How other people are seeing my decision to grow my hair

[Honey39]

Hi there,

I couldn't work out which thread to start, so I'm just starting a kind of general one, because there are a few things that I've noticed in the last couple of months.

I've always had shoulder length hair, that I used to straighten once or twice a week or wear up - it looked nice, but it was damaged, and when it was up it was really just a ball of frizz.

Now I've discovered LHC, I've changed my hair routine, and have discovered that my hair is curly, and it's a revelation! I've been CO-ing, no more blow drying, lots of oiling. For the first time in my adult life, I quite like my hair most days, and I'm enjoying it.

The weird thing is other people's reactions - it's a pretty noticeable change. So when I see people and they haven't seen me for a while, some people rave about it, and others are not very nice about it ("are you going to leave it like that?" "my hair looks like that if I don't sort it out" etc). The most negative reactions tends to be from women my age (late thirties/early forties), which kind of puzzles me. I've never thought much about what other people choose to do to their hair, it's kind of up to them.

And then male friends seem to have a totally different reaction - without being crude, their reaction to me growing my hair is enthusiastic approval. The guy I'm dating almost growled with happiness when I told him I was growing my hair, lol. I had never ever realised that when asked, men ADORE waist length/bum length hair. Seriously - it's been a very strong positive reaction!

Anyway, the point of my thread is that I THINK I'm enjoying finding out what my hair looks like when it's babied and pampered and not bullied, but I'm unnerved by the fact that people seem to feel they can comment. So I'm kind of awkward and embarrassed about it, if that makes sense - like I feel I'm too old to have this wild mop (that's how it feels to me). I want to grow it longer to give it some weight, but I don't know. I kind of worry that I look like I'm trying to look younger than I am, or that it doesn't look 'right'. Hmmmm. Thoughts???? Thanks!!!

[Isilme]

if your hair feels right to you, then it is right:) don't worry too much about what other people think about your looks.

[Honey39]

if your hair feels right to you, then it is right:) don't worry too much about what other people think about your looks.

I know, you're right - I'm just feeling really self-conscious about it at the moment, which is kind of weird! :)

[Ursula]

If you're bringing up that you're growing out your hair, don't. A lot of people won't comment on another person's appearance unless asked - but if you bring up the topic, you'll get their opinion. There are a thousand topics of conversation available, so you just avoid being the one to bring up that one.

Another way to deal with this is to wear your hair up. My hair is up almost all the time, and I generally don't get any comments about its length. When people do comment, it is only those people who recognize that my updo is one that holds a lot of hair, and they are almost always admiring it.

[Honey39]

If you're bringing up that you're growing out your hair, don't. A lot of people won't comment on another person's appearance unless asked - but if you bring up the topic, you'll get their opinion. There are a thousand topics of conversation available, so you just avoid being the one to bring up that one.


I think it's more that my hair looks different, so it's been the first thing that people have brought up (rather than the growing thing!). I haven't raised it myself, it's just that I've seen a lot of old friends this week, and it's been the first thing they've mentioned. I agree though, that growing my hair isn't a scintillating topic of conversation generally!:)

Thanks for the advice.

[ClareDee]

I think hair (especially when long) is just one of those things people feel free to comment on. Body shape and weight (especially weight increases) would be something people feel less free to comment on....

I think it's partly because a lot of people have a very impersonal/disconnected relationship with their own hair. They cut it monthly; they colour it a different shade several times a year; it's had almost every style going -- often a style selected by a hairdresser and not of their own choosing.
It's a toy. It's for enjoying and then tossing aside in exchange for a new one.

So, to them, telling you to change yours is no different to telling you to buy a cool new gadget for peeling vegetables, or something.

I personally think it's also partly down to wanting you to conform so that they feel safer. I could be completely wrong, but I can picture social events where some women would stiffen up at the entrance of a woman with spectacularly long hair.

I don't mean that long-haired women are always more attractive, but they are noticed. They attract attention.... and some women are uncomfortable with that situation. So they want to keep you in line, with hair similar to theirs....

Anyway, ignore them. People can be very thoughtless in their comments sometimes. Take no notice! Continue your quest! :)

[Ursula]

Another useful trick is not to talk about your ultimate hair goal. "Growing to waist length" is a dramatic change, so it gets a strong response. An understated comment, such as "I'm curious to try it a bit longer, without the layers" can sometimes go over easier.

[Carolyn]

A lot of comments can be answered and stopped with a smile and a "thank you". That was very good advice to never volunteer any hair plans or information. Your bf sounds enthusiastic about your hair growing so maybe just talk about it a bit with him. Friends and acquaintances don't need to know your plans. Since your new hair length and texture is something different for people who haven't seen you in a while, maybe practice some vague response comments. I'll stand in front of a mirror and practice saying things. I always think of good comebacks an hour later :p If you are going to be seeing the people again who have already commented in a not so nice way, maybe wear your hair up the next time you'll be seeing them. They will soon get tired of hair conversation and move on to something else. It's just new to them. Remember you are old enough to pick your hair styles ;) You don't have to ask anyone's permission to grow your hair.

[DaveDecker]

Congratulations on breaking free of the shackles of the mainstream salon industry. :) To it, "too old for long hair" really means "too much income not to spend good chunks of it in salons!" Well, no thanks to that perspective. :wigtongue

[Shanarana]

I think that woman around our age that give a neg. comment are for the most part jealous that may be a harsh word, but I think there is a small amount of a threat that woman feel that have short hair and have no plans to grow it out.

I say this because most men really like long hair and are attracted to woman with long hair, so the short haired woman don't take kindly to attention being drawn away from them.

JMO.

[Bene]

i can understand the excitement of coming to the decision to grow your hair long. and i can understand telling friends and loved ones, hoping that they'll share your enthusiasm and offer encouragement. i've totally told my friends, and i guess in seeing my excitement, they can only smile and wish me luck.


but i also understand that some ppl have their own pre-conceived notions of what long hair is. to some it means "frumpy", "crazy hippie chick", "unkempt"... i'm also convinced that some women have turned against the whole "long hair" thing because they've mistreated their hair for so long and are unable to get any length of their own, that they've they've developed a crappy attitude towards it, as a self defense mechanism. envy mixed with passive aggressive tendencies make for bad reactions.



so, the best thing, as far as i see is to grow it as long as you want. keep it up (for it's own health :)), not mention it, and if it the topic of your hair comes into conversation, just say "i'd like to see how long i can get it"... it's just vague enough to throw them off, and it doesn't open the door for their negative responses.




besides, you should be totally proud of the changes you've made to have healthy happy hair. no use in letting other ppl's hair issues get in the way of your goal, or make you feel bad about it. also, from what i can see (being new here myself) there are plenty of people here who have been where you are now. and they are willing to offer encouragement and support along the way. they cheer for new goals and sympathize when things aren't going so well.


anyway, good luck :)

[Honey39]

I think that woman around our age that give a neg. comment are for the most part jealous that may be a harsh word, but I think there is a small amount of a threat that woman feel that have short hair and have no plans to grow it out.

I say this because most men really like long hair and are attracted to woman with long hair, so the short haired woman don't take kindly to attention being drawn away from them.

JMO.

It's something like that, I think - I can't quite put my finger on it. It's made me a bit unsettled though, because I'm thinking 'do I look like mutton dressed as lamb?' lol. My friends assure me that I don't, but still...why on earth would people OFFER opinions about hair? It's just hair!!! I also think that because I used to straighten it, that's seen as more professional, which is weird.

Just observations really, and a vague sense of slight worry that I look silly!

[frizzinator]

Since you just discovered that your hair is curly, then all these people probably assumed your hair was straight. They might even think your curls are the result of a permanent! Maybe they think permanents can damage hair. Maybe they hope you will give up the temporary curls for the sake of your hair!


Maybe they are just making conversation, and focusing on your hair seems like a safe conversation compared to subjects such as politics, religion and weight. If they are your friends, try to give them the benefit of the doubt. What you hear them saying might not be exactly what they intended. Try to change the subject and maybe they will talk about something else.

[Honey39]

Since you just discovered that your hair is curly, then all these people probably assumed your hair was straight. They might even think your curls are the result of a permanent

Yes, i've had a few people ask that - okay, that kind of makes sense!!!

[RavennaNight]

I have found that a large amount of people are just afraid of change. When I first made my decision to grow, all my coworkers were horrified! They couldn't imagine me without my inverted bob. They kept up with asking me when I would cut, until I got past the "awkward" length and they finally hushed up. As your friends and acquaintances keep seeing you, eventually they will get the hint. The ones that don't, are plain jealous or feel insecure and are intimidated. Enjoy your hair! Its really shiny and healthy looking curly!

[Magicknthenight]

Yea a lot of people try to give me "advice". Just the other day my sister said "Its getting long..you should straighten it" But she does- sometimes twice a day -and its breaking horribly. Its probably just the excitement of doing something new. Before you know it you will be comfortable with it :D.
I would like to know who started this rumor of saying you cant have long hair past a certain age :mad:
Sometimes you just cant stop the comments because their unexpected. For example..I'll be out somewhere and someone will tell me something i should do with my hair. Its not like i could have stopped them. Hopefully they will stop and if they don't tell them you respect their decisions and they should respect yours.
Hope things work out for the best!:D

[Slug Yoga]

Your hair is such a gorgeous color and texture.

Yeah, it's funny that we have these cultural ideas of what "acceptable" hair is--which seems to have little to do with what is actually beautiful! Well, at least to me. That's subjective, but I mean, what looks better, dry, brittle, bleached hair that's damaged through ironing every day, or shiny natural hair like yours, with its own unique color and curls? Yet somehow people feel they have to "tame" their natural hair.

And I do think it's also true that women can often be more openly critical of one another than men are critical of us. Women seem to have different aesthetic standards for one another than men tend to have for women. It would be interesting to analyze that, like why certain styles are preferred among women but not men, etc.

I was recently reading about the Aesthetic Dress movement (artists and intellectuals in the later 19th century, interested in looser, flowing uncorseted styles, in more natural and muted colors, reminiscent of medieval clothing), and how red hair and green eyes were considered beautiful, despite the fact that that was not at all the mainstream Victorian beauty ideal. I guess I'm getting a little off topic, but I guess the idea I was going for is that the "mainstream" culture can have a certain set of aesthetic standards while people in another cultural pocket can find that unpleasant and value things very differently.

[Honey39]

Thanks all, that's really helpful! I appreciate you taking the time to reply - it's kind of helped my slight unease!!

And yes, thinking about it, the negative comments (about wearing it down and curly) have all come from female co-workers my age and older, who have the lovely neat little bobs which are smooth and very groomed looking. I do like that look, but it kills my hair to try and do that, because my hair is naturally a big ball of frizz. So maybe it is going against convention slightly.

I don't really want to wear it up, either - I find the feel of my hair when it's down very appealing (and warm!). I just find it really odd that anyone would comment negatively on my hair; I know that the days when I straightened it, my hair DOES look very swishy and nice, but it's so so so bad for my kind of hair.

Thank you for letting me think all this aloud, it's not a major deal, but I was feeling a wee bit...odd? I shall just go back to enjoying it again! (My hair is currently enjoying a deep coconut oiling, lol - I'm so enjoying the pampering side of it, it's very soothing!).

[amz1998]

I am going to do a thread hi-jack and tell you about my latest experience. This took place between my sister and me on MySpace. Very funny stuff!

My Sister Wrote:
I think you should get your hair cut to your shoulders, would look sooooooo much better :)actually would make you look tons of years younger, the long hair is dragging you down old woman LOL

My Reply:
Uhm, no, I don't recall asking for an opinion. And, no, I don't think it makes me look older. I don't want to look old like all the other bobble heads out there. Short hair makes one look old, not long hair. I am very happy with my hair just the way it is, thank you very much.

P.S. I am not mad, I just don't think someone should comment on someone else's appearance...especially if the commentee is happy with the way she looks. I would never say anything like that to anyone else.

Dear Sister's Reply:
wow, is someone a little b**chy LOL
Never meant it as an insult,geez...
If you like your hair like that its fine, I wasnt saying that, in my personal opinion you would look better with shoulder length hair, I have pics of you when your hair was that the length and I liked it better....so ....apparently as your sister I cant tell you anything anymore huh...I will store that in my memory for the future....so sorry if I offended you(mom told me you said that) but oh well....I never meant it that way, not sure why you took it that way unless someone else has already mentioned that.

Honestly, I dont give a rip...the pictures are cute, I loved looking at them and seeing you so happy, but da**, why does everyone in this family have to always have issues?

I did reply back to her on her myspace profile, but it was quite lengthy. However, I will tell you what she told everyone else:

Just so people know what my sister and I are talking about...I told her she should get her hair cut because "I" liked it better that way :)
Moral of this story is:
She doesnt , she loves her long hair so I will continue to call her Lady Godiva for the rest of her life LOL, I just dont want to see her prancing around naked on a horse hehehehehee
For the record though, I do love my big sister more than anything!!She is the bestest sister ever(she will love that English hahaha)

Ultimately, I feel like I won, na na na. No, just kidding. I just wanted to give my little sis a lesson and it has worked. She needs to learn to keep her bad comments to herself.

Sorry this was so long, but I wanted everyone to get the whole gist of the conversation.

[Chromis]

Honestly I think some people just like making cutting little comments. If it weren't your hair they'd just find something else to pester you about!

[Curlsgirl]

I think it will settle down a bit once more people get used to seeing you with your curly hair and longer. Many people were astonished as well when I started wearing mine curly but for the most part I got positive comments. Can't remember anyone being rude or anything. Well there was one weird guy at work that said, "I don't like your hair when it's frizzy like that" :mad: Some people just like straight hair period. I had another boss that did too, thought it looked more professional. I have learned not to give a rip pure and simple. Get over it. It's my hair. Not here to decorate your world and all that...:D

[noelgirl]

Isn't it strange that straightened hair is seen as more professional? With the time it takes to straighten my hair, if I made a habit of it I'd be late and/or sleep-deprived all the time. And it's back to wavy halfway through the day anyway. Isn't it more professional to focus on your work?

[Honey39]

Isn't it strange that straightened hair is seen as more professional? With the time it takes to straighten my hair, if I made a habit of it I'd be late and/or sleep-deprived all the time. And it's back to wavy halfway through the day anyway. Isn't it more professional to focus on your work?

Totally agree with you! I LOVE the fact that my hair care routine has shortened dramatically, with CO-wash, turbie, comb and then that's me done! Compare that with shampoo, condition, dry, blow-dry, straighten (spraying each section), glossing, serums etc. And then fiddling with it all the time to smooth it out - this is massively different!

But yes, straight hair is seen as more 'professional' I think - I work in a VERY conservative organisation, and the women that do have hair past their shoulders all have it straight and smooth. Sigh. It's all very odd, who said that this was the ideal, eh? Good to go against the grain I think!

[Honey39]

I think it will settle down a bit once more people get used to seeing you with your curly hair and longer. Many people were astonished as well when I started wearing mine curly but for the most part I got positive comments. Can't remember anyone being rude or anything. Well there was one weird guy at work that said, "I don't like your hair when it's frizzy like that" :mad: Some people just like straight hair period. I had another boss that did too, thought it looked more professional. I have learned not to give a rip pure and simple. Get over it. It's my hair. Not here to decorate your world and all that...:D

Did you do that shift as well? I definitely feel like I've changed my look a LOT - and I'm amazed that I have curly hair; how can I have reached almost 40 and never ever realised that my hair is pretty curl/wavy, rather than frizzy! I'm just glad that I came here and actually found out that if I wash it and leave it alone, my hair likes to curl. It's happy doing that! I've been literally fighting it all my life without realising it. So strange, I can't believe it!

But yes, you're right - I shall get over people's remarks, and also not comment on it myself. And just take the nice comments with a smile!!

[chotee]

I think hair (especially when long) is just one of those things people feel free to comment on. Body shape and weight (especially weight increases) would be something people feel less free to comment on....

I think it's partly because a lot of people have a very impersonal/disconnected relationship with their own hair. They cut it monthly; they colour it a different shade several times a year; it's had almost every style going -- often a style selected by a hairdresser and not of their own choosing.
It's a toy. It's for enjoying and then tossing aside in exchange for a new one.

So, to them, telling you to change yours is no different to telling you to buy a cool new gadget for peeling vegetables, or something.

I personally think it's also partly down to wanting you to conform so that they feel safer. I could be completely wrong, but I can picture social events where some women would stiffen up at the entrance of a woman with spectacularly long hair.

I don't mean that long-haired women are always more attractive, but they are noticed. They attract attention.... and some women are uncomfortable with that situation. So they want to keep you in line, with hair similar to theirs....

Anyway, ignore them. People can be very thoughtless in their comments sometimes. Take no notice! Continue your quest! :)

Very well said! I think many people use their hair to their changing moods :smile:

recently i received a comment from a friend much younger than me in a party i hosted. She said that that its time i cut my hair. she even suggested cutting to her style which is dyed much lighter and layered. I was taken aback from such a comment because i felt that it is very impolite to do it but later on pondered over it and was glad that i didn't reply back in a hurtful way. Instead said that my husband loves long hair(he does). Because of the comment, i kept critisizing my hair that yeah, its dry, frizzled thats why people comment on it.

A comment or 2 like these does good for the hair as i have started paying more attention and started oiling it a bit more etc. and yes its almost reached the waist and i think i will have it more in updo's rather than leave it down.

But yeah, i think there are various reasons for comments from women. Most of them do it becoz they think its out of fashion to keep long hair(hair which doesn't visit salons). some of them don't like the attention longhaired women get.

chotee

[DecafJane]

When people (usually my family) say something negative about long hair, and the fact that I am growing mine, I say, "Well, I like it!" and they usually respond with, "Fair enough, I guess that is what matters."
I usually don't like the hair on the people who are making the comments, anyway, so I figure that we will have different taste. ;)

[bte]

...I usually don't like the hair on the people who are making the comments, anyway, so I figure that we will have different taste. ;)
I have, when greatly provoked, used the phrase "It's all a question of taste or, in your case, lack of it."

Hair is very powerful in human society, and it doesn't matter how sophisticated people feel they are, hair symbolism speaks to them. Because you are making a change after years of having the same hair style, people are going to notice. Because it is a change which isn't regarded as 'the norm', people are going to comment. Although gender generalisations aren't always accurate, I think men are more likely to base any comment on what a new style looks like, whereas women are more likely to base their comments on what the new style means to them. It isn't anybody's business, of course, other than yours, although I am sure it's nice to have positiive comments.

[noelgirl]

recently i received a comment from a friend much younger than me in a party i hosted. She said that that its time i cut my hair. she even suggested cutting to her style which is dyed much lighter and layered. I was taken aback from such a comment because i felt that it is very impolite to do it but later on pondered over it and was glad that i didn't reply back in a hurtful way. Instead said that my husband loves long hair(he does). Because of the comment, i kept critisizing my hair that yeah, its dry, frizzled thats why people comment on it.

Don't you just love that? Of course if she's going to suggest a style it's going to be the one that she has. When a comment takes that turn, that's when it immediately has no weight with me. It's a rather narcissistic view, don't you think? I should hope that if she has that style it means that she personally is happy with it. But we all have different tastes, and we all have different hair. If we were all meant to look the same, we would.

[Curlsgirl]

Did you do that shift as well? I definitely feel like I've changed my look a LOT - and I'm amazed that I have curly hair; how can I have reached almost 40 and never ever realised that my hair is pretty curl/wavy, rather than frizzy! I'm just glad that I came here and actually found out that if I wash it and leave it alone, my hair likes to curl. It's happy doing that! I've been literally fighting it all my life without realising it. So strange, I can't believe it!

But yes, you're right - I shall get over people's remarks, and also not comment on it myself. And just take the nice comments with a smile!!Yes I did do that "shift" :) I had done it on and off for years though and since I didn't know about LHC was never really able to grow it out for ironing/blowing/brushing etc. :shudder: I had a lot of the "Did you get a perm"? comments too even from people that saw me curly from time to time. Your hair is lovely by the way! A lot of people really may be jealous.

[FrannyG]

I'm not surprised that most of the negative comments have been from women, unfortunately. There are a lot of women tend to feel free to give their "helpful" opinion, which translated means that they want you to look like them and everyone else your age. I don't know why some women find this so important, but they do.

Like others, I suggest avoiding the topic of hair in discussion. If someone makes a slightly unpleasant comment about the way my hair looks, I usually give them a surprised look, and say, "I can't imagine why you think it's okay to say that." For me, that tends to work.

I'm happy that you're enjoying your new long hair adventures! :flowers:

[sipnsun]

My mom is 57 and growing her hair out for the first time since she was in her 20's. She has received more male attention since her hair has been long, and it drives her (women) friends crazy. I think it comes down to plain jealousy, but she considers cutting her hair all of the time because her "friends" think that it's unnatural for a woman their age to have long hair. It burns me up because her hair looks better than ever! I say keep the hair and get new friends!

[sexyjacksparrow]

From your avatar - your hair looks gorgeous! I'm sorry you aren't getting a positive reaction from other womens. I've always had fairly positive reactions to my curls from both genders.

Kerry xx

[Elleyena]

First of all, I love your hair. It's beautiful, and if you like it, that's all that really matters.

I have some people commenting on my hair, but if it's negative I ignore it. My parents keep joking that I should cut my hair, which is a bit annoying, but I let them have their fun because it doesn't bother me too much. Although, my dad asked me yesterday if I was just growing it to a reasonably long length or if I was going to be weird and grow it super long like the girl on American Idol...(I haven't watched the last couple of seasons so I have no idea what he was talking about :rolleyes:). All I did was smile and shrug my shoulders and then he dropped the subject. What defines reasonably long anyways? lol

Best wishes on your growth journey!

[thankyousir74]

I read once on a thread similar to this from a poster that said something really accurate. that it seems that the only people to really put you down on a new thing that you're doing tends to be other women. Which I find amazingly true.

[Curlsgirl]

I read once on a thread similar to this from a poster that said something really accurate. that it seems that the only people to really put you down on a new thing that you're doing tends to be other women. Which I find amazingly true.

I must add that there are exceptions to this. The only negative comment I had was from a man after all.

[ruby_tuesday]

Do it for yourself and ignore the negative comments. No matter what you do there will ALWAYS be someone there to criticize you. Stand up for yourself if they push - and do your thing - that's what I do. :)

[Honey39]

Thank you all for your input, it helped! You're all right, of course, and I should just be polite and not worry about what anyone else thinks. It's just - hair, who would have thought people would have opinions about it being curly rather than straight, and a wee bit longer, huh?! lol

[MotherConfessor]

I'm not surprised that most of the negative comments have been from women, unfortunately. There are a lot of women tend to feel free to give their "helpful" opinion, which translated means that they want you to look like them and everyone else your age. I don't know why some women find this so important, but they do.

Like others, I suggest avoiding the topic of hair in discussion. If someone makes a slightly unpleasant comment about the way my hair looks, I usually give them a surprised look, and say, "I can't imagine why you think it's okay to say that." For me, that tends to work.

I'm happy that you're enjoying your new long hair adventures! :flowers:
I like that, personally I would prefer the emphasis on the word "you"

[Solange]

Discovering long hair sites can make a world of difference as far as enthusiasm in taking care of it, which in turn improves its health.

Positive reactions about my hair by far outnumber the negative ones, but like you, it's the 30+ women that are the most likely to discourage long hair. Hmmmm....

[micah_mae_]

Sweety don't even worry about other people! Your hair is gorgeous and it does not matter what anyone else thinks about it. :)