My PERFECT hair....will it be ruined?

[SlingMomEsq]

After years of posting/lurking on this site, I now have the PERFECT head of hair. Really. Almost waist length. Natural highlights and lowlights. Almost golden, really. VIRGIN hair. Only one cut in the life of the hair. Hardly ever have used shampoo...has not needed it. Condition only once in a while for tangles, and that only recently. Mostly just rinse with water, though.

The downside is that its stubborn owner, my six year old, has lately been on strike from letting me comb it at all. She runs off to the bus in the morning with it all askew (though sometimes she puts a headband in). The school probably thinks we are homeless. (Her crazy outfits also probably lend themselves to that conclusion, sadly.)

The top layer of hair in the back is pretty manageable, but underneath in the back there are permanent rats nests I think.

Just how long before it descends into dreads with TOO MUCH benign neglect?

And any suggestions? Honestly, it is the PERFECT, most enviable hair.

By the way, she insists she WANTS the long hair. She just won't take care of it.

Thanks for any advice.

[noelgirl]

What was effective on me at that age was being told that if I wanted long hair, I would need to take care of it. It sounds like you might have tried that already, though. But for me, that understanding stuck - I was a lot more willing to let my mom brush and braid it, and then a few years later, when she was in an accident and couldn't do it for me (long hospitalization and broken arm for months after that), I learned to do it myself pretty quickly.

[starlamelissa]

no no no. permanent rats nests? crazy homeless attire? no flippin way. i am pretty lenient,
(i let my son wear a batman cape to school yyesterday) but i will not let him leave the house looking uncared for. i understand kids who are forceful and demanding, but honestly what if she got lice in those tangles? what if you got reported to cps because she looked neglected? I would take her to the salon, have them cut it into a short bob, and tell her if she wants to grow it long again she needs to brush it every night before bed/every morning before school.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

My daughter and your daughter would get along SO WELL! Mine is 7.5 and it wasn't until a month or two ago did she realize how useful a ponytail was. Her hair was waist length at 3 years old but she was constantly getting food in it, it was a rats nest. We had to cut it to shoulder length. It has stayed between chin and shoulder since then. Just in the past year we have been oiling the ends and growing it out. Just like you, no 'poo and conditioner once a week.

With my daughter nothing you tell her will make her want to take care of her hair. She just had to reach the right age to understand that her hair COULD be beautiful and it could gain her attention (she's super social, lol) if she would just brush it before getting on the bus! I got her a tangle teaser of her own, and a little rubbermaid drawer set that is filled with pony tail holders and headbands and hair toys. Now she asks me for ponytails in the morning and it does't look like there could be a family of owls living in the back of her head.

I say just deal with it the best you can and give it time.

Editing to add: Will she sleep with a braid in?

[SlingMomEsq]

My daughter and your daughter would get along SO WELL! Mine is 7.5 and it wasn't until a month or two ago did she realize how useful a ponytail was. Her hair was waist length at 3 years old but she was constantly getting food in it, it was a rats nest. We had to cut it to shoulder length. It has stayed between chin and shoulder since then. Just in the past year we have been oiling the ends and growing it out. Just like you, no 'poo and conditioner once a week.

With my daughter nothing you tell her will make her want to take care of her hair. She just had to reach the right age to understand that her hair COULD be beautiful and it could gain her attention (she's super social, lol) if she would just brush it before getting on the bus! I got her a tangle teaser of her own, and a little rubbermaid drawer set that is filled with pony tail holders and headbands and hair toys. Now she asks me for ponytails in the morning and it does't look like there could be a family of owls living in the back of her head.

I say just deal with it the best you can and give it time.

Editing to add: Will she sleep with a braid in?

Excellent advice. Thanks. What is a tangle teaser? I did get two knot genies, which she likes.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Excellent advice. Thanks. What is a tangle teaser? I did get two knot genies, which she likes.

They are the same. We actually have a Knot Genie as well, couldn't pass it up for $7!

[SlingMomEsq]

They are the same. We actually have a Knot Genie as well, couldn't pass it up for $7!

Thank you!

[whiteorchid]

I've also struggled with my girls not wanting me to comb and brush their hair in the morning. I'm also not a very structured person by nature! But this is definitely a situation where routine is vital. You'll basically need to enforce the detangling and combing and/or brushing in the morning for the first week (won't be fun), but then she'll be used to it. This is coming from someone who has done attachment parenting, and I still let my 5-year-old daughter come into our bed in the middle of the night (every night without fail!). My girls are also both very stubborn, so I've had my share of struggles with them. But at 6, she'll be fine if you enforce the morning haircare. It might be VERY unpleasant for the first days to a week, but then the problem will be solved! And you'll both be happy after the new routine is established. :)

[elbow chic]

Tell her either take care of it herself (with your assistance) or she gets a haircut. Seems mean, I guess, but no child of mine is going to run around with mats in their hair. I'm pretty lenient too, but to me that crosses the line from "kids'll be kids!" to "mama can't be bothered."

Would she be amenable to having it braided? A nice english braid would be easy and definitely help minimize the amount of knot-picking and detangling you'd both have to endure every day. :)

My DD is six, too, and I keep her 3a hair pixie-short, as she haaaaaaates detangling with the fire of ten suns. No matter how gentle, she fights!

She has a choice, let Mama comb it, or Mama will give you a haircut. She always chooses the haircut. :laugh: (so did I, at that age.) She actually really enjoys going to "Mama's salon." lol Downside... she likes it so much she sometimes goes back over it and cuts chunks of it down to the scalp when my back is turned. :p

Do I wish she'd let the beautiful golden curlies grow out? Yes, but not til she is ready to deal with maintaining it.

[Peggy E.]

It would be my guess that the teacher may well already have an inkling that your daughter possesses a very strong will and sense of independence. These are fine qualities that will serve her well throughout her life, but it's not helping her mom right now!

But mom has a strong will, too - and a few years experience on this girl. And mom should seriously consider hauling her into the bathroom in the morning, locking the door, turning her around and reading the riot act:

"I'm brushing your hair this morning - and every morning - before you leave this house. Now, you can choose how you'd like it done, say braids? Pony tail? But you will not leave this room without a groomed head. There's no discussion. This is not a democracy. You will, indeed, begin losing your privileges if you fight me on this. (List privileges that matter to her here....)"

Then be prepared to fight tooth-and-nail. If the fight continues past a couple of days, it is time to tell her you are scheduling an appointment to have it cut. Again, no discussion. Only way this can be avoided is by the daughter letting you brush her hair.

Now the really tough part: Make the appointment and get her there. Every scream is an inch more off the length. If she screams her way to baldness, well, it will be virgin hair again!

Really, you are obviously not going to torture her thereby creating a lunatic psyche who will walk the earth chopping off other people's long hair, or something. But you are the power here - and having had a daughter much like this gal of yours, I've had more than my fair share of battles over more issues than I care to remember.

Won one or two, if I recall.... Pick your fights. It's the only thing you can do with these willful ones. They have to be able to win once in a while to give in when it really matters to you. The hair sounds pretty important, as it does need to be cared for. Just let her pick the style, no matter how much you might dislike it.

In the not too distant future, this girl of yours will be spending hours in the washroom - washing her hair, styling her hair, dying her hair, doing all the weird, wild and wonderful things young women do when they are searching out their personal signatures.

You will then look back on this time with a strong tug of nostalgia for days that will never come again.

It's a road chockful of some of the deepest potholes known to man, and, oh, how heart-heavy it is when they take their left turns onto the roads meant for them.

[starlamelissa]

"I'm brushing your hair this morning - and every morning - before you leave this house. Now, you can choose how you'd like it done, say braids? Pony tail? But you will not leave this room without a groomed head. There's no discussion. This is not a democracy."


Yup. I am a relaxed attachment parenting mama, but there are some things we just do, no matter what. You WILL be washed/hair combed/teeth brushed whether you like it or not. You can pick bubbles in your bath or bar soap, but either way your getting washed kiddo. LOL

[spirals]

Peggy E., you have the gift of writing. I love the way you string words together.

[ladonna]

I only wash my 4 and 8 year old daughters hair on Sunday and Thursday's, every night I spray thier hair with water and then mix a little condish with oil then run throughout thier hair. Then french/dutch braid. They never have tangles in the mornings now and thier hair looks like I took hours to style. At first I had to wrap my legs around my 4 year to be able to do her hair, but after a week it became part of her night time routine. My 4 year old has maybe 3b almost waistlength hair and my 8 year old has tbl 1c hair. They both remind me every night to braid their hair because tangles aren't fun and Mommy's going to remove the tangle even if they are kicking and screaming.
.

[lunalocks]

This brings back memories of me, brush in hand, and DD running away from me. Trying to brush her hair at the bus stop, and lots of whining and crying.

Started using a detangler on her hair. And I took her to a salon where she felt so grown up and listened to everything the stylist said. Cut the long hair in layers. That made the biggest difference of all.

Now, the stories of her running away from me, the brush in my hand and chasing her around the house - is a funny family story we tell. (she's 18 with beautiful, perfectly straight, below waist hair. Still some layers.)

[neko_kawaii]

no no no. permanent rats nests? crazy homeless attire? no flippin way. i am pretty lenient,
(i let my son wear a batman cape to school yyesterday) but i will not let him leave the house looking uncared for. i understand kids who are forceful and demanding, but honestly what if she got lice in those tangles? what if you got reported to cps because she looked neglected? I would take her to the salon, have them cut it into a short bob, and tell her if she wants to grow it long again she needs to brush it every night before bed/every morning before school.

Ah, the joys of modern parenting: threats by strangers to have CPS take your kids away. I doubt OP's daughter is going to school in tattered clothes that haven't been washed in months, not to mention lack of bathing. I suspect most teachers have encountered children who want to be in control of their own grooming and haven't bowed to social pressures to look a certain way. Lice are just as likely to make a home in clean neatly cared for hair. My mother-in-law once expressed her distaste for dreads saying they were dirty. Unconscious racism anyone?

OP, is it your hair or her hair? She does not reflect you so much as she reflects herself. You can teach her how to care for her hair but at a certain age it is up to her to implement what she has learned. Talk to her about her hair. Explain what will happen if it does not get combed, let her know that you are willing to comb it for her if she cooperates with you (if that is the case), that she could have it cut short if she chooses, or let her experience the rats nest for a bit. For her being a girl might mean having long hair that isn't combed. She'll grow up fine.

[MonicaJean]

My daughter was/is like that. Plus her hair is very prone to matting. I second what someone else said. Routine. Enforced routine. It's the only way. Also, get very good with braiding, and say it's a braid or haircut. She'll choose the braid if she really cares if her hair is long. :) I know it's rough but in time they do come to accept the "rules" of long hair.

[PrincessBob]

Two words: Tangle Teezer.

It will save you an amazing amount of grief.

[starlamelissa]

Lice are just as likely to make a home in clean neatly cared for hair.

I agree that lice will make their home in anyone's hair. But, if a child has matting/permanent rats nests then getting them out will be a serious undertaking. So tangled hair doesnt= more likely to get lice, but it does raise some concerns for getting them out!

And I dont like that cps is called over the smallest indiscretion any more than anyone else. But, teachers are mandatory reporters, and will report if a child appears homeless, which the OP states, she does!

[Silverbrumby]

Tangle Teaser is a mums best friend. I'd also ask her if she'd like to have her hair shorter for now. I'm cool with longer or shorter hair on my children (two boys). I let them choose what will work for them. The oldest has longer shoulder length hair which he's getting the handle of (it's difficult hair) and my youngest wants short military style hair.

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

Overall I think baby hair (before age of 10) is really fine and gets tangled so easily. Children thrash in their sleep and rub knots into their hair. You can brush it twice a day and they still wake up with a rats nest, it doesn't mean it wasn't brushed out the day before. I don't think the OP meant her DDs hair hadn't been brushed in days but maybe it wasn't brushed out to her liking this morning before getting on the bus. I admit that I only finger combed my DDs hair this morning, left it down AND forgot her ADHD medication. I'm sure she looks a bit wild at school today, but she is 7 and school starts at 7:30am- if CPS shows up at my door they can come join me for coffee and see how messy hair does not mean careless mom.

[neko_kawaii]

And I dont like that cps is called over the smallest indiscretion any more than anyone else. But, teachers are mandatory reporters, and will report if a child appears homeless, which the OP states, she does!

Assuming a parent is providing the child's wardrobe the description of homelessness is going to be hyperbole. Unless mandatory reporters have to report lack of color coordination. OMG, the socks don't match, child must be neglected!

[Madora]

If your daughter wants long hair, she needs to understand that she needs to take care of it properly. Just "growing it out" isn't going to result in lovely, healthy hair.

As far as snarls/mats/tangles are concerned, especially those at the nape, try a drop or two of mineral oil (baby oil) on damp hair. Use a COMB (not a brush of any sort) to gently section the hair in small strips, then begin to comb out, working from the bottom of the section up to the scalp.

If you encounter a snarl, hold the snarl horizontally (not vertically) and try and pick it apart with your fingers. Work both sides of the snarl and try and coax the hairs out gently. If you work in sections and work slowly, you'll prevail in the end...with a minimum of pulling and pain.

[Celtic Morla]

I had the same issue with my eldest and several times I had to cut her hair-one time into a very short tomboy cut because inlaws totally screwed it up! I cried that time! She now has an adult has learned to take care of it and now it is waist length and beautiful! She occasionally gets the urge to mucj it up but has so far restrained herself...Many people compliment her on her haior and her soon to be stepdaughter has told her she looks like Rapunzel!

I learned with her that it was far less stressful to trim it up an dlet her learn that it could all be taken away rather than deal with the embarassment of people seeing it mucked up. Tell he rit is either braids for school or CHOP!

[Mrsbaybeegurl]

As a child I remember my mother tearing through my hair with a brush or having to let cholesterol soak into it for hours before she could attempt to detangle. This would happen daily! AND my hair was only about shoulder length. I remember the screaming and yelling and dreaded (no pun intended) having my hair brushed, my mom once smashed through a window (on accident!)while trying to detangle my hair!!

Sometimes we would both have tears by the end of it all but no matter how frustrating or painful it was she made me get my hair brushed daily. She bought products that she believed would help and used tons of different combs and brushes, she never gave up and never succumbed to me saying I didn't want her to comb it. No matter how difficult the task may seem, you need to do it...daily!

I wish LHC would have been around when my mother was in charge of my hair care or that tangle teezers existed back then lol

Some people have already given great advice on how to pick apart each knot and keeping it braided or even in a simple pony tail can really minimize tangles. You can have a sit down with her and explain proper hair care, you can also get her her own tangle teezer or special detangling comb, some non-damaging hair ties and accessories, and some leave in conditioner to have her get excited about hair care. Get her excited, allow her to style and detangle her barbies or other dolls while you do her hair. She needs to know hair care is a daily hygienic necessary and that you are in charge and although she may assist you, you need time daily to give her proper styles and to brush and comb through snarles.

HTH...best of luck :)

[pixiepaws]

Ah I was like that according to my mother I used to walk around with a big tangle at the back of my head so it was chop! I had a bob for a few years. Anyway here are a few ideas ;

1.Tell your DD that she can have a hair cut or some hair toys or take her shopping for nice things for her hair? she might think cool I look good with this and want to keep nice hair.

2.I know that you don't use shampoo but what about the no more tangles shampoo?

3.Also would getting a silk pillow case help?

HTH
Pixiepaws

[SlingMomEsq]

Thanks all for these great replies.

Really great ideas!

And to explain my comment a bit more about how she dresses....

My kids have always worn uniforms. Now we are at a school that does not. T shirts, track pants, gym shorts...they are all allowed. That is what the other school kids wear, too, so in an effort to pick battles, I let them choose. (I am definitely an AP parent, too.) But I am also very efficient at laundry. So often the shirt they wore yesterday is clean and back in their drawer later in the day.

Thus, sometimes they wear their favorite t-shirt over and over and over again, even though they have full closets and drawers of clothes. Maybe they are overwhelmed with their new choices or something and are looking for something familiar.

So with her cycling through the same three t shirts or so all the time......plus the occasional uncombed hair...she can look like a hot mess at times.

And on the rare days I do not supervise her routine because I am absent, my husband gets her off to school. And then she looks even worse!

[starlamelissa]

thanks for adding that bit about the clothes slingmom! When you said "homeless" I assumed dirty/smelly clothes. I hang my son's shirts in two catagories, play clothes and school clothes, "school clothes" are his nicest newest shirts. he can choose the shirt/undies/socks/pants of his choice. Sometimes that means wearing his favorite longsleeved spiderman shirt a couple of times in a week. Or a batman cape with mater baseball cap and cowboy boots combo. What is that tide tagline, "style is an option...clean is not?"

So yeah, I have no issues with sending them to school in clean well loved clothing! That isnt a homeless look!

[Mayflower]

Ah, the joys of modern parenting: threats by strangers to have CPS take your kids away. I doubt OP's daughter is going to school in tattered clothes that haven't been washed in months, not to mention lack of bathing. I suspect most teachers have encountered children who want to be in control of their own grooming and haven't bowed to social pressures to look a certain way. Lice are just as likely to make a home in clean neatly cared for hair. My mother-in-law once expressed her distaste for dreads saying they were dirty. Unconscious racism anyone?

This is a joke, right?

[neko_kawaii]

This is a joke, right?

If so, it is on my MIL who when cross examined and told some facts about dreads admitted that her notion that dreads were dirty was from being brought up thinking black people were dirty. Not everyone is my MIL of course.

[elbow chic]

I think there is a big difference between maintained dreads and someone who just doesn't comb their hair.

[alexis917]

I had my hair in a braid or ponytail almost every day when I was that age.
I hated having to ask my mom to help me with my hair.
I enjoyed the independence,
and when I figured out how to braid it myself, I was excited!
Maybe you could teach her how to do fun stuff with her hair?
That may involve colorful headbands.
(Took me until sixth grade to grow out of those!)

[ravenreed]

By the title of the thread, it sounds like mom is more attached to the daughter's hair than the daughter is. If she isn't able to care for it herself and she is unwilling to let mom do it, I think it is time for a chop. It isn't a bad lesson to learn early that if you want something you have to take care of it. I think that too many of our young people are missing that lesson growing up.

[neko_kawaii]

I think there is a big difference between maintained dreads and someone who just doesn't comb their hair.

In appearance, yes.

I think somewhere in here is the difference between simply uncombed hair and unwashed and uncombed hair. Maintained dreads meanwhile are kept clean but not combed. OP said nothing about her daughter not washing her hair, simply not combing it.

The title of the post clearly states that OP views her daughters hair as her own. At some point she is going to have to let go and let her daughter make her own decisions about her hair. If the daughter continues to neglect it and it continues to mat she will realize either she wants long hair and wants to learn to maintain it, or that she doesn't want to maintain long hair and gets it cut, or maybe she wants dreads. At what age does the daughter get to make these decisions for herself?

[AnnaJamila]

Peggy E., you have the gift of writing. I love the way you string words together.

Agreed!

Really, darling, at the end of the day you're in as much control as you want to be, barring any serious psych issues on the part of Jr. Nip it in the bud quick, dear!

[battles]

By the title of the thread, it sounds like mom is more attached to the daughter's hair than the daughter is. If she isn't able to care for it herself and she is unwilling to let mom do it, I think it is time for a chop. It isn't a bad lesson to learn early that if you want something you have to take care of it. I think that too many of our young people are missing that lesson growing up.

Agree with this entirely.

[owlathena]

By the title of the thread, it sounds like mom is more attached to the daughter's hair than the daughter is. If she isn't able to care for it herself and she is unwilling to let mom do it, I think it is time for a chop. It isn't a bad lesson to learn early that if you want something you have to take care of it. I think that too many of our young people are missing that lesson growing up.

This. I wanted long hair when I was little but I wouldn't let anyone touch it and threw big fits if anyone tried to tame it. So it was gone. And yeah, I was sad. And I cried when it was cut. But my mom was able to get me ready and out the door in the mornings without a huge fight. If you can't manage it, or teach her to manage it, then I think it should go until she matures.

[Quixii]

I had the same kind of thing at that age. I didn't brush it regularly until I was about 12. :oops: I mean, I didn't let it get into total rat's nest, but I just hated brushing and would only let someone do it it they insisted and I wasn't doing anything else. Part of my reason for hating it, I remember protesting adamantly, "But I have curls when you don't brush it!" They insisted it was just the tangles. Of course, I joined LHC and learned the truth, but that's all besides the point.
What happened was one night after my shower I just decided that I was going to start brushing my hair every day. That night it took me an hour to really get it thoroughly detangled, but I brushed my hair about twice a day, on my own, every day after that until I joined here. It just got to the point where something clicked and I decided that's what I needed to do.
With your daughter at her age, I would just insist, "You can't go out with your hair like that." I feel like cutting off her hair is just inappropriate, but maybe that's just 'cause my mom let me grow my hair even though it was tangley.

[SlingMomEsq]

By the title of the thread, it sounds like mom is more attached to the daughter's hair than the daughter is. If she isn't able to care for it herself and she is unwilling to let mom do it, I think it is time for a chop. It isn't a bad lesson to learn early that if you want something you have to take care of it. I think that too many of our young people are missing that lesson growing up.

I am attached to the hair, but not the length. You see, I had three boys. And then this little girl. My husband is a VERY different ethnic background/body type than me. She has brown eyes, olive skin and her Daddy's build. I am a very very pale blue eyed gal.

The hair is mine...lol....truly. That is what I meant by "my hair".....just that it came from me. And it's the only thing about her that came from me. It is the only way you would ever connect her as my daughter.

My husband's family has curly jet black hair. I have the hair you see in the picture. Straight and blondish.

But it would be the same if it was short, too. I really don't care about the length. Not personally vested in length at all. I just want her (and it) to be healthy. I am just wondering if the knots and lack of combing compound and get worse, what will it look like? Is it so terrible? Is it worth it to force her to cut it against her will?

What does hair really look like au naturel? I just really don't know. That is why I was asking if it would dread eventually.

In my culture, "chopping it" can be viewed as punishment and usurpation of a women's essence and power, too. And even an act of violence and aggression. I feel for her. Mine was cut against my will when I was little.

Right now she does *not* want to cut it. So when someone is only six, is it ever appropriate to force her into it? Especially when she might not exactly understand the consequences of not caring for it as well as we do.

I think some of your thoughts on where that line is drawn are very insightful and it is an interesting discussion.

I posted here because I knew longhaireds would *get* the issue. :)

[SlingMomEsq]

I had the same kind of thing at that age. I didn't brush it regularly until I was about 12. :oops: I mean, I didn't let it get into total rat's nest, but I just hated brushing and would only let someone do it it they insisted and I wasn't doing anything else. Part of my reason for hating it, I remember protesting adamantly, "But I have curls when you don't brush it!" They insisted it was just the tangles. Of course, I joined LHC and learned the truth, but that's all besides the point.
What happened was one night after my shower I just decided that I was going to start brushing my hair every day. That night it took me an hour to really get it thoroughly detangled, but I brushed my hair about twice a day, on my own, every day after that until I joined here. It just got to the point where something clicked and I decided that's what I needed to do.
With your daughter at her age, I would just insist, "You can't go out with your hair like that." I feel like cutting off her hair is just inappropriate, but maybe that's just 'cause my mom let me grow my hair even though it was tangley.

I am so happy to hear this....thanks!

[longforthis]

I would maybe attempt and try to make a routine; kids seem to thrive on routine. Perhaps say "I'm going to brush your hair for 1/3/5 minutes tonight." Then next week, do it longer, and increase, etc. It's good to use these years to get some basics down, lol. She'll be more apt and able to take care of herself as she gets older.

If you EVER get it untangled, BRAID IT. Trust me. Heck, read Little House on the Prairie with her and hope and pray that Laura's braids fascinate her, LOL.

I had long CURLY hair as a kid, and my mom used methods and made us sit down and had her brush. It hurt. She yanked. It all ripped. Yeah. lol Try and make it a joyful experience. Perhaps make it "girl time" with her. She is your one daughter. Have her brush your hair, as a vice versa. Condition her hair, or get a de-tangling spray with her favorite essential oil scents or something. Like a nightly spa! Or just girl time. LOL I know that if my Mom was more gentle, understanding, and patient I would have yielded. But she didn't know how to take care of curly hair, and used the paddle brush on my dry hair with no detangling ANYTHING. xD

I wouldn't cut it. My Grandma's father took her and her three sisters to a barber shop and had their cut to a short bob, just fell below their ears. They didn't learn how to take care of long hair, and ever since kept really short, cut hair. Not saying this is what your daughter will do, but that being done to my Grandma told her that long hair was a nuisance and you might as well chop it off if it don't work.

She's 6. Your the parent. It's your choice. If she learns proper respect, she will yield. She's a kid, yes, but regardless she needs to respect your parental authority. But children are normally more willing to obey to a loving, patient, compassionate, patient parent. (Oh, if we all could be like that all the time. LOL)

Good luck! I have no kids of my own, but I'm young enough to remember those years of my life. It's a journey, for sure. Just don't stress and keep these years with a smile in memory. :]

[jacqueline101]

I was told that as a kid if I wanted long hair I had to keep it nice.

[petali]

When I was a kid, my sister's teacher told my mom that she was a very nice girl, but would probably need to bring a brush to school!

[Elanadi]

OP, I'm sure you aren't rough with your daughter's hair, but do you think it's possible she has a tender scalp and doesn't like it being brushed because it hurts?

I remember being a little girl, and my mother brushing my hair. Actually, I remember her putting it up because she did NOT want me to have short hair, so she put it up in ponytails all the time... which was fine, but she combed my hair like I had no feeling in my scalp, and I have the most incredibly sensitive scalp EVER, so every hair session was a fight, and I would scream and scream and cry. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. She would be so angry with me by the time my hair was up, and my scalp would throb and ache for hours. When I came across a pair of scissors, I cut one of my ponytails off, and she had to take me to get the rest of my hair cut off. That was the end of her yanking on my hair. And the end of my long hair until I was an adult. If she would have just combed it gently, or supervised me when I did it, it wouldn't have had to be so miserable!

[SlingMomEsq]

I would maybe attempt and try to make a routine; kids seem to thrive on routine. Perhaps say "I'm going to brush your hair for 1/3/5 minutes tonight." Then next week, do it longer, and increase, etc. It's good to use these years to get some basics down, lol. She'll be more apt and able to take care of herself as she gets older.

If you EVER get it untangled, BRAID IT. Trust me. Heck, read Little House on the Prairie with her and hope and pray that Laura's braids fascinate her, LOL.

I had long CURLY hair as a kid, and my mom used methods and made us sit down and had her brush. It hurt. She yanked. It all ripped. Yeah. lol Try and make it a joyful experience. Perhaps make it "girl time" with her. She is your one daughter. Have her brush your hair, as a vice versa. Condition her hair, or get a de-tangling spray with her favorite essential oil scents or something. Like a nightly spa! Or just girl time. LOL I know that if my Mom was more gentle, understanding, and patient I would have yielded. But she didn't know how to take care of curly hair, and used the paddle brush on my dry hair with no detangling ANYTHING. xD

I wouldn't cut it. My Grandma's father took her and her three sisters to a barber shop and had their cut to a short bob, just fell below their ears. They didn't learn how to take care of long hair, and ever since kept really short, cut hair. Not saying this is what your daughter will do, but that being done to my Grandma told her that long hair was a nuisance and you might as well chop it off if it don't work.

She's 6. Your the parent. It's your choice. If she learns proper respect, she will yield. She's a kid, yes, but regardless she needs to respect your parental authority. But children are normally more willing to obey to a loving, patient, compassionate, patient parent. (Oh, if we all could be like that all the time. LOL)

Good luck! I have no kids of my own, but I'm young enough to remember those years of my life. It's a journey, for sure. Just don't stress and keep these years with a smile in memory. :]

Awww......this is so sweet! Thanks!

[SlingMomEsq]

OP, I'm sure you aren't rough with your daughter's hair, but do you think it's possible she has a tender scalp and doesn't like it being brushed because it hurts?

I remember being a little girl, and my mother brushing my hair. Actually, I remember her putting it up because she did NOT want me to have short hair, so she put it up in ponytails all the time... which was fine, but she combed my hair like I had no feeling in my scalp, and I have the most incredibly sensitive scalp EVER, so every hair session was a fight, and I would scream and scream and cry. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. She would be so angry with me by the time my hair was up, and my scalp would throb and ache for hours. When I came across a pair of scissors, I cut one of my ponytails off, and she had to take me to get the rest of my hair cut off. That was the end of her yanking on my hair. And the end of my long hair until I was an adult. If she would have just combed it gently, or supervised me when I did it, it wouldn't have had to be so miserable!

Wow. Thanks for this perspective. I had not thought of this.

[Dang3rousB3auty]

Lice actually like clean hair more then dirty hair...so saying dirty hair will attract lice is just not true.

[ravenreed]

Ah, it makes more sense.

When I was very little, I didn't have anyone who looked after my hair. It got huge mats on the underside, and I ended up cutting them out of my hair myself. Some of them were the size of my fists. Now I know that it was trying to form dreads.

I am sorry that hair cutting has such negative connotations in your culture! I suggest giving your daughter a very clear either/or choice. "Either you let me brush your hair (if you don't do it yourself) OR we cut it back until you can care for it more easily." And stick to the decision that she makes, even if she is difficult about it. That is the hard part. If you do cut it back, reassure her that it isn't a punishment because she is a bad kid, and more importantly, that as soon as she can care for it properly, she can grow it right back. You don't have to chop it all off, even taking off a few inches can make a big difference in how much hair tangles.

I don't think it is inappropriate to cut her hair shorter if it isn't being cared for properly. If she was either taking care of it herself or letting you do it, then I think it would be wrong to cut it.

(I already typed this all out once, but I am not seeing it in the thread... apologies if this is an almost duplicate post!)





I am attached to the hair, but not the length. You see, I had three boys. And then this little girl. My husband is a VERY different ethnic background/body type than me. She has brown eyes, olive skin and her Daddy's build. I am a very very pale blue eyed gal.

The hair is mine...lol....truly. That is what I meant by "my hair".....just that it came from me. And it's the only thing about her that came from me. It is the only way you would ever connect her as my daughter.

My husband's family has curly jet black hair. I have the hair you see in the picture. Straight and blondish.

But it would be the same if it was short, too. I really don't care about the length. Not personally vested in length at all. I just want her (and it) to be healthy. I am just wondering if the knots and lack of combing compound and get worse, what will it look like? Is it so terrible? Is it worth it to force her to cut it against her will?

What does hair really look like au naturel? I just really don't know. That is why I was asking if it would dread eventually.

In my culture, "chopping it" can be viewed as punishment and usurpation of a women's essence and power, too. And even an act of violence and aggression. I feel for her. Mine was cut against my will when I was little.

Right now she does *not* want to cut it. So when someone is only six, is it ever appropriate to force her into it? Especially when she might not exactly understand the consequences of not caring for it as well as we do.

I think some of your thoughts on where that line is drawn are very insightful and it is an interesting discussion.

I posted here because I knew longhaireds would *get* the issue. :)

[Avital88]

like alot of mums already mentioned: if she wants long hair it needs brushing..
This worked on my then 3 yo 3c F iii daughter,she still doesnt like it but she understands why we need to do it.
Natural dreads form literally within a day with her hairtype :S

[ravenreed]

I wanted to add that part of being a parent is taking the long view when our little ones cannot. At 20 and 22, my sons have finally reached the age where looking back they go, "Ooooh so that was why you did x, y, and z. I thought you were just being mean back then." Now they can see where my being a pain the the butt about things was actually so that they would grow up into responsible people. At the time, I had to be willing to be the bad guy, and let my sons be angry at me. It was really, really hard, but I am so glad I stuck with it. I had to have faith that it would all work out in the end.

ETA: I know this should be obvious, but a lot of the parents I see around me have a hard time being a parent rather than being their child's friend.

[longforthis]

Awww......this is so sweet! Thanks!


You're welcome! :D Good luck with everything!

:flower: