How do I deal with strangers touching my hair?

[endlessly]

I had a situation happen yesterday at the grocery store that has definitely left me feeling a little violated, to put it mildly! I'm used to people commenting on my hair, I'm sure most of us are, and sometimes people do ask if they can touch it (which I'm not okay with, but at least they asked my permission first) - but I've never, and I repeat never, had someone just reach out and actually grab my hair and then refuse to let it go.

How am I supposed to handle this situation?!?

First response was pretty simple for me, I pulled away immediately, but this little old lady kept reaching out to grab it again every time I tried to move away from her. She kept trying to talk to me and make small talk, but she wasn't seeming to catch any of my not-so-subtle "get away from me" vibes. When I finally just walked away thankfully because a person I knew came up to speak with me, she left me alone...only to follow me around the entire grocery store as I did my shopping!

I really don't understand what it is with people! Is this "normal" behavior for someone not accustomed to seeing long hair?

Yes, I did wear my hair down and a few friends said I was "asking for it" since I was apparently flaunting my hair, but it's my hair, I should be able to wear it anyway I want to, right? And I definitely shouldn't have to worry about random people grabbing my hair.

I think it's a pretty normal response for people to reach out and want to touch, but many people actually catch themselves and stop or ask "Can I touch your hair?" before following through with it. I just don't know how to handle this situation when someone I don't know and definitely don't want to touch my hair is trying to pet me. And I can't help but feel pretty violated and dirty after the whole thing. I actually went right home afterwards and had to wash my hair, I felt so creeped out!

Part of me wishes I would've been more upfront with this lady and told her to stay away from me, but I'm just too polite and shy to deal with that type of confrontation with a stranger. Moving away from her should've given her the hint that I didn't want to be touched, but she just kept coming at me!

Sorry to ramble, but I'm so confused and frustrated over this situation!

[ErinLeigh]

I wish I could help with something great to say but I tend to be one of those people that puts others feelings ahead of mine. I don't want to hurt "their" feelings being rude so I suffer instead. It's silly.


I think it comes down to changing mindset. If it bothered you that much you now know you have a firm limit. That is a good thing. Knowing yourself makes things easier than being unsure and caught off guard. I think based on that you have to protect you and no one else. Collect you hair from their hands and step back and say, "excuse me please, I must be going, nice chatting with you" If it goes on iota further be honest and say "I feel uncomfortable being touched" and walk away.

Around strangers if you feel them getting close in your space, pull hair over the shoulders in front of you so they would have to be facing you to touch it. It is easier to put a hand up to to block a reach if you see it coming and most folks will be uneasy grabbing randomly towards the front of your body while you are looking them in the eye.

If it is friends doing the touching then I think that will be easier. You can just explain it is an off putting feeling being petted but you appreciate their compliment.

[chen bao jun]

Well, that beats the lady who tugged on my curls and gave me a giant scratch across the forehead a few months ago.
Did the person maybe have alzheimers or dementia? Sounds like they had no ability to pick up cues. Erinleigh's suggestions are good. Of course one is always caught offguard when these things and can't think what to do, but maybe if next time you wear your hair down, you practice saying these things and mentally prepare yourself?

[Hele]

i rarely wear my hair down for this very reason, i'm a confrontational type and would have no problem slapping someone who invaded my hair's space like that. I have PTSD issues though and can go into self defense mode rather easily. The rare times i do leave my hair down in public it's always pulled around to the front so i can keep an eye on it, creepy men always seem to come out of the woodwork when my hair is down. The best i've come up with is to put my hair up immediately as the offender yammers on about it while i give them the death glare the entire time. Although i've also had people try to pull sticks out of my hair before : / Sorry this happened to you, this sort of thing sucks!

[ooglipoo]

Ugh. I feel your pain, but don't have much of an answer for you as to what to do, exactly. My family has some pretty impressive hair and when people touch my children's hair, I just tell them, like I would tell a child "Don't touch!" Not angrily, but with my Mom voice. Touching me is one thing, but touching my children, no way, no how!

[snuflan]

I'm so sorry this happened to you! But I must say, your friends saying you "asked for it" is literally bs, I'm sorry. But as you said, it is your hair and you decide whether you want people to touch it or not. It's like saying a girl "asked for it" if she wore a shirt skirt and got violated. (Which is kind of what society does anyway unfortunately..)

I'm sorry I sidetracked, but I just want you to feel like it wasn't your fault it happened. I hope you feel better now that you've talked about it!

[schnibbles]

So sorry this happened to you. Some people just don't pick up on social cues. The last unauthorized person to touch my hair was an old guy at a bar. I was waiting for a table and he came up behind me and unfortunately grabbed a big handful of it :( He told me I had pretty hair....I just looked at him with huge eyes and replied very quietly - - "be careful, it bites."
He dropped it and went away. People are so weird.

I agree with the suggestions above to pull your hair around to the front if someone is getting grabby. I would think (but who knows, with people anymore....) someone should technically not grab at your hair if it's up front on your chest, if you get my drift.
Heck, since they're already touching you, I'd gently grab their hand or arm and physically remove them from my hair. Reminding them nicely, "no touching please.."

(I had posted this on the meme thread too):

http://i234.photobucket.com/albums/ee165/Buttercup_9/821xm_zps2c588dc6.jpg (http://s234.photobucket.com/user/Buttercup_9/media/821xm_zps2c588dc6.jpg.html)

[höpönasu]

No matter how long or short your hair was it's up to you how you want to keep and and NO ONE has right to touch it without your permission. Having your hair down does NOT mean that you're for random people to grab it. Seems like long hair is so rare lately that people go nuts when they see a long haired person.

[Flor]

I can only give one advice - put yourself and your feelings ahead of everyone else's, specially if it's some random stranger. Don't hint or give out vibes, just tell them to stop. If you feel like being nice that day, you can add "I don't like when people are touching my hair without permission". Otherwise, just say "Stop!" and walk away. The worst thing can happen is they'll think you're being rude. That's their problem though.

[Macaroni]

It's not normal behavior, it's abnormal. There's no excuse that she's elderly, be prepared to say "Stop grabbing my hair and go away!". If they've got the nerve to assault you, and I consider it assault, then I've got the nerve to yell at them.

[eadwine]

Macaroni: A "please let go of my hair, thanks :) " will do. No need to overreact ;)



Endlessly, I can imagine the shock, just got a wee one today myself but it was very short :) Hopefully next time it happens you can be a bit more clear and just state that you would like for them to let go of it, I'm sure they will :)

[woodswanderer]

Well, you aren't "asking for it." I wear my hair down most of the time and I don't find it too common for strangers to grab my hair without asking unless they are children. Most people are content to comment. When it does get grabbed, it is usually by slight acquaintances instead of strangers. Somehow if they know your name it makes it fine apparently. I don't really feel violated, but it does annoy me sometimes. I sort of think people consider hair to be separate from your body somehow and ok to touch.

[eadwine]

I just compared it on my facebook to people wanting to touch a pregnant lady's belly. I think it kinda goes in the same category.

[Nightshade]

I once had someone grab my braid, flick it like a rein and click like you to do get a horse going. I turned around and this lady had THE most aghast look on her face. "OhmygodI'msosorry, I don't know what came over me I couldn't help myself."

:lol:

Most times it's creepy, but she was so mortified that her mental temptation became reality that I still laugh at that one.

[CremeTron]

I am not really sure myself. People have recently begun to tug on my hair, perhaps to stretch a curl out. I don't know why they are not embarrassed when I realise and spin around.

I would never touch someone's hair like that and if I did, I would be mortified and apologise.

It happened again last week and it was from behind again. I spun around and all the lady said was "my daughter has hair like yours". I was amazed. I just met her and she had been very sweet up to then so I didn't tell her off. Funny thing is she had long hair, thick hair that looked lovely. I admired it with my eyes. I never got the impulse to pull it or touch it.

[Mya]

I just compared it on my facebook to people wanting to touch a pregnant lady's belly.

That's one thing I find SO rude! Glad I'm not alone...
I agree it goes in the same category: personal space.

[AmyBeth]

Which is more uncomfortable- strangers playing with your hair uninvited or telling them to stop? Just step away, and say with a smile "You may look, but don't touch." I'm really not into blaming the victim, but there is no rational reason to feel uncomfortable with telling someone not to touch you or your hair. In an ideal world, there's no rational reason a stranger should think it's okay to grab someone's hair, but here in the real world...

[Lirona]

Threads like this make me nervous to wear my hair down around the general public. The only thing that's happened to me so far is someone grabbed my braid and gave it a small toss. But that wasn't a stranger, at least. I would have preferred she didn't, but it wasn't TOO awkward.

And yeah... I think these people just need to be told, firmly if one can manage it, that their behavior is crossing a line, and is unacceptable. In a perfect world, we wouldn't have to defend ourselves, I certainly don't want to put the responsibility on the victim either. We can only hope that we provide a negative enough experience that they refrain in the future.

[Autumn_Fairy]

Fortunately, I never had a problem with this when my hair was hip length. I had lots of people comment on my hair, and some cranky man insisted that i was lying that the random ringlets in my hair were natural (he was pretty worked up about it). but as for physical assault, I think the natural glare I give to everyone when I am in public protects me. However, if this ever does happen, Ive gotten confident enough to speak up for myself. I remember being too shy and sometimes I have shy moments, but if someone grabbed at my hair, I wouldn't hesitate to tell them not to.

I recall one time in a college math class, some guy accidentally bumped me and my hair caught for a moment on his clothing as he walked past. He was extremely apologetic and I hardly even cared. I told him it was fine, but he insisted that he was sorry and that certainly I don't appreciate anyone messing with my hair. Maybe he had some longhaired siblings or mother and had understanding. :shrug:

[LMB]

Last time this happened to me (a workmate 'jokingly' pulled out my hairstick and stroked my hair) I turned it around on the person.

Me: 'Would you like it if I took off your bra and started fondling your breasts?'
Them: 'What!? It's completely different!'
Me: 'No it's not, it's MY hair, attached to MY body, and isn't for you to just touch whenever you want'

I think that we are getting more and more used to using 'I' statements (such as 'I feel that what you did was mean' instead of 'you are mean') but sometimes when someone invades your personal space it is better to be more assertive, yes I might be the one that is uncomfortable but YOU are the one making me feel that way, and I have no problems with letting people know they have stepped out of line.

[fiðrildi]

Gosh, what an awkward moment! Luckily, I've never been involved in a similar situation, but I totally understand you felt that invaded and "violated". I would have reacted the same way, I'd creep out and try to politely let her know that I'm not comfortable with the situation... but she was harassing you! And it doesn't matter if it was an old lady, or a mature man. I really hate the idea of being touched by someone I don't know all of a sudden... and just as you said, your hair is your hair, and you can wear it the way you like. Personally, I don't agree with your friends telling you "you're asking for it". What, if I'm wearing a short skirt, am I also asking for someone coming and touching my legs? Gosh. Everyone should respect each other's space and privacy, and have a little bit of education regarding other people.

[sarahthegemini]

I once had someone grab my braid, flick it like a rein and click like you to do get a horse going. I turned around and this lady had THE most aghast look on her face. "OhmygodI'msosorry, I don't know what came over me I couldn't help myself."

:lol:

Most times it's creepy, but she was so mortified that her mental temptation became reality that I still laugh at that one.

I had to laugh when I read this!

I had my hair groped, yes groped whilst in a night club. And my hair isn't/wasn't anything special. I was facing a wall (my friend was in front of me, I'm not mad) and from behind, some guy put his hands on my head and ran his hands down my hair shudder: It ruined my night completely, put me in such a foul mood, all I could think about was washing my hair.

[wildtohold]

This happens to me all the time. It's why I feel anxious wearing my hair down in public. But I also have social anxiety issues, so. It's not super long, but it is very, very curly, and apparently, that texture is just irresistible or something. I've had people come up and start stroking my hair like I was a dog or something. Once, one of my friends (also Jewish) who was with me at the time when this happened, got really indignant as I started to shut down, and announced loudly, "Please do not pet the Jewess without her permission!" The woman who was petting me called him an nasty name and stormed off. It's like, why are you put out that I don't want you petting my hair?

People are weird. Technically, in most jurisdictions, I'm pretty sure any intentional, unwanted, and uninvited bodily contact falls under assault. Nobody has any right to fondle your hair any more than they have any right to fondle your bum. It's taking me a lot of practice, but I try to be pretty up front and aggressive to tell people to knock it off when they start in on it. Otherwise, I just leave my hair up all the time when I go out.

[Agnes Hannah]

I had this problem last week, I went to a leaving party and wore my hair loose for the first time in about six months. As it is so fine, I added some clip in extensions just for the volume as I don't really need the length. My hair is now midback. I got a lot of attention, some asked if I had had my hair done (I hadn't), and I had lots of comments about the length. Of course hands followed and I had to say "Don't touch!" Even then one of my friends had a sneaky touch when my back was facing her. It was the first time I have ever experienced this and it was quite unnerving. I understand now how you guys feel when this happens. Even though I am friends with these people, I felt that it was not right to have my hair manhandled!

[lapushka]

I think when wearing hair that is that long (longer than waist) out, it is going to draw attention. That is something you have got to learn to take into account. People want to touch that because that's their first reaction. After all, it's not that common to see hair that long. Which is also one of the reasons I wear it up most of the time. All I'm saying is, if you don't want people touching your hair, or trying to, be safe rather than sorry. You can't control people. All you can do is protect your hair.

[YamaMaya]

I wouldn't let someone touch my hair even if they asked. I have big issues with germs and I have NO IDEA where these people's hands have been. I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate it if I said "oh you have such a nice bum, may I touch it?" so why is it acceptable with hair?

[ErinLeigh]

So sorry this happened to you. Some people just don't pick up on social cues. The last unauthorized person to touch my hair was an old guy at a bar. I was waiting for a table and he came up behind me and unfortunately grabbed a big handful of it :( He told me I had pretty hair....I just looked at him with huge eyes and replied very quietly - - "be careful, it bites."
He dropped it and went away. People are so weird.

I agree with the suggestions above to pull your hair around to the front if someone is getting grabby. I would think (but who knows, with people anymore....) someone should technically not grab at your hair if it's up front on your chest, if you get my drift.
Heck, since they're already touching you, I'd gently grab their hand or arm and physically remove them from my hair. Reminding them nicely, "no touching please.."

(I had posted this on the meme thread too):

http://i234.photobucket.com/albums/ee165/Buttercup_9/821xm_zps2c588dc6.jpg (http://s234.photobucket.com/user/Buttercup_9/media/821xm_zps2c588dc6.jpg.html)

I love that reply. Its perfect. Strong enough for a smart person to back off, jokey enough for a clueless person to giggle but drop the hair.

Eadwine, I agree, it's very similar to the touching a pregnant woman's belly. I use to find that unnerving.

[Haybop]

Ugh, I've never been in a hair touching situation but in similar ones, usually if I don't want to outright say 'Get off me' I resort to sarcasm or just a 'sorry, did I miss the bit where I said you could touch me?' in an appropriate tone of voice... a raised eyebrow & certain look usually helps that point hit home too ;)

[cat11]

Plenty of girls where I live (Maryland) have very long hair (like, tailbone/classic) so I would be surprised if this happened where I live. I see longhairs all the time. It makes me SO JEALOUS. Especially because they all seem to always wear their hair down. That being said they usually have averagely healthy hair but not WOAH SHINY hair.

Anyway. If that happened to me, I would do what you did and just feel uncomfortable because she was an elderly lady and I believe in deferring to/respecting your elders. I would wince inside and let her touch it. However, if it was somebody younger or the same age, I would probably blame it on myself (to avoid being rude back and making them feel too bad, even though It's rude to get in someone's space like that and touch their hair, you should still always try to be polite and generous, in my opinion) tell them that "I really don't like having my hair touched, sorry, Im just kind of weird/picky about it." That way it puts the reasoning on YOU, not them, you're saying 'stop because I have an issue with it" not "stop because you're rude." Even if they ARE rude. This way they'll stop doing it and maybe they will think about it a little more before they do it to some one else the next time, they might think "Hey, last time I did this they had to ask me to stop and it was embarrassing" not, "they let me touch it and said thanks for the compliments."

Unfortunately the types of people who usually do this type of brazen thing usually don't really stop to think about their actions and how they are being imposing anyway.

[Symphony]

The only time someone has tried to touch my hair was when they were my patients in the hospital, and they had dementia. Maybe she was not all "mentally there" to know better? Or perhaps just very socially awkward?

To answer your question: No. Normal, healthy, mentally sound people often know not to touch other people's bodyparts/things/hair without permission.

[eadwine]

To answer your question: No. Normal, healthy, mentally sound people often know not to touch other people's bodyparts/things/hair without permission.
That means half the world is crazy :lol: Just how many times people have to get slapped off a pregnant woman's belly is key ;)

[jacqueline101]

I don't wear my hair down very often but if someone grabbed my hair I'd ask them to let go. I'd state it in a firm voice. I'm sorry you were violated.

[Jasperine]

I had a little lady pull some of my hair out. I was in an African country in an area where few long-haired people come by. For some reason I had my hair down and suddenly I felt something pull on it! I turned around and there she was, the sweetest little old lady with a few of my hairs in her hand. I couldn't get angry, but she could have asked. So for me, it really depends on the situation. I've had a random man touch it once and it felt disgusting, he might as well have slapped my bum. Generally though, I think a good firm "Please dont do that" is appropriate :)

[Brattina88]

I make it a "me" thing. I say "I don't like being touched." Very calm, but clear, it doesn't have to be all that firm or mean either. There hands pull away as if a am diseased ;) he he he

I don't like being touched. Mr. Friendly office guy who touches your arm when he talks gets the same response.

[chen bao jun]

This happens to me all the time. It's why I feel anxious wearing my hair down in public. But I also have social anxiety issues, so. It's not super long, but it is very, very curly, and apparently, that texture is just irresistible or something. I've had people come up and start stroking my hair like I was a dog or something. Once, one of my friends (also Jewish) who was with me at the time when this happened, got really indignant as I started to shut down, and announced loudly, "Please do not pet the Jewess without her permission!" The woman who was petting me called him an nasty name and stormed off. It's like, why are you put out that I don't want you petting my hair?
People are weird. Technically, in most jurisdictions, I'm pretty sure any intentional, unwanted, and uninvited bodily contact falls under assault. Nobody has any right to fondle your hair any more than they have any right to fondle your bum. It's taking me a lot of practice, but I try to be pretty up front and aggressive to tell people to knock it off when they start in on it. Otherwise, I just leave my hair up all the time when I go out.

^This.
I'll never understand it, I just accept it at this point and do my best to keep in control of it.
It was the worst when I live in Taiwan for a year. Everyone had their hands in my hair ALL the time. Often when people were introduced their hands went to my head immediately. But its not an unusual thing here either. Like I said in the first post I wrote near the beginning, when people actually scratch my forehead, that's a bit much. What annoys me most is the sneaky touching. I had to take a group portrait with a professional group last year and immediately, the sneaky head stroking, curl tugging began. Of course when I turn around, everyone looks completely innocent. Last week I took out my Jeterfork to show to my dr. (he's also a woodworker and has given me a table and things he made before) and he started stroking my hair as soon as it came down and like, couldn't stop. It felt--wierd. Like way too intimate. So I backed away, saying, is it untidy and he's like, no, it just feels so good. so I backed away some more and put it back up. It wasn't like a pass or anything. It never is. It's more like Wildtohold says. It's like I'm a puppy or something. Or one of those cute babies that people can't keep their hands off. And some people just have no inhibitions. I don't always mind, like little children always start touching my hair and I don't mind, because they are like, you know kids. Usually the parents say, oh no, don't touch the lady --but when I say I don't mind, the parents then often start touching my hair, also--
"Don't pet the Jewess," that's funny. I'm not Jewish, I'm black. But it doesn't seem to be a racial thing, other black people have never been able to keep their hands out of my head either. Putting it up in a bun helps somewhat but not completely because people will touch my bun and tug on my bangs. A lot of times people have treated like a normal person (like my dr. I was just talking about) and then they start touching and its like they can't stop. Last year I was with some of my cousins and the two girls braided my hair and my male cousin was there and just started touching and touching and wouldn't stop.
It's the 'wouldn't stop' that gets to me. I don't feel violated so much as diminished. To puppy or baby level, I feel like I lose my dignity and am just this 'cute little thing' which feels kind of wrong at 57 years old.

[CremeTron]

I had a little lady pull some of my hair out. I was in an African country in an area where few long-haired people come by. For some reason I had my hair do suddenly I felt something pull on it! I turned around and there she was, the sweetest little old lady with a few of my hairs in her hand. I couldn't get angry, but she could have asked. So for me, it really depends on the situation. I've had a random man touch it once and it felt disgusting, he might as well have slapped my bum. Generally though, I think a good firm "Please dont do that" is appropriate :)

:agape: At the bolded part.. My goodness!

[spidermom]

I don't think it's common knowledge that you should not touch hair without permission. Before I joined LHC, I had no idea that people did not want to have their hair touched.

Not that you were asking for it, but think about it - since people don't know that you don't want to have your hair touched, the easiest way to deal with this is to wear your hair up or tucked into clothing when you're in a public place.

[CremeTron]

Hmmn, Before LHC I would not touch someone's hair. Unless maybe I knew them well and in the scenario it fit. Like for example someone said "my hair feels odd" or "touch my hair".

I will be wearing my hair up in certain situations now though, now that I know that many think it is acceptable to touch, pull, grab.

[Jasperine]

:agape: At the bolded part.. My goodness!

Yeah, she was still holding them up. Was very strange. Luckily, it was a sunny day there wasn't a lot of people around, so I simply didn't feel threatened or anything. Had it been anyone but that women, I have no idea what I might have said ;)

[spidermom]

Before LHC, I pretty much only knew that you didn't touch anything that somebody would normally cover up with clothing. Therefore it was as natural for me to touch somebody's hair as somebody's hand. I didn't do much of either because I'm not much of a touchy-feeling kind of person. I don't even enjoy hugs from people I know, for example.

[Symphony]

That means half the world is crazy :lol: Just how many times people have to get slapped off a pregnant woman's belly is key ;)

Call me Jaded, but your estimation is probably not too far off. You'd be amazed the antics I see people pull who DON'T have dementia. I estimate at least 1/5 of people have something going on mental health wise (myself included at times), and that is a VERY optimistic estimate.

[eadwine]

Oh I am definitely totally crazy, but I have never felt the urge to just touch someone's hair or something like that. But that MAY be because I am one who doesn't like to GET touched.

Maybe we should just pull those grabbers in a big hug, they might like it ;)

[Larki]

Before LHC, I pretty much only knew that you didn't touch anything that somebody would normally cover up with clothing. Therefore it was as natural for me to touch somebody's hair as somebody's hand. I didn't do much of either because I'm not much of a touchy-feeling kind of person. I don't even enjoy hugs from people I know, for example.

Yeah, I never knew it was a big deal. I don't care if people touch my hair, and never did care.

[tigereye]

Hmmn, Before LHC I would not touch someone's hair. Unless maybe I knew them well and in the scenario it fit. Like for example someone said "my hair feels odd" or "touch my hair".

I will be wearing my hair up in certain situations now though, now that I know that many think it is acceptable to touch, pull, grab.
This is how it is for me too. But then, I've also never had someone touch my hair except in the kind of situations you suggest. With friends.
I think that way of thinking is pretty common here partly because a number of people with regular hair will usually freak at how much a stranger has messed up their 'do and all that work they did to make it look nice (keeping in mind a lot of people blow-dry and straighten/curl every day). The not touching long hair probably goes back to the myth of long hair supposedly taking more effort to style/look after. Its not true in my case, but I'll allow people to keep thinking it if it keeps their mitts off my hair. Then on the other side there's people like me who were taught by our parents that you just generally don't touch strangers, and it just stuck.

[Carolyn]

I'm amazed that so many of you have had that problem. In all my years and years of long hair I have never once had a stranger touch my hair or ask to touch my hair. I get a hair compliment maybe twice a year if I am lucky and most are from elderly ladies. I never once had anyone try to touch my belly when I was pregnant. I would ask Mr Cranky and my mom to feel the baby kicking. I know I have a "resting bitch face" and I don't go around smiling and looking approachable and friendly so maybe people stay away from me because of that. I agree with everything that SM said.

[CremeTron]

This is how it is for me too. But then, I've also never had someone touch my hair except in the kind of situations you suggest. With friends.
I think that way of thinking is pretty common here partly because a number of people with regular hair will usually freak at how much a stranger has messed up their 'do and all that work they did to make it look nice (keeping in mind a lot of people blow-dry and straighten/curl every day). The not touching long hair probably goes back to the myth of long hair supposedly taking more effort to style/look after. Its not true in my case, but I'll allow people to keep thinking it if it keeps their mitts off my hair. Then on the other side there's people like me who were taught by our parents that you just generally don't touch strangers, and it just stuck.

Same here. But it is good to see people here say they see nothing wrong with it. Because when it happens IRL I am non-plussed and offended, especially as they are so unapologetic. I can understand why now- they genuinely see nothing wrong with it.

I am working with lady that was touching my hair from behind last week. If she does it again, I will touch her hair also (she does have lovely hair)- which will be weird for me- personal space!!! But I want to see of she flinches or not. Maybe she just wants to touch but would mind if someone did it to her? I don't know but I am going to put my hair up if I see people eyeing my hair too much or positioning themselves behind me lol.

I am starting to wonder if wearing a wonderbra or a short skirt is also inviting hands into my personal space- yikes!

I guess in life you have the people that impose and the people who are imposed upon. No universal notion of respect.

My advice to anyone with this problem from now on: just be vigilant and put your hair away if someone gets too close. If you don't mind strangers touching your hair then: as you were! Different strokes. (pun not intended lol)

[eadwine]

I think a lot of people don't see hair as the same personal space as the body itself. If I would even touch I'd be a lot less inclined to touch someone's behind than someone's hair!

[Stellaaa]

I have to go along the people who say if you are so easily upset by a stranger handling your hair, so upset that you feel "violated", that you have to wash it at once or whatever, then wear it up. For your own mental health, wear it up. Because you can't control what other people will do, but you can (mostly) avoid the situation.

I've had long hair a long time. In university, I was the only female in my class, one of about three in the whole department. If I wore my hair down, I would get petted. I could count on it, every time. Profs made up excuses to help me with my notes or my microscope work just to cop a quick stroke. Classmates would find some reason to pat me on the back. I don't think they even noticed themselves doing it, but when I wore my plain ole English braid, it didn't happen.

Mind you, the braid has been handled too, never more weirdly then one day in a market in a small town in Bali, Indonesia. I was walking through the market and somebody tugged on my braid. And then again and again. Merchants were coming out from behind their stalls to give a quick tug and then run back to their businesses. I'd whip around and they would just smile at me and dash away. I have no idea WTF that was about, but I figure I was a good luck charm of some sort.

In this part of the world, it's probably even worse for the kinky/curlies. I watched hands frequently hover and finally land on the head of the only guy with type 4 hair in the whole department too. And he couldn't wear it up or braided to avoid the situation.

[chen bao jun]

T Then on the other side there's people like me who were taught by our parents that you just generally don't touch strangers, and it just stuck.

Exactly. I was taught this. I think people should just teach this to their kids (as well as stuff like not calling older people by their first names and other general politeness) it jsut makes life easier all around.



In this part of the world, it's probably even worse for the kinky/curlies. I watched hands frequently hover and finally land on the head of the only guy with type 4 hair in the whole department too. And he couldn't wear it up or braided to avoid the situation.
Umm, yeah. My hair mostly hasn't been long enough to put up until recently. What should a person do? Wear a hat 24/7? Practice being rude? It's a shame.

I understand little kids that might not have got this down yet, but like I said in my last post, a person is not a puppy dog or kitty cat. They may look cute and 'touchable' to you in some way, but really its exhausting, even if other people consider it a compliment, when people can't just keep their hands to themselves and always all over you. I wouldn't say I feel 'violated'--that is a strong word and I think should be saved for much more drastic situations (now, if they actually cut my hair off---). But its still not right. Even when your back is turned or whatever (the being touched when my back is turned seriously annoys me. If they do it to my face, I figure they might not know better, but if my back is turned, clearly they do and just determined to be rude in spite of this).
And as I said before, I don't see this as a racial thing, white people touching the black person's hair, because black people don't seem to be able to keep their hands out of my head, either.

[CremeTron]

We are all entitled to our opinions- and our personal space too. I stand by that.

[LunaHuntress]

In university, I was the only female in my class, one of about three in the whole department. If I wore my hair down, I would get petted. I could count on it, every time. Profs made up excuses to help me with my notes or my microscope work just to cop a quick stroke. Classmates would find some reason to pat me on the back. I don't think they even noticed themselves doing it, but when I wore my plain ole English braid, it didn't happen.

Things must be way different where you are that that's considered OK, because here that professor could have found himself in trouble for inappropriate physical contact (or whatever they're calling it these days) with a student. Every school or workplace I've ever been in has had the simple rule that you don't touch another person without their prior OK. I'm amazed at all the posts of people having their hair grabbed, stroked or petted. Especially when it's strangers doing it. Never in a million years would I consider touching someone I don't know, it just seems like basic etiquette to me.

[Stellaaa]

Things must be way different where you are that that's considered OK, because here that professor could have found himself in trouble for inappropriate physical contact (or whatever they're calling it these days) with a student. Every school or workplace I've ever been in has had the simple rule that you don't touch another person without their prior OK. I'm amazed at all the posts of people having their hair grabbed, stroked or petted. Especially when it's strangers doing it. Never in a million years wou.ld I consider touching someone I don't know, it just seems like basic etiquette to me.

Things were different in 1985. Also, I was taking Geology ... I was working out in the bush with these guys, too. It leads to a lot less formalities ... The uni introduced an official Sexual Harassment Policy sometime around 1989 and things changed a lot.

Even now, the very rare times I wear my hair down, I get petted. This Christmas, in a bar, I had funny hat on, so I let it loose. I got petted three times before I put it back up.

I'm not saying it's ok, I don't like strange people touching me and wouldn't think of patting a pregnant woman's belly or stroking a strangers hair. But I've been a lot of places and encountered a lot of people who have no similar inhibitions. So prepare yourself young Jedi (hey, it is May 4th) and put that hair up.

[GrowingOut]

First, I'd say be firm and polite. When they try again, yell stop. If they try a third time, it's up to you to defend yourself, as they were invading your space and assaulting you.

[Stellaaa]

Exactly. I was taught this. I think people should just teach this to their kids (as well as stuff like not calling older people by their first names and other general politeness) it jsut makes life easier all around.


Umm, yeah. My hair mostly hasn't been long enough to put up until recently. What should a person do? Wear a hat 24/7? Practice being rude? It's a shame.

I understand little kids that might not have got this down yet, but like I said in my last post, a person is not a puppy dog or kitty cat. They may look cute and 'touchable' to you in some way, but really its exhausting, even if other people consider it a compliment, when people can't just keep their hands to themselves and always all over you. I wouldn't say I feel 'violated'--that is a strong word and I think should be saved for much more drastic situations (now, if they actually cut my hair off---). But its still not right. Even when your back is turned or whatever (the being touched when my back is turned seriously annoys me. If they do it to my face, I figure they might not know better, but if my back is turned, clearly they do and just determined to be rude in spite of this).
And as I said before, I don't see this as a racial thing, white people touching the black person's hair, because black people don't seem to be able to keep their hands out of my head, either.

That's interesting. You do have particularly gorgeous curls, Chen, maybe thats why. Come to think of it, I have a black friend that would be all over those, too. She loves long hair and could just never grow it herself. I draped my pony over her once so she could feel her hair blowing in the breeze :)

Most of the kinky/curly unwanted attention I've witnessed was white on black. The one particular guy I was talking about earlier was also in the unfortunate position of being South African, and probably a little more nervous about white people touching him than the situation - a bunch a friendly curious classmates - warranted.

[Larki]

As a white person, I would never touch someone's hair without permission (and I'm too shy to ask for permission) but I can absolutely understand the fascination with kinky (nappy?) hair from white people. It's just such a vastly different texture, I think it's natural to be curious about it. Personally, I can use my imagination to find out what it probably feels like. ;)

[sourgrl]

It still amazes me that this happens. I've only experienced this once. I was in Vegas with my hubby, playing the slots, when some random guy walked by and ran his hand through my hair. Before I even had a chance to register what had happened my husband was on him. Thankfully things didn't get ugly but the hubby gave him a good scare. Definetly a perk to marrying a big guy. There's one less "Petter" out there now. ;)

[chen bao jun]

Larki, you could ask. I don't mind people asking, especially if I know them. I think what a lot of people on this thread are objecting to is actually the non-asking part. Oh, I see you say you are shy. Maybe one day you can ask a good friend.
Stellaaa, thank you for the compliment. I can still just repeat that I would rather be asked--and it does make me feel like a puppy, great loss of dignity. what I find with white people touching hair unasked is that they will be embarrassed if you call them out, while a lot of the black people that do it tend to get rude. Not all, but too many. As in 'she's stuck up, that's why she doesn't like people to touch her hair.' Like, you have no right not to like people touching your own body without a by your leave?
Re: Your friend, maybe direct her here to LHC so she can grow her own hair and make her dreams come true. My mom used to be like that, very breakable hair that didn't appear to grow. When I started using LHC methods on me, I also convinced her to let me try them on her and with that and castor oil (she had actual bald spots from bad hair weaves),she now has hair that stretches toher shoulder blades at age 82, she's delighted with it. And no bald spots anymore at all.:)

[YvetteVarie]

I was wearing my hair down on a trip with the other young adults from my church. Its not super long (about SL at the time) and I felt someone running their hands through my hair without asking me. I just put my hair up, and I think they got the message. Although in their case, I think they were weave checking me. It was pretty annoying. But most people do ask to touch my hair instead of just randomly grabbing it

[Youngjae]

Hmmm... This hasn't really happened to me from a stranger perhaps because of my age???( if anyone saw a stranger touch a 14 year old girl, Im pretty sure the police would be called immediately) however I have experienced this from extended family (only met these people max 3 times when I was little and don't really remember them) who would forget my name then when I turned around for whatever reason would say oh my goodness then touch my hair. I felt like because they were distant relatives I couldn't object. Speaking of the racial thing, last year my art teacher would always touch this one students hair (he is one of the few black kids at our school) although his hair is short. He didn't seem to be to creeped out or uncomfortable by it... But really, I don't go up to someone I see in public and say, wow, you have really long legs, can I touch them or not even ask!!! And as for asking for it, the only way to ask for someone to touch your hair is to walk up to then and say "will you please pet my hair?"*

[palaeoqueen]

How bizarrre and completely unacceptable to touch a stranger's hair, or even a friend's without permission. You wouldn't touch any other part of a strangers body (though the pregnant belly comparison is a good one) so why their hair? My hair is only just past APL so has never attracted any attention, there'll be stern words had if it gets "petted" in the future though.

[Angela_Rose]

I'm going to use this one the next time I get patted:

"Sorry, did you skip the day in kindergarten when the teacher told everyone to stay in their own bubbles?" Or, "...to keep your hands to yourself?"

[Marika]

A stranger has never touched my hair without permission but other body parts? Yes. I'm usually quite quick with my words but it happened so fast that the guy was a long gone before I even realized anything! It's completely unacceptable to touch someone and/or their hair without permission.

When I was in high school, I had a roommate from Nigeria and she wanted to touch my hair. She was amazed how soft my hair (and skin) was. I didn't really mind because she was very respectful. Armenian and Korean girls have also been interested in my hair when I've met them on my travels. I guess it's natural to be curious to some extent. But be curious with respect and good manners!

[LauraLongLocks]

Like Spidermom, I didn't know that touching hair was such a violation to others, and for exactly the same reason. I never had the urge to go up and touch someone's hair however. I seem to have a large personal bubble, and even giving hugs to friends is sort of weird for me sometimes. I have to remind myself to give my children hugs.

No one has ever asked to touch my hair, or touched it without permission. I would feel creeped out if a perverted old man groped it. I don't think a random stroke by a woman friend or an old lady would bother me at all, especially if it was coupled with praises for my long locks. But, it's never happened to me, so I don't know for sure how I would feel about it. Any guy touching my hair... yeah, that would be too weird. Although I did tell Gumball if I ever travel to CA, he has to braid my hair for me. Which is kinda weird for me to say, maybe a little too intimate. Maybe I would chicken out, even though he has done some of the most amazing braiding on his mannequin head. Eh, I would probably be fine with it, because he's another longhair. Yeah, I could probably have a male hairdresser touch my hair, or have a fellow longhair style it for me, but random strangers, acquaintances, and friends... absolutely no, if they are men. Maybe, probably yes, if they are women.

About 8 years ago my husband was on military deployment, and I was having a particularly tough time one day at church. A nice man at church put his hand on my back, to comfort me while I was crying, but I immediately stopped crying and said in a very low, firm voice, "You need to stop touching me right now," and he did. It was awkward, yes, but it was even more awkward that a man was touching me. I saw this guy every week at church, and he never touched me again. Ever. Not even to shake my hand as a greeting.

In high school, I attended a singer's workshop where voice teachers came in and taught us proper techniques for breathing and vocalization. Each member of the class was instructed to stand up and demonstrate proper diaphragm usage, and the presenter asked each person if they could touch them on the diaphragm to feel the movement. All the other kids allowed it, but when it was my turn, I said no. She was surprised, but respected my wishes and said to the class, "That's why I always ask."

During my most recent pregnancy, a checker at my local grocery store who knew my husband's face, but didn't know me, was soooo excited about me being pregnant, and went right up and touched my pregnant belly. I was with my husband, and I tend to embarrass him when it comes to my social assertiveness, so I didn't say anything, but I gave off the strongest 'don't touch me' vibes that she abruptly stopped. Another day my husband went through her checkstand line when I wasn't with him, and she asked him if I was creeped out or didn't like to be touched. He didn't want her to feel worse about it, so he downplayed it, but obviously, she understood that I didn't like to have my pregnant belly touched.

So, when/if the time ever comes that my hair is touched, I think I could be assertive. Need to work on being assertive even when my husband is with me, even if it embarrasses him. The low firm voice worked very well with the man at church. I think it would work very well for any other unwanted touching.

[neko_kawaii]

Personal space bubble is mostly cultural.

[Angela_Rose]

Personal space bubble is mostly cultural.

Everything is mostly cultural. Anybody can blame anything they want on a specific culture. If you're in a particular place, you're generally expected to go along with that culture.

I wouldn't go live with a tribe in Africa and expect them to have WiFi; here in my area I expect to not be touched by random strangers who should know better than to go around touching people.

[Angela_Rose]

^^^^^
That post came out harsher than I meant it to, so if anybody is mad at me, this is the apology. 'Kay?

[Remi]

No one ever has. And I aim to keep it that way. Years ago when I was in junior college, I sat next to some very young girls, maybe just graduated from high school. There was one who was telling stories of her wild times in high school, and how she and her friends went to the mall, ran up behind girls or women with long hair, and whipped out a pair of scissors and whacked off a large chunk of hair, and then ran. They never got caught. I sat listening in horror. I never wore my hip length hair down in public, especially at the mall after that.

[Jumper]

I never realized it was so hard to say "Please stop touching me."

I am a shy, quiet, non assertive person but I have never liked being touched in any way so I have plenty of practice asking people to back off.

On the other hand, if people I know and am friendly with want to touch it I usually give them the go ahead. It's just curiousity and it won't kill me to let them touch my braid or bun or loose hair.

Strangers are a NO WAY though.

[chen bao jun]

LauraLongLocks, you sound as if you have clear boundaries where men other than your husband are concerned as if you are good at letting them know. I admire this a lot. I make it a rule never to be alone with any man other than my husband, period, full stop. Its useful as a message that I am not available (jsut saying you are married nowadays doesn't seem to have much force, unfortunately) and also avoids any he said/she said situations which are bad for men, too. since there is always another person around as a witness. Guys understand this as they are mostly terrified of being falsely accused of something nowadays and not being believed, which has been known to happen.
The problems I have with being touched are not sexual in nature though. It seems to be that people think I'm 'cute' and that its okay to touch cute little people, jsut like its okay to pet dogs and babies--at least until the babies howl. I have a great story about that btw. When I was a baby, people were always petting and touching me (lifelong problem). One day a girl said said, This baby is so cute, I just want to eat her up and bit me on my leg. My dad bit her back! And said, how do you like that? After that, everybody said, her dad is crazy and left me alone. My dad was very, very protective and could be rather ferocious (kept us safe in some worse than dodgy neighborhoods) and I probably never had to develop an ability to keep bad people away, because he did such a great job with this.
I married (as people often do) a very similar person as a husband. When hubby is around, nobody ever does anything that's remotely inappropriate to me and if they even think they have, they start apologizing and apologizing, when he's not even angry, he thinks thats funny.

[Eisa]

It really bothers me when people have tried to touch my hair without permission. Or when people get angry that I denied them permission. It's my hair! I don't like people touching it, especially people that I don't know well. Thankfully, I don't think anyone's ever come up and just randomly grabbed it? But I'd be so angry if they did.

[chen bao jun]

Where I grew up (dodgy neighborhoods as I jsut said), girls would routinely go around and threaten other girls who they perceived as having long hair, beat them up and sometimes cut their hair off. I was often beat up but never had my hair cut off, but I knew of people who did, and who had their faces shoved in toilet bowls, that kind of thing.
There are definitely girls and women out there who have issues with others having long hair. Enough of them so that you can't jsut write off all them as 'some psychos.' It's very nice if you live somewhere where people don't behave like this--and get off scot free because teachers and counsellors are all making excuses for their bad behavior by talking about the bad time they must have had in life that supposedly makes them do what they do, and how 'underprivileged' they are, while expecting the victims to just get over it. Just saying.


.
No one ever has. And I aim to keep it that way. Years ago when I was in junior college, I sat next to some very young girls, maybe just graduated from high school. There was one who was telling stories of her wild times in high school, and how she and her friends went to the mall, ran up behind girls or women with long hair, and whipped out a pair of scissors and whacked off a large chunk of hair, and then ran. They never got caught. I sat listening in horror. I never wore my hip length hair down in public, especially at the mall after that.

[Kina]

I dunno, I don't like to be touched by people I don't know. I don't like going to AA meetings, because everyone is so huggy. Don't touch me, don't touch my hair. I'm a performer and have had to very firmly tell people that touching was not ok. My dance persona is friendlier and more accessible than I am (yes, it's a persona, don't ask if you don't want to know) but as soon as someone lays a finger on me, Kina is back and She Is Not Happy. My regular persona is pretty forbidding (I suffer from resting b*itch face) so it's normally not a problem. People take a look at my face and any interest they have in touching me is pretty much gone.

unfortunately, my hair is friendlier than I am and reaches out and touches people. sigh. Not their fault and they don't get blamed for swatting it away...

[lazuliblue]

I had kids pull my hair when I was a teenager, but I haven't had my hair long since then. I hate people getting too close to me so heaven help anyone who does touch my hair when it is longer!

Actually, I did have a very little kid touch my hair stick the other day, but that's different, I just told her not to do it in a firm but kind way because she didn't know any better.

[LauraLongLocks]

LauraLongLocks, you sound as if you have clear boundaries where men other than your husband are concerned as if you are good at letting them know. I admire this a lot. I make it a rule never to be alone with any man other than my husband, period, full stop. Its useful as a message that I am not available (jsut saying you are married nowadays doesn't seem to have much force, unfortunately) and also avoids any he said/she said situations which are bad for men, too. since there is always another person around as a witness. Guys understand this as they are mostly terrified of being falsely accused of something nowadays and not being believed, which has been known to happen.
The problems I have with being touched are not sexual in nature though. It seems to be that people think I'm 'cute' and that its okay to touch cute little people, jsut like its okay to pet dogs and babies--at least until the babies howl. I have a great story about that btw. When I was a baby, people were always petting and touching me (lifelong problem). One day a girl said said, This baby is so cute, I just want to eat her up and bit me on my leg. My dad bit her back! And said, how do you like that? After that, everybody said, her dad is crazy and left me alone. My dad was very, very protective and could be rather ferocious (kept us safe in some worse than dodgy neighborhoods) and I probably never had to develop an ability to keep bad people away, because he did such a great job with this.
I married (as people often do) a very similar person as a husband. When hubby is around, nobody ever does anything that's remotely inappropriate to me and if they even think they have, they start apologizing and apologizing, when he's not even angry, he thinks thats funny.

I think intimate is a better word than sexual. The unwanted touching by the man at church was not at all sexual. It's just that any male-female touching to me is intimate. The only man that touches me is my husband.

Yes, telling someone you are married has little to no effect. I've said that and had a man ask me how married I was... ??? Um, fully. Yes, I took vows and I meant them. I still do.

Your description of being thought of as cute reminds me of something that I heard a dwarf/little person say once. He said it was very patronizing and degrading to have a normal height person pat him on the head and say he was cute, like he wasn't even in the room able to hear himself being talked about. He explained he was not someone's pet, and he had normal intelligence and hearing, and would prefer to be treated like everyone else, thank you very much.

Your dad's response was bold, but awesome!

[chen bao jun]

Human beings all have dignity. I wouldn't even pat a child on the head that I didn't know (or actually, wasn't my own kid).
One very nice thing that my dad taught me (can you tell I loved my dad a lot? He was an amazing person)--when you talk to kids, crouch or bend over so that you are looking them in the eye, not towering over them and looking down on them. then talk to them respectfully as you would to an adult, and wait for them to answer, don't rush them or start answering for them. Also, don't always assume kids have nothing important to say--a lot of people run over kids and keep them out of a conversation, keeping saying things like, "Wait, I'll talk to you later," "I'm talking to a grown-up now," etc etc. It's not 'spoiling' kids to listen to them and to respect them. People shouldn't get respect only because of their size or age because we are all God's creation (Although interestingly, once you get past a certain age, people tend to start disrespecting you again, sigh, its not good to be either elderly or young in our society...)
If you don't have time to talk to a kid, or an old person, something is very wrong with your time management.