my addiction to hair dye is ruining my life

[firevegan]

So I haven't seen my natural hair color since I was 12 years old.
And quite frankly, I'd like to know what it looks like, completely unaltered.
If you think about it, wanting a different color hair is some sort of cover up or need to alter your authentic self. This very fact must mean artificial hair color helped me lie to myself for 11 years. How depersonalizing.

Any way, my point in typing this up and posting it in the forum is, I sort of need some inspiration and support. I'm an addict. =/

I'm also addicted to pleasing others. and the people aren't happy. Everyone loves me as a red head, and recently I tried my best to match my length with my roots and attempt to grow it out natural, and everyone, I mean EVERYONE is saying "Go back to red", and when some people say "I don't like you with brown hair", it kinda makes me want to just say screw it and dye it red. I will make excuses and say things to myself to convince myself to want red hair. Like "you weren't meant to have brown hair, it was an accident, and it doesn't match your skin tone, nobody likes it any way. You are only good enough as a red head."

I have been trying to build my self esteem lately and this is hurting me. Dying my hair is hurting me very bad.

I know this girl who is similar. She will convince herself she is supposed to be a blonde but then want her natural back, and every other month she will be back to brown. Until of course, her hair becomes straw and she chops it off, grows it back out, and does it all again, like me.

In fact my hair is JUST now shoulder length again finally after 2 years of slow growing out a buzz cut that resulted from this addiction.

Some people have their drugs but this is actually becoming a pretty bad problem of mine. I don't even feel comfortable with short hair so I am always wearing clip ins from sally's. It's never going to grow if I keep up the pace.

I recently read that cigarette smoke in the air can react with the hair dye in your hair and form cancerous compounds. Well crap, I've been at it for 11 years. If these lymph nodes don't go down in a few weeks, I'm screwed.

See how it's hurting me? It could even kill me. Please save me long hair community. Please stop me from destroying my hair time after time =[

[furnival]

Your hair is your business and yours alone. Do whatever you want with it. I would hesitate to agree that hair dye is ruining your life- rather that it's this business of attempting to please others to the detriment of yourself.

If your friends are prepared to tell you that they don't like you with brown hair regardless of how it might make you feel, I'd caution against dyeing your hair just to please them. Real friends wold say they liked you whatever your hair was like, and would support you in whatever you chose to do with it. :flower:

[bubastis]

If you feel like you really can't quit the hair dye cold turkey, you could look into some options that are not as detrimental to your hair or your health.Maybe you could check out deposit dyes like elumen or manic panic,as they do not contain harsh chemicals and will not damage your hair,and there is a lot of choice in terms of colour. Or,if you are really REALLY sure you want to be a redhead,you can use henna.Henna is actually good for the condition of your hair and the red does not fade. Be sure to read the henna thread though and definately do a test strand to see if you like the colour,because it is almost impossible to remove.

[kitekats]

I had similar problem even though I did that because of that nice feeling of freshly dyed shiny hair and not for everyone's thoughts, but they key is to go natural, grow it out, I mean of course it's hard when roots start showing, but I tend to convince others (and myself) that its the ombre look:p, besides later you'll start noticing the change of texture and thickness, and others will appreciate your choice.

[Neneka]

Seek some help for your self-esteem problems. I have them too and it's pretty destroying. It doesn't have to be professional help but try to think ways to make yourself feel better the way you are. Do something you can do well and feel good doing. :)

And the hair. If you have had red hair for long time people are just used to think you as a redhead. Changing hair colour can alter your look and it takes a while to get used to. Then people might make remarks. It's your hair anyway. Don't dye it immediately when you feel like it. Use two week rule when you feel like dyeing or make yourself to wait and think even longer. There is also many different shades of brown. Your own colour can be actually very different than the dye and suit you better even if it looks like your roots blend in.

I have also had same thoughts, not so extreme but I have an idea how you feel. I have dyed my hair for long time and I thought I look too plain with my own "boring" colour. I am now growing it out anyway. I have urges to dye but I make myself wait.

[Wavelength]

If your friends are prepared to tell you that they don't like you with brown hair regardless of how it might make you feel, I'd caution against dyeing your hair just to please them. Real friends wold say they liked you whatever your hair was like, and would support you in whatever you chose to do with it. :flower:

I agree with this. It's not the hair dye that's the problem -- it's your need to please everyone. When it comes to your hair, the only person you need to please is you.

[ladyfey]

I bleached blonde for a long time, bleached hair seems to make a lot of people think of a woman as sexy. I felt that on my own, I'd never be attractive enough. I started later than you, age 16, but by 20 I wanted to stop bleaching and go natural. It took until age 30 to finally do it, and in the mean time I had switched from bleach to red dye. I wish that I had gone natural so much sooner, it suits my personality much better. When I did go natural, I got a lot of crap from people. I just figured that they were being incredibly rude and that they were the ones with the problem. If you would prefer natural, that is all that matters and anyone who says insulting things is being rude and unreasonable. Ignore it if you can, you can never please everyone, so don't try. In the immortal words of Ricky Nelson: "you can't please everyone, so you got to please yourself."

[ravenreed]

I have been dyeing my hair for longer than I haven't, since I was 16. I let my natural color grow out completely and it took about three years. As soon as it was all done, I realized that I really, really hate my natural color, which is exactly why I had been dyeing it all those years. I have hair dysmorphia or something. I don't look like me in the mirror with plain, brown hair. I went back to dyeing, but found a more hair friendly way to do it. I couldn't be happier! There are other long hairs here who bleach and dye... All that said, if you are really that unhappy dyeing your hair, get to a therapist and figure out why you can't just stop.

On a side note, if you are hanging out with smokers, or are one yourself, that would be more of a concern cancer-wise than hair dye. Get those lymph nodes checked NOW. They shouldn't be swollen.

[Firefox7275]

Seek medical help if you think you have mental health/ psychological problems relating to self esteem and your looks. Agree with smoking, direct or passive, is far more of a concern than normal use of hair dye. Using extensions can damage your hair too, not being able to accept the length is no different to not being able to accept the colour.

[MonaMayfair]

How is changing your hair color lying to yourself tho? That's like saying anything a person does to improve/enhance their looks is a bad thing.
Not everyone looks best in their natural hair colour, far from it. If you think you do, you should stick to it, it's no-one else's business, but if everyone thinks you look much better as a redhead, they could be right.

[browneyedsusan]

I've been coloring my hair longer than you've been drawing breath. (Granted, most of it was on a pixie, so damage was cut off every 6 or 8 weeks.) Choose what you want. If you like coloring it, you can always cut it super short and color it blue, green, bleach to white.....!

[Vampyria]

I'm getting tempted to dye my hair back to red again too. I always loved red hair (since I was 12), but my hair was in horrible state when I was dyeing it. I still got compliments on my hair colour and waves all though it was pretty much fried. I stopped liking the colour when it got to unnatural looking bright burgundy red though, I wanted to see what my natural colour would looks like and I didn't want to use cheap dyes that test on animals any more. So I grew it out. I tried henna already, but the difference is really subtle. I think that orangey-red really suits my skin tone, while the coppery brown I get with henna and cassia doesn't. I'm also wondering if the routine that I have now could prevent the damage from dyeing (no sulphates, coconut oil).

My family was actually glad that I stopped and one of my friends did the same, after I told her that I'm growing it out. We both still really like red hair.
But now I think that dyeing again would cost me to much, I don't want to damage my hair, I'm not crazy about chemicals, I'm not in the mood for dyeing it every or every other month so the roots wouldn't be showing, and changing my routine to please dyed hair is out of the question. My hair is a lot softer and thicker and a lot more manageable now too. I don't have to style it at all. So I'm just trying to accept my natural hair colour (I quite like it actually), and I might try to henna when I go grey.

I think that I secretly want for people to admire my hair colour and get some compliments again, plus sometimes I feel like everyone really likes red hair (no matter if it's natural or not) and finds brown boring.

I suggest you grow it out, ignore what people say, and see if you are happy with it.

[ravenreed]

Absolutely. I am glad I let mine grow out. It reinforced my desire to dye, but it could just have easily gone the other way. How will you know if you never try it?


I'm getting tempted to dye my hair back to red again too. I always loved red hair (since I was 12), but my hair was in horrible state when I was dyeing it. I still got compliments on my hair colour and waves all though it was pretty much fried. I stopped liking the colour when it got to unnatural looking bright burgundy red though, I wanted to see what my natural colour would looks like and I didn't want to use cheap dyes that test on animals any more. So I grew it out. I tried henna already, but the difference is really subtle. I think that orangey-red really suits my skin tone, while the coppery brown I get with henna and cassia doesn't. I'm also wondering if the routine that I have now could prevent the damage from dyeing (no sulphates, coconut oil).

My family was actually glad that I stopped and one of my friends did the same, after I told her that I'm growing it out. We both still really like red hair.
But now I think that dyeing again would cost me to much, I don't want to damage my hair, I'm not crazy about chemicals, I'm not in the mood for dyeing it every or every other month so the roots wouldn't be showing, and changing my routine to please dyed hair is out of the question. My hair is a lot softer and thicker and a lot more manageable now too. I don't have to style it at all. So I'm just trying to accept my natural hair colour (I quite like it actually), and I might try to henna when I go grey.

I think that I secretly want for people to admire my hair colour and get some compliments again, plus sometimes I feel like everyone really likes red hair (no matter if it's natural or not) and finds brown boring.

I suggest you grow it out, ignore what people say, and see if you are happy with it.

[MaryMarx]

I had been colouring my hair too since about 12, maybe a little older. This autumn is two years since I stopped. All I can say, what a relief. I discovered I like my natural colour, and it suits me. Sometimes I feel like I'm not "special" anymore, I had black hair and a straigh across thick fringe above my eyebrows, even if I didn't have makeup on I felt I still had my "style".
And I still miss the hair dying, but I will never go back, atleast not to that amount of dying.

I still have my nose piercing and tattoos that I feel define ME, without destroying my hair. I don't need to look special so people will get some idea of my persona, what music I like and so on. They can ask me. Now I'm just me.

[Leeloo]

I wish you strength. Maybe finding something that you are passionate about like a hobby will keep your mind preoccupied enough to help you stay away from color (it sounds like you really want to stop coloring to me). As about other people telling you to color it back, well they sound ignorant. Tell them you'll ask for their opinions when you'll need them.

[jel]

I agree with the others in that the most important thing is how you feel about yourself. Your friends are probably just speaking out of their a*ses because they are used to your red, or bleached, purple, whatever colour. One of my best friends kept telling me "you know you've got terrible roots" for months, and I kept telling her "no, I'm growing my virgin hair out". She's used to it now, and we're still great friends. She keeps her hair very short, and changes colours often, and I always compliment her when I see she's done something new. Doesn't mean I want to do the same with my hair!

I have another point. It's OK to change your hair identity. I was bleach blonde/highlighted in my 20s, redhead/hennahead in my 30s, now I'm growing my virgin colour. Every time I was happy with what I was doing with my hair, until I wasn't... It might have taken me a few months or a few years to realise I wasn't happy anymore as a "whatever colour" and now I want to be something else, and it's fine. I changed, and became happy with my hair again. Hair grows, and bleach damage or hardened henna will grow out...

So, you dyed your hair for 11 years. That's OK. Now you don't want to dye any more? That's great, don't dye. You might want to do something else with your hair in the future? You'll find out in time.

Good luck!

[AnnaB]

Hello

I use to be a hair colouring addict. It was ruining my life and my hair too.

Every 3 weeks I would dye my hair, but always different colours. Red, purple, different shades of brown, black and blonde!! I'd be happy for a few days and then I'd need a change. And just like you people were telling me which colour to dye it.

Sometimes I would even dye it couple times A DAY if i wasnt happy with the colour. The amount of times I said that I will never dye it again and within few weeks fail. I just didnt have the will power.

I was like it for 8 years, until I went to hair dresser and asked to go blonde. Didnt tell her how much I dye my hair and of course the bleach destroyed it and I was left with gummy ruined hair that was breaking off and falling off.

That was when I found this forum and it saved me. Its been almost a year since a chemical dye touched my hair. I still have cravings to dye it so I use henna and indigo. This lets me have different hair shades without killing it.

I WILL NEVER TOUCH CHEMICAL DYE for the rest of my life. FACT.

Sometimes you just need to go cold turkey.

good luck

[Arien]

If you want to stop dying your hair then stop dying it. If you don't, then don't. It's nobody's choice but yours and you shouldn't allow others to influence your decision, especially if it's making you feel that bad. Your hair doesn't make you who you are. It is what is inside that counts, so don't let it stress you out.

[massivecnqstdr]

It seems like you feel like the urge to dye your hair is coming from a negative place, so I say stop! I have a similar experience with makeup. I used to do all sorts of crazy things with my makeup and my friends all loved and encouraged it. It was one of my main hobbies. Eventually, I started feeling like I was doing it for the wrong reasons. It didn't feel right, and I felt like I spent too much mental energy and obsession on it. I have since backed off and wear very minimal makeup. My friends still express that they want to see me go back to the art, but ehh. I will do what is right for me. Sometimes easier said than done..

[palaeoqueen]

On a side note, if you are hanging out with smokers, or are one yourself, that would be more of a concern cancer-wise than hair dye. Get those lymph nodes checked NOW. They shouldn't be swollen.

I completely agree.

[palaeoqueen]

So, you dyed your hair for 11 years. That's OK. Now you don't want to dye any more? That's great, don't dye. You might want to do something else with your hair in the future? You'll find out in time.

Good luck!

This is great advice, so true.

[spidermom]

Get those lymph nodes checked!

Meanwhile you can tell your "friends" that when you want their opinion, you'll give it to them.
Do what you like with your hair. You can always quit the chemical dyes and switch to vegetable dyes. I like to do a fantasy color with a vegetable dye from time to time, even though I really like my natural golden blonde going to silver hair color.

[sumidha]

Reasons to tell pushy people you're growing out hair dye:

Tell them you're going to take all the money you save not dying your hair once a month to go on a fancy trip.

Tell them you're tired of staining all your pillowcases rainbow colors.

Tell them you're tired of scrubbing rainbow colors out of your bathtub.

Tell them you've developed an allergy to chemical hair dyes.

Tell them the dye was starting to make your hair fall out/break off at the ends.

Tell them someone dared you to go a year with your natural color.

Tell them you're worried about predators and want to be better camouflaged in forest environments.

Tell them having normal colored hair is one of the terms of your (made up) inheritance.

Tell them you were ready for a change.

Tell them that if they were your friends they would support you in growing out your hair because it's what you really want.

Tell them it came to you on a vision quest.

Tell them to go to hell if they can't be ok with what you do with your own body.

P.S. The growing out hair dye thread could probably also give you some support: http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=51155

[Vivalagina]

Tell them you're worried about predators and want to be better camouflaged in forest environments.

:rollin: Oh my heck, I am dying over here.

[10000days]

Hi firevegan, I'm so sorry to hear all that. I feel like I can identify (or at least me from a few years ago can).
I agree with Neneka, this is not about what other people are pressuring you to do, it's about how you feel about yourself.

Even without looking at your username I guessed that you had some sort of fixation on food as well; you are a vegan, right?
(I will no doubt get slammed by LHCers after I post this so can I ask readers to avoid doing that in advance, this is not the place, thanks.) I think your veganism, your changing hair colours, your wearing of hair extensions, your desire to please people comes from you being dissatisfied with your life which makes you unhappy with yourself, and that's why you try to change yourself.

I suggest that you:

1. Find some direction in life that excites and fulfills you. Is there a career you've considered going after but didn't believe it was possible? If yes, don't doubt yourself- go for it. Everyone can achieve anything, all it takes is effort. I fully believe this.

2. If you have a diet obsession, let it go. Controlling food is just a proxy for being happy with yourself. It is easier to set goals and to meet them with something like controlling food.

Regarding getting professional help: sure, do it if you're loaded (financially). But I'm not sure it is more effective than the two points above: start working toward a real goal that excites you and that you believe will fulfill you, and stop obsessing over food.

If you start working toward those two goals I can almost guarantee that you will stop judging yourself so harshly. You will develop a deep inner confidence that won't waver anywhere near as much as it does now when people tell you to dye your hair red blah blah blaaaah.

Obviously my advice comes from my personal experience, so for you it may not be a career direction, but maybe it is mending a personal relationship (within family) that isn't going so well, or something else entirely. But there is something, find out what it is and fix it. It's not as hard as it may sound :)
But please do stop with controlling what you eat.

Lastly, don't worry too much about what your friends/family/strangers say about your hair and appearance. Oftentimes people don't realise how much empathy they lack; but they're not trying to hurt you, they are just viewing the situation from their eyes and not yours. Next time one of them says to you that you look better with red hair say something to make them think about what they just said.
(1) you can be indirect about it and say something like: I've been a red head for a long time, I'm bored of it now and want a change, or
(2) you can be semi-direct: laugh uneasily and rhetorically ask "is that meant to be a compliment", or
(3) you can be more direct and say: I just want to be the natural me for a while, this red just feels like a mask.

If this is not the advice for you, I hope you find it soon :) x

[Tini'sNewHair]

I always wanted to go blond because i think its sexier or red because my husband likes it.... i have been red many times but ive been to scared to go blond since the chimical process is very harsh according to my hairdresser sooooo i'm going to keep it natural - i'm a people pleaser to, nobody notices all the work and emotions i put in for them when they tell me their problems and now that is hurting me so ive decided to STOP thinking of anybody else but ME! I had to digg deep to feel somewhat good in my skin and accept the way i am and what I want... once you focuse on yourself (and that might means cutting some contact with those people, see them a lot less, maybe for a coffe...) you will feel pretty good... also raise your voice and tell them that you LOVE your natural colour now and that is how its going to be - that confidence in front of them (no matter if its fake) will put them back in their place and youd be suprised when a friend of yours will even say "ok, you look good like that to". YOU have to tell them how you feel and give some attitude to ;) best of wishes

[Tini'sNewHair]

sorry about all the spelling mistakes - i have a toddler whos pulling on my arm so i better get off and spend the time with her now :)

[WilfredAllen]

Reasons to tell pushy people you're growing out hair dye:

Tell them you're going to take all the money you save not dying your hair once a month to go on a fancy trip.

Tell them you're tired of staining all your pillowcases rainbow colors.

Tell them you're tired of scrubbing rainbow colors out of your bathtub.

Tell them you've developed an allergy to chemical hair dyes.

Tell them the dye was starting to make your hair fall out/break off at the ends.

Tell them someone dared you to go a year with your natural color.

Tell them you're worried about predators and want to be better camouflaged in forest environments.

Tell them having normal colored hair is one of the terms of your (made up) inheritance.

Tell them you were ready for a change.

Tell them that if they were your friends they would support you in growing out your hair because it's what you really want.

Tell them it came to you on a vision quest.

Tell them to go to hell if they can't be ok with what you do with your own body.

P.S. The growing out hair dye thread could probably also give you some support: http://forums.longhaircommunity.com/showthread.php?t=51155

I love these lol

tell them you don't like their hairstyle either :P

[winship2]

Hi firevegan, I'm so sorry to hear all that. I feel like I can identify (or at least me from a few years ago can).
I agree with Neneka, this is not about what other people are pressuring you to do, it's about how you feel about yourself.

Even without looking at your username I guessed that you had some sort of fixation on food as well; you are a vegan, right?
(I will no doubt get slammed by LHCers after I post this so can I ask readers to avoid doing that in advance, this is not the place, thanks.) I think your veganism, your changing hair colours, your wearing of hair extensions, your desire to please people comes from you being dissatisfied with your life which makes you unhappy with yourself, and that's why you try to change yourself.

I suggest that you:

1. Find some direction in life that excites and fulfills you. Is there a career you've considered going after but didn't believe it was possible? If yes, don't doubt yourself- go for it. Everyone can achieve anything, all it takes is effort. I fully believe this.

2. If you have a diet obsession, let it go. Controlling food is just a proxy for being happy with yourself. It is easier to set goals and to meet them with something like controlling food.

Regarding getting professional help: sure, do it if you're loaded (financially). But I'm not sure it is more effective than the two points above: start working toward a real goal that excites you and that you believe will fulfill you, and stop obsessing over food.

If you start working toward those two goals I can almost guarantee that you will stop judging yourself so harshly. You will develop a deep inner confidence that won't waver anywhere near as much as it does now when people tell you to dye your hair red blah blah blaaaah.

Obviously my advice comes from my personal experience, so for you it may not be a career direction, but maybe it is mending a personal relationship (within family) that isn't going so well, or something else entirely. But there is something, find out what it is and fix it. It's not as hard as it may sound :)
But please do stop with controlling what you eat.

Lastly, don't worry too much about what your friends/family/strangers say about your hair and appearance. Oftentimes people don't realise how much empathy they lack; but they're not trying to hurt you, they are just viewing the situation from their eyes and not yours. Next time one of them says to you that you look better with red hair say something to make them think about what they just said.
(1) you can be indirect about it and say something like: I've been a red head for a long time, I'm bored of it now and want a change, or
(2) you can be semi-direct: laugh uneasily and rhetorically ask "is that meant to be a compliment", or
(3) you can be more direct and say: I just want to be the natural me for a while, this red just feels like a mask.

If this is not the advice for you, I hope you find it soon :) x

This is wise advice.

[pippi_plum]

You have already made a step in the right direction.. you admitted to being "addicted to pleasing others". I had that same problem dear girl and honestly, it almost destroyed my life. I finally woke up and realized, this is my life, mine and I'm going to live it the way I want to live it. And you know what? When I started saying, "No!", people started treating me with a lot more respect. I'm not a doormat anymore.. and it feels amazing.
Do what YOU want to do. I promise you, life is much better that way.
Get those lymph nodes checked out and keep us up to date on how you're doing.