Bit of a rant

[Sassy9226]

ok. sorry but I need to vent a little to people who will understand.
I am sick and tired of people "playfully" threatening to cut off my bun/pony tail. It happens at work, it happens with my family, and if I ask them to stop they continue doing it because they think badgering me is funny.
Usually things like this don't get to me and I can tune them out, but my wedding is coming up and I am seriously stressed.
All this talk of cutting makes me all paranoid and only adds to my anxiety level and I can't take it anymore!!!
Who thinks this is ok behaviour?!? This is not ok, it justs makes me want to stay away from everyone.

Rant over.

[kaydana]

:grouphug:

Have you tried talking to them about how their comments are making you feel? I don't mean just asking them to stop, but explaining to them what you just told us. To the rest of the world hair isn't such a big deal, so there's a good chance they simply don't realise how they're making you feel.

[spidermom]

It's not o.k. I don't know what to do about people like that. It never happens to me so I have no experience.

[Nae]

I had a co-worker goof around and say something like that to me once. He was a good friend of mine but I didn't let him off the hook. I turned to him very seriously and said, "I would consider that assault." He scoffed and then looked in my eyes and put down the scissors.

[lapushka]

Getting this once or twice, ok, I could still laugh it off, but continuously and from the same people? No way. There's a point at which these things stop being funny. Don't they realize this? Maybe they think it's fun just to see what reaction it provokes in you, but then... that makes them a bully, doesn't it?

[Nique1202]

I'm so sorry you have to put up with that. A lot of people think that if they're just teasing it's OK, but it can be really hurtful. It is actually emotionally abusive to do these things, even though so many people consider it "normal".

I've been in the same position (friends opening and closing scissors next to my ears when I don't realize they're there, even!) when I was at BSL and it was frankly terrifying to me, to the point that when I got my pixie cut and trims, I jumped every time my hairdresser snipped near my ears or neck.

Try as hard as you can to politely let them know that, look, that makes you uncomfortable at best or that it really hurts/offends/scares you when they threaten to do that, even if it's just a joke to them, it's something you genuinely do not like. If they care about you, they shouldn't want to hurt you once they know how not to.

[Nebulae]

I agree with the good advice you have gotten here already.. I would really suggest that you talk to them and explain to them how uncomfortable those comments make you feel, like you did to us. If they still don't understand (which they should.. really) try come up with some examples that they can relate to, maybe?
It really isn't ok behaviour, I hope you won't have to put up with this any longer. :grouphug:

[Rivanariko]

When you ask them to stop, and they laugh and tell you to relax, they're just kidding, look them in the eye. Say "No, seriously. Stop. It's not funny anymore." Certain teasing is a game with some people, but if they're your friends, they should care that the game is no longer fun for you and that it really is bothering you. I had to do this with a woman who was teasing me about being pregnant (I'm childfree) at work a while back. Our dynamic had always been teasing and poking fun at each other, and she really didn't know that it was seriously bothering me. She stopped immediately after that.

I've used the assault thing too, but that's with my residents at work. One of them grabbed my braid once and asked what I'd do if you chopped it off. I very calmly told her I'd press charges for assault. None of them have bugged me about it since (though most of them love my long hair and get really upset when I wear it up because they think I've cut it off, lol!)

ETA: If they're continually badgering you at work when you've asked them to stop, that would be harassment. If they won't quit, talk to your supervisor. It's not okay. You should feel safe at your workplace.

[Xi]

Agreed -- DEFINITELY not ok. I don't get how making someone else upset is funny. I agree with all the advice, especially talking to a supervisor to stop the workplace harassment. I hope the people bothering you actually take a minute to think about what they're doing and lay off. Honestly, what is the matter with people??

[Natalia]

Ive had that rant before i bet we all have. I stopped wearing ponytails even occasionally years ago because of it. I did martial arts and couldnt wear buns because of my gear and i got sick of hearing it so i started braiding and pinning it up i just had to take it up and down twice a class which was annoying but it stopped the jokes. I cant fathom why people find it amusing to say to someone if i joked about cutting off a guys beard it would be offensive but to chop off my pony is funny? Im much snippy-er than i used to be so if anyone said it to me now they'd get it lol.

[jacqueline101]

I'd tell them to back off. You're tired of people bugging you about your hair. Tell them its your decision to have long hair and to leave your hair alone.

[bunnylake]

I had a co-worker goof around and say something like that to me once. He was a good friend of mine but I didn't let him off the hook. I turned to him very seriously and said, "I would consider that assault." He scoffed and then looked in my eyes and put down the scissors.

You go, girl. Seriously.

[akilina]

If It were a guy I would say something rude like "okay how about I cut your Di** off??? Because my hair is just as important to ME as your "member" is to YOU, okay??!?!" And truly and honestly..if someone told me that I would just say "Fu** you"... But maybe you are more sensitive than I am.

It totally sucks that people are saying this to you...and that you have expressed your feelings but they still badger you. I don't know what the solution is.
I really suggest trying to let it roll off...or come back with an even better rebuttal to these people! I guess...give them some of their own medicine? Find something you can poke at them like they do to you. Maybe then, they will realize that you do not like it.

[shutterpillar]

I'm sorry this is happening to you, and I agree with everyone else - it is not ok. I think it might be time to have a serious chat with these people. Explain to them how you do not think it is funny, and how it is making you anxious and anxiety ridden.

[spirals]

I just had a conversation with a guy at work about his comments to me. They weren't about my hair; they were degrading to women. I told him why I didn't like it, how it made me feel like an object, and even though he defended himself at first and didn't take me seriously, by the end of the conversation he agreed to stop. I've seen opportunities for him to make a jokey comment where he didn't. Sometimes being frank and open helps.

[Sassy9226]

Hello all. Thanks for the replys I have talked seriously with this man on several occasions and it's yet to stop I have told him to @&$! Off usually I just ignore but today I was just ultra stressed with life and work and some health issues and couldn't deal with it. I think maybe I should talk to our supervisor.

[RileyJane]

See, I see why ppl think that's funny, but that joke gets old after like 2 times. Besides the point, ppl should be nicer to u since ur wedding is coming up! Some ppl just don't understand I guess, I'll whenever someone ik is getting married, I try to make the lead up to the wedding nicer for them. Maybe they should too

[HereIGrowAgain]

I would file a complaint with your supervisor concerning the guy at work. He is threatening assault, plain and simple.

For friends and family, I'd try explaining my feelings once, and then if they did it again, I'd immediately get up and leave.

[spirals]

At this point, report him.

[Celtic Morla]

I don't usually get that type of teasing more than once because I usually answerr"how would you like it if I ripped your Baals off?" Or something to that effect if its a female. I intimidate people quite easily don't know why maybe all the years of animal handling?LOL

[lostchyld]

First, many congratulations on your impending wedding. :D

I'm sorry this situation is happening to you. I've got a similar but different situation at work and it sucks most of the time. My solution has been to poke back on a similar topic. Given the topic I'm being bothered about and the opinions of the people bothering me, I've got it pretty easy, most of the time. However, no one has said a word about cutting my hair beyond "Don't do it" when I'm frustrated with hair that isn't behaving and threatening to cut my hair off again. I hear more about my SO or lack thereof.

Depending on your work environment, you could push back a little at the coworker(s) who are bugging you. It's not something I would recommend, because it's difficult to gauge their responses or those of your boss and, depending on the company and policies, pushing back could cause trouble for you.

Family should be easier, if you want to risk turning it into a "Who can upset who the most" kind of war. If you're already stressed, I wouldn't try that. Rather than sitting down with everyone at once, pick one or two people who are vocal but likely to be sympathetic and get them on your side so they start correcting people when they hear those jokes. Then make sure that everyone else hears the "This really bothers me" statement from you. If you can, try to get it to them in a calm voice while they're doing it. I know my anxiety trips a giggle response that makes it seem like I'm having fun or enjoying myself when I really am only still present because my stress response also kills my ability to turn my back on a "threat" and leave. So they may not realize how badly you're being affected. I know my family doesn't and only two of my friends have any idea that my anxiety has triggered until I'm curled on the floor, in tears, and rocking. Get your future spouse on your side here as well, because that's part of what spouses are supposed to do.

Also, keep in mind that "Please stop" or "Quit that" have less effect than "If you do that one more time, there will be XYZ consequences."

I wish more people recognized that triggering anxiety or distress in someone else isn't funny, but some people and groups are predators and triggering anxiety is wired in. I don't think that this behavior will ever go away entirely unless the "prey" fight back. I've actually had some people trigger an anxiety attack on purpose because they thought it was hilarious when I freaked out and curled up in a ball crying and rocking. It didn't stop until I had the consequences talk with them and followed through with the consequences.

Good luck.