Dying my hair and negative, complicated feelings...

[lilin]

So I've been through a bit of a hair journey lately.

My most recent posts were about my damaged underlayer. Mostly due to bad knots from messy buns, which I then ripped through rather aggressively -- for years. The vast majority of it was just wrecked. It still looks ok because my top layers were in better shape. But the bottom half was damaged almost all the way up, and trimming it was no good. It was split again 2 or 3 days later.

I considered my options: basically constant trimming for a year or two to maintain length, or a big chop.

As I considered the chop, that felt right to me. I've done big chops before, and always for emotional reasons. This is no different.

I'm moving to the UK in 2 weeks and starting a new life. Hair is like the rings within a tree. It remembers everything you've been through, for the time it's been on your head.

My hair remembers my father dying. It remembers months of illness as I struggled with grief and related health problems and nutritional deficiency from the same. My hair remembers the most painful experience of my life, and I've had more than a few.

I don't want to take this with me into my new life. I think my dad would agree.

So I decided I was going to go drastic: I was going to do a full shave. I've done near-pixie before, but never this. It's something I've always wanted to do just once in my life, and now was the time. I'm starting over.

I'm going to do it the day I leave, and since my hair is just awaiting its chop, I decided I would do one other thing I've always wanted to do: dye it crazy colors. I never did it before because I knew that it would wreck my hair. But I don't plan to hold on to this hair, so why not?

I'm dark-haired, so to get crazy colors, I had to bleach it. My hair put up a fight. It took 40 minutes with 20 vol developer to get it light enough to take color decently well.

And the moment I got into the shower to rinse it out, I was instantly filled with sorrow.

It felt terrible. Just atrocious. Like dried spindles of fiber from some long-dead plant. I almost cried, as I felt my hair.

When I got out, I noticed something else. It was 2 inches shorter. The bleach had literally melted the ends of my hair off. I was horrified.

I've never reacted this way to a chop. It wasn't the change in color or the loss of length that bothered me. It was the damage. The harm that I did to my hair.

I'm not hurting anything by cutting it. I'm just taking it off. But actually damaging it... for some reason that feels so much worse.

I don't know why. I know hair is dead. I know I'm not hurting anything that has any real impact on my health.

But it felt like I was. I think I have beautiful natural hair. To cut it shorter doesn't really change that. But this does.

I thought maybe I'd feel better once I got the color on top of it.

It didn't go all that well. My hair didn't lighten evenly, so it didn't color evenly either. But even if it had, I want my natural color back. This just looks wrong, to me. I think any color would have looked wrong. It doesn't feel like me.

To be honest, it's a bit of a hack job. I wasn't about to spend hundreds of dollars on something I was only going to have for a couple weeks, and as you might expect, the home job me and my friend did just didn't turn out wonderfully. I knew that was a risk going into it.

But that isn't really what bugs me.

It's how ruined my hair feels. How fragile and dry and damaged it is when I touch it. The way it's snapping off whenever even a slight amount of pressure is applied to it. The way it literally melted my ends.

It's how terrible the chemicals felt to me. The way they burned my eyes and throat, and I can't get the stench of them off me.

No chop has ever bothered me like this. I don't think my upcoming chop will either. But for whatever reason -- and I still haven't fully examined why it is -- this was just devastating to me. I'm devastated whenever I look in the mirror.

My hair is bright and colorful. Sure, it's not the best job in the world, but it's fun. It's what I wanted.

And I hate it. I hated it instantly.

To me at least, it's one thing to cut my hair, and it's another to harm it.

Perhaps this is tied up in my grief. My father used to tell me I had my mother's beautiful hair. He was always telling me to be gentler on it. Maybe I'm still reeling from that. I don't know.

But I do know I hate this.

I still want to do my chop. If anything, I want to do it even more now. I think that will be cathartic for me.

And in a way, I don't regret this experience. It's been an interesting and perhaps valuable emotional experience for me, and it gives me some food for thought about the way I connect to my body.

But I am never doing this again.

Once I'm shorn, I'm taking care of my hair how it should be. And that was always the point. To start fresh, without having to struggle through years worth of damage. To start fresh in my new life being better and happier than I have been, with fresh rings on a new tree of my life.

And I want to do it all the more now that the pretty hair I took for granted is wrecked.

I feel no connection to this fun, candy-colored rainbow on my head. It's neat, but it doesn't feel like my hair. I suppose it isn't, in a lot of ways. It may as well be a wig, to me.

Just my experience, for whatever it's worth. I'm curious if anyone has felt this way before.

[leilani]

I'm so sorry for your loss, such a long, hard road to grieve for a parent.
Best of luck in the UK.

[anastasiashea]

It's just another stage of grieving. It's mourning the loss of something you didn't even know you were holding onto. Feel whatever you feel and cry cathartic tears if emotion overcomes you. Grieve, and feel, then move on when you're ready. Your hair has been through everything with you, and it's only natural you would mourn its damage or loss. Be weak for as long as you need, as long as you come out stronger in the end. Much love to you. <3

[lilin]

Thank you guys. :)

It may be more connected to my grief than I realize. It's hard to say right now -- I literally just dyed it a few hours ago. And I hate it so much already!

I have never dyed my hair before, so I don't know if this is how I'd feel regardless. But I do know I've felt good after big chops before, if it was the right time. I don't know if I'll feel good after this one.

I feel like I've done something terrible to myself. I can imagine myself getting emotional during the chop. But I'd like to let it go.

[anastasiashea]

Thank you guys. :)

It may be more connected to my grief than I realize. It's hard to say right now -- I literally just dyed it a few hours ago. And I hate it so much already!

I have never dyed my hair before, so I don't know if this is how I'd feel regardless. But I do know I've felt good after big chops before, if it was the right time. I don't know if I'll feel good after this one.

I feel like I've done something terrible to myself. I can imagine myself getting emotional during the chop. But I'd like to let it go.

I think that just the fact that you brought up in the OP that it might be connected to grief shows that it may be a stronger connection than you think. The language you use to describe your hair is beautiful and sad. Hair is a long-term project and holds many meanings for many people. You have your mother's beautiful hair and your father would have mourned the destruction of it, so you're doing the same.

You haven't done something terrible to yourself though! You have tried something new, and maybe the whole thing was an experiment in grief without you even realizing it.

[Federica]

So sorry for you...
I've had a similar situation in the past: I was at classic when my mother (God bless her) got cancer and died after a couple of years of struggling, and after her death I was totally devastated and I took the insane decision to bleach my black hair and get a bright traffic red.
I did it at a salon, but nonetheless it turned out awful. My hair started to break all over and I had to chop it to a layered BSL cut.
I hated it. I hated the feeling of dead hair, the length and the layers with all myself, and this made my depression and grief really worse, because my mother always loved my natural hair and teached me how to take care of it.
Almost six years have passed, and now my hair is back to its former splendor, just shorter, but I'm working on it.
The good thing about hair is that it grows back.
And grief never really goes away, but it becomes really more manageable with time.
It's like you could never fill the hole in your heart, but you learn how to live with it and how to not fall in it everytime.

You'll go through this.

[lapushka]

This is never going to stop unless you truly want to grow it out - bare with me. I once went crazy with color and bleach and henna and all sorts of things allatonce. I wanted it all *now*, and that damaged my hair. It could never grow long under those circumstances and I just was blind to it all, refused to see it. If you really want it to grow, stop what you're doing to it, and don't even shave it short. What's that going to bring you? A huge set-back on top of the damage you've already done. Anyway, that's the way I see it.

I'm very sorry for what happened. :flower:

[kganihanova]

This is never going to stop unless you truly want to grow it out - bare with me. I once went crazy with color and bleach and henna and all sorts of things allatonce. I wanted it all *now*, and that damaged my hair. It could never grow long under those circumstances and I just was blind to it all, refused to see it. If you really want it to grow, stop what you're doing to it, and don't even shave it short. What's that going to bring you? A huge set-back on top of the damage you've already done. Anyway, that's the way I see it.

I'm very sorry for what happened. :flower:

She has damage. Its coming off either slowly or quickly. Either way its coming off, especially after the bleach thing.

[Eastbound&Down]

Shaving is very brave of you and I think you have a good point in your OP. It would be a new start for you and a good chance for you to focus on more important things for a time. Whatever your decision is, just know you have support here :)

[LauraLongLocks]

Going for a drastic cut like this can be therapeutic. You can leave all the junk behind when you cut off your hair. Best of luck to you after your move. Wishing you peace.

[GetMeToWaist]

I think shaving will be a good fresh start for you, and a project. Make sure to buy lots of woolly hats/beanies as it's freeeeezing in the UK right now! Good luck for the move. You never know, growing out a new head of hair may be exciting. Its certainly something I would love to do but would never have the guts to. :blossom: xx

[chen bao jun]

Yes, I have felt like this.
I felt like this when I straightened my hair. the first time, my mom decided to do it. I was seven years old. We had just moved into a new neighborhood and it was horrible. My mother and father both were fighting all of their extended families so we were alone. the kids in school were mean and bullied me terribly and beat me up, which was a new and horrible experience. I had a new little brother, which is not a disaster but it felt like one, since everyone was saying how nice it was that my father 'finally' had a boy as if me and my sister were nothing. Then my mother decided my hair was horrible trouble and decided it was going to be straightened. In those days, they did it with a 'hot comb', a heated iron comb. My mother had used to spend hours playing in my curls and forming them by twirling them around her finger with a brush and some water when life was good, at the old house, before the little brother. In the new house, she started rushing, dragging a fine tooth comb through my hair from the top and shouting at me when I cired because it tangled and hurt and the comb broke. My father argued and argued with her and said I had beautiful hair and I cried and cried, but she had it straightened anyway, which was actually rare in those days for little girls as young as seven years old. I remember how my hair felt when it was straightened. it felt dead and greasy and limp and not like any hair, much less like 'my' hair. The woman who was using the hotcomb burned off all the hair that was underneath the top layer. I have very thick and the top covered up the damage but that hair was gone and the rest was fried and awful. My mother kept telling me how 'pretty' my hair looked but I remember thinking that I had pretty hair before and I didn't now. It was horrible. She did stop the hot combing when she saw the burnt off hair--temporarily. but then my hair grew back and she said, oh, your hair can take anything, it will grow back and years of total abuse of my hair followed.
that was the first time. the second time I did it myself. I had natural hair. this was back in 1976. I went to the beach with my sister and a friend. they were very skinny and had on bikinis. I could never wear a bikini. I am too chesty. I thought of it as fat. So I already felt horrible and as if I were being ignored by the boys that were talking to them. then, after we got out of the ocean, they washed their permed hair and put it up. I washed my natural hair, which was quite short from years of abuse-by-afro (another story) adn when we went out again got no attention from the young men in the area,w hile they got a lot. So I decided to get a 'perm' (relaxer) too. they were just getting popular at that time. So I went in and had them put lye on my head and my scalp burned and scabbed and my hair again felt horrible. the straightened, burned, dead feeling. But this time I kept it for years, since everyone around me, except my father said, Oh, your hair is 'presentable' now, it looks nice. My father said, I wish you would wear your natural hair, it's so beautiful.
But I had no idea how to do that anymore.
Anyway, that was very long, but yes I do what it feels like when the hair coming out of your head feels dreadful and looks awful to you and yes, I agree that that alone can make you feel horrible even if you don't have things to grieve, like death.
You just don't don't feel like you, and this alien stuff is growing out of your scalp and you can't get your own hair back.
I do think shaving your head will be cathartic and now you know never to do this again, unlike me, who did it to myself the second time, even though I hated the first t ime so much.

[lilin]

This is never going to stop unless you truly want to grow it out - bare with me. I once went crazy with color and bleach and henna and all sorts of things allatonce. I wanted it all *now*, and that damaged my hair. It could never grow long under those circumstances and I just was blind to it all, refused to see it. If you really want it to grow, stop what you're doing to it, and don't even shave it short. What's that going to bring you? A huge set-back on top of the damage you've already done. Anyway, that's the way I see it.

I'm very sorry for what happened. :flower:

Well, the whole reason for dying it (which I have never done before) was because I had planned to shave it. It's something that's been on my bucket list for a very long time. I'm not growing right now.

Right now, I'm not accountable to anyone's expectation of feminine appearance, and it feels like the right thing to do -- still. I have done massive chops before.

I just didn't realize dying would feel so different from cutting. But it does. To me, cutting is just starting over, cleaning house -- which I want to do. Dying feels like... setting fire to myself. Destroying, rather than cleaning house.

In a way, I'm glad I had the experience. But I am even more set on cutting it all off now.

[lilin]

I think shaving will be a good fresh start for you, and a project. Make sure to buy lots of woolly hats/beanies as it's freeeeezing in the UK right now! Good luck for the move. You never know, growing out a new head of hair may be exciting. Its certainly something I would love to do but would never have the guts to. :blossom: xx

It'll feel like a day at the beach to me! I'm moving from Minnesota, where it's currently 17 F (about -8 C). London, which is where I'm going, is almost 50 F right now (10 C). Pfft, that's nothing. :D

But I do plan to invest in some nice wraps. I'll be a badass gypsy punk for a few months.

Thanks so much. I think so too. I really wasn't expecting my feelings towards dying to be so negative, but I am sort of glad I did it. It's an experience that's making me look harder at how I'm processing everything right now.

[lilin]

Going for a drastic cut like this can be therapeutic. You can leave all the junk behind when you cut off your hair. Best of luck to you after your move. Wishing you peace.

Thank you. :) That's the hope.

I think some part of me will probably grieve my hair. I grieve every little thing that is somehow tied to my recent past, no matter how indirect or insignificant the connection.

But I think it's important to do those things, in whatever way makes sense.

I'm in a place, practically speaking, where I can do this. So it feels right to do.

[lilin]

Yes, I have felt like this.
I felt like this when I straightened my hair. the first time, my mom decided to do it. I was seven years old. We had just moved into a new neighborhood and it was horrible. My mother and father both were fighting all of their extended families so we were alone. the kids in school were mean and bullied me terribly and beat me up, which was a new and horrible experience. I had a new little brother, which is not a disaster but it felt like one, since everyone was saying how nice it was that my father 'finally' had a boy as if me and my sister were nothing. Then my mother decided my hair was horrible trouble and decided it was going to be straightened. In those days, they did it with a 'hot comb', a heated iron comb. My mother had used to spend hours playing in my curls and forming them by twirling them around her finger with a brush and some water when life was good, at the old house, before the little brother. In the new house, she started rushing, dragging a fine tooth comb through my hair from the top and shouting at me when I cired because it tangled and hurt and the comb broke. My father argued and argued with her and said I had beautiful hair and I cried and cried, but she had it straightened anyway, which was actually rare in those days for little girls as young as seven years old. I remember how my hair felt when it was straightened. it felt dead and greasy and limp and not like any hair, much less like 'my' hair. The woman who was using the hotcomb burned off all the hair that was underneath the top layer. I have very thick and the top covered up the damage but that hair was gone and the rest was fried and awful. My mother kept telling me how 'pretty' my hair looked but I remember thinking that I had pretty hair before and I didn't now. It was horrible. She did stop the hot combing when she saw the burnt off hair--temporarily. but then my hair grew back and she said, oh, your hair can take anything, it will grow back and years of total abuse of my hair followed.
that was the first time. the second time I did it myself. I had natural hair. this was back in 1976. I went to the beach with my sister and a friend. they were very skinny and had on bikinis. I could never wear a bikini. I am too chesty. I thought of it as fat. So I already felt horrible and as if I were being ignored by the boys that were talking to them. then, after we got out of the ocean, they washed their permed hair and put it up. I washed my natural hair, which was quite short from years of abuse-by-afro (another story) adn when we went out again got no attention from the young men in the area,w hile they got a lot. So I decided to get a 'perm' (relaxer) too. they were just getting popular at that time. So I went in and had them put lye on my head and my scalp burned and scabbed and my hair again felt horrible. the straightened, burned, dead feeling. But this time I kept it for years, since everyone around me, except my father said, Oh, your hair is 'presentable' now, it looks nice. My father said, I wish you would wear your natural hair, it's so beautiful.
But I had no idea how to do that anymore.
Anyway, that was very long, but yes I do what it feels like when the hair coming out of your head feels dreadful and looks awful to you and yes, I agree that that alone can make you feel horrible even if you don't have things to grieve, like death.
You just don't don't feel like you, and this alien stuff is growing out of your scalp and you can't get your own hair back.
I do think shaving your head will be cathartic and now you know never to do this again, unlike me, who did it to myself the second time, even though I hated the first t ime so much.

Wow. Thank you so much for your story. My mother wasn't particularly kind to my hair, and she too had an obsession with straight (fortunately she only insisted on this for pictures and that was do-able without totally destroying it, so my hair wasn't too damaged as a kid). I used to literally run from her when she wanted to do my hair. But I certainly haven't gone through that. At least I can say I did it myself -- ill-fated or not.

Thank you. :) And no, I will definitely never do this again. God, just the smell of it is enough to put me off forever.

[Chocowalnut]

I am so scared of having to deal with loss some day, even though I know it is inevitable. I am very sorry for your loss. As for your hair, yes damaged hair is a terrible feeling, but that will grow back :blossom:

[MsPharaohMoan]

You are a lovely writer: 'my hair remembers my father's death'. Reading that was profound and beautiful. I too imagine the shaving experience to be incredibly cathartic and hope you will start a thread when the time comes so we can marvel at the changes you've gone through. Sending good vibrations...

[lilin]

You are a lovely writer: 'my hair remembers my father's death'. Reading that was profound and beautiful. I too imagine the shaving experience to be incredibly cathartic and hope you will start a thread when the time comes so we can marvel at the changes you've gone through. Sending good vibrations...

Thank you. I'm glad it spoke to you. You know, in thinking about it, I have often thought of hair in tree imagery. I don't know why that is, but I remember thinking of my first gray the same way.

I will post about it, I'm sure. :)

[ClassicAim]

I completely understand what you mean. I had a similar feeling following my one and only relaxer. It too basically melted a whole lot of my hair off. I recently (well, almost a year ago) dip dyed my ends and felt the horrible straw like feeling, and I found the best way to help this is to do a protein treatment. After a few treatments your dyed hair starts to feel more normal.
I am very sorry for your loss.

[spidermom]

Do what seems right to you, of course. I have the feeling that you're expecting more from this head shave than it's going to give you because of course it isn't your hair that remembers your father's death, it's your brain, and your brain will still be exactly like it is.