My Opinion of My Hair vs My Mother's

[mary*rose]

My hair is greasy. If I put some effort into it, I could probably form some sort of routine that combines non-greasy hair with only having to "wash" it twice a week, but I'm lazy, so I stick with a combination of CO, Head and Shoulders, and tea tree oil. Which keeps the dandruff at bay and allows me to grow my hair, which are really the only two things that matter to me. The only issue is the greasy-ness, which I'm ok with, as I rarely leave it down. In buns and braids, it simply looks like I have product in my hair (to me, at least).

Not so with my mother. Who is ruler of the universe, if anyone would like to know. We got into a spat recently, so I'm a little resentful. She constantly comments on my hair, saying how terrible and dirty it looks, and has been doing so for nigh on a year. When my dandruff was bad, she threatened to shave off my head because she couldn't tell the difference between lice and dandruff. I did a little research, modified my hair care routine, and now I have no dandruff. But she continues to comment on its appearance. I'm really tired of it, as she will never compliment me on my length or hairstyles, unless I prompt it (which isn't really the point of a compliment). I know my hair isn't ugly, because 1. I say so, and 2. I get compliments from people where I work. I just really wish she would stop with the negativity and finding problems with the things I enjoy.

[bunnylake]

Tell her to take a hike.
Seriously. Your hair isn't anyone else's business, not even your mothers. If you like it, that's all that matters. She's probably just nitpicking. Who cares what she thinks?

[Fericera]

If you're getting compliments at work then obviously it's not so bad. She sounds like she's just a controlling person. When it comes down to it, if it's your hair and you're taking care of it, only your opinion matters. I hope she gets over it so it doesn't have to be such a problem between you both.

I also have known many people who wash their hair every day and it looks greasy/shiny just because of the product they put in, so don't you worry and enjoy your hair care routine how you like it. :)

[woodswanderer]

You should probably just follow your gut or ask a trusted friend. My mom is death on even a hint of grease.

[Nadine <3]

My mom does this too... She just about DIED when I put a few bottles of just conditioner into my basket at the store. I explained to her CO washing and she (I kid you not) turned purple. If it's a little greasy/flat she'll tell me. I usually say yeah I know, I'm washing to tonight. She thinks I'm dirty but I don't really care...I still wash my body and my head doesn't stink. I don't even let it get that greasy.

[Duchess Fuzzy Buns]

I like woodswanderer's idea- ask a close friend if you feel like you want another opinion on whether it really looks greasy or if it's just your mom nitpicking. Otherwise, I'd say just ignore her comments as best you can. :lala: Your opinion is obviously the one that matters when it comes to your hair. If it''s any consolation, my mom threatened to shave my head numerous times (but never did). :bigtongue:

[ARG]

I know my hair isn't ugly, because 1. I say so, and 2. I get compliments from people where I work. I just really wish she would stop with the negativity and finding problems with the things I enjoy.

Bolded what I wanted to reinforce. Mother's can be a bit more opinionated on hair, it was their job for a few years to make sure you looked neat and tidy, so if you're doing what they would do, they can take it personally*.

We grow our hair for ourselves, and we take care of our hair the way we feel is best for it. Hair health, like personal health, is not a one size fits all routine.
I want to congratulate you on your ability to find a formula that works for you, and even more so for accepting your scalp for the way it is, and not trying compromise its health to fit someones ideals of what you should be doing.

My mom used to make comments on my going out in public with "greasy" hair, I reminded her that it was my hair, and no one would judge her on it.



*Disclaimer: Not all mothers are like that in the slightest.

[AmyBeth]

My mother (rest her soul) used to always be after me to cut my hair. "All it ever does is hang there!" Well, what is it supposed to do, recite Hamlet's soliloquy? Your mom would have a fit if she could see my hair on a normal day. I only wash once a week, and am constantly oiling it, so it does look visibly greasy, even though I wear it up all the time. My hair loves oil, and I believe that the oiliness really protects my very fine fragile hair from the elements. When I want it to look really nice, I wash it and wear it down and it looks incredibly silky and shiny and healthy. I really don't care a fig what others may think of it because I am much more motivated by my own desire to have long healthy hair than what anyone else wants. Mom would just have to deal with it. If DH ever complained, I think I would be very hurt and I don't know how I would react, because his opinion actually DOES count, in my book. Luckily he wholeheartedly supports my efforts to grow as long as it will go, and has even joined in to grow his own, though not with quite the same intensity as I. I think if he didn't like it, I would just be hurt, but I don't think I would change my routine at all.

[cathair]

My Mum is just the same. She goes through periods of holding her tongue, but she is never happy with my hair. It used to be greasy and ratty. Now it's going white and I put it up a lot, she switched to telling me how old is makes me look. She used to hate it down because it was 'messy and unprofessional', now she gets excited if I wear it down because I don't look so 'old'. Can't win.

I'm sure your hair is just fine, she just feels she has the right to make comments because you are her daughter. I wish that all mothers could be happy with their daughter's hair so long as they are happy with it, but I don't think it will ever happen! Much empathy and many :grouphug:

[queenovnight]

I've never had my mother insult my hair, but she has done some rude things. Such as, I hadn't seen her in 3 years -my hair was around shoulder length the last time I did- and when I seen her again, my hair was quite long. My stepfather said "Your hair has gotten so long and beautiful!" And my mother rolled her eyes and said "When I was younger, my hair was longer." She's also made remarks like "Long hair isn't pretty if it's unhealthy and stringy." Just completely unnecessary things. I no longer speak to her, so I don't have to hear it xD But I sympathize with those of you who have nagging mothers! XD Sometimes you just gotta ignore those around you. It's YOUR hair, and if you like it.. that's all that matter.

[DweamGoiL]

I am not sure how old you are because it's even harder if you are young enough to be forced to live with the overcritical parent. My mom and I never had a great relationship because she had 'that' type of personality. She always criticized me and all her unhappiness in life, her personal failures, and her own perceived inadequacies were directed towards me. I grew up in this and never realized that it was her that had a problem until I was much older. She has been gone for several years now and although I have learned to forgive her, I finally have peace and positivity in my life.

Sadly, you can't change people and you should not go out of your way to please her. She needs to accept you as you are. If you want to do something with your hair and she's not on board, well, that is just too bad. You can listen to her opinions, but take them with a grain of salt. They are not coming from a place of uplifting you and helping you build a healthy self-esteem. They are years of unresolved personal damage being directed at you. Not everyone is brave enough to deal head on with their own personal baggage. Keep your head up and take solace that others support your decision and method to take care of your hair!

[meteor]

mary*rose, you know your hair better than anybody else. *You* love it and you are getting hair compliments. Yes, it's a pity that your mom doesn't like it, it would be cool if she'd focus on her own hair instead. Don't let her comments get to you. :) Personally, I tend to get most hair compliments when my hair is heavily oiled, and oily hair strangely looks way better on photos, so I think many people don't have a very specific idea of what greasy/dirty hair even looks like.


I've never had my mother insult my hair, but she has done some rude things. Such as, I hadn't seen her in 3 years -my hair was around shoulder length the last time I did- and when I seen her again, my hair was quite long. My stepfather said "Your hair has gotten so long and beautiful!" And my mother rolled her eyes and said "When I was younger, my hair was longer." She's also made remarks like "Long hair isn't pretty if it's unhealthy and stringy." Just completely unnecessary things.
If that's not jealousy, I don't know what is! :lol: Sorry, I don't want to sound bitchy, but I would just laugh and say: "Mom, don't worry! You are still young and beautiful! No need to insult me to feel better about yourself!" :D

[cdonald2]

I've never had my mother insult my hair, but she has done some rude things. Such as, I hadn't seen her in 3 years -my hair was around shoulder length the last time I did- and when I seen her again, my hair was quite long. My stepfather said "Your hair has gotten so long and beautiful!" And my mother rolled her eyes and said "When I was younger, my hair was longer." She's also made remarks like "Long hair isn't pretty if it's unhealthy and stringy." Just completely unnecessary things. I no longer speak to her, so I don't have to hear it xD But I sympathize with those of you who have nagging mothers! XD Sometimes you just gotta ignore those around you. It's YOUR hair, and if you like it.. that's all that matter.


sounds like shes jealous more than anything.

[Monsoonu]

my mother constantly insults my hair telling my to cut it as it not professional and telling me now I'm 30 I should cut it into a nice bob like my sister and her!

However one evening I ran into her while she was out with friends and a little tipsy and she really laid into me about it and I couldn't hold my tongue any longer and told her what I thought her bob did for her (think dated shape and lifeless hair with no bounce etc) - I then complimented her friend (who had BL hair) an left the pub.

At the end of the day its just jealousy and all you can do is ignore them.

[Agnes Hannah]

\my mum insults mine too, she says I look old when its in a bun and she tells me that she wants to pull it out.

[Feathered]

I'm sorry you have this problem concerning your mother. It makes me sad to hear it. My mother doesn't criticize me so harshly, but she has been very clear in her dislike of long hair on me-or anyone else for that matter- because in her opinion it looks "stringy" and messy. I'm a very sensitive person and also love my mom very much, so I just had to ignore her opinion, do as I pleased, and realize it's just her opinion about hair and isn't directed to me personally. I'll never understand why some people think it's ok to negatively judge others hairstyles "out loud". It's just so rude. In the end, it's your hair and your decision, however. Grow it long, wash it when you want, and be happy! :)

[Sharysa]

My mom nags me about my hair as well. I redo my braids too much, I look childish in pigtails, I look old or old-fashioned when it's down, my hair is messy when it's wavy, and I should either perm or straighten it so it looks better, and recently she told me that I should cut it straight and blunt instead of the fairy-taled u-hem that I really like because it finally got rid of my triangle-head. (And lop about three inches off, but she always says that.)

1) I like braids and pigtails are very convenient. And unless fixing my braids actually inconveniences myself or other people (which it doesn't), so what if I like redoing my hair a lot?
2) I don't look old when it's down, I look like most other girls with long hair. And if I do look older, that's actually a bonus because NO MORE BEING MISTAKEN FOR A TEEN.
3) Messy hair (and braids) are in right now, and I'd still like the boho look even if they weren't. Sorry, Mom.
4) Blunt cuts mean triangle head because my hair's wavy AND thick. No more blunt cuts for me.

Generally, moms tend to like what was in style when THEY were younger. Or they're just never content with anything, in my mom's case. So I just don't stress about it and I make sure she never gets a chance to cut my hair.

[Mainesongbird]

That is a sucky situation. I'm sorry! Your hair your prerogative. I guess I'm lucky, my mom is sort of a hippie, all through my life we've only washed our hair once a week and when it is greasier, we do braids and such. We always get compliments as to how nice our hair is. She gives me compliments on my braids and such! Be you! The hair in your avatar is beautiful! =D

[fiðrildi]

It seems to me that she could be jealous of your hair? If you get compliments, then you can be sure that your hair is not "as bad" as your mother pictures it ;)
Anyway, you should not worry about what your mother thinks about it, or the comments she makes; you don't have to please anyone about your appearance, just yourself! So, next time she makes a negative comment about your hair, why not calmly tell her: "thank you for your opinion, but I like the way my hair looks".
Mothers are a little weird sometimes, mine sometimes keeps telling me that my hair looks awful and greasy, and that I should cut it... I just let her know that her opinion is just an opinion, and that keeping my hair the way I like is my choice.
She also used to call me "dirty" when I stopped shampooing (I co-wash), and later she realized that co-washing doesn't mean having dirty hair... now she is a co-washer too.
Mothers can be wrong sometimes! :pinktongue:

[Hrtchoco]

Personally, I really dislike greasy hair, so I can't say I disagree with your mother. The problem is not really her opinion, it's her approach. You really should have a serious talk with her and tell her you know she is just trying to help, but her method is really hurtful.

When comes to my mom, if she sees something about me she doesn't like, she points it out. I actually really appreciate her honesty. I don't always agree with her, but I always like to listen to her opinion. Good thing about my mom is she also compliments me all the time. That way I know she's just looking out for me.

[jacqueline101]

I wouldn't get rude with your mom just ignore her rude hurtful comments. If you like your hair that's all that matters. Besides the co workers and people around you like it so there are more fans then haters.

[LoveAngelBeauty]

This would be a hard situation for me because I still really crave my mom's approval of the things I do and I also really trust her opinion so if she told me my hair looked bad, I'd believe it and try to change it. She was after my sister for a long time about her hair and my sister's hair did actually look really bad and eventually much of it broke off due to lack of care. Basically, if she mom says something is off, I believe her.

[lapushka]

My mother (rest her soul) used to always be after me to cut my hair. "All it ever does is hang there!" Well, what is it supposed to do, recite Hamlet's soliloquy?

LOL, that is the best! :lol:

[Platzhalter]

Sorry... no ideas how to help with that issue. But I have those issues and arguments you mention quite often. Ignoring sounds great, but doesn't really work when you come home and the first thing you hear is some insult about how unkempt and icky your hair is. Gets even weirder when a very skeptical friend who usually makes jokes about your hair states that it feels and smells good... contrary to her exceptions.
But there's some advice I can give... never even think about letting her wash your hair once just to calm the situation. It may work and could leave you with hair that's still okay. But it won't. Ended up with dull, fuzzy hair that looked like a prime example of 80s backcombing revived. Definitely unkempt... and dry of course. Bearable... unless you want to go out for the night.

[lapushka]

My mom takes care of my hair (due to a disability) and so she comes into contact with it pretty often. Right now I'm growing between hip to TBL and it's a little more challenging to take care of. Naturally, I have to take the comments on board because well, I'm not the one putting in all the effort. I told her I'd really like to make it to TBL though, and she understands. But once it starts to get a little too hard to manage, off it goes, I'm serious.

[swearnsue]

Some mothers cannot be happy with us no matter what we do. If she didn't have your hair to complain about, then she would focus on your weight, either too thin or too fat. Then there are things like clothes, music, friends, grades etc. until infinity.

[mary*rose]

AmyBeth, that's funny :D I agree, oil really helps my hair. It makes it easier to comb and braid, and it works like product, if I want it to stay in place (sort of - it more prevents flyaways)
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DweamGoiL, unfortunately, I'm an adult but I have to live at home to commute to college. But I have a very similar issue with her taking out her issues on her family. I just have to figure out how to deal with it, I think.
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meteor, if I gave that kind of sass, I would be ignored for a WEEK. Oh, my gosh, I'm a sassy person, but never to my mom. She goes off the wall.

I love getting hair compliments. They're so reassuring :3
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Mainesongbird Hippie adults are cool. I have a hippie for a dad :)

Thanks for the compliment! I actually need to update it. That's a couple years old.
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Hrtchoco, Sometimes, I appreciate her opinion, too, when I ask for it, but not unbidden. And constant.
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Thanks for all the feedback, everyone!