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Soraine
May 1st, 2013, 02:03 AM
I have a close friend who always complains about her hair. I know she is somewhat envious of my hair because she is constantly comparing hers and mine, the length, the condition of it... what I don't get is the fact that she's always moaning about the bad condition of her hair but when I give her advice her standard answers are, "It will take forever " or "I'm lazy". This feels incredibly frustrating to me as I can see how damaged her hair is and I want to help!

Furthermore, she has recently dyed her hair red after seeing me with red hair... I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I feel like I just got my identity stolen! The day I saw her she complained again about how the bleaching and dying had made her hair feel "like crap". She then grabbed my loose hair to compare and seemed somewhat angry and disgruntled that my hair is still as soft as ever, even after chemical processing. I don't know what to feel about this. We are pretty close but she is starting to get on my nerves. I'm upset she's a red head too!! I feel petty and do not want to share my hair secrets anymore, especially about the manic panic and special effects dyes that I use(!!), since she always disregards what I say or want to have it exactly like mine. Sigh. I feel horrible inside feeling this way about a friend but at the same time I feel drained. I'm starting to realise she's one of those toxic friends who complains to pass on their misery so they can feel better about themselves.

Why are people like this? :(

I am trying to avoid her for awhile because I am so tired of her constant complaints and the fact that we are now hair twins which feels really disturbing to me:(

longhairedlady
May 1st, 2013, 02:11 AM
I wouldnt share any more hair tips with her, especially with her copying your do! That would irritate me also.

Soraine
May 1st, 2013, 02:28 AM
I wouldnt share any more hair tips with her, especially with her copying your do! That would irritate me also.

Yes, I think I will stop seeing and talking to her for a while and sharing tips. Anyway, now that she has a boyfriend she is constantly flaking on me whenever we are supposed to meet.

Sadly, I am waiting gleefully for the day her dye fades and turn an ugly orange.:whistle:

Lol. I feel so vindictive right now. I feel so baaaaaaaad! :slap:

jacqueline101
May 1st, 2013, 03:51 AM
I agree I'd give her space and with hold hair advice.

Ocelan
May 1st, 2013, 04:06 AM
That soulds like me and my friends when we were 11, not like adult behaviour. If she complains again I would just tell hel straight up "Well I gave you advice but you didn't listen, so I'm tired and won't take it anymore. You caused it all for yourself." And if she gets angry, then it's her problem since you only told her the truth. Tbh, it might actually make her think and is she has any sense in her head, she shouldn't be angry for long.

I would give her space now that she seems to be too preoccupied with her BF anyway and only let her contact you when she actually wants to spend time with you. One of my friends is like that even thought she has been with her BF for over a year. I live far away now and when I go visit in her town she says she will meet me but then she sends out a text after we should have already met about how she decided to spend the day with her BF instead, just like she does spend time with him every day... I am tired of trying anymore and will only go somewhere where she is only if I'm going anyway. Last time we met she was 6 hours late...

AnnaB
May 1st, 2013, 05:07 AM
That totally sucks!!!

However I think you're an amazing friend for giving her the advise in the first place and not saying anything to her about copying your hair! This makes you a better person.
I think you should distance yourself and avoid her if you can. Do not share any tips with her. If she compares and moans about her hair again, just say 'This was your choice, not mine. Leave me and my hair out of it'

Those toxic friends drain us and leave us feeling **** while they feel better about themselves by making us feel ****.

My mother has a lodger who is 5 years younger than me (I'm 24). She constantly whines about her hair and how it doesn't grow and she dyes it once a week (bright red colour). She copies my clothes, my perfume (which to my is my signature scent which I have been wearing for 7 years!!) and now she makes me braid her hair how I braid MINE!!! so she looks like me too. It drives me nuts. If i'm on a diet, she is on a diet, if I buy a dress she has to have same. And when I feel like crap, she comes and says that she feels amazing and loosing weight or something else that she knows i feel sensitive about.

Some people are emotional vampires, they have to suck the happiness out of the rest.


I have seen your other thread with your red hair. It is beautiful! Be proud of what you have and what you've achieved and don't let anyone ruin that for you!!

Soraine
May 1st, 2013, 08:09 AM
That soulds like me and my friends when we were 11, not like adult behaviour. If she complains again I would just tell hel straight up "Well I gave you advice but you didn't listen, so I'm tired and won't take it anymore. You caused it all for yourself." And if she gets angry, then it's her problem since you only told her the truth. Tbh, it might actually make her think and is she has any sense in her head, she shouldn't be angry for long.

I would give her space now that she seems to be too preoccupied with her BF anyway and only let her contact you when she actually wants to spend time with you. One of my friends is like that even thought she has been with her BF for over a year. I live far away now and when I go visit in her town she says she will meet me but then she sends out a text after we should have already met about how she decided to spend the day with her BF instead, just like she does spend time with him every day... I am tired of trying anymore and will only go somewhere where she is only if I'm going anyway. Last time we met she was 6 hours late...

I can't believe she made you wait 6 hrs for her... I feel so shocked. That's not proper behaviour between friends! I gave up trying to talk to her and now just keep my silence whenever the topic of hair comes up, but it happens every time I see her. It's always the first thing she complains about...the next being that she's fat... which she isn't but keeps saying it so that she can hear me say that she's not :justy: I will have to use those words if she complains again. She does act like a 12yo even though she's 21!!


That totally sucks!!!

However I think you're an amazing friend for giving her the advise in the first place and not saying anything to her about copying your hair! This makes you a better person.
I think you should distance yourself and avoid her if you can. Do not share any tips with her. If she compares and moans about her hair again, just say 'This was your choice, not mine. Leave me and my hair out of it'

Those toxic friends drain us and leave us feeling **** while they feel better about themselves by making us feel ****.

My mother has a lodger who is 5 years younger than me (I'm 24). She constantly whines about her hair and how it doesn't grow and she dyes it once a week (bright red colour). She copies my clothes, my perfume (which to my is my signature scent which I have been wearing for 7 years!!) and now she makes me braid her hair how I braid MINE!!! so she looks like me too. It drives me nuts. If i'm on a diet, she is on a diet, if I buy a dress she has to have same. And when I feel like crap, she comes and says that she feels amazing and loosing weight or something else that she knows i feel sensitive about.

Some people are emotional vampires, they have to suck the happiness out of the rest.


I have seen your other thread with your red hair. It is beautiful! Be proud of what you have and what you've achieved and don't let anyone ruin that for you!!

Thank you so much AnnaB! She had constantly told me over the weeks that she will be dying the same colour as me and I have had a talk with her about it, politely telling her how I feel about the situation. Even with that, she has gone ahead and done it after she told me she will be dying her hair purple instead like she had always wanted to... I respect her choices and she may do what she likes. However, like what you all have said, I don't have to be around her. I guess I feel lied to and a bit betrayed if you get what I mean.

I'm so sorry to hear you have someone like that close to you as well Anna! I know how horrible it feels when you no longer feel original :( I dislike people who claim to be your friend but constantly tries to 'one-up' you, like it's all such a competition.

I guess the silver lining in all this is that LHC works!! All the care and concern I have showed to my hair has paid off, and I have lovely red and healthy(!!) hair down to my bum, which is an accomplishment that not many non-LHCers have achieved.

browneyedsusan
May 1st, 2013, 08:18 AM
Distance yourself from this person. She sounds like an emotional leech. Be nice and respectful, but don't spend time with her. All that negativity will rub off, and you don't want any of it on you! Be happy, stay away from her.

MidnightMoon
May 1st, 2013, 09:04 AM
I have a close friend who always complains about her hair. I know she is somewhat envious of my hair because she is constantly comparing hers and mine, the length, the condition of it... what I don't get is the fact that she's always moaning about the bad condition of her hair but when I give her advice her standard answers are, "It will take forever " or "I'm lazy". This feels incredibly frustrating to me as I can see how damaged her hair is and I want to help!

Furthermore, she has recently dyed her hair red after seeing me with red hair... I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I feel like I just got my identity stolen! The day I saw her she complained again about how the bleaching and dying had made her hair feel "like crap". She then grabbed my loose hair to compare and seemed somewhat angry and disgruntled that my hair is still as soft as ever, even after chemical processing. I don't know what to feel about this. We are pretty close but she is starting to get on my nerves. I'm upset she's a red head too!! I feel petty and do not want to share my hair secrets anymore, especially about the manic panic and special effects dyes that I use(!!), since she always disregards what I say or want to have it exactly like mine. Sigh. I feel horrible inside feeling this way about a friend but at the same time I feel drained. I'm starting to realise she's one of those toxic friends who complains to pass on their misery so they can feel better about themselves.

Why are people like this? :(

I am trying to avoid her for awhile because I am so tired of her constant complaints and the fact that we are now hair twins which feels really disturbing to me:(


I don't know what to say...haven't you felt envious of someone ever in your life?...It's not a nice feeling but it's not about 'you' it's about that something that upsets her and she would like to have...like some people with green or blue eyes who mostly don't care about them yet me, for example consider my brown eyes extremely boring would love to have green or blue eyes, I sometimes think about it and perhaps make comments on how nice they look or something. It's temporary and perhaps it won't last forever, the thing with your friend, you know? Maybe she's been feeling a bit down because of something in her life (maybe she wants something she sees positive in yours and tries to 'imitate' you in other ways so perhaps her life will be similar too), there are many possibilities...and she's your friend...and you have the nice hair after all...
I'd just try to help her feel better about her own features or try to help her find something else to 'work on' on her body, perhaps focus on her skin, eyes, whatever, so she can have her own thing to care about and feel pretty without it being the same thing as yours...
Don't 'un friend' her because of this would my advice...I mean, you don't get rid of people just because they're having a bad attitude or not being as nice as usual for some time if you truly estimate them...

spidermom
May 1st, 2013, 09:13 AM
Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery or so they say. I don't get why you would be irritated about the red hair.

As for the constant complaining, I'd cut her loose for that. I've had people like that in my life, and it's not worth it. You shouldn't walk away from time with a friend feeling drained.

MidnightMoon
May 1st, 2013, 09:19 AM
I have a close friend who always complains about her hair. I know she is somewhat envious of my hair because she is constantly comparing hers and mine, the length, the condition of it... what I don't get is the fact that she's always moaning about the bad condition of her hair but when I give her advice her standard answers are, "It will take forever " or "I'm lazy". This feels incredibly frustrating to me as I can see how damaged her hair is and I want to help!

Furthermore, she has recently dyed her hair red after seeing me with red hair... I'm not quite sure how I feel about this. I feel like I just got my identity stolen! The day I saw her she complained again about how the bleaching and dying had made her hair feel "like crap". She then grabbed my loose hair to compare and seemed somewhat angry and disgruntled that my hair is still as soft as ever, even after chemical processing. I don't know what to feel about this. We are pretty close but she is starting to get on my nerves. I'm upset she's a red head too!! I feel petty and do not want to share my hair secrets anymore, especially about the manic panic and special effects dyes that I use(!!), since she always disregards what I say or want to have it exactly like mine. Sigh. I feel horrible inside feeling this way about a friend but at the same time I feel drained. I'm starting to realise she's one of those toxic friends who complains to pass on their misery so they can feel better about themselves.

Why are people like this? :(

I am trying to avoid her for awhile because I am so tired of her constant complaints and the fact that we are now hair twins which feels really disturbing to me:(



Reading your post again...why did you 'give away your secrets' anyways if you didn't want her to have hair like yours?...(although hers is in pretty worse condition from what you described...). I think anyone should have hair whatever colour they want, the colour of your hair isn't your 'identity'...it's something you bought, took out of a jar and put it on your hair...maybe it's because of this you're feeling so bad about it?...Hair dye doesn't make anyone more special or unique, and that's something perhaps you and your friend should think about...(you because of how much something so trivial in my opinion affects you) and her because this is probably the reason why she is 'imitating' you, because she feels she will then have a similar personality or get the attention destined to you...whatever.
So...just relax about it being the same colour and focus on, as I said in my previous post, helping your friend feel beautiful about her own features, -something that requires as little chemical alteration as possible :P-, you'll find yourself free from her complains and if she feel beautiful about herself she will probably want to stop being you...
Just my opinion/advice.

Soraine
May 1st, 2013, 09:51 AM
Spidermom, Yes, I have heard that phrase before. Maybe I should have used better wording. I think what I felt was uncomfortable. It makes me feel uncomfortable because of how she insecure she feels around me and I can feel the vibration of her negative emotions, especially right after I saw her and she immediately spoke something negative about herself and the expression on her face when she compared my hair and hers.

If this action came from loving herself then I would feel happy for her... but it came from an unhealthy place of insecurity. Like I said, it feels more like she is trying to 'one up' me with all the comparisons and I dislike being the person stuck in the middle. It does not feel good and makes me feel a similarly negative emotion. I just wish she would love herself and own her own being. That's where true beauty comes from... owning your own person.

I did not say anything after she dyed her hair. It was her choice and I respect that.

MidnightMoon, I have tried to help her feel better about herself like giving advice and telling her she's beautiful because she is. But somehow she always finds a way to disagree with me and that feels incredibly frustrating and draining because she does not want to change. It's not just because of a particular action, but the repetition of the same thing over and over again. I get that she may feel self conscious, but I don't understand why she chooses to be stuck in it. I have felt envious of other people before, but I have learnt to love myself and admire them without the vibe of jealousy and bitterness that seems to emanate. It feels incredible disturbing to be around her sometimes. I am not saying that I will be cutting her out of my life but just that I don't want to see her as much as I have been. I understand how it feels to be insecure but I do not want to be the one helping her hold her insecurities and let her transfer her misery to me.

Soraine
May 1st, 2013, 10:00 AM
MidnightMoon, I "gave away my secrets" because I genuinely wanted to help her. But there comes a point where it becomes too much although I do see where you are coming from. Yes, when I first posted that I did indeed feel upset. But now that I have thought about it, I feel that it was actually because I was uncomfortable being the person that she looks up to because it comes with responsibility... what I say or do around her can influence her in ways I'm not sure I want to. I don't want that responsibility of being tied to her self-image.

Chromis
May 1st, 2013, 10:02 AM
I'd move her in my mind to "acquaintance" rather than "friend". You shouldn't feel drained after talking to friends on a regular basis. Sure everyone has down days, but this sounds like a more long term thing and like she is trying to drag you down with her.

There are lots more people in the world to meet, and sometimes we just don't click with all of them and the reverse is true as well.

Bagginslover
May 1st, 2013, 11:09 AM
It sounds to me like this girl has set you on a pedistal, you are her idea of perfection, and she aspires to be like you, in every way. I can understand why this makes you feel uncomfortable. People usually reserve this behavior for popstars, actors and other celebrities, people who cannot see what they are doing, people they are removed from. By using you as her idol, she perhaps thinks she can attain what you have, as she is that much closer already (who doesn't want to know someone they idolise?).
She also sounds incredibly immature, saying she's 'too lazy' etc, skipping out on plans and being so late, all smacks of someone who isn't at your level of maturity.
I would deal with it this way- next time she complains about herself and compares it to you, don't act like its a compliment. Tell her 'you do realise this is the result of years of work, don't you?' (or other suitable response depending on the subject, that would work for hair condition/length though). Tell her if she isn't willing to put in the work, she doesn't deserve the result she wants. harsh? Perhaps. But it will do one of 2 things-wake her up and get her to try (in which case she'll be grateful), or turn her off you (in which case, you might be better off without her anyway).

I wish you luck, 'friends' like this are hard work.

leslissocool
May 1st, 2013, 11:56 AM
She's your frenemy :lol:. I have one like that! I rarely see her though, maybe once a year.

I agree with the other post, she puts you on a pedestal.

Seems like she wants what you have, to be thin and have long red hair, because it looks great on you, and she thinks it comes all easy for you, like you are "naturally" this way. She doesn't see the work it takes to obtain it.

I'd call her your frenemy, put distance on. I wouldn't withhold the tips, I would start being blunt. "OMG my hair looks like crap it sucks" "You need to take care of it, or else it will stay that way. It's work".

Maybe she does have something bad going on, and she's taking it out on you. But I think, really, she she idolizes you and is just envious. Her behavior would make me feel very uncomfortable.

SleepyTangles
May 1st, 2013, 12:11 PM
Here, I'm probably going to say something not very popular, but...
Its normal to have "no" moments in your friendships. No one is perfect, no friendship is either. If there aren't specific problems, if you aren't questioning her affection for you... I wouldn't be too hard with her...
Obviously, these are my two cents and you are absolutely free to ignore them :flower:

Just please keep in mind that people sometimes have phases. I understand why you are so irritated... geez, I'm not happy to share my "trademark" things, expecially my body mist because I hate to have other people having my smell.
However, being able to inspire people is beautiful. I'd try to understand what she sees in you, other than your beautiful hair: I think she has probably seen something desirable in your personality or life, too. While, as you say, she complains constantly about herself.
I repeat, my two cents.

panffle
May 1st, 2013, 01:30 PM
I know exactly how you feel! I had a friend who'd always try to put me down because my hair is naturally black. For a while I felt bad about my "flat boring black hair", until she started straightening her hair and saying she wanted to dye it black.
Don't feel bad for feeling the way you feel, you are human and allowed to have feelings, no matter good or bad about someone else. Stay away from her for a while, and if she comes complaining to you just nod and agree. If she still refuses to take your advice on hair care, then just tell her that it annoys you?

AnnaB
May 2nd, 2013, 09:35 AM
I don't want to offend anyone at all, but I have to disagree with the 'she put you on a pedestal' part. In my opinion (which I am not forcing on anyone :) ,if you put somebody on pedestal you try to follow the actions of that person. In this case, your friend would try to be following your regime and actually listen when you give her tips/your secrets. I also think the fact that you did give away your secrets means you tried to help her achieve better/healthier hair. So there is a difference betweem putting somebody on a pedestal, and purely being envious of somebodys achievement (and wanting the same without doing the work).

You don't have to try and make her feel better about her own features, its not your job. We have to learn to love ourselves the way we are before others will love us. Everyone finds their own way to be unique, in your case your red hair is yours.

I just think you don't need to feel bad about this whole situation. Just feel proud of your amazing hair, and make this person your acquaintance not your friend. I don't agree with confrontations or arguments, somebody always get hurt. So distance yourself and be happy. :)

leslissocool
May 2nd, 2013, 10:57 AM
I don't want to offend anyone at all, but I have to disagree with the 'she put you on a pedestal' part. In my opinion (which I am not forcing on anyone :) ,if you put somebody on pedestal you try to follow the actions of that person. In this case, your friend would try to be following your regime and actually listen when you give her tips/your secrets. I also think the fact that you did give away your secrets means you tried to help her achieve better/healthier hair. So there is a difference betweem putting somebody on a pedestal, and purely being envious of somebodys achievement (and wanting the same without doing the work).



I see your point. However, the copying the hair color/mimic she is doing has been done in the past (not to me, to my BFF) by girls who have put her in a pedestal. They will rant how "great" she was and how the ribbon thing (she did a ribbon thing, like 7 years ago) was so awesome but it didn't look nearly as cool/good on them ect ect. Yet, they never learned to do it right (I explained it to them) and they would still complain.

Often people forget all the hard work you do to be a certain way (have long hair, lose weight/be fit) and just attribute it to "she's so lucky!"

Angelica
May 2nd, 2013, 12:10 PM
I feel sorry for her. To copy someone demonstrates clearly how inadequate she feels about herself. She might be giving the OP headaches about her constant complaining, but perhaps this girl has no one in her life to share her problems with, perhaps deep down her hair is the least of her worries. Her complaing as well could also be because she needs reassurance. If she says again her hair is crap, tell her it isn't too bad (even if it is lying) and advise her it would be even better if she took pride in it - not dyeing for one thing, some people's hair really suffers from that and could end up breaking or worse, she could lose it completely. I hope there is a solution for both of you.

AnnaB
May 2nd, 2013, 12:23 PM
Often people forget all the hard work you do to be a certain way (have long hair, lose weight/be fit) and just attribute it to "she's so lucky!"

You have hit nail on the head there. I totally agree, people seem to overlook how hard it is to achieve something and when they want to copy/mimic somebody they think its as easy as to click their fingers and have the same. Just doesn't work that way.

Lunadriael
May 2nd, 2013, 01:57 PM
As for the constant complaining; she could be depressed or have body dysmorphic disorder. It's quite common and once people get into a funk about not liking themselves it's not really to do with you at all. No matter what you say is good about her she won't believe it because she's convinced herself she's really ugly/too fat/her hair is rubbish.... any or all of those. I do agree that when a friend is like that it can be very toxic for you, but it is also important to consider that she might be going through a hard time in her life, even if it's just emotionally, and she probably wants to feel different about herself, she just doesn't know how.

Probably the best way for her to stop feeling like that is to get something else to focus on other than her looks. I've had issues with hating myself in the past and it's not a rational behaviour. I knew I was dragging people around me down, I just couldn't stop the way I was feeling, and then I'd feel bad about the fact I made others dislike me, or the fact I'd ruined the evening of someone I cared about and beat myself up even more... It can take years to improve a negative mindset and once you are depressed it's so hard to stop feeling that way.

In the end what really made a difference for me was getting into something physical I really liked (i.e. dance) and also when someone wanted to go out with me. Then I stopped focusing on all the negative stuff as I had things I could do that boosted my self esteem and made me happy. Also exercise releases endorphins etc., and who doesn't feel flattered when someone wants to date them?

Try not to take it to heart that she is being so negative around you. She admires you, but this is definitely more to do with her. She clearly feels inadequate about herself. Perhaps she imagines that your life is a lot better and you live a charmed existence because of your good looks. She wants what you have, but probably isn't in the frame of mind to work for it. You can't make her take your advice, and you can't get her to change, but if you value her as a friend try and stay positive around her. Just let all her nasty comments slide off your back & try and encourage her to do stuff that's fun, rather than let her sit around and moan when she's with you.

If she's making you feel depressed or absolutely terrible, then you may have to distance yourself from her because it's unhealthy for you. You have beautiful hair, and I get that it's always infuriating and kind of creepy when someone tries to steal your identity or become you. In those moments simply try to remember that it's because you're admired and she still can't take away your essence, no matter what she does to herself or how much she copies your look. :flower:

Earelia
May 2nd, 2013, 03:59 PM
UGGGHHHH. I used to have friend just like this but 10x worse. She would always dye her hair constantly usually my color, wear out my favorite music that I introduced her to, borrowed all of my clothes. She would always complain about everything and when presented with options she'd have all these excuses. But she was a thief and an addict so she got kicked to the kirb real quick. =/

heidi w.
May 2nd, 2013, 06:05 PM
Your friend is lazy, as admitted. She doesn't really want to know; just complain. Nix nae her from your list. And consider copying the highest form of a compliment, easier to take it that way.
heidi w.

lapushka
May 2nd, 2013, 06:32 PM
My dad had a "friend" like that, actually a work colleague. He dressed like my dad (same long overcoat, same color shirt, tie, etc.). Same car. He even named his child the same name my parents named me. So, yeah... They grew apart after a while. My dad was always very tolerant of him, though.

I'd keep my distance, if I were you.

Rilig
May 2nd, 2013, 07:30 PM
I think that girl's low self esteem is to blame. She dislikes herself, so she turning to you, a person she does like, to copy, hoping it'll make her feel better. (So many commas!) It won't, hon, sorry. Maybe you could make that known to her? I don't know.

chen bao jun
May 3rd, 2013, 09:44 AM
The complaining is draining and I can see how you want to avoid hearing this, especially with someone who does not even considering implementing the solutions you offer. but as for the copying, that's a compliment in my eyes. I never mind when someone copies something I do such as buying the same dress or shoes (it never looks the same anyway as we are all unique and different) and though it is sort of sad when they change themselves to imitate something I naturally have, I figure it must mean that I look attractive. One sister in law recently bought a wig that looks exactly like my natural hairstyle and though she says nothing, I feel this is a compliment. (she has unfortunately worn extensions and hair weaves for years and has little hair left under the wig, poor thing). Another one would for years wear colored contacts that imitated my natural hazel/green eyes and I thought that was a compliment too. She would be so pleased when people thought we looked alike! But her eyes came out at night while mine do not. So----

HadessThera
May 3rd, 2013, 04:21 PM
I have a friend exactly like this, I'm dying my hair blonde rather than red though, gradually, and have been since November last year which she knows because she spoke to me about it many times, she recently bleached her black hair and obviously, it didn't turn out that well (blonde-ish roots, pitch black ends and damage galore), she sent me a picture saying "going blonde" so I said "oh like me" to which she replied "since when"...that got under my skin, it's one thing that she copies me in everything, although I threw a hissy fit when she tried to use one of my tattoo designs (I draw the line at permanent body modification), but it's another thing entirely that she copied me and is now making out that I'm actually copying her, and has been telling people that I'm now dying my hair like hers...She also moans endlessly about everything and then demands, she does not ask, advice from me only to pour scorn on my advice or dismiss it. She did this with her hair and I gave her some advice both on various treatments and on colour correction (both of which she demanded because my hair is still in good condition, something she is pretty angry about for some bizarre reason) and after giving her my solutions (SMT, coconut oil pre-dye treatments, Colour B4 for left over pigment, etc) her response was "ugh, what a mission, not happening", I just said "well you asked and that's what I do".

Personally, I've been distancing myself from her, she is very draining, delights in my failings and begrudges my success, I don't need that kind of energy around me and I'm tired of pandering to her but you have to decide whether distance is good for you or if you can tolerate the imitation, it's irritating sometimes sure, but not necessarily something that will cause huge problems, I have other friends who also imitate me and we are getting along perfectly, I think it's the way it's done, if someone if petty, competitive and only trying to beat you at your own game so to speak it's awful, but if it's all in good fun and you just have similar styles then I'm not as bothered, those friends also usually ask me first if I'm ok with them ding something that I've already done and respect me if I say it seems weird to me, those friends don't want to look like a gaggle of clones either so we try not to tread on any toes and keep our own identities separate.

lacefrost
May 3rd, 2013, 07:58 PM
Soraine, I feel your pain. I don't think it's wrong for you to feel as you feel. I also think many are not hearing what you have to say. You've been a great friend to her. You constantly try to help her by giving her advice, being positive, and trying to let her negativity to roll off your back. I think that's great! I also think it's great that you're acknowledging that it's wearing you down and driving you crazy. You're her friend, not her therapist, not her everything and you should not be required to be those things. As many people have said, this is not about you---and friendships should be about you sometimes. It's a relationship between two people. What kind of relationship is it if it's one sided?

I know there is good in her because of how you've tried to show her that goodness. For that reason I think acquaintancing her is not a step to take at the moment. What I would do if I were in your situation is to become "activity partners" with her. She needs something to focus on that makes her feel good on yourself and you need to be able to enjoy her company without stress. So instead of just "hanging out," take a dance class together or hiking or pottery or knitting or whatever. And yes, I would be up front with her about how you feel.

Disclaimer: I am not what people consider "nice." I'm kind but I'm not nice. So I've always been very honest and up front with my friends. And I do feel that walking on eggshells around people, especially depressed people, does not help them. It can't all be soft love; sometimes the love has to be tough.

MaryMarx
May 4th, 2013, 02:31 AM
Uh, I feel sorry for you. A lot of people are unhappy in theirselves and when they meet other people who are apparently happy and satisfied with their lives, they will try to copy the factors that are visible, like hair, clothes, accesories...

It's a shame she won't listen to your advices, I think you should stop giving them until she actually asks you with an intent to follow them.

Soraine
May 4th, 2013, 03:24 AM
Thanks for all the great responses :)

As someone who has been through and recovered from depression I am very wary of being around negative people. My friend is not a bad friend. However lacefrost is right in saying that a relationship/friendship should be a two way street. In this case, I always feel that I end up being a therapist to her. If you have friends who constantly say the same thing negatively it gets old very fast, especially when they do nothing to change. At this moment I am not sure I can be the 'rock' that she needs me to be in her life. My own mental health comes into consideration as I know I am someone prone to depression and I am afraid of being sucked into that hole again.

On the flip side... I know how it feels being unable to help myself because of denial. My point is, I don't have the strength to carry her through her self negativity. I can only give advice because from experience, I carried myself through my depression... no one could help me until I wanted to help myself. I had shut people out when they tried to give advice so I can see the parallels...


I have been completely honest with her everyone, I have told her that her complaining is wearing me down and it gets irritating because to me she is simply beautiful. She has told me that all her other friends call her fat.. hence that's why she calls herself fat but she knows, and says so, that she's not. The frustration comes from seeing her increase her insecurities by making them worse that way. Likewise about her hair I know she's going to feel the effects of the bleach much more than me because she did not take care of it in the first place and then it will seem as though everything is going bad. I don't really want to be the person who always has to deliver the bad and the ugly truths because I don't see the point in sugar-coating.

HadessThera, you are completely right about the way it was done being something that contributed to how awful it felt. I don't want a mini-clone, I want a friend! I want someone who's identity does not revolve around mine... Its not just the hair you know, she also complains about how she has no style and constantly asks me what to wear, or tell her where I got my clothes etc. so she can get the same stuff. I want a friend with her own opinions. I'm not her mother!!


Have any of you spent your time cultivating a relationship so it would florish and both persons can grow, only to realise once the other party has no more use of you that you are discarded? I have seen and had friendships like this based on some sort of 'idolisation' and it is my experience that once they feel that they have 'surpassed' you then all those good feelings turn ugly and the relationship is lost...

I am going to wait and see what happens now.

Soraine
May 4th, 2013, 03:43 AM
leslissocool, AnnaB, I agree as well. A big contribution to my anger and discomfited feelings is the complete disregard for the amount of work I put into caring for my hair. As my ex put it, I care for my hair like I do a baby (I LOL'ed when he said that. He's also completely bald and he told me he wished he met me earlier because I would have probably saved his hair. *rolls on the floor laughing*)

For her to disregard my advice and then turn around and do something she basically told me she would not do makes me feel so disrespected. People, not just my friend, don't understand how offhand remarks like "oh it's too much work", "you're just lucky" makes the recipient of that comment feel like ****. What it implies is that all my hard work and achievement meant nothing because it's "just hair". Same goes for any other achievement. :justy:

Funnily enough... guys are more receptive to hair advice and are actually interested in what I'm talking about. LOL.

kallarina
May 5th, 2013, 11:25 PM
I agree with lacefrost. I don't think people have really listened entirely to what you have to say.
I've had a friend like this as well. It seems that most everyone has at some point. I understand how hard it can be, dealing with the guilty feelings, feeling like you are in the wrong for not being comfortable with it. I've found that its one thing for a friend to say, "How did you do that, can you help me do that, I'd like to do that on myself" ect. and other thing entirely to copy you almost behind your back and pretend like it isn't happening. I think that's where the discomfort has always been for me. A friend who openly admires what I have, I'm willing to give them advice and help them out, even if it means they are "taking" something that I consider part of my identity. A person who imitates what I do without mentioning it weirds me out, like they are trying to become me in some creepy, perverted way. Like that movie, "Single White Female" or whatever it's called. The way that the hair coloring happened, I think you are perfectly entitled to feeling that way, because I know the feeling.
I don't think anyone here can really give you advice on the topic of your friendship. None of us really know you, or her. You are the one that knows the history there. There are a number of ways to handle this, but only you can decide what is best for you in the long run. That may be distancing yourself from her, but it's okay if that's not the best solution.
Do what feels right to you, and do what is best for you. After all, if you aren't looking out for you, who will be? You've been a great friend, but you also need to be kind to yourself.

Good luck!

akurah
May 8th, 2013, 11:11 PM
Eh, this isn't entirely helpful to you, but it may be to her... She needs to stop doing stuff to her hair. She needs to do only 3 things to it--detangle it morning and night, wear it up so that it doesn't get snagged on stuff, condition it when she washes it (and she doesn't need to wash daily), and for an arguable 4th? Oil it periodically. Based on what you've said, of course her hair is crap--hair doesn't like bleach and dye.