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Topaz
September 3rd, 2014, 09:36 AM
Right now I am having a big dilemma over my hair and Ihonestly do not see any happy resolution for this situation. Here is my problem: I am being forced to retire soon from my job of 27 years. Once retired onOctober 31, I will be taking care of my Dad full-time. He is 88 andgetting weaker every day and I will become his full-time caretaker. Theproblem arises from his chain-smoking cigars, approximately 1 cigar every hour,and the fact that I am highly allergic to tobacco smoke. Exposed to it formore than a short time, my allergy goes into asthma and I can't breathe. But every time I mention ANYTHING about his smoking, he gets angry andcompletely dismissive.

He does only smoke in his special smoking room, but thesmoke still permeates through the door and windows into the entire rest of thehouse. Even hiring someone to totallyclean my Dad’s house top to bottom won’t free me from the ambient tobacco smokepermeating the whole house every single time he smokes, nor from that smokeroom where he loves to sit and where there are tobacco ashes thickly layeredover every surface. Even regarding the chairs out there --- the back ofmy Dad’s head is charcoal gray while the rest is silvery-white, and it is fromleaning his head back in the chair. There is a solid layer of ashes(maybe almost a 1/16th inch thick?) on every solid surface in hissmoke room. Sadly, I am not kidding. That should tell you howserious a problem this is for my asthma. And no, he will NOT stop smoking!

I’ll tell you how bad the smoking situation is. Hebroke a tooth a couple days ago. Afterhis dental extraction yesterday, I had to go to the store to buy mushy foodsfor him to eat. By the time I got back, he was already smoking. He pretendedlike he wasn’t by holding the lit cigar down by the side of his chair, “out ofsight”, but the room was completely fogged with it and he had the nerve to saythat MAYBE he could smoke if he kept the gauze over the surgical site. LIKE HE WASN’T ALREADY SMOKING!!! I told him that was a big mistake withan open wound even covered by gauze, but he just laughed and then startedsmoking again. He is so addicted to the nicotine that it isn’t even funnyanymore.

Issue No.1) all the tobacco smoke/ashes on EVERYTHING andjust in the air which permeates EVERYTHING. Even just going over thereand sitting in the living room for a while, my clothing and hair are stinkywith cigar/tobacco smoke and by the time I leave, even after a fairly shortstay, my nose is clogged up and my throat is sore. I have to bathe andshampoo the instant I get home to control my asthma, AND launder those clothes. And that’s just the ambient smoke! That’s not even entering his smokingroom!!! And Issue No. 2) as he ages and gets weaker, just the sheer issueof keeping my hair out of the way as taking care of him becomes more and morelabor intensive. Regarding the tobacco smoke/ashes alone, combined withmy severe allergy to tobacco smoke, I will have to shower the minute I get homeevery day and with my hair taking about 3 hours to dry now, that will becomeextremely tedious. Washing it only once every week or two right now isone thing, but every single day it will be just too tooooo much. Plus I’mafraid that washing it every single day would dry it out like crazy and damageit so it wouldn’t be pretty anymore anyway. But soon I will have to wash it every day because of my tobacoo allergy.

Just seeing him smoking with an open wound in his mouth yesterdayreally brought it home to me. I can’t explain why, but it just shoved mynose in the issue of his tobacco addiction and my upcoming struggles to keep myown tobacco allergy/asthma from keeping me sick all the time.

I already feel resigned to cutting it, and I cannot tellyou how sad that makes me. Then I could come home every day and showerand shampoo and be completely clean and with my hair drying in maybe an hour orso. Or if I do have to go to sleep with it wet or damp, shorter hairwouldn’t look so crazy when I woke up, and if it did I could just put it up ina ponytail and forget about it. But then there is still the issue oftaking care of him after he becomes more and more feeble and/or bedridden ---which seems to be getting closer and closer because he refuses to get up andmove anymore! I feel so sad, like I will be getting rid of a goodfriend. But yes, it will grow back if I get to that place again.

I just don’t see a way around this one. And yes,with my emotions so stressed out nowadays maybe I’m making more of it than Ishould. If you guys think I am, please tell me. But I’m trying tothink rationally and realistically this seems like the practical thing to do.

Nymphea
September 3rd, 2014, 09:53 AM
Oh, dear Topaz!

I know these are all difficult questions and not knowing your situation to the details, I'm certainly not in a position to ask, but I was wondering, is it possible to find someone else to take care of your Dad, or someone with whom you could share the duties? It's about your health, after all, and there's the hair issue too, which makes everything even more difficult.

Your hair is so beautiful, I can see it in your signature picture. Please don't cut it until you try every other option.

Hugs, I'll be thinking of you whatever you decide.:grouphug:

Topaz
September 3rd, 2014, 10:04 AM
Thank you for your kind words, Nymphea. Sadly, it's just me and no one else. I have no siblings or relatives who can help. My husband and kids are all working full time. My Dad has driven away all of his friends who could help (he has no filter on his opinions). Eventually it will come down to hiring someone --- he does have long term health care --- but until then he is bound and determined to stay at home with me and no one else taking care of him. And I owe him, I mean he raised me and supported me and I love him dearly. I think I can manage but it will require constant showers and shampoos. Which might mean --- Oh well ...

Madora
September 3rd, 2014, 11:06 AM
Topaz, I know you love your father BUT for the sake of YOUR health, hire someone who can come in and get rid of as much of the ashes as possible, and clean as much of the furniture/drapes, etc. as possible. Yes, they'll just get smoke filled again..but your father has to understand this is NOT healthy for you! Better still, hire someone to come in part time and take care of him.

You might also want to look into several hepa type air purifiers and put them in various parts of the home.

Believe me, I loathe everything connected with smoking. Had very bad asthma as a child and was hospitalized several times. My dad still smoked (of course they didn't realize back in those days how horrible smoking was for you, and those around you).

I'm still highly sensitive to smoke and can't stand to be around anyone who has been smoking. My throat constricts and panic sets in. Even wood fires trigger unpleasant feelings in my throat. I also hate perfume and most fragrances. They drive my sinuses nuts.

As for your hair, have you considered covering it while you're working near your father?

Also, if you're interested, I have an easy air drying method that I've developed for my mane. It only takes 25 minutes to air dry outdoors. Indoors..about 45 minutes, using a portable heater (standing about 4 feet from it). PM me if interested.

Good luck!

Katrine
September 3rd, 2014, 01:24 PM
How wonderful of you to be there for your father in this way even though you have your own health issues. I see you've already gotten great suggestions. I just wanted to add a couple more if you have not already thought of them. Have you considered wearing a scarf to cover your hair when you are with your father? Would wearing one of those allergy masks over your mouth and nose help with the allergies? I know they sell them at Sally's Beauty Supply or you could probably order them online.

Chromis
September 3rd, 2014, 01:53 PM
You don't owe him your health. Also, if he is making you sick, then how can you take good care of him? It would be irresponsible towards either of you to continue like that. He has long term options, so put your foot down and tell him to use them.

I would suggest that at this age, if he can't/won't quit to look into e-cigs, but it sounds like he would not be willing. He'd get his nicotine though and you wouldn't have to breathe it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic_cigarette While I doubt highly that they are any better healthwise for him, at least he won't have ash falling into his wounds and you'd be able to breath properly. It's going to be hard for you to look after his wounds if you are gasping for air yourself. It sounds like he'd turn the idea down just to be ornery though!

Airline safety rule number one keeps popping into my head for some reason: always put your own oxygen mask on first!

mz_butterfly
September 3rd, 2014, 01:57 PM
If he smokes a cigar every hour, when is he NOT smoking? Doesn't it take almost an hour to smoke a cigar? wow!

Personally, I'd let a nurse take care of him. If you have an asthma attack and end up in the hospital, very ill or even dead, then who is going to take care of you and your family?

This is a time that you need to put your foot down. If he doesn't have money or insurance to pay for his care, go to the social services department. He might end up in a nursing home, and they won't allow him to smoke there.

mz_butterfly
September 3rd, 2014, 01:59 PM
And I'd be damned if someone elses bad habits would make me cut MY hair. If he can't get out to buy the cigars, who is getting them for him? Throw them out, have the house cleaned and get Dad a nicotine patch and gum. If he doesn't cease smoking and you continue this route, you are allowing him to ruin your life and your health.

Lirona
September 3rd, 2014, 02:14 PM
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this situation. Have you considered seeing a therapist for support? That has helped me navigate many tough times. Just having the emotional support combined with practical ideas and resources has been invaluable.

He sounds like a man dead-set on his cigars. But I thought I'd mention this anyway: there is a way for him to get the nicotine, to "smoke," without the actual smoke or ashes. Have you heard of e-cigarettes (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electronic_cigarette)? I have been around people using them, and they are much easier to tolerate (don't smell like smoke at all, just faintly sweet). Maybe they wouldn't set off your allergy. I wonder if you could reach a compromise with him. Because it sounds like cutting your hair won't really solve things; you'll still be breathing it in constantly.

ETA: Chromis beat me to it!

Nellon
September 3rd, 2014, 02:19 PM
If you have allergy you can not care for him if he keeps smoking. Simple as that. In my mind.
I know it's not that simple, but really... It seems so wrong for you to be putting your health at risk like this. It just seems... wrong.

Others have said it better, I've nothing to add. Wishing you and your dad all good things!

kaydana
September 3rd, 2014, 02:21 PM
Covering your hair with a scarf might help keep the worst out, but if not would switching to CO for some of your washes be a possibility? This would stop the daily washing drying your hair out.

Also, invest in a hair dryer with a cool setting (not just a button you have to keep pressed down). That will allow you to dry your hair quickly, without the heat damage that comes with normal blow drying.

swords & roses
September 3rd, 2014, 02:22 PM
Just because he gave you life, does not mean you owe him yours. With allergies like yours, that house can kill you. You may feel that you owe it to him to ensure he is well taken care of in this stage of his life, but it doesn't have to be you personally who does it. Please look into various hired-help services such as Seniors Helping Seniors (http://www.seniorshelpingseniors.com/Home.html) & Home Instead Senior Care (http://www.homeinstead.com/pages/home.aspx)which are great examples of skilled-care services that allow the patient/senior to stay home where they like it but still get the care they need, without the family having to devote their lives & health to do so. Yes, he needs care, and maybe it's not yet time for him to go live in a retirement home/community. But there are options to give him that care without killing yourself to do so.

SkyChild
September 3rd, 2014, 02:28 PM
I agree with previous posters.
Where does he get his cigars from? If you are buying them for him, just stop.
Definitely don't cut your hair and definitely hire someone to clean up the house/look after him.
Find a carer who is already a smoker so they won't be bothered by his chain smoking.
You certainly shouldn't be putting yourself at risk like that.

swords & roses
September 3rd, 2014, 02:35 PM
(Sorry if that came off harsh. I watched my mom & aunt lose several years of their lives taking on the care of their parents instead of seeking outside help, and watched the stress & the internal & external guilt trips & the expectation of martyrdom nearly kill them. I heard them beg their father to stop smoking as his health failed & he neared the end. I know that his smoking caused emphasema to the extent that he was unable to recover when the wind got knocked out of him from rolling out of bed, which was what caused him to die. I've watched my sister suffer through crippling asthma attacks that put her in the hospital back when we were kids & our dad refused to stop smoking. I watched the horror cross my dad's face when one day he cleaned the window by the recliner he always smoked in, saw the thick yellow sludge run down the glass, and it finally sank in that he was putting that crap into his babies. He'd been smoking since he was 9 years old, but he swore right then that he'd never touch another cigarrette, and in almost 20 years, he's kept that promise. I still see the pain in his eyes every time he thinks back on what his smoking did to us when we were young. Your story just hit so close to home for me. I hope you find a solution that keeps you healthy & safe.)

Marbid
September 3rd, 2014, 02:44 PM
Injust want to add in.... Plastic cap for hair.. Plastic wont let the smoke in.. Like shower caps.. There are more solutions to keep your hair isolated from the environment. As far as that goes, your hair does not have to be exposed to the smoke. Also... Invest on a mask or mask filter for yourself.. If your dad does not want to change.. Then isolate your hair and your lungs from the smoke. Search the internet for air filter masks for home uses. Like those masks people wear when going into biohazard area. I shall update some sugestions.

Just know there are more choices for you. You just have to look.

Anje
September 3rd, 2014, 02:52 PM
Injust want to add in.... Plastic cap for hair.. Plastic wont let the smoke in.. Like shower caps.. There are more solutions to keep your hair isolated from the environment. As far as that goes, your hair does not have to be exposed to the smoke. Also... Invest on a mask or mask filter for yourself.. If your dad does not want to change.. Then isolate your hair and your lungs from the smoke. Search the internet for air filter masks for home uses. Like those masks people wear when going into biohazard area. I shall update some sugestions.

Just know there are more choices for you. You just have to look.
I like this advice, but I think I'd upgrade the mask to a respirator. You're going to be seriously risking your health caring for him, I fear. If you must be the one to care for him (which I think I'd advise against), you will need to take some drastic measures to protect yourself.

What kind of respirator is something that you'll probably need to research. I'm not sure an N95 would be adequate. Be sure it fits well.

Marbid
September 3rd, 2014, 02:54 PM
Ok.. I hear the hepa allergy/ respirator mask is a good option.. It is relatively inexpensive for around 30 usd... Here is website..

http://www.achooallergy.com/mask-3mHEPA.asp

If you are determined to help your dad.. You dont have to breathe it in.. And you dont have to cut your hair.. Just look for th options. Its not as expensive to get a good allergy mask as you might think. You might even be ok to clean out his smoking room without danger to yourself.

also.. Here is a site for allergy masks review.. Helps you find the best one for your needs..

I still think the hepa is best thou.

http://www.achooallergy.com/allergy-asthma-mask-buying-guide.asp

spidermom
September 3rd, 2014, 03:23 PM
I'd have the place thoroughly cleaned before I stepped foot into it. I believe you can keep the smoke isolated to the smoking room. There are insulating strips that you can install around the doors, and you might have to put a towel at the crack under the door. Keep your hair covered and wear a respirator if you have to. I have asthma, too, and heavy tobacco scent sends me into coughing fits. I understand what you're up against. All the adults in my immediate family smoke. They smoke outside, then they pretend they don't understand why I'm coughing so hard that I can't catch my breath when they come back in with their tobacco-saturated clothing. Addictions do that to people.

lilin
September 3rd, 2014, 04:08 PM
I agree with the others that you NEVER owe someone else your health. With your asthma and allergies, this is a serious issue for your well-being.

I also understand that you love him, and I understand wanting to honor someone you love even when they are making it difficult for you. I went through this with my father when he had terminal cancer (although his difficulty was in NOT allowing me to help and being independent longer than I thought was safe, rather than than a health issue like this).

Whether you decide to do this or not comse down to your relationship with him, and obviously none of us know what that is, and we certainly have no place invalidating it. If you feel this relationship justifies the difficulty, I can't tell you you're wrong, and you very likely could be right. It's good to feel moved to sacrifice for those who sacrifice for us. But also remember that you are NEVER obligated to risk your health for anyone -- whether they raised you or not. We are never obligated to hurt ourselves for anyone.

Now, assuming you are set on doing this, I'm throwing a bunch of stuff at the wall here and maybe something will help.

First -- and I'd recommend this no matter what -- get a professional cleaner who deals with serious jobs to pick through that entire place with a fine-tooth comb. Start as close to clean as it's possible to get.

Then, I think the first thing to try is to talk to him about the e-cigarette idea. Now, I have actually had exposure to this industry. I do not consider e-cigarettes safe, and I do not think anyone with any other alternatives should use them. But at his age, the risks are negligible, and for your asthma and allergies, it will probably be an improvement. Really push hard for him to at least give it a shot. I can tell you this for certain: the overwhelming majority of people who give e-cigarettes a serious shot do give up tobacco. And many times, it's pretty painless. Again, I am not sure it's an improvement for their health. But with his age and your health factors, it will probably be an improvement in this case.

If that does not work, talk to a professional about ways to insulate his smoking room to stop it from getting into the rest of the house. You may want to do this anyway, since it is entirely possible a transition to e-cigarettes will not be immediate.

A plastic cap is a very good idea for your hair.

And a mask or respirator is a good idea for your health.

And finally, if you cannot get him to switch or give up cigars, a home-care nurse who can do much of this for you is probably the best solution, in combination with the stuff above, for the sake of your health.

You need to think about your well-being too, while you consider how to help your father.

lapushka
September 3rd, 2014, 05:17 PM
Have you thought about getting another caretaker for your father?

Mya
September 4th, 2014, 01:06 AM
1) Realistically and rationally, you taking care of your father is the worst idea you could ever have. Health wise, you two are just not compatible, period. Don't guilt yourself into that absurdity. Children don't belong to their parents, children belong to themselves, at any age and in whatever situation.

2) You may want to use cleansing oils to wash your hair. Since they don't penetrate hair as deeply as normal shampoos, hair gets less soaked in water, thus it will dry faster. Also using a microfiber towel will make your hair dry much faster.

3) Your hair is very beautiful, it would be a shame to cut it.

Unzadi
September 4th, 2014, 05:31 AM
There's been a lot of good advice here already on your dad's smoking, and on keeping your beautiful hair, so I'm going to talk caregiver to caregiver here.

Your first duty is to take care of yourself. If you crash, who's going to take care of him? It's like putting on your own oxygen mask in an airplane before assisting your child. No matter how much you love and/or feel duty toward your dad (and no, you do not owe him your health, your sanity or your hair) no one person can do everything. I would strongly consider getting professional help if finances or insurance will permit. There are trained professionals who are kind, dedicated and honestly love caring for people in your dad's situation, and are trained and equipped to deal with the sticky issues. Even respite care, a few hours a week so you can take a nap or breathe fresh air can make a world of difference. Do not allow this trying season of life to steal away what makes you you.

Topaz
September 4th, 2014, 09:10 AM
My thanks to all of you for some really wonderful advice! I have been doing my research too and I’ve already decided to invest in some smokeless ashtrays as well as the hepa air cleaners so many of you recommended. E-cigarettes are something I know he would never agree too, he is hooked on those danged cigars, not just the nicotene but the “feel” of the cigar and smoke rolling around in his mouth. As for where he gets them, he has them on a steady mail-order ---I’ve seen his credit card bills a couple times, and believe it or not he spends over $400/month on cigars. I have discussed the cigar issue with his doctor, and she says that at 88, it is an issue of quality of life vs the quantity of years remaining, and smoking cigars is his biggest enjoyment nowadays so why deny him in his last few years? Of course that was with him living completely alone. When I take him in for his next 3-month check up, I will tell her that I will be over there with him now every day and I will explain about my severe allergy/asthma. We have touched briefly on the subject before and I already know she will tell him again that it is now an issue of me or the cigars, and I hope that will be enough to at least limit his smoking during the day while I am over there with him. Now it is becoming imperative so maybe this time he will listen. Knock on wood!

I need a hip replacement and cannot scrub that house down by myself, so I already plan on hiring a maid service to come in right before my retirement to give his house a thorough scrub down. I hope that once it is scrubbed clean, I can handle the basic upkeep by myself, but I will also have to have them return every now and then for continued thorough scrub downs to fight the ambient smoke.

I like the idea of wearing a scarf over there, it would protect my hair from the smoke and also keep it out of the way. I remember reading something once about a method of actually rolling your hair up inside the scarf and then tying it, so I will look for those instructions again. I like the idea of a face mask too if the smokeless ashtrays and hepa filters don’t help enough. And if all of the above isn’t enough, I can CO wash every night, although I am hoping to avoid that.

I am so grateful for all of your responses and support. I am feeling more hopeful again and I cannot thank you all enough for that!

brickworld13
September 4th, 2014, 03:05 PM
I was going to offer some advice, but all the other posters have used up all my ideas. I wish you luck with your chosen solutions.

I can't visit my relatives who smoke in their houses because it makes me feel awful for days. Instant migraine that just will not go away no matter how much I wash.

Marbid
September 4th, 2014, 05:24 PM
I hope it all goes well too. I am pretty sure that you will find a way to take care of your dad without ruining your hair or your lungs. There are many options out there to help with this. :) i wish you a healthy journey thru this.