on.

[spirals]

CurlyCap, I like your answer the very best!

[embee]

Dear Chen, if you were going to *boast* about hair, LHC would be the place - not Facebook, for goodness sake!

The more I read about Facebook, the less I like it. A place to breed drama and trouble.

You've been polite and helpful here, and I do not see sharing happy experience with a product as boasting.

[Gertrude]

In my experience whatever you are passionate or happy about and you talk about online or just in real life is going to make some people rain right on your parade. Trying to steal your thunder. Which is about them. And it's horrid if you're a mum, no matter how old your child is, and you hear venom about her or him. But people are lions behind the keyboard often and little mice away from it. It's easier said than done but try to ignore it and try to tell your mum you're not in any danger and until your cousins decided to get happy they won't. Not your job to be their little sunbeam.

I lived next door to a guy who was upset when my car was newer than this. It got totaled while parked , so I got an old banger ( Clunker????) instead. He then was sore his car was depreciating faster in value as mine was so old it had nothing to lose. It was being so cheerful as kept him going. If my grass was green I got lucky with the rain and if brown I saved on watering........

And you are wonderful on here, giving helpful and considerate replies. Generous and gentle.

[chen bao jun]

Thanks again, everyone, for building up, not tearing down.

My mom is supportive of me, to be clear, she just has this history with her family where her siblings tear her down and she thinks if she runs and hides it will stop. And now when my cousins, their kids, go after me, she thinks that is the solution, though it never worked before. Her feelings are hurt and she's scared when they attac k her kids and she can't face them. Facebook is not really the problem. My hair is not really the problem. It's just the current excuse and Facebook is the current venue. Thanks for helping me to realize that. I don't know how to help my mom but probably I can't, just avoid these people myself, she won't or can't avoid them.N o, that is not fair, she has improved but not enough yet.