bridesmaid hair dilemma

[EvelynMay]

soooooo... I'm really no expert when it comes to being in weddings. The only one of my closest friends who is married actually eloped! So I've never been in a wedding as a bridesmaid before. My sister, whom I'm not super close to, is getting married later this year. I had her in my wedding and I will be in hers. It made me start to wonder what she might want her bridemaids to do with their hair. Having never been in a wedding besides my own, I really have no idea what the typical protocol is. For my wedding I just told my bridesmaids they could do whatever they wanted with their hair. But I always see shows and pictures others post on facebook and whatnot of the bride going to the salon with her bridesmaids and them getting their hair done together. I have no problem making my hair look nice down done myself. I know no heat ways to make my hair looks awesome and curly when down pretty easily. Having it up and looking professional would be a bit more difficult for me to do to myself... but probably doable. But what if she wants us to have them professionally done? I don't do heat, hairspray, pulling and tugging from strangers with bobby pins and hair elastics and ripping everywhere.

I was so relaxed with my bridesmaid's hair in my wedding, but I know that this may not be the norm. I know it's silly, but it's already starting to give me anxiety! Since we aren't super close I feel weird asking her about it this far out, and I can see her possibly being upset that I'd want to deviate from the norm. I don't know... I know I may have to give in just this one time and grin and bear it. I realize it may come down to that. But I just wonder with all the different types of people on this forum, and those that swear off salons and heat and hairspray and whatnot, have any of you super protective of your hair ever been in a wedding and if so how did the bride dictate your hair and how did you handle it? Just looking for experiences :D I'm just trying to slowly prepare mysef lol.

[Nesoi]

I've been a bridesmaid three times. Only once did I have my hair 'done' by the bride's hair person, and I was a kid then. Every other time I've just put it up in a nice bun. I think I spoke to the brides about it but I don't recall any drama. At one wedding I was doing everyone's hair anyway, including the bride!

For my wedding I also did a bun (a fancy side one, I had WL hair then) and I did all my bmaids hair too, in whatever style they liked. I didn't care.

The thing to remember is weddings tend to magnify tiny details into world wars. For the sake of an easy life I would try to remember that it's your hair but it's her wedding ;) So if you can go along with what she wants WITHOUT causing actual damage to your hair (which for one day is v unlikely) then do it, just for an easy life. Obviously if she wants to shave your head and dye her name in the stubble that's a different issue ;) But I'd be surprised if she was all crazy about it. Or maybe I've just been lucky!

I'm sure she wouldn't mind you asking :) Most brides love talking about their own weddings!

[hairpleasegrow]

If it is giving you anxiety possibly talk to the bride and see what her feelings are. Keep it positive and about her. Tell her how excited you are about her wedding. Be up front and say you want to respect her wishes but you would really like to do your hair yourself.

If you think she may be picky then have a couple pictures of examples of hairstyles that you can send her to review. Ask her why she thinks of them and which one she prefers. Let her feel like she's in control. This way you have control over the outcome as well.

[EvelynMay]

I feel like the only way it could be a huge issue is if she wants all her bridesmaids to have a specific same style of hair, objecting to that would be a pretty big no no. THough that gives me HUGE anxiety. She actually has short hair, so there goes the hope of someone being able to do casually our hair in cute buns and what not like Nesoi described. I loved that you did that, by the way!! Do brides ever request uniformity in hair? I mean, I can't imagine we'd all have the same hair length... I only know of 2 other bridesmaids so far and one has very short hair and the other shoulder length. So I guess it'd be pretty difficult to ask us all to have the exact same hairstyle now that I think about it. But who knows. If she wanted a certain accessory in our hair like a flower or something I'd be all for that! Unfortunately I'm not super skilled like so many ladies are on here are with putting up their hair so beautifully in so many intricate styles, I ALWAYS wear my hair down and when I occasionally want it to look nice I just throw in some giant foam curlers and let my hair dry in them. So I'm not great at updos, but I could practice for a couple months beforehand here and there. And it just donned on me (dawned?) I could just go through my mom and secretly ask her what she thinks my sister will do about hair haha. I think i'll broach the subject with her first.

[Nesoi]

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where all the maids had identical hairstyles. If you all have different lengths then I'm sure it won't be an issue. I made matching fascinators for my bmaids which they all wore even through their hair was very different. It looked fine. You're bridesmaids, not identical triplets!

I'm sure whatever you choose to do with your hair will look beautiful. Long hair worn down always looks beautiful! I can't speak for other brides but I was kind of lazy about my bmaids, lol. I bought their dresses and made their fascinators but then I just left them to it in terms of their hairstyles, shoes, jewellery. I was much more concerned with what I looked like. I was the bride, dangit! ;)

[EvelynMay]

hairpleasegrow that is a really good idea. Asking her what she wants, but within the realm of things I could (hopefully) do myself.

I wish I had a friend who was good at doing long hair!

[Anje]

I've been a bridesmaid in exactly one wedding, and we went to a stylist to have our hair put into similar updos. I expressed to the stylist that I was growing my hair and preferred to have minimal heat and no teasing done to it. She was completely supportive, complimented the condition of my hair, and turned the temperature on her heat tools way down. I ended up with about a half-can of hairspray and 63 (if I remember the count right) bobby pins in my hair, but no damage.

Hairspray's not that bad, but don't comb/brush it out. Just take your hair down and head for the shower. Shampoo it out.

[two_wheels]

Mostly I agree with Nesoi that one-time use of a blowdryer/hairspray is unlikely to kill your hair.

I was under pressure to get my hair done for my own wedding :taz: I told them that if I use heat/tools on my hair, it goes fuzzy after an hour or so and looks bad, and that I didn't want to look bad in photos so I'd better do it myself. Mission accomplished mwahahahaha. To be fair, the fuzz-story is actually true. Two hours max, then poof.

I would go to the stylist, tell them what Anje suggests, and then if they get snippy, use my little 'but fuzzy special hair' tactic :) The bride is probably stressed enough at this point.

[Jennwith4]

I would ask her ASAP so that you could find a way to compromise with each other long before the stress builds and she has many other things that clamor for her attention. I had to do something similar for my sisters wedding. Not with hair but with the dresses. Everyone compromised and the wedding was great. :) good luck!

[monsoonstorm]

If they are doing a co-ordinated style and it involves curls, I'd speak to the hairdresser first and ask if you can go in with your hair already curled (so no curling tongs) and just have them do the style with those.

Hairspray won't be an issue, it will wash out, it won't damage your hair unless you try to rake a comb through it afterwards.

I can't think of why they'd need a hair drier (unless they were having a little salon treatment morning or something).

Don't worry too much, talk to the bride to find out if it is co-ordinated (if not no worries), and if it is then find out the name of the hairdresser. It may be worth paying for a session or two out of your own pocket with that hairdresser so that she can practise without her usual arsenal, and you can find ways to work together.

[AmyBeth]

Most stylists will try to accommodate the client and find a way to please the bride and you! If you go to a stylist make sure to do a thorough consultation well before the wedding so you know that she/he is on the same page. As I recall, the George Michael salons do all their heat styling with bonnet dryers and get lovely, hair friendly results. That is an option for you to talk about.

[HintOfMint]

I was a bridesmaid once for my best friend's wedding, and basically, if we had long hair, we had it half up with curls and the bangs done however we liked. One of the bridesmaids had a platinum blonde pixie, so she just got a pretty lace headband instead. There was absolutely no asking to cut or dye our hair, although the hairdresser used hot rollers to curl our hair. I'm sure if I came in with my hair already curled and set, it wouldn't have been an issue.

[Hairitic]

If she really wants you all to have you all get dolled up at a salon, you could have your hair washed, conditioned and curled when you go in. Speak to the stylist a few days ahead and let him/her know that you do NOT want heat, teasing (back-combing), hairspray, bobby pins, etc. let the stylist know you can bring u-pins or what have you for her to use. Also, emphasize that you want them to be GENTLE. If you speak to the person with respect and kindness, they should be happy to respect your wishes. Of course, you want to make sure you are early for your appt. so they don't have to rush. Best wishes for a happy time at your sister wedding!

[Goodwyfe]

Why not just ask her if she has any preference for how you style your hair at the wedding "so you will have plenty of time to practice." Don't suggest you won't comply. Just see what she says. It may be perfectly doable and no cause for months of needless anxiety. Seriously, talk to her ASAP and get this off your mind.

[RapunzelKat]

I've been a bridesmaid twice, and had my hair done by a stylist both times. One session of rough salon handling won't hurt your hair if that's what your sister wants :) It can actually be a lot of fun for all the girls to hang out together and get ready. Do be careful when taking it down though! It will probably require a bit of time and care if a lot of hairspray is used.

Do talk to your sister ahead of time. It's a perfectly reasonable question, and the you won't have to worry about it any more :flower:

[ashke50]

When I got married I spoke to my bridesmaids and agreed on a hairstyle for them all which they could do themselves. It did involve some heat, but none of them were trying to grow their hair out, so they didn't mind. I've been a bridesmaid twice, the first time my friend didn't mind at all what we did with our hair, and the second one we've just been asked to include a plait somewhere in whatever we do, the rest is up to us.
As others have said, it is worth asking the bride sooner rather than later - she may not have thought about it, or she may not mind what you do. Even if she has something specific in mind, as long as it isn't something crazy it shouldn't cause much damage. You'll be fine!