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sjlaurence
January 15th, 2015, 05:49 AM
A man called me a Dissenter the other day, and I admitted that I dissented from him, but I charged him with being a Dissenter because he dissented from me. He replied that I was a Nonconformist, but I retorted that he also was a Nonconformist, for he did not conform to me.
Charles Haddon Spurgeon, Eccentric Preachers

I quite often read on this forum how some member is being pressured, or feels that they are being pressured, or feels that it is the norm and so they must style or cut their hair a certain way. Though this piece is obviously not written about hair it made me think of the conformist society in which we live. The point I want to make is that you don't have to conform to some norm. Where does this norm come from anyway? So if you are feeling judged today because you are not conforming know that differences make the world a stunning place: don't be afraid to embrace your nonconformity, or even your conformity. :)

Bambi
January 15th, 2015, 07:22 AM
Beautifully written! Thank you!

hannabiss
January 15th, 2015, 08:13 AM
Very nice :)

Entangled
January 15th, 2015, 09:28 AM
A community needs some amount of conformity to exist--it provides social cohesion. The problem is, when we condemn and try to wear down those who don't fit ideally into our perception, we lose the chance to learn and gain new insight. We stop trying to learn and start focusing on the need to preserve. We don't want change, we want stagnation, because it is so comfortable and known. Stagnation doesn't lead to growth, though. It opposes it. A delicate balance is needed. We need to support the outliers and the dissenters from the common, accepted point of view, but they also have to be willing to listen. That's why I don't want to give snarky answers to people as to why I don't donate my hair. Retaliation deepens the divide and further defines the opposing party as Other, an alien perspective that we dislike or fear. This community is a good example. How many of us have defended our desire to grow hair longer than average societal expectations? Our Otherness from 'mainstream' helps us bond as a community: people who want to grow their hair regardless of society's thoughts. On the other hand, we have to be careful not to push out members who don't fit our views. We need to support those who love their pixies and box dye and embrace those who have damaged or short hair, as long as they want to be included in our community. It's important to realize that we can't impose our views on other people; they must choose it for themselves. The same goes for people who join our community. They're expected to respect our community and embrace some level of conformity (not hair goals, but knit, though sometimes people feel pressured by prevailing opinion) in exchange for community membership and support. Also important is that we can't expect people to support or endorse our beliefs, 'cuz we usually don't want to embrace theirs!

Now, banning people from the community has its place, but should be reserved for those who are against that balance (knit guidelines). However, there is some elements that people can't complain about in a voluntary community. If someone came and posted a rant on how long hair is ridiculous and we should all bob our hair, I don't know if they'd be reprimanded, but they would certainly lose standing in the community, because as inclusive as we like to think we are, it's hard to accept attacks on your beliefs. It's not always easy to see where the line is between people who challenge our beliefs and people who attack put believe. My two cents, anyways.

proo
January 15th, 2015, 11:37 AM
Complete noncomformist here -
56, long grey hair, yoga teacher, live in a cave (almost), SO hair regimen, few possessions,
with huge suspicion of most CW regarding health and happiness.
But, the banquet is supposed to be large in order to pick and choose very subtly and specifically
so I have to be willing to accept other points of view even when they deviate from mine alot.
We didn't come forward to coerce each other into one way,
we came to expand the crazy thang.

pastina
January 15th, 2015, 12:01 PM
i've been temped to leave this site lately, because i'm sick to death of reading comments that are some permutation of if you dye your hair, you might as well just chop it off, because you've damaged it beyond all hope.

statements like this are made on a regular basis, and it grates on me because not only are they untrue, they make me feel like i'm "fighting the power". how absurd.

Majorane
January 15th, 2015, 12:19 PM
i've been temped to leave this site lately, because i'm sick to death of reading comments that are some permutation of if you dye your hair, you might as well just chop it off, because you've damaged it beyond all hope.

statements like this are made on a regular basis, and it grates on me because not only are they untrue, they make me feel like i'm "fighting the power". how absurd.
...Oh :( Is that so? I find that sad :( And also I myself proooobably am maybe a bit in the anti-bleach-police camp so now I feel bad that maybe my BLEACH NO STOP comments might have helped this antidye force. Never realized that that might help create a culture in which dye in general is frowned upon. Aka, while I'm not typing this to get pardonned by you, it's an insight in how apparently I am conforming to LHC standards while not being 100% behind it. (...As I am not a personal fan of harsh bleach jobs, but can appreciate other dyes and also who cares if I dislike someone elses bleaching.)

Personally, I do notice that I conform to whatever society I am in (...to some extend, I'll still always be an oddball). It might make me a herd animal, but ...it's something really deep deep down inside me that wants to be part of a herd. I do it without noticing, usually. And I think that goes for a lot of people: they don't consciously conform, but do so because we are herd animals. We're, in the wild, dependend on the group (a lone humand would die if it got kicked out of the cave) and thus we are programmed to follow the safe route of the herd?

pastina
January 15th, 2015, 12:59 PM
oh majorane, don't worry. im not pointing to anyone in particular :) it's more an issue with this forum's hive mind.

i think my issue is that a lot of members here see things in black and white. a hair brush is bad. heat is bad. bleach is bad. wearing your hair down is bad. trimming too frequently (or not frequently enough!) is bad. know what's awesome? henna. we all need to give up the dye and achieve the same hemline.

and there is no room left for the grey areas.

obviously, my focus is color, because i color my hair. let me be clear-- i will be the first to admit that bleach CAN destroy your hair. in fact, i shout it from the rooftops! because, yes, if you do it wrong, your hair will melt off in clumps. that said, equating bleach use of any kind to destroying your hair is completely discounting the fact that, while there are a multitude of wrong ways to use it, there's also a RIGHT way.

like, if you've got previously colored hair and you slap some 40 volume developer on there under heat for two hours, yes, you're probably doomed. but more often i see people asking about adding highlights or color to virgin hair, and they're made to feel like it would be condemning their hair to snap and split. meanwhile, i've read more threads about people trying to use crazy substances to remove henna than my stomach can handle.

my hair is long and healthy, growing at a wonderful pace, and it hasn't required a s&d session in months. and hey, it's purple and green. so, if you need help, ask. those who have done so already have gotten more info than they were bargaining for, i'm sure. color can be safe and i am not a unicorn. i just do my research.

spidermom
January 15th, 2015, 01:54 PM
When I was in management training, I learned that the majority of the population prefers to fit in with their peers. I'm just the opposite. If I see a lot of people wearing blue, for example, I'll feel that blue is over-represented and go for something different, maybe red. For a few of us, being different is a stronger drive than fitting in.

If I'm standing face to face with someone in a blue shirt calling me a nonconformist because I'm wearing a red shirt, I'm the nonconformist because I deliberately chose not to fit in; that's how I see it.

swearnsue
January 15th, 2015, 02:06 PM
It can be scary to not fit in and be a non conformist but it's still a million times better to do something scary than to try to be something you are not.

Tussi
January 15th, 2015, 02:09 PM
It can be scary to not fit in and be a non conformist but it's still a million times better to do something scary than to try to be something you are not.

This exactly.

CremeTron
January 15th, 2015, 02:14 PM
Well Pastina, I ought to come to you then as I adore hair colour. I have bleached ends and a bleached white stripe. I have about 6 inches of undyed hair I am itching to colour- what is your secret?! Is is coconut oil?

pastina
January 15th, 2015, 02:40 PM
haha, cremetron <3 i'd love to assist. here are some quick pointers, but feel free to pm me if you have any questions.

you don't want to overlap bleach onto the hair you've already lightened. at this point, i haven't bleached anything but my roots in literally years. i don't use bleach to switch up my color-- if i want to change, i fade my color out, or switch to a color that will cover what i have and not fade down to mud. (like, i dyed my teal green over a pink base because i know it will fade down to a steel blue. if i'd chosen a yellower green, my fade would be really gross looking.)

but, if i need to do my roots, i don't wash for as long as possible beforehand. coconut soaks are definitely helpful!

i never use developer stronger than 30 volume, and i never use bleach straight-- i only do bleach baths. i don't apply heat. if i need to lighten further, i wait at least a week and use protein conditioner.

my best advice-- don't be impatient. wait out awkward phases to protect your hair.

Rushli
January 15th, 2015, 03:25 PM
I had virgin hair when the enabler named Pastina came along. I followed her directions and my no trims since Oct 2014 hair has gotten 2 split ends in 4 months sinc the first bleach bath(though I am due to give it a good thorough check again) it is taking a bit for me to settle into the color and placement I want, but I love it!

Oddly enough I am a herd confirmed though. Only currently the herd around me is older ladies and no offense to any older ladies here, but they are boring style wise. I started wearing skirts all the time, growing out my hair and am a pastor's wife. I think coloring my hair was just outward way to say "don't judge a book by its cover." Oh and I got my first blue hair comment and it was sooooo fun! (A lady around 60 made a comment to her daughter in her mid 20s and the daughter just rolled her eyes at her) I guess I do like being different too.

As far as following the herd on here, I jumped onto the wanting an even hemline bandwagon... Then soon fell off because I like my layers! I do want to try having less layers, but we will see how that goes when I get to the right length. I do have say it is discouraging sometimes to see people talk so negatively about their taper which happens to look just like my layers. I get that it is not what they want and they are free to not like it, but it's a still a bit sad. It's just something I have to get over.

CremeTron
January 15th, 2015, 03:41 PM
Thanks Pastina, I had to google "bleach bath" and coconut oil soak". Very good pointers, thanks so much.

Apart from my streak, I think I will just lift by 1-2 shades in future. I never go above 30% either now as I had to cut some hair out after using 40% vol for too long. Thanks again:blossom:

jeanniet
January 15th, 2015, 05:03 PM
oh majorane, don't worry. im not pointing to anyone in particular :) it's more an issue with this forum's hive mind.

i think my issue is that a lot of members here see things in black and white. a hair brush is bad. heat is bad. bleach is bad. wearing your hair down is bad. trimming too frequently (or not frequently enough!) is bad. know what's awesome? henna. we all need to give up the dye and achieve the same hemline.

and there is no room left for the grey areas.

obviously, my focus is color, because i color my hair. let me be clear-- i will be the first to admit that bleach CAN destroy your hair. in fact, i shout it from the rooftops! because, yes, if you do it wrong, your hair will melt off in clumps. that said, equating bleach use of any kind to destroying your hair is completely discounting the fact that, while there are a multitude of wrong ways to use it, there's also a RIGHT way.

like, if you've got previously colored hair and you slap some 40 volume developer on there under heat for two hours, yes, you're probably doomed. but more often i see people asking about adding highlights or color to virgin hair, and they're made to feel like it would be condemning their hair to snap and split. meanwhile, i've read more threads about people trying to use crazy substances to remove henna than my stomach can handle.

my hair is long and healthy, growing at a wonderful pace, and it hasn't required a s&d session in months. and hey, it's purple and green. so, if you need help, ask. those who have done so already have gotten more info than they were bargaining for, i'm sure. color can be safe and i am not a unicorn. i just do my research.

Keep in mind that much of what you could call "hive mind" is coming from newer members, who tend to want absolute rules because they haven't quite figured it all out yet--there are times when it really is easier to go by the "rules." And then they want to share with others, without really understanding the YMMV concept, or that there can be degrees of variation. The farther along they get, the more they loosen up. Members who have been here longer and have a routine down, along with seeing trends come and go, usually have a much looser attitude. Not always. Anyway, I love people who color their hair the way you do. My 22 year old niece came to visit at Christmas and had the most lovely lavender hair (it was bright red before). You wouldn't believe how many little girls tell her she looks like a princess, lol.

peacecat3
January 15th, 2015, 05:30 PM
LOL--I'm kinda with Spidermom on this one. I might really like wearing blue shirts, but if EVERYONE were wearing them, I think I'd wander just to add some spice.

I'm sorry some have experienced negativity here. YMMV, definitely! And there are ways to mitigate damage. :agree:

jacqueline101
January 15th, 2015, 09:34 PM
I've never blended in I'm a female contractor. It's no surprise my hair choices or routine would be the same. I don't think of standing out as scary but being myself. I live by one rule that's to please myself.

umbrellabones
January 15th, 2015, 10:45 PM
I've always considered myself a nonconformist and I've always thought it was silly to wear or do something just because it's a trend that everybody is doing. But now I also think that it's just as silly NOT to do or wear something just because everyone else is. And it's also silly to wear something JUST because no one else does. So I really try to think about why I want to wear what I do and that I'm doing it for me. if I don't like the blue shirts everyone's wearing then I won't wear one. Maybe I like the purple one better and wear that. But if I do like the blue shirts everyone is wearing why wouldn't I wear it? Why would I wear purple just so people would think I was different if I really like the blue one better.

I personally tend to always like the purple shirt better (I love this analogy) but sometimes I'll catch my self liking something and hesitating on wearing it because everyone will think I'm following the trend. I have to remind myself that if it was something of the "nonconformist category" I wouldn't care what people thought of me wearing it. so why would I care what they think of me if it happens to be something in style? I try to always make sure I'm dressing for ME and what I like, and not trying to fit into a category. whether that category be nonconformist or conformist.

MadPirateBippy
January 15th, 2015, 11:52 PM
I will never really fit in and I have little patience for the argument that I should do something because it's what everyone else does. Seriously, F that as hard as it can be effed.

I learned this lesson very young- I could drive myself crazy trying to do all the right things, and fit in, but I never will. The girls and women who are going to hate me and make my life miserable because I'm a weirdo will still hate me, but I'll be miserable not only because of the torture, but because I'm trying to force my square pegg butt into a round hole.

Or I can do what I want, please myself, and at least I'm being true to my own self. The people who are going to hate me will hate me anyway, but my odds of making decent friends who like me for who I am goes up, as well- because I'm not trying to shove myself into boxes in which I don't fit.

Majorane
January 16th, 2015, 01:16 AM
I learned this lesson very young- I could drive myself crazy trying to do all the right things, and fit in, but I never will. The girls and women who are going to hate me and make my life miserable because I'm a weirdo will still hate me, but I'll be miserable not only because of the torture, but because I'm trying to force my square pegg butt into a round hole.

Or I can do what I want, please myself, and at least I'm being true to my own self. The people who are going to hate me will hate me anyway, but my odds of making decent friends who like me for who I am goes up, as well- because I'm not trying to shove myself into boxes in which I don't fit.
Oh, this is very recognizable. Square peg butts all the way, yay!!!
Alhough I still conform to some things (quite a lot, actually). And it can actually be quite nice, too. Just, not appearance wise. We all do, no matter how uncomformist we are. You hae to function in society, after all. :