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goldenbrunette
September 1st, 2008, 01:07 PM
im feeling pretty depressed. i dont want to come across at all superficial; im really not. but i thought that my hair was the one part of me that was nice, my best feature if you like. to tell the truth im fat and ugly, but i thought that my hair was good. its not, its dry, at funny lengths a bland colour and very splayed ends. i feel rubbish. so unattractive. what is the point in me trying to have naturally beautiful hair? there is nothing natrually beautiful about me. i should go ahead and dye it and straighten, conform. what makes it feel worse is there is a big family event coming up this weekend, i have to go but feel so down and low in confidence. to make myself better i keep on eating excessive amounts of bad food.

goldenbrunette
September 1st, 2008, 01:07 PM
and now i feel pretty bad about all that self pity

ClareDee
September 1st, 2008, 01:18 PM
goldenbrunette, Sorry you're feeling so low. Don't worry about seeming superficial -- we all worry about appearances sometimes. I know in my case, those feelings can start out small (like "I wish I was a different shape") and end up spiralling downwards until I'm basically wishing I could be entirely different in every way.

I can't comment on your hair because I've never seen pictures of it, but if you have been caring for your hair, I feel sure that it must reflect that care somehow. On most days, at least :)

FWIW, you seem a very nice person. I know you left a lovely comment on my profile without having ever spoken to me before, and I can see by other people's comments on your profile that you have complimented them too. I do wish we could see your own hair -- and maybe see qualities in it that you are not seeing at the moment.

Beauty comes in many, many forms. You don't need to conform to anything. Keep that in mind :)

bunnii
September 1st, 2008, 01:21 PM
I'm sorry you feel so down :( To Be Honest I kind of know how you feel, with my hair being the only thing i like about myself and when that went wrong I was in a right state. The only thing that helped me is to keep going. Best thing IMO would be to get a cup of tea and watch something great then do a deep condition or something your hair does react to well, maybe do some facial stuff too like a mask or something. feel better soon :flower:

Dvips
September 1st, 2008, 01:38 PM
Well, if it makes you feel better, why don't you use a temp color wash (only colors lighter than your hair if you want to guarantee that it is temp) and/or a straightener before your family event?

Unless your hair is already quite damaged and/or very frail, if you pre-condition and deep condition afterwards, you should be able to do this once without really damaging your hair.

Just my opinion...

Fillette
September 1st, 2008, 01:43 PM
goldenbrunette, I am so sorry you feel down. But it is okay, most of us go through moments like that...

If you need some time to mop around, go for it. Sometimes a good cry is necessary because all of the sudden negativity comes from deeper reasons than just your physical appearance. So go ahead, mop around for a few hours, cry or take a nap... THEN, when you are done letting it all out, do something good for yourself.

An hour at the spa or a massage (if you can afford it) can make you feel renewed. If you don't want to spend money, just do it at home. Give yourself a pedicure/manucure, light some candles and take a nice bath, call some girl friends over a have a spa party... anything that makes you feel better. The idea is to keep you from focusing on anything negative.

Remember that your are definitely worth it. I can assure you that you ARE beautiful. As for your hair, you know that taking good care of it is the right thing so please, refrain from damaging. Give yourself a deep conditioning treatment and see how soft and wonderful it looks. Don't worry everything will be back to normal soon!!!

Hugs.

truepeacenik
September 1st, 2008, 01:45 PM
I get what you are saying, and I think I have nice hair, then I get serious hair envy here. But I like these people so I stay!

Sounds like you have a lot of stress surrounding the event, and that might be triggering emotional eating. (and why oh why do we crave fattening things then?)

I literally cannot keep food that is "bad" around the house.
I force myself to make sweets, rather than buy them. this helps. I still have 30 pounds I'd like to be rid of, but I'm doing what I can for now.

I joke that I should get a pedal power generator for the computer so I'd get exercise while online.
I did start using a hand wash device (a 5 gal bucket with lid and new/unused plunger), so I feel less lazy.

As for looks, I am "striking," a nice way to say not a beauty at all.
But so what? I'm here to decorate my OWN world.
What I am is intelligent, opinionated, talented, creative and loads of other, more important things.
I still have esteem issues, but I try to let go of the shell for the contents.

DragonLady
September 1st, 2008, 01:59 PM
Remember Johnny Lingo and his 8 cow wife (http://www.angelfire.com/tx/morninglory/lingo.html)? Beauty starts with self-worth.

I second the suggestion to go do something for you. Get out of the house, visit a bookstore, have a manicure, wander through an art gallery...whatever picks you up. You'll feel better, and then you'll look better. :)

carols_e
September 1st, 2008, 02:01 PM
Hi goldenbrunette its ok to be superficial we all are to some extent or we probably wouldn't be hanging out on this forum learning how to make our manes look better :). Remember the better you feel on the inside the brighter your beauty shines on the outside. Also others see the beauty in you that you can't see. Just keep going in the healthy direction and feel good about every little acomplishment you make and love yourself no matter what because your just beautiful because your you!

Kirin
September 1st, 2008, 03:13 PM
The way you are feeling about yourself is basically a self fulfilling prophecy.

Simple, to the point, but true.

The only way to change that is to change the way you think, and not care about others perceptions of you.

Shanarana
September 1st, 2008, 03:17 PM
I'm sure your not as bad as you make yourself out to be...remember we are our worst critics and can be very hard on ourselves.

xrosiex
September 1st, 2008, 03:24 PM
I'm sorry to read your feeling badly about yourself:(. But remember looks are only skin deep. Self image is so important it affects everything we do. Have you tryed reading any possitive thinking self help books? There's many of them to read. Try loving yourself. Really look in the mirror and tell your self your beatiful and you love you. Do it alot. You dont have to believe yourself. But it's possitive vibes that you need. Hugs and take care.:)

Islandgrrl
September 1st, 2008, 03:24 PM
Goldenbrunette, I'm sorry you're feeling so badly about yourself.

If you don't like the way you are, then change the way you are. But first change the way you think. You and only you, have the power to change not only the way you think about yourself, but the way you look. Kirin is really right. Thinking negatively is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Choose one thing - just one small thing that you can change right now - today, and commit to changing it.

So if it's - I'm going to eat a healthful breakfast every day - write it down and do it. It takes planning and a little effort, but you really truly are worth it. At the end of the week, when you've had a healthful breakfast every day, congratulate yourself for your success and add another small thing that you can change. Every week or so (certainly not written in stone), add one small change to your life that will take you toward the positive outcome you desire. You CAN do it.

Everyone has self-doubts and insecurities. You are not, by any stretch of the imagination, alone! We're here for you!

DecafJane
September 1st, 2008, 05:33 PM
I'm sorry that your mind is being so cruel to you right now, and I hope that you can come to love and respect yourself. I know that if you think about it, there would be any number of things that you can feel proud of yourself for doing, and many things that you do that are kind and loving that you don't have to do but you can feel happy about. You deserve to be happy with the person you are.

spidermom
September 1st, 2008, 05:47 PM
Goldenbrunette, I'm sorry you're feeling so badly about yourself.

If you don't like the way you are, then change the way you are. But first change the way you think. You and only you, have the power to change not only the way you think about yourself, but the way you look. Kirin is really right. Thinking negatively is a self-fulfilling prophecy. Choose one thing - just one small thing that you can change right now - today, and commit to changing it.

So if it's - I'm going to eat a healthful breakfast every day - write it down and do it. It takes planning and a little effort, but you really truly are worth it. At the end of the week, when you've had a healthful breakfast every day, congratulate yourself for your success and add another small thing that you can change. Every week or so (certainly not written in stone), add one small change to your life that will take you toward the positive outcome you desire. You CAN do it.

Everyone has self-doubts and insecurities. You are not, by any stretch of the imagination, alone! We're here for you!

Islandgirl, I think you just changed my life. GoldenBrunette, let's do this!

Gladtobemom
September 1st, 2008, 05:50 PM
How about a beauty treatment.

Whole body exfoliation, Deep moisture treatment on the hair, long soak in the tub, and maybe a manicure and pedicure.

Hmm, what does she need girls?

Brown sugar makes a great body scrub and it smells wonderful. It's a great scalp scrub too. I just get all wet in the shower, turn the water off and grab up little handfulls out of the bowl and go at it I do my scalp, my ears, my neck and EVERYWHERE.

Do you want more suggestions, or am I totally on the wrong track?

A spirit boost on top of some a baby step change . . . how does that sound?

Anje
September 1st, 2008, 06:09 PM
I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now. Don't beat yourself up for being superficial -- I find when I get down, I often concentrate on more superficial qualities myself, and if you follow a similar pattern, you'll start feeling better about who you are as you feel better. You'll look better to yourself and others when you can become more confident.

Remind yourself that you are a bright, strong woman with a good sense of humor and a lot of character. You are clever and capable, and you can do just about anything if you feel strongly enough about it.

My recommendation: Go mix up an SMT (http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=128) (does wonders for many folks with dry hair, you can use treacle if you don't have honey on hand). Wet hair, apply the goop, wrap in a bag/cap and towel, and put a second towel around your neck to catch the drips. Go sit somewhere comfy and enjoy a cup of tea and a good book until the stuff in your hair dripping gets too annoying, then rinse it out and go back to your reading. Paint/varnish your toenails a fun color. Plan to do something moderately physical and a bit rewarding, like going for a walk, mowing the lawn, mending screens, etc, which will give you a sense of accomplishment. If you can, do something that helps someone else, like weeding for a neighbor, volunteering for a soup kitchen, tutoring a younger student, and so on -- few things lift the spirits long-term like helping other people (especially if they appreciate it).

goldenbrunette
September 2nd, 2008, 02:09 AM
Thankyou all very much for your kind words and advice, I have to go to work right now but I will be coming online later to have a better read. These comments mean a lot to me.

Cinnamon.locks
September 2nd, 2008, 03:46 AM
I know exactly how you feel goldenbrunette, but YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! don't let bad hair days and weight put you down my friend, believe me i often feel this way too, but i look in a mirror and remind myself that things will be different tomorrow. as other people suggested, take a few hours for yourself. buy that book you always wanted, get a spa treatment, get those expensive shoes or even buy that special pair of under things at Victoria's Secret you always wanted to buy but always thought it was too much, a new perfume, or simply go off to a nice, calm and beautiful place that relaxes and invigorates you. if you don't have the cash necessary then make a special conditioning treatment or several and simply take a day for yourself, i always call it that, a ME day, where i don't see anyone and i spend it with deep condish treatments, facial masks and my fave movies and music, i even cry myself to sleep and when i wake up things feel better. just forget about the bad or stressful things in life today, "say as Orphan Annie said, tomorrow is only a day away and tomorrow things will be better." and if you truly want to change something, then go buy a nice herbal essences temp color and condition alot, if you have the money then go have a day spa and forget the troubles, get a deep tissue massage and all the neat things found at a spa and remember YOU are special and sweet, beautiful and wonderful and for many you are the best friend there is.

Look at yourself, you are beautiful, no matter the weight, and i know that is a big issue, specially when there is a big event coming up soon. but forget that. if you can go to a day spa, do it, if you can gift a friend with that day spa beside you, and buy yourself a beautiful dress or some clothing you love, splurge a little on yourself and i promise after all that YOU time, you will feel better. you may not change your weight or other physical things but never believe you are ugly, you are always beautiful, no matter the size or the color of your hair or skin problems, you are the soulmate for someone out there and that someone is just waiting for you to appear in their life to pamper and love you.

Don't forget beauty is in the eye of the beholder and let me tell you, many think Hannah Montana and Eva Longoria are beautiful, but i see them as simple, pretty women. I think Nikki Blonski and Queen Latifah are so beautiful, and they are not skinny, they are nice, caring, loving women who are not the perfect model size 0, they are just like us, just with a whole lot more cash to spend. so just look at yourself, see the beautiful color of your eyes, how they sparkle and your smile, it must be so beautiful, your inteligence and caring nature, i bet you are a great friend and a wonderful daughter and you care about others so you are beautiful, perfect in your own way, so don't feel bad, we all have a few days a month when we feel the most ugly person in the world, but we pamper ourselves and take a few hours to look around and see how others see us, and then we smile and shrug off those sad feelings and simply do the best we can at the time and smile, remember a smile can make your day better and will always make someone elses day much better.



Hugs, BTW you can always PM me and we can talk, i'll be here for you if you need a friend.

RedRose
September 2nd, 2008, 12:15 PM
:grouphug: You poor darling, it sounds like everything has got on top of you.

I understand a little of how your feeling, your hair is something you can easily have some degree of control over and you are used to it making you feel beautiful, something you feel proud of, and you feel that now that has let you down. But don't give up! This forum is proof that, with some good habits, we can all have healthy, beautiful, long hair in time. The suggestions above that the others have made have been great, pamper yourself and pamper your hair, remind yourself that you are beautiful, but that beauty manifests itself it so many ways. The women who turn heads are not those who have the most symmetrical faces, but those with good posture and happiness in their faces - when they walk into the room people notice and see their beauty. Those who slouch in scowling do not turn heads, so walk tall, and smile!

As for your weight, that must be hard for you, but this is something that you can turn around with support from your friends and family and effort on your part. When a friend of mine was trying to lose weight, she started to do this: whenever she thought she was hungry, she drank a glass of water first before she began to eat. She says that some of the time when she thought she was hungry she was actually just thirsty, and that when she was hungry it helped her to eat less at once and therefore overall. And as a bonus her skin cleared up and started glowing from drinking all that water - gorgeous! Maybe that's something you'd like to try to see if it helps you?

If you get the chance tonight, pamper yourself silly! Do a treatment on your hair, maybe a face mask or do your nails and watch a favourite film - whatever make you feel good about yourself and feel that you are beautiful. And if you still feel nervous about this big family event, why don't you treat yourself to something new? A new lipgloss or earrings to wear, silly things like that can go a long way to making you feel better about yourself. I just got a new foundation (damn those spots) and feel so much better about going out and meeting new people now! :magic:

I hope you feel much more positive about yourself soon.
Take Care :)

heidi w.
September 2nd, 2008, 01:24 PM
I recommend that this week is experimental week.

First, do you have any pictures of you several years ago or as a kid that's a fave?
if yes, put it on the mirror and remind yourself of this, each morning, and each night, before you go to bed (allow it to be nearly a first and last thought) -- I was so cute then! You know, I'm cute now, pretty, and I'll never look this great again!

(Get it? You see we all change; we all don't like a lot of stuff about ourselves ... but when you get a little perspective you realize that even in sloppy clothes and slippers you look the best you'll ever look again. This attitude is a major key in changing whatever it is we don't like. It's more motivating to feel positive about oneself than try to change whatever feeling negative about oneself.)

Before we go further, your period isn't about to happen, is it? For me, these moods of everything being terrible, including my body, tend to overtake me a few days before my period comes in for a crash landing. Something to consider -- if you get blindsided by these moods, start tracking your mensus AND ALSO TRACK YOUR PMS SYMPTOMS, so you can be all geared up and know when it's really real and when it's real but passing through -- playing through to borrow a golf analogy. I learned about my bloating, my headaches, my nausea, and bigger - my worry wort self showing up, my ugly self rearing up, pimple sightings!, hunger cravings of all sorts, dizziness, bruising more likely cause my equilibrium is off and I miscalculate the entrance to the room door edges, drop stuff more likely, clutzy, difficulty focusing, concentrating, sleeping issues. Lovely isn't it???

We muddle through. I tell ya, though!

Next, go to LONG HAIR LOOM and visit the sites STYLING STATION. Lots of photos of how to do various updos, or at least the end result and some instructions -- and PLAY THIS WEEK to find something lovely to wear your hair in!

Remember the 2 week rule! WAIT 2 WEEKS BEFORE YOU DECIDE TO CUT, including a trim!

Can you pamper such as deep conditioning??

Visit eBay or Sally's Beauty Supply or Marie Clare's and buy a hair goodie to wear out this coming weekend!

Remember how color is important. Color in your world, in your room, by your nightstand. Look for color that energizes and soothes (separate colors -- for me it's orange and blue, respectively). Wear color in your clothes, your purse, your shoes, your jewelry. Go a little nutso -- it's fun!! Lampshades, cloth colors over windows or beds .... gauzy fabric over a boring lampshade. Hang a prism, re-arrange your room.

Be kind to yourself when you feel this way. It's easy to beat yourself up and go on the I'M UGLY Bandwagon -- but fight it a little bit. Step 1 is discussing it. Step 2 is look for things you can do to fight off the evil voice in your head. Have discussions, debates with THE OTHER ONE. CHOOSE to feel better (not great, maybe, but better). Look for good things, a pretty bird, a flower moving in the breeze, the sound of water that's pretty, the air of music in the park, the light on the trees, any hint of fall colors? .... look for it. It's there!

To feel this crappy requires energy -- a lot, especially to maintain it. So do something with that energy -- only in the opposite direction (to arrive at the middle). Go with friends to a chocolate store and buy a truffle each and sit and eat it. Tiny bites, not pop the whole thing in your mouth. Let it melt. Go slow. Slow down in general. Rent a movie and make up some popcorn with parmesan cheese sprinkled on it!

Watch the input. No sour news, don't read the obituaries. Purposefully input more positive things: food, music, energy, color......

YOU CAN DO THIS!

Fat doesn't mean you can't look nice, can't be upbeat, can't wear color, ... but you get to decide how to combat YOUR MOOD!

Even if you cut and color or whatever, there's no need to conform. AND you'll still be accepted here!

Hope some suggestion helps you out somehow,
heidi w.

Aisha25
September 2nd, 2008, 01:37 PM
I get what you are saying, and I think I have nice hair, then I get serious hair envy here. But I like these people so I stay!

.
:rollin: sorry but I love this line :lol:
Anyway I know how that is I am chubby and short:o it is ok we are all here for you. I think this the one place where it is ok to look and be yourself,it is like a big family here. Don't care for your hairs just so people can say you have them beautiful. Do it cause it is your hairs beautiful or not and it is right thing to do. Because this hairs stays with you till you die so it is good to treat them even better than gold even though they might not look like it:D

embee
September 2nd, 2008, 07:59 PM
I've been where you are, but I learned something: Beauty is as beauty does.

For years I worked with a man who was not at all handsome, being old and ill and fat and arthritic, but he had a kind and generous heart. We laughed and sang and enjoyed working together. Inside he was a Beautiful Person. And when he died, I discovered that many many other people had seen him the same way.

I would give anything to spend another day in his company. It'll be a year this month.

You can be a Beautiful Person too. It's not hair or face or figure. It's inside.

a12345
September 2nd, 2008, 09:14 PM
First of all, I am sorry you are feeling so down about yourself. I think you have gotten some good advice here so I just wanted to remind you that modern society has set a standard of beauty for women that is incredibly hard (impossible?) to live up to. We are led to believe that the beauty we see in celebrities and models is just luck and "good genes" and happens naturally but alot more deception goes into it - photo retouching, extreme dieting, hair extensions, bleaching, waxing, plastic surgery, not to mention tons of $$. Very few of us look like the women we see in popular media (with some rare exceptions of women who actually look like, well, real women!). But, I am convinced that ALL of us "less than perfect" women are beautiful and its just society that is out of whack. True, maybe some of us embody the ideal of beauty that exists today. Maybe others of us would have been a siren in the 1950s. Maybe some of us would have rocked the Victorian era like nobody's business. Maybe others would have shimmered through the Edwardian period. Maybe others would have been an inspiration to Rubens. Yes we live now, but society sets norms that are, in many ways, arbitrary. These standars have changed so much through time and from culture to culture that it seems silly to hold onto one like its written in stone, and then hate ourselves when we can't acheive the impossible ideal.
Think about it- have you ever loved your sister, mother, grandmother, best friend, or daughter less because her hair was greasy, she gained some weight, or had a breakout? No, right? Then please give yourself the same freedom to accept and love yourself as you are. :blossom:

fireflycatching
September 2nd, 2008, 10:26 PM
:grouphug: Sorry you're feeling so down. It's hard to be happy when you're constantly surrounded by pictures of "beautiful" people and what not.. I used to have problems with both under eating and binging and I understand the feeling of food seeming like the only way out. What everyone wrote on this thread is so wise and so true, especially the one about you being your harshest critic! And isn't beauty in the eyes of the beholder? Personally I see beauty in everyone, inside and out. I'm not half as wise and knowledgable than any of these forum members, but do remember that if you know how to love and are a good person, others will always love you, too. You've just gotta love yourself more now! You sound like a wonderful person. Smile :) And I also suggest indulging in a nice hair treatment..always makes ya feel better! ;]

goldenbrunette
September 3rd, 2008, 05:04 PM
Having read all of your comments, I am definitely feeling quite positive now. What wise words..with each and every response I got to this post I started feeling a little bit better till now having read all I am feeling pretty good. Thankyou all. You are so right
Think about it- have you ever loved your sister, mother, grandmother, best friend, or daughter less because her hair was greasy, she gained some weight, or had a breakout? No, right? Then please give yourself the same freedom to accept and love yourself as you are
I am thinking of things in a different perspective and trying to think of all my good points because there are some.

How I wish that everyone was as kind and considerate as the members of this website, what a happy world we would live in, not to mention a world with good hair. Thankyou all

heidi w.
September 3rd, 2008, 05:06 PM
Bookmark this link for the next time you feel down a bit!

heidi w.

salamander
September 3rd, 2008, 10:32 PM
I feel like that sometimes, too. I noticed something, though. The people I love are beautiful. I never see their physical flaws, and I'm sad when they point them out, and feel as if it's somehow unjust. So what I think is, what I promise you is, to anyone who loves you, you are beautiful. Find a way to love yourself, and you'll be beautiful to you, too. It's a fairly tall order, I can't do it all the time, but when I manage it, I feel really happy.

Jemoiselle
September 3rd, 2008, 11:23 PM
To our forelorn Goldenbrunette,

In this life, we have but a few things we can always hold on to.
Everything fades---posessions, money, youth, time. In the beginning, we all start out the same, an emotional blank canvass. Throughout our lives, if we are wise, we will spend the extra time we have loving and being loved in return, a beautiful generous cycle than seemingly can conquer all that ails us.

There are some amongst us that appear to have it all, looks, money, fame, diamonds, lavish accomodations, tiny feminine bodies, pecking at salads guarding their Louis on the ground by their Menolos. In the end, though, the only thing that matters is love.

That very real but for this purpose fictitious person described above is so surrounded in things and people that value things more than love, they don't know how to appreciate anything else. They don't know it yet, but they are empty. You. You are sitting here, feeling empty. YOU ARE SO RICH with love pouring in at you from all over the world, from all of us--that if you could only see it, say, carry it like a Louis like "that girl", SHE would be asking you where she could BUY one just like it. The thing is, you can't buy love. You, my friend are richer than rich.

Close your eyes, can you feel it? Do you have any idea how many people you've touched? Nights you've brightened? Grumpy moods you've lifted? How about this...lonely military wives missing their deployed Hubbys you've unknowingly kept company, even though you don't even know them? Hint. My friend, In the end, nobody can ever take away the fact that you are so beautiful you touched the lives of hundreds of souls even when you were feeling blue.

Sometimes, when I lose my footing on the real realtiy, I go outside, grab a loaf of bread, and feed the wild birds. The birds live on another day because of your care, and if you can open yourself up to it, you can almost see their appreciation. You can feel the real meaning of life, that special thing that unites us all that cannot be described. It is there that you will find true beauty. In the still, quiet day. When you clear your mind of all thought, and just be. You see who you really are---a wonderful person the world is so much better for knowing.

It is only when one learns to gaze upon the world with the blind eyes of the heart that we will be able to see true beauty and ugliness. Anything else is merely a stage.

Wishing you peace and tranquility,
Jemoiselle