Negative comments - male with long hair

[Arfed]

I've had my hair long for about 6-7 years now, and (for about 15 years or so) up until lately I've not been very socially active, due to longstanding anxiety, socially.

As I'm getting more socially active now though (and meeting people I have a romantic interest in :)), I'm finding that I'm getting a lot of borderline or negative comments about my hair;
not necessarily rude, just stuff like "you'll grow out of it [the idea of having long hair]", "it's a sign of immaturity" or "you'll meet a girl and will find you change" kind of stuff - as well as stuff like, saying it would be a prejudice against me in career building.

I know as a guy, to expect some amount of negative comments about having long hair, because it definitely puts me in a social minority, and there is prejudice against it - I'm ok ignoring that, so long as it's just that;
but at the same time, I pretty much never get positive feedback on it, and am not as happy with it as I'd like (I want to keep it long, but want to be able to style it better and keep it looking well when out - a bit prone to flyaways).

So I'm worried that this could be losing me opportunities socially/romantically - I'm not really sure what to do about it?
I might consider cutting it, but I really want that to be a last resort - it would be handy to have someone knowledgeable about hair styling/care (I think I'm good with the 'care' bit though, thanks to LHC), to give me a second opinion and help me out with getting it looking the best it can, but I don't really know anybody who could help with that - I figure, if I'm going to consider cutting, I aught to first do the best I can to get it looking as good as possible, and get help with that if possible.

So ya, not really sure what I'm asking (it doesn't sum to a single question I guess), but what would be a good way to find someone who could help with that? I'm not sure I'd trust a hairdressers, though it seems the obvious place?

[Johannah]

So I'm worried that this could be losing me opportunities socially/romantically - I'm not really sure what to do about it?

If someone loves you - as a friend or romantically - he or she will not say negative things about your hair. He or she will be there for you, whether your hair is short or long. If someone doesn't want to hang out with you because of your hair, for goodness sake, leave them. Looks shouldn't be this important!


but what would be a good way to find someone who could help with that? I'm not sure I'd trust a hairdressers, though it seems the obvious place?

Hello, welcome to tLHC! :waving: There are a lot of people in here who can help you with caring for your hair, but styling as well! But a little bit more background information would be useful!

[brickworld13]

I'm sorry people are treating you this way. I would not cut my hair because someone else said I should. IMHO if you are losing opportunities socially, romanticallly, and economically because of your hair then the opportunities weren't good enough in the first place. I'm quite a bit of a cynic so you should probably take that with a huge helping of salt.

Have you tried braids? They help me a lot with the flyaway issues, and we have similar hair types. Maybe they will work for you too.

I would be very cautious with a hairdresser. Sometimes they do not know how to handle long hair. If you are worried about trust just get some hair scissors, make sure they are really sharp, and have a friend cut it for you. It's really easy to trim long hair.

[Madora]

You can certainly maintain your own hair easily, if you are willing to be patient and use gentle products. It doesn't cost a lot of money. It does take time and patience.

You didn't state what your hair routine is (products used/how often shampoo/condition/comb/brush, etc.) so I can't comment on that. Suffice to say, "less is more" is an approach that works for me. I also brush daily with a pure bbb. Detangling hair properly is very important, as well as protecting the delicate ends during the day and while sleeping. Getting rid of damage is important if you want healthy hair. And unless it is really necessary, shampooing once a week is enough. Better still, learn to stretch your washes.

As for hair styles, braiding comes to mind. Some gentlemen here have beautiful, manly buns. It all depends what you feel comfortable with, or are able to create.

[Amapola]

It's very interesting how different parts of the world vary from each other. In my neck of the woods, MOST men have long hair, and no one so much as raises an eyebrow. No one has a word to say about it, you certainly never hear negative comments.

My contribution to better care would be a silk or satin pillow case. It made a huge difference for my fly-aways. I didn't realize how much I was wearing my hair off by tossing and turning all night, the satin pillow case really took care of that.

[browneyedsusan]

I'm with Brickworld. Those people are not high enough caliber for you, Honey.

What kind of people offer opinions when you don't ask for them? Rude people with no manners, that's who! Brush that :poop: off, and don't get any on you! If their comments bother you, bun your hair up when you're out and about. Anyone romantically interested in you might be really into that head of hair. :) Your unique hair is super cool, and you ought to be proud of the discipline it took to get it long and keep it nice.

FWIW: I've never cut my hair myself before TLHC, but am confident doing it now! Lots of links to diy haircuts stickied on the mane forum.

Do what makes YOU happy. :)

[Chalky]

So I'm worried that this could be losing me opportunities socially/romantically - I'm not really sure what to do about it?


If I understand this correctly, you are worried that you might miss a chance to meet someone because of your long hair? I really doubt that there are such superficial people out there who would avoid you because of your hair, but if there are then who cares? You wouldn't want to hang with them anyway :)
Regarding hair care advice, as soon as you come back to this thread post everything we need to know about your hair type, texture, products you use, how often you wash it, do you use heat etc. and these lovely ladies here such as Madora, Johannah and others will give you better advice than you can get at any hair salon out there :smile:

[brickworld13]

I have an addition to my earlier remark. I am required to wear a hardhat for some of my job functions and so have to keep my hair at lengths that fit inside the hat without negating it's protective purpose. So because of the job I have chosen, I have a length restriction out of personal safety requirements. Short of that, I will not be cutting my hair unless I want to cut it.

[MiamiPineapple]

It doesn't matter if you cut your hair or not, someone else who is insecure is always going to have a comment about something. I know what this is like and I choose to ignore it. I never go around commenting on how others look. Why would I care, it doesn't effect me? I am confident in how I look and I wish them to feel the same no matter how they look. It always amazes me though how immature and self-conscious some people are. For example, I workout 7 days a week so as a female, I look built. It's a part of who I am just like your hair is a part of who you are. People LOVE to make comments without me asking. Are you always going to workout? Why do you workout so much? I have also had plastic surgery. I will catch females making comments to others. People who are confident in themselves don't feel the need to bring others down. You will find someone that likes you for you no matter what your hair looks like. And you have to live with how you look everyday, not them.

[Arfed]

Thanks for the replies all :)

I think that I have the 'care' part of maintaining my hair down well - I trim it myself, and do WC (instead of CWC - mainly to save time) every 2nd/3rd day, using Jason products, which are good for not having harsh ingredients, and I use a horn come to detangle/comb my hair.
I could change that around a bit, but not stuff that takes a lot of time.

The main styling issue I have is the flyaways, as my hair (which I keep in a ponytail primarily) can turn into a bit of a halo when out - it is quite fine - especially e.g. out a long time hiking when it's windy :)
I use a bit of eco-styler or aloe-vera gel to help with that (upon recommendation from another thread), and it helps a little, though not enough - but ya I think I'll try peoples suggestion of braiding (I used to do French braids, so will try that again), and maybe buns too.

People are fine hanging out with me and all, it's just the feedback I get on my hair is often borderline or negative, and it's making me more unsure of it, particularly if I'm meeting people I'm interested in.
The comments I would get wouldn't always be unsolicited, but can come up when the topic of hair comes up - I guess it's something I'm kind of insecure about; think (in a lot of ways) I just need to be more confident :) (while still improving the things I can actually address)

[Knifegill]

I'm growing out my hair partly to tick people off anyway. Embrace your inner troll and remember not to let a bunch of monkeys tell you what to do. 200 years from now it will all be erased anyway. Also, if they are opening the door to commenting on appearance, roll with it, look them over in a scripted, obvious way and pick out something you don't like about their appearance. Keep it lighthearted and sarcastic, and they ought to realize how absurd their own comment was.

[brickworld13]

Hmmm. I would tell the person that I found their rude comments to be unneccessary. I usually follow that with some remark about how my hair is very important to me, and I spend a lot of time and effort to keep it looking nice.

[browneyedsusan]

Thanks for the replies all :)

I think that I have the 'care' part of maintaining my hair down well - I trim it myself, and do WC (instead of CWC - mainly to save time) every 2nd/3rd day, using Jason products, which are good for not having harsh ingredients, and I use a horn come to detangle/comb my hair.
I could change that around a bit, but not stuff that takes a lot of time.

The main styling issue I have is the flyaways, as my hair (which I keep in a ponytail primarily) can turn into a bit of a halo when out - it is quite fine - especially e.g. out a long time hiking when it's windy :)
I use a bit of eco-styler or aloe-vera gel to help with that (upon recommendation from another thread), and it helps a little, though not enough - but ya I think I'll try peoples suggestion of braiding (I used to do French braids, so will try that again), and maybe buns too.

People are fine hanging out with me and all, it's just the feedback I get on my hair is often borderline or negative, and it's making me more unsure of it, particularly if I'm meeting people I'm interested in.
The comments I would get wouldn't always be unsolicited, but can come up when the topic of hair comes up - I guess it's something I'm kind of insecure about; think (in a lot of ways) I just need to be more confident :) (while still improving the things I can actually address)

I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like your anxiety is doing the talking in your head. That beast can warp our sense of reality in the worst way. Is the anxiety under control?

[schnibbles]

Just remember, you can't please everyone all the time.
I became much happier (and easier) on myself when I realized that I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea, and that's just fine.

To use a basic example, should I dye my hair blonde because some people like blondes over brunettes? :shrug: (Not going to happen.)

Maybe a manly bun would keep your length a mystery to people and cut down on some of the negative comments ... when you get to know someone better, and don't feel like you're being judged for it, then you could let people have the privilege of knowing who you truly are. I'm not saying you should have to hide your hair, but .. your hair is your business and you shouldn't feel like you have to justify it to anyone.
It's a state of mind thing, I think. Good luck :)

@ MiamiPineapple amen....

[Johannah]

Thanks for the replies all :)

I think that I have the 'care' part of maintaining my hair down well - I trim it myself, and do WC (instead of CWC - mainly to save time) every 2nd/3rd day, using Jason products, which are good for not having harsh ingredients, and I use a horn come to detangle/comb my hair.
I could change that around a bit, but not stuff that takes a lot of time.

The main styling issue I have is the flyaways, as my hair (which I keep in a ponytail primarily) can turn into a bit of a halo when out - it is quite fine - especially e.g. out a long time hiking when it's windy :)
I use a bit of eco-styler or aloe-vera gel to help with that (upon recommendation from another thread), and it helps a little, though not enough - but ya I think I'll try peoples suggestion of braiding (I used to do French braids, so will try that again), and maybe buns too.

People are fine hanging out with me and all, it's just the feedback I get on my hair is often borderline or negative, and it's making me more unsure of it, particularly if I'm meeting people I'm interested in.
The comments I would get wouldn't always be unsolicited, but can come up when the topic of hair comes up - I guess it's something I'm kind of insecure about; think (in a lot of ways) I just need to be more confident :) (while still improving the things I can actually address)

If you feel insecure about your hair, don't hesitate to talk to members of this forum. That's why we're here for. :o

That said, do you do a deep conditioning treatment once in a while? Deep conditioning based on moisture can prevent frizz, or at least help a lot. You can check out Snowymoon's moisture treatment (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=128). Heavy oilings with for example coconut oil reduced my frizz as well when my hair was shorter.
Do you use leave-in products except from gels? You could try an actual leave-in conditioner or just use a bit of conditioner on wet hair. A lot people like to use a little bit of oil in their hair as well. Some people (Hi Madora :waving:) swear by some drops of mineral oil on wet hair to reduce their frizz. You could also check out the LOC-method (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=118167). Using such products on wet hair locks the moisture (i.e. the water) in. This way your hair stays hydrated, which reduces frizz.

I hope I gave you some ideas to experiment with.

[bte]

I received some negative comments at one time, but now people know me as the ponytailed man and accept me.
And I am happily married! Friendship and more will come when you meet the right person.

[Robot Ninja]

People actually comment on how your hair looks when you're hiking? Or is it just that you notice all the flyaways? If it's the former, pfft on those people, and if it's the latter, I wouldn't worry about it. Nobody expects you to look perfectly put together when you're doing outdoorsy stuff, at least nobody reasonable.

A lot of women like long hair on guys, so it's far from dooming you to being forever alone.

If you post a picture of your hair, I'm sure you'll get tons of advice on getting it to look as good as possible, none of which will be "chop it off."

[Anje]

It seems to me that some people feel threatened by anyone who does something that they see as being against (their idea of) the norm. You're disrupting the social order and must be stopped! You don't blend in sufficiently! AAAHhhhhhhh! :rollin:

Of course, society benefits from having a broad range of personalities, cultures, professions, appearances, and so on. There would be no progress if no one did new, different things. I suppose it's a major extrapolation to go from your longer-than-conventional hair to the progress of society, but the point is that it's OK to be who and what you are, look the way you're most comfortable looking, and so on. And people who don't think so are ultimately advocating a stagnant, "this is the way we've always done it" sort of world.
______

On a more practical note, you said you have a lot of loose fluffy stuff that slips out of a ponytail. Is a lot of it the length that reaches approximately to the ponytail band from your hairline?

I ask because I had a lot of breakage in my own fine hair from wearing a ponytail regularly when I first joined this place, and it happened right about where the band was. Some of this, I attribute to my "tightening" the ponytail a couple times a day. A lot of it, though, is just that some hair can't take the constant friction at one little point like that. What I ended up doing was switching myself over to braids and buns that didn't start with an elastic at the top. It took a few months before the flyaways started staying in, but they grew and started behaving a lot better.

I still put a hat or bandana on my head when I'm outside for a long time and don't want the flyaways to go nuts, because I always have a few of them in windy conditions. Besides, it keeps the twigs out of my hair. :)

[Nellon]

There's girls who really like long haired guys as well. What if you meet one of us :D and your hair ends up being to your advandtage? :)

[GetMeToWaist]

I actually find guys with long hair insanely attractive.

Just wanted to put that out there. There are many girls who do!

[Akville]

I would never date any guy with long hair.. I think its kind of unmanly... So you could definitely lose a opportunity to meet somebody :).. but Its just me...

[PinkyCat]

I would never date any guy with long hair.. I think its kind of unmanly... So you could definitely lose a opportunity to meet somebody :).. but Its just me...

Well then. And here is a manifestation of the "type" that you should avoid.

You aren't missing any opportunities, just avoiding a waste of time. On to the next...

[moontree]

Adding my two cents that I and many of my lovely female friends also like men with long hair... but of course a physical characteristic should never be a deciding factor in being with someone!

I have a lot less trouble with frizzy flyaways now that I have a satin pillowcase and stopped using elastics... though I miss the ease of just putting everything into a ponytail!

[Platzhalter]

There are more than enough girls who would accept a guy with long hair. Someone who truly loves you accepts you the way you are or want to be. Not to mention that long hair can be just as manly as any other hair... it's the general appearance that makes someone "manly". Or girly... or whatever. If you want long hair than wear it long. It's your hair, not the hair of society.

[dogzdinner]

I love long hair on blokes, you def couldnt call it unmanly. Not when so many heavy metal dudes and bikers seem to have long hair, surely they arent girlie?
My only problem with it is that alot of them have much thicker and wavier hair then me. :(

Doesnt suit all guys though. My brother used to have gorgeous midback hair but he cut it all off....after some bloke saw him from the back in a pub and tried to pick him up!!LOL :D

[Johannah]

I would never date any guy with long hair.. I think its kind of unmanly... So you could definitely lose a opportunity to meet somebody :).. but Its just me...

In my opinion, long hair can make a man even more manly. And I'm 200% sure there are a lot of girls who share this opinion, so the topic starter doesn't have a reason to be scared or feel bad. :)

[SkyChild]

My brother has long hair. I honestly can't imagine what he'd look like if he cut it short.
Yes, it could be a sign of immaturity. (And if it is - Yes, you might grow out of it.) Yes some might consider it unmanly. Perhaps some short-sighted potential employers will have a problem with it. However, if you wear your hair back neatly in a ponytail and are otherwise presentable, and employable then they'll generally ignore it.

But you should ignore these comments and the people who make them. It is your hair, it's up to you what to do with it.
Anyone who is going to be interested in you romantically or socially will say the same - if not, you don't need them as friends or more

[EarthArtist]

IMO They are just jealous! If you are happy with who you are and comfortable in your own skin, body and HAIR then the rest does not matter! You will attract People who will love you for YOU.

It has taken me 43 years to finally be comfortable with who I am and not worry about what people think of me. :cool:

[EarthArtist]

BTW: My husband would KILL to have long hair! Unfortunately it is not in his DNA :(

[gthlvrmx]

If they don't like your hair, they can walk away and stare at someone else! No on seemed to have asked for their opinion on your hair anyways they are rather rude :( Your hair is fine! I have social anxiety too it's awful you can't do a lot of things with a lot of people around.

[red-again]

Agree totally. When I met my hubby, he had tailbone length hair. And let me tell you...he was manly enough!

[Arfed]

@browneyedsusan: Ya you're most likely right, that it's more the anxiety than anything else (it's not as under control as I'd like) - though it's hard to shake the feedback I have gotten.

@Johannah: Thanks :) I think I'll try the deep oiling again; I got some Apricot Oil recently which I may use for that. I did a heavy oiling with that once, and (after realizing the oil may not all wash out) put a heavy amount of conditioner in my hair 30 mins before washing out (to help take the oil off) - I think that had good results, may do it again. May try LOC as well, as someone recommended that before too.

Lots of good replies, though can't reply to all, haha :) thanks - appreciate the feedback, negative as well as positive (even though negative/borderline comments in person, made me start this thread, still think it's useful feedback, where it's honest and not rude :)).

[fiðrildi]

Personally, I think long hair in men makes them look even more manly, and not the opposite. Double bonus if the long-haired man is super-confident about himself, which is usually the keynote, when you have been brave enough to have long hair in a place where it's seen as inappropriate or weird. I disagree about the immature comment. I can tell you that I've seen spectacular long hair on wise and old men, same way that I have seen spectacular long hair on old women.

I used to have a friend of a friend, who had crazy long hair. He had never had a girlfriend before, and one day... bam! He founds her, she tells her to cut his hair, he cuts his hair... and that's how he ruined one of the things that made him look interesting. Seriously, if it were me, and my couple told me to cut my hair... I would feel insulted. Just like some people commented above, you don't have to please anyone with your looks, you just have to please yourself, and stay loyal to your thoughts and your wishes. You wish to grow your hair longer, so be it, don't listen to people commenting about stuff that's not their business. And the right person will come to you as soon as you stop worrying about what other people think of your looks, you will see!

No reason to feel anxiety, you just come here any time, and you'll get a bunch of nice comments from lovely people here :)

[trolleypup]

In addition to the good advice you are getting...romantically, better to get the most individual things about yourself out in front, and save trouble later. Also applies to other segments of your life.

Be who you are and be secure and confident about it.

And...there are places where people are less hidebound and controlling...and even don't much care about the little stuff (like hair).

[DarkSunny]

In addition to the good advice you are getting...romantically, better to get the most individual things about yourself out in front, and save trouble later. Also applies to other segments of your life.

Be who you are and be secure and confident about it.

And...there are places where people are less hidebound and controlling...and even don't much care about the little stuff (like hair).

Making sure to be up-front about who you are, both romantically and in general, is some absolutely wonderful advice. Relationship wise, I know that heeding it has definitely helped me steer clear of many potential misunderstandings, while not heeding it pretty much lead me straight towards them.

[EdG]

The negative comments will go away as you grow older and the people that you associate with become more mature.

My parents used to say "it's just a phase". A quarter of a century later, the long hair is obviously not a phase. :lol:
Ed

[Horrorpops]

Hi there, I am a firm believer in the fact that you have to be honest in who you are when dating. If you lose a date or two because being who you are puts off some potential partners you've not lost anything, you've just gained some time that would have been wasted pursuing someone who isn't a good fit for you!

And honestly there is no 'perfect' man for every woman so there would be heaps of ladies out there who woul love to date a guy with long hair, and even more who are ambivalent about the hair and want to date you because of your sense of humour, cute smile, nice ass etc! :D Not all women will find your hair a deterrent so people telling you that are misleading!

That being said not all women are going to love your hair, but in the same way that you can't please everyone so you mose well make yourself happy first! And work on your confidence because they aren't lying when the say that confidence is one of the sexiest things you can have.

Final thought, just remember all the women who went crazy over Orlando Bloom with his long blonde hair as Legolas in LotR! :)