Very frustrated with hair (curlies will sympathize)

[chen bao jun]

I just have a need to vent.
I am so FRUSTRATED with my hair.
I rarely wear it out and it is growing and growing. It has grown about 10 inches since last year, when I joined and is now definitely at bra strap, which most people consider to be long hair IRL (though not on this forum, of course).
It is also in super great condition.
But because I am a curly, it just does not LOOK long and I'm starting to feel like it never will.
I wore it out today and got lots of compliments about my 'beautiful hair' but I just feel like I would like someone to say, 'look how long your hair is!'
But why would they? It does not appear to be even shoulder length.
I know that if I flat ironed it, people would compliment me on the length, but I just hate my flat ironed hair.

OK, I know I sound like a baby and that I have a lot to be grateful for, and that I am wanting contradictory things, curls and the appearance of length.

but today I actually felt for the first time since being on this forum, why am I even bothering trying to grow my hair, maybe I should accept that I have nice curls and stop working so hard on the growth that no else can even see, that that's just pointless.

[jeanniet]

I can really understand the frustration of being a tightly curly and wanting to grow your hair out--I mean, look at how frustrated people get here over normal growth of 1/2" a month that they can actually see! Waiting months and not having your hair look any longer must be :brickwall. I have shrinkage, but not nearly the amount you're talking about.

Maybe what you need to do is reboot your thinking. Instead of focusing on growth, focus on the health and beauty of your curls, and let the growth be incidental. In other words, don't pay attention to the growth--don't stretch, don't measure, and don't flat iron. Just let it be what it is. Maybe it'll be long enough in time, and maybe it won't. But either way it doesn't have to drive you crazy.

[vendethiel]

I just want to chime in and say that I have beyond classic length hair and people rarely comment on it. I think in the past year I've had 2 people say something. If they say anything, they say, "your hair is long" and then change the subject. Sometimes they even say it in a tone that feels very condescending, as though they feel the need to mention the length of my hair, but not approve of it. I would love to have someone look at my hair and say it was beautiful, usually they just think it is weird. So, don't be discouraged by the existence or lack of comments. People tend to be extremely wrapped up in their own lives and can barely notice anything not directly related to themselves.

So, grow your hair if you like it, don't grow it if you don't. It should be a personal decision on your part, not something that someone else influences. You need to do what you do with your hair because you love it, not because anyone else loves it. If you want the length, even if people don't notice, go for it. Otherwise, don't. I know this isn't very helpful, but if you don't love what you do, you will always be looking for something else, some other way to be happy. So focus on doing what you love with your hair.

Also, I think there are some no heat ways to straighten your hair if you even want to straighten: I've seen this one (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bb2YIipK5nQ) and this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZaKn3WzlrlM) and this (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1RO-d1Z9Hs) seem to be pretty popular. But my hair isn't curly enough to straighten, so I don't really know if they are helpful or not. Personally, I adore curly hair just the way it is.

[CurlyCap]

Take heart in the fact that you have awesome hair.

I just passed WL with curly 3b, and to most people it still looks barely APL. But it's GLOSSY and FULL, and people have started to notice that they don't see curly healthy hair like this in real life. People I've worked with for years are also shocked that it grows, as if they believed curly hair could only be one length.

Long hair as a curly is a very long road, but it makes you very special for being able to take that journey. There are lots of people with curly hair and very few who even make it to BSL with natural curly hair. And if you grew 10 inches in one year, imagine what you'll have in 5 years.

Curly hair is amazing, and you've got it. Rock it, love it, and let the haters hate. Cause they have to buy a wig to have hair like yours!

ETA: You might also try wearing your hair out more. I don't know if you're a 3 or a 4, but I would hate my hair growth journey if every day centered around protecting my hair instead of enjoying it. I grow 10-12" of hair a year, with two 1" cuts spaced 6 months apart. So there's lots of length gained every year, mechanical damage is managed, and I can still whip my hair when I want because it makes me happy. Just a thought.

[SoftCurlyHair]

:grouphug:.

[thistledown]

I have long poker straight hair, BCL, and I rarely get any comments apart from about 2 condescending 'your hair is so long. Maybe you should cut it!' per year and once every 3 years or so (usually from an older gentlemen) 'you have lovely hair'. That's it. Mostly people just think I'm a die hard religious nut and say nothing. *sigh* I'd love someone to tell me I had beautiful hair! And I have a serious case of curl envy too ;)

[Beborani]

Would another year, ten inches of growth make it appear Apl? In that case you just need to trudge on? I know on these boards curls are defined by number pattern but I have had a hard time placing myself on those. I looked up Lorraine Massey's book, also on devachan website, a way to define curls by shrinkage and that was far more enlightening for me. While I am not particularly focussed on gaining length asap as I have had long hair before, it helps to understand my curl pattern when I am measuring for growth. At this point when stretched I am close to hip at the longest layers but I look midback (as in actual mid). For me this is an advantage as my wispier end look more full curly. Compliments of any kind are nice, enjoy!

[Firefox7275]

I just have a need to vent.
I am so FRUSTRATED with my hair.
I rarely wear it out and it is growing and growing. It has grown about 10 inches since last year, when I joined and is now definitely at bra strap, which most people consider to be long hair IRL (though not on this forum, of course).
It is also in super great condition.
But because I am a curly, it just does not LOOK long and I'm starting to feel like it never will.
I wore it out today and got lots of compliments about my 'beautiful hair' but I just feel like I would like someone to say, 'look how long your hair is!'
But why would they? It does not appear to be even shoulder length.
I know that if I flat ironed it, people would compliment me on the length, but I just hate my flat ironed hair.

OK, I know I sound like a baby and that I have a lot to be grateful for, and that I am wanting contradictory things, curls and the appearance of length.

but today I actually felt for the first time since being on this forum, why am I even bothering trying to grow my hair, maybe I should accept that I have nice curls and stop working so hard on the growth that no else can even see, that that's just pointless.

If your hair is in great condition and not yet sitting on the shoulders why not wear it loose and enjoy it? It shouldn't get caught if you are a little careful. There are way of elongating the curls without losing them, have you checked out YouTube?

[Upside Down]

Though I don't have so much shrinkage, I can relate :) I am somewhere mid back closing up on waist, but curly it appears around bsl.

Fortunately (?) I like my hair straightened as well as curly so when I feel like I haven't "felt" it long in a while, I have it straightened.
Sure it's damaging, but feels good, so I let myself go once in a while :)

Hope you can enjoy your hair as it is... remember that for most people even APL is "long hair" anyway :) :)

[HylianGirl]

Hey, just wanted to say that once I hit about waist my wurls have started to get very loose (that was before I hennaed), and it makes me miss my more defined curls, and even though I have a loose curl pattern, I also get a bit of shinkage (not as much as you, though), When I pull my hair to make the strand straight it goes down to my hip, wereas my normal texture is a bit past waist. Since your hair has tighter curls you probably will be able to enjoy those for longer than I have. It is unsual to see beautifull healthy curly hair nowadays, showw them off with pride!

[chen bao jun]

You guys ROCK.
Thanks for the encouragement, it really helped. I will think about some of your suggestions.
My shrinkage varies, its between 25% and 33% depending. I know there's worse, my mom (who has beautiful soft hair) has like 70%.
I don't know what curl pattern I have. I'm tightly curly but on the looser side of tightly curly. I guess maybe 3c? some spirals are pencil diameter, some almost (but not quite) magic marker. My curls often look 'fuzzy' though rather than 'silky' and I would definitely say my curls look 'ethnic'.
I don't use any curl enhancing products, I wash with VO5 conditioner and my leave in is a little bit of Tresseme smooth and silky (not the tresemme 'naturals') or else Garnier triple nutrition. I pretreat with olive oil or do SMTs before washing with olive oil. i do a variation of Terry La flesh's tightly curly method.
I don't wear my hair out much because single strand knots are a plague.

[Beborani]

http://www.mydevacurl.com/curly_lifestyle/curl_types/corkscrew

Does this descriibe you? Or
http://www.mydevacurl.com/curly_lifestyle/curl_types/botticelli

I am closer to boticelli and some of those descriptions are on the mark. I was very impressed with her analysis.

I also follow routine similar to yours occasionally adding gel or mousse but mostly just a leave in conditioner. On the number scale I am probably 2c to 3b. I think 25-33 percent shrinkage is not at all bad and it likely to elongate as your hair grows.

[chen bao jun]

Thanks, Beborani. i never heard of this curl typing system before. I would say that my curls definitely fall more into the 'corkscrew' category. However, my hair is not fine and delicate at all. I have coarse strands, mostly. Some medium, but they are definitely mainly coarse. My hair does not eat up conditioner. I had to modify the tightly curly method because all the conditioner that Terry LaFlesh suggests was leaving my hair greasy. but I do need quite a lot of conditioner and aloe vera gel or some humectant really helps. I also am not prone to tangles at the nape of the neck, or in fact, anywhere. I can get tangles, but I have to do something to get them, such as comb from the top, or sleep with loose hair. I am much more prone to single strand knots than tangles.

I wonder if my curls really will 'grow out' as my hair gets heavier? I think it is possible, as they are actually already looser than they were last year, noticeably looser (and my hair is only BSL stretched now). Also, my grandmother and aunts all had hair that appeared to be wavy at the length that they had (waist to classic). However, when it was cut it would really sproing up. One of my aunts cut a haircut and immediately looked practically as if she had an afro. When her hair grew back to her waist, it didn't even look curly, just wavy. I have to say that I hope this doesn't happen. I love having sproingy curls and don't like my hair as much when it straightens out.

I want the impossible--really curly curls and an appearance of length, too! lol

Thank you guys again for your encouragement. I will definitely stick with this another year. And this was a good reminder to not focus so much on getting compliments from other people. I do very often feel that I would love to hear someone say 'your hair is getting so long!' just once. I was surprised that hear that those of you with really really long hair (more than I could ever hope for) don't often hear that. So many people on this forum have such gorgeous length!

I will count myself lucky that people do often tell me that I have beautiful hair (probably just because its still not all that common to see natural curls being worn, but I won't look a gift horse in the mouth). The length will probably come; the appearance of length may or may not come, but I need to count my blessings. One of which is belonging to such a supportive group. Thanks again for taking the time to respond and encourage.

[PetuniaBlossom]

As CurlyCap says above:

"Long hair as a curly is a very long road...."

So right. I'm 2C/3A mostly 3A. I'm also very tall (5'10") so we're talking a long journey indeed, and very few compliments on length along the way. What might be hip on another, shorter person is barely waist on me. I'm clear that my hair will likely have to be well past fingertip before it starts attracting the occasional compliment. So what I've chosen to do is give myself an extravagant hair compliment every day. "Wow, what gorgeous hair. And so long." "Girl, what's your secret, your hair is fabulous." "What a magnificent head of hair, I've never seen anything like it." The more extravagant, the better! Of course, it's giggle time whenever I do it, but it's still fun!

[Firefox7275]

You guys ROCK.
Thanks for the encouragement, it really helped. I will think about some of your suggestions.
My shrinkage varies, its between 25% and 33% depending. I know there's worse, my mom (who has beautiful soft hair) has like 70%.
I don't know what curl pattern I have. I'm tightly curly but on the looser side of tightly curly. I guess maybe 3c? some spirals are pencil diameter, some almost (but not quite) magic marker. My curls often look 'fuzzy' though rather than 'silky' and I would definitely say my curls look 'ethnic'.
I don't use any curl enhancing products, I wash with VO5 conditioner and my leave in is a little bit of Tresseme smooth and silky (not the tresemme 'naturals') or else Garnier triple nutrition. I pretreat with olive oil or do SMTs before washing with olive oil. i do a variation of Terry La flesh's tightly curly method.
I don't wear my hair out much because single strand knots are a plague.

Maybe you could use more leave in conditioner to control the fluffiness/ fuzziness and weigh the curls down somewhat? I use a fair bit and I only have armpit length wavy hair; conditioner only styling is a legitimate technique. Also are you clarifying regularly? That conditioner contains quite a few silicones which conditioner washing won't remove, build up can contribute to knotting and tangling.

[Hootenanny]

I can really feel you on the frustration of not showing your true length, chen bao jun! My hair is just a few inches from waist when stretched or soaking wet, but it's barely below APL when dry and curly. I lose at least a third of my total length. It really is frustrating, but the folks in this thread have given great advice. I have just a couple small things to add.

First, do you use any products on your hair, other than aloe gel? There are a couple things I could recommend that might help the curls to hang a little longer, while not sacrificing the sproinginess. Both Kinky-curly Custard and Uncle Funky's Daughter Curly Magic seem to lengthen my curls without turning them into waves, somehow. It's pretty amazing! Second, if you are concerned about losing your sproinginess (love this word! :) ) at a longer length, once you hair is longer you could have some layers added. Finally, if you don't already have an account there, you might consider joining NaturallyCurly.com. That's the site I first started on in my journey to love my curls, and it really is a wonderful place to get info on maximizing your curls.

Your hair sounds just beautiful, btw! :)

[lapushka]

Maybe what you need to do is reboot your thinking. Instead of focusing on growth, focus on the health and beauty of your curls, and let the growth be incidental. In other words, don't pay attention to the growth--don't stretch, don't measure, and don't flat iron. Just let it be what it is. Maybe it'll be long enough in time, and maybe it won't. But either way it doesn't have to drive you crazy.

This is great advice, agreeing totally!

[Sharysa]

Good lord, my hair's borderline wavy and it only has about two inches of shrinkage. It already drives me nuts--I can't imagine having full-on curly hair. *hugs*

Maybe you could try loosening your curls up without actually straightening it? Lots of straight-haired people use braid-waves to, you know, make their hair more wavy, but I've seen at least one curly-haired person either here or Untamed Tresses say that they use braid-waves to calm their hair down.

Or maybe you could just comb your hair just enough to stretch the wave out a bit.

[CurlyCap]

What do you mean by leave in products making your hair look greasy?

I have to use a TON of product on my hair and my hair looks disgusting until its almost dry. When it is closer to dry, the hair suddenly is just smooth and incredibly springy. This is party of the reason why I prefer to do my hair at night. With curly hair, you throw out all the rules regarding what's a 'normal' amount of product.

Have you tried putting silicone free condition in your hair until it is literally soaking and letting it air dry?

Also, the current Garnier formula is now silicone heavy and therefore terrible for buildup. And it does feel greasy. Try something like any suave conditioner. Your hair can be coarse but still have defined curls. Something in your routine may be off still and need tweaking.

My routine is posted in my blog if that might help. I didn't see any pictures of your hair in your profile, so I don't know how translatable my regimen might be....

HTH

[Mya]

My hair is almost waist length when stretched, but isn't even BSL when curly. Quite frustrating considering I'm growing out layers, so I have poofy chin length hair and the rest of hair looks like tentacles. What keeps me happy is that I know my hair keeps getting better and longer. Also, I see that a lot of people will try anything to get the curls I have naturally, so... maybe that hair actually is quite cool. If you grow curly long hair, it's going to be outstanding, and all you need is to do nothing. :blossom:

[Mya]

As CurlyCap says above:

"Long hair as a curly is a very long road...."

So right. I'm 2C/3A mostly 3A. I'm also very tall (5'10") so we're talking a long journey indeed, and very few compliments on length along the way. What might be hip on another, shorter person is barely waist on me. I'm clear that my hair will likely have to be well past fingertip before it starts attracting the occasional compliment. So what I've chosen to do is give myself an extravagant hair compliment every day. "Wow, what gorgeous hair. And so long." "Girl, what's your secret, your hair is fabulous." "What a magnificent head of hair, I've never seen anything like it." The more extravagant, the better! Of course, it's giggle time whenever I do it, but it's still fun!

That's SUPER nice! :grnbiggri :heartbeat

[chen bao jun]

Maybe you could use more leave in conditioner to control the fluffiness/ fuzziness and weigh the curls down somewhat? I use a fair bit and I only have armpit length wavy hair; conditioner only styling is a legitimate technique. Also are you clarifying regularly? That conditioner contains quite a few silicones which conditioner washing won't remove, build up can contribute to knotting and tangling.
Hmm. Maybe I need some new techniques..
I do clarify.
I do know conditioner only styling in a legitimate technique and I was doing it for about 9 months but so far I am happier with less, my hair was taking forever to try and it was really very greasy. I have a greasiness problem which I am trying to solve which I think has to do with being low porosity, am trying to figure out how much I need. Thanks for your suggestions.

[chen bao jun]

First, do you use any products on your hair, other than aloe gel? There are a couple things I could recommend that might help the curls to hang a little longer, while not sacrificing the sproinginess. Both Kinky-curly Custard and Uncle Funky's Daughter Curly Magic seem to lengthen my curls without turning them into waves, somehow. It's pretty amazing! Second, if you are concerned about losing your sproinginess (love this word! :) ) at a longer length, once you hair is longer you could have some layers added. Finally, if you don't already have an account there, you might consider joining NaturallyCurly.com. That's the site I first started on in my journey to love my curls, and it really is a wonderful place to get info on maximizing your curls.


Your hair sounds just beautiful, btw! :)
thanks for the compliment!
I do use a shea butter mixture that my sister in law makes up sometimes for moisture.
also, sometimes I use flax seed gel for curl.
I tried Kinky curly last year and found it made my hair gummy, but maybe I could try it again this year.

[Quixii]

Growing long curly hair takes time. :) The best way to do it is to just sit back and enjoy the journey, and not stress too much about it.

[chen bao jun]

Growing long curly hair takes time. :) The best way to do it is to just sit back and enjoy the journey, and not stress too much about it.
Well, Quixii, seeing yours is an inspiration. How long did it take you?

[lacefrost]

Um! No one else is thudding about this insane growth. 10 inches a year? 12? chen bao jun! CurlyCap! :thud:

Okay, now share the love. No, really. I get 6 inches a year (maybe). I wouldn't mind an extra few inches!

[Firefox7275]

Hmm. Maybe I need some new techniques..
I do clarify.
I do know conditioner only styling in a legitimate technique and I was doing it for about 9 months but so far I am happier with less, my hair was taking forever to try and it was really very greasy. I have a greasiness problem which I am trying to solve which I think has to do with being low porosity, am trying to figure out how much I need. Thanks for your suggestions.

Maybe use a product so rich in oils or butters, less grease? Butters particularly can build up, leaving the hair gummy or sticky rather than slippy. Fatty alcohols are particularly good for clumping and are not greasy.


thanks for the compliment!
I do use a shea butter mixture that my sister in law makes up sometimes for moisture.
also, sometimes I use flax seed gel for curl.
I tried Kinky curly last year and found it made my hair gummy, but maybe I could try it again this year.

Oils and butters do not moisturise (add or increase water) they act as anti humectants/ occlusives/ sealants.

[chen bao jun]

Um! No one else is thudding about this insane growth. 10 inches a year? 12? chen bao jun! CurlyCap! :thud:

Okay, now share the love. No, really. I get 6 inches a year (maybe). I wouldn't mind an extra few inches!

10 inches in 13 months, which is somewhat more than a year.
You have a lot more hair than I do, so clearly fast growth is not the only thing.

[Tangle or Curl?]

do you follow curly girl method? When I was rinsing/detangling/plopping upside down I had this same problem too. I find that if I do the upside down styling and then finger comb my bottom hair section from underneath I gain a good 6 inches of perceived length. Made my day when I figured that one out. Also helps if you don't scrunch the bottom when you do that.

[MagicalMystery]

I can definitely sympathize. I spent the past year growing out my hair, and when stretched, the longest layer is almost to my bra strap... but it just bounces back up at least 3 inches. :(

[Quixii]

Well, Quixii, seeing yours is an inspiration. How long did it take you?
Aw, thanks. :)
It's been kind of a slow continuous process throughout my life. When I joined LHC my hair was about hip or tailbone, and now it's about fingertip curly, and the longest hairs are an inch from knee.

[Beborani]

So today I measured curl shrinkage after drying with leave in conditioner on and no further manipulation. On one curl the hang length was 8-9 in and stretched length was 15 and on another hang length was 11-12 while stretched length was 18. I didnt measure more but this is normal pattern for me and I actually love it.

[McFearless]

I sympathize. We have the same hair type :) I try to think of the positives. Our hair will always have height, look big and it won't get caught in random things because it will always be close to us. :afro: