I just had *that* conversation

[spirals]

The one where someone tells you they are sick of hearing about long hair and that it's gross. And the remark about cutting mine off came up. That's not funny. Really, I know it's a mask for something else she's frustrated with, but I don't appreciate being attacked.
My body betrays me every day. I live in pain. I'll never be really fit because exercise just hurts. I'm not young anymore. But one thing I can do to feel younger and more feminine is to grow my hair. Plus, I don't want to look like everyone else with their fried hair, and I like to take on long-term projects. Long hair fits me. And when I see past-knee, healthy hair in a pic, I can't help but stare. I guess there are just some things you can't share with certain people. I'm just hurt right now, and it's already been a trying day.
I'm glad you all understand.

[AnqeIicDemise]

I haven't had that conversation yet. I don't know what I'll do when I come to that bridge but not even DH says anything negative about Hair. He knows I'm serious. I think the closest he's come to 'eww, long hair' is when I jokingly said I wanted my hair to my knees. He said it'd be a little too long...but that's what he said about Waist. And Hip. And TB. Its like he has to see the length before he can totally cross it off as 'gross'.

[daredevil14]

spirals,

I highly appreciate your "battle" with all the issues that can encounter us on our long journey of long hair. I totally understand you when you're saying that long hair fits you, it does and hopefully it always will. You have all my support!

Being a guy, I hear the "you're going to cut it anyway" sentence almost everyday but you know what? I don't care! Long hair is part of my personality. It's not a "fashion trend". Today marks my 3rd anniversary, I started from almost nothing and I currently have APL/BSL wavy/curly hair... and the journey continues!

[Haybop]

Unfortunately people use other outlets to vent their frustrations - even if it does end up hurting others :( It's good that you saw it as what it is, even if it did still hurt.

I hope this is just a one-off for that person and that they deal with whatever it is they need to deal with so they can stop having a go at you! Your hair is lovely and obviously is something you should take pride in (seriously, I'd be dead chuffed if my hair was like yours).

[spirals]

Thank you. :flowers: I do know that it's really about something else, but this is easy for her to grab onto and criticize, you know? So, the subject is off-limits with her, I guess. Just hate censoring myself.

[Skade]

Sorry to hear that someone said that to you. That can´t be funny coming from a friend. But I´m glad to hear that you sound so certain in what you want. So keep growing and focus on all those people who think your hair is beautiful instead. I hope the rest of your day fares better. :flowers:

[Haybop]

Maybe, hopefully, once she's sorted whatever it is out then she'll get back to her non-critical self? I usually wait for the person to bring up the subject (or somewhere close to the subject) again before feeling like it's fine to talk about again. It sucks right now but avoiding it will be less hurtful (is that even the word? it's a bit early for words rn :S) for you than having her latch on again, which is what everyone should avoid imo ;D

[AnqeIicDemise]

Thank you. :flowers: I do know that it's really about something else, but this is easy for her to grab onto and criticize, you know? So, the subject is off-limits with her, I guess. Just hate censoring myself.

Its alright... you can come talk 'shop' with us anytime. ^-^

[browneyedsusan]

What a Meanie-Pants! It's good you know it really isn't about you or your hair, but she didn't have to go and say all that meanness out loud! For heaven's sake!
I almost feel sorry for Meanie-Pants. She must be having a worse day than you, to get all bent out of shape about someone's hair?! It isn't like you're sleeping with her man, funneling her bank account into yours, or supplying her teenager with meth!

Put that nastiness behind you. Don't dwell on it. Count your blessings instead, Spirals. I'll help:
1) Spirals has GREAT hair
2) Spirals is encouraging and supportive in the TLHC
3) Spirals doesn't take her bad day out on innocent (even if they're obnoxious) bystanders
4) You fill it in....

You can share your bad day here anytime. We all have them, and we are here for you. :blossom:

[earthybee]

Sounds like total jealousy to me on her part. People that knock down others do it to make themselves feel better. Big hugs to you!!! That just wasn't right at all. :(

[Leeloo]

I'm with eathybee, it does sound like jealousy. You shouldn't have to censor yourself so if she doesn't like it she should express herself in a manner that is not hurtful to you. Hugs to you :grouphug: and your hair is gorgeous :hifive:

[Demi-Plum]

My BF doesn't seem to care what I do, he doesn't seem to think one way or the other, but he does like to play with it - especially during cuddle time - so I'm pretty much in the "I'm doing what I want" category. I do have a classmate who used to raise a stink about it, but I know she was very threatened by me when we first started classes together, now she accept the fact that I just don't care to take her "spot" in life. So I basically just let her talk and ignore her or sometimes I even tell her off about it in a nicer fashion.

[Firefox7275]

Whilst there is no need for her to be that unkind, don't talk to people who are not interested in long hair about long hair, just like don't talk to people who are child free by choice about your little darling's every move, or about online gaming about computer phobes or 'mens men' about nail art.

[racrane]

It always upsets me when people hurt others to make themselves' feel better... that said, people here understand where you're coming from. Long hair suits my personality, too. I enjoy it and have fun. So ignore that person! hugs to you

[spirals]

I've known for a long time it's a touchy subject. I was kind of obsessed with naturallycurly.com when I moved here because I moved from the desert to humidity and suddenly seemed to inherit a different hair type. And I wasn't even aware of hair types. She would say I was vain. Years later she admitted jealousy, as she is insecure and doesn't see all her great qualities, one of which is her beautiful golden-auburn hair. (I sent her a tumlr pic of a girl with hair the exact same color last night to encourage her. Didn't even get a chance to complement her.)
Ugh. My hair isn't the only thing I care about. I tried sending her a text to get a convo started and clear the air, but she hasn't responded yet.
Anyway, susan, you made me cry. Sometimes I feel like all my advice might be annoying because I'm still somewhat of a newbie. I just want to help people, and it's nice to see my true heart recognized. :flowers:

[spirals]

And thanks to all of you. I have learned so much from you and take joy in your progress.

[Neecola]

Bummer spirals :( Sounds like you have a good grip on the situation, even if it was hurtful. I don't really discuss hair with anyone except DH because I'm sure that non-hair people find it weird. DH already knows I'm weird, so it's no surprise to him.

Sending you a hug and keep fighting the good fight! And you know I love to talk hair so drop me a line anytime ;)

[woodswanderer]

I agree people who don't have a goal to grow their hair long just don't get it and don't want to hear about it. It surely was rude and tactless to say long hair is gross. I've heard that before. I was also once shocked when someone said that feet....all feet...are gross. I don't get it. I don't think any body part is inherently gross unless it is terribly unclean or smelly.

[jacqueline101]

There are all types of people in the planet. They hate everything someone does. It's ashamed your friend turned on you.

[Bene]

I can't say I've been on the receiving end of this because I don't have long winded hair monologues with non-hair people. The rest of the stuff said is fairly obnoxious. Except for this:



The one where someone tells you they are sick of hearing about long hair and that it's gross. And the remark about cutting mine off came up. .



If it's an unsolicited comment, that person is out of line. But, if they say they are tired of hearing about long hair, you have to consider if long hair is all you're talking about.


Not everyone is a hair person. Maybe they just got fed up with the hair talk and went on the offensive?


I say this because I've been there with "ENOUGH with the freaking environment already! You know what? F**k the environment. I hope every tree dies and every whale goes extinct and that every human dies of skin cancer because the ozone layer has been depleted! I am no longer going give you elaborate details about my recycling habits or assuage your fragile little environmentalist heart by telling you which products I buy with MY OWN money are earth friendly! You don't flush after every piss you take? Good for you! I will flush when I godd@mn want to flush!"


A friend can indulge your interests and hobbies only so much. There's a breaking point.

[spirals]

I agree, bene. I don't have long conversations unless people want info. I sent a long email to another friend and she was very grateful and told me she felt very loved by me for that. All I did in this instance was send a pic that looks like my friend's hair, the color of which I love, and she jumped down my throat. She had a point that I can get obsessed with certain things, but threatening to cut off my hair was a bit much. I can feel like ranting like the above, but others' feelings are taken into consideration before I open my mouth. But I agree she can only take so much. (Other friends don't seem to mind :confused: )

[spidermom]

Geez-Louise! I hope you told her to put a sock in it!

[Wildcat Diva]

Wait, she threatened to cut off your hair? I somehow missed the gist of that earlier today. That IS on the offensive.

[heidi w.]

This sounds like a non-friend. Nastiness abounds. That's how the world is. Hope things become better soon. IF you want lots of compliment, post a picture and everyone will chime in with Beautiful hair comments.
Heidi w.

[spirals]

I'm not comfortable with compliments so I'll post the pic I sent to her. This girl has the most amazing calf-length hair: http://25.media.tumblr.com/31fd13421017e1b5e582bc067c52d29b/tumblr_mpcy98rrDm1s43k2mo3_1280.jpg

[heidi w.]

No one ever talks to me badly. EVER. I simply don't put up with stupidity. EVER.
Has anyone noticed I'm obsessed, yes. But no one has ever said an unkind word to me. Maybe around classic length when I was feeling pretty crappy about myself, a girl told me to cut it. I cried. But that's life.
No one ever is disrespectful of me anymore.
Ever.
Just tell them back: You don't have the right to speak to me that way or in that tone, or whatever you like.
It works. Trust me, it works. Shuts em right up.

And you have to learn WHEN to speak about hair. Here are my rules: up at work, all the time, every day, no matter what. I don't talk hair or fuss with hair while working. Ever.

Most people have no idea my hair was as long as it was I wore it up every single day.

It takes some practice to know when to share and when not to share. You'll get better with some practice. And don't bring up hair ever. Let them ask. Don't tell anyone anything because they don't care that you know.
Heidi w.

[lunalocks]

I have periodic "conversations" with my MOTHER. She has never complimented my hair, so one day when she said "my your hair is so getting long" and I smiled and said yes it is, and she replied, so when are you going to cut it? (Me: I'm not). More lately, it has been about the grays. She is pestering me to color over the grey (so far, kinky silvers only at the temples and a few in the bangs. I like them!). Last week when she started, I said, "I am never going to color my hair" and she said "yes, I know, but maybe you could cut it or style it so it doesn't make you look so old." Apparently my endless variety of buns makes me look old.

I just stay calm. Say in a quiet voice that I really like my hair this way. I think she is worried about what people will think about HER having a daughter with gray hair. By the way, she is 96.

[CousinItt]

Threatening to cut off your hair was over-the-top nasty. It's one thing to get annoyed with someone's obsession - I can see how that can happen- but to get aggressively angry, especially when it seems you were complimenting her, isn't exactly the kind of behavioural I'd expect from a "friend". I'm with spidermom, I hope you told her to put a sock in it.

[Mesmerise]

And this is why I pretty much don't discuss hair with people! It only comes up in conversation when they say something that prompts it. If someone asked what I was doing with my hair, I'd say growing it (not that you can tell, as it's the shortest I've had it for almost 20 years... *sigh*). I wouldn't say how long, or anything about my plans. Some people may think it's odd that I've gone back to my natural colour, but few people have actually commented on it (given that it's getting quite gray and almost no one my age shows their grays, I guess it may seem odd...). Hair is just a "me" thing, and I don't expect anyone else to understand it!

[swearnsue]

I would keep the hair and lose the friend.

[Kherome]

I cannot wrap my head around the idea that hair can be gross simply based on length. That is the oddest thing I think I've ever heard.

[silvertongue]

That was quite rude of your friend, but it wasn't a serious threat, you know? Just some angry, empty words. It's commendable that you understand your friend is frustrated. However, it sounds like you'd be better off without her, especially if she has a history of attacking you or others like this.

[HappyHair87]

(((spirals))) I am so sorry you had to deal with insensitivity. I'm young but i too understand what you mean about being in pain...as i live with chronic pain too (fibro...although mine isn't as bad as some people i know of). Growing your hair and taking care of it is a kind of therapy...and it does seem to be a way to calm down and ease the mind. Don't worry, you can always come here and talk about hair allllllll you want! We LOVE to hear it! :)

*passes you an e-ice cream cone:D*

[alexis917]

Every thread I see you on, you're incredibly respectful and helpful!
AND your hair is gorgeous. Her own insecurities or issues shouldn't influence the way she treats you, that's unfair.
I'm sorry this happened, and I'm sorry you have to censor yourself, but at least you don't have to here!

I feel the same way about my hair as you do. I'm in recovery (recovered?) from EDNOS (w/ bulimic tendencies) and my hair is my pride and joy.
I'm naturally underweight, I just don't purge anymore. But I like being able to see how healthy my hair is.
I like that the very ends show how unhealthy I used to be and they're a stark contrast from the rest of my hair.
I like that I can motivate myself to eat healthier because I know it'll make my hair better!

I never talk about hair because I love science, and unconventional stuff...
When my friends talk about bleaching their hair, I want to talk about the chemical reaction and they just sort of look at me like....oh?
I still haven't told them about oiling...

[spirals]

Thank you to everyone. I really feel many of you have much prettier hair than mine, but it is what it is and I accept that. Honestly, y'all, it wasn't really about my hair. She is annoyed at a decision I've made in another life area because she wants sometihing for me that I'm backing off of right now. I sent her a text regarding that just before the pic, so she flew off the handle about the pic. But yeah, I can tell I'm annoying some of my friends with hair stuff. Glad I have you all.

[Darkessa]

I have sadly had this conversation with my mother several times.
She doesnt think its too long... yet.... But she comments on how long it is almost every time I see her, then mentions something about a haircut followed by some remark about how stringy it "will" get.

I just tell her its my hair, and I can do as I please with it.
Thankfully she has been kind enough to acknowledge that, and drop it. But she always has to throw in a few cents every time we get together.
I havent had any bad conversations with anyone yet... I just hope I never really do.

And I swear... Swear! That if anyone threatens to, or comes at me with a pair of scissors... I will break their friggen nose. No questions asked... Just straight up, upward palm jab to the nose.
That is, and always will be, my biggest fear when it comes to my hair.

[biogirl87]

Thank you to everyone. I really feel many of you have much prettier hair than mine, but it is what it is and I accept that. Honestly, y'all, it wasn't really about my hair. She is annoyed at a decision I've made in another life area because she wants sometihing for me that I'm backing off of right now. I sent her a text regarding that just before the pic, so she flew off the handle about the pic. But yeah, I can tell I'm annoying some of my friends with hair stuff. Glad I have you all.We're glad to have you here on LHC with all of us, spirals. I actually read your first post in this thread a while back but at first didn't know how to respond and I certainly didn't want to make you feel worse. Like others here I fully support your decision/ambition/desire to have long hair. Your hair is really beautiful and I see no reason why you should cut it. Honestly, if I was in the same situation as you, I think it would be hard for me not to snap back at the 'friend' and hurt her, so I applaud you for handling the situation so well.

[merseaone]

I don't talk about my hair a ton but I get that talk about talking about cancer. The one person that doesn't like me talking about cancer which is now a part of my life forever is family and I told them on several occasions, "If you don't want to hear about what is going on in my life don't call and don't come by." I am part of a Breast Support group that educates women and men about breast cancer. Yes, peeps, men get BC, too!