Friend going through chemo wants me to cut of with her

[vega]

Hi guys , I have a close friend going through chemo soon , and she has decided she will shave her locks off instead of her hair falling out due to treatment ,she is wanting me do cut my hair short too so we can gan go on this journey together ,idont want be selfish but I don't know if that's what I want, she is assuming I want to be part of this cause we are great friends any ideas how I can deal with this I' know this may seem selfish thoughts anyone

[Clarkie]

Wow that's a tough situation. I think you need to be very honest with your friend. If you don't want to cut your hair perhaps you could commit to wearing it up or wearing headscarves, hats etc. along with your friend to show support.
Best wishes for your friend's full recovery.

[amanda_the_tall]

Maybe try suggesting other ways of supporting her? Perhaps special matching beanie hats (which she will probably need since it's rather chilly). So she can have them to keep her head warm,and you can use it to protect your hair? It seems like an odd request to me. I wouldn't ask someone to change their body because of something I'm going through, but then again I don't have close friends either.

[Nadine <3]

My cousin has cancer, her hair started falling out and she asked me to shave it for her. I did it for her, and then she asked if I wanted to shave mine as well. I had to carefully explain that I was growing mine out and didn't want to shave it. It was a really delicate situation, but my cousin took it well. I bought us matching fuzzy hats instead :)

[mz_butterfly]

I'm sorry for your friend having cancer and for her impending chemo treatments, but you can show your love and support in many ways. I would simply tell her that you love her, support her and will be with her in any way, but you like having your hair and don't wish to cut it. I don't think that you have to be miserable to commiserate and stand in solidarity with her.

[Beckstar]

It's not selfish. Your hair is a part of your body and you won't cut off a leg if a friend lost one....many extreme example because hair grows back...but it's not selfish to keep what is on/grows from your body. You can show support in much more useful/productive ways.

[vega]

Hi mz butterfly and friends I apreciate all your support last week I purchased my friend a nice wig to make her feel comfortable as her hair will be shaved off next week then she asked me which wig I was getting I was shocked to hear her say that those wigs are not cheap either I just feel after all emotional support it doesnt feel like its enough its like she doesnt want me to have hair either

[Majorane]

To be honest I think it's a strange request, asking someone to chop of their hair 'for you'. That's quite something to ask from a friend, or from anyone. Is that normal where you live? Because I haven't heard much of the practice.

*after half a cup of coffee* You know, there probably is a polite way to word my opinion, but I can't think of any. So the blunt version. I think it's silly to chop off your hair for someone else. It will not help her get better. It will not do anything else than having another person next to her suffer her baldness with her. And while it's nice to have support when things are ****ty (and cancer and chemo is a lot more than just ****ty, it's horrible), I think it's selfish of anyone to ask an innocent bystander to suffer a years long self induced side effect of a treatment she is having, just to help her feel better. That is quite selfish to ask, and will not help her in any way. Why would she want you to feel ****ty about your baldness and short hair for years (because it will take you years to regrow)? What's in that for her? Not feeling lonely? I don't get it.


Of course I doubt your friend really thinks about it that way and I'm sure she is nice. She probably is scared as all heck and hopes to find companionship in discussing scalp treatments or what have you. But asking someone to chop off their waist length hair for your own comfort? No. Don't do it if you don't want to. That's not support.

[ArienEllariel]

Agree 100% with Majorane.

[Stormynights]

Buying your friend a wig was a very kind thing to do. I don't think looking at your bald head will make her battle with cancer any easier.

[Knifegill]

That's co-dependency, your friend knows how much you love your hair. I would NOT do it.

[anastasiashea]

Your friend is being selfish, but that's normal. She's going through something absolutely terrifying, and people react in many different ways to tragedy. Some people get clingy, some people push away their friends. Some people are energized to live a better and more productive life, and some people just want to wallow. She is afraid for her health, her appearance, and her relationships. Emotions are high, and it's easy to be selfish or irrational even without cancer! We're all human.

Here's a few possible scenarios I can imagine:
Maybe she feels like a burden (irrationally, of course) and wants to push you away to "save" you from having to deal with this. Maybe she knows that your hair is important to you and thinks that asking you to cut it is the perfect way to drive a wedge between you.

Maybe she is afraid that your relationship will fall apart with the illness, since that happens pretty often to sick people. Maybe she thinks if you shave your head, it will create a deeper bond between you two.

Maybe she feels that she is losing her own sense of identity by losing her hair and that somehow, you losing something as well will make it easier to endure.

Maybe none of these are close at all, but I'd bet that she is just fearful and not entirely rational. That said, don't do anything you don't want to do. Be honest and open with her. Explain why you don't want to, that she is asking you to change your body for her and that makes you uncomfortable. It may be scary to confront her without knowing what her reaction will be, but I trust it will all work out in the end (even if she's mad for a little while). She may even already realize that her assumption is unfair, but is pushing the issue anyway because of all the crazy emotions she has running through her.

Good luck to you and your friend.

[vega]

Thanks for all the support guys I caught up with my friend for a few hours today and she said if I don't cut my hair short at least blade 2 she will no longer be my friend I've known Joanne since grade 5 I've been really supportive to her and her family even purchasing a really nice wig for her I know she's not thinking clearly but she is making feel like I'm the one who is been unreasonable one

[Sarahlabyrinth]

She is emotionally blackmailing you. What sort of friend is she trying to be? If you don't want to shave your hair, don't shave it. If you still want to support her, you will be able to find other ways of doing it - the matching hats is a great idea.

[anastasiashea]

Thanks for all the support guys I caught up with my friend for a few hours today and she said if I don't cut my hair short at least blade 2 she will no longer be my friend I've known Joanne since grade 5 I've been really supportive to her and her family even purchasing a really nice wig for her I know she's not thinking clearly but she is making feel like I'm the one who is been unreasonable one

Are you close to any of her family members? I'm sure they're reeling too, but it might be easier to get one of them "on your side" to help her see reason. You are definitely not being unreasonable! You have the right to do what you want with your body and hair. Just try to stay calm and wait out the storm. Keep reaching out now and then (you know what's best) and stay positive. Maybe a letter to her would help, so you could get all your thoughts out clearly without having to worry about accidentally saying something rude.

[Majorane]

Begpardon? You need to cut your hair or else the friendship is over? Get that wig back and wear it for a sassy cosplay, with friends that are less possesive of your body and it's keratine excretions. Cancer is afwul, but it's not an excuse to behave like the queen.of the world and everyone that lives in it. She can return being your friend if she comes down from that horse she's currently sittting on. Don't cut your hair. Unless you do it for YOU.

[BitterChocolate]

Is your friend quite attached to her hair? Maybe she feels that with her head shaved looking at your long locks will keep reminding her what she lost. If that's the case perhaps you offering to wear a headscarf or something to cover it while she's going through chemo would help?

In any case it's an odd request, you being miserable is in no way going to help her, it will just create more tension and aversion between you. Surely it should be a priority for her to surround herself with people that are positive, and forcing you to shave your head will just have the opposite effect.

[Sofialu]

That is a lot to ask of someone. Not everybody reacts to chemo the same way, I know 2 people that have undergone chemo and didn't lose any hair, she may want to wait before she shaves her own to see if treatment affects her in that way.

[anastasiashea]

Begpardon? You need to cut your hair or else the friendship is over? Get that wig back and wear it for a sassy cosplay, with friends that are less possesive of your body and it's keratine excretions. Cancer is afwul, but it's not an excuse to behave like the queen.of the world and everyone that lives in it. She can return being your friend if she comes down from that horse she's currently sittting on. Don't cut your hair. Unless you do it for YOU.

I don't think it's necessarily an excuse to behave like the queen of the world, but in some people, life-changing news like cancer can trigger legitimate mental illnesses. I think it's worth waiting it out to see if things change, but I definitely agree that it is not worth cutting your hair over. Her friend needs to realize her logical error (or mental issues) and not have everybody bend over backwards to please her.

[vega]

Majorane and all of you , thank you my friend was making me sound unreasonable today when we met up she suggested that we both donate to locks of love I understand she is going through a tough time but I'm right Here for and I've been growing my hair for last 3 years it's just cause she wont have long hair she doesn't want me to have long hair either it makes me really upset but I have to make decision for me an nobody else

[vega]

Hi Sofialu she has quiet aggressive cancer so her chemo will make her hair fall out so she prefers to be in control of shaving her hair off

[Majorane]

I don't think it's necessarily an excuse to behave like the queen of the world, but in some people, life-changing news like cancer can trigger legitimate mental illnesses. I think it's worth waiting it out to see if things change, but I definitely agree that it is not worth cutting your hair over. Her friend needs to realize her logical error (or mental issues) and not have everybody bend over backwards to please her.

True, which is why I didn't say "ditch that friend forever". But I think that sometimes, as a friend, it is also a kindness/duty/helping hand to say to a friend "you, my dear, have your head stuck up in your bum and you are doing things that are not okay! Behave!" Kindness in harshness, you know? I might sound harsh, but in fact I am a very supportive friend. If a friend is sick or in the hospital, I'm the one that visits every day, brings thins from the home and runs every errand that needs to run. I like doing that! And I have a shoulder to cry on when required. But I'll also point out if you're behaving out of line. And I have had friends thank me for being there for them but also for proddin their bum when it was necessary. As for mental illness, there is only so much you can do but in general I am a firm believer in standing up for your boundaries, especially with dear friendships. It's important! And it'll give the other person an opportunity to work on the friendship too, by giving them an idea of what you don't want instead of walking away.

[Sofialu]

Hi Sofialu she has quiet aggressive cancer so her chemo will make her hair fall out so she prefers to be in control of shaving her hair off

Hi Vega, I'm very sorry to hear that and I hope that she gets better.

[vega]

Thanks for the scenarios anastasiashea it's helping think how my poor friend is feeling, im hoping she will come around as I don't want to sacrifice my hair for our friendship

[Majorane]

Maybe it also helps if you let her read some of the articles about the truth of Locks of Love. That organization is rather controversial, does she know that? And of course, best wishes to her even if she's out of line with the hair request. I do hope she'll get better.

[WaimeaWahine]

I can see both sides of this.

If you can't sit her down and have a heart to heart and come to an understanding, then the friendship may have other issues. OTOH, she's extremely frightened in her current predicament and not unreasonably so. Hair grows back, time with your friend may be limited. It comes down to what's important to you both as individuals.

Perhaps it's not that she doesn't want you to have hair either, but rather that she wants to feel less alone. I'd direct her toward support groups where she can meet other women who can discuss and handle hair issues with her. :)

[Beezle]

Even if you did decide to shave your head, when would you be "permitted" to let it grow out? Would you have to wait until her treatment was over and she started to show growth before you were allowed to let yours grow out? Maybe your growth while she was still undergoing treatment could also be offensive to her and you could be obliged to keep reshaving to be worthy of her friendship.

[lapushka]

I think it's selfish of any cancer patient to just assume that others are going to shave their heads off for them. How rude of her. I would tell her in no uncertain terms (gentle, but firm). I'm a chronic pain patient and struggle with a disability. I am not a cancer patient, but I know what it is to suffer. I have had multiple cancer patients and deaths in the family. People close to me. They never demanded such things.

[Elly May]

Just wanted to jump in here and agree with EVERYONE else that this is an absurd request, coupled with the threat of "you won't be my friend anymore." I think you would immediately regret shaving or cutting your hair, and then you would have to live with the consequences until it grows back, and that definitely wouldn't be good for the friendship. I would probably be angry with both of us and resentful if I were manipulated into doing something I wouldn't do, and that would be very hurtful to our relationship...because friends don't treat each other this way....

I am sorry for your friend and hope that she finds healing.

[Bene]

It's not necessarily selfish to ask, but it's selfish to assume agreement in this.

[embee]

That request does not make sense to me. And I would not do it. If she rejects friendship and support because of it, that's *her* decision.

[Zebra Fish]

I wouldn't do it. If she is blackmailing you, than there is probably a deeper problem in your friendship. I'm not gonna elaborate this here, but there usually is. Chemo or no chemo, that's WAY to selfish to do. Dunno how old is she, but that's something a 10 yrs old can ask you to do. All the best wishes for her, but she is selfish.

[DreamSheep]

Don't do it.

You don't want to, so if you do, you will resent her for it.
Friendship should run a lot deeper than hair, so your friendship shouldn't be based on that. You can show support in many other ways:
~Donating to cancer research
~Wearing matching hats / headscarves / wearing a fake short hairstyle (like a Conair bob-maker, so you don't have to sacrifice your length)
~Visit her in hospital and bring her things she likes and will cheer her up

There are also "freeze caps", which apparently prevent blood circulation to the follicles during chemo, thus preventng the toxins from killing dividing hair cells, and thus allowing patients to keep their hair. It can't be pleasant, but it would be a way of keeping her hair?
Maybe she can try out several funky shortstyles before zipping it all off (mohawk?)

[Sofialu]

Don't do it.

There are also "freeze caps", which apparently prevent blood circulation to the follicles during chemo, thus preventng the toxins from killing dividing hair cells, and thus allowing patients to keep their hair. It can't be pleasant, but it would be a way of keeping her hair?
Maybe she can try out several funky shortstyles before zipping it all off (mohawk?)

I couldn't remember what it was but my mother in law (sadly had terminal cancer) was given something so her hair wouldn't fall out and it worked, it thinned a little but not enough that anyone other than family would notice.

[Gertrude]

Forgive me. My heart truly breaks for your friend. Cancer is dreadful. And being diagnosed with an aggressive cancer doesn't make anyone at all reasonable. She is frightened senseless. But this is a horrible, horrible dynamic.

* She has cancer; and faces hair loss most likely. Her hair may well grow back very different than before after. That happened to several of my friends who went through chemotherapy. She may be very unhappy to lose her curls/ gain them or whatever.
* You don't have cancer. You cutting all your hair off, or shaving your head will see your hair grow back when she allows it and it will be just the same as before. That won't be popular if yours doesn't change
* It may well be that she is pouring all her fears for her cancer journey into the hair. But although all of us may die tomorrow, there is a dreadful chance she will be killed by the cancer. You shaving your head won't help or hinder that.
* If unfortunately she is not going to survive, what then? Is she going to ask you to to come with her then?

You are two people, not one person. She is on a journey not of her choosing, with an uncertain destination and with trials along the way, and nobody can come on that journey with her. Or make it for her. You can be supportive, and loving, and there, and you can accompany the trip as you are able, but it's not your journey. It's hers. This is a horrible dynamic in a friendship in a tragic situation. I very much hope she lives through this.

[Johannah]

Just like other members said, don't do it if you don't want to. I hope she'll come around and get you'll be there for her, whether you cut your hair or not.

[ARG]

My heart goes out to both of you! A cancer diagnosis affects everyone close to the person with the cancer, and I'm sure you're still trying to come to terms with your friends illness, while dealing with such a strange request.

Would you have to continue to shave your head? Unlike her, your hair will grow while she undergoes treatment, hers will not. As your friend she should know how important your hair is to you, asking that is not a very thoughtful thing on her part, and is a very strange, strange request. I wouldn't dream in a million years to ask my dear friend whom I have known since 9 months old to shave her head.

When a dear member of our church received her diagnosis, all the ladies in the church bought scarves, and when we got word that she had shaved her head, the very next Sunday all the women showed up wearing the scarves with not a strand of hair visible. She was so surprised, and touched by it.

[sweetestday]

I would offer something else supportive, like doing a walk or run for cancer benefit.

[DarleneH]

Matching hats, matching turbans or head scarves, buy her a really fun wig but take her shopping for it with you. She could use this as an opportunity to wear her dream hair that she wouldn't normally. It's an awful situation to be in but try to get as much fun out of it as possible.

[kganihanova]

That's weird. Unless y'all are sisters, that's a little over the line....

[Bene]

That's weird. Unless y'all are sisters, that's a little over the line....


Nope, still wouldn't do it.

[GetMeToWaist]

Dont shave your hair off. Its your hair. Not hers.

[Sharysa]

I'm very sorry that your friend has cancer and I understand how terrified she must be. I'm fine with asking because everyone has a right to ask things, but assuming you'll do it? And now DEMANDING that you shave your head with her or else the friendship is over?

The whole point of friends and family members shaving their heads in support is that they do it WILLINGLY. Not because they were ordered to. "I shaved my head because s/he threatened to end the friendship if I didn't." People are going to sympathize more with you than her, even if they understand that she has cancer.

Explain to her that there's lots of other ways you can show your support, as mentioned above.

[höpönasu]

That is very sad indeed, but demanding someone else shave their hair off with no reason... It won't help her heal, maybe it'll comfort her but why you should shave your hair? There's no reason. Tell her that you won't. NO matter how much I'd love my friend asking me same question I wouldn't do it just for pure pressure.

[Beckstar]

I should add that I am very sorry to hear that she's sick and she's probably scared and something like that makes her feel better. I have no idea what it's like to have an illness like cancer. But I view hair as a part of the body and it's ok for her to ask as everyone said but not ok or reasonable to demand it from you and cut you off if you don't. If that's true, I'd step back and let her know you're available when she really needs you.

[neko_kawaii]

It's not necessarily selfish to ask, but it's selfish to assume agreement in this.

Agreed.

I don't consider it selfish to ask (awkward perhaps), but the assumption that you would go along with the request and the threat to end the friendship are over the line.

I have been aware of sympathy shaving for two decades. I cut my hair off for a friend with cancer when I was in high school, I've known many people who have done the same. One of my acquaintances is currently sporting shorn locks in support of a friend. This is not a shocking new thing, though it maybe more common in particular regions.

Is it a meaningless gesture? Not really. In a culture where having no hair is frowned upon (unless perhaps you are Patrick Stewart) going around with no hair (especially when female) gets a lot of stares and comments (I know, I did the whole shaved thing in college for the experience. It isn't easy to go out in public like that and not want to hide) having someone close to you living the same experience makes you feel less like a complete weirdo. If you have to get up on a stage and do the chicken dance all by yourself you'd feel self conscious unless you were comfortable with performance. If you have a friend up on the stage doing the chicken dance with you, fewer eyes are on you alone, maybe you can get into it and have some fun.

It isn't friendship to guilt someone into getting up on stage with them and doing the chicken dance in front of an audience.

Another suggestion for things you can do together: henna tattoos. Look into henna crowns for cancer patients. Get your own big beautiful henna tattoo when she gets a crown.

[chen bao jun]

She may be a friend and I'm sorry she has cancer, but she's a bully. If she gets in a car accident, will you have to cut off a leg? You don't actually even need to ever discuss this with her again. If she doesn't want to be your friend because you have hair and she doesn't (or let's face it, because she has cancer and you don't) she's not wOrth it. You didn't give her cancer. There is more to this than meets the eye aND none of it is about you. Hugs to you.

[Bene]

She may be a friend and I'm sorry she has cancer, but she's a bully. If she gets in a car accident, will you have to cut off a leg? You don't actually even need to ever discuss this with her again. If she doesn't want to be your friend because you have hair and she doesn't (or let's face it, because she has cancer and you don't) she's not wOrth it. You didn't give her cancer. There is more to this than meets the eye aND none of it is about you. Hugs to you.


Okay. I would LOVE for someone to ask me to do that.


http://i6.photobucket.com/albums/y244/bene25/gifs/Hf4j2rv_zpss74jbov3.gif

[spidermom]

The request I wouldn't have a problem with, but to threaten to end the friendship? Over the line. Don't have a single moment of self-doubt over not complying.

[vega]

Matching hats, matching turbans or head scarves, buy her a really fun wig but take her shopping for it with you. She could use this as an opportunity to wear her dream hair that she wouldn't normally. It's an awful situation to be in but try to get as much fun out of it as possible.

hi Darlene I've already purchased her a beautiful real life hair wig and she asked me which one I was getting I was shocked to hear her say that

[lapushka]

The request I wouldn't have a problem with, but to threaten to end the friendship? Over the line. Don't have a single moment of self-doubt over not complying.

Yes, there's something "up" with that. Threatening to end the friendship, that's emotional blackmail. Sorry, but I'd rather lose her as a "friend" and what a friend she is with such requests anyway.

[Chromis]

Has she always been like this or is this some new thing? Either the stress is making her go cuckoo (totally possible!) or she is really not a friend, but just someone using you.

Either way, no I would not do this. (And as someone who has lost their hair due to cancer, I wouldn't imagine asking this sort of thing!)

[truepeacenik]

The word that keeps echoing in my mind is, Control.
She's lost all control, and wants some.

This does not excuse her threats.

But, could you offer to don a similar wig, over your hair?
My people do it all the time. ;)

[ZeppHead]

That it tough....honestly I had to think about this before answering. She will probably feel horrible seeing your hair when she has none. If it were me and she was a very close friend I would consider doing it for her. It selfless and though obviously hair is very special to us and I myself hang onto every inch and cant wait to keep growing longer I would consider my friend's feelings more important than my hair. Truthfully hair *is* just hair and she is sick and it would mean something to her. I'm not saying its the right thing to do but if it were me it would definitely be a consideration.

All the best wishes to your friend in her chemo and fighting cancer.

[vega]

Has she always been like this or is this some new thing? Either the stress is making her go cuckoo (totally possible!) or she is really not a friend, but just someone using you.

Either way, no I would not do this. (And as someone who has lost their hair due to cancer, I wouldn't imagine asking this sort of thing!). Hi chromis this is totally out of her character and all the medications are probably not helping normally she is a dear friend and I want to make sure I'm dealing with this in a delicate situation but she has become mean to me lately and it's a form of her been a bully your guys support has encouraged me am I so thankful for that , I've known Joanne for past ten years so it's not a friendship I would like to just get rid of , she keeps on insisting locks of love to me and saying we should donate and how selfish it would be if I don't it's heartbreaking

[Dickiebow]

Vega I really hope that your friend gets well. From what you've just said it does sound like the cancer and medication are making her act out of character. But to be a bully is never acceptable, regardless of the circumstances.
I've heard of friends offering to shave their own hair for friends but this is always their choice, their suggestion. If you don't feel comfortable doing it then you shouldn't. I really think you should chat to her and let her know that it's not a request you are going to fulfill and that you're still going to be there for her. Even if she thinks she doesn't want that now, she will really need you when she's in the middle of her treatment.
Sending you hugs.

[neko_kawaii]

I wonder if involving another mutual friend would help her see that she is not being her self with insisting on this?

[Kaelee]

My first thought, honestly, is she on some medication that makes her cukoo? I have a friend going through cancer treatment, and she's said that her mind is just not itself sometimes because of the meds. She's mentioned feeling angry and aggressive due to steroids, and just plain out of it due to pain meds. I would consider that possibility as well.

[lapushka]

For me, it would be a definite "no". Whatever she requires or insists upon, no matter the circumstances. It is sad, and tragic, and believe me I've been there with cancer patients many times, but this is just not acceptable. Talk to her and just tell her you're not going to do it.

[MadPirateBippy]

I agree with the other people who have made great comments- she sounds scared, and a little out of her mind on drugs.

Tell her flat out you've been growing your hair or years and while plenty ofpeople show their support that way, you're going to show it in other ways. Then do. If you're at all of a cook, when we were deaing with my grandfather's cancer, having easy to heat and eat casseroles was such a blessing. I've also seen people put together meals in a jar, where all she has to do is add water, all the spices and ingredients are already there.

If you got her a nice wig, I know how freaking expensive those are, that's a really amazing gift.

If she says she won't be your friend anymore, write it off as a pain/drugs/fear thing and keep showing up. She's going to be a little crazy, don't take it too personally.

[molljo]

A few years ago my best friend's boyfriend (at the time) was diagnosed with testicular cancer. She did everything for him during his treatment. She moved in with him, took care of him every hour she wasn't at work, took him to all of his treatment and doctor's appointments (a four hour round trip every time), because she wanted to since she's one of the kindest and most selfless people I know. He became increasingly emotionally abusive to her, all while she basically gave up her life to help him. He was cruel and manipulative, and it just got worse and worse. She felt trapped because how can you dump someone with cancer?? He ended up having surgery and made a full recovery, but as soon as he was well he ditched her for someone much younger.

The moral of this story is that sick people are still people, capable of hurting you just like anyone else. My friend willingly did useful, supportive things, and she still got burned. Your friend is trying to force you to needlessly do something you don't want to do. I'm not saying that your friend is a bad person or that she'll screw you over in the end, but you absolutely have to look out for yourself.

[lapushka]

The moral of this story is that sick people are still people, capable of hurting you just like anyone else. My friend willingly did useful, supportive things, and she still got burned. Your friend is trying to force you to needlessly do something you don't want to do. I'm not saying that your friend is a bad person or that she'll screw you over in the end, but you absolutely have to look out for yourself.

This. Very much so! ^^

[ZeppHead]

Regardless of whether your buddies 20 years down the road or not it doesn't matter. It wouldn't be a regret it was a selfless thing to do. Its totally your decision. Don't feel obligated to do it or selfish if you don't. Its your hair and your life. I would still consider her feelings before making a decision. Definitely don't let her bully you into something you don't want to do and be there for her regardless. If you choose not to do this make sure she knows its not because you don't care and you'll still be holding her hand the whole way. I've been known to let people walk all over me so take the advice with a grain of salt. Make up your own mind.

[MeowScat]

Nope, don't do it. She's manipulating you and threatening your friendship. Sick or not, that's not nice.

[QMacrocarpa]

If a friend successfully guilted me into shaving my head, the friendship would be over, because I would resent it forever. I would stop discussing this subject with her, but if possible keep in touch and be supportive in other, more-practical ways.

[Chromis]

. Hi chromis this is totally out of her character and all the medications are probably not helping normally she is a dear friend and I want to make sure I'm dealing with this in a delicate situation but she has become mean to me lately and it's a form of her been a bully your guys support has encouraged me am I so thankful for that , I've known Joanne for past ten years so it's not a friendship I would like to just get rid of , she keeps on insisting locks of love to me and saying we should donate and how selfish it would be if I don't it's heartbreaking

Hmmm, it's a toughie. You might need to step back a bit emotionally and re-evaluate the best way to help without getting trounced. She'll likely feel awful about her behaviour later on, but that does not mean you should be her whipping boy either! Are you close with her family? This is probably something that needs to be brought up with her doctor, but broaching that would be quite delicate indeed.

Also, seeing as she keeps mentioning LOL specifically, it might be worth gently informing her that LOL does not normally sell wigs to cancer patients since she seems to be making some kind of connection there. (It is a common misconception!)

[vega]

Thanks guys your support on this has been overwhelming thank you, when my friend is suffering I think they forget that the ones around are suffering too, I caught up for tea with her earlier and told her that I will support and help her through this and I wouldn't be cutting my hair off she cannot accept this and I understand the medication is probably shaping her personality but I don't know what else to do she said I was selfish and the hair will grow back , I have tight curls and it takes even longer to grow I have waist length curls when wet but once dry it springs to my chest , also the wig I purchased her which was not cheap she cut the wig hair into a bob I was disappointed to see this as when I took her wig shopping she had any option of wig for me to buy for her now the wig looks messed up she cut off at least 8 inches, anyway I let her know if she needs a friend I'm here thank you long hair community for not making me feel selfish the way my friend did x

[Undomiel]

I'm happy to hear you stood your ground. It's your body and too much of a friend to ask, imo anyways.
Maybe one day she will understand. At least you are there for her in the more important ways. You sound selfless to me and a very kind friend to be so concerned about her feelings. :)

[mz_butterfly]

vega, you are a dear friend. A good friend. I can see you care very much about your friend and love her very much, or you wouldn't be so torn up about this.

I am sorry your friend is going through her troubles and making you miserable in the process.

Nothing that you do with your own body can help her, cure her, alleviate her pain or make her feel better.

If she can't stand to see you with hair, what is she going to do/think about all the other people in the world who has hair? I understand she wants someone who she feels is standing with her, so to speak. But asking someone to do something that they do not want to do is very unfair. Asking is one thing, demanding and threatening is another.

I know it's hard and I will tell you, when all this is over, no matter how it ends, she is going to regret threatening your friendship.

You can be the bigger person and the true friend by standing by her side, even if you aren't literally by her side, and letting her choose when she wants to renew the friendship.

I would write her a letter. Tell her that you love her, feel for her, are sad for her and are sad with her. But cutting your own hair off isn't an option and you're sorry about that. Tell her that you will be in her life as little or as much as she sees fit. If she pushes you away, then wait patiently for her to call you asking you to come over or to go out for lunch, tea, or whatever.

It's not going to be an easy ride. I hope you'll stick with your friend and all the craziness she is going through. Be firm and set your boundaries but be someone that she can lean on. I think she will respect you more for that.

(((hugs))) vega. (((hugs)))

[ZeppHead]

I am glad you were strong and did just what you wanted. I hope you remain friends or she soon realizes she made a mistake in the way she acted towards you. I think by her actions of cutting the wig it seems like she's hostile and angry about her situation and having to lose her own hair. Which makes it look like her attitude towards you was fed off that. I'm sorry for you and her situation. Even though how she acted was wrong she probably has a ton of emotions right now. Anger, resentment, sadness, feeling scared. ..I'm sure you realize that. Once she does she'll come around. I wish the best for you both.

[swearnsue]

You're nicer than I am. Not only would I NOT cut my hair I would stop being her friend if she brought the subject up one more time. I have very little patience for anyone, bosses, friends, family, who try to control me or manipulate me.

It sounds to me like it has become a game to her, she doesn't really care about you and your support, she just wants to see if she can make you cut off your hair.

Take care of yourself and worry much less about your friend. Just my opinion.

[vega]

I am glad you were strong and did just what you wanted. I hope you remain friends or she soon realizes she made a mistake in the way she acted towards you. I think by her actions of cutting the wig it seems like she's hostile and angry about her situation and having to lose her own hair. Which makes it look like her attitude towards you was fed off that. I'm sorry for you and her situation. Even though how she acted was wrong she probably has a ton of emotions right now. Anger, resentment, sadness, feeling scared. ..I'm sure you realize that. Once she does she'll come around. I wish the best for you both.

Thanks zepphead im frustrated about her cutting the wig as I bought it as a gift for her and she could of chosen any wig and I was happy to spend the money but now it just seems like a waste of my money that wig was over a weeks pay everones support is really helpinh ty

[cat11]

She sounds like a bad freind. You don't need that, nobody does. If she was really your freind she would understand why you might not want you to cut off your hair and wouldnt want to pressure you into something you wouldnt like. She wouldn't want to do volatile, hurtful things like cutting up a gift to pressure you into something. Maybe she is acting so strange because she's having some kind of mental break from the stress of having cancer, but no matter what the reason is people have to come down to earth and realize there are certain ways you dont treat others no matter what. She wont learn that as fast if you shave off her head to avoid her wrath and guilt tripping. Sorry you have to go through that.

[Majorane]

Vega: she cut the wig? Oh, no :( I feel very sorry for you. Of course a gift is a gift, but wigs are so expensive, and I'd feel very sad to see such a chunk of money, given with nice intentions, being destroyed. Do YOU know what's wrong with Locks of Love? Read up on it, and send her info about it, how horrible the company is. Besides, donating hair is not going to help heal a cancer patient. Chemo does! Hair loss is a horrid side effect but it's a horrid side effect of the cancer being killed --> a good thing!! And there are those ColdCaps out there that are much more useful hairwise, because they can help her keep her hair.

A big hug to you. This must be very painful. :grouphug:

[Mimha]

Hello Vega.

I have read carefully all the thread to make sure I did not miss an important point and I came to the same conclusion as most of the people here : her request is both useless and unfair. She just tries to test your loyalty, knowing that it's a key trigger to influence you because you are such a honest and good person. But the truth is that she may not be the nice friend you think she is. Going through hardship is not an excuse to manipulate people's feelings in order to make them sacrifice just for the sake of having them going through a bad time too. This will not help her in any way, unless the purpose is to see you miserable. And that's the point : she behaves like if she can't stand the idea that she will lose her hair when you will still able to enjoy yours. But that's life. Life is unfair. It doesn't mean YOU are unfair !

Some people can't stand the idea that they are suffering when others are enjoying life. But this happens sooner or later to every body ! What kind of friend is she if she can't stand the idea that her best friend is not suffering as badly as she does ??? Is it friendship to wish your friends to feel bad ??? (Would she have shaven her head for you ??) It's a totally selfish and immature behavior. And the fact that she has wrecked the wig is highly symbolical of the hatred she can't help feeling for that hair issue. It's terrible to feel powerless and stabbed by the unfairness of fate. Well, I partly understand this. I would not like my friends to offer me a wig if I had to undergo a chemo. And then kind of feel obliged to wear it. See what I mean ? But anyway. She is trying to focus her bitterness on you, and you don't deserve it. You have to show her your limits otherwise she will drag you into an endless blackmailing.

And to be honest, this behavior would be for me the sign of an unhealthy relationship (sometimes it's only in hardship that you come to realize that a relationship was unbalanced). I was so many times involved into emotional blackmailing, both in my professional and private life that I had to understand once for all that I had to protect myself and stop feeling guilty of the other people's problems, mistakes, carelessness or bad luck.

[lapushka]

Thanks guys your support on this has been overwhelming thank you, when my friend is suffering I think they forget that the ones around are suffering too, I caught up for tea with her earlier and told her that I will support and help her through this and I wouldn't be cutting my hair off she cannot accept this and I understand the medication is probably shaping her personality but I don't know what else to do she said I was selfish and the hair will grow back , I have tight curls and it takes even longer to grow I have waist length curls when wet but once dry it springs to my chest , also the wig I purchased her which was not cheap she cut the wig hair into a bob I was disappointed to see this as when I took her wig shopping she had any option of wig for me to buy for her now the wig looks messed up she cut off at least 8 inches, anyway I let her know if she needs a friend I'm here thank you long hair community for not making me feel selfish the way my friend did x

Now to a certain extent I can understand this is the medication talking, but OTOH she can't demand this of you. Does she know how important your hair is and how difficult it is to grow curly hair back? This might make a change in how she feels once she grasps that you aren't doing it to be "selfish". If she fails to understand and keeps pressing the issue, I quite doubt she's a real friend.

[embee]

Vega, you did well to refuse.

In my opinion, your friend is terrified and angry and lashing out... like a cat that is wounded can bite or scratch the person who tries to help. Very understandable, very, but not productive in any way.

Gertrude (several pages up-thread) said it quite well - this is her journey, destination unknown. You cannot take it with her nor for her.

There's an old song about that which comes to mind:
"I've got to walk
that lonesome road
I've got to walk it
by myself"

She knows this, and that in itself is terrifying, and mixed with crazy meds, who knows what is running in her mind?

Pity about the wig, what a waste, but you did what was the right thing at the time. Fear and rage - lashing out, and you're in the line of fire. I hope the friendship is not broken forever, though at this point I cannot see how it would be mended.

[chen bao jun]

Getting personal here. Back off. It hurts to lose people but you need to keep yourself safe. Once they get this toxic with jealousy and fear, you are not safe. I hAve a sister. Blood sister, we were like twins. Very close in age. Our parents treated us exactly the same. What one got, the other also got. But life isn't like that. I am 30 years in a happy marriage. She's been divorced times. It's now clear that not only won't we be friends until I get divorced too but that she will stop at nothing to make me miserable, theft of inheritance, attempts to hurt my child, nothing. Give the girl some distance, let her get in touch with you if she wants to at this point. You have made it clear you are there for her and she is making it clear she will use your kindness and guilt to take you down, so protect yourself emotionally , you have no obligation to burn yourself alive on her funeral pyre.

[embee]

Well said, chen bao jun! This is wise thinking.

[pastina]

i'm wondering-- did your friend make this request of anyone else, or just of you?

[AspenSong]

I ditto a lot of points made - but I'm with chen bao jun, backing off may be what needs to be done. I was once in a similar situation to you. The friend I'd had since I was 13, found herself with aggressive breast cancer at 24 years old. She had already dealt with horrible endometreosis that had resulted in a full hysterectomy about two years before. She ended up having a double mastectomy and some heavy, heavy chemo and radiation. There was one time head shaving was brought up, I declined (she was always the friend in our youth who would talk me into cutting my hair and then not cut hers because then it was longer and things like that) and she gave me the cold shoulder. I understood, but I was in the beginning stages of growing my hair out and didn't want to do it. Also, in a way...I didn't see the point. She was living in Washington, me here in Colorado....she wouldn't even see me.

[LiftItNaked]

I've read through most of the posts here and I agree with the majority here. You are NOT being selfish. I think she is the one being selfish. Good for your for telling her you won't be cutting your hair! I can't believe she cut the wig! I agree with a couple of the most recent posts - take a step back. Let her deal with this on her own for a while. I don't think it's normal to ask someone else to alter their body like that.

[Wildcat Diva]

This is about her health, which is in serious jeopardy right now. Hair should be the last thing you are discussing together. You care about her, and she about you. Maybe you could tell her you don't want to waste any more time and energy talking about anyone's hair or lack thereof.
Maybe it's easier for her to get stuck on this hair issue instead of facing mortality.

[vega]

i'm wondering-- did your friend make this request of anyone else, or just of you?
Hi pasting she only requested of me , her reasoning was because she felt closest to me,wildcat I understand hair is the last thing she should be discussing but she is the bringing the topic up constantly and I'm sad she keeps bringing this up , imagine if you were extremely sick would want to talk about your seriousm us health problems or fun pretty things I will let you decide thank you for your support and on your. Kind messages it given me strength and to be a better friend

[~*~Aspen~*~]

Wow that's a tough situation. I think you need to be very honest with your friend. If you don't want to cut your hair perhaps you could commit to wearing it up or wearing headscarves, hats etc. along with your friend to show support.
Best wishes for your friend's full recovery.

Yea, that sounds like the best bet..

[lapushka]

(...) but she is the bringing the topic up constantly and I'm sad she keeps bringing this up , imagine if you were extremely sick would want to talk about your seriousm us health problems or fun pretty things(...)

This to me speaks volumes. Tell her once and for all there's no way you're cutting it with her, and explain why. She should understand if she's truly your friend. It's just hair, yet she is the one making it a big deal by pressuring you into doing something you don't want to do.

[swearnsue]

This to me speaks volumes. Tell her once and for all there's no way you're cutting it with her, and explain why. She should understand if she's truly your friend. It's just hair, yet she is the one making it a big deal by pressuring you into doing something you don't want to do.

I agree with Lapushka.

She doesn't appreciate that the gift of your friendship is so much more valuable than this obsession she has about your hair. I don't see what difference it makes to her what you do with your own body.

[Catatafish]

I agree especially with what Gertrude and chen bao jun said.

I know that with my friends and family, when one of us are going through an especially difficult time, it is somewhat normal to lash out at the people you feel closest too. It doesn't really make sense, but it is normal and accepted to some degree in the people that I know.

This is too much to ask though. It was ok of her to ask, but everything after that has been unacceptable.

Why is she pressuring you to donate to Locks of Love? I don't understand why people just don't have their own hair made into a wig before chemo if they are certain that they are going to lose it, and are very attached to it. I just googled it, and there are several companies that do it. And if people can't afford that option, then donate to a charity that supports that sort of thing. Personally, I would donate to Cancer Research, but for people why are stuck on the cosmetic aspect of cancer.

But really, I think she is extremely angry, and is lashing out at you. You should probably take a step back from this friendship. Let her family know what is going on, and periodically check in on her. Once she has calmed down and apologised (hopefully), be ready with a sympathetic ear rather than a razor.

[mleung]

I'm coming in late to the game, but I just wanted to ditto what everyone else has been saying: your hair, your choice to do whatever you want with it. I also second Catatafish, especially in her advice about taking a step back from this friendship, especially since she's not letting this hair thing go.

There are many other ways that you can still support her that are honestly, more practical than shaving your head in solidarity. Some of these also wouldn't necessarily put you in direct contact with her, which at this point, may be a good thing. I'd reach out to her family & see what kind of care & support she's getting there & offer some of the following if you can:
- run errands, like grocery shopping or taking things to the dry cleaners
- clean the house, do laundry
- bring meals
- babysit for other caretakers so they can do more or get a break from caring for her
- be the gatekeeper in terms of updating others on her condition, organizing & scheduling visits & help for things like the above

I haven't had anyone close to me suffer from cancer, thankfully, but from what I understand, chemo takes a lot out of you & makes doing a lot of the regular day-to-day stuff difficult. If you can take on some of those things, I'm sure it would be a tremendous help. & even if you can't do stuff like this for her without putting yourself in the line of fire about your hair, see if you can help those who are helping her.

Best of luck & I hope your friend does beat the cancer & returns to her wonderful former self.

[allycat]

I haven't read the entire thread, so apologies if anyone posted this already. Vega, your post reminded me of this very good column and excellent advice:

http://www.slate.com/articles/life/dear_prudence/2014/07/dear_prudence_is_shaving_my_head_to_support_my_fri end_with_cancer_weird.html

[vega]

Ok so my friend told me she can learn to deal with my discussion of not doing shave with her, but she is wanting me to get a short bob in respect of her through this tough time,should I consider guys I'm not used to these demands but don't want to loose a friend who is clearly not thinking right would you get a bob in respect for a friend,What do you guys think

[KittyBird]

Nope, still wouldn't do it. I know it has been mentioned several times, but I think wearing a similar wig or putting your hair up and covering it with a matching scarf or hat would be good enough. It's a nice way of showing solidarity and respect. I don't think you should let anyone bully you into doing something you don't want to do.

[Lyv]

I don't think you should cut your hair at all. I know I wouldn't! Your hair is yours and it should look the way you want regardless of what may happen with hers. A haircut for you isn't going to change what is happening with her body and her illness shouldn't dictate YOUR BODY. If anything I would keep it up in a bun so she doesn't have to see it if it bothers her. Hair takes a long time to grow and unless you are 100% cutting your hair to make you happy you shouldn't cut period.

[Dreams_in_Pink]

Don't do it for her. Do it if YOU want to sport a bob. Remember, it takes at least 2 years to go from bob to waist.

Friendship should not count on such material things IMO.

Besides, cutting your hair will not help her get better.

[Elly May]

NO, I absolutely would not do it. She is trying to manipulate you into doing something you do not want to do out of "respect" for her, but respect is a two way street and she is not showing you ANY. She crossed the line after her initial request that you cut your hair and has taken this to extreme lengths that shows NO consideration for your feelings and desires, and NO respect for you. There is nothing morally wrong with you having long hair while she battles cancer. They are two totally unrelated subjects. It is obvious that you do not want to do it, or you would have immediately agreed to her request, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with your feeling this way--the vast majority of us would feel the same way. I really think that if you agree to even a bob, you will immediately regret it and resent her, which is a very reasonable response, and it would do far more damage to your friendship than not cutting your hair will.

It looks to me like you have an incredible head of hair. I hope you keep it. You also seem to be a very kind and caring person and a great friend. I wish I had more people in my life like that. Don't let her or anyone else keep beating you up over this. You are NOT being selfish in any way, shape or form.

Blessings.

[mindwiped]

Don't do it for her. Do it if YOU want to sport a bob. Remember, it takes at least 2 years to go from bob to waist.

Friendship should not count on such material things IMO.

Besides, cutting your hair will not help her get better.

I can't put it any better, so I'll quote it. Only bob your hair if YOU want a bob. Otherwise, don't do it. The fact that she's backed down this much means she realizes she's attempting emotional blackmail, and realized that you weren't gonna let her. Don't let her do it now, or you'll end up bald and upset.

[lapushka]

Ok so my friend told me she can learn to deal with my discussion of not doing shave with her, but she is wanting me to get a short bob in respect of her through this tough time,should I consider guys I'm not used to these demands but don't want to loose a friend who is clearly not thinking right would you get a bob in respect for a friend,What do you guys think

I can't believe you're still considering doing anything with your hair other than growing it further! Honestly. She should stop pestering you about "hair" at all. And do tell her that. Tell her you'll be supporting her through this, but that you won't be cutting your hair. Also tell her *you* felt hurt with her cutting up your present. That should tell her something.

[Gertrude]

To quote Lord Byron, the poet, badly Friendship is Love without His Wings. Friendship is a bond that just is, between two people, as friends. They're not lovers, not married, not parent and child, not siblings. They're friends. A voluntary commitment. The point of your friends is that they're there for you when Mr or Mrs Wonderful leaves you for someone else, who will cheer you up if you fail that test and encourage you to try again. A friend likes her friend whether that friend is in the money or out of it, in good health or not. No friend is ever perfect of course, but true friends try hard to be good friends.

Most of all the point of friendship is that you're there for your friend and stay there with your friend in the bad times to console, and in the good times to celebrate.

Anyone who wants effectively a " payment" to be " your friend" isn't a friend. If you need to sign up for the club she is in, or wear your hair like she wants, or do her maths homework for her or whatever.....at whatever stage of life it is the same. Anyone who is your friend only conditionally just isn't a friend.

[Majorane]

I'm sorry but where is the 'respect' showing in you cutting off your hair? That's respect for... what? The fact that she is sick with an illness so severe, the only possibility to get better is eating a load of poison that will make her feel even sicker for a while is in relation with your hair ....how? Because I don't see much causality here. You being healthy is not disrespecting to her having cancer. It would be disrespecting if you'd curse with cancer (as is the practice here in the Netherlands, and I do feel like punching peeps when I hear that - but I don't). It would be disrespecting if you'd laugh at her baldness, complain about her lack of energy, stuff like that. Your hair has NOTHING to do with her chemo, her cancer, the deck of Cards of Life that dealt her such a bad hand. I would not even cover my hair with a sheitel or a scarf to be honest, because I don't see any reason why my hair would be disrespectful. Okay, maybe I would if a friend asked me, on the grounds that not all things in a friendship have to make sense. But I wouldn't do it out of respect for their illness. I do flaunt my hair less around my dear friend with alopecia, because she once told me she wishes she had hair like mine and hates being half bald, but I don't do that out of respect for her baldness. And I would not cut it to make her feel better. I JUST DON'T GET THAT.

Your hair has nothing to do with her cancer. It did not cause it. It is not offending to cancer patients all around the world. It simply has nothing to do with her. End. Fin. No discussion. Stomp.

Edit: Removed an asterixed word. I have the mouth of a construction worker. Sorry!

[Nightshade]

No, you shouldn't even bob your hair. She needs to understand that her pain is not lessened by your additional misery on her part. There are a thousand useful ways you can help her, and this is not one of them. I understand that she's in pain, on medication, and wants a show of "support", but harping on your friend to do a "Misery loves company" shave/cut is both rude and ungrateful for all the other things you have done for her.

[JustPam]

I'm with everyone here, be firm and make it clear that you are not going to do anything to your hair because it isn't going to help anyone and you don't want to change it, and that if she mentions it again you will just change the subject. And yes let her know that you are up for doing anything that is actually helpful for her during this time but you will not change your appearance just to please someone else, for whatever reason.

[captaincrunch]

I agree she is caught up in her emotions and acting irrationally. She is subconsciously or perhaps consciously pushing you away. Be firm in saying no then give it space and time. Let her go through her emotions.

[Amapola]

I've been reading this thread and it's so weird... since when did people demand other people support them? Since when did someone say, "You have to do X, Y and Z to support me - and if you don't I will never speak to you again!" That is not how support works. Support is a freely given gift of time or energy motivated by love FROM the gifter. The person in distress has no right to DEMAND that someone else obey their will OR ELSE. That is not support. That is tyranny. That is not love or friendship. That is blackmail, plain and simple, and there is a very good reason that blackmail is considered a crime.

Just remember: Consent, consent, consent. If someone does not consent to something willingly, no one has any right to coerce, threaten or force them to do it. That is basically why rape is a crime...

[lapushka]

I've been reading this thread and it's so weird... since when did people demand other people support them? Since when did someone say, "You have to do X, Y and Z to support me - and if you don't I will never speak to you again!" That is not how support works. Support is a freely given gift of time or energy motivated by love FROM the gifter. The person in distress has no right to DEMAND that someone else obey their will OR ELSE. That is not support. That is tyranny. That is not love or friendship. That is blackmail, plain and simple, and there is a very good reason that blackmail is considered a crime.

Just remember: Consent, consent, consent. If someone does not consent to something willingly, no one has any right to coerce, threaten or force them to do it. That is basically why rape is a crime...

Well said! :)

[winship2]

You poor, lovely thing. I am so sorry that with all the love and support and loyalty and generosity you've shown you're being caused to doubt whether you've done enough. Please do not bob your hair-- unless, as others have said, it's what you want. Your friend is being irrational, for whatever reason. I'm almost more concerned that she's moved from "accepting" you not shaving to wanting you to bob. It's just a different way of pushing the same agenda, and since it might seem more "reasonable" it might be more effective in persuading you to end up doing the same thing-- essentially brutalizing your body in a way that's analogous to how she must feel about the assault of the cancer on her own body.

Please hear us all when we say that you are being everything a friend could be, and don't doubt that in yourself. You're doing the right thing, and stay strong. Care for yourself as well as your friend, OK?

[ghost]

I just read through this whole thread, and wow. I'm so sorry to hear of your friend's illness. You must both be so frightened. If, like you said, these kind of demands/this type of attitude is out of character for her, hopefully she's either just lashing out against something immediately troubling her (losing her hair) or it's a side effect of whatever meds she's on and could change in time.
Either way, I have two words for you: bodily autonomy. Your body, and every last little cell making it up, is yours and yours alone. If your friend needed a kidney, and you had a match but didn't want to donate a kidney, you wouldn't be obligated to. You're for sure under no obligation to cut off your hair. All you can do is let her know that you love and support her, but you're not comfortable with that particular request and won't be cutting your hair.

[vega]

Hi guys Since you have been so supportive I though I would give you all an update , I stuck with with my wishes and didn't shave or get a bob for my friend going through chemo ,she's not so happy I didnt what she requested but I said to her I'm her friend and this is how I am, I let her know she has other important things to discuss and do with her time then loathe other peoples hair, I will do all I can to get her through her cancer battle, thank you again lhc for not making me sound like the selfish and been mine true friend x

[lapushka]

Hi guys Since you have been so supportive I though I would give you all an update , I stuck with with my wishes and didn't shave or get a bob for my friend going through chemo ,she's not so happy I didnt what she requested but I said to her I'm her friend and this is how I am, I let her know she has other important things to discuss and do with her time then loathe other peoples hair, I will do all I can to get her through her cancer battle, thank you again lhc for not making me sound like the selfish and been mine true friend x

You're not selfish, don't doubt that for a second. :flower:

[vega]

You're not selfish, don't doubt that for a second. :flower:
Thank you Lapushka that's so kind of you :o

[Platzhalter]

Deciding what to do or not to do with your body is never selfish - it's your body. Always remember that.

[Anje]

Hi guys Since you have been so supportive I though I would give you all an update , I stuck with with my wishes and didn't shave or get a bob for my friend going through chemo ,she's not so happy I didnt what she requested but I said to her I'm her friend and this is how I am, I let her know she has other important things to discuss and do with her time then loathe other peoples hair, I will do all I can to get her through her cancer battle, thank you again lhc for not making me sound like the selfish and been mine true friend x

She won't be happy, but I think you're doing the right thing. Hopefully in the not-distant future she'll come to her senses and realize that her demands were out of line and will even be glad that you didn't give in to them. (If she did come to her senses and you had cut your hair off, she might be horrified at what she had made you do!)

Just be her friend, even though she's being difficult. Consider covering your hair or at least wearing it up in her presence, so it's not like you're flaunting it at her, but otherwise don't give in to this. You're a lovely person and it shows so much that you really care about her in that you're even considering doing these things for the sake of the friendship. However, hair cutting out of solidarity is ONLY meaningful if is your choice to do so, not if it's demanded of you. Your friendship and support through this are worth so much more than a one-time gesture.

[winship2]

Sounds like you handled this beautifully!

[anastasiashea]

Hi guys Since you have been so supportive I though I would give you all an update , I stuck with with my wishes and didn't shave or get a bob for my friend going through chemo ,she's not so happy I didnt what she requested but I said to her I'm her friend and this is how I am, I let her know she has other important things to discuss and do with her time then loathe other peoples hair, I will do all I can to get her through her cancer battle, thank you again lhc for not making me sound like the selfish and been mine true friend x

I'm so happy you kept your hair like you wanted. It sounds like she didn't have quite as strong a reaction as you feared, which is awesome! Let her be mad for a while if she wants to be, she may be redirecting her personal pain onto you. However, I don't want you to think it's okay for her to take her frustrations out on you. There's a big difference between choosing your battles and getting walked all over. It's okay to let her selfish behavior go for a while, but when she's emotionally stable again, you can give her the tough-love-kick-in-the-butt attitude that only a true friend can give and let her know it's not okay to guilt and manipulate you this way.

Congratulations on standing up for yourself! That takes a lot of strength of character.

[LauraLongLocks]

vega, some how I missed this thread, but I have to say I agree with all the posters who said not to shave or get a bob.

You may know that I had a stillbirth just over a month ago. Some of my friends have since announced their pregnancies, or births of new babies. I am genuinely happy for them, though I'm not much into holding other people's babies (never have been). It would be inappropriate and rude if I told my friends not to post about their babies, not to share pictures, not to post about their pregnancies. It would be selfish of me to try to curb their happiness. What your friend is asking is very self-centered, though I can't imagine how terrifying it would be to have such a diagnosis. I would stand by your decision, and forgive your friend for her selfishness. If she turns away, that is her choice, but you have done nothing wrong.

[wilderwein]

You are not selfish! I wish your friend the best and I feel very sad for her situation, but asking something like that it is also selfish! I know many people will think its just hair but every person is different! It's like asking from my friends to break up with their bf becouse mine break up with me.... you should explain her that for her cutting her hair its actually (maybe) make her feel better becouse she fights for something! something that may change for better, but you will just feel bad with your self till your hair grows back... i really admire people who shave their heads for supporting other people but its not something you should demand from anyone!

[lunalocks]

Vega, what a very difficult position for your "friend" to put you in.

I am imagining that she read, somewhere, about a friend who did this in solidarity with her friend who had cancer. Perhaps, to her, it is the ultimate gesture of support.

When I was pregnant, I had to give up coffee, tea, alcohol and chocolate. My Dh didn't drink coffee or tea or alcohol, but he is a chocoholic and since I had to give up so many things, he gave up chocolate. He did this willingly. I did not make this request. I did not tell my friends they could not drink any of the above around me or give them up. It is one thing to make a gesture of support when you want to. But it is not something that can be forced.

I am sorry for your friend and I am sorry that she cannot see the supportive deeds you are doing for her. I would suggest that you request she refrain from bringing up the subject and let her know what supportive ways you can be for her. Even if met with negativity, please continue to offer help and support to your friend. You could even buy a wig that is in a short bob and wear it with your friend if that will make her feel better (tho I think that is a little weird. But what is not so weird is to get 2 totally outrageous wigs and wear them together. That would be fun).

As to her cutting the beautiful wig you gave her into a bob - please remember that once the gift leaves our hands it is no longer ours. Some choose to give away that gift, or change it, or hide it. It is hers now. Let it go, and know that she is happy with the way it is now.

[swearnsue]

vega, some how I missed this thread, but I have to say I agree with all the posters who said not to shave or get a bob.

You may know that I had a stillbirth just over a month ago. Some of my friends have since announced their pregnancies, or births of new babies. I am genuinely happy for them, though I'm not much into holding other people's babies (never have been). It would be inappropriate and rude if I told my friends not to post about their babies, not to share pictures, not to post about their pregnancies. It would be selfish of me to try to curb their happiness. What your friend is asking is very self-centered, though I can't imagine how terrifying it would be to have such a diagnosis. I would stand by your decision, and forgive your friend for her selfishness. If she turns away, that is her choice, but you have done nothing wrong.

I'm sorry LauraLongLocks.

[LauraLongLocks]

I'm sorry LauraLongLocks.

Thank you. I was merely using my recent experience as an example to illustrate my point. I wasn't trying to garner sympathy, but I appreciate your condolences, nonetheless. :blossom:

[JadedByEntropy]

That's co-dependency, your friend knows how much you love your hair. I would NOT do it.

agreed. add jealousy. I know she's suffering but causing you to 'suffer' with her isn't being nice, its actually mean, even if she doesn't see it that way. Its a popular thing to do around here, but its just weird co-dependence.

[vega]

Hi Laura lnglcks just saw your post a big hug from me

[vega]

So a few weeks have past my friend is doing intense treatment fighting her cancer , I'm there for her Ive been visiting her 3 to 4 times a week ,when I visit I just place my hair in a bun, you guys really helped me through this , and thank you ,she said to me today she can learn to deal with my decision on not cutting , imnjust been positive for her as she has a much bigger fight on her hands

[lapushka]

The farther along she gets in her treatment, the less she will care about the hair, like you said, she has a bigger hill to climb. I hope she does well with the treatment. Good on you for being there for her! That's what's most important, after all.

[LauraLongLocks]

Hi Laura lnglcks just saw your post a big hug from me

Hugs back...