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View Full Version : I so so want to know what makes people say things.



PiXiEmandy
June 15th, 2014, 11:11 PM
OK at work I wore my hair down a co worker came up to me and said wow your hairs so amazing and healthy(smiling good comment ever)
THEN she says you should cut it soon its not very fashionable for your age? really? am i the only one that gets comments like that.

Dessi
June 15th, 2014, 11:22 PM
I've heard that comments too. I think they say it because of jealousy.

vulgarshudder
June 15th, 2014, 11:42 PM
Classic jealousy, start out with a compliment then stab you in the back with that sting in the end. I guess the opposite of a backhanded compliment.

thistledown
June 16th, 2014, 01:08 AM
Argh. People suck sometimes :(

Flor
June 16th, 2014, 01:23 AM
I think the first part was her own genuine reaction and the second is just brainwashed stereotypes speaking. I came to realize that so many people say what they think are their own opinions, while in reality it's just what they're been told to believe. It's quite common to think that long hair is only for teenage girls and the older you get, the shorter your hair should be. Back in the old days in many societies it would mean - wearing hair up or covered, especially after getting married. Now it seems like the tradition still stands, except they came up with less sexist way of selling it to us, aka "what is fashionable" ;) Take the compliment (I'm sure she meant it), leave behind the stereotype! :)

lauren_alia
June 16th, 2014, 01:28 AM
I think the first part was her own genuine reaction and the second is just brainwashed stereotypes speaking. I came to realize that so many people say what they think are their own opinions, while in reality it's just what they're been told to believe. It's quite common to think that long hair is only for teenage girls and the older you get, the shorter your hair should be. Back in the old days in many societies it would mean - wearing hair up or covered, especially after getting married. Now it seems like the tradition still stands, except they came up with less sexist way of selling it to us, aka "what is fashionable" ;) Take the compliment (I'm sure she meant it), leave behind the stereotype! :)

I like the way you put that. :thumbsup: Very good point.
I'm pretty sure people just don't think sometimes before they open their mouths.

Sarahlabyrinth
June 16th, 2014, 02:44 AM
Yes, I'm sure that people often use their mouth before the brain has a chance to engage...We just had a relative of SO stay a few days with us - she is American. She saw my hair, said it was long - then came THE QUESTION - "Are you going to donate it for kids with cancer?" I replied - politely - "No."

Bitstuff
June 16th, 2014, 02:57 AM
I don't think that jealousy is the reason as frequently as we like to think. I agree with Flor that it's stereotypes. I've only just turned 30 so I expect to start hearing these comments soon ;) I love asking these kinds of people to question their assumptions. They won't change their minds but it's a good exercise anyway.

I get it, it can be comforting to fit in but look at nature - there is so much variety and uniqueness, why do people struggle for uniformity? I think I answered my own question, haha.

Tall Blond(ish)
June 16th, 2014, 03:06 AM
No one has ever said that to me, but I would probably have responded with something like, "I guess unsolicited advice never goes out of style."

Dessi
June 16th, 2014, 03:17 AM
I don't think that jealousy is the reason as frequently as we like to think. I agree with Flor that it's stereotypes. I've only just turned 30 so I expect to start hearing these comments soon ;) I love asking these kinds of people to question their assumptions. They won't change their minds but it's a good exercise anyway.

I get it, it can be comforting to fit in but look at nature - there is so much variety and uniqueness, why do people struggle for uniformity? I think I answered my own question, haha.

You're right, when I said it's because of jealousy I was talking about when people say you should cut your hair (not just because of your age, but to donate it for example). But I guess when they say it because of your age then it wouldn't be because they're jealous. Anyways, I think nobody should pay attention to these comments.

leilani
June 16th, 2014, 03:35 AM
I think it's a 20th century way of thinking of women's hair being shorter as you age. I think because women find a hairstyle they think is stylish and looks good when they are young and they stick with it! The latter part of the 20th century was filled with little old ladies with short, permed hair, for example. Back in the 80s and 90s I remember my grandmother wore her hair the way young women of her day wore it decades prior, in a short coiffed bouffant. She stuck with that until she died. So did a ton of women, giving the general stereotype that is still hanging on even though those little old ladies are largely now gone (my granny would have been over 100 if she were still alive). My mother was in her twenties in the late sixties through late seventies and wore her hair very long and flowing, flowers in it and all that hippy jazz. She is now 68 and wears her hair long still. So I think we'll see more gray haired and white haired ladies with flowing hair from here on out and that stereotype will dissipate a lot.

However, of course shorter hair can be easier to manage in some ways, and if it's thick and heavy, can be more pleasant on the head than a lot of weight pulling at the scalp. Middle aged women are of the sandwich generation taking care of their kids who are still young and their ageing parents and usually working full time as well and just not up for a lot of focus on a mass of hair. Senior aged women may have arthritis issues (my mom has rheumatoid arthritis) so pain in their joints and washing and styling a lot of hair can be uncomfortable, so may opt for shorter hair that is a bit easier to wash and dry. So there will always be some older women with less flowing manes, but I think also more and more older women with flowing manes because of the styles of the second half of the 20th century being so much longer than most of the first half.

leilani
June 16th, 2014, 03:39 AM
No one has ever said that to me, but I would probably have responded with something like, "I guess unsolicited advice never goes out of style."

I love that. Gotta remember that if I ever hear such a snide remark.
OP- pay no attention to comments like these, it was mean and showed a remarkable lack of class on her part.

Sarahlabyrinth
June 16th, 2014, 03:43 AM
Hmmm....I might have said "But why do we ALL have to be fashionable?" with a charming smile.

Bitstuff
June 16th, 2014, 04:05 AM
You're right, when I said it's because of jealousy I was talking about when people say you should cut your hair (not just because of your age, but to donate it for example). But I guess when they say it because of your age then it wouldn't be because they're jealous. Anyways, I think nobody should pay attention to these comments.

Yes, ignore them because haters gonna hate :)

No doubt jealousy leads to plenty of ugly words. Passive aggressive comments about long hair, though, remind me that some people really do think that hair past a certain arbitrary length is gross or creepy.

Loviatar
June 16th, 2014, 04:08 AM
What makes people say things like that? Well, all kinds of things. Envy, stupidity, thoughtlessness, no control over keeping their inner monologue quiet, being opinionated, pushiness, stereotyping others, just generally wanting to act rude, subconsciously acting rude... And a whole lot more I'm sure! Opinions are like bums, everyone has one but that doesn't mean you have to get it out in public :)

jacqueline101
June 16th, 2014, 05:21 AM
Because she's jealous of you. I don't get jealous comments on that but I get it in other aspects of my life. Learn to ignore the haters in brace your hair.

chen bao jun
June 16th, 2014, 06:34 AM
Yes, leilani, you summed it up so well. I too remember those old ladies with the short haircuts, pearls and fur collared coats-- I didn't realize until much later that it was 1920's and 1930's style fossilized. so of course their daughters (now grandmothers) associate it with old age. And its true what we see now in (many, not all)older ladies are hippie styles. Eternal jeans and flowing hair. What's funny to me is how so many of the very young girls use buns-albeit messy buns so much. My grandmother (born in 1898) would never have used a bun of any kind-that said 'old lady' to her. Everyone avoids what they think of as 'old lady' which is usually just the previous generations (or 2 generations ago) style--and then what THEIR generation all does impresses the young as 'old lady' and gets avoided in its turn.

One thing to add-people in America also avoid what says 'immigrant'. To many immigrants it was the height of having arrived to be able to go to a hairdresser, instead of keeping long hair which said 'old country' and 'traditional society' to them. Ergo, short hair. Anyone with 20th century ancestors from Italy, Eastern Europe (Jewish) and so forth is going to have a mother who doesn't like to see long hair in a braid--and you can see the same thing happening now in recent immigrants-Asian indians and South Americans--the recent arrivals cluster together still wearing their long hair and their Americanized children won't have anything to do with long hair at all and in the case of Asian Indians (with a few exceptions) can actually get really offended if asked why they keep their long hair, which has now become a stereotype about their community. And other things can play in too. I know there's a girl on this forum of South Asian descent who keeps getting told by people that they want her hair as extensions or that people will hate her and want her hair as extensions--function of the Chris Rock movie showing Tiripati temple and all the ladies being shorn for extensions....That must be beyond annoying, I hope she keeps her beautiful hair.

I think it's a 20th century way of thinking of women's hair being shorter as you age. I think because women find a hairstyle they think is stylish and looks good when they are young and they stick with it! The latter part of the 20th century was filled with little old ladies with short, permed hair, for example. Back in the 80s and 90s I remember my grandmother wore her hair the way young women of her day wore it decades prior, in a short coiffed bouffant. She stuck with that until she died. So did a ton of women, giving the general stereotype that is still hanging on even though those little old ladies are largely now gone (my granny would have been over 100 if she were still alive). My mother was in her twenties in the late sixties through late seventies and wore her hair very long and flowing, flowers in it and all that hippy jazz. She is now 68 and wears her hair long still. So I think we'll see more gray haired and white haired ladies with flowing hair from here on out and that stereotype will dissipate a lot.

PiXiEmandy
June 16th, 2014, 10:15 AM
Thank you! You are all the best!!!

queenovnight
June 16th, 2014, 10:36 AM
It could very well be jealousy. I've had remarks like "How long are you growing it? Too long just looks ratty." and stuff like that. It always comes from women with short hair though.

Feathered
June 16th, 2014, 10:37 AM
I've often wondered why some think it's incredibly rude to insult someone's choice of clothing, but will turn around and say the exact same thing about someone's hair needing to be cut in order to be more fashionable. How is that not just as rude? I've always liked the old saying, "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.". Besides, I enjoy seeing different personal styles. It makes things more interesting. Everyone looking the same everywhere is really boring.

PiXiEmandy
June 16th, 2014, 10:39 AM
Thats one of the reasons I am loving it here we are all so so very different !And we seam to be very helpful!!!!

chen bao jun
June 16th, 2014, 11:59 AM
Whether its jealousy, or parroting things they have heard or honestly not liking longer hair, there is no reason for this diarrhea of the mouth. the person cannot really think they are being helpful when they say something like this and neither can they possibly think that hearing their opinion is going to make you suddenly 'see the light' and go out and cut your hair. So there is no point to this--except that it makes someone else feel bad. Even if its not intended that way, a moment's thought would show that that will be the only result--and why would you want someone else to feel bad? Is your opinion that important?

StellaKatherine
June 16th, 2014, 12:26 PM
I know there's a girl on this forum of South Asian descent who keeps getting told by people that they want her hair as extensions or that people will hate her and want her hair as extensions--function of the Chris Rock movie showing Tiripati temple and all the ladies being shorn for extensions....That must be beyond annoying, I hope she keeps her beautiful hair.

Oh I have this happening to me! Cooworkers and even close friends have said to me, that they want my hair for extentions WHEN ( not if ) I finally decide to cut it short! It makes me go nuts!!!

I few years ago I had my hair almost at a classical lenght an cut it because I felt pressure to cut. People were saying , that at my late 20s I wasn't a young girl anymore. That it was time to get a good haircut. So I did and I hated it ! I cry so badly after coming from the hairdresser.... Now my hair is again at TB lenght and I finally feeling like myself again :D

meteor
June 16th, 2014, 12:34 PM
I suspect a lot of this has to do with stereotypical social/cultural expectations. I know some long-haired Natives and East-Indians and when we discussed hair, they told me that in their long lives no one EVER asked them if they will cut their hair and donate it. But long-haired Caucasians are often expected to have an "excuse" (like being a teenager or being religious or growing it to donate) to keep hair long.

arelrios
June 16th, 2014, 12:37 PM
I had this happened to me a few weeks ago... mind you, my hair it's not the longest (trying to reach waist) My coworker said in a not very nice tone: "your hair is so long"... and made a face...

Yes, my hair it's not at its best condition as I am trying to experiment with routines and find my way to healthier hair, but that doesn't mean people can say things making faces or in a tone that sounds disrespectful (I personally found the comment offensive)...

bunnylake
June 16th, 2014, 12:53 PM
I'll never understand why some people feel the need to voice their opinions about other people's bodies. Unless they are complimenting you, it's just flat out rude. I cannot imagine doing it myself. I work with a woman whose hair is FRIED to a crisp! But I would never say anything to her about it unless she asked me for advice, at which point I would respectfully offer my knowledge WITHOUT insulting her.
Ugh.
Humans.

molljo
June 16th, 2014, 01:44 PM
I don't think it's jealousy or envy as much as people say. I think it has to do with policing people's bodies. Hair that's reached a certain length on someone that's reached a certain age (and this changes all the time) becomes deviant and abnormal, no matter how pretty it is. I also think there's an element of societal shaming that happens usually with women. Take a look at any women's magazine cover at the grocery store. Everyone needs to lose 10 lbs for bikini season, no matter how thin you are. Here's all the new products and tools to achieve beachy waves, even if your hair's already wavy. It all comes down to the idea that what you have and what you're doing simply isn't good enough. Buy more things and conform to the new trend! And so we get these silly, insulting comments from other women, because they're told they aren't good enough either, because if they're putting in lots of effort and money to be "better" then they're going to make sure everyone else is, too.

Agnes Hannah
June 16th, 2014, 01:56 PM
I wear my hair up in a cinnamon bun with a clip every day, my mum hates it and tells me so at any opportunity!

Tall Blond(ish)
June 16th, 2014, 03:52 PM
I'll never understand why some people feel the need to voice their opinions about other people's bodies. Unless they are complimenting you, it's just flat out rude. I cannot imagine doing it myself. I work with a woman whose hair is FRIED to a crisp! But I would never say anything to her about it unless she asked me for advice, at which point I would respectfully offer my knowledge WITHOUT insulting her.
Ugh.
Humans.

It really is ok to give people a little social feedback when they are rude to you. Mirror their behavior by making a "suggestion" about her appearance, or tell her how you feel, or as her the question you asked us all, "why would you say that?" I'm not suggesting that you start a fight, or try to hurt someone, but maybe everyone would be a little more kind if we helped people realize how their comments affect people. Even a facial expression can cue people into the fact that they have behaved badly.

spidermom
June 16th, 2014, 04:23 PM
I took a personality test for a management position at a job years ago, and one of the things I learned is that about 65% of the population are FAR more comfortable if everybody around them is like them. Not jealousy. Not rudeness. It gives people a bad feeling if somebody doesn't fit in, so they try to "save" you by pointing out what is going to make you fit in. And I think that's all it is, really.

Weewah
June 16th, 2014, 05:01 PM
People think they're helping with their unsolicited advice. I'd just ignore it, if it's not about your hair, it would be about something else.

chen bao jun
June 16th, 2014, 05:59 PM
I actually kind of 'get' it (though I think its rudeness and having been badly brought up) if someone makes a suggestion because they think you don't look good. But--Your hair is so beautiful! Cut it off!
Can people even hear themselves?

Flor
June 17th, 2014, 12:14 AM
I took a personality test for a management position at a job years ago, and one of the things I learned is that about 65% of the population are FAR more comfortable if everybody around them is like them. Not jealousy. Not rudeness. It gives people a bad feeling if somebody doesn't fit in, so they try to "save" you by pointing out what is going to make you fit in. And I think that's all it is, really.

Very true.