View Full Version : Depressed about my hair...need some help

July 15th, 2014, 10:36 PM
I wish I had long, pretty, silky, Caucasian straight hair. I absobloodylutely hate my hair. It's 2 inches but gets tangled extremely easily. I don't wanna damage it with heat or straighteners nor perms. It's extremely the most curliest hair ever that it just can't cooperate. I can't decide what shampoo I wanna use. I don't like conditioners, too greasy and yucky. My hair type is the most fragile hair ever. Breaks extremely easily. But when I go days without combing it, it's hell. I hate putting products in my hair. I buy a ton of products and use them once then never again. I have this mane n tail detangler but don't wanna use it but can't get a comb through my hair. And it's not like I can comb bottom to top cus it's not that long. Too short for me to do that. So I end up snagging the hell out of it. Does anyone on here have any advice? I'm depressed and envy people with long easy to manage hair.

I dislike fragrances, I dislike cones, I dislikes oils. Oils make my hair shed more and too greasy. I want my hair to be able to breathe without putting much on it but need help detangling. Any good detanglers out there with no fragrance or cones. I also heard cones clog the pores and damage the hair especially dimethicone. And a lot of fragrances give me headaches except light smells.

July 15th, 2014, 10:41 PM
I have a completely different hair type but mine tangles easily too. Catnip tea as a leave in gives my hair a little more slip and makes it easier to detangle. However, someone with a more similar hair type might have better suggestions.

July 15th, 2014, 10:41 PM

There are a lot of curly friends for you here. I'll be back with a link for you to a 4s thread.

Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize and then do it again. Do you detangle your hair in the shower covered in conditioner?

My daughter, who is 4, had 2c-3a hair and she tell me all the time she hates her hair. She wants her hair to be straight like mine. It breaks my heart because I think her hair is beautiful. I have a feeling I would feel the same about yours.


Be right back

ETA: Kinky 4s (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=1881)

also look into CO washing (conditioner only)

and the LOC method (liquid oil conditioner) it's a leave in moisturizing treatment for after every wash

good luck!

Duchess Fuzzy Buns
July 15th, 2014, 10:49 PM
Have you tried Kinky Curly Knot Today leave-in for detangling? It really helps me and isn't heavy or greasy at all. No silicones either. It does have "natural fragrance" but it's not bad. It smells like mangoes or something, and the scent dissipates pretty quickly. It's not a scent that sticks around in my hair all day smelling perfumey.

July 15th, 2014, 10:58 PM
Have you ever tried an apple cider vinegar rinse? Works like conditioner for me, without the cones. could give it a try, might make it a tad more manageable. No worries about the smell, is gone once i rinse my hair.

July 15th, 2014, 11:08 PM
Well, I've got long difficult hair. I think long easy to manage hair is mostly mythical unless maybe it doesn't spend much time loose.. I think most people want something different. I'm sorry you're feeling so down. My hairtype is too different to give much advice, but I can say I thought oils were greasy because I wasn't doing them right. Now I put only a few drops in wet and it dries without being greasy, so it does take practice to get the hang of it. I'm sure some curly 4's will be advising you soon.

July 16th, 2014, 01:33 AM
More hugs, Soullure! But I think that the first step to being happy with your hair has got to be to just accept it as it is. I'm sure that the curly 4s can help you learn to manage it better, but it will still be your hair. Accepting it is a choice that only you can make, and you will be happier once you do, because it's grounded in reality, rather than wishing and wishing for something that isn't going to happen. I know your pain from experience, because while I do have silky caucasian hair, I know for sure that nobody, including myself, ever thought it was pretty until I accepted it for what it was and learned (here on LHC, of course) how to really take good care of it. And even though it's mostly straight and silky, I get LOTS of tangles and knots, even when I wear it up or in a braid! I recently learned about Kinky Curly Knot Today here on LHC, and tried it and it helps me better than anything I've ever tried. It does have a scent, but I don'find it too overpowering, nor does it weigh my extremely fine hair down or leave a greasyresidue. I will never be without it again!

July 16th, 2014, 06:21 AM
We all go through spells of wishing we had different hair. I've never stopped wishing I had some waves and some body, although I'm quite pleased with my hair as it is now, just my dream hair is different from my reality. ;)

I've always thought the "fro" was attractive. There was something so soft and so totally different from anything I could do - and it wasn't greased or permed or straightened.... it appeared to be just "fluffed". Can you do that?

My hair breaks too, there will be short pieces broken off the ends. I'm trying to ignore that. ;)

ETA: I know *nothing* about curly hair, nor "black hair" so probably sound silly. Sorry about that, I hope you'll find you really do love your hair. Join the Kinky4 thread, those people rock! :)

July 16th, 2014, 06:47 AM
Have you tried Kinky Curly Knot Today leave-in for detangling? It really helps me and isn't heavy or greasy at all. No silicones either. It does have "natural fragrance" but it's not bad. It smells like mangoes or something, and the scent dissipates pretty quickly. It's not a scent that sticks around in my hair all day smelling perfumey.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. I have 2c/3a hair that gets weighed down pretty easily, and that stuff works really well for me.

I used to get a lot of tangles when I brushed and combed my hair with a regular comb, and I've found that by using the Knot Today stuff and only finger combing my hair when I condition, I get hardly any tangles. I don't know if the same would be true for your hair type, Soullurre. I just know that with my curls, the more I leave them alone, the better they behave. I usually only use a comb when styling it for a special occasion, and never use a brush.

Have you tried seeking out advice on any naturally curly forums? Or there are lots of advice videos on YouTube made by women with natural hair. Many of them do advocate a lot of conditioning and things like curl cream, though. I don't know if you'd like that.

It took me a long time to embrace my own curls. I've wanted straight hair forever. Hanging out on naturally curly forums has helped a lot in that regard. Though I do still get hair envy over girls with shiny straight hair, or girls with curls that actually seem to behave! Judging your hair against the hair pics of others is a bit like judging your life against someone else's life as you see it on Facebook, though. In both cases, you aren't usually seeing the bad bits; you're only seeing what they want you to see. The good parts version.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down about your hair. I hope some of the advice you get will help you to love it.

July 16th, 2014, 07:16 AM
I've spent an awful lot of time wishing I could have hair like yours. Super curly hair is really pretty. But nothing will make my type 1 hair into type 4, and nothing will make your type 4 into a type 1... sadness. Can't change our genes. But we can learn to appreciate the good parts of our natural hair type. And thankfully a lot of type 3 and type 4 ladies talk about what helps their hair, because I have wound up borrowing tons of their ideas.

Where you say conditioner feels greasy and yucky... are there particular ones you've tried that gave that feel? Not all conditioners use the same formula. And there are actually conditioners where most of the ingredients are gentle detergents, so they can be really good for cleaning your hair. Since my hair is fine and fragile, that sort of conditioner can be helpful for me. It's a gentler way to wash than with "real" shampoo. If you're looking for fragrance free, the two conditioners I use most are Alba Botanica's leave in and Everyday Shea's conditioner. Both contain some gentle detergents, and a lot of detanglers. There are other fragrance free conditioners, tho they're not always the easiest product to find. I'm lucky enough to have a pharmacy that carries a lot of unusual or "natural" products, and they have a huge selection of fragrance free haircare. They're great. Hopefully there will be a store like that near you.

July 16th, 2014, 07:26 AM
I used to think the same about conditioners that they made my hair greasy. So for years I never ever used conditioner. And I look at pictures from back then, and you can SEE the splits all through my length, and my hair looks so dry! :eek: Fast forward 3 years and a huge chop, and now I'm doing CO washing! And scrunching a teeny bit of oil in my hair while wet. And my hair is never greasy, never weighed down. (I will clarify that I'm not using cones and I'm pretty sure if I did use a coney conditioner, build up would make it greasy and weighed down.) So maybe you need to just give conditioners a try again (and experiment with different ones), the results might just be completely different than what you're expecting!

Oh, and trust me, silky straight hair is not all that it's made up to be. I've got slippery hair (in spite of no cones) and I can't get it to stay up no matter what I do! :mad: You really do have to just accept your hair for the way it is; I'm still learning in that area though.

July 16th, 2014, 08:00 AM
Here's a YT channel that might help:

The first thing is, please try and accept your hairtype. Try and look for other YT channels that will guide you through how to take care of your hair, and there's many of those out there.

July 16th, 2014, 08:06 AM
That makes me so sad to hear. :( I've always liked kinky hair. There's such a fierceness to it, and while I do love my own hair (and I didn't always), it's certainly something I'll never have. I also love the straight flaxen hair that glides so easily -- another thing my Mediterranean self will never have! And of course, both kinkies and straighties have hair problems of their own, and look at my own nice waves and wish they had mine! I think all of us wish for things we don't have sometimes.

I understand what you mean about fragile hair. I trimmed my hair about a month ago, but I just took a look at the ends anchored from the bottom of my neck, and almost every single one of them is damaged or split because I get huge knots back there and I didn't used to be so gentle with my brush. I just trimmed, and I still had to S&D nearly every hair, some of them more than an inch up the shaft, because they were all damaged. I have very fine hair too which reacts negatively to almost everything. I highlighted it once, and the dyed hairs simply fell out. Lots of people wish they had my hair just like I used to wish I had other people's hair, but they don't realize how fragile it is and how hard it is to keep the ends healthy. It's also very grabby and it's hard to get it clean without using something overly harsh on it.

I think we all have hair frustrations. But I think maybe what's especially tough for kinky's is that there's so little guidance in our culture about how to care for their hair, whereas Caucasian hair types have more information out there. They just get pressured to relax it rather than taught how to care for the natural hair they have.

And of course, that's something I can't help very much with. I can just throw some suggestions out at the wall, and hope something helps you love your hair out of sheer luck, so that's what I'll do.

- Have you tried other kinds of oils? The much-loved coconut oil didn't work well for me. Apricot kernel oil did, which is something that's rarely mentioned. There's lots of types of oils.
- Are the teeth of your comb wide enough? Can you do a little wet finger-combing before you go at it with the comb?
- Have you tried coconut milk? Gentler shampoos? Natural conditioners?

I hope you find something that works for you soon and learn to love your hair.

July 16th, 2014, 12:05 PM
I hear you. A friend of mine has tangle-free, glossy, straight hair and flawless skin, and she just uses any old product. Me, I have tangle-and-break-prone, wavy hair, and the most sensitive skin that over-reacts to EVERYTHING. I once complained to a friend about this, and he simply said if we were all alike, the world would be a dull, dull place. I liked that answer and I think about it every time I get a "why can't this be like everybody else" thoughts.

I've since (mostly) accepted my hair and skin. I'm still learning what works and what doesn't, but the process is less frustrating. I do make mistakes though (recently I tried an all natural skin cleanser that supposedly caused no adverse reaction - haha, my skin begs to differ. It's all dry and flakey now and will take time to heal. Sexy)

Some things that have helped my hair - coconut or olive oil the night before a wash (only on the ends, not the scalp). Detangling with oil in my hair. Only detangling when absolutely necessary has saved my hair from breaking (at most twice a week), also finger-detangling really well before using a comb.

Aloe vera gel from the health food store- it makes hair grabby initially, but I find a day or two after my hair became very soft and slippery. I use it when putting my hair in braids or buns to help it stay, then, when I take them out, softy-mcsoft.

There is a method to suit everybody and every hair type. I hope you find one that makes you happy.

July 16th, 2014, 12:15 PM
I saw a girl today with 4 hair curl. her hair was about shoulder lenght and half of it was in a dutch braid on one side. I think she was looking so lovely and her hair was beautiful! I really hope you will find a good way for your hair to grow healthy and strong! I honestly think everyones hair can look beautiful! :flower:

Agnes Hannah
July 16th, 2014, 03:39 PM
I saw a girl with your hair type, it was midback and in the most gorgeous corkscrew curls cascading down her back. It was super shiny and glossy, my jaw just fell open. Honestly, it was really beautiful. You are lucky having this type of hair, I hope you can find a solution to finding the best routine for your hair. Good luck and let us know how you are getting on. Hugs x

July 17th, 2014, 11:16 AM
I appreciate the help everyone but I'm gonna just leave this site. I'm done. I will forever hate my hair texture. I don't have the money to buy the products. I don't have an income. I live with my mother. I had a brain injury in 2007 so I have to stay with my mother. Don't worry. Maybe one day in 20 years I might appreciate and love my hair texture or whatever. But for now, this is goodbye. Take care everyone on your journey. Mine is dead.

July 17th, 2014, 11:40 AM
I'm sorry you're so unhappy with your hair. :(

For what it's worth, you might get more out of one of the several forums dedicated to caring for "natural" 3- and 4-texture hair. Seeing more lovely examples of hair like yours might be easier than seeing the more varied hairtypes (which do tend to weight more to straight and wavy) around here.

Lots of love and hope that you can come to love yourself and your hair for what it is. A lot of us don't have hair that we personally consider ideal, most beautiful, easy to handle, and so on -- at the end of the day, you either learn to like what you have or you keep fighting with it. IMO, learning to like your hair (and yourself) as you are is one of the ways you can make your life better, even if none of the stressors ever change.

July 17th, 2014, 12:15 PM
I probably just missed the OP, but I get the feeling that it's not just her hair that she's depressed about. She wants Caucasian hair when her hair is the exact opposite of it. It's really common among a lot of minorities.

I wanted the "good" kind of Asian hair--straight, slippery and shiny black--for high school and some of college, because while I'm Asian, my hair is matte black and wavy. And then I started treating my hair appropriately and realized how stupid the idea of Asian Hair(TM) was.

However, internalized things like this are hard to break and I still go through days of hating my hair because it's such a hassle. Not just hating my hairtype, I hate my hair because it's different and barely any Asians or Asian-Americans in the media have curls or waves like mine. (I don't count heat-styled curls or waves, because it doesn't look like mine and they don't have to live with it every day.)

If you're still here long enough to read the other posts, Soullure: We can point you in a direction for better haircare (black-specific websites, generally curly-hair advice), but we can't make you feel good about your hair even though we'd like to. We can support you wherever your hair endeavors go, but it'll probably take a while for you to stop hating your hair.

July 17th, 2014, 12:57 PM
I'm sorry, I can't think of advice right now as having a bit of a brain lapse but I just wanted to say: I would KILL for your hair. Ever since I was younger I wanted type 4 hair, I always used to stare at an African American girl in front of me in assembly and long for her hair. Your hairtype is so beautiful and there are so many things you can do with it. Embrace it, you don't know how lucky you are!

July 17th, 2014, 02:57 PM
I appreciate the help everyone but I'm gonna just leave this site. I'm done. I will forever hate my hair texture. I don't have the money to buy the products. I don't have an income. I live with my mother. I had a brain injury in 2007 so I have to stay with my mother. Don't worry. Maybe one day in 20 years I might appreciate and love my hair texture or whatever. But for now, this is goodbye. Take care everyone on your journey. Mine is dead.

That's pretty harsh, and out of the blue. Have you tried looking at the YT link? Other YT videos? Why not find ways to deal with your hair. After all, it's something you're going to have to deal with.

July 19th, 2014, 10:54 AM
It would be worth having a hair analysis (eg. Goosefootprints on Etsy or Komaza Care) to find out your porosity, elasticity and coarseness. Then choose ingredients and products based on that - proteins can be a disaster for coarser hair for example.

A lot of products aimed at kinky-coily or afro type hair are heavy on oils, butters or silicones but that is not necessary and not best for detangling. A basic or 'true' conditioner should be rich in fatty alcohols and cationic surfactants: these are water miscible so not greasy unless you overdo things. The behentrimoniums and certain liquid oils are known for their slip, butters not so much. Kinky Curly Knot Today is not a true conditioner but it does have other slippery ingredients (eg. marshmallow) and is not at all greasy.

Consider only detangling with fingers or a very wide tooth/ double row comb when hair is wet and slathered in a slippy conditioner. This may mean wetting your hair down more often than you need to shampoo.

July 19th, 2014, 11:28 AM
If your still out there I wanted to say that its hard at first accepting your natural texture and then learning to care for it, it will get better! I too am in love with all of the lovely straight and wavy hair thats out there, but you have to learn to love your texture as well. What helps me is looking at pictures of long curly hair similar to my own texture for inspiration. There are many many drop dead gorgeous 3 and 4's that have amazing hair, and what makes it even more lovely is time and effort it takes to grow such lovely locks. Stay positive, its good for your health and also your hair! :blossom: