stressing over daughter's planned haircut!!!

[summergreen]

Sorry in advance for long post...my daughter who's 20 and at uni has just told me she's thinking of having a 'quite drastic' haircut - to get rid of damage... I think her friends have persuaded her that she needs this. She's very, very low maintenance and has always had her wavy/curly hair at APL or longer so that she can just bun, braid or ponytail it. Her hair is dry on the canopy/ends but as she doesn't do anything to it except wash, condition and air dry there's no massive damage.

I know her hair isn't my business or responsibility but I'm so worried she'll end up with some really short haircut that won't suit her face or hair and is too short to even put up - she doesn't even have a style in mind but is going to ask the hairdresser what they suggest - we all know what that *can* lead to!- and that she'll hate it. When I say she's low maintenance I'm talking no make up, no jewellery, no hairstyling, nothing, so she'd not want to have to mess about trying to make her hair do anything it doesn't do naturally.

What I've said to her is - obviously have it cut if you actually want a change, but find some styles you like beforehand and DON'T have a drastic cut you don't really want just to get rid of damage, because firstly you could get rid of that gradually with a small trim every few weeks and some deep conditioning treatments, secondly a style that needs heat styling will cause more damage, and thirdly your hair isn't actually that damaged. I don't think I've convinced her though (as in convinced her to choose her own haircut that she actually wants, rather than go off like a willing sheep for the stylist to be creative on)! And I know, I know, she's 20 and it's not my problem but I love her and I don't want her to be unhappy. She's very young for her age in some ways. And hasn't had her hair cut at a salon since she was 9 so has no idea how difficult it can be to have good communication with a stylist. (ETA - She's also dyspraxic so can find it quite hard to say exactly what she means sometimes)

I'm really stressing over this - I just want her to make her own, well informed decisions rather than go along with what friends and stylists tell her. Sorry if I sound ridiculous. Please does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?!

[sarahthegemini]

How do you know she's being influenced by her friends? Personally, if I had a lot of damage, I'd rather hack it all off then have teensy trims every now and again .... I do agree that she should have someidea of what she wants before talking to the hairdresser though, she should do a bit of research and take images of styles she's interested in (especially if she finds it difficult to get her point across)

[Jasperine]

Well, imagine she cuts it and she loves it! No problem then.
If she hates it? Then I think you should just be supportive and be there for her. I don't believe in it myself, but hair is hair will grow out. If this is the way your daughter makes a bad decision, Ill have to say - it's not the worst she could do!

Basically, just support her and if she regrets it you should be ready to support her and not say "told you so". It's nice to experiment and it's what we do at this age, being in my early twenties myself :) :)
Sounds like you've alredy been very helpful with your advice!

[summergreen]

Thanks both for your replies :) great to get viewsfrom people close to her age.

Sarahthegemini - I know she's being influenced by her friends because she told me it was their idea and advice. Yes I agree about taking pics of styles, I did suggest she should look at styles and I'll say about taking pictures with her. Yeah, *some* idea is what I think she should have too, but she doesn't like making any decisions for herself and this is what worries me, not that she'll make a decision she'll regret but that she'll let someone else make it for her. ETA - I get what you say about preferring to cut off all the damage but really her hair has very little damage. I will point out how useful taking pics would be.

Jasperine - yes I will support her of course! I'd rather support her having something she actually wanted though, even if that's a buzz cut lol, but of course you are right about the experimenting, she's always been very conservative so I need to adjust to this very sudden change!!

Thanks both for helping me take a step back and look from a different perspective :)

[Vrindi]

Sorry in advance for long post...my daughter who's 20 and at uni has just told me she's thinking of having a 'quite drastic' haircut - to get rid of damage... I think her friends have persuaded her that she needs this. She's very, very low maintenance and has always had her wavy/curly hair at APL or longer so that she can just bun, braid or ponytail it. Her hair is dry on the canopy/ends but as she doesn't do anything to it except wash, condition and air dry there's no massive damage.

I know her hair isn't my business or responsibility but I'm so worried she'll end up with some really short haircut that won't suit her face or hair and is too short to even put up - she doesn't even have a style in mind but is going to ask the hairdresser what they suggest - we all know what that *can* lead to!- and that she'll hate it. When I say she's low maintenance I'm talking no make up, no jewellery, no hairstyling, nothing, so she'd not want to have to mess about trying to make her hair do anything it doesn't do naturally.

What I've said to her is - obviously have it cut if you actually want a change, but find some styles you like beforehand and DON'T have a drastic cut you don't really want just to get rid of damage, because firstly you could get rid of that gradually with a small trim every few weeks and some deep conditioning treatments, secondly a style that needs heat styling will cause more damage, and thirdly your hair isn't actually that damaged. I don't think I've convinced her though (as in convinced her to choose her own haircut that she actually wants, rather than go off like a willing sheep for the stylist to be creative on)! And I know, I know, she's 20 and it's not my problem but I love her and I don't want her to be unhappy. She's very young for her age in some ways. And hasn't had her hair cut at a salon since she was 9 so has no idea how difficult it can be to have good communication with a stylist. (ETA - She's also dyspraxic so can find it quite hard to say exactly what she means sometimes)

I'm really stressing over this - I just want her to make her own, well informed decisions rather than go along with what friends and stylists tell her. Sorry if I sound ridiculous. Please does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?!

First, it sounds like you gave her really good advice. Second, she's 20. She's supposed to make mistakes, and although you might be able to see some of them in advance, she can't take your word for it. She has to do things for herself and find out on her own whether it actually is a mistake for her, or if it would have been one for you. Third, just because she's decided to see what the stylist says doesn't mean she's a "willing sheep" or that she isn't making her own well-informed decisions— she's just not making your well-informed decision. Like I said, it sounds like you gave her good information. She's well-informed. Whatever decision she makes will be well-informed.

I've had this issue and I know my friends have had the same one— if we decide to do something that isn't what our mothers wanted us to do, then we are "sheep" or "being led/influenced by our friends," but if we make the same decisions our mothers wanted, then and only then are we applauded as smart, independent daughters. Please be aware of this tendency. She is making her own decision, and she will have to deal with whether it was the right one. If she doesn't like her cut, then it will grow back. This isn't a possible mistake to stress over. Drugs and blacking out at parties— those are the mistakes to stress about.

[SM]

Hi

I also match your daughter's description (the low-maintenance part specially) and age, and I have had the 'drastic' haircut a couple of times. While I don't think it was always a complete mistake, I have found that low maintenance and short hair are not good friends, at least with my 2a hair type. I was also a college basketball player, so I would wash my hair a lot.

I would support her in experimenting with her hair, as sometimes it can make you feel in control of things and at the very least it is a lot of fun, but I agree with the other posters in looking at pictures of the style she would like. When she has the pictures, I would also tell her to think if her hair would naturally stay like that or would need to be blow dried every day to look the way she wants it to. Failing to pay due attention to this very very simple thing is that has kept me getting haircuts I simply did not care to properly maintain (not to mention the damage!).

[SM]

Hi

I also match your daughter's description (the low-maintenance part specially) and age, and I have had the 'drastic' haircut a couple of times. While I don't think it was always a complete mistake, I have found that low maintenance and short hair are not good friends, at least with my 2a hair type. I was also a college basketball player, so I would wash my hair a lot.

I would support her in experimenting with her hair, as sometimes it can make you feel in control of things and at the very least it is a lot of fun, but I agree with the other posters in looking at pictures of the style she would like. When she has the pictures, I would also tell her to think if her hair would naturally stay like that or would need to be blow dried every day to look the way she wants it to. Failing to pay due attention to this very very simple thing is that has kept me getting haircuts I simply did not care to properly maintain (not to mention the damage!).

[summergreen]

Thanks Vrindi :) wise words I need to hear. You are right that this is her decision, however she chooses to make it. I appreciate your input :) you guys are all helping me to see it from her point of view!

[summergreen]

Thanks SM :) yes I have mentioned the blow drying thing! She's away at uni so I won't be seeing any of the planned styles, I'll suggest she gets her friends' input on what might suit her face shape and lifestyle :)

She's at least a 2c hair type if not curlier.

[CurlMonster]

Maybe she could tell the stylist to recommend a style that she can tie up in a ponytail? That way they still recommend something, as that's what she seems to want, but she can tie it up out of the way if she wants to. :)

[summergreen]

Ahh Curlmonster, that's exactly what I said, but she doesn't want to.

[Almendra]

Well, imagine she cuts it and she loves it! No problem then.
If she hates it? Then I think you should just be supportive and be there for her. I don't believe in it myself, but hair is hair will grow out. If this is the way your daughter makes a bad decision, Ill have to say - it's not the worst she could do!

Basically, just support her and if she regrets it you should be ready to support her and not say "told you so". It's nice to experiment and it's what we do at this age, being in my early twenties myself :) :)
Sounds like you've alredy been very helpful with your advice!

I agree. Let her make her choice. It worth the experience (even if she likes the short haircut or not.)

[summergreen]

Thanks for your input Almendra :) I really appreciate all the feedback!

[lapushka]

Sounds to me as though she's pretty determined. And she is allowed to be influenced by friends, that's what they're generally there for. Like it or not. In the end, there's little you can do but be there for her when things go wrong. And a haircut is the least to worry about in that regard.

[intrigued]

Sounds to me as though she's pretty determined. And she is allowed to be influenced by friends, that's what they're generally there for. Like it or not. In the end, there's little you can do but be there for her when things go wrong. And a haircut is the least to worry about in that regard.

IF things go wrong! I'm nitpicking on what's probably just hasty wording, and I agree with you on the other part, humans are social creatures and being influenced by friends isn't necessarily a bad thing. Plenty of people prefer shorter hairstyles and maybe she'll end up being one of them. She can always regrow it, though it'll certainly be a pain if she cuts it short enough to have to go through any awkward stages (where I'm living right now).

[summergreen]

Thanks lapushka, yes she is a typical Taurus haha. You are so right, it's the last thing I need to worry about, I guess my worry has to go somewhere as she doesn't drink, smoke, go to clubs etc etc. So I shall now count my blessings that this is all I have to worry about at the moment!

[summergreen]

Thanks intrigued, good points! :)

[Isilme]

Maybe she just wants to try something new and doesn't really care how it comes out as long as it is short? For us hair means a lot but for millions of people hair is something to experiment with and/or just ignore and get cut whenever it gets too long. At the end of the day hair is hair and it will grow back. At least she isn't into bungee jumping, free diving, swimming with sharks or some other high risk sport:)

[summergreen]

thanks Isilme :) she doesn't necessarily want it short, she just thinks she might NEED to have it short, on the hairdressers say so, to get rid of damage that pretty much doesn't exist :( if she actually wanted it short for its own sake that would be different...you are right that she wants something new though and I am all for that.

[Vrindi]

Maybe she just wants to try something new and doesn't really care how it comes out as long as it is short? For us hair means a lot but for millions of people hair is something to experiment with and/or just ignore and get cut whenever it gets too long. At the end of the day hair is hair and it will grow back. At least she isn't into bungee jumping, free diving, swimming with sharks or some other high risk sport:)

Hey now, the only "high risk" part of swimming with sharks is drowning! :) Most sharks take one look at you and swim away.
Hijack over. ;)

[BlazingHeart]

The one thing I'd recommend (after having had some disastrous hair cuts in high school and college) is that she should make sure that her pictures of what she wants are of people who have a similar amount and type of hair. Asking to have my super-thick, wavy hair cut into a style designed for moderately thin, stick-straight hair was TERRIBLE - I had to cut it much shorter to get it to look normal again. If the picture is of someone with hair like yours, you're more likely to get what you envision.

[summergreen]

That's good advice BlazingHeart! I'll pass it on. Thanks :)

[Tini'sNewHair]

MY little girl whos almost six came very close to going ahead with her decission to cut her almost hip long hair down to chin length. Yes shes little but I really had to back off and let her do it, it was sooooooo hard!!! Honestly, my hand was shaking when i was about to grab the phone to make the appointment. She almost gave me a heart attack haha BUT she changed her mind at the last minute which made me think "hmmm was she testing me?", she probably was knowing how much i treasure her hair but i think that also happened because i "controlled" her hair so much. I always wanted to plat it in all sorts of styles, she didnt!, I wanted to brush it, she didnt so we really had to sit down and rethink everything and let her take charge. She now only lets me oil, brush and do a simple plat at night and THATS IT! She likes her hair down and shes also starting to want to put it up herself. Sorry, i know that this is not going to help you much but i just wanted to say that "I feel for you!!!", but its their ultimate decission to how to take care of their bodies (within age limits for my young daughter) so all we can do is present them with our info and ideas and then step back and let them take the lead from there. Best of wishes to you and your daughter :)

[Firefox7275]

You might point her in the direction of a curly specialist stylist, there are lists on the Deva website and Naturallycurly.

[summergreen]

MY little girl whos almost six came very close to going ahead with her decission to cut her almost hip long hair down to chin length. Yes shes little but I really had to back off and let her do it, it was sooooooo hard!!! Honestly, my hand was shaking when i was about to grab the phone to make the appointment. She almost gave me a heart attack haha BUT she changed her mind at the last minute which made me think "hmmm was she testing me?", she probably was knowing how much i treasure her hair but i think that also happened because i "controlled" her hair so much. I always wanted to plat it in all sorts of styles, she didnt!, I wanted to brush it, she didnt so we really had to sit down and rethink everything and let her take charge. She now only lets me oil, brush and do a simple plat at night and THATS IT! She likes her hair down and shes also starting to want to put it up herself. Sorry, i know that this is not going to help you much but i just wanted to say that "I feel for you!!!", but its their ultimate decission to how to take care of their bodies (within age limits for my young daughter) so all we can do is present them with our info and ideas and then step back and let them take the lead from there. Best of wishes to you and your daughter :)

Thank you Tini - it does help to hear that you feel for me! It sounds like your daughter knows her own mind already!

[summergreen]

You might point her in the direction of a curly specialist stylist, there are lists on the Deva website and Naturallycurly.

That's a great idea, will check them out now, thanks Firefox!

[CurlyCap]

I just want her to make her own, well informed decisions rather than go along with what friends and stylists tell her. Sorry if I sound ridiculous. Please does anyone have any words of wisdom for me?!

Like all things, this takes practice.

So, if it works out great, then fantastic.

If it blows up in her face, she'll learn to think things through next time.

[summergreen]

Thanks Curlycap, very wise words :)

[Lady Mary]

It is her decision (even if it ends badly) however, maybe remind her of how annoying it would be for her if she couldn't put her hair in a ponytail/bun or how frustrating daily ironing can be.

[summergreen]

Lady Mary - yep have pointed this out about being able to put it back/up, and she know from several years ago how damaging straighteners can be! Thanks for your input :)

I've had so many useful responses and everyone's helped me to see how she needs to make this decision for herself (even if the decision is to let someone else make the decision ha ha ) and learn from it if it goes wrong. I've been encouraging her to make her own decisions for years but she hates it and always says 'I don't know...don't give me choices' even if it's just where to have coffee when we're out! It drives her friends crazy too! So hopefully this is all moving in the right direction even if this time it ends up being one step forwards and two back :)

[Firefox7275]

It is her decision (even if it ends badly) however, maybe remind her of how annoying it would be for her if she couldn't put her hair in a ponytail/bun or how frustrating daily ironing can be.

But she wouldn't have to iron it daily if she worked with her natural waves. It's arguably more effort trying to make your hair be something it's not and can easily cause damage which she is cutting to remove. I used to ponytail when wet and leave that 24/7 and it was easy but contributed to wrecking my hair. Unless I'm diffusing (adds fifteen mins to half an hour depending what styler I use) I wouldn't say I spend much more time on my hair than before yet it's healthier and gets compliments.

At it's most basic a Curly Girl style routine is not hard work: I co-wash so skip rinse out conditioner, just go right to leave in conditioner so save time and flushing product down the drain. Plenty of wavies and curlies conditioner-only style but others use a gel, some use a curl cream which they buy in or DIY from conditioner plus a styler so again one step. Then plop instead of towel turban so again no more effort and air dry. Some wavies and curlies can get nice second day hair, others wash daily and still others work with up dos (for shorties twisting sections into a half up with bobby pins can work well).

[summergreen]

But she wouldn't have to iron it daily if she worked with her natural waves. It's arguably more effort trying to make your hair be something it's not and can easily cause damage which she is cutting to remove. I used to ponytail when wet and leave that 24/7 and it was easy but contributed to wrecking my hair. Unless I'm diffusing (adds fifteen mins to half an hour depending what styler I use) I wouldn't say I spend much more time on my hair than before yet it's healthier and gets compliments.

At it's most basic a Curly Girl style routine is not hard work: I co-wash so skip rinse out conditioner, just go right to leave in conditioner so save time and flushing product down the drain. Plenty of wavies and curlies conditioner-only style but others use a gel, some use a curl cream which they buy in or DIY from conditioner plus a styler so again one step. Then plop instead of towel turban so again no more effort and air dry. Some wavies and curlies can get nice second day hair, others wash daily and still others work with up dos (for shorties twisting sections into a half up with bobby pins can work well).

Yes I really hope she'll get a style that works with her natural waves.

I told her about the CurlyGirl method a couple of years ago and encouraged her to try it...she tried plopping once and gave up. Hair maintenance is really not her thing!
She's become convinced that her canopy hair being straighter than the rest means it's damaged (it's not, slightly dry maybe but the different texture is just normal for her) and I think she's expecting the hairdresser to have a magic solution that'll have her walking out with a totally different hair type. I guess most of us have been there at some time though!

[Lady Mary]

But she wouldn't have to iron it daily if she worked with her natural waves. It's arguably more effort trying to make your hair be something it's not and can easily cause damage which she is cutting to remove. I used to ponytail when wet and leave that 24/7 and it was easy but contributed to wrecking my hair. Unless I'm diffusing (adds fifteen mins to half an hour depending what styler I use) I wouldn't say I spend much more time on my hair than before yet it's healthier and gets compliments.

Oh, I know, absolutely. I just have seen a lot of curly/wavy girls get short cuts (and the stylist blow-dries or straightens their hair) so they sort of get this unrealistic expectation about the cut. I guess a lot of hair stylists just don't know how to work with curls so instead they push styles on people that include "taming" them rather than working with them. I have seen plenty of really cute short cuts that were on curly hair. I've just also seen the opposite :( And of course, this reminds me how much I wished mine was curly. :o

[rose313]

I don't know if this has been suggested, but find out what salon she's going to, and Yelp it. I know there are some salons in my area that do wonders for certain hair types, especially short, wavy, and curly. It might help you feel better knowing that she's in good hands. You could even help her by picking a salon with her (you can do that even over the phone or online since she's away at college) especially if she doesn't know where she's going or if she wants to go to some random walk in salon, you could help her choose a better one. That way you have some control over it and it could be like a family activity.

[summergreen]

I don't know if this has been suggested, but find out what salon she's going to, and Yelp it. I know there are some salons in my area that do wonders for certain hair types, especially short, wavy, and curly. It might help you feel better knowing that she's in good hands. You could even help her by picking a salon with her (you can do that even over the phone or online since she's away at college) especially if she doesn't know where she's going or if she wants to go to some random walk in salon, you could help her choose a better one. That way you have some control over it and it could be like a family activity.

Thanks rose313 :) thats a good idea, but she is going to the salon and stylist her friend goes to, and her friend is going with her. I did tell her about 2 curl stylists from the Naturally Curly list reasonably near to where she is but she's happy going to this one ( and thought they'd be too expensive, also she'd have to pay to travel).

She has said now that she is definitely looking for styles, and agreed that taking pictures of them was a good idea, so I feel much better about it now! I have said about looking for styles on people with similar hair type and face shape so hopefully she'll take that on board :)

[summergreen]

Update!

She had her hair cut today and is very happy with it :)

I haven't seen it but she says it is brushing shoulders (in fact longer than this but her hair has gone into 'tight curls' without the weight - which she's pleased about) and a side fringe - and it is long enough to tie back/put up. She did look at styles, take pictures in etc. Thanks again to everyone for all the good advice!

[lapushka]

Looks like it's worked out in the end. You can be nothing but pleased that she's happy with the cut. :)

[rose313]

That's awesome, it sounds very nice. See, there was nothing to worry about! :)

[summergreen]

Looks like it's worked out in the end. You can be nothing but pleased that she's happy with the cut. :)

Yes very pleased that she's happy!


That's awesome, it sounds very nice. See, there was nothing to worry about! :)

Lol, it was constructive worry though as I got a lot of good advice here to pass on to her!

[catamonica]

Buy your daughter a hairstyle magazine. Then you can both look at hairstyles, and that might help her make up her mind.