That's kinda irritating

[lora410]

My fiancée said to me he interns with a girlwho has classic length hair and he ask her if she does anything to it. Her response was "i'm Asian" I said well what that supposed to mean. He goes she has perfect hair. I said nobody has perfect hair, and he goes well she does. I don't know if I am more irritated because she thinks because she is Asian she has the best hair in the world or that my fiancee does and rarely compliments mine :(

ETA: I had avocado treatment on my head at the time; which prompted him to say what he said.

[NiAosSi]

Hmm. I am 1/3 Japanese and by no means have 'perfect' hair. It has its days and it's wavy! So, my guess is, she's a snot. Sorry if this wasn't much help. I would be offended, actually, I AM offended by her ignorant remark.

[midnighttrain]

That's really strange. I've had class with an Asian girl who admired my hair for its curliness because she can't keep curls in hers no matter how hard she tried. So just being Asian doesn't mean you get the hair you think is perfect, unless you really love perfectly flat hair (and there's nothing wrong with that).
Maybe your fiance doesn't compliment your hair because he sees it all the time and he's gotten used to it?

[Lamb]

It may not have been as bad as you think. If that girl is a non-native speaker of English, "I am Asian" may simply have stood for "I am Asian, and Asian hair doesn't really need special care, so I don't do anything to it apart from standard care." (Which I can imagine is the truth.)
It was your fiance who said she had perfect hair, not her!
And men are really funny sometimes. There are few among them who know that raving about another woman's beauty may not bring smiles on their partner's face... :rolleyes: They just don't get it.

[Slug Yoga]

My fiancée said to me he interns with a girlwho has classic length hair and he ask her if she does anything to it. Her response was "i'm Asian" I said well what that supposed to mean. He goes she has perfect hair. I said nobody has perfect hair, and he goes well she does. I don't know if I am more irritated because she thinks because she is Asian she has the best hair in the world or that my fiancee does and rarely compliments mine :(

Maybe she gets a lot of people thinking she straight-irons it or has extensions or something, and assumed that's what he meant by "do anything to it"? I guess that's what I'd think of first by the phrase "do you 'do anything' to your hair"--some kind of processing or techniques beyond wash it and take care of it. "I'm Asian" would be, to me, a reasonable response to that, from someone a bit annoyed by all the questions about how "real" their hair is, explaining that it's naturally very straight. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I am sorry you feel like your fiancee doesn't compliment your hair enough. I'm sure it's beautiful, and very healthy.

[ChloeDharma]

Well, first off, in your avatar pic your hair looks beautiful, shiney and a lovely rich colour.
The girls comment.....it's always hard to know how to take it second hand, your boyfriend wont have accurately repeated any non-verbal communication that went with her comment, or her tone of voice.....and knowing men, probably not all of what she said......she may even have said it in a negative way towards herself for all you know....so i'd take that with a pinch of salt.
I do find it rude of him though, to not tell you your hair is beautiful and highlight what he likes about it is bad enough given he probably knows how important it is to you....but to then go and tell you how beautiful this womans hair is knowing he never says that to you i actually find sinister, as if he's using it as a weapon to dent your self esteem or make you feel insecure. I might be completely wrong, but if a boyfriend did that to me i'd definately be having a conversation, and possibly commenting on a man i know who has much nicer muscles than him.

[Shanarana]

oh honey, don't let that bother you...........he is commeted to you!!! There will always be ladies with hair better than us.......but that is just hair.......you have something more, never forget that. :)

[Teazel]

I agree with Slug Yoga. And it's always easy to get the wrong end of the stick when a conversation's second-hand. I wouldn't waste time resenting the woman.

Some men - many men: most men, maybe - are hopeless with compliments. They think that if they've commented on your appearance at some point in the past then you know what they think about it, and there's no need to say it again. It might be helpful if you pointed out to your fiancée that women see things differently. ;)

[dorothea-brooke]

Sorry, Lora -- it's not fun to hear someone else praised for something 1. that we pride ourselves on as well; 2. that that person does not compliment us for; and 3. especially when said person is our partner! :(

Your hair is gorgeous. It's entirely possible that your DF doesn't even realize that he doesn't compliment it, because he assumes that he has said these things aloud. I definitely think you should ask him about it -- don't let it fester! You can keep it light, and non-confrontational -- but it's also only fair to give him a chance to be a good BF. :)

[ChloeDharma]

I agree that many men don't seem to understand the emotional needs of a woman, but i don't really think that's an excuse to not learn. Unfortunately men have gotten away with so much both now and in the past by women using the excuse "they are men, they can't help it" it was a classic defence for rape, violence, cheating.....yes they are men, and yes they can help it.....some just like to keep up the excuse that testosterone justifies poor behaviour and being inconsiderate.......sorry, soapbox now....but women really need to wake up and stop putting up with that rubbish, we deserve better.

[JessTheMess]

In some odd way, it might have been his way of bonding with you about hair. I wouldn't sweat it... You have beautiful hair yourself...:flowers:

[dorothea-brooke]

In some odd way, it might have been his way of bonding with you about hair. I wouldn't sweat it... You have beautiful hair yourself...:flowers:

Good point! My DH mentions hair all the time to me now, cause he knows I'm ... erm ... "interested" in hair. :silly:

[30isthenewblack]

I think it's kind of cute that he takes an interest in hair simply because you're interested. If he thinks she has perfect hair, I'd hate to think what comments he would make about my hair lol. My curly hair looks high maintenance but it really isn't! I wouldn't put too much thought into what the lady with Asian hair said. I have a lot of Asian women complimenting me on my curls.

[longhairedfairy]

He may have been asking in order to find out if there was any special recipe/treatment she used so that he could tell you about it. Maybe he just wanted to find out because it might be something that he thought you would be interested in trying. (Did that make sense?)

[MotherConfessor]

Don't let it bug you, we have all seen how things can get taken out of context. If i were to guess I would say its his implication that her hair is perfect thats really getting under your skin. Yeah, I could see that. But guys don't generally think the same way we do, I once had a conversation with a male friend of mine who could not understand why his girlfriend was frustrated with him (she had worked really hard to look nice one night and when he said nothing she accused him of never complimenting her).

"I don't get it! I've told her shes beautiful. What more does she want?"
"When?"
"When what?"
"When did you tell her that she was beautiful?"
"Well, I don't know exactly when, but I have!"
"If you cant remember exactly when it was too long ago."

To which I get a blanks stare.
"How often am I supposed to compliment her?"

Sigh.
"How about this, at least once a day and then anytime you notice anything good about her."
"Really... Why?"

Sigh.

Fortuanetly since then he has had no trouble at all in the field. He now knows what makes her happy and thats what he does. In short, tell him. If it bugs you don't let it simmer under the surface, he would not want that either. So just tell him, feel free to give him the above guideline; once a day and every time he notices something good.

Just a thought

[Bene]

my mother, being of amerindian descent has that kind of hair. and she didn't ever do anything to it but wash, towel dry and comb it. nothing special.



i grew up with the idea that the thick straight black hair that is common in asian women IS the ideal of beautiful hair. and while this can be shocking to westerners, is it all that different from viewing long blonde hair as the ideal of feminine beauty?



this is gonna sound kinda cruel, but i see it as having the tables turned on westerners.

[Denebi]

Oh my.... men can be so unsensitive....

I would not blame the girl. I think that she probably hears very often that her hair cannot be real, and that she has to have some 'tricks' to get such beautiful hair. Which is quite annoying, and her response is just natural, given the fact that Asian hair is able to look like that naturally.

Your beloved man needs maybe a little hint to admire your hair the way it deserves. Maybe you can just tell him, that you are not so lucky to grow perfect hair, but you do your best to make it as perfect as it can be. It's a part of you and your own beauty, and though maybe not perfect, nevertheless adorable. And to keep it in this condition, you have to put avocado on your hair, or do some other treatment. So, he should appreciate this a bit more, because that's your way of achieving beautiful hair.

Well, something like that.
But really, you should tell him!

Good luck and all the best...

[k_hepburn]

My guess is that, since he was telling you this story, it was actually him trying to express how he has taken an interest in hair and hair care because of you, and, being male, he is now offering you advice on the best techniques to achieve great hair, having done his "research". Annoying, yes, but well intentioned.

I'm not surprised at the girl's reaction, though - here's a male she's working with not just complementing her on her looks but actually inquiring about her hare care routine! She was probably wondering if this was some weird kind of a come on, so to cut it off right at the base she just gave him the most minimal response possible. If the same comment had come from a female colleague, her response may have been far more elaborate. All the time your boyfriend, being so familiar with the aspects of female hair care through you, probably didn't have the first clue that his interest might be interpreted as rather personal and odd.

katharine

[Arctic_Mama]

Ugh, that's men for you. I imagine she misunderstood his question as a matter of straightness and not overall care. And Asian hair is, in general, courser strands (but it feels smooth because of the shaft and cuticle) and very resilient compared to finer Caucasian hair. Normal care probably wouldn't harm hers as much as someone else if theirs is more fragile.

Your hair is STUNNING. But I'd ask him what he thinks of YOUR hair if you're feeling a bit down over this. It's likely he's just being a guy and didn't get that you might consider it a slight. My husband is like that all the time - he doesn't think he needs to say things, and then it comes out that I am bothered by it and he was well meaning but clueless about the entire snit I've gotten myself into!

[Arctic_Mama]

In some odd way, it might have been his way of bonding with you about hair. I wouldn't sweat it... You have beautiful hair yourself...:flowers:

I hadn't thought of that, but you might be right! My husband will occasionally do something like that to show he's listening to me and cares about my hobbies, even if he garbles it badly!

[Akiko]

Hello, I am new to this board.

Hmmm. I am 100% Japanese and never ever thought Asians have perfect hair. We do have problems! I have lot of problems.

Maybe your fiancée told her she has nice silky straight black hair?

Some Asians, like my sister, have very very silky perfectly straight dark hair, though. It is so silky and straight that it is truly difficult to braid. It cannot be curled either. Whether it is called perfect or not is just preference, I guess. I always wanted to curl my hair, never succeeded. SO I just settled with my stubbornly straight hair.

Don't let his word bother you. Your hair looks very attractive. That is what I always wanted. Nice dark hair with gentle waves. You should be proud of your hair. Your fiancée need to realize how beautiful your hair is...

[dorothea-brooke]

Hello, I am new to this board.
<snip>
Don't let his word bother you. Your hair looks very attractive. That is what I always wanted. Nice dark hair with gentle waves. You should be proud of your hair. Your fiancée need to realize how beautiful your hair is...

What a sweet post! Welcome to LHC. :flower:

[lora410]

Hello, I am new to this board.

Hmmm. I am 100% Japanese and never ever thought Asians have perfect hair. We do have problems! I have lot of problems.

Maybe your fiancée told her she has nice silky straight black hair?

Some Asians, like my sister, have very very silky perfectly straight dark hair, though. It is so silky and straight that it is truly difficult to braid. It cannot be curled either. Whether it is called perfect or not is just preference, I guess. I always wanted to curl my hair, never succeeded. SO I just settled with my stubbornly straight hair.

Don't let his word bother you. Your hair looks very attractive. That is what I always wanted. Nice dark hair with gentle waves. You should be proud of your hair. Your fiancée need to realize how beautiful your hair is...


thank you so much, that was very sweet of you :)

[Tressie]

I think he is a thoughtless clod!

[liseling]

my mother, being of amerindian descent has that kind of hair. and she didn't ever do anything to it but wash, towel dry and comb it. nothing special.



i grew up with the idea that the thick straight black hair that is common in asian women IS the ideal of beautiful hair. and while this can be shocking to westerners, is it all that different from viewing long blonde hair as the ideal of feminine beauty?



this is gonna sound kinda cruel, but i see it as having the tables turned on westerners.


Everyone has their own opinion as to what beautiful hair looks like and may not have a concept of an "ideal of beautiful hair", but appreciate the beauty of several types of hair for their own unique ways of being beautiful.
It seems like in this post you assume that westerners all think that "long blonde" hair is THE ideal of beautiful hair. I think you'll find that this is far from the truth. Not only this, but you mention "thick straight black hair" that is "common in asian women" as if it is diametrically comparable to long blond hair: as if a majority of westerners had this type of long blond hair. This is not true by a long shot and it is a stereotype. Westerners have hair in every shade and texture and I havnt done any research, but I'm willing to bet that a population survey of 'westerners' would reveal that blonds are a minority.
It's not "shocking", to me or probably most other westerners, that you admire thick black straight hair as the ideal of beautiful hair. I think that as many people in western countries would love to have that type of hair as people who would want long blonde hair.

So for you to see admiration for this type of hair as "having the tables turned on westerners" is not cruel, as you say, but just doesnt make any sense according to reality.
Not only that but it also shows that you generalize quite a lot about what 'westerners' look like and aspire to look like.
That's a shame if you've expereinced people saying that "long blond hair" is 'better' than the kind of hair your mother has or maybe that you have, but let me assure you that that is not what most people believe, I think, even if they love their own blond hair or admire it on others. And it's not fair or accurate for you to stereotype westerners as long-haired blondes (or aspiring long-haired blondes) who think that that hair type is better than everyone else's.

And it is especially inappropriate for you to express this opinion of yours when the OP is feeling low about her own hair (which, by the way, looks beautiful from what I can see). It seems almost as if you think that for her hair to be found lacking in comparison with this other woman's Asian hair is fair play and 'turn and turn about', when it is actually just a matter of opinion and maybe some miscommunication on her BF's part.

Anyway I'm finished with my lecture now. This was just something that I myself found "kinda irritating"

[ChloeDharma]

Everyone has their own opinion as to what beautiful hair looks like and may not have a concept of an "ideal of beautiful hair", but appreciate the beauty of several types of hair for their own unique ways of being beautiful.
It seems like in this post you assume that westerners all think that "long blonde" hair is THE ideal of beautiful hair. I think you'll find that this is far from the truth. Not only this, but you mention "thick straight black hair" that is "common in asian women" as if it is diametrically comparable to long blond hair: as if a majority of westerners had this type of long blond hair. This is not true by a long shot and it is a stereotype. Westerners have hair in every shade and texture and I havnt done any research, but I'm willing to bet that a population survey of 'westerners' would reveal that blonds are a minority.
It's not "shocking", to me or probably most other westerners, that you admire thick black straight hair as the ideal of beautiful hair. I think that as many people in western countries would love to have that type of hair as people who would want long blonde hair.

So for you to see admiration for this type of hair as "having the tables turned on westerners" is not cruel, as you say, but just doesnt make any sense according to reality.
Not only that but it also shows that you generalize quite a lot about what 'westerners' look like and aspire to look like.
That's a shame if you've expereinced people saying that "long blond hair" is 'better' than the kind of hair your mother has or maybe that you have, but let me assure you that that is not what most people believe, I think, even if they love their own blond hair or admire it on others. And it's not fair or accurate for you to stereotype westerners as long-haired blondes (or aspiring long-haired blondes) who think that that hair type is better than everyone else's.

And it is especially inappropriate for you to express this opinion of yours when the OP is feeling low about her own hair (which, by the way, looks beautiful from what I can see). It seems almost as if you think that for her hair to be found lacking in comparison with this other woman's Asian hair is fair play and 'turn and turn about', when it is actually just a matter of opinion and maybe some miscommunication on her BF's part.

Anyway I'm finished with my lecture now. This was just something that I myself found "kinda irritating"

I'm glad someone else said this.....i had decided not to reply because i didn't want to get into some kind of argument, but i very much agree with what you said and found the comment quite hostile.
I hate this attitude that women are always having to compete against each other and one style is "superior" to another and part of the reason i love coming here is because normally we don't get that kind of crap expressed on these boards, especially about hair.

[liseling]

I'm glad someone else said this.....i had decided not to reply because i didn't want to get into some kind of argument, but i very much agree with what you said and found the comment quite hostile.
I hate this attitude that women are always having to compete against each other and one style is "superior" to another and part of the reason i love coming here is because normally we don't get that kind of crap expressed on these boards, especially about hair.


Totally. I had been camping when the thread had originally been put up and that post appeared, and I saw it when I was checking email on my phone. I made up my mind that I was going to reply to that as soon as I got back. It just really pushed my buttons!

[Medvssa]

It may not have been as bad as you think. If that girl is a non-native speaker of English, "I am Asian" may simply have stood for "I am Asian, and Asian hair doesn't really need special care, so I don't do anything to it apart from standard care." (Which I can imagine is the truth.)
It was your fiance who said she had perfect hair, not her!



I was gonna say the same thing. She didn't say her hair was perfect, she was just explaining why it is like it is.

You man has been rude and insensitive to you though. He needs to have this pointed out.