Advice needed on appeasing my mother.

[Eastbound&Down]

My mom has been on me a lot recently to get a haircut and highlights and dye.... I don't want to do any of that.. but maybe if a dye it and baby it afterwards it will be ok.. I don't know :(

What do you guys think?

My goal was to grow out and have my natural color finally and I know for sure I definitely not cutting it again..

[pearlsandpinups]

My mom has been on me a lot recently to get a haircut and highlights and dye.... I don't want to do any of that.. but maybe if a dye it and baby it afterwards it will be ok.. I don't know :(

What do you guys think?

My goal was to grow out and have my natural color finally and I know for sure I definitely not cutting it again..


My advice is that it's your hair and I wouldn't let anyone else pressure you or make you feel obligated to do something with your hair that you don't want to do. - Not even your own mother. It's not her head of hair and it's not really her business, I don't think! :)

[Nightshade]

My advice is that it's your hair and I wouldn't let anyone else pressure you or make you feel obligated to do something with your hair that you don't want to do. - Not even your own mother. It's not her head of hair and it's not really her business, I don't think! :)

I agree. It's your hair and judging by your picture you're more than old enough to have juristiction over it.

If she's being insistent, perhaps as for a deep conditioning treatment instead, so she feels like you're "doing something."

[Majorane]

I don't get why your hair would be something your mum has any say in. Especially since she wants you to dye and highlight it. Pray, why does she request such a thing?

My mom helped my brother bleach his hair Saiyan-white on multiple occasions and hennaed me regulairly when requested (even dropped everything when I called her a year back in a panic when I was ombreing my hair and I did it crooked, and came to the rescue). Now she's asking advice on how to grow out her grays and how to be more hair friendly in general. I have never had to deal with unreasonable hair requests from parents, that must be frustrating for you :(

[Puffer Fish]

My mother badgers me until I get my hair cut short, then is confused about why I cut it so short, every single time.
It's silly, isn't it? Every time she asks about it, tell her that's not what you want to do with it. Maybe eventually she'll get the hint that her suggestions are unwanted and unnecessary.

[Eastbound&Down]

She thinks it will help me feel better about myself because I just had a baby and can't fit into my clothes kinda been feeling down, so her thinking is a haircut will make me feel better. I've told her multiple times I don't want to cut it but she keeps bringing it up. The more she brings it up the more I think, does my hair look bad?? She has a pixie and wants me to get one too but I've been there, done that, don't want to do it again. Just wearing down on me the more she brings it up.

[kaydana]

Do you tell her you don't want to cut it, or do you tell her that you like your hair the length/colour it is? "I don't want to cut it" can register as "I can't be bothered to do anything with it" to some people, whereas saying something like "I really like my hair this length/colour, it makes me feel pretty" removes it as a possible contender for something you can change about your appearance to make you feel better.

[FallingDarkness]

Dude, I can TOTALLY relate.
My mom is the same way. It's all "Your hair is getting too long" "Your ends are too frazzled you need to get a trim" "Did you wash your hair today? No? Oh okay good because if you did I was going to say that you need a new shampoo. You should wash your hair more often."
Um, thanks Mom, but I know what I'm doing. My hair is healthier than yours and because it's up all the time WHO CARES HOW OFTEN I WASH IT?

Try to find a compromise maybe, if her opinion really matters to you. And if it doesn't, then grow your hair out the way you want to. That's your goal after all, right?

[Nightshade]

She thinks it will help me feel better about myself because I just had a baby and can't fit into my clothes kinda been feeling down, so her thinking is a haircut will make me feel better. I've told her multiple times I don't want to cut it but she keeps bringing it up. The more she brings it up the more I think, does my hair look bad?? She has a pixie and wants me to get one too but I've been there, done that, don't want to do it again. Just wearing down on me the more she brings it up.

If she thinks you need a bit of a pick me up, what if you suggested you might find a manicure or a pedicure to be just as uplifting? :)

[Nadine <3]

I think if you're old enough to have a baby, you're also old enough to decide what you do with your hair. Don't do anything to your hair to make someone else happy. It is your hair and it's going to be on your head. Do what you want with it.

[minaa]

It might be worth sitting her down when she's not thinking about it specifically, and say how it bothers you, and you feel that she isn't listening to your wishes. Doing that has given me great results with my parents when they have been insistent on something that is well meaning but not quite helpful. I have a very close relationship with both parents, and so I understand the frustration of pressure from their commentary.

[lunalocks]

I am 58 and my mom STILL tries to tell me what to do to my hair - cut, curl and dye to cover up the gray. I just smile and shake my head.

[ArienEllariel]

People are always going to want you to conform to their image of "you". Be yourself. Don't let them change you.

[Robot Ninja]

Tell your you're happy with your hair and don't want to change it, end of conversation. If she brings it up again, tell her again, and again and again until she stops badgering you.

Your hair doesn't look bad, it just doesn't look the way she thinks it should look. It isn't her hair though, so she doesn't get a say.

[Eastbound&Down]

I am very close with my mom and I know she means well, especially with me being halfway across the country, but she can be persistant.

[ooglipoo]

Wow, half way across the country away, and your Mom's getting you to consider it? You love her a bunch, clearly. http://smiley.nowdararpour.ir/other1/94.gif I love my Mama, too, and her words have the ability to absolutely crush me if I mis-interpret them.

And you know she's really trying to get you to pamper yourself after the exhausting experience of having the wee one. She probably means nothing even remotely close to "EastboundandDown, your hair looks atrocious, and you'd better fry it even further for the general public to be able to tell the difference between your hair and the hair of Bigfoot."

Just tell her you've joined a club of loveable though hairy freaks http://smiley.nowdararpour.ir/other5/10.gif and you've signed a pact to neither color nor cut your locks until the end of the *next* Aztec calendar. Surely she'll understand? http://smiley.nowdararpour.ir/other1/27.gif

Or think of something that'd make you feel shiny and new, like Nightshade suggested, perhaps a manicure or a new pair of boots or even a small piece of jewelry, like a mother's ring/charm that has the babe's birthstone in it... and ask her for that.

And don't fret about your body! You can't get back into your clothes, and that's pretty normal. Get a couple of slouchy sweaters and some leggings, make a couple of adjustments, because your comfort is what's important. And really, babies and kids love a Mommy with squish. My heart grew three sizes once when my girl who was about 3 at the time told me, as she laid her head on my belly "Mommy, I wuv your tummy so much! It's like a pillow just for me!" and really, it is! Your body's just doing what it finds normal, having a bit of extra fat stored would help you make extra-rich milk if you're breastfeeding.

[Mimha]

Mothers can be so pushy when they think "it's for your good", lol.

Personally, I would be very clear once for all, and say something like "listen Mom, I know you want to help me feel better and I appreciate it. But in that case, it doesn't help ! It's just make me feel upset. I like my hair the way it is, do you understand ? It's MY hair, OK ? And I DON'T want to cut it, dye it or whatever. If you want to be really supportive with me, please try to accept me the way I am... not the way YOU would like me to be. So please do not raise the issue again."

:spam:

I had so many issues like this one with my mother, these two last years !... I was very low and she tried to cheer me up by being more and more pushy and even by doing herself things that I was supposed to do myself. This interference in my life did not help me at all ! Mothers must not substitute to their children. It deprives them from their autonomy and makes them feel more and more inadequate, doubtful about themselves and miserable. Hopefully my mother is an intelligent person and our relationship has improved quite a bit ever since. :)

[minaa]

It's also hard for her if she's far away. She's probably feeling like she wants to be of more help, but can't, so she's giving whatever help she thinks is useful. And, as a mom, she's seeing HER baby upset and stressed. It's a vicious cycle, momming. :P

I think it'd be fair to set her aside and tell her how her words are making you feel, and you want her to stop talking about your hair. Being close with someone means you should have the ability to do that and not feel like you will ruin anything, as a result. Also, offer other suggestions, as LHC members have thoughtfully mentioned. Ask her to fly out and help soon, or maybe send a care package, or buy some hair toys that you love (so she can see what you're thinking of doing with it). She'll feel like she's helpful, and your boundaries are respected. Communication is the best policy :)

[Eastbound&Down]

Yeah I know, and thank you all for your responses. I just got frustrated and needed to get some advice from people who understand, everyone else just shrugs and says to cut it..

[pixldust]

Just think, if you did cut it or dye it or whatever, purely to make your mum happy, how fed up would you feel afterwards when your hair is totally different to how YOU want it? Your mum needs to understand that changing your hair would not cheer you up, it would probably just stress you out.
It's hard when you're so close to someone, and you don't want them to worry about you. Your mum thinks she's giving you good advice, bless her. Hopefully you can have a gentle discussion with her and point out that her idea of what your hair should look like is not how you want your hair to look. I hope it works out for you.

[pearlsandpinups]

Yeah I know, and thank you all for your responses. I just got frustrated and needed to get some advice from people who understand, everyone else just shrugs and says to cut it..

I know how you feel. My mom lives about 2 hours away from me, and when me and my husband go visit my parents it seems my mom is always going to bring up some form of "advice" that to me feels much more like criticism. I'm sure it comes from a good place but it drives me nuts. For a while it's been my weight, she thinks I'm "entirely too thin, it's so unhealthy!" despite the fact that I'm really not underweight at ALL. - I'm a very healthy weight! I try not to let it get to me though I admit it does sometimes, and I never let what she says sway me to do anything that I would be unhappy with.

Hair takes a lot of time and love to grow long and beautiful, don't cut it unless it's what YOU want. Believe me, I cut my hair earlier this year and miss it soo much!

[Carolyn]

I think your mom is part of a segment of the female population who loves going to a salon for a cut and color as it's a pick-me-up thing. She probably thinks it would be a real treat for you. She wants you to feel pretty and attractive again and thinks a new cut and color is the way to do it. I agree with those who said to have a quiet chat with your mom and tell her in a very nice and loving way that you appreciate her concern. A mani/pedi or some shopping would be a much better feel good thing for me than the stress of getting a new hair style.

[LauraLongLocks]

She thinks it will help me feel better about myself because I just had a baby and can't fit into my clothes kinda been feeling down, so her thinking is a haircut will make me feel better. I've told her multiple times I don't want to cut it but she keeps bringing it up. The more she brings it up the more I think, does my hair look bad?? She has a pixie and wants me to get one too but I've been there, done that, don't want to do it again. Just wearing down on me the more she brings it up.

My advice is to go shopping for some clothes that fit the body you have right now, and when you lose the baby weight you can celebrate when you fit into your smaller clothes. This isn't about your hair. This is about you feeling frumpy because nothing but stretchy sweats fit right now (been there many a time... retail therapy really helps, even if it is only thrift store clothing).

[xsweetpotatox]

My mom does the same thing every time I'm in town even though she knows I'm never happy with shorter hair.

Just try to remember that it's your hair and that you are the one who has to be happy with it, not her

[Eastbound&Down]

She might be able to come up for the holidays and I told her she could take me shopping but that I want to grow my hair out long again. She still thinks the cut would be good for me, but she agreed to have a shopping day :) partial success.

[Amapola]

Yay for the partial success! Well done!